Game of Thrones is known as a show of schemes and plots.  The conniving minds of Westeros (and, unfortunately, Essos) usually come together to outwit, betray, and destroy their opposition.  For the past 5 1/2 seasons, we’ve seen smooth moves from the likes of Tyrion, Littlefinger, Tywin, Varys, Dany, Olenna, Margaery, and even Cersei for a hot minute.  It is also known as a show of death, famously nixing main character after main character, from Ned Stark all the way to Jon Snow the first time.  And somehow, last Sunday we were treated to no schemes, no plots, and perhaps most shockingly, no deaths.  Not even Bolton Knight #2 or even a Stark (Besides Ned, Catelyn, and Robb’s deaths all appearing in Bran’s memory explosion.  Give the Starks credit, they even die in episodes where no one dies.).  This is the first time no one has died in an episode since Season 3, Episode 7 (“The Bear and the Maiden Fair”).  However, that was the episode where Theon got castrated, so I guess you can count Theon’s penis as a casualty.

So how did the notoriously bloody Game of Thrones survive with this sudden lack of death?  Some good ol’ fashioned shit happening.  Traveling for 5 episodes?  Guess it’s time to steal your punk-ass dad’s ultra rare sword.  Training to be an assassin for like 2 years?  Fuck that, time to proudly proclaim your existence and slap some fucking rum out of some dumb broad’s hand and say “you’re welcome.”  Haven’t seen some of your favorite characters in a few seasons?  Guess what, we got The Hound, Gendry, and Bronn uh, Benjen Stark, Walder Frey, and Edmure Tully.  Okay, so some of those returns were underwhelming, but man, business is beginning to pick up.

So, if Bran wasn’t satisfied fucking everything up again last week, he starts out this week by immediately fucking up again.  Unfortunately, he gets saved by a particularly not alive Benjen Stark.  I like how they hid his face for his introduction, then revealed his face like 98% of the audience expected to know who it was.  On a good day, the average viewer will recognize Tommen, and that’s with the crown on his head.  As much as I don’t like Bran, at least he’s the first line of defense against the White Walkers, and that’s good since that means I probably won’t have to see Bran much longer.

Heading south, it turns out being a shitty father is just simply a Game of Thrones theme at this point.  Like somehow Jaime banged his sister and pretends to be his kids’ uncle and he’s like a top 5 dad on the show.  The more impressive thing is that Randyll Tarly basically said he would kill his son, called him fat, and treated what is essentially his step-daughter as less than human…and he’s still not even like bottom 3.  Hey Randyll, burned any children lately?  No?  Had sex with any of them?  Then you’re all right in my book.  Sam then puts his big boy pants on and steals his father’s sword.  His father’s fucking Valyrian steel sword.  There’s like 5 of those left!  They also conveniently kill White Walkers, which makes me believe Sam is not long for the Citadel.  Sorry you couldn’t be a wizard bro.

Meanwhile, in King’s Landing:

High Sparrow:  And now, Queen Margaery will begin her-

Jaime:  Hey fuckboy, how ’bout you give us the queen back?

High Sparrow: I beg your pardon?

Olenna Tyrell:  This plotline has grown stale.  Literally no one likes you.  You have a worse approval rating than Dorne.

High Sparrow:  How dare you!

Olenna Tyrell:  *shrugs*

Jaime: Listen, just give us Margaery, she can go back to having awkward sex scenes with Tommen and you guys can go brood in the background or something.

High Sparrow:  Sure…I could do that…or…

*Tommen appears at High Sparrow’s side*

Audience:  *groans collectively*

High Sparrow:  What was that?

Jaime:  That was the sound of literally everyone watching upset that this is still a thing.

High Sparrow:  What’s wrong with the Sparrows?

Jaime:  Do you think people look forward to Sundays because of church?

Tommen:  Uncle Jaime, I am uniting the crown with the church in order to-

Jaime:  For fuck’s sake, can you just die already?  Let that boat kid be king for all I care.

Tommen:  Uncle!

Jaime:  You don’t know the half of it.  We all know it’s coming, might as well get it over with.  I’m about to go fight the Tully’s, I need some fucking sympathy before everyone hates me again.

Mace Tyrell:  I’m a peacock.

Now we come to Arya Stark, who, contrary to past reports, does indeed exist.  Sometimes you just need to almost kill a really nice lady before you figure out who you really are.  That lady was so nice, she made CERSEI look sympathetic.  Luckily for her, Arya sucks at poisoning more than Mace Tyrell does at appearing intelligent.  But she doesn’t have to worry about that anymore since she’s got Needle back.  I just hope that with the House of Black and White coming after her, that she can eviscerate the most arrogant body washer in the history of fiction and finally get her ass to Westeros.  It does seem like everyone is finally getting to Westeros. Except Tyrion.  And Gendry.

1. Randyll Tarly is trying so hard to be Tywin Lannister I half expected Sam to shoot him with a crossbow.
2. Gilly:  “He’s a greater warrior than either of you will ever be.”
   Dickon Tarly:  “…the fuck did I do?”
3. I wanna meet the Dothraki that listened to Dany’s speech and was just like “Nah, I’m good.”
4. Honestly, what is stopping Cersei from just going on a Grand Theft Auto spree and then just calling for a Trial by Combat each time?  Has she not thought of this?  Don’t answer that.
5. Could’ve used Lady Crane’s acting in Dorne last year.
6. I have a book-assisted theory on who the new Lord Commander of the Kingsguard will be, but a huge part of me just wants to see Bronn walk out with a white cloak just casually eating an apple 100% not giving a shit.
7. Part of me will always be expecting Walder Frey to put Harry Potter in detention.
8. In all seriousness, Needle was by far the best return this week.
9. It occurred to me when I was watching Jaqen peel back a man’s face that it probably wasn’t a good idea to be rooting for that guy.
10. Dany needs a thousand ships?  Let’s hope Yara is better at rowing than Gendry.

That’s our week.  Here’s hoping Arya escapes to Westeros next week, and just starts killing everyone who deserves it:  High Sparrow, Walder Frey, Ramsay Bolton, and most deservedly, Bran.