Way Too Late: Stranger Things

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I finished Stranger Things this week a month ago (yeah…I suck), which was a bit outside of social consciousness.  Most most people binged it in July, and at worst early August.  Hell, if you watched it weekly you were done by September.  The point is, I finished it and had a few thoughts and figured I’d jot them down for old times’ sake.  I’ve been getting a lot of feedback since my last post.  People have been saying things like “hey, haven’t seen a blog in a while, I miss it” and “what did you think about this TV show?” and “eat a dick, faggot.”  To be fair, that last one is mostly kids I’m playing video games with, but still.  Feedback is feedback, and I’m here to deliver the goods!  So here we go.  First off, let’s get to the *fire emoji* *fire emoji* *fire emoji* takes:

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Proof:  Dustin clearly is not racing yet.  No one has said go, Dustin is still blissfully ignorant to what is happening to him.  Will Byers quite frankly deserved what he got.

1) Will Byers deserved what he got.

Will Byers is a piece of shit.  First off, rookie move tossing the dice on the ground…but that’s fine, we’ll let that slide.  Then you snitch on the black kid.  Not cool, but okay, you’re a child, you don’t know about the code of the streets yet.  Then you proceed to cheat to beat a disabled kid in a bike race and then claim his best comic as your reward.  Have fun in the Upside Down you bowl cut bastard.

2) Barb had a bad time.

Speaking of the Upside Down…let’s talk about Barb.  Let’s do a quick recap on how Steve, Nancy, and Barb are all feeling across the beginning of the season:

Steve: Yeah, my new girlfriend is super hot, wish she’d bang me.  All right!  She banged me!  Ugh, but she’s such a bitch sometimes.  Fucking slut.

Nancy:  I hope Steve likes me…he does!  But oh man, where’s Barb?  Can the creepy kid help me find Barb? Ugh, Steve is such a dick.

Barb:  Hey Nancy, are you and Steve- OH GOD!  OH NO NOT THAT!  DON’T PUT THAT DOWN MY- *muffled screaming*

So the next time your boyfriend or girlfriend is pissing you off, remember:  You could be being choked to death by the tentacle of an inter-dimensional mutant.

3) Anyone who thought Nancy should be with Jonathan is an idiot.

Speaking of Steve and Nancy, I’m glad that they end up together.  Sure they were playing up the Nancy and Jonathan dynamic, but let’s be real.  All Nancy knows about Jonathan is he’s an awkward outcast that stalked her and took provocative pictures of her, all while looking like a young Ike Barinholtz.  Steve’s the scumbag with the heart of gold you read about.  Game over Jonathan.

4) Dustin is the shit!

I don’t really have any jokes to tell here…just that if I have a son, the chances of him being called Dustin just went up 220%.

You want a red head for your Upside Down sacrifice?  This is the one you should’ve picked!

5) Random Red Headed girl is a total jackass

I’ll forgive you for forgetting who this is…especially since no one has seen this show in like 3 months.  But this girl had two scenes.  The first was when she caught Jonathan developing creepy photos of Nancy, and then tattled to douchebag Steve.  The second is when she is when she is spray painting “Nancy is a slut” in the alley and then being a completely unwarranted hole to Nancy and Jonathan.  So you send Barb to an eternal hell hole for being an uncool third wheel, but little miss tattle tale gets nothing but front row tickets to Steve’s beatdown and no consequences whatsoever?  Horseshit.  However, turns out she’s the only one…

6) If you snitch in this show, you get worse than stitches.

Let’s run down the list of snitches (besides that red headed piece of dog shit):

Will Byers – snitched about dying in D&D

Consequence:  Spent basically the entire season in the Upside Down…and still suffers from hallucinations.

Charlie the Diner Owner – snitched about finding Eleven

Consequence:  Fed a bullet to the back of his skull.

Troy the bully – snitched about Eleven breaking his arm

Consequence: Unknowingly saves the entire group he despises by putting Hopper onto their trail.

Okay, so maybe that last one isn’t that bad, but he already broke his arm!  That’s just a preemptive stitch to an inevitable snitch.

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I bet if Nancy went missing, y’all would bring in the National Guard…


Seriously doesn’t anyone give a shit about Barb?  Her mom’s just like “oh she’s probably at the library studying, classic Barb!”  No dude, your child is straight up gone.  But that little turd Will Byers has got an entire platoon searching the woods for him.  World hates gingers, just saying.

8)  The Government just lets them go!

Agent:  That’s it Hopper, your toast!  Tell me what you know!

Hopper:  I know everything!

Agent:  Okay, now we’re gonna kill you!

Hopper:  Wait!  What if we go into the Upside Down for you!

Agent:  Aight, I’m listening.

Hopper:  And if we come out, we just forget this ever happened.

Agent:  Wait, so you think that the government, the same one that already killed an innocent man for meeting a child (a child that you currently possess), is just gonna let you live because you killed some monster?

Hopper:  Yes.

Agent:  Okay, cool, just making sure we’re on the same page, sounds good.  What sized inter-demnsional suit do you wear?

…and then I auditioned for The Mountain in Game of Thrones, but I didn’t get the part, so I decided to open this diner.



9) Think of this show from other characters’ perspectives

Steve:  The time I banged Nancy and then she started banging some creeper after I found out he was a legit creeper.  Then I called her a slut, killed a inter-dimentional mutant, and now we’re going steady.

Mike and Nancy’s Dad:  The time I missed a bunch of programs because my TV is a piece of shit.

Charlie the Diner Owner:  The time I caught a mute kid trying to steal my cheeseburger and then I took care of her until

Troy the Bully:  The time I couldn’t stop from pissing myself, so I threatened to kill a kid unless another kid killed himself…then that kid flew, and a little girl broke my arm.

Barb:  The time Nancy didn’t- OH MY FUCKING GOD WHY WHY ME WHY NO PLEASE DON’T *muffled screams of torture*


10) The Ending

All things considered, I really like the show.  Especially the ending.  Rather than just go happily ever after, it’s clear that the Byers household (especially Will) are still in a world of hurt.  The Upside Down isn’t a done deal.  Maybe that’ll get explored more next year, along with exploring what happened to Eleven, what the real consequences were for Hopper, and maybe, juuuust maybe, if she’s really lucky, someone might actually give a shit about Barb.

Let’s Talk About Suicide Squad

I went to Suicide Squad on opening night.  A wide range of humans filled the AMC theater: nervous DC fans in silent prayer to the gods of their universe that this movie would be good, Harley Quinn cosplayers squeaking in anticipatory delight, and irresponsible parents with their tweaked out entitled offspring.  And after two hours of action, comedy, drama, and feelings, we all had come to the same conclusion:  we had certainly seen Suicide Squad.

Was the movie fantastic?  No, not really.  Is it worth seeing?  Sure, go nuts.  In fact, if you haven’t seen it, close this out now so you can experience it for yourself first.  Seriously I don’t care, I already have your page view for my ego; thanks for making up the 2% contribution to my traffic…unless you are that random person from the Philippines that fucking loves my Game of Thrones recaps…you should probably see somebody about that.  But this movie left me with a lot of thoughts.  It’s baffling in some sections and brilliant in others…and some of these I really want to address.  That, and I’m literally dying over here since Game of Thrones ended.  Seriously, somebody give me a Harry Potter TV show or something, it’s like the potato famine of bland content over here.  DON’T MAKE ME TALK ABOUT ANIMALS ANYMORE.  Anyway, this isn’t a review, just random observations and questions, with limited critiques.

*Spoilers for Suicide Squad follow*

1) The rewrites this movie endured are highly visible

I can just see DC executives watching Guardians of the Galaxy and just being like “SHIT, we need to do that!  Somebody get our Suicide Squad guy on the phone, we need this flick lousy with classic rock!  Just flooded with Foreigner and CCR!”  I’m just glad this movie didn’t come out 5 years ago or the entire thing would be dubstep instead of just like the most prominent song.  But it’s not just the soundtrack.  Tone turns on a dime.  Plot points, hell, entire characters (what up Katana) are just introduced and just kinda dropped there, like a kid drawing stick figures into a painting.  It just doesn’t seem whole.  But I’m not saying the movie is bad, plenty of good like…

2) Margot Robbie is good, y’all

For all the people who were expecting Margot Robbie to flop, well, she might not have hit it out of the park but she definitely got it over the wall.  You believe her as Harley, and it’s not like they try to hide her.  She’s pretty prominent.  And not just in the dialogue.  The movie is basically 30 minutes of Margot Robbie ass shots and 60 minutes of you wondering when the next Margot Robbie ass shot is gonna be.  She may not nail the voice dead on, but she probably couldn’t nail it anyway, so best not to go there.  Her voice was fine, completely acceptable, especially considering we lauded the last Batman franchise that basically let Christian Bale sound like a blender being muffled by an angry walrus with indigestion.


This looks like someone I’d want to give complete control of my body to.

Rick Flag:  Okay, babe, me and you are gonna be fine.  Just whatever you do, don’t say-

June Moone:  Enchantress…


There’s literally no reason for Dr. Moone to say this other than the screenwriter looked at his page count and realized he had to start the plot at some point.  The first time she uses it, she’s has to be coaxed and comforted into doing it.  It’s clearly something she doesn’t enjoy doing at all.  But then she’s just sleeping, and oops, guess I said the one word that might end the entire world.  My bad!

4) And you thought Slipknot the band was irrelevant

Who is Slipknot you may be asking yourself?  He’s that Native American dude that gets his throat detonated when trying to escape.  Basically, he’s there to make the neck bombs a legitimate threat.  And you don’t wanna waste any high quality heroes on that, but c’mon man!  At least tease him by introducing him earlier instead of essentially just…

Deadshot:  Hey, who’s that guy?

Rick Flag:  It really doesn’t matter, he’ll be dead in 10 minutes anyway.

Deadshot:  Eff you man, I’m not your puppet.

Rick Flag:  We get it Will Smith, you’re supposed to be a bad guy.

Also, you’re getting a crew together that’s supposed to fight Superman and his like.  So don’t gather a crew that’s mostly underpowered humans.  Here’s a list of their attributes and contributions (we’ll start with the good):

Deadshot:  Best hitman in the world.  Definite asset.

El Diablo:  Can blow up anything when he feels like it.  Cool, so he’s like Human Torch meets the Hulk.  That’s a check mark.

Captain Boomerang:  Has boomerang.  Nope.

Yeah guys! He’s over there, you guys get him while I do probably nothing.

Harley Quinn:  Certifiably insane clown doctor that has one pistol and a hammer.  Not packing a lot of offense there, hard pass.  Side note:  Her boyfriend may disrupt plans cause he probably doesn’t like her being on a team designed to get her killed.  BUT WHO KNOWS WHAT THE JOKER THINKS HAHAHA (more on that later).

Slipknot:  Can totally climb anything with rope.  What a coincidence, Superman can climb anything too.  But, without rope and actually he can just fucking fly.

Katana:  She seems pretty good with that sword…could be viable as long as she was facing someone that couldn’t fly.  Or had armor.  Or bullets.

Killer Croc:  Crocodile man that is basically useless out of water, and even in the water he’s basically just a smart crocodile that’s occasionally sassy.  This doesn’t even make sense, which leads me to…

This is some real Hannibal Lecter shit at the beginning…too bad his biggest contribution to the team later is “wears robe”.

5) Killer Croc goes from ruthless monster to useless gangster

They largely ignored Killer Croc only to give him a gimmick halfway through the movie that he’s an African-American stereotype.  Like one of his main character defining moments (that admittedly I did chuckle at) was when given leverage to request something, he asks for BET.  That’s it.  He isn’t really given any key moments either, besides going underwater to bomb the Tree Branch Scorpion From Mortal Kombat Arm God by giving the bomb to some other dude so that dude can blow himself up.  That dude isn’t even in the Suicide Squad, and he does infinity percent more suicides than the entire Suicide Squad.

6) Boomerang leaves…but comes back (CAUSE GET IT?)

Remember when Rick Flag said they could leave, and Boomerang bolted out the door.  And then like the next scene he just randomly shows back up during the walk-towards-the-screen-#squadgoals montage?  He leaves and comes back…like a boomerang.  But why?  Frankly, even that doesn’t matter, just give him character, give him purpose.  Like, for god’s sake just give him a throwaway line.  Anything.  Ready, here you go:

Deadshot:  You came back?

Boomerang:  That’s what I do, mate.

Done!  At least you acknowledged it rather than awkwardly inserting him back in the fray.  Not to mention, he immediately whips out a boomerang reconnaissance device that mainly just alerts the bad guys to their presence.  Way to go, team.  But at least his contributions are working towards something, unlike probably the most glaring issue I have with the entire movie…



Hey Jared Leto:  stop.  Just stop.  You got your Oscar and thought I’m gonna outdo Heath Ledger’s Joker.  “I’m gonna mail my semen to my cast members and play Russian Roulette with a staple gun on my nut sack.”  This wasn’t what Lee Strasberg had in mind when he developed method acting.  You’re not Daniel Day-Lewis.  You’re the lead singer of a shitty rock band that I enjoy watching get beat up in Fight Club.  Your Joker made no sense.  The worst thing is, your response to that would probably be “Exactly!” but no, that’s wrong.  You didn’t add to the movie at all, and your scenes were a dumpster fire.  Go light children’s toys on fire while drinking straight Everclear like we’re supposed to assume you do.

8)  In conclusion, it’s still fun

I come across overly harsh, and there are certainly flaws in the movie.  But it was enjoyable.  Amanda Waller was a fantastic character, Will Smith and Margot Robbie did a great job, and it got me out of there in two hours unlike Batman v Superman.  And if it had only had one writer and one focus, it probably could’ve been great.  Which gives me hope for Wonder Woman.  Please, please for the sake of Gal Gadot, please let that movie be good.

A Business of Ferrets: Stupid Names for Groups of Stupid Animals

Animals are funny.  They’re cute and hilarious all at the same time.  You know, unless you’re getting murdered by one.  But for the most part, it seems the internet has been created for the sake of everyone sharing different pictures and videos of dumb animals around the world.  But, to some people, animals are their career.  And somewhere, someone has the job of coming up with names and words associated with the animals. Today, we will focus on the naming of the different groups animals have.  I went to this website compiled by Dean Tersigni who evidently scoured the internet to find all the group names for a shitload of animals (seriously, there were a bunch I didn’t even have a clue what they were).  A lot are simple, like herd, pack, or flock.  But some were clearly thought up by someone with a sense of humor.  And I’ve scoured his list and found the weirdest ones and I’m giving you the impression that each one gives me.  Why did I do this?  Because it’s Tuesday and I didn’t blog last week and after Game of Thrones ended I’m out of ideas, okay?  JESUS GIVE ME A BREAK.

Quick note before we begin, it seems Mr. Tersigni listed the most popular names first for the animals that had multiple names, so these are the ones I’m concentrating on.

Alligators – Congregation

I like to just picture a whole boatload of alligators just singing hymns and trying to clap their stupid little arms together.

Apes – Shrewdness

Nice try apes.  I appreciate your marketing team trying to give you more depth, but when you sling shit at people, you lose your “shrewd” as part of your brand.

Barracudas – Battery

I thought eels were supposed to be the electric ones, but they got stuck with swarm?  Barracudas could never be used as a battery, and that can be accomplished by a fucking potato.

Buzzards – Wake

Have we waited a respectful amount of time?  Can we eat him now?

The person that came up with this one was one Edgar Allen Poe mother fucker.  They knew exactly what they were doing.

Cats (wild) – Destruction

Stray cats can be a bit unruly, but destruction?  Man, if cats are a destruction, what the shit do you call bigger cats?

Cheetahs – Coalition

All right, I’ll give you this one.  Just picture a bunch of Cheetahs just all sitting around a large round table.  Bowls of Cheetos (natch) laid out for all of them, hammering out their latest treaty with the Lions.

Cobras – Quiver

Did anyone just picture Legolas just slinging snakes at people?  Cobras are scary enough on their own, we certainly don’t need to send them airborne.

Crabs – Cast


A cast of crabs sounds more like the call sheet for 12 Angry Men (wait, why are you leaving, come back…).

Crows – Murder

An all-time classic.  Just so fitting and haunting.  One of the most intimidating names in the game.  Well, until you get to…

Elk – Gang



Ferrets – Business

“Hey Stuart, do you have the quarterly report done?”

“No sorry, I was working on it, but then I saw an empty paper towel roll and rolled around for 30 minutes.”

“Stuart, this is unacceptable, we’re trying to run a business!”

“What’s that?  I can’t hear you, I just jumped in the garbage and ate a whole banana peel.”

“Stuart, you’re fired.”

Frogs – Army

Real frogs would probably be more effective.

Can’t have a worse battle record than the other army of frogs.


Hummingbird – Charm

Who knew the humble hummingbird was really Mr. Steal Yo Girl?

Hyenas – Cackle

Did hyenas come up with this themselves?  Bet they thought that shit was hilarious.  Stoner ass dogs, smh

Jays – Party

Who would’ve thought Jays were the bros of the aviary?  Makes sense since most of them are total jerks.

Otters – Romp

Okay this one makes total sense.  Just a bunch of adorable water weasels just getting into mischief.  Good on you, zoology.

Owls – Parliament

Owls are always presented as arrogant pomps in fiction, so it makes perfect sense that a group of them would be named after a group of British human ass clowns.

Porcupines – Prickle

Raccoons – Gaze

Cut the shit raccoons, get out of here, you damn nature bandits!
Creepy as shit raccoons, stop staring at me.  No, I don’t have garbage for you.  No, I won’t put the cans out tonight.  Stop it, go help Pocahontas or something.

Rattlesnakes – Rhumba

Fun fact, Google “snake roomba” and there’s an actual story about a dude that found a snake in his Roomba.  Just picture, a fucking battalion of snakes on roombas, slowly, methodically- oh it’s like the dance?  Shaking your rattle like you shake your thang?  Okay, that makes way more sense.

Ravens – Unkindness

Wow, Ravens need to up their reputation.  Crows will cut your throat.  Ravens will cut you in line at Cumby’s to cash in their scratch ticket.

Stingrays – Fever

Bet Steve Irwin wishes he only got a fever (oh come on it’s been 10 years, suck it up!).

Whales – Pod

Blue whales have the biggest dick in the game and a group of them is called a Pod?  That’s no coincidence.

Wombats – Wisdom

Of all the animals you give wisdom to, a fucking wombat?  You see those things?  They’re about as sharp as a bowling ball.  They’re already just blind, bumbling balls of fur.  Stop playing a joke on them by making their group name ironic.

And in case you were wondering, a group of humans is called a tribe.  Makes sense right?  So much sense that the only other animal that uses the word tribe for their groups is goats.  And they’re pretty smart animals, I mean-

Okay, maybe Wombats don’t have it so bad.

If Other Things Were as Stacked as the Golden State Warriors

*Spoilers for the upcoming 2016-17 NBA Season*

If you generally follow sports in any rudimentary way, you probably heard that Kevin Durant signed with the Golden State Warriors, giving a team that just set a wins record a top 5 player without really shaking up their team.  It’s basically unprecedented.  It would’ve been like if the James/Wade/Bosh Miami Heat team just signed Chris Paul or Carmelo Anthony.  But, like my example, many people kept comparing it to sports; what if we go beyond?  I’m here to feed all those who haven’t got a clue about basketball just how ridiculous this signing is.  Not all heroes wear capes…

 Pokemon Team:

Okay, I bet you fuckers love this Pokemon Go bullshit.  Sweeping the nation like Snapchat and social unrest.  So everyone’s wondering, what is the most stacked Pokemon team you can have?  If you had unlimited Master Balls and PokeDollars to spend, what mythological masterclass would you assemble to black out all comers?  Well, it’s all about settin’ ’em up to knock them down.  A team this stacked would destroy any competition.

First up?  Magikarp.  Exactly.  They’ll never see it coming.  Just flopping around like a dingus.  Just act really frustrated and upset that he sucks more than Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 1.  It’s all a ruse, though.  Let them clean up that Magikarp and get complacent.  You’re about to unleash hell.

This is like 1/12 of their effective numbers.

Bam!  Just throw like 35 Zubats at him!  You don’t need to own more than one.  Just toss one out there and let him get all his little Zubat friends.  Those things are the worst.  You’re telling me that another trainer is going to be able to adapt to what they thought was a cupcake matchup that turns into a nocturnal nightmare?  Doubtful.  Hell, the other trainer might quit on the spot, just because fuck Zubats that’s why.

Next out, Mr. Mime.  This is yet another ruse.  You get that chucko fuck out there to dance around and say his shitty name (you know, like mimes totally do) and get the Pokemon and trainer alike to start assaulting him.  Mr. Mime’s not gonna last long, but after all those Zubats, the other trainer is gonna be harried.  They’re not sticking around for the long haul, and Mr. Mime is gonna tire that sucker out.  Eventually, when Mr. Mime succumbs, you got your designated hitter just ready to go.

Jynx.  Yup.  Look at this thing:

That is horrifying.  Dear lord.  Their Pokemon is gonna go running!  One sweet wet one from that chick, and bruh.  Case closed.  And if you’re telling me there’s still a Pokemon out there, well you step right up motherfucker, I got a best friend to tell you about.

His name is Snorlax.  Nighty night dickhead.  Your reign of terror is over.  You can’t even move this bastard.  He just sits there.  And he’s well fed too.  You give that Snorlax nothing but a pallet BJ’s Wholesale pretzel nugget jars every day, and he might as well have his own moon.

Last but not least, is my insurance policy.  Diglett with a gun.  DON’T ASK ME HOW THE MOTHERFUCKER GOT IT HE JUST DOES AND HE IS MAD!  Gotta Confederate Flag bandana and everything.  Man, scares me just thinking about it, little turdball just running rampant like that.  It’ll be that petting zoo all over again.  Man, I just got those baby sheep out of my head…but fuck man, you mess with the bull you’ll get the horns.

Magikarp, Zubats (~35), Mr. Mime, Jynx, Snorlax, Diglett (w/ gun)

Game of Thrones Kingsguard:

All right, let’s get back to my roots.  So the Kingsguard is seven knights sworn to protect the King.  They’ve never been a efficient lot; multiple incompetent assholes, pedophiles, and literal zombies.  But what if we were able to ask anyone, across allegiance, alignment, and aliveness?  Well, we could put together a fearsome band of brutes to protect that dumb child with his pointy chair.

Start at the top, Lord Commander Jon Snow.  He can’t die.  That’s a big pro in my book.  The ability to escape death on a show where pretty much everyone has died is a true talent.  You can’t teach that.  Plus, it gives him another oath to follow, and we all know how much that dude loves rules and being boring.

Dude looks downright orgasmic to have two hands on his sword again.

Next, two handed Jaime Lannister.  Are you like me?  Do you think Jaime Lannister was way better when he had two hands?  I think it’s because he’s down cause he can’t throw righty in to finish the job in his alone time.  But now with both hands back, he’s all lubed up and ready to go.  Just beating them back.  Jerking them around.  With a nice stroke and a quick flourish.  And there’s just not a better finisher in the game.

You can’t have a Kingsguard without Brienne of Tarth.  Who else would you have go on mindless errands all over the place never finding anyone?  Huge gap in your game if you pass her up.  Plus, she adds to your team’s height in case you have to play big.

Speaking of big, gotta go with Zombie Mountain in the four spot.  Brother is just completely brutal.  Low key good surgeon too.  I once saw him perform routine spinal surgery on a guy with his bare hands.  Dude didn’t even feel a thing.  Quite the talent.

You want bigger?  Going with Wun Wun the giant next.  Why?

That’s why.

Sixth spot goes to secret weapon Podrick Payne.  Listen, you never know when you’re gonna need a good honeypot.  What if the Sand Snakes seek redemption and try to kill the King to avenge their father?  Duh, send in Podrick to take them to pound town.  They won’t even know what continent they’re on…probably start speaking valyrian and wasting six seasons  of plot before he’s done.

The last spot may be controversial…it’s Bran Stark.  Now, hear me out.  All you gotta do is tell him to kill everyone.  “Hey Bran, it’d be totally cool if you actively tried to destroy the entire kingdom, thanks.”  Bran will do nothing but solve everything and achieve peace!  It’s a guarantee.

Jon Snow, Jaime Lannister, Brienne of Tarth, Zombie Mountain, Wun Wun, Podrick Payne, Fuckin’ Bran


It’s not hard to stack a band, especially since the cap limit in the music industry is ridiculous.  That’s how you end up with Kevin, Joe, and Nick Jonas all on the same team.  It’s so unfair.  But, with unlimited money and power, what concoction of sound could be created to reach the peak of audible enjoyment?  And it’s obvious you have to start at the core.  Sir Paul McCartney.  That’s a foundation if I’ve ever seen one.  Songwriting?  Check.  Bass player?  Check.  Backing Vocals?  You got it.  Token southpaw?  Already warming up.

Plus you know…20% chance he’s a vampire.

Lead guitarist is easy.  Jack White.  The man dragged Meg White to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.  If you don’t believe me, try playing drums in Rock Band on expert for “Icky Thump” and let me know when it gets fun.  I’d wait but I’m not eternal yet.

Next is Dave Grohl.  Really don’t care where he goes.  Probably drums, but you’re really signing the intangibles here.  He can play every instrument, carry the equipment, and do your band’s taxes.  Gotta have that man in the trenches.

All right, but you gotta appeal to the kids today.  Taylor Swift?  No way.  Chick is a chemistry nightmare.  She’ll be writing nasty breakup songs about Paul McCartney and claiming “Yesterday” was about her before you know it.  Nope.  Kanye?  Can’t do it.  He already thinks he’s the best band of all time by himself, and he’d get mad Jack White wouldn’t wear his $500 t-shirts.  You want vocals?  Rihanna.  Girl prints platinum records.  I almost subscribed to Tidal for her.  She’s that good.

Now, in the 5th spot, you need a secret weapon.  Gotta jazz it up with something.  And no one jazzes it up better than former President Bill Fucking Clinton.  ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?  NO, NO I AM NOT.  You play two songs without him.  Then in the lead up to the next song, off stage you just hear some sexy saxophone sizzle and in struts that does not inhale but blows people away!  Panties dropping so hard, there’s gonna be a sinkhole at Bonnaroo.  Just give me the gold plated diapers now.

Paul McCartney, Jack White, Dave Grohl, Rihanna, Bill Clinton

Song of the Summer Retrospective

With the summer comes a lot of things.  Trips to the beach, cookouts, sweating balls in your apartment because you’re too lazy to install your air conditioner…  But it also comes with that one song.  The song that plays seemingly endlessly on the radio.  Over and over and over.  Until you’re sick of it…then they play it some more.  You can be sitting outside, listening to some tunes, trying to relax in an environment that’s too hot (hot damn!), and that same fucking song comes on that you’ve heard 4,000 times by now.  And yet usually, there’s something, just something about it that still gets to you.  Catchy hook, a beat, a flow, something, and you find yourself enjoying it all over again.  Drake’s “One Dance” is currently the frontrunner for 2016, but hey, one catchy song about a summer love or a Korean guy screaming into a butt, and it all changes.  So I’m here, to give a retrospective on those songs for the last 10 years.  What makes me an expert?  I’ve listened to every song at least once.  I think…hold on…okay, yeah, definitely have!  And who cares?  It gives you a short list of bullshit to read while you’re on the can at work, and that’s all that really matters.

2006 – Promiscuous by Nelly Furtado featuring Timbaland

Back in 2000, Nelly Furtado was just bursting on the scene asking people to respectfully reduce electricity use and indulge in ornithological comparisons.  Then shit got turnt and she became a flamethrower just spitting out number one hit after number 36 hit.  It was a weird career defining moment for Nelly Furtado, but this song still works, and will receive a fond memory from everyone who is in their early 30’s now.

2007 – Umbrella by Rihanna featuring Jay-Z

Guys, Rihanna has been around for so long.  By the time she could legally drink in the U.S., she had already had five #1 songs.  She’s only behind the Beatles and Mariah Carey for most #1’s of all time.  She’s already ahead of Michael Jackson, Madonna, and Whitney Houston.  She has 10 more #1’s than Taylor Swift.  Even if you take away the three where she’s only featured, that’s still 11!  Umbrella might not be her best song, but it’s still great, even if it’s the caused terrible people to turn umbrella into a nine syllable word for a year.  But it makes up for that for keeping “Hey There Delilah” out of the top spot this year.  Get that sad shit outta here, Plain White T’s!  Some of us are trying to enjoy throwing back PBR while attempting to balance on a inflatable crocodile!

2008 – I Kissed a Girl by Katy Perry

Oh, I get it, she’s got a dog!

Not sure why this one is appealing…perhaps it’s Katy Perry’s voice?  It’s quite good.  I guess it’s kinda catchy.  Nope, don’t understand.  And this shit knocked out Coldplay?  Those darling lads from England that are universally beloved by everyone? Viva La Vida was transcendent!  I’m shocked.  Truly shocked.  Whatever, I’m sure this is just a one-hit wonder that we’ll never have to deal with again.

2009 – Boom Boom Pow/I Gotta Feeling – Black Eyed Peas

Do you remember seven short years ago when the Black Eyed Peas just owned the world.  My Humps won a Grammy.  They had the number one song from April to October.  And will.i.am appeared on a hologram on CNN during their election day coverage.  The Black Eyed Peas usually emit love or hate responses, and I go song to song by that.  Take Boom Boom Pow:  I love this song.  It’s addicting, exciting, and just gets you moving.  Even it’s “2000 and late” line just seems funny now and less unforgivable.  But I Gotta Feeling…no.  I don’t let that one go.  Like seriously, fuck that song.  They start by repeat the same line 12 times and then immediately rhyme up with up.  They’re next rhyme?  God and off.  At least they teach us the days of the week at the end.

2010 – California Gurls by Katy Perry featuring Snoop Dogg


2011 – Party Rock Anthem by LMFAO featuring Lauren Bennett and GoonRock

If there was one song…one song that we could save through the downfall of civilization…one song that we could send to outer space to communicate with other forms of life…one song to hold upon high as the pinnacle of music as an art form…look no further than this classic from master poets Redfoo and SkyBlu.  Just a pure masterpiece from beginning to end.  It had me in tears.  These two gentleman have crafted an opus the likes of the world have never seen, and dare I say will most likely never see again.

2012 – Call Me Maybe by Carly Rae Jepsen

“And on the fourth day there were bangs, and she saw that they were good…”

The year was 2012…the people had been oppressed by 8 weeks of Gotye.  At first, most people enjoyed their new benevolent vaguely foreign ruler with his catchy xylophone and alarmingly huge mouth.  Then, an unending barrage of Gotye struck and the people despaired.  “Please!” they said, “Someone save us from the Gotye!”  And then, out of the sky, an angelic voice came down, and proclaimed “Hey, I just met you…and this is crazy…but here’s my number…so call me, maybe!”  And the people rose up, in an unending stream of romantic comedy inspired lyrics, unrelenting catchiness, and bangs.  To this day, we thank our savior for bringing this song into our minds…even though it tends to linger for an entire day once it is there.

2013 – Blurred Lines by Robin Thicke featuring T.I. and Pharrell

I’m going to take this time to just remind everyone that Robin Thicke’s marriage fell apart because he lacked the common spacial awareness to recognize the threat that mirrors contain:

Looks like the ring might be slipping off his finger.  His other finger appears to be slipping into a ring.

2014 – Fancy by Iggy Izalea featuring Charli XCX

This song is very misunderstood.  Many think it’s just about two girls having a good time.  No.  It is much more than that.  Iggy Izalea is a modern Renaissance (wo)man.  Our generation’s Da Vinci.  She, in no uncertain terms, claims to be a hitman, a physics teacher, and a time traveler.  She sees a future where there is a freeway that stretches across the Pacific Ocean from Los Angeles to Tokyo.  And, more unrealistically, a future where the word “retarded” is still in acceptable use.  A true pioneer.

2015 – See You Again Wiz Khalifa featuring Charlie Puth

Okay, this is a weird one.  First off, this should’ve been Uptown Funk.  I don’t think I’ve heard a more Song of Summer song than Uptown Funk, and I frankly hope I never will cause I still can’t get that song out of my head.  Then Furious 7 came out and this tribute song to Paul Walker and this locked down the top of the charts.  Sure, Cheerleader made a late push, but fuck that.  You know who owns the summer?  Paul Walker!  And Vin Diesel!  That’s right mother fuckers, this is really a Fast and Furious post!  Roll that shit:

R.I.P.  Brian O’Conner.  Live life a quarter mile at a time.

For the Watchers: S6E10 “The Winds of Winter”

*Spoilers up to the current episode of Game of Thrones*

The first three seasons of Game of Thrones treated the last episode like an epilogue.  Episode 9 got all the glory and episode 10 reacted to it. That all changed in Season 4, when Tyrion killed Shae and Tywin.  Then, they upped the ante by having Jon Snow be stabbed to death by a prepubescent boy.  But then to the shock of literally no one, they brought him back to life.  So, you can’t fool us again, Game of Thrones.  We know who has plot armor and who doesn’t!  What are you gonna do now, huh?  Well, evidently the answer to that question is basically kill off EVERY OTHER FUCKING CHARACTER.  After Ramsay died in the last episode, I said this show was going to have an antagonist problem.  Sure, they hinted at Cersei turning King’s Landing into her own personal Nagasaki, but even then, a lot predicted that taking things that far would immediately lead to her death, either by wildfire or by Jaime.  Not only is she still alive, she turned back into that cruel sadist she used to be and painted a bulls-eye on her back when everyone was looking for a target.  Now instead of Dany going toe to toe with cat-loving turd Tommen, we get the real clash of Queens we’ve all been waiting for.  With her plans literally out the window, Cersei has nothing left but a vindictive streak and perhaps a desire to prove herself.  This gives us a very tasty tinder box to watch develop in Season 7.  And another worthy antagonist for us to wish dead.

Speaking of the dead, there were no lack of casualties this week.  Seriously, the list of named characters killed off in this episode was eleven.  ELEVEN.  Those are Bran Stark numbers, and he didn’t even kill anyone!  The only Stark that died was in a flashback (good on ya, Starks, can’t even stop from dying when you’re not dying).  Here’s a quick breakdown of how I felt about all eleven, from least to most in amount of care:

These are the guys in the pies.  One of them was in Harry Potter and the other was in Doctor Who.  Yes, I found that on IMDb.

11 and 10)  Lothar Frey and Black Walder

AKA the Frey goon squad.  They’re equally as recognizable as pies.

9) Kevan Lannister

I literally forgot he was dead until I was preparing this blog, so that pretty much sums it up.

8) Lancel Lannister

I mean, when this guy showed back up, they did all but hold up a picture of him from Season 2.  He was that forgettable.  Plus, he lacks the hustle and awareness that makes a good role player.

7) Grand Maester Pycelle

This dude managed to have a horrific death that still made me laugh out loud when he bitch-slapped a kid.  However, he was docked points for not being a peacock.

6)  Mace Tyrell

RIP Peacock man.

5) Walder Frey

Walder Frey was basically that wine we have tucked away from some random year our friend that knows wines said was good.  That bottle of Johnny Walker Blue we secretly hope our asshat friends don’t drink while we’re away.  His death was inevitable, it was just a matter of when we got to savor it.

4) Tommen Baratheon

During the moments before his self-defenestration, I found it crazy that the Boy Blunder was going to ax himself.  But it made perfect sense, as it created the villain in Cersei this show desperately needed for Season 7 before the loath-able sideshow we’ll have to endure in fighting the White Walkers.  Kid had great form too, 100% DGAF.

3) Loras Tyrell

Loras has been a bust for the last two seasons, but he was a dope swordsman with great hair.  Plus, he was the heir of House Tyrell, and dammit that used to mean something!

They wouldn’t have needed those eye-rocks for his wake.  You know, if his body wasn’t instantly incinerated.

2) High Sparrow

I do not like the High Sparrow.  He’s basically a monotonous professor, mixed with a confirmation class teacher, with a dash of Charles Manson.  My amount of care is less dictated by how much I enjoyed the character, and more by the facts that 1) I’m am relieved he is out of the picture, 2) he made way for a much more intriguing villain, 3) I don’t have to see that weird blankless stare through my soul anymore.

1) Margaery Tyrell

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOkay so it’s not like, the biggest deal that she died.  Arya was probably the only non big three (Jon, Dany, and Tyrion) person that could’ve died that really would’ve deeply bothered me.  But everything about me wanted Margaery to run when she smelled a load of bullshit.  I was incensed at the assclown star-heads that blocked her way…even though I now know she would’ve needed Varys levels of traveling speed to get out of the way of that blast.  I’ll miss Margaery Tyrell and I’ll miss Natalie Dormer…but evidently not nearly as much as Tommen did.

Meanwhile, in the North:

Jon:  Lords and Ladies, we need to unite to fight the White Walkers…

Yohn Royce:  And why would we do that?

Lyanna Mormont:  Are you fucking kidding me Royce?

Royce:  I beg your pardon…

Lyanna:  Pardon this dipshit. *wanker gesture*  Get your head out of your enormous ass and pledge to Jon Snow.

Wyman Manderly:  My Lady, you mustn’t…

Lyanna:  The fuck you say Manderly?  Your triple chin trying to dribble out some horseshit?  I have 62 fucking men.  Six.  Two.  And they were all behind Jon Snow the entire time.  And you, the human embodiment of a KFC Double Down, just sat there on your bean bag chair ass doing dick all with your army.

Wyman Manderly:  Please, I just didn’t want my family to-

“Oh this?  This is just how many seconds I’m giving you before I show you your tonsils.”

Lyanna:  To what?  See what a competent lord would do?  You’re like a manatee that’s washed ashore, but with less practical purpose.  In fact, if you were a manatee, I wish you’d be back in the water so you could get hit by a boat.

Cley Cerwyn:  Okay, I’ve heard about enough…

Lyanna:  And YOU, Cerwyn!  The only thing you’ve ever handled properly was your own dick after it took you months to find it.

Cley Cerwyn:  Stop it, you’re being mean!

Lyanna:  What’re you gonna do, go run and tell daddy?  Oh, that’s right, he was flayed alive in front of you.  And guess what, he STILL has thicker skin than you.

Robett Glover:  That’s it!  I’m ending this right-

*Lyanna stands up and just starts repeatedly, unceasingly kicking Lord Glover in the balls*

Jon:  So…what do you say?

Everyone:  …the King in the North?

Lyanna:  *kicks Lord Glover in the balls again*  I can’t hear you.

Everyone:  The King in the North!

And finally to the Tower of Joy.  So Jon’s a Targaryen.  But he’s still half Stark, which explains why he’s chronically inept.  Overall, it’s still a monumental revelation regardless of how telegraphed it was.  Though, don’t expect that to become common knowledge anytime soon.  I mean, this is Bran you’re counting on with this information.  Kid’s about as clutch as a brain tumor.  Even if word got out, if Dany gets push back from the Seven Kingdoms, Jon being family isn’t gonna look super hot.  The only good thing is the Targaryen’s love incest as much as they love lighting shit on fire, so Jon and Dany could make a power couple bigger than Jay-Z and Beyonce.  But with dragons.

Stupidity is clearly sexually transmitted in Westeros cause Talisa dicked up saving this Frankenstein fuck’s life
  1. Seriously though, I wish I was the one guy who hadn’t read/thought of the R+L=J theory and was just like “OH SHIT SON” during that reveal.
  2. I mean, if Natalie Dormer was the only girl I had ever hooked up with and she died, I might jump out a window too.  The things Tommen does for love…
  3. Daario:  What will you do without me?
    Dany:  Probably rule Westeros and perhaps fall in love with my nephew.
    Daario:  And that’s what you want?
    Audience:  FOR GODS SAKE, YES!
  4. Never have I ever wanted someone to have a threesome more than Bronn in that scene where clearly someone was gonna get got.  Please Bronn, go fuck those two gorgeous women and get the fuck out of this room!
  5. Benjen:  I gotta go.
    Bran:  But you just got here?  Why even come at all?
    Benjen:  Cause fuck book readers.
  6. Hey, when you look at the back of the Mountain’s head, it doesn’t look so bad.
  7. Isn’t it weird that the only person championing a woman to lead the North is a former brothel owning wifeslayer and the person that convinced everyone to let a man lead was a 10-year-old girl?
  8. I hope Tommen at least fed Ser Pounce first…
  9. Euron:  Excuse me, which way is Meereen?
    Gendry:  Dude, I have no idea where the fuck I am.
  10. Qyburn went from being introduced with his throat slit to being the person crowning the Queen.  He’s doing this show backwards.
  11. Game of Thrones by Disney:
    Sam:  I’m to be the new Maester!
    Receptionist:  Right this way!
    Sam:  Are these all books for me?
    Receptionist: *singing*  I can show you the world…
  12. Season 3:
    Melisandre to Arya:  “We will meet again…”
    Season 6:
    Jon Snow:  Get the fuck out, Melisandre.
    Audience:  NOOOOOOOOOOOO
  13. It makes sense that Olenna would go to Dorne since it’s basically the Florida of Westeros.  She’s relocating to retire in a state of crazy wack jobs that somehow have a huge amount of influence on who the next leader will be.

Thank you to everyone that read this blog during the Game of Thrones season.  I appreciate you.  Hope you all keep reading whatever the fuck I write about next.

For the Watchers: S6E9 “Battle of the Bastards”

*Spoilers for everything up to this episode of Game of Thrones*

There’s a lot of gut-wrenching twists in Game of Thrones.  So many that viewers of the show are often primed for suffering before it happens, like a Wal-Mart employee on Black Friday or a Cleveland Browns fan.  Every moment of this episode I kept thinking, “Here it comes.”  Even when Littlefinger showed up to save the day, I half expected him to stab Jon or set Winterfell on fire while pissing on the arrow pin-cushion that was Rickon Stark.  Hell, I wasn’t even sure that those dogs wouldn’t attack Sansa instead of Ramsay.  Cause that’s the kinda fucked up shit we’re used to.  Instead we got something worse.  Wholesale victory across the board.  Sure, we were due for a win.  But it feels like there’s a shoe that’s going to drop.  Like Littlefinger tries to marry Sansa, or Dorne comes back into the fray, or Cersei loses her trial and then tells Qyburn to go under the city and use all the- sorry, I’m digressing, you get the picture.

Hey, that’s not fair, get down or I’m telling!

There was a little less of a close call in Essos.  Dany is basically playing on easy mode at this point; it’s not even fair.  Just whips out her Game Genie and summons dragons at will. And by the time she gets to Westeros, she’s probably not going to face much hostility.  After her dragons stop by Euron Greyjoy’s armada for a quick brunch, they should get to Westeros with a lot of sympathetic houses.  Yet again all too easy.  I haven’t seen a fight this one sided since Shireen vs. fire.  And now she’s got the Greyjoy’s!  Though, then again, everything shitty happens to the Greyjoys.  Shit, those boats are gonna sink aren’t they?  Can somebody get the Dothraki some floaties, please!

Meanwhile, in Winterfell…

Jon:  Okay, that about wraps up the reconstruction.  We just put up a shitload of new trees in our god garden-

Sansa:  Godswood.

Jon:  Whatever, and we’re good to go!  Now, to start, like, governing and shit.

Sansa:  Cool, let me know if any lords have come to swear fealty to me.

Jon:  Whoa whoa whoa, who died and made you queen?

Sansa:  Rickon.  That happened like, yesterday.

Jon:  Right.  But I’m like, super cool.  All the girls love me, guys wanna be me, and I’m basically the best swordsman in this show.

Sansa:  What about Brienne?

Jon:  I said swoardsMAN!

Sansa:  *rolls her eyes basically forever*

Jon:  Point is, I should be the lord.  I’m in the show way more and-

*Bran enters Winterfell*


Sansa:  BRAN!

The Entire Audience:  Oh no…

Bran:  Hey guys, I’m back to rule and stuff.  Also, I killed basically everyone with me, except for Benjen, who is dead.

*Dead Benjen waves*


Bran:  Where’s Rickon?  I sent him and Osha to the Umbers for their safety…

*More silence*

Bran:  Oh, also, I had the craziest dream right before I got here, where the Night’s King and I were holding hands as I walked into Winterfell.  And now here I am!  Isn’t that great?

Jon:  You know what, maybe Sansa should be in charge…

He was a lovable goof…

Before we wrap up today, I’d be remiss if I didn’t address the death of Ramsay Bolton.  As many who read this blog know, I’ve championed Ramsay as one of my favorite characters ever since his appearance in Season 3.  Villains are often the most interesting characters since they are unpredictable and can have unusual personalities.  From the start, Ramsay was a charismatic, ruthless sociopath who sadistically laughed his way to the top of the villain hierarchy in a show that has had quite a few memorable antagonists.  He’s killed his father, his step-mom, his half brother, Rickon, Osha, that old lady helping Sansa, a shitload of Ironborn, and Theon’s penis.  Not a bad scoreboard.  As this show shifts from a buch of lovable goofs just hacking off heads to a dreary ice zombie dirge trudging toward inevitability, I have to say I’m going to miss the son of a bitch.  There was even a part of me that was hoping those dogs would just lick the blood off his face and go back in their cages…what’s that?  Just me?  Fine, I knew he had to die and it was a satisfying way to see him go.  May you terrorize and torture people in the fictional character hell where you belong.

Quick Hits:

“Christ, okay, here’s Rickon, just stop glaring at me!”

  1. Should’ve let Lyanna Mormont lead that charge.  Whole army would’ve run in terror.
  2. A Westeros version of the Hangover with Tormund, Bronn, and Podrick.  You’re welcome, Earth.
  3. To all arrogant villains in a surrender negotiation: if the supposedly weaker side requests YOUR surrender, and you don’t have a surprise up your sleeve, you should probably refrain from laughing in their face.
  4. I like the lingering shot on the Arryn’s Banner like 50% of the audience knew who they were.  Better off having a picture of a moon and a door, or a 14 year old kid breastfeeding.
  5. RIP Rickon.  He was a Stark to the end; running in a straight line like an idiot and dying after accomplishing nothing.
  6. I’d love to see the look on the gravedigger’s face when he sees Wun Wun’s body.
  7. The opening credits would’ve spoiled Littlefinger saving the day if literally everyone didn’t see it coming.
  8. I’m glad the Harpies went out doing what they loved…stabbing former masters for no discernible reason whatsoever.
  9. The fuck did Davos think happened to Shireen?  She died of old age?
  10. Hey, Stark Army?  I don’t wanna tell you who to be, but if you see yourself getting surrounded by a phalanx, may not be the best plan to bunch up and wait.
  11. Ramsay:  “Their army’s gone.”
    Bolton Soldier:  “What about the Vale’s army?”
    Ramsay:  “Hey…shut up.”
  12. Quick breakdown of the best archers on the show: 1) Anguy, 2) Ygritte, 3) Ramsay, 4) Blackfish, 5) Olly, last Edmure.  Shame only the last one is still in the show.