I went to Suicide Squad on opening night. A wide range of humans filled the AMC theater: nervous DC fans in silent prayer to the gods of their universe that this movie would be good, Harley Quinn cosplayers squeaking in anticipatory delight, and irresponsible parents with their tweaked out entitled offspring. And after two hours of action, comedy, drama, and feelings, we all had come to the same conclusion: we had certainly seen Suicide Squad.
Was the movie fantastic? No, not really. Is it worth seeing? Sure, go nuts. In fact, if you haven’t seen it, close this out now so you can experience it for yourself first. Seriously I don’t care, I already have your page view for my ego; thanks for making up the 2% contribution to my traffic…unless you are that random person from the Philippines that fucking loves my Game of Thrones recaps…you should probably see somebody about that. But this movie left me with a lot of thoughts. It’s baffling in some sections and brilliant in others…and some of these I really want to address. That, and I’m literally dying over here since Game of Thrones ended. Seriously, somebody give me a Harry Potter TV show or something, it’s like the potato famine of bland content over here. DON’T MAKE ME TALK ABOUT ANIMALS ANYMORE. Anyway, this isn’t a review, just random observations and questions, with limited critiques.
*Spoilers for Suicide Squad follow*
1) The rewrites this movie endured are highly visible
I can just see DC executives watching Guardians of the Galaxy and just being like “SHIT, we need to do that! Somebody get our Suicide Squad guy on the phone, we need this flick lousy with classic rock! Just flooded with Foreigner and CCR!” I’m just glad this movie didn’t come out 5 years ago or the entire thing would be dubstep instead of just like the most prominent song. But it’s not just the soundtrack. Tone turns on a dime. Plot points, hell, entire characters (what up Katana) are just introduced and just kinda dropped there, like a kid drawing stick figures into a painting. It just doesn’t seem whole. But I’m not saying the movie is bad, plenty of good like…
2) Margot Robbie is good, y’all
For all the people who were expecting Margot Robbie to flop, well, she might not have hit it out of the park but she definitely got it over the wall. You believe her as Harley, and it’s not like they try to hide her. She’s pretty prominent. And not just in the dialogue. The movie is basically 30 minutes of Margot Robbie ass shots and 60 minutes of you wondering when the next Margot Robbie ass shot is gonna be. She may not nail the voice dead on, but she probably couldn’t nail it anyway, so best not to go there. Her voice was fine, completely acceptable, especially considering we lauded the last Batman franchise that basically let Christian Bale sound like a blender being muffled by an angry walrus with indigestion.
3) OH BOY! YOU SAID THE SECRET WORD!
Rick Flag: Okay, babe, me and you are gonna be fine. Just whatever you do, don’t say-
June Moone: Enchantress…
Rick Flag: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
There’s literally no reason for Dr. Moone to say this other than the screenwriter looked at his page count and realized he had to start the plot at some point. The first time she uses it, she’s has to be coaxed and comforted into doing it. It’s clearly something she doesn’t enjoy doing at all. But then she’s just sleeping, and oops, guess I said the one word that might end the entire world. My bad!
4) And you thought Slipknot the band was irrelevant
Who is Slipknot you may be asking yourself? He’s that Native American dude that gets his throat detonated when trying to escape. Basically, he’s there to make the neck bombs a legitimate threat. And you don’t wanna waste any high quality heroes on that, but c’mon man! At least tease him by introducing him earlier instead of essentially just…
Deadshot: Hey, who’s that guy?
Rick Flag: It really doesn’t matter, he’ll be dead in 10 minutes anyway.
Deadshot: Eff you man, I’m not your puppet.
Rick Flag: We get it Will Smith, you’re supposed to be a bad guy.
Also, you’re getting a crew together that’s supposed to fight Superman and his like. So don’t gather a crew that’s mostly underpowered humans. Here’s a list of their attributes and contributions (we’ll start with the good):
Deadshot: Best hitman in the world. Definite asset.
El Diablo: Can blow up anything when he feels like it. Cool, so he’s like Human Torch meets the Hulk. That’s a check mark.
Captain Boomerang: Has boomerang. Nope.
Harley Quinn: Certifiably insane clown doctor that has one pistol and a hammer. Not packing a lot of offense there, hard pass. Side note: Her boyfriend may disrupt plans cause he probably doesn’t like her being on a team designed to get her killed. BUT WHO KNOWS WHAT THE JOKER THINKS HAHAHA (more on that later).
Slipknot: Can totally climb anything with rope. What a coincidence, Superman can climb anything too. But, without rope and actually he can just fucking fly.
Katana: She seems pretty good with that sword…could be viable as long as she was facing someone that couldn’t fly. Or had armor. Or bullets.
Killer Croc: Crocodile man that is basically useless out of water, and even in the water he’s basically just a smart crocodile that’s occasionally sassy. This doesn’t even make sense, which leads me to…
5) Killer Croc goes from ruthless monster to useless gangster
They largely ignored Killer Croc only to give him a gimmick halfway through the movie that he’s an African-American stereotype. Like one of his main character defining moments (that admittedly I did chuckle at) was when given leverage to request something, he asks for BET. That’s it. He isn’t really given any key moments either, besides going underwater to bomb the Tree Branch Scorpion From Mortal Kombat Arm God by giving the bomb to some other dude so that dude can blow himself up. That dude isn’t even in the Suicide Squad, and he does infinity percent more suicides than the entire Suicide Squad.
6) Boomerang leaves…but comes back (CAUSE GET IT?)
Remember when Rick Flag said they could leave, and Boomerang bolted out the door. And then like the next scene he just randomly shows back up during the walk-towards-the-screen-#squadgoals montage? He leaves and comes back…like a boomerang. But why? Frankly, even that doesn’t matter, just give him character, give him purpose. Like, for god’s sake just give him a throwaway line. Anything. Ready, here you go:
Deadshot: You came back?
Boomerang: That’s what I do, mate.
Done! At least you acknowledged it rather than awkwardly inserting him back in the fray. Not to mention, he immediately whips out a boomerang reconnaissance device that mainly just alerts the bad guys to their presence. Way to go, team. But at least his contributions are working towards something, unlike probably the most glaring issue I have with the entire movie…
7) JARED LETO’S CRAZY EDGY OSTRICH DICK WRAP MY EYES IN SINEW JOKER HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Hey Jared Leto: stop. Just stop. You got your Oscar and thought I’m gonna outdo Heath Ledger’s Joker. “I’m gonna mail my semen to my cast members and play Russian Roulette with a staple gun on my nut sack.” This wasn’t what Lee Strasberg had in mind when he developed method acting. You’re not Daniel Day-Lewis. You’re the lead singer of a shitty rock band that I enjoy watching get beat up in Fight Club. Your Joker made no sense. The worst thing is, your response to that would probably be “Exactly!” but no, that’s wrong. You didn’t add to the movie at all, and your scenes were a dumpster fire. Go light children’s toys on fire while drinking straight Everclear like we’re supposed to assume you do.
8) In conclusion, it’s still fun
I come across overly harsh, and there are certainly flaws in the movie. But it was enjoyable. Amanda Waller was a fantastic character, Will Smith and Margot Robbie did a great job, and it got me out of there in two hours unlike Batman v Superman. And if it had only had one writer and one focus, it probably could’ve been great. Which gives me hope for Wonder Woman. Please, please for the sake of Gal Gadot, please let that movie be good.