*Spoilers for Game of Thrones*
Well that’s it, they finally did it. It was a long time coming, but I think I speak for all the viewers when I say it was satisfying to finally see it. Like many, I guessed what would happen, but actually seeing it in front of me was all the better. The love, the devotion, the anticipation up until the final action, and then BAM! Someone tried to kick Theon in the nuts. I know, I almost thought it wouldn’t happen. So many seasons of waiting to see whether he would be able to feel anything or not, and sure enough, he can’t. Other than that, the rest of the episode was basically running through the motions. Dany and Jon banged (obvious), the zombie dragon burned down the Wall (yawn), Jaime left Cersei (who wouldn’t?), and Jon’s the rightful king to Westero-ly shit! Fine, this was hinted at earlier in the season, but hearing his name is Aegon Targaryen, and he’s the rightful king (while plowing the rightful queen) is a big fucking deal. Unfortunately, it was a big fucking deal we kinda already knew, but finally the characters might actually know since Beavis and Butthead finally combined their powers of being terrible informants together and figured it out. It’ll be interesting to see how both Jon and Dany take the news that they’re doinking a close relative; I’m guessing like most of us, it’s just an uneasy detail to gloss over in this universe.
Overall, pretty terrible season for Cersei. Her new husband is a total dick, she has to spend the next 9 months knocked up with bad health care, and her twin brother just decided that rather than fuck her, he’d rather fight ice zombies in sub-zero degree weather. That’s harsh. Not “your last kid swan dived into a sidewalk ’cause you killed his hot wife” harsh, but still, not a good month. Still might be better than that shit montage we had to deal with in Episode 1. At least those mercenary companies in Essos are probably being led by that razor-tongued minx Daario Naharis, so him and Euron can have a fight to see who can out douchebag the other. Season 8 is gonna be great, guys!
Meanwhile, in Dragonstone…
Jon: I will go back to the North by boat. I think Dany should go with me.
Tyrion: That’s a terrible idea, putting Dany on the front lines puts her in unnecessary danger!
Dany: Tyrion makes a good point…
Jon: [looking at Dany] Look, I know it’s hard, but I’ll be with you.
Tyrion: You can’t protect her by yourself!
Jon: [not taking his eyes off Dany] I know how to use a sword. And mine is long, stiff, and able to strike multiple blows.
Tyrion: That’s a terribly awkward description of a- oh no…
Jon: I can thrust my sword deeper and deeper into anyone who would face me.
Tyrion: [facepalms while shaking his head]
Jon: I’m not going to just lie down. I’ll prove to you that I’m behind you.
Dany: I…still think it’s safer to just take the dragon…
Jon: Sure, riding a dragon must be fun, but does it think of your comforts? Your desires?
Tyrion : I think we know about your desires.
Jon: I’m just a human being with a soft smile and perfect abs who’s able to satisfy your every need if you ride me.
Tyrion: Don’t you mean ride with me?
Jon: [continues staring at Dany]
Dany: I’m going with Jon.
Jon: No, you’re coming with Jon.
*Jorah jumps out a window*
And finally, I’d be remiss if I didn’t pour one out for my boy, Littlefinger. Poor Petey Big Time just got rope-a-doped by the young children of the dude he openly mocked while betraying. To see Littlefinger go down to the Starks (by far the dumbest family traditionally in the Seven Kingdoms) is a real kick to the nuts for a dude with actual nuts. I will admit when they lay out all his crimes in a row, it feels like someone should’ve been like “AND WE’RE JUST KILLING HIM NOW?” And mostly for shit that was well known by the parties involved. Quite frankly, if I were that grumpy dude from the Vale I’d be fucking pissed Sansa didn’t mention this shit two seasons ago! The only real information that wasn’t known was him betraying Ned (at best you knew he wasn’t helping) and that he tried to kill Bran. And the Bran thing is kinda dumb too, since he owned the knife that was used to kill him, and the only person he pinned it on irrefutably denied having it or using it. Ultimately, it’s a shame they didn’t have anything better for him to do, but at least he united the Stark girls with a spicy summary execution!
1) Jaime: I wanna go out and play!
Cersei: Not until you’ve protected your family!
Jaime: But all the good guys are gonna be there!
Cersei: I liked it better when you were pushing small children out of windows.
2) Bran sucks so much, he just got dunked on by Samwell Tarly. And books.
3) Jon: The army of the dead will kill everything in Westeros.
Euron: Why not just leave then?
Jon: Hey…shut up.
4) Bronn leading Podrick away from the conference was so relieving. I like to think Bronn took him to a brothel just to learn some tips and tricks.
5) Rhaegal: ROAR! Me and Drogon are gonna fuck up the Dragon Pit!
CGI Director: We only have enough money left for Viserion to knock down the Wall.
Rhaegal: Roar! Then I’m gonna stay a respectable distance and imply menace! Roar!
6) Qyburn looked at that wight like Tormund looks at Brienne.
7) I love that a Stark finally gets shit on for not being able to lie. It took 7 whole seasons and like 6 Stark deaths but it was worth it.
8) Bran: Jon, there’s something I need to tell you.
Jon: Not now Bran, I’m going to go bang-
Bran: You are the trueborn son of Rhaegar Targaryen and Lyanna Stark. Your name is Aegon Targaryen. And you are the true heir to the Iron Throne.
Jon: So that means…
Bran: That you’re banging your aunt, yes.
Jon: NO IT MEANS I CAN BANG ON A DRAGON!
Bran: That’s…vastly unimportant compared to-
Jon: DANY! TURNS OUT I’M A TARGARYEN! WANNA GO FOR A MAGIC CARPET RIDE?
Thank you to everyone that read this stupid thing this year. And a big thanks to my friends that liked and shared this with other people, I got the most views I’ve ever gotten this year! And lastly, but definitely not least, thanks to Gendry for finally getting off that boat and getting back into my heart.