For the Watchers: Season 7 Episode 7 “The Dragon and the Wolf”

Drogon

*Spoilers for Game of Thrones*

Well that’s it, they finally did it.  It was a long time coming, but I think I speak for all the viewers when I say it was satisfying to finally see it.  Like many, I guessed what would happen, but actually seeing it in front of me was all the better.  The love, the devotion, the anticipation up until the final action, and then BAM!  Someone tried to kick Theon in the nuts.  I know, I almost thought it wouldn’t happen.  So many seasons of waiting to see whether he would be able to feel anything or not, and sure enough, he can’t.  Other than that, the rest of the episode was basically running through the motions.  Dany and Jon banged (obvious), the zombie dragon burned down the Wall (yawn), Jaime left Cersei (who wouldn’t?), and Jon’s the rightful king to Westero-ly shit!  Fine, this was hinted at earlier in the season, but hearing his name is Aegon Targaryen, and he’s the rightful king (while plowing the rightful queen) is a big fucking deal.  Unfortunately, it was a big fucking deal we kinda already knew, but finally the characters might actually know since Beavis and Butthead finally combined their powers of being terrible informants together and figured it out.  It’ll be interesting to see how both Jon and Dany take the news that they’re doinking a close relative; I’m guessing like most of us, it’s just an uneasy detail to gloss over in this universe.

Cer Jaime
“No, go give the Dragon Queen a hand.  I hear you still have one left.”

Overall, pretty terrible season for Cersei.  Her new husband is a total dick, she has to spend the next 9 months knocked up with bad health care, and her twin brother just decided that rather than fuck her, he’d rather fight ice zombies in sub-zero degree weather.  That’s harsh.  Not “your last kid swan dived into a sidewalk ’cause you killed his hot wife” harsh, but still, not a good month.  Still might be better than that shit montage we had to deal with in Episode 1.  At least those mercenary companies in Essos are probably being led by that razor-tongued minx Daario Naharis, so him and Euron can have a fight to see who can out douchebag the other.  Season 8 is gonna be great, guys!

Meanwhile, in Dragonstone…

Jon:  I will go back to the North by boat.  I think Dany should go with me.

Tyrion:  That’s a terrible idea, putting Dany on the front lines puts her in unnecessary danger!

Dany:  Tyrion makes a good point…

Jon:  [looking at Dany] Look, I know it’s hard, but I’ll be with you.

Tyrion:  You can’t protect her by yourself!

Jon:  [not taking his eyes off Dany] I know how to use a sword.  And mine is long, stiff, and able to strike multiple blows.

Tyrion:  That’s a terribly awkward description of a- oh no…

Jon:  I can thrust my sword deeper and deeper into anyone who would face me.

Tyrion:  [facepalms while shaking his head]

Jon:  I’m not going to just lie down.  I’ll prove to you that I’m behind you.

Tyrion:  Clearly.

Dany:  I…still think it’s safer to just take the dragon…

Jon:  Sure, riding a dragon must be fun, but does it think of your comforts?  Your desires?

Tyrion : I think we know about your desires.

Jon:  I’m just a human being with a soft smile and perfect abs who’s able to satisfy your every need if you ride me.

Tyrion:  Don’t you mean ride with me?

Jon:  [continues staring at Dany]

Dany:  I’m going with Jon.

Jon:  No, you’re coming with Jon.

*Jorah jumps out a window*

Poor Petey
TFW decades of planning go down the drain because the twerp you tried to kill 6 seasons ago turned into an all seeing cockbag

And finally, I’d be remiss if I didn’t pour one out for my boy, Littlefinger.  Poor Petey Big Time just got rope-a-doped by the young children of the dude he openly mocked while betraying.  To see Littlefinger go down to the Starks (by far the dumbest family traditionally in the Seven Kingdoms) is a real kick to the nuts for a dude with actual nuts.  I will admit when they lay out all his crimes in a row, it feels like someone should’ve been like “AND WE’RE JUST KILLING HIM NOW?”  And mostly for shit that was well known by the parties involved.  Quite frankly, if I were that grumpy dude from the Vale I’d be fucking pissed Sansa didn’t mention this shit two seasons ago!  The only real information that wasn’t known was him betraying Ned (at best you knew he wasn’t helping) and that he tried to kill Bran.  And the Bran thing is kinda dumb too, since he owned the knife that was used to kill him, and the only person he pinned it on irrefutably denied having it or using it.  Ultimately, it’s a shame they didn’t have anything better for him to do, but at least he united the Stark girls with a spicy summary execution!

Quick Hits:

1) Jaime:  I wanna go out and play!
Cersei:  Not until you’ve protected your family!
Jaime:  But all the good guys are gonna be there!
Cersei:  I liked it better when you were pushing small children out of windows.

2) Bran sucks so much, he just got dunked on by Samwell Tarly.  And books.

3) Jon:  The army of the dead will kill everything in Westeros.
Euron:  Why not just leave then?
Jon: Hey…shut up.

4) Bronn leading Podrick away from the conference was so relieving.  I like to think Bronn took him to a brothel just to learn some tips and tricks.

5) Rhaegal:  ROAR!  Me and Drogon are gonna fuck up the Dragon Pit!
CGI Director:  We only have enough money left for Viserion to knock down the Wall.
Rhaegal:  Roar!  Then I’m gonna stay a respectable distance and imply menace!  Roar!

6) Qyburn looked at that wight like Tormund looks at Brienne.

7) I love that a Stark finally gets shit on for not being able to lie.  It took 7 whole seasons and like 6 Stark deaths but it was worth it.

8) Bran:  Jon, there’s something I need to tell you.
Jon:  Not now Bran, I’m going to go bang-
Bran:  You are the trueborn son of Rhaegar Targaryen and Lyanna Stark.  Your name is Aegon Targaryen.  And you are the true heir to the Iron Throne.
Jon:  So that means…
Bran:  That you’re banging your aunt, yes.
Jon:  NO IT MEANS I CAN BANG ON A DRAGON!
Bran:  That’s…vastly unimportant compared to-
Jon:  DANY!  TURNS OUT I’M A TARGARYEN!  WANNA GO FOR A MAGIC CARPET RIDE?
Bran:  Goddammit.

Boat
More like a “munchin’ carpet ride” huh?

Thank you to everyone that read this stupid thing this year.  And a big thanks to my friends that liked and shared this with other people, I got the most views I’ve ever gotten this year!  And lastly, but definitely not least, thanks to Gendry for finally getting off that boat and getting back into my heart.

For the Watchers: Season 7 Episode 6 “Beyond the Wall”

BTW

*Spoilers for Ballers…just kidding.  Fuck Ballers.*

Well, I hope y’all are happy.  Everyone was bitching and moaning about the dragons being unstoppable.  Well, you’ve gone and done it.  The White Walkers went and added an ace to their rotation at the deadline.  Now it’s 2 dragons vs 1 (not to mention the Night King has a rocket for an arm), and what already seemed like impossible odds are getting stacked even higher against the living. But fear not, for even as things looked bleak after this week’s devastating turn, the living still have one thing up their sleeve. No, not high quality banter – movement! Those warm-blooded fuckers just zip around the continent all day! Need a sprinter to the Wall? That’s 10 minutes. Raven going south? Give it half a ‘sode. Dragon needs to fly in to save the day? That’ll probably be a cool quarter-hour.  And boom!  You’ve now traveled like 400% farther than any of the ice zombies have in the past 3 seasons.  Look, I get the timeline being punted for more action and plot movement, but can I just be expected to believe that Euron can traverse the seas at will, or that Jon can run back and forth thousands of miles in a few episodes, and that Dany and Drogon can just instantly be any- WHO CARES MOTHER FUCKERS WE GONNA HAVE DRAGON ON DRAGON COMBAT *in two years* HOLY SHIT WOW OMG WOW!!!

ArSa
“Oh, have you come to stab me in the back?  That’s the only reason I think you’d have for walking behind me.”

Then, we come to the Stark girls.  And boy does Arya let Sansa have it.  Arya is absolutely right!  Fuckin’ Sansa, trying to betray her family!  Where does she get off? Arya would’ve never betrayed her family!  And sure, obviously Sansa didn’t want Ned and Robb to die, but she could’ve done something about it instead of sitting idly by!  It’s not like Arya just watched her father’s execution, and did nothing.  Nor did she get kidnapped by the Lannisters.  She deffo didn’t use the 3 Jaqen H’ghar executions to not kill Tywin, Cersei, Joffrey, Jaime, or even the Mountain.  And certainly, she didn’t intend on leaving her name behind to become a faceless assassin overseas, severing all ties to her family and her house.  Oh wait, that’s right, she totally did all of that.  But if you wanna threaten to cut off your sister’s face and make it a mask to do Sansa puppet shows with yourself, be my guest.  And why did you just hand Sansa the knife after threatening her? You think Arya left the room for dramatic effect and then walked back in and was like “actually, I need that, I’m gonna go kill some White Walkers”? I’m sure that knife will be useful at some crucial moment later for Sansa but shit, Valyrian Steel is at a premium right now! At least give it to Podrick, he might trip and hit something with it.

Meanwhile, beyond the Wall…

Jon:  Hey Jorah, you want your sword back?

Jorah:  My dad’s sword!  Wow, I haven’t seen that in-

Jon:  Yeah, he gave it to me, after I saved his life.  A wight was trying to kill him and I threw a lantern at it.

Jorah:  Quick thinking, I’m sure he was glad-

Jon:  I burned my hand half-off doing that.  But, that was nothing compared to coming back from the dead.

Jorah:  Not sure how that’s relevant, but-

Jon:  ‘Course your father was betrayed by his own people too.  I wasn’t there that time, because I was being held captive by the Wildlings.  But I later killed every person who betrayed him.

Jorah:  And I thank you for it!  Now if you could just-

Jon:  He changed the pommel to a wolf.  Said it was a gift or something.  Something about me having it forever because his son brought shame to his house.

Jorah:  I admit, I’ve made mistakes, but-

Jon:  But here, you have it.  I’m sure he would’ve forgiven you for selling people into slavery.  I’m surprised Dany did, since that’s like her whole thing.  She told me that while we were escalating the clear sexual tension we both have.

Jorah:  *sulks*

Jon:  I’ll just use these daggers against the White Walkers.  I’m one of the only people that’s killed one ever, and it was with that sword, but I’m sure you can do the same.  Sure, I’ve only fought with that sword for seven seasons, but I’m sure I’ll do great with these daggers.

Jorah:  Daggers killed you once.

Jon:  What?

Jorah:  I said, “keep the sword” emo dick.

And now to something I was gonna do last week, but it’s still been on my mind.  Here’s my ideal beyond-the-wall crew if I could choose any living character:

Core Four
Ah yes, the Core F- wait, get out of here Jorah!  No one wants your whiny leper ass in here!

1, 2, 3, and 4) Tormund, Jon, The Hound, and Gendry
Yeah, I’m not an idiot, they got most of this right.  Tormund is a great fighter, is used to the conditions, and is hands down the funniest character on the show right now.  Jon is basically batman at this point, complete with brooding and dead parents.  The Hound is the dour muscle always good for a one-liner.  And then there’s Gendry, the prodigal son, back from obscurity and ready for his starring turn.  Good core four right there.

5 and 6)  Brienne and Podrick
Brienne’s inclusion is obvious.  She’s the best fighter and her one-sided sexual tension with Tormund is possibly the best in-joke in the series.  Podrick’s been known to shine in big situations, and nothing is bigger than his dick this situation.

7) Bronn
Oh you gotta be fucking with me you put together a Suicide Squad that didn’t include Bronn?  That dude was made for this type of shit!  Why not?  Don’t tell me he’s too far away, mother fuckers are beaming-up-Scotty all over the fucking continent.  You could have literally just thrown him in the Eastwatch jail and have him been like “my last company behind bars was a lot more easy on the eyes!” and everyone would’ve been on board!  HBO fucked up.  Bronn is wasting away on a garbage team.

Quick Hits:

Oberyn Martell
RIP Season 4 – Season 4 Gone, but not forgotten.

1) Thinking of potential others to go beyond the wall made me feel bad Oberyn couldn’t be there.  And now I’m upset it didn’t happen.  He would’ve reminisced about killing the Mountain with the Hound, gone shot for shot with Thoros…hell…he probably would’ve fucked Tormund!

2) Tyrion:  You’ve been known to lose your temper…
Dany:  Name one time.
Tyrion:  When you burnt Dick-
Dany:  BITCH I’LL ROAST YOUR ASS TO GLASS AND USE YOUR LITTLE BOOTS AS PARCHMENT WEIGHTS!

3) Let’s re-imagine the scene where Edmure misses the boat before the Blackfish hits it, but this time it’s just Bronn missing shot after shot with the ballista before the Night King just hits the dragon with an ice spear.

4)  Jon:  Uncle Benjen!  I haven’t seen you in like 6 years!  We have so much to discuss!
Benjen:  No Jon, you need to ride to safety!
Jon:  Get on the back of the horse, and ride to safety with me!  There’s plenty of room and there are literally dozens of in universe examples of two people riding on a horse.
Benjen:  Nah

5) I like that everyone shits on Gendry.  It’s like they all silently agreed to not be the bitch of the group and chose the one that wouldn’t stop complaining and being weird.  Just like real life.  What, no, I’m not speaking from experience!

6) It’s good to see Littlefinger back to his usual ruses.  It was like seeing an old friend.  If that old friend was a borderline-pedophile that was plotting to murder a girl and take over the world.

7)  You think that wight that was oh-so-conveniently left standing after the White Walker died has an explanation?  Like did he just get lost?  “Shit, is that my White Walker?  Fuck, they all look the same.  Is that racist?  Whatever, I’ll just follow that one…fuck, that wasn’t him.  Where the fuck am I, and who are those- WHAT THE FUCK YOU PUT A BAG ON MY HEAD YOU SHIT BIRD!

8) Jon:  Thanks, Dany.

Dany:  WHAT DID YOU SAY YOU LITTLE BITCH?

Jon:  I’ll bend the knee.

Dany:  Have I mentioned how much I LOVE being called Dany? Best of all my 40 nicknames, frankly.

9) I don’t know what makes me more sad:  that Tormund isn’t going to see Brienne back in Winterfell, or that he and the Hound can’t spend a whole season just backpacking through Westeros bitching at each other.

10) Is it just me, or was it not super clear where the third dragon went after the battle?  I think it’d be great if the dragon was just gone until next season, when it comes out of nowhere and burns Cersei to ash.  Then, after it lands, it takes off it’s mask and Arya was really the dragon the whole time.

For the Watchers: Season 7 Episode 5 “Eastwatch”

Eastwatch

*Spoilers for Game of Thrones.  Also, if you are, or plan on, reading the books separately, there’s a slight spoiler for book 3 here as well.*

I haven’t been teased this bad since I shit my pants in the third grade.  Between Sam interrupting Gilly before a potentially huge reveal, Arya finding some planted dirt on Sansa, and the Eastwatch Boyz rolling into battle, this show has a shitload of potential energy in its collective pants…but none of it was converted.  Instead that seems like it will be delegated to this year’s stand in for Episode 9:  Episode 6.  Rather then start off just bashing an episode where nothing really happened (though the Tarly’s would probably take offense to that), let’s get right to next week’s battle.  Things look grim for the magnificent seven running face first into an army consisting of like every dead person ever.  For fun, let’s break down how likely they are to die, starting with the least likely:

EastJon.png
I can’t die, basically no one knows I’m a Targaryen yet!
1) Jon Snow

Right, so this dude could probably moonwalk naked into the white walkers covered in maple syrup and he’d still probably come out unscathed.  There’s a chance he dies only to get resurrected again (more on this later) but I’m not going to count that, since he’ll end the episode alive.

2) The Hound

The Hound is in a weird spot.  He doesn’t have much to live for, but the few things he does have are big.  There’s the chance he reunites with Arya (something that would be quite interesting) and there’s also the other theory that everyone has been clamoring for (speculative spoilers).  It makes the most sense that he stays alive to see the light of one or both of these things.

3) Jorah

Edit:  Right, so for the first 2 hours this post was up, I forgot about Jorah.  It doesn’t make any sense for him to get cured of Greyscale and then die.  It makes 0 sense.  But like…I can’t think of anything he still has to do, besides maybe get his dick kicked in by Lyanna Mormont.  So, he’s below the Hound.  Also, maybe undead Benjen Stark will convince him to take the Black.  But probably not, cause if Benjen shows up, he’s definitely dying or like reverse Weekend At Bernie’s-ing Cersei pretending to be a zombie.

4) Thoros of Myr

Everybody’s favorite drunk priest, Thoros of Myr has a couple things going for him.  He’s one of two people that has successfully resurrected someone.  And, he happens to be a talented fighter.  Hell, he gets mentioned in Season 1 by two-handed douchebag Jaime Lannister while talking to the dude he later stabs in the eye:

 

In the books, Thoros wins a melee tournament at King’s Landing, so he’s a pretty big deal, though he doesn’t look like much.  I like his odds as an under-the-radar pick to survive.

5) Gendry

GENDRY IS BACK BABAYYY! AND THE FIRST THING HE’S GONNA DO IS probably get himself killed. After all that rowing and smithing, dude can swing a hammer like a homeless nordic god. But, the main problem poor little Thor has had is wondering where he fits within the story at large. The Baratheons (even the fake ones) are all dead. Technically he could kinda sorta have a claim to the throne; if he got legitimized by his dead dad, and Cersei wanted to give up the throne, AND Dany just happened to stop fixating on getting everyone on their knees. All in all, I think he’ll stay alive. But it would be hilarious if he just popped in to close his storyline and then got fucking murdered immediately hahaha please kill me.

Beric
You gotta let the Wildcard do his thing.
6) Beric Dondarrion

WILDCARD BITCHES!  YEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!  Beric could literally go in any direction.  He’s the only one of this group that in the books is for real 100% dead (everyone else is either alive, missing, fake dead as part of an elaborate plot to find another missing character, or awaiting resurrection).  But the reasoning behind his death is something that presumably the show will never actually tackle, so he may be re-purposed here.  I think it’s likely we see Beric get killed.  It’s just a case of whether or not he gets resurrected, or if he uses some kinda voodoo to save someone else (like Jon), or whatever the fuck.

7) Davos Seaworth

Davos is a great character. He’s been a loyal friend to many a character since being introduced in Season 2. He’s gotten farther than he probably had any right doing, but here’s the thing; his usefulness is limited. Stannis is dead, Jon doesn’t NEED him, and he just brought Gendry back to the fold. I can see him sacrificing himself for Jon or Gendry and going out a hero. Fuck, that’s probably the only way I see him going out. Let’s hope he stays on making dumb jokes and giving terrible introductions, but the end looks nigh for the Onion Knight.

Edit: It’s been pointed out to me that Davos is NOT fighting beyond the Wall. But c’mon! He MIGHT just be running late!

8) Tormund Giantsbane

CLOSE YOUR EYES BRIENNE!  DON’T WATCH!  Man, Tormund is dope as shit, but that ginger bastard has death written all over him.  I can just see him getting himself into a classic “take-down-as-many-as-I-can-before-I-die” sequence while Jon watches him succumb with some poetic string symphony horseshit laid underneath.  You know what?  I hope he fucks up a giant.  Just gimme one giant, and I’ll be happy.  That fucker deserves it.

 

Meanwhile, in King’s Landing…

Davos:  So the usual bribe, then?

City Guard:  Yup, thanks a bunch.  Looks like we’ll be going now…

Tyrion:  HEY DAVOS!  YOU WOULDN’T BELIEVE WHAT JAIME SAID!

Davos:  Oh no…

Tyrion:  YOU KNOW MY BROTHER JAIME!  HE WAS ALL LIKE “YOU KILLED FATHER” AND I WAS LIKE “WHAAAAAAT”

City Guard:  What did he say?

Davos:  Uhh, can’t really hear it.  Sounds like gibberish to me.

Tyrion:  Oh man, Davos, you should’ve seen Jaime’s face, he was so surprised, I thought his other arm was gonna fall off.

City Guard:  Wait are you Tyrion Lannister?

Tyrion:  Who, me?  Nah, I’m just a random dwarf.

City Guard:  What’s your name?

Tyrion: That’s easy.  Uh…Cyrian Mannister.

City Guard:  Really?

Tyrion:  Bitches call me C-Mann.

City Guard:  Lol, that’s hilarious.  Where’d you get that scar?

Tyrion:  Eatin’ pussy.

City Guard:  THIS GUY’S A RIOT!

Davos:  Yeah, he’s caused a few…

Gendry:  Can we go now?

City Guard:  Oh shit, you’re 100% Robert Baratheon’s bastard son.

Davos:  Fuckin’ really?

Cersei
Also, if being inbred weren’t enough, this potential kid has an uphill battle against fetal alcohol syndrome.
Moving on, do we like legit think Cersei is pregnant?  Far be it from me to question Qyburn’s expert opinion, but that’s a pretty quick turnaround, eh?  I know that the timeline of each episode seems loose, which creates situations like Euron sailing around an entire continent three times in a couple weeks, and Davos going from Dragonstone, to King’s Landing to the Wall all in one episode.  But Jaime and Cersei knocked incestuous boots only a few episodes ago.  Cersei certainly isn’t showing, and having an incest baby would probably put a damper on the entire realm wanting to be her friend.  Methinks Jaime got caught with the classic no-baby prank.  You gotta give it to her though, it’s a great prank.  I’ve haven’t seen a no-baby prank like that since the Red Wedding.

Quick Hits

littlefinger-creep
Thank god that plan worked, cause after that, it was a flash mob proposal, and the Wildlings do not listen to my choreography
1) Just when I thought Littlefinger couldn’t get any dumber, he goes and pulls a stunt like that…AND TOTALLY REDEEMS HIMSELF!

2) Seriously, Jon’s decision to randomly pet a dragon without knowing he’s secretly a Targaryen is one of the dumbest things I’ve seen on this show.  And I’ve seen Ned Stark trust Littlefinger.

3) Gilly:  …so it turns out, Jon’s parents might’ve actually gotten married, meaning he would be the true-

Sam:  OMG GILLY SHUT UP!  Everyone hates our plotline already.  Just forget literally everything you just said and let’s leave immediately.

4) I could watch an hour of Tormund just running down how he refers to everyone.  “Samwell Tarly?  Is he the lad with that blonde bombshell?  Or that old grumpy fucker in armor that’s always complaining about everything? Maybe that wispy prick I wouldn’t trust with my daughter?”

5) Theon:  Hey Dany, my sister is still-

Dany:  FUCK OFF THEON, JON SNOW WON’T BEND THE KNEE

6) I would LOVE to know how Tyrion got a hold of Bronn to set up a meeting.  I know Varys has an elaborate network of spies, but I’d like to think he just put a sock on the door or something for old times sake.

7) RIP Dickon Tarly.  I’ll always remember when you were recast with an actor I recognized to just be executed a few episodes later for no real purpose.  And that your name made Bronn laugh once.

8) Hey Sansa, Arya. Turns out Littlefinger has an elaborate plot to push you two further apart. He’s taking Sansa’s scroll out of context to infuriate Arya into thinking Sansa is a traitor. I know this because I am all-seeing. Also, Jon is a true-born Targaryen, and the rightful heir to the throne. -Bran, in a universe where he’s not the worst

Thanks for reading, rejoice in the world where Gendry is back and alive!  And pray that we still live in that world next week.

gendry.png
Praise be.

For the Watchers: Season 7 Episode 4 “The Spoils of War”

SpoW

*Spoilers for everything*

Quick Disclaimer:  I have not (and will not) look up any of the leaked spoilers for the end of this season.  Any predictions or speculation on my part are just that, and not from some spoiler-related knowledge.  Please know that this blog is a safe space for everyone who is caught up to the current episode, and even if I were to learn of spoilers to this (or next) season, I would not share them here.

BlackSails
Seriously, just go watch Black Sails.  I’ll wait.

 

Welp, we’re already over halfway done with the season (by episode count), and it’s not slowing down anytime soon.  This week we received a Hardhome-esque impromptu battle that proved exactly how shitty it is to fight a dragon.  To no ones surprise, dragons live up to expectations and basically eviscerate everything in their path, including the mighty ballista that shoots one large arrow while the person shooting it is almost certainly dead unless they still have a storyline to tell.  The biggest upset of the night was probably that nobody died.  Like look at Bronn!  This dude is literally too funny to kill off yet.  Cause that’s the only explanation I have for why he’s standing today.  I’m also surprised Dickon Tarly survived, especially after hearing his sob story about how hard war is.  Poor Dickon.  Billy Bones from Black Sails would’ve had none of that shit.  Seriously.  Please go watch Black Sails.

Also this week, we finally got the Stark reunion everyone was waiting for, even if Sansa must be thinking she’s been taking crazy pills.  Think of this:  You’re Sansa.  You’ve spent the last six seasons watching traumatic thing after traumatic thing happen to you.  Your dog got killed because your sister’s dog bit the dude you had a crush on.   Then it turns out that dude is a major sadist who executed your dad in front of you while also beating you and threatening to kill you multiple times.  You are under threat of imminent death during the Battle of Blackwater, which results in the family holding you hostage (and responsible for all your troubles) winning.  You get forced to marry into said family, right before they massacre your house’s forces including your brother and mom.  You escape, only to be sold to a somehow even worse sadist that does unspeakable things to you.  When you finally escape that you barely survive and still have to overcome enduring a major battle where your family’s forces barely survive.  And somehow, after all that, YOU ARE THE WELL ADJUSTED MEMBER OF THAT FAMILY.  Not only that, everyone else in your family basically got super powers, and you’re stuck in middle management.  I’m not gonna blame her when she goes evil in three weeks.

Meanwhile, in that area that’s about to be fucked up by a dragon…

Bronn:  You don’t pay me enough.

Jaime:  Here’s a bag of gold.

Bronn:  I want that huge castle.

Jaime:  You don’t want that.

Bronn:  Yeah I do.

*Thousands of Dothraki and a dragon suddenly appear, and are pretty ticked off*

Jaime:  Hey, let’s take these guys.

Bronn:  No way you fucking idiot, let’s leave.

Jaime:  We could do that, or you could fire that huge arrow thing at a literal flying dinosaur that shoots fire.

Bronn:  Aight, but I better not drop the gold I was just complaining about.

*Bronn drops all his gold*

Bronn:  Motherfucker.

*Bronn methodically kills a bunch of dudes, gets on a giant crossbow he’s presumably never used, aims it, and hits the dragon in the shoulder*

Bronn:  Fuck yeah.

*The dragon is barely phased by this and shoots fire at Bronn*

Bronn:  Motherfucker.

*Bronn looks and sees Jaime, who’s clearly seen all this shit, looking at the dragon*

Bronn:  Fuck you dickhead, let’s leave now.

*Jaime takes a spear and starts heading right for the dragon*

Bronn:  Motherfucker.

*Bronn dives and saves Jaime, presumably pulling him from the sea*

Bronn:  I want that fucking castle.

Jaime:  How about two bags of gold?

Bronn:

Bronn

Now, it’s time to play “What’s Littlefinger Up To?”!  Get your bet slips ready, cause we’re about to figure out what Game of Thrones is doing spending at least a few minutes on Littlefinger each week without any idea of a plan past “One day Sansa will love me.”  Tonight’s best predictions are as follows, which will you choose?

  1. Littlefinger is waiting for Sansa to snap.  Once she fully embraces the Dark Side, she will see that he is the ultimate partner and confidant and they will rule together.  This process is to be accelerated by continuously putting more Starks near her so she gets overwhelmed by incompetence and bad decisions.
  2. Littlefinger gave Bran the dagger so he could give it to Arya.  Then Arya is going to use that to kill Cersei.  With Cersei dead, Jon will marry Dany, and be king and queen.  When that happens, he can kill Dany and Jon, and then, since he’s married to Sansa at that point, succession will pass to her.  I think.  He didn’t work that part out yet.
  3. Littlefinger can’t find his way out of Winterfell.  He’s been stuck in the castle for months now, and doesn’t know how to get down from the balcony.  He can make it to the crypts, but he can’t seem to find a way to the courtyard.  He wants to ask for help, but at this point it would just be embarrassing.
  4. Littlefinger is waiting for Sansa to remarry.  During the wedding ceremony, he’s planned a big, romantic gesture where he speaks up during the “speak now or forever hold your peace” part of the ceremony.  He later realizes his fatal flaw that Westerosi weddings don’t have that part of the ceremony and he’s actually just a huge idiot.
  5. Littlefinger captures Sansa, and brings her to King’s Landing.  After being formally presented to the Queen, Sansa and Littlefinger meet privately with Cersei where Cersei mocks Sansa while she’s preparing to kill her.  Suddenly, with a stunning level of grace, Littlefinger stabs Cersei in the heart.  Littlefinger rips off his face to reveal Arya Stark and while everyone goes apeshit over Arya killing Cersei everyone forgets how Game of Thrones ruined one of their most intriguing villains by writing him into a corner and making him a plot device.
Meera
I’m gonna kick you in your cripple dick so hard you’re going to choke on it.

Quick Hits:

1) Bran:  I’m the Three-Eyed Raven.

Arya:  I’m a faceless assassin.

Jon:  I got some weird glass and I’m gonna bang my aunt.

Sansa:  I’M GOING TO BE QUEEN OF THIS FUCKING ICEBERG IF IT’S THE LAST THING I DO YOU WEIRDO FUCKS

2) I’ve never felt so connected to a character as I did with Meera Reed just exasperatedly exclaiming “THAT’S IT?” to Bran this week.

3) Jon:  Follow me into this cave!

Dany:  Why?

Jon:  This is basically the only move I know.

4) I demand an alternate version of Game of Thrones where Gendry is in charge of Euron’s ships and he gets so lost he accidentally takes over Meereen.

5) Davos:  Hey gorgeous, how’s it hanging?

Missandei:  Hopefully not at all.

Davos:  Wait, what?

6) They shouldn’t have bothered to cast Randyll Tarly when I’m sure they could just use the dude that played Roose Bolton and no one would notice.

7)  Theon:  Hey Jon.

Jon:  I’m gonna rip your throat out and shove it into the hole where your dick used to be if you ever fuck with me again.

Theon:  Nice to see you too bro.

8) Those two guards remembered the names of Rodrik Cassel and Maester Luwin longer than most people who have watched the show.

9) Cersei:  I wanna hire sellsword companies from Essos to beat Dany.

Iron Bank Dude:  Okay, but I should let you know that one of them is probaly being run by her ex-boyfriend, and that seems like it would be a major conflict of interest if-

Cersei:  Don’t care, just buy them.

10) Podrick to Brienne:

-At-Least-You-Tried

That’s all for this week, stay spoiler free, and remember, I cannot stress this enough, watch Black Sails.

For the Watchers: Season 7 Episode 3 “The Queen’s Justice”

Jon Tyrion

*You already know I’m gonna spoil everything*

Story arcs are named traditionally due to rising and falling action.  The levels of intensity build until a climax, at which point everything dies down.  However, the term could easily be mistaken within a long form storytelling standpoint to mean the ups and downs a character or faction face during the story.  Such is life on Game of Thrones.  Last week, for 45 minutes or so, everything looked peachy.  Dany had all the strength in the world, Jon Snow had just found out about the dragon glass on Dragonstone, and hundreds of years of there being no cure for advanced Greyscale were wiped out by Sam having the bright idea to use gloves while removing it.  But this being Game of Thrones meant everything was going to go downhill.  Sure enough, just about every ally Dany has is now dead, captured, or trapped.  And she can’t use her dragons because that would end the show early it’s too dangerous for her to go into battle.  On the bright side, this means some good things should start happening!  Like Jon getting new weapons for his army, Theon redeeming himself, and Arya finally finding someone that loves her that doesn’t die or run away from her immediately.

WingDavos
“I saw his dick once.  Had a nice girth.”

Speaking of Jon and Dany, they met each other for the first time in the series this week.  This is significant for many factors, but obviously the most important one is to determine whether or not they bang.  It’s weird cheering for an aunt and nephew to hook up, but that’s what a lot of people are doing right now.  Frankly, it would be pretty pedestrian for this show.  And let’s face it, it’s not like Jon Snow is off to a good start.  He made three critical errors right off the bat.  First, bringing Davos as a wingman did not work out.  Dude makes Bran look suave.  Second, he spoke way too long about zombies.  Believe me, I’ve been there.  Talking about what you would do during a zombie apocalypse when first meeting a girl is not the way to go.  Third, he refused to get on his knees for her.  That’s just not the Jon Snow I know.  The one I know seems to know a thing or two about getting his knees.

Meanwhile, in Winterfell…

Sansa:  Bran!  I’m so happy to have you back!

Bran:  I am not Bran.

Sansa:  Uh, what?

Bran:  I’m the Three Eyed Raven.

Sansa:  Bran, I know you had a lot of messed up shit happen to you, but you don’t need to make yourself into some fake emo persona.

Bran:  I can see everything.

Sansa:  Like what?

Bran:  I saw your wedding…

Sansa:  Uh….

Bran:  And your wedding night…

*Sansa makes that face you make when you drink tequila*

Bran:  That was pretty messed up.

Sansa:  YEAH THANKS FOR REMINDING ME YOU LITTLE SHIT

Bran:  You looked pretty.

Sansa:  OH MY GOD FUCK RIGHT OFF YOU SOFT DICK PSYCHO

Bran:  I’m sorry that happened to you.

Sansa:  Why don’t you just tell me what’s happening so we can be safe?!

Bran:  Why bother?  It has to happen anyway.

Sansa:  No it doesn’t!  Just tell me what’s going to happen!  Will the Night King come?  Is Littlefinger going to kidnap me?  Do Brienne and Tormund ever get together?

Bran:  I don’t know.

Sansa:  Why not?

Bran:  No one understands me.

Sansa:  I’m done.  Enjoy your bullshit face tree.

*Sansa leaves*

Bran:  Oh and Jon’s a Targaryen.

Olenna
“I’d ask for you to lend me a hand, but then you couldn’t jerk off.”

Quickly, a farewell to one of my favorite characters.  No, not Tyene Sand’s tits (RIP)!  Olenna Tyrell was one of the best people to pop up in a scene.  Anytime she was on camera, I always got jacked up.  Probably the only character that could absolutely guarantee that a good line was coming.  Forever throwing shade and crushing one-liners, Olenna went out like everyone would’ve expected, getting the last line and the last laugh.  Thank you Olenna.  You always hated everyone the most.

Quick Hits:

1) Davos might not be a great wingman, but he can still spit game at Missandei.  Then again, he’s losing out there to a dude with no dick, so maybe that’s not a W.

2) So Sam wanted a reward for saving Jorah.  I’d say rewriting some books is a huge reward when you were cleaning up shit and cutting flesh off a leper.

3) Melisandre: You’re going to die in Westeros.
Varys:  *running away* DANY!  THEY MADE PEOPLE SLAVES AGAIN I GOTTA LEAVE THE CONTINENT RIGHT NOW!

4) I like to think that Bran isn’t devoid of social skills, but instead his actor is just got so fed up with how bad his character was, he refused to act this season.

5) Jon Snow:  “She eying me like White Walkers don’t exist./Girl, I know you want this di-“

6) I don’t know why Cersei doesn’t want to marry Euron right now.  Dude can evidently be anywhere just about instantly.

7) Dany:  Do you believe the White Walkers are real?
Tyrion:  I trust him.
Dany:  And did Davos say he took a knife in the heart?
Tyrion:  Well, he’s obviously lying, that’s crazy.

8) Jaime: I figured we poison you.
Olenna:  Oh cool.  I was gonna go out like Tommen, but might as well go out like your other two kids.

That’s all for this week, hopefully we can look forward to some happier times ahead, but knowing this show they’ll probably just kill Bronn and look at the camera and yell “Fuck you.”  Enjoy your week until then!

For the Watchers: Season 7 Episode 2 “Stormborn”

got_7-2_stormborn

*Spoilers for this episode of Game of Thrones*

Eury
Look at me!  I’m fucking crazy!  Right?  You get that?  Do I need to flay something?

With the condensed seven episode season, I was anticipating more action to come hard and fast.  And it certainly did.  We had our first “named” deaths of the season.  I put name in quotes because I bet over half of the viewers don’t know their real names.  Honestly, most will probably just refer to them as the two Sand Snakes that didn’t almost kill Bronn with the lethal combination of poison and making him get a boner.  But it was interesting that they were killed by Euron.  Considering there are very few named characters remaining, and even fewer with fighting prowess, taking out two just to make Euron look good speaks volumes.  Now, if Theon manages to kill him (instead of audtioning for the Greyjoy Diving Team), it’ll be an accomplishment.  Now it just depends on how sadistic and hated they can make Euron, who’s actor boasted he was going to make Ramsay look like “a little kid.”  Yeah…let’s hope he doesn’t have the chance to make good on that prediction.

Jroah
Oh god stop stop stop!  Go back to the poop montage!

Speaking of Ramsay, Samwell Tarly decided he’d up the ante on last week’s gross montage and just start flaying a puss infused leper!  At this point, I’m not invested enough in Jorah living for me to have to watch this diabolical shit.  Like, I get a paper cut at work and it just about ruins my day; this guy is getting infected flesh methodically flayed from his body.  And, not to mention, they did their best to ruin pies!  I see that transition, you dickbags!  Don’t you dare make me think about gobs of infected flesh while I munch down on a nice savory meat- I can’t fucking do this, I’m gagging already, let’s just do the fucking dialogue bit…

Meanwhile, in King’s Landing…

Cersei:  Dany is gonna straight murder everyone

Sam’s Dad:  Yeah, cool, but like, how do you propose we deal with her?

Cersei:  Duh, kill her.

Sam’s Dad:  But she has 3 dragons!

Qyburn:  I think I can be of some assistance…

Sam’s Dad:  You can kill dragons?

Qyburn:  Oh yes, you see, back when Aegon the conqueror took over Westeros, technology was very primitive.  These days we have many more masterpieces in the art of War.

Sam’s Dad:  Well, what do you suggest?  It’s not like we can just use a Ballista on a dragon!

Qyburn:  …A what?

Sam’s Dad:  A ballista.  You know, giant crossbow.  It’s for stationary targets, and it takes FOREVER to load and aim properly.  So what dark magic do you have in store for us?

*Pan out to see a large skeleton dragon head impaled on a bolt with what is clearly a Ballista under a sheet next to Qyburn*

Qyburn:  Well, we got that one dude that lit an entire BAY on fire with one arrow…

Moving on, Sansa’s finally getting a chance to rule (well, like kinda rule…more govern in absensia).  And I have to say, I’m very interested in seeing how Littlefinger pulls this off.  Like, dude should have no outs.  Game of Thrones has gone out of its way to make Sansa seem like a capable (though rash) leader.  It’s a bad look to make Littlefinger manipulate her into doing his bidding.  But, I mean did you see how happy he was when Jon said Sansa was in charge?  Dude looked like he opened up his lunchbox and found a Lunchables.  I can’t imagine this will go well, but when Tyrion told Dany she didn’t want to “rule the ashes”, it echoed a much more harrowing description of Littlefinger earlier in the series:

Get your popcorn ready…it’s gonna be wild one.

Quick Hits:

1) “Nymeria!  Remember me!  It’s your good friend Arya!  You know, the one you last saw six years ago that was hurling large stones at your face!  We’re best friends!”

Nym
Sorry, Nymeria isn’t here right now.  Please leave your name and favorite rock you broke my heart with after the beep.

2) While overshadowed by the pie transition, I was a huge fan of the hard transition between Missandei reaching orgasm into Sam getting a book.

3) For someone who very much wants to convince the people of Westeros to love her, Dany threatens to light an awful lot of people on fire…

4) Speaking of lighting people on fire, I can’t wait for Jon and Davos to get to Dany and Melisandre opens the door for them and they’re just like “Oh for fuck’s sake”

5) Littlefinger:  I wanted to fuck your dead fake mom almost as much as I want to fuck your sister.
Jon: *chokes Littlefinger*
Littlefinger:  Was it something I said?

6) I also like to picture a Game of Thrones afterlife where the Sand Snakes stumble in one after another while Doran just uncontrollably laughs and Oberyn is just angrily paying him out in afterlife bucks.

7) Fun fact, the kid playing Randyll’s son and Sam’s brother is the guy who played Billy Bones on Black Sails.  I don’t have a joke for this, you should just really fucking watch Black Sails if you like Game of Thrones.

8) I need a Theon jumping out of the boat Shooting Stars meme and I need it yesteraday.  (If you’re unaware of this meme, here’s my favorite so far.)

9) For what it’s worth, I like Sam’s style.  Everyone else would’ve offered Jorah Milk of the Poppy.  Not Sam.  Just tells him to chug rum and takes a swig himself right before surgery.  Put that kid in, he’s ready for the big leagues.

10) Good to see Hot Pie back to his awkward self.  He’s like if Dustin from Stranger Things grew up and got teleported to Westeros and just had to make the best of it.

11) Davos: Jon, a raven from Dragonstone…
Jon:  What’s it say?
Davos:  “Jon, it’s ya boy Tyrion, remember when I pissed off the Wall?  LOL.  Good times.  Anyway, Dragon Queen wants you.  Fire emoji, fire emoji, fire emoji.”
Jon:  Yes, that’s definitely him, let us leave at once.

That’s it for this week, tune in next week when I’m guessing Sam will probably perform literally the only thing that would make me cringe harder:  a tracheotomy while listening to country music.

For the Watchers: Season 7 Episode 1

game-thrones-7x01-dragonstone

*Spoilers for Game of Thrones S7E1*

Game of Thrones doesn’t have a lot of cold opens.  Up until last night, they’ve only had 5.  The last one was the reveal of the Hound’s return, which was a pretty big fucking deal.  So, my first reaction to there being a cold open last night was pretty hype.  Until I saw Walder Frey.  Then I was confused.  Then, before he uttered a word, I got really, really excited.  This right here is the exact reason why Arya Stark is probably the best character on Game of Thrones right now.  She just drops 50 jabronies outta nowhere and it’s on to Cincinnati.   Or, more accurately, on to King’s Landing.  Man would I hate to be some two-bit character in King’s Landing right now.  Keep your eyes on Qyburn, folks.

HBOs-Game-of-Thrones-Season-7-Episode-1-Dragonstone-Bella-Ramsey-as-Lyanna-Mormont
Still #1 on the ball busting scoreboard

In the North, Jon and Sansa begin to figure out how to best consume the shit sandwich that is being them stuck between the White Walkers and King’s Landing.  Jon’s going about normal Stark dumbass shit, while Sansa is taking a note from Lyanna Mormont and proceeding to run out of fucks to give.  Like she was telling Jon to toss two kids out into the cold of winter.  TO THEIR FACES!  Straight ruthless.  And I loved her calling out Jon for needing to be smarter than Ned and Robb.  It was fantastic.  I don’t have a joke for it or anything, it’s just great to hear the show acknowledge that the Starks are super dumb.  And Sansa cutting off Littlefinger?  Oh man, she was en fuego in this episode.  And somehow still second place to Lyanna Mormont, who got right back to calling out every mother fucker that has the audacity to believe a little girl can’t inhabit your nightmares.

Meanwhile, At the Wall…

Edd:  Right, so you guys are Wildlings, then?

Meera:  Nope, I’m Meera Reed.  I’m from the North, and this is Bran Stark.

Edd:  How do I know you’re Bran Stark?

Bran:  You were at the Fist of the First Men…

Edd:  Yeah, sure okay, but that doesn’t mean-

Bran:  …and you were at Hardhome…

Edd:  Okay, we get it, you’re creepy, but how-

Bran:  …you’ve seen the Night King…

Edd:  Yup, scary dude, now please tell me how-

Bran:  …you’ve seen the army of the dead, you know what we’re up against.

Edd:  HOW DOES ANY OF THIS PROVE YOU’RE JON’S BROTHER YOU LITTLE SHIT

got7.1sam
That right there is the look of a man with PTSD.  Post Traumatic Shit Disorder.

Have to admit, I wasn’t expecting to see Sam in the premiere.  He just didn’t seem like someone who they’d care about enough to hit right away.  Though it seems like they don’t give a shit about his actor, since he got the worst end of a dookie montage.  I think they had too much fun filming those or they spent too much money on prop dookies, cause it went on a while.  I’d also guess there’s a 30% chance the director for-real shit into one of those chamber pots just to be a dick.  I guess they didn’t have many other options, since everyone is kinda together now, but there must’ve been something better than watching Sam clean up literal shit for five minutes.  How about Yara and her men telling Theon their best dick jokes?  Or the Sand Snakes having a fashion show with judge Olenna just eviscerating them at every turn?  Or Hot Pie just talking Gendry’s ear off while they both make pies?  Nah, more dookies?  Okay, nevermind.

euron
Guys, its me!  Uncle Euron!  I’m here to fuck all your shit up and bust chops!

Quick Hits:

  1. Hey Jorah, how about keeping your extremely contagious arms inside the aircraft, huh?  When I get the flu, I don’t go around hocking loogies at people.
  2. I was thinking Arya would’ve killed those Lannister guys, but I would’ve been distracted by Ed Sheeran singing to me too.
  3. Where was this fun Uncle Euron before?  I’m used to the Euron that kills forgotten characters and wastes my time at critical parts of the season; not the one cracking wise at Jaime Lannister.  I like him!  It’ll be great to watch him die horribly in two weeks or so!
  4. Was I the only one that kept looking for the Wall in the fire?  Like they kept doing close ups and it felt like I was fucking up a Magic-Eye.
  5. Archmaester:  “The Wall has stood for thousands of years, it’s not going down now!”
    *cut to the Wall*
    White Walker:  “Uh sir, you’re not gonna like this…”
    Night King: “What is it?”
    White Walker:  “It seems that huge ice wall is still here…”
    Night King: “WHAT? STILL?  Ugh fine, everybody pack up, we gotta wait another thousand years…”
  6. I’d love a road trip between Podrick and Tormund where they give each other sword fighting advice.  You get me.
  7. I was honestly wondering when Jim Broadbent was gonna wind up in Game of Thrones, because it seems like the longer a British series goes on, the more likely it is that he’ll inevitably show up.  And somehow, he’s always telling people to stay out of restricted areas of libraries.
  8. Dany:  “Shall we begin?”
    Tyrion:  “Uh yeah, there’s three dead babies in jars in your room…should we just like toss them out?”

    JarBaby
    Seriously…not the best mood setter.

That’s all I got, tune in next week where hopefully we get Dany starting her invasion and no more of Sam literally cleaning up shit!