*Spoilers through this episode of Game of Thrones*

All the chatter I’ve heard over this episode is pretty divisive.  I’ve heard people call it the best episode of Game of Thrones and I’ve heard others call it straight up bad.  I’ve heard people complain that they couldn’t see anything because of the darkness, and I’ve heard others say it increased the dramatic tension.  I’ve heard some people say there weren’t enough deaths and I’ve heard other people say not enough Brans died.  Okay, that last one was mostly me.  In the end, I’m personally just glad that the Ice Zombies are done and dusted.  Now we’re on to King’s Landing for what might be a triple-threat match for the Iron Throne.  While, currently, Dany and the North remain aligned, the next episode will be a big deal for them.  There’s multiple people that can be swayed to each side, and the fact that we get this kind of political intrigue instead of watching a bunch of frozen fucking dead dudes just ravage everything is just so goddamn satisfying.  Thank you, Arya, for giving me my last season back.  I always hoped Westeros’ favorite baby-faced assassin would get to play a prominent role, but I never thought it would be the MOST prominent role.  She fucking saved the entire world.  She told the haters and that twerp the God of Death where to stick it.  And it was with the pointy end. 

Now, onto another big division, which was, well, the lack of deaths.  It seemed like many expected this episode to be a bloodbath.  And when it came down to it, the side of the living only had 6 named deaths.  And of those 6, only 3 see their names in the opening credits (Jorah, Theon, and the recently returned Melisandre).  Last week, out of the 11 predictions I made, only 3 of the people I spoke about had a greater than zero chance to die.  Of those 3, two did die (Jorah and Theon) while the other – Bran – stayed alive…well, like, however alive his witchy ass is these days.  But, even still, I’d still say I was wildly off. As I alluded to within the blog, I expected a ton of lesser names to die.  I mean, look at the classic signs!  Grey Worm and Missandei both talked about their retirement.  Survived.  Davos talked about how many battles he’s already lived through.  Survived.  Gendry and Arya fucking boned!  Survived.  I should’ve expected the rules of normal conventional storytelling don’t apply to Game of Thrones since they lopped off their main character’s head at the end of Season 1.  Look, I’m happy those people all survived, along with Podrick and Tormund.  Fucking unbelievable.  But to only kill Beric, Lyanna, and Edd seemed weak.  Though, I guess there’s still a lot of time left in the show, and plenty of more potentials deaths.  Still, I’d advise no more retirement plans or fornication until the show is over, just to be safe.  You especially, Podrick, keep that damn hammer in your pants!

Meanwhile, in the crypts…

Tyrion:  Gods, I should be up there!  This is ridiculous…

Sansa:  Tyrion, you’d get bodied, calm down and stay here.

Varys:  Yeah, Tyrion, its fine, just stay down here.

Tyrion:  Wait, why the fuck are you down here?

Varys:  Beg your pardon?

Tyrion:  Why is everyone else out there while you’re in here?

Varys:  Well, I’m not much of a fighter, so I came in with the women and the children.

Sansa:  Lyanna is both and she’s out there.

Varys:  Yeah, but, like, I have no dick…

Missandei:  Neither does Grey Worm.

Sansa:  Or Theon.

Varys:  I’m scared to fight!

Gilly:  So is Sam, and that bumbling sack of wet naps killed a White Walker.

Varys:  I’ve never killed anyone!

Tyrion:  You killed-

Varys:  Only in the books!

Tyrion:  Oh, for fuck’s sake.

Varys: What do you want me to do, snitch on the Night King?

Tyrion: …actually yeah, you got anything?

Varys:  He’s actually self-conscious about his height.

Tyrion: …

Before we go to quick hits, I’d like to touch upon the big deaths.  Theon and Jorah, both of whom had 8 seasons of storylines that came to a compelling close on Sunday, both went out in style, defending what their honor demanded.  Theon, finally atoning for taking Winterfell form Bran in Season 2, gave his life moronically bravely charging the fucking Night King before getting swiftly dispatched.  Though, honestly…I know Theon was never a noteworthy fighter, but pretty shitty to go out losing a spear vs sword matchup at mid-range.  Also, Jorah, after leading a charge at death itself, managed to use his last breaths defending Dany from a horde basically single-handed.  Dany had to put in a few weak-ass stabs because Drogon got his ass swarmed with wights like a bunch of angry remora on a whale shark (sorry, I’ve been watching a lot of David Attenborough ocean documentaries lately).  I always had a soft spot for Jorah, Lord Commander of the Friend-Zone, but he had some great scenes in the first season, and really came into his own with the bantering with Tyrion (still one of my favorite scenes) and his undying commitment to Dany.  And lastly, Melisandre, who really was a character I didn’t have any real care for (which is shocking for a red head), but she turned out to be a hugely impactful character within this series.  Admittedly she had one of the grossest child birth scenes in TV history and burned a child alive, but like, woo!  Sexy fire magic!

Quick Hits:

1) You know a part of Jon Snow thought he scared that dragon to death.  He was probably walking around all cocksure like he saved the day before he saw Arya over that pile of ice.

2) Overall, bad night for Jon Snow.  Dude just rode a dragon like shit, almost got smoked like 10 times, and then got bailed out by his sister.  Dany probably wishing she didn’t friend-zone Jorah right about now…

3) Jorah:  I’ll lead the Dothraki charge to break their lines and destroy the Night King!
Dany:  And if that does not work, I shall ride Drogon and have him breathe fire on the Night King!
Jon:  And if that does not work I will lure the Night King to Bran and destroy him with my Valyrian steel sword.
Bran:  And I’ll send birds after him.
Jon:  What…what’s that gonna do?
Bran:  Oh, he’s gonna be so pissed.

4) I’d like to quickly pour a couple out for the other dead.  Lyanna Mormont was a fucking beast in every scene she was in, and this was no different; absolutely legendary way to go out.  Edd was made into quite a nice little character slowly but surely from Season 2 on.  I figured he’d be going out in this episode, but his death still stung.  Beric I thought I could care less about, but at least they made his death plot relevant, which was a nice touch.

5) Curious to see what happens to Sam now…like there doesn’t need to be a Night’s Watch.  And Jorah doesn’t need his sword.  So like can he go be mayor of Tarlytown?  Dany can be like “Hey Sam, here’s the Reach, sorry I cooked your family medium-well.”

6) Arya with that Julian Edelman adjustment. Not crazy to say that the Night King blew a Falcons’-esque lead.

The next three episodes are now seemingly taking shape, with a few big questions remaining.  Does Daenerys have enough strength left to take the Iron Throne?  What will she do about the North?  What sides will Jon, Tyrion, and Jaime ultimately pick?  So many questions that we finally will get answered in the coming weeks, and I can’t wait!

*Spoilers for Game of Thrones through this episode*

This episode was a delight for the longtime viewers of Game of Thrones.  We rarely see anyone relaxing in this show, and with a season jam-packed with action to come, it was a breath of fresh air to take one last look at the path we took to get here.  I don’t have a ton to say about it, cause it mostly speaks for itself and there weren’t a lot of plot relevant details (besides the little chestnut of Jon telling Dany he’s the real heir to the Iron Throne BUT ANYWAY).  So instead, lets take a moment to predict how each major player will fare in next week’s battle, while taking some time to relive some of the best deaths over the course of the show:

**A quick warning: I speculate on the characters’ chances of survival of the next episode (with no insider knowledge)…but if you want remain completely blind to any speculation, please steer clear of the next section.**

Jon Snow

Guys, its Jon Snow.  He might not be the tallest guy that’s fucked Dany, but he can swing a sword.  He’s gonna be riding a dragon during the battle, and then a dragon is gonna be riding him after the battle.
Chances of death: 0 Karl head stabs out of 5

Daenerys Targaryen

I mean she might lose a dragon, but her plot armor is still too thick to catch the big L in the sky this early in the season.
Chances of death: 0 Dracarys out of 5

Tyrion Lannister

There’ll probably be a tense moment where he almost dies, but I don’t think he’s quite done.  Feels like he needs one more confrontation with Cersei…
Chances of death: 1 potty-time pot shots out of 5

Jaime Lannister

Biggest hand on the chopping block…Jaime checks a couple of marks with his redemption arc damn near complete and his having only one hand.  On the other, golden hand though, Bronn has been hired to kill him and chances are Bronn won’t be here for this episode…so by order of Checkov’s assassin…I give him:
Chances of death: 2 off-hand eye stabs out of 5

Sansa Stark

Sansa’s not fighting, so that’s a plus, but more than likely the dead are going to breach the walls, so I’d certainly say its possible she’s in the crosshairs.  Plus, she’s a Stark for god’s sake, it’s a miracle she’s alive right now anyway.
Chances of death: 2 hungry hungry puppies out of 5

Arya Stark

Arya in a battle sequence is going to be weird.  Sure, she’s killed a ton of people before, but we’re talking about assassinations.  That being said, she can obviously throw a dragon glass dagger on a frozen rope, so if someone’s gonna destroy the Death Star with one shot in the Godswood, it’s probably her.
Chances of death: 2 fine little blades that I can pick my teeth with out of 5

Bran Stark

Fuck Game of Thrones for making Bran the funniest character.  It fucking pains me.  This kid super fucking sucked for 6 seasons (remember when he was just gone for all of season 5?) and now he’s a one-liner machine.  Well, on the plus side, he’s probably a gonna eat shit next episode.  And since he hasn’t really killed anyone on purpose, his death clip will be someone’s death that he caused:

Chances of death: 4 HOLD THE DOOR HOLD DOOR HOLDOR HODORs out of 5

Meanwhile, in Winterfell…

Sam:  Do you think we’re gonna survive the night?

Grey Worm:  I have confidence that we will not fail.

Davos: I haven’t died so far, no reason to believe I’ll start now.

Sam:  Yeah, but that’s a logical fallacy…

Davos:  What the fook is-

Tormund: Boys, the best way to live past this battle is to have a reason to live on the other side!  Fat crow, what’s your plans after this battle?

Sam:  Well, I assume Gilly and I will return to Castle Black to-

Tormund:  Dead.  Davos?

Davos:  Well, I’m sure Jon will need advisors after-

Tormund:  DEAD.  Next?

Grey Worm:  Missandei and I will go south to-

Tormund:  FOR FUCKS SAKE YOU’RE SO DEAD!

The Hound:  I’m going to kill my brother in one on one combat in a fight everyone will remember for the rest of their lives.

Tormund:  See, this guy’s gonna fucking make it.  Next?

Gendry: Well, considering I just-

Tormund:  Dead, the lot of ya! Fat eunuch, dead!  Sad crow, dead!  Sansa’s fat uncle, dead!  Patchy McFlame Sword, dead!  Anyone else?

Podrick:  I’ll probably stay under Ser Brienne…

*Tormund gets close*

*Tormund gets even closer*

Tormund: *with his lips basically touching Podrick’s ear*   Fuckin’ right.

Brienne of Tarth

Speaking of Brienne and reasons to live…I’m very worried about Brienne.  She’s done everything.  She returned the Stark girls, she’s been knighted, she’s reunited with Jaime…not much to keep living for.  Though she does have Jaime and Tormund willing to die for her, so hopefully she can squeak by.  Plus, she’s so fucking good with a sword, I’d like to see her in Dany’s Queensguard if it ends up like that.
Chances of death:  2 quick deaths? out of 5

Theon Greyjoy

Let’s see…tragic figure that’s only remaining duty is to protect what the entire army of the dead is targeting…yeah that’s a 10-4 good buddy.
Chances of death: 5 I could watch this death 100 times and still laugh out of 5

Jorah Mormont

Jorah’s got a Valyrian steel blade now, so I expect him to be quite active in the fight.  He also has a chance to protect Lyanna Mormont in battle, which feels like some good full circle character work.  Jorah actually strikes me as one of the only people (besides the obvious next one) that still has some reason to live afterwards.  He’s a trusted adviser and sword to Dany, and he could also follow his father’s footsteps (and dying wish) to live out his days on the Wall.  I don’t necessarily know what purpose the Wall would serve anymore, but like, convicts need to go somewhere, right?

Chances of death: 3 man, Jorah doesn’t have that many badass kills out of 5

The Hound

I don’t know if Winterfell will hold.  I don’t know how many inside its walls will die.  I do know one thing.  One way or another, the Hound is gonna end up at King’s Landing to fight his fucking brother once and for all.
Chances of death: 0 you’re shit at dying, you know that? out of 5

Quick Hits:

1) I would’ve loved for Tormund to try to sing a song that just immediately started with him saying the C-word only to get immediately cut off.

2) I like to picture a world where Arya is trying to kill White Walkers, but can’t because they refuse to say their names to her and she just storms off miffed.

3) Arya:  So, how was it for you?
Gendry:  Good.  Really good.
Arya:  Really good?  Even a smith’s apprentice can do better than really good.  What did I look like, what did I smell like, how did I-
Joe Dempsie:  All right, I think we’re done here.

4)  I hope Meera Reed is okay.  I live vicariously through her being over Bran’s bullshit and I’m glad she didn’t return to Winterfell, but I’m sad she’s not in this season.  It would be funny if Bran survived and she just came in during the aftermath and started kicking the shit out of him.

5) Speaking of Bran, Tyrion asks for his life story and it is presumably told…yet the next time we see Tyrion, he’s talking to Jaime?  With no comment about Bran’s story?  What?

6) Jon: My mother is Lyanna Stark, my father is Rhaegar Targaryen.
Dany:  OH MY GOD
Jon:  I know, it’s a lot to take in…
Dany:  I can’t fucking believe it!
Jon: Dany, it’s fine, we can share the Iron Throne, and we can…
Dany:  I SLEPT WITH MY FUCKING NEPHEW!
Jon:  Well, yeah, but like, that’s not really a problem for-
*Dany vomits all over the goddamn place*

Hope you enjoyed levity of this episode cause you’re gonna be bringing your tissues to the next one.  See you then!

 

*Spoilers for everything*

Quick Disclaimer:  I have not (and will not) look up any of the leaked spoilers for the end of this season.  Any predictions or speculation on my part are just that, and not from some spoiler-related knowledge.  Please know that this blog is a safe space for everyone who is caught up to the current episode, and even if I were to learn of spoilers to this (or next) season, I would not share them here.

 

Welp, we’re already over halfway done with the season (by episode count), and it’s not slowing down anytime soon.  This week we received a Hardhome-esque impromptu battle that proved exactly how shitty it is to fight a dragon.  To no ones surprise, dragons live up to expectations and basically eviscerate everything in their path, including the mighty ballista that shoots one large arrow while the person shooting it is almost certainly dead unless they still have a storyline to tell.  The biggest upset of the night was probably that nobody died.  Like look at Bronn!  This dude is literally too funny to kill off yet.  Cause that’s the only explanation I have for why he’s standing today.  I’m also surprised Dickon Tarly survived, especially after hearing his sob story about how hard war is.  Poor Dickon.  Billy Bones from Black Sails would’ve had none of that shit.  Seriously.  Please go watch Black Sails.

Also this week, we finally got the Stark reunion everyone was waiting for, even if Sansa must be thinking she’s been taking crazy pills.  Think of this:  You’re Sansa.  You’ve spent the last six seasons watching traumatic thing after traumatic thing happen to you.  Your dog got killed because your sister’s dog bit the dude you had a crush on.   Then it turns out that dude is a major sadist who executed your dad in front of you while also beating you and threatening to kill you multiple times.  You are under threat of imminent death during the Battle of Blackwater, which results in the family holding you hostage (and responsible for all your troubles) winning.  You get forced to marry into said family, right before they massacre your house’s forces including your brother and mom.  You escape, only to be sold to a somehow even worse sadist that does unspeakable things to you.  When you finally escape that you barely survive and still have to overcome enduring a major battle where your family’s forces barely survive.  And somehow, after all that, YOU ARE THE WELL ADJUSTED MEMBER OF THAT FAMILY.  Not only that, everyone else in your family basically got super powers, and you’re stuck in middle management.  I’m not gonna blame her when she goes evil in three weeks.

Meanwhile, in that area that’s about to be fucked up by a dragon…

Bronn:  You don’t pay me enough.

Jaime:  Here’s a bag of gold.

Bronn:  I want that huge castle.

Jaime:  You don’t want that.

Bronn:  Yeah I do.

*Thousands of Dothraki and a dragon suddenly appear, and are pretty ticked off*

Jaime:  Hey, let’s take these guys.

Bronn:  No way you fucking idiot, let’s leave.

Jaime:  We could do that, or you could fire that huge arrow thing at a literal flying dinosaur that shoots fire.

Bronn:  Aight, but I better not drop the gold I was just complaining about.

*Bronn drops all his gold*

Bronn:  Motherfucker.

*Bronn methodically kills a bunch of dudes, gets on a giant crossbow he’s presumably never used, aims it, and hits the dragon in the shoulder*

Bronn:  Fuck yeah.

*The dragon is barely phased by this and shoots fire at Bronn*

Bronn:  Motherfucker.

*Bronn looks and sees Jaime, who’s clearly seen all this shit, looking at the dragon*

Bronn:  Fuck you dickhead, let’s leave now.

*Jaime takes a spear and starts heading right for the dragon*

Bronn:  Motherfucker.

*Bronn dives and saves Jaime, presumably pulling him from the sea*

Bronn:  I want that fucking castle.

Jaime:  How about two bags of gold?

Bronn:

Now, it’s time to play “What’s Littlefinger Up To?”!  Get your bet slips ready, cause we’re about to figure out what Game of Thrones is doing spending at least a few minutes on Littlefinger each week without any idea of a plan past “One day Sansa will love me.”  Tonight’s best predictions are as follows, which will you choose?

1. Littlefinger is waiting for Sansa to snap.  Once she fully embraces the Dark Side, she will see that he is the ultimate partner and confidant and they will rule together.  This process is to be accelerated by continuously putting more Starks near her so she gets overwhelmed by incompetence and bad decisions.
2. Littlefinger gave Bran the dagger so he could give it to Arya.  Then Arya is going to use that to kill Cersei.  With Cersei dead, Jon will marry Dany, and be king and queen.  When that happens, he can kill Dany and Jon, and then, since he’s married to Sansa at that point, succession will pass to her.  I think.  He didn’t work that part out yet.
3. Littlefinger can’t find his way out of Winterfell.  He’s been stuck in the castle for months now, and doesn’t know how to get down from the balcony.  He can make it to the crypts, but he can’t seem to find a way to the courtyard.  He wants to ask for help, but at this point it would just be embarrassing.
4. Littlefinger is waiting for Sansa to remarry.  During the wedding ceremony, he’s planned a big, romantic gesture where he speaks up during the “speak now or forever hold your peace” part of the ceremony.  He later realizes his fatal flaw that Westerosi weddings don’t have that part of the ceremony and he’s actually just a huge idiot.
5. Littlefinger captures Sansa, and brings her to King’s Landing.  After being formally presented to the Queen, Sansa and Littlefinger meet privately with Cersei where Cersei mocks Sansa while she’s preparing to kill her.  Suddenly, with a stunning level of grace, Littlefinger stabs Cersei in the heart.  Littlefinger rips off his face to reveal Arya Stark and while everyone goes apeshit over Arya killing Cersei everyone forgets how Game of Thrones ruined one of their most intriguing villains by writing him into a corner and making him a plot device.

Quick Hits:

1) Bran:  I’m the Three-Eyed Raven.

Arya:  I’m a faceless assassin.

Jon:  I got some weird glass and I’m gonna bang my aunt.

Sansa:  I’M GOING TO BE QUEEN OF THIS FUCKING ICEBERG IF IT’S THE LAST THING I DO YOU WEIRDO FUCKS

2) I’ve never felt so connected to a character as I did with Meera Reed just exasperatedly exclaiming “THAT’S IT?” to Bran this week.

3) Jon:  Follow me into this cave!

Dany:  Why?

Jon:  This is basically the only move I know.

4) I demand an alternate version of Game of Thrones where Gendry is in charge of Euron’s ships and he gets so lost he accidentally takes over Meereen.

5) Davos:  Hey gorgeous, how’s it hanging?

Missandei:  Hopefully not at all.

Davos:  Wait, what?

6) They shouldn’t have bothered to cast Randyll Tarly when I’m sure they could just use the dude that played Roose Bolton and no one would notice.

7)  Theon:  Hey Jon.

Jon:  I’m gonna rip your throat out and shove it into the hole where your dick used to be if you ever fuck with me again.

Theon:  Nice to see you too bro.

8) Those two guards remembered the names of Rodrik Cassel and Maester Luwin longer than most people who have watched the show.

9) Cersei:  I wanna hire sellsword companies from Essos to beat Dany.

Iron Bank Dude:  Okay, but I should let you know that one of them is probaly being run by her ex-boyfriend, and that seems like it would be a major conflict of interest if-

Cersei:  Don’t care, just buy them.

10) Podrick to Brienne:

That’s all for this week, stay spoiler free, and remember, I cannot stress this enough, watch Black Sails.