(Spoilers for everything up to this episode of Game of Thrones)

Okay, so maybe last week was a bad time to point out that Game of Thrones was getting predictable.  Last night, after seasons of intrigue, suspense, and anticipation, Game of Thrones fans finally got to see one of the big moments they’ve been waiting for.  And somehow it didn’t involve Tyrion Fucking Lannister talking to Daenerys Fucking Targaryen.  Last year’s Episode 8 was probably the best episode in a ridiculously good season and began probably the best 3 episode run this show has ever had.  This season has been dull by comparison, but almost every stop in “Hardhome” was fantastic.  That being said, I have some qualms with the implications this episode highlighted.  I know this will make me sound like the Jebidiah Atkinson, but I’ll defend my thoughts.  So before we get to the top story, let’s do some quick hits through Essos and the Seven Kingdoms.

Arya finally got a target this week which is…better.  Seriously, this whole season has been a wash for Arya (Get it?  I hate myself.).  But, at least now she’ll get to kill somebody.  I’m rather shocked to say somehow Jaqen H’ghar turned into the worst screen partner Arya’s had so far (Quick rankings, 1) the Hound 2) Tywin 3) Syrio 4) Yoren 5) Gendry.  Honorable Mention to Jon Snow).  With all his mystery, his lack off assassinating really makes him seem much lamer.  Although, it seems his teachings are finally getting somewhere.  Turning Arya into someone else is a good start.  But we can’t forget who she is.  She still has that list of people she wants to murder.  Out of her whole list, she’s only personally killed Polliver.  Admittedly it’s hard for her to kill those people in Braavos.  Cersei’s in a cell in King’s Landing.  Walder Frey is safely in the plot purgatory that is the Riverlands.  The Mountain is unsafely with Qyburn where “the work continues.”  And Meryn Trant is on a boat with Mace Tyrell heading to the Iron Bank of…oh shit.  OH SHIT GUYS!  I hope the Meryn Trant fan club is well rested, cause that mofo is on a one-way train heading straight for the Bone Zone.  God, I love this show.

In other Stark news, Sansa found out she was getting Punk’d this whole time.  After constantly badgering the Artist Formerly Known as Theon, she finally got Reek to give up his juiciest secret, letting her know that her younger brothers are still alive…somewhere.  Sansa still has no idea where they are though, and even if she did, finding them wouldn’t really help their safety with the Boltons still in power.  But Bran is supposedly safe becoming a birdman north of the Wall, and Rickon should be (according to one throwaway line of dialogue) with House Umber, who you may remember all the way back from Season 1 as the house with the guy that laughed after his fingers got bit off by a giant fucking wolf.  So, you know, nothing to worry about there.  I’m not entirely sure what will happen with Sansa, but if Brienne does get through to her and they start traveling to find her brothers…wait no, I still won’t really give a shit.

Elsewhere in Winterfell we were teased with an intriguing plan from Ramsay Bolton to quell the incoming invasion of fire worshipers to the snowed-in castle.  Not knowing his intentions, I’m guessing it has to pass the Rule of Cool.  No way the ever-pragmatic Roose Bolton would let Ramsay spoil a sure victory unless it was so awesome that the TV audience couldn’t be denied (and let’s face it, sieges don’t make for good TV).  This is really the first time since Season 2 that Stannis and Co. are in any sort of danger.  It’s almost guaranteed heads will roll in the last two episodes, and very suddenly, Stannis, Shireen, and Ser Davos are all trickling towards the Bone Zone.

Quick note to the High Sparrow:  if you want Cersei to confess, you should’ve brought a bucket of wine.  That chick would’ve confessed to fucking Jaime on Robert’s dead corpse while worshiping the Lord of Light if she could suck down some Merlot.  I mean, look what she did for water.

After getting Jorah and his weepy, Dashboard Confessional ass out of Meereen, Tyrion delivered a spirited and galvanizing speech to Dany about how to rise up and take the Iron Throne for- wait, I’m sorry?  What?  He said to not go for the Iron Throne?  And stay in Essos forever?  That sound you hear is the collective groan of everyone who watched this show ever.  But, Tyrion does have a point.  The Targaryen’s were one of Seven noble houses.  When Robert’s Rebellion was in full swing, only two other Kingdoms were at their side:  the Tyrells and the Martells.  The Tyrell’s notoriously never join a losing effort, and the Martells would probably die before letting Rhaegar’s sister on the throne.  So, it seems that the Iron Throne would require quite a bit of force to take back…which is a good thing for Dany (and us viewers) when that force is three fucking goddamn dragons.

And now, a quick interlude at Castle Black:

Olly: Can I speak to you in private Sam?

Sam: Sure Olly, what is it this time…

Olly: Why is Jon freeing the Wildlings?  They killed my-

Sam: Oh, shut the fuck up already Olly, okay?  “They killed my parents and ate them. Wah wah wah.”  That’s what you sound like.  You think you’re the only one with dead parents, Olly?

Olly: No, but they’re evil!  They killed everyone I know!

Sam: Oh my Gods, can you go one line of dialogue without mentioning that?  They’re really not that bad.

Olly: You’re just saying that because you banged out with one.

Sam: Damn right.  You should welcome those Wildlings, maybe you’ll stop whining for a bit and bang out too.

Olly: I’m like 10.

Sam: That’s like 40 in Westeros, go to Mole’s Town and get that sorted out.

Olly: The Wildlings killed everyone in Mole’s Town…

Sam: SHUT THE FUCK UP, OLLY!

Moving on, Jon and Tormund ventured to Hardhome to meet with the Wildlings and save them from a much more imminent death than anticipated.  After a brief reunion where Tormund turned the Lord of Bones into the Lord of Broken Skull Fragments and Brain Matter, Jon attempted to convince some Wildlings that he was totes sorry and they should be BFFs for reals now.  Predictably they don’t take this well, especially since none of these Wildlings have met Jon Snow, and none of them have been seen before.  I mean, that one chick looks familiar.  Not sure if I’ve forgotten where I’ve seen her from OH MY GOD:

Unfortunately for her, singing covers of Fall Out Boy to the White Walkers doesn’t really go over well, as her and most of the Wildlings present get fucking dominated by ice zombies.  Obviously, this is a lot to talk about, so I’m going to break it down in 10 points.

1) So the White Walkers can seemingly unleash a fog that immediately turns everyone into screaming stabby skeletons?  Thank the Gods the fog’s weakness is 10 foot tall wooden gates.  Would be a shame if that would’ve acted like every other fog ever known and just gone through that clearly not air tight fence (considering they, you know, LOOKED THROUGH IT).

2) I’m pretty sure if I was a Wildling, I would’ve killed all the Thenns just on principle.  If there’s a chance you could eat me, you’re not allowed to be my neighbor.

3) FUCKING GIANTS YEAH!  FUCKING GIANTS YEAH!  FUCKING GIANTS YEAH!

4) The minute the German chick from Pitch Perfect 2 puts her kids on the boat, she’s a goner.  Human beings are so predictable.

5) Okay, are we just going to assume wights (the official name for the risen dead) play by most zombie rules and you just need to destroy the head?  Or was it just ambiguous in that giant fight?  Like, I thought only fire destroyed them?  I’m guessing all those zombie parts were probably still twitching around, but the camera just didn’t have time to show them.

6) Also, if that was Jon Snow’s sword, I guess Valyrian steel also kills White Walkers?  Given that off the top of my head, I can only think of three people with a Valyrian steel sword (Jon, Brienne, and I’m guessing Tommen has Joffrey’s), I’m not sure that’ll be super relevent…until Brienne and Sansa lead a charge to save Bran from the White Walkers!

7) When all those wights made like lemmings and spilled off the cliff, did you really think they were all dead, Jon?  I would’ve been halfway to that boat if I was them.  I also probably would’ve died way before that if I was them.

8) Seriously, I could watch a giant hit zombies with tree trunks all day.  And not to mention just walking across the fucking ocean when you’re done.  Who needs boats?  Fuck you, Gendry.

9) After the Night’s King dramatically raises all the dead into his army, isn’t it a little funny for them to cut back and see Jon’s boat like literally 50 feet away?  I think I’d have a little more urgency on getting my ass the hell out of there.

10) Edd Tollett survived that shit?  What an upset!  That has to be the biggest surprise survival of a minor character being in danger in the show right?  Like seriously, you probably already forgot his name, and I just mentioned it 3 sentences ago.  Kid’s got First Ranger written all over him the minute Alliser dies.

And now for my concerns.  I touched on the lack of villains in last week’s post, and obviously the White Walkers have been groomed to be the Big Bad of the series.  But my concerns lie with whether that is a good thing or not.  Before I get pelted with tomatoes, let’s get something straight.  Was that battle awesome?  You bet your ass it was.  Two or three years from now, when we’re watching HBO blow its entire budget on CGI dragons torching CGI White Walkers, will that be epic?  Yes, yes it will.  But does that make everything else irrelevant?  If I told you 2 seasons ago that Tyrion and Dany would meet in this episode, you’d think that was a momentous occasion.  Now, it feels like an afterthought.  Why do I care who the king is if the White Walkers are just going to wipe everyone out?  So what if Stannis or Littlefinger gain control of the North if there’s constant zombie attacks every episode?

The White Walkers are not cut from the cloth of the villains I like.  Their motivation remains mysterious.  You can’t say they’re brainless, since they clearly are intelligent and methodical.  So why take over Westeros?  When they bring winter all the way to Dorne, what then?  Just chill out and build some igloos?  The best villains in zombie movies/shows are rarely the zombies themselves, but the villains people become when faced with an apocalypse.  But, that’s clearly not what’s going on here, the zombies ARE the villains.  Hopefully they surprise me when their intentions and motivations are revealed, and I’ll happily fall in line with everyone else.

But clearly I’m just overthinking all this, as “Hardhome” was easily the most entertaining episode of this season.  And Episode 9 is next week.  Traditionally, it is usually the best or one of the best episodes of the season.  Here’s hoping this trend doesn’t end.

That mercifully wraps up my ramblings for the week, and remember: don’t try to kill Tyrion around Podrick, or he’ll stab you with his second most impressive spear.