Partnerships are the cornerstone of Game of Thrones. Whether they are based on love (Ned and Cat), oath (Jaime and Brienne), greed (the Hound and Arya), lucrative friendship (Tyrion and Bronn), or sadistic torture (Ramsay and Theon). With a fitting episode title in hand, we witness some clashes between some of the top teams and even rekindle some old partnerships. The House of Black and White felt like it hit a lot of similar beats as the first episode; some minor plot developments happened, but it was mostly just table setting. But now the table looks set, and we’re ready to start the meal. (Spoilers will begin after this point)
If Game of Thrones had a tag team championship, it would truly be up for grabs right now. With most of the top pairings of old now split up (Tyrion and Bronn, Brienne and Jaime, Arya and the Hound), we’re looking for a new go-to couple. And while Varys and Tyrion show promise, I’d say the likely runaway champion will be Jaime and Bronn. We saw a short bromance with them last year when Bronn taught Jaime how to fight with one hand. Now they’ll be making a (probably) season-long trek to Dorne. I really could care less if they get Myrcella back or not…it’s about the journey not the destination.
1) I’m the only one of my siblings that still has their brain in their skull.
2) I’m super sick and could die at any minute from disease or murder.
3) I’m pulling off this haircut.
In Dorne itself, we see a understandably discontent Ellaria Sand giving the business to her sort of brother-in-law Doran. It seems that Ellaria is pissed because Doran does not appear as upset that the Mountain used Oberyn’s head like a stressball on a really bad case of the Mondays. But Doran wishes to echo Oberyn’s promise of not hurting little girls in Dorne, and tells Ellaria and her daughters to stay away from Myrcella Lannister, Cersei and Jaime’s Robert’s only daughter. If Myrcella is to marry Doran’s son (as is the current arrangement), it would pull Dorne back into the royal family. However, this agreement was made to smooth over tensions back when Tyrion was helping out the crown. Now Tyrion has killed more Lannisters than Oberyn has (not saying much, Oberyn really dropped the ball). It seriously is not good to be a Lannister child these days.
The House of Black and White was also a rare triumph for House Stark all around, setting up what should be a solid season for them. Jon Snow won an election, Arya reunited with an old friend, Sansa made a (probably) smart decision to stick with Littlefinger, and Bran is guaranteed to survive the season. Let’s start with Jon Snow. Homeboy turns down being legitimized by Stannis and instead gets voted Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch. Even the mopiest of northern bastards would probably take that as a good consolation prize. Of course, real bastards of the north kill everyone their father tells them to and go legit.
Meanwhile, Arya travels to Braavos to find Jaqen H’ghar. We last saw Jaqen when Arya was wasting her 3 death wishes on mooks while she was playing tea time with Tywin. After getting denied by old Mace Windu at the door to the House of Black and White (where she expects to find Jaqen), she does what any normal human being would do: sit outside the house in the rain all night, toss the very important coin she was given in the sea, cut the head off a pigeon, and then warn 3 boys that she’ll kill them. Sarcasm aside, there’s a reason why pretty much everyone loves Arya, and now that Jaqen knows he’s got a pint-sized hitman on his payroll, things are looking to get pretty exciting.
Over in the Vale, Brienne is contemplating her next move while Podrick is contemplating which sex god moves he’s gonna pull on this ale wench.
Unfortunately, he gets cockblocked by Brienne trying to win over Sansa Stark by attempting to murder her uncle’s security detail. I wish they’d give Brienne something better to do. She gets rejected by Jaime, by Arya, and now by Sansa. Can’t she see she has everything she needs clumsily riding right behind her? Speaking of Podrick, it’s a good thing the whole squire/male prostitute thing is working out for him because his throwing accuracy is channeling Ricky Vaughn:
Over in Slaver’s Bay, we get the next installment of Daenerys Targaryen: The Queen Who Sucks at Everything. She’s as good at making decision as the Ferguson Police Department. I’ve seen better rulers in a public elementary school. I had more control over my bowel movements as a baby than she has over Slaver’s Bay. I mean, I get it. I really do. You need to set precedent that crimes do not go unpunished. If you’re really concerned for the future of Slaver’s Bay (and you’re the only one), you gotta roll a few heads. But maybe, juuuuuuust maybe, don’t chop off the head of a kid super loyal to you, especially when the crowd’s reaction is this:
Seriously, what the actual fuck. Like, can we all agree to start doing this at sporting events instead of booing? If you’re Alex Rodriguez, and you walk up to bat at Fenway and 40,000 people just start hissing at you like snakes, what do you do? I’ll tell you what I’d do. Shit my pants. Immediately. Right there on the field. And I wouldn’t even be embarrassed about it. Then I’d waddle out of there.
Speaking of waddling, it’s a good thing my man Tyrion is coming to help this shit show. Besides Tyrion dropping by far the best line of the episode (major NSFW dialogue), he adds legitimacy and intrigue to Dany’s campaign. His opinions won’t be met warmly, and conflict is obviously what drives story. As long as her dragons don’t mistake him for a goat or a tiny girl, he should have a great run in Mereen.
That about wraps it, so until next week, remember, if you’re gonna run from the Hound, make sure you run very fast.
Shut Up Bender 
