For the Watchers: S6E8 “No One”

June 14, 2016June 14, 2016 ~ Sam Holt ~ Leave a comment

*Spoilers for all episodes of Game of Thrones*

Episode 8 has had a pretty nice pedigree the past two years. In season 4, they had “The Mountain and the Viper,” which to me is the best episode of Game of Thrones. Top to bottom that episode didn’t have a bad scene, and it ended with one of the most thrilling moments of the show. Last year, episode 8 was the smack in the face that was Hardhome. The episode where it looked like Jon, Tormund, and Edd were gonna just jaunt over to talk politics beyond the wall and ended up with an entire village getting gobsmacked. This year we got…a lot of talking. Okay, cool, I like talking. The Hound might not, but I do. Ah, look, there’s Tyrion, sure he’s got some snappy quips about- wait, no, he’s literally just telling bad jokes. Surely this has a point? No? Okay, well at least Riverrun has some tension! Jaime! Blackfish! Coming to a head! Oh shit, it’s Brienne! And she might have to fight Jaime! Oh man, that would just be- oh, the siege is over and the Blackfish was killed off screen. And Brienne and Jaime meekly wave at each other. Well, at least we have that dope trial by combat next- ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!

If you want to remember the good talking episodes, go watch this again.

Even though the episode itself may have been underwhelming, it certainly had some bright spots. Arya became the first Stark to survive multiple stab wounds and even won a fight with the girl that’s job has literally been to kick her ass for two seasons. For someone who is supposed to be “no one” and not show emotion, that girl was pretty vindictive and also was the human personification of a goose that a person just happened to walk near. I also liked that Arya allowed Jaqen to survive…even though Jaqen poisoned himself last season…but didn’t actually, because he was the girl the whole time? But then they were both alive in the next season? And how did they make Arya blind anyway? Does anybody ca- nope, shut up, all that matters is Arya is riding a bullet train to Westeros to go impale some Freys and maybe, like, a Bolton. And the Starks may need numbers after next week’s battle, cause man…if you think that’s gonna end well, you haven’t been paying attention.

Meanwhile, in King’s Landing…

For fuck’s sake, he’s not even human! Does no one else see this? Can he even die?

High Sparrow: So Your Grace, I trust your wedding bed has been more productive as of late?

Tommen: Oh man, it’s been awesome! Thank you so much for talking to her! She started doing this thing with her-

Lancel: (sprinting into the room) OUTLAW TRIALS BY COMBAT!

High Sparrow: Brother Lancel, the Trial by Combat is a sacred right to the people; the Seven judge those accused by-

Lancel: That’s all cool, and I’m totally down with all your never-blinking voodoo stories, but that fucking monstrosity is going to literally tear us apart!

High Sparrow: Brother Lancel, please, your faith is being tested, you need to-

Lancel: My faith will not save me from a man that has been committing Mortal Kombat fatalities on people since before this show even started!

Tommen: Brother Lancel, please, the Trial is important to the Faith…

Lancel: He tore a fucking guy’s head off! He made him into a human Pez dispenser! Only, instead of Pez, all I got was vertebrae!

High Sparrow: You just need to trust in the Gods to-

Lancel: I’ve seen a human coccyx! I am NOT a doctor! I’m not even a warrior! I shouldn’t just SEE a coccyx!

Tommen: I’m sure one of our warriors could best him in a trial as long as the Gods-

Lancel: He told me he hates cats.

*Later*

Tommen: We have decided that Trial by Combat will be forbidden throughout the Seven Kingdoms…

Welcome back to the Brotherhood Without Banners! While book readers may lament that their return came with the the crushing realization that certain spoiler-y character returns would not be made (at least not yet), I did welcome their return if at least to confirm that they haven’t turned into town-slaughtering maniacs and are just the regular drunk maniacs. They do seem to be missing that cool archer dude though. Remember him? This guy:

We could use some fucking archers on this show right now. We just lost the Blackfish…Edmure Tully is running amok. Get this guy out there! And while you’re at it, BRING BACK GENDRY TOO! The Brotherhood can just be all the people we’ve missed. Look, it’s the Hound, and Gendry’s there too, playing with Nymeria. And guess who just walked in the door? It’s Oberyn Martell! And he totally still has his brain in his head! JUST LET ME DREAM, DAMMIT!

Quick Hits:

I’m not picky, match him up with literally anyone. Just put him in the damn show.

Dany didn’t look happy about being back. I wouldn’t be either if I realized they had just wasted 8 episodes drinking wine and making dick jokes.
Varys: Hey, I’m off to do some secret shit.
Tyrion: What is it?
Varys: I can’t let them know.
Tyrion: Who’s them?
Varys: Bye!
Would it be fucked up to name my daughter Arya? Like, would it be THAT bad?
But seriously, it was good to have the old Jaime Lannister back for 14 seconds.
Jaime waved as Brienne and Pod floated away. The Blackfish would’ve lit up that boat like a Christmas tree.
And boy did I fucking miss Bronn. Can we get him back with Tyrion please?
Qyburn: Cersei, I’ve looked into that rumor you asked me about…
Cersei: Does R + L = J?
Qyburn: *creepy smile*
Somehow, Edmure Tully ended up the Lannister MVP this season. That probably ruined lot of parlays.
Thoros of Myr: Hey, have you seen Gendry?
The Hound: What the fuck’s a Gendry?
Arya: I put another face on the wall.
Jaqen: Oh my many-faced-god, how many times do I have to tell you to clean the body first?! There’s blood everywhere!
Hey Tommen, couldn’t you have banned Trials by Combat before Oberyn died?
Seriously, Arya’s not even that bad! It’s just like Aria, that’s a real name! It’s even a character on Pretty Little Liars! Wait, forget I said that…
I’d like to see the alternate ending where the Blackfish just shoots one arrow and Riverrun explodes.

Next week should be the battle we’ve been waiting for, where surely Jon Snow will kill Ramsay Bolton, the Starks will retake Winterfell, and everyone will live happily ever- oh, who am I kidding, might as start flaying Rickon now.

For The Watchers: S6E7 “The Broken Man”

June 6, 2016June 7, 2016 ~ Sam Holt ~ Leave a comment

*Spoilers up to this episode of Game of Thrones*

Game of Thrones this week was pretty simple. People still hate the Lannisters, Arya spent two seasons training to be an assassin then promptly forgot everything and got herself stabbed, and the Hound came back to spend 20 minutes chopping wood. That’s all, see you next week.

…

Hey, if the writers can just say “pass” this week and mail it in so can I!

…

…Fine, I guess there’s more to break down but man, did they just lay a 50 minute fart of an episode. The big story (and great news) is that Sandor Clegane has returned. And he’s just ~~fucking tearing the Riverlands a new asshole~~…uh…chopping wood solemnly, super not hearing the blood curdling screams of like 60 people. Look, I know he’s got one bad ear, but c’mon. I think he can here a bunch of assholes just raining arrows on his Sinners Anonymous crew. Speaking of those assholes, is that the Brotherhood Without Banners? You know, those puckish outlaws, banded together to dick over the Mountain, benevolently kidnapping Arya and resurrecting dudes the Hound killed? I mean, they never seemed virtuous Ned Stark types, waving around honor and bad decision making. But, if that was them, it’s certainly an escalation to go from stealing some supplies from villages to murdering an entire village for having the gall to not be extort-able. Perhaps we’ll see next week, when Sandor Clegane is hopefully chopping more than wood.

Speaking of chopping wood, Theon Greyjoy is potentially showing signs of life after a “some bad years.” I’d be happy to see snarky, ~~cocksure~~ confident Theon Greyjoy back, especially with him and Yara seemingly accelerating towards becoming the missing piece to Dany’s conquest. Speaking of old Theon coming back, let’s take a quick glance at other characters I wish could rise from the dead, or, in one case, just fucking float ashore:

5) Tywin Lannister

Man, if we could will this heartless bastard back to life, I would do it just to see what kind of death he serve the Sparrows. It would be hard to top what he did to the Reynes of Castamere (not directly told in the show…he locked their subterranean stronghold and filled it with water), but he really needs a new song.

4) Ygritte

At the time, her death seemed necessary, since the Wildlings and the Night’s Watch were mortal enemies. But now, they’re best buds and the little shit that killed her is doing his best Casper the vengeful ghost impression. Poor Jon Snow has no luck…though Kit Harrington is doing a little better.

3) Gendry

My affinity to our Westerosi Magellan is well documented. I hope he’s just with the Brotherhood…then again, after this week, maaaaaaybe not.

We could’ve had this guy on the Iron Throne for 4 seasons now. Instead we a dope that’s only redeemable quality is he likes cats.

2) Renly Baratheon

Gone over 4 seasons ago, it’s easy to forget how dope Renly Baratheon was. Most only remember him being the gay guy that wouldn’t fuck Natalie Dormer. But he’s snarky. He’s brash. And he’ll tell you what he fucking thinks. Too bad he’s not a diplomat. Plus, it would’ve been him uncomfortably getting the sex talk from the High Sparrow, instead of newly pious Margaery Tyrell being told be an ancient man to fuck a child.

1) Oberyn Martell

This list should actually have 3 spaces between Renly and Oberyn just to properly illustrate how far ahead Oberyn is to everyone else. COME BACK OBERYN! WE TOOK YOU FOR GRANTED! AND YOUR DAUGHTERS ARE TOTAL BULLSHIT! FUUUUUUUUUUUU-

Meanwhile, in the Riverlands:

Jaime: Blackfish, surrender now and your men shall be spared.

Blackfish: Dude, you literally have made like 5 promises and 2 oaths, and you just take shits all over them. So much for “A Lannister always-”

Bronn: DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE.

Jaime: But, like, I mean it this time.

Blackfish: You got a free pass to King’s Landing, and my niece got a knife to the throat.

Jaime: I’d hardly call losing my hand a free pass…

Blackfish: And you didn’t even have the decency to do what Catelyn asked!

Jaime: Yeah, but the Boltons stole Sansa! Go talk to them! I ain’t pissing that kid off, he’s probably skinning a child alive right now for fun!

Blackfish: And what about Arya?

Jaime: That girl has literally been trying to be not a person for like, 3 seasons.

Blackfish: What?

Jaime: Hmm?

Blackfish: You sound like my nephew. Mayor of Sucktown, Captain of the U.S.S. Shit for Brains.

Bronn: Hey, you have to admit, that dude fucks.

Blackfish: You’d have a better time threatening to hang Bronn; no way the audience would let him die.

Bronn: Wait, what?

Blackfish: Doesn’t matter, I’m not going to give you the castle. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to spend the next two years practicing my super cool shoot-an-arrow-and-walk-away move. You have no idea how often that comes up.

Moving on to Arya, who seemingly left her brain at the House of Black and White. Arya, I’m going to list the people that have called you “sweet girl” in the show:

Jaqen H’ghar

That’s it. You know they’re trying to kill you and you know they can look like anyone. The minute you hear “sweet girl” you put your knees to the breeze and hoof it out of there. You certainly don’t turn, smile, and take a fucking knife to the chest from the first old lady you see. Also, when walking around with a critical stab wound, it might be in your best interest to ask someone for help. Like literally, just a soft “help me” or even “I’ve been stabbed multiple times in vital organs, I’d probably be dying if it wasn’t for me probably being intricate to the plot somehow, but somebody needs to provide me with medical assistance to better suspend the audience’s disbelief.” Either or, really.

Quick Hits:

If you were wondering where your pants are, she’s wearing them.

I’m shocked the church wants a 14 year-old boy to have sex.
Saying Theon has had a some bad years is like saying the Red Wedding didn’t go as planned.
How did it take 6 seasons for Lyanna Mormont to be a character? She’s like Arya without being diluted by Stark incompetence.
If Lyanna Mormont had been Ned Stark’s 4th natural-born child instead of Bran, we wouldn’t even need the Wall anymore. She’d also be able to walk.
If Lyanna Mormont were at the Red Wedding, it would’ve been known as “The Slightly Inconvenient Wedding” or “The Last Frey Wedding” or “King Robb Stark’s Wedding.” Maybe not that last one, she’s not a miracle worker.
Cersei: I’d never abandon my son.
Olenna: You would if he looked like this.
I wish I had enough money to pay for things in “arrogantly tossing a bag of coins.”
Yara: “I’m sorry, I won’t joke about your penis if it bothers you. But seriously, kill yourself.”
Casting Ian McShane to play a Septon is like casting Jack McBrayer to play Ramsay Bolton. Actually, on second thought, that’s more terrifying, forget I said that.
Wildling: I think we should have cereal for breakfast!
Wun Wun: PANCAKES!
Wildling: Right, I’ll fetch the syrup.
If Jeor Mormont had birthed Lyanna Mormont instead of Jorah, Lyanna would be hand of the Queen to Danerys Targaryen and Game of Thrones would’ve been one season long. And no one would’ve had to suffer through this blog.

For the Watchers: S6E6 “Blood of My Blood”

May 31, 2016June 24, 2016 ~ Sam Holt ~ 1 Comment

Game of Thrones is known as a show of schemes and plots. The conniving minds of Westeros (and, unfortunately, Essos) usually come together to outwit, betray, and destroy their opposition. For the past 5 1/2 seasons, we’ve seen smooth moves from the likes of Tyrion, Littlefinger, Tywin, Varys, Dany, Olenna, Margaery, and even Cersei for a hot minute. It is also known as a show of death, famously nixing main character after main character, from Ned Stark all the way to Jon Snow the first time. And somehow, last Sunday we were treated to no schemes, no plots, and perhaps most shockingly, no deaths. Not even Bolton Knight #2 or even a Stark (Besides Ned, Catelyn, and Robb’s deaths all appearing in Bran’s memory explosion. Give the Starks credit, they even die in episodes where no one dies.). This is the first time no one has died in an episode since Season 3, Episode 7 (“The Bear and the Maiden Fair”). However, that was the episode where Theon got castrated, so I guess you can count Theon’s penis as a casualty.

So how did the notoriously bloody Game of Thrones survive with this sudden lack of death? Some good ol’ fashioned shit happening. Traveling for 5 episodes? Guess it’s time to steal your punk-ass dad’s ultra rare sword. Training to be an assassin for like 2 years? Fuck that, time to proudly proclaim your existence and slap some fucking rum out of some dumb broad’s hand and say “you’re welcome.” Haven’t seen some of your favorite characters in a few seasons? Guess what, we got ~~The Hound, Gendry, and Bronn~~ uh, Benjen Stark, Walder Frey, and Edmure Tully. Okay, so some of those returns were underwhelming, but man, business is beginning to pick up.

So, if Bran wasn’t satisfied fucking everything up again last week, he starts out this week by immediately fucking up again. Unfortunately, he gets saved by a particularly not alive Benjen Stark. I like how they hid his face for his introduction, then revealed his face like 98% of the audience expected to know who it was. On a good day, the average viewer will recognize Tommen, and that’s with the crown on his head. As much as I don’t like Bran, at least he’s the first line of defense against the White Walkers, and that’s good since that means I probably won’t have to see Bran much longer.

“Don’t worry, I left a note. And it says ‘GFY Dad. S my D.'”

Heading south, it turns out being a shitty father is just simply a Game of Thrones theme at this point. Like somehow Jaime banged his sister and pretends to be his kids’ uncle and he’s like a top 5 dad on the show. The more impressive thing is that Randyll Tarly basically said he would kill his son, called him fat, and treated what is essentially his step-daughter as less than human…and he’s still not even like bottom 3. Hey Randyll, burned any children lately? No? Had sex with any of them? Then you’re all right in my book. Sam then puts his big boy pants on and steals his father’s sword. His father’s fucking Valyrian steel sword. There’s like 5 of those left! They also conveniently kill White Walkers, which makes me believe Sam is not long for the Citadel. Sorry you couldn’t be a wizard bro.

Meanwhile, in King’s Landing:

High Sparrow: And now, Queen Margaery will begin her-

Jaime: Hey fuckboy, how ’bout you give us the queen back?

High Sparrow: I beg your pardon?

Olenna Tyrell: This plotline has grown stale. Literally no one likes you. You have a worse approval rating than Dorne.

High Sparrow: How dare you!

Olenna Tyrell: *shrugs*

Jaime: Listen, just give us Margaery, she can go back to having awkward sex scenes with Tommen and you guys can go brood in the background or something.

High Sparrow: Sure…I could do that…or…

*Tommen appears at High Sparrow’s side*

Audience: *groans collectively*

High Sparrow: What was that?

Jaime: That was the sound of literally everyone watching upset that this is still a thing.

High Sparrow: What’s wrong with the Sparrows?

Jaime: Do you think people look forward to Sundays because of church?

Tommen: Uncle Jaime, I am uniting the crown with the church in order to-

Jaime: For fuck’s sake, can you just die already? Let that boat kid be king for all I care.

Tommen: Uncle!

Jaime: You don’t know the half of it. We all know it’s coming, might as well get it over with. I’m about to go fight the Tully’s, I need some fucking sympathy before everyone hates me again.

Mace Tyrell: I’m a peacock.

Mace Tyrell: The Ralph Wiggum of Game of Thrones

Now we come to Arya Stark, who, contrary to past reports, does indeed exist. Sometimes you just need to almost kill a really nice lady before you figure out who you really are. That lady was so nice, she made CERSEI look sympathetic. Luckily for her, Arya sucks at poisoning more than Mace Tyrell does at appearing intelligent. But she doesn’t have to worry about that anymore since she’s got Needle back. I just hope that with the House of Black and White coming after her, that she can eviscerate the most arrogant body washer in the history of fiction and finally get her ass to Westeros. It does seem like everyone is finally getting to Westeros. Except Tyrion. And Gendry.

Randyll Tarly is trying so hard to be Tywin Lannister I half expected Sam to shoot him with a crossbow.
Gilly: “He’s a greater warrior than either of you will ever be.”
Dickon Tarly: “…the fuck did I do?”
I wanna meet the Dothraki that listened to Dany’s speech and was just like “Nah, I’m good.”
Honestly, what is stopping Cersei from just going on a Grand Theft Auto spree and then just calling for a Trial by Combat each time? Has she not thought of this? Don’t answer that.
Could’ve used Lady Crane’s acting in Dorne last year.
I have a book-assisted theory on who the new Lord Commander of the Kingsguard will be, but a huge part of me just wants to see Bronn walk out with a white cloak just casually eating an apple 100% not giving a shit.
Part of me will always be expecting Walder Frey to put Harry Potter in detention.
In all seriousness, Needle was by far the best return this week.
It occurred to me when I was watching Jaqen peel back a man’s face that it probably wasn’t a good idea to be rooting for that guy.
Dany needs a thousand ships? Let’s hope Yara is better at rowing than Gendry.

That’s our week. Here’s hoping Arya escapes to Westeros next week, and just starts killing everyone who deserves it: High Sparrow, Walder Frey, Ramsay Bolton, and most deservedly, Bran.

For the Watchers: S6E5 “The Door”

May 23, 2016May 23, 2016 ~ Sam Holt ~ Leave a comment

*Spoilers for Game of Thrones up to the current episode*

Things happen fast in the Game of Thrones universe. Kids become adults. Littlefinger makes a 500 mile journey in one episode. And Sansa steps up and starts holding her own. It’s about time someone realized Lord Baelish was a total dickhead. When Sansa called him out on how awful of a decision it was to give her to Ramsay, she says what we were all thinking last year (“If you didn’t know, you’re an idiot. If you did know, you’re my enemy.”) With her Baelish banishment though, Sansa appears to be more of a Stark than previously thought, as she throws away the Vale, probably one of (if not, THE) largest army in the Seven Kingdoms, for honor. They haven’t fought in any wars, and they were willing to fight for her. Not saying she’s not right…but I’m just saying the last person to choose honor over pragmatism ended up getting most of his family stabbed. However, trusting Littlefinger got basically the rest of that family stabbed, so it’s really a lose lose.

It’s okay guys, everyone knows you’re the best of all time. And everyone has totally listened to whatever new album you have.

Looks like there’s a new Red Woman in town! Can’t be Melisandre because she was on screen for five whole minutes and not once did she take her top off. Seriously, Melisandre should be looking at this new priest like Cersei looked at Margaery. She even scared the shit out of Varys. That butterball literally exists to know shit, and this chick knew such intense deep shit about him he looked like someone told him Radiohead was a bad band. Honestly, if I lived in this universe, sign me up for some R’hllor. Hot priests resurrecting you while you just have to super hope you don’t have kings blood in you? Done and done. Where do I sign? Hey, what’re you doing with that leech?

Meanwhile, at the Kingsmoot…

Yara: I deserve to be queen!

Random Ironborn: What about Theon?

Theon: Guys, Yara is the best queen the Ironborn could possibly have. She’s a great leader, a great reaver, and she will-

Euron: Where’s your cock?

Theon: What?

Euron: I have a great penis, I should be King.

Theon: Dude, literally all you’ve done is throw my dad off a bridge and been an asshole.

Euron: Yes, but do either of you have a penis?

Yara: What does having a penis have to do with being a good ruler?

Euron: Basically everything. Whoever has the best penis is the best ruler everyone knows that.

*Ironborn mostly shrug and nod in agreement*

Yara: That makes literally no sense. If anything, caring about your penis definitely makes you a worse ruler.

Euron: Yes, but have you ever had a penis?

Theon: I have.

Euron: How’s that working out for you?

Theon: YARA DESERVES TO BE QUEEN!

Euron: May I remind the jury this man is completely devoid of a penis.

Theon: GODDAMMIT! My character has depth! I’m on a redemption story, regaining confidence, and I’m sick of my only descriptive detail is “that guy with no dick!”

*waves crash against the rocks, as a long silence fills the air*

Random Ironborn: …so you don’t have a penis?

Theon: That’s it. Fuck you guys. I’m going to Essos.

Should’ve pushed him out of a higher window.

And now we finally come to the shitshow beyond the Wall. Bran Stark is probably indirectly responsible for more deaths than the Great Chicago Fire. Starts from day 1. Hey idiot, mom said don’t climb the castle. How’d that work out for you? You crippled your dumb legs and started a war. Maybe if you spent a little more time listening to mom she would’ve been gushing about how awesome your legs are rather than gushing blood from her severed jugular vein. Then there was Osha and Rickon. Send them to the Umbers he said. It’ll be fine he said. That ended with Shaggydog’s head as a Captain Hook popsicle and Osha getting skewered like a shish kebab. I’ll give him a pass on Jojen since that cryptic dingus knew it was coming, but this. THIS is all on Bran. If you’re going to have unsanctioned warging, you could’ve at least had the decency to check out the ending of the Tower of Joy scene. But no, you go visit the army of the dead and get yourself found out. You killed an entire ancient race, your warging Mr. Miagi, your fucking dog, and are directly responsible not only for Hodor’s death, but for his entire fucking sad existence. Dude was perfectly happy just ambling around tending horses and unlike Theon, actively having a huge penis. Then you melted his brain and made the point of his entire existence to save your dumbass self. Frankly Bran is the real villain of this series. Meera should just leave him before he gets her lit on fire.

Quick Hits:

“You colossally fucked up. You truly are a Stark.”

RIP Summer. You were always the dog who’s name I knew second most.
“And you Daario? Do you love me?” “…oh hey, look at the sun, I gotta go…horse.”
Davos: With what army are we supposed to take Winterfell?
Sansa: I’ve got the Blackfish in Riverrun.
Davos: You got the Blackfish?
Sansa: You feel better motherfucker?
Davos: Shiiiiiit, that’s all you had to say!
You have to drown to become king of the Iron Islands? Man, Tommen only had to watch his brother get brutally murdered in front of him.
So for those of you scoring at home, if the Night’s King touches you, he can enter cheat codes that allows him to find you and enter your magically blocked super secret base. Don’t bother trying to figure out why, it just makes sense, okay!
Arya’s upset because they make her dad look stupid. That’s certainly unfair, because all he did was accept the King’s Hand position, side with Catelyn arresting Tyrion with no evidence, threaten the queen, refuse help from Renly, and trust Littlefinger.
Give me an “Edd Tollett, Lord Commander” sitcom, and give it to me now.
Meera: Hold the door!
Hodor: Hodor! *Hodor thoughtfully holds the door open for the wights*
Meera: HODOR NOOOOO!
Good luck to Jorah for finding a cure to greyscale in the land where child birth is still a 50/50 shot.
I’m hoping Bronn returns next week. Not sure what he could do though. Maybe he’ll go back to Dorne. Sidenote, that is literally the only reason I’d want to go back to Dorne.

And finally, in memory of Hodor, the reigning penis champion of Westeros (look it up if you want, I’m certainly not linking it), I’ve decided to crown a new champion. Now, I have no way of knowing this, and it’s all speculation, but…I have a pretty good idea:

For the Watchers: S6E4 “Book of the Stranger”

May 17, 2016May 17, 2016 ~ Sam Holt ~ 1 Comment

*Spoilers for Game of Thrones up to the current episode*

Sometimes, you forget. Whether it’s because of indifference, obliviousness, or ignorance, there are often times you need to be reminded of certain things. It could be a birthday or an anniversary. Maybe it’s where you’ve seen the High Sparrow before. Perhaps it’s the national bird of Peru, the Andean cock-of-the-rock. This week, Game of Thrones reminded you that Dany fucking runs shit. That’s what she does. She wakes up, rubs her piercing non-violet eyes, puts on her New Balance, finds a Drake playlist on Spotify, and fucking runs shit. In the beginning of this season, I was wondering how Jorah and Daario would managed to smuggle Dany out of Vaes Dothrak. Turns out they don’t. Dany just sits there brooding ’til she’s like “Oh shit, that’s right, I’m basically a superhero!” and just toasts some motherfuckers. I’ve never seen something actively on fire be so cold. Good luck to Daario if he ever spurns her. Let’s see how the endless one-liners and x-rated knives work out then.

To the Wall, where so much shit happened, it needs it’s own Quick Hits section.

The Wall Bits:

“I can’t see me loving nobody but you, for all my liiiiife!”

Jon and Sansa reuniting was great, but I kinda wished it had been Jon and Arya. Or Sansa and Arya. Jesus, can everyone get the fuck out of Essos please?
I hope someday I find a girl that makes me feel the way Tormund does when he sees Brienne.
Not sure why Melisandre is so guilty about burning Shireen, she totally made all that snow melt even before Ramsay lit their entire camp on fire.
I like that Sansa is taking charge. It allows Jon Snow to go back to what he does best: being a whiny little bitch.
If Podrick joins the Night’s Watch, it would be the biggest waste of talent since Len Bias.

The combined forces of Jon Snow, the Wildlings, and the Vale’s incoming army attacking Winterfell seems to finally be galvanizing all the northern plotlines towards an engaging center. Plus, Ramsay’s been dealing with a bit of over exposure lately, since he’s actually making killing people look boring. They’re just dropping like flies at Winterfell. This week may have seemed a bit excessive, but you had to do something about Osha eventually. You either kill Tonks off screen or you kill her on screen, doesn’t make narrative sense to keep her around. But it’s also starting to not make sense to keep Ramsay around. He’s not going to be the king, and being Lord of Winterfell isn’t a long term viable option for a tactless sociopath, so he’s probably due some comeuppance. He’s probably not going to be as big a fan of dogs though, once he sees Ghost.

Meanwhile, in King’s Landing…

Septa Unella: The High Sparrow will see you now.

Margaery: *under her breath* Please don’t tell me a long boring story…please don’t tell me a long boring story…please don’t-

High Sparrow: When I was a cobbler…

Margaery: Goddammit.

High Sparrow: What?

Margaery: Seriously, literally no one gives a shit.

High Sparrow: My dear, you need to hear of my past so you can be motivated to change your ways.

Margaery: More like change the time of my afternoon nap. Dude, you’re like Nyquil mixed with Benadryl, only you don’t alleviate my irritation.

High Sparrow: You have to atone for your sins…

Margaery: You gonna shame walk me?

High Sparrow: You must be naked before the eyes of gods and men…

Margaery: More like naked before the eyes of new HBO Now subscribers…

High Sparrow: …and complete your walk of atonement through the city…

Margaery: Dude, no fucking way. The last one took like 15 fucking minutes. We have way too many plots going on for that to happen. Don’t you want to see what Sam is puking into this week?

High Sparrow: No one wants that.

Margaery: Fair enough, just let me get back to my life.

High Sparrow: You mean banging a 14 year old?

Margaery: Well, when you put it like that…

And now we come to the Greyjoys for…well, some reason. From a non-book perspective, I can’t see why anyone would give a shit. So far, you have some weird dude that dumped Balon Greyjoy off a bridge, Theon’s sister is basically constantly pissed off, and some old dude rambled about a Kingsmoot. That’s it. Now Theon and Yara are fronting the duel-dickless bid for the throne. I will say Theon seems troubled by the fact that the last person to touch his dick was his sister. Considering first time he saw her in the show, this is probably quite fitting.

Quick Hits:

You piece of shit! Stop throwing my gifts out that precariously placed plot device!

As if Meereen isn’t bad enough, Tyrion is basically the worst third wheel since Harry Potter.
Robin Arryn is basically just the face of the Entitlement Generation. At least Littlefinger got him a present he can’t just throw out the Moon Door.
If Robin ends up married to Sansa at the end of this, the real winner of the Game of Thrones is barely pubescent boys.
Fucking Littlefinger is straight just wearing a black cape now. He’s not even pretending to be a good guy. He looks like he’s about to bite someone’s neck or debut his own Halloween cereal.
If I was Jorah, next time Daario gave me shit, I’d just tell him I rubbed my greyscale on the inside of his pants. Then nothing but “rock hard” puns until Meereen.
I do like to think of the High Sparrow just getting turnt listening to Turn Down For What.
What’s that? You want two Reeks? Okay, here you go!
Wouldn’t Jaime know Lancel was the reason Cersei got arrested? High chance that dude gets the Jory Cassel treatment.
Anyone else notice Ramsay peeled the skin off the apple and then ate it anyway? What a dickshit.
Oh sweet, Theon is gonna help Yara at the Kingsmoot. I’m sure he’ll have great things to say like *mumbles incoherently* and *cries incessantly*. I’m sure that’ll go over great!

Tune in next week, where Bran probably sees the end of the Tower of- what’s that? The fucking NIGHT KING is there? Already? It’s not even halfway through the season! Oh for fuck’s sake…

For The Watchers: Game of Thrones Season 6 Preview

April 18, 2016April 18, 2016 ~ Sam Holt ~ Leave a comment

*Spoilers through the end of Season 5*

Lots has happened since the end of Game of Thrones Season 5. Donald Trump could be our next president. Peyton Manning retired. And I finished the A Song of Ice and Fire series. Finishing the books added new perspective (and allowed me to relive all the depression all over again), but it’s interesting just how blind both book readers and non-book viewers are going into this season. There are roughly 2 or 3 potential plots that seem to be coming to fruition for the next season that book readers could have a leg up on. But even then, last season proved that the TV show is basically its own entity at this point, so the time for book spoilers is basically over. It’s a glorious new day where TV viewers can be freed of the smarmy book readers spoiling everything and look forward to all their favorite characters dying sad, horrible deaths.

The anxiety of your favorite characters surviving (nevermind succeeding) is real in the late seasons. So how will the top players perform this year? Here are my predictions (book spoiler free):

Daenerys Targaryen

**Open the fighting pits they said…it’ll be fun they said…**

It’s a rough time to be a queen, and none more obvious than the Mother of Dragons. Episode 9 ended with the collective viewership hoping Drogon would finally get her to land on the shores of Westeros, hopes that were summarily dashed when she ended up back in the hands of the Dothraki. And without Aquaman backing her up, that is not an ideal situation. In the pro column, she’s got Sir Friend Zone and Mr. Steal Your Girl combing the desert for her. On the down side, she might be horse food by the time they find her. But there’s no way Dany won’t make it to Westeros at some point, right? Main characters always live to reach their goals, right? Right? …Right?

Prediction: Dany finally makes it to Westeros…alone.

Tyrion Lannister

**From the looks of it, they’re gazing upon the predictable outcome of this season.**

Varys and Tyrion are back, baby! And they’re running roughshod all over Meereen! I doubt Tyrion’s good fortune will last long because this is Game of Thrones, but Tyrion seems like he’s in a relatively good space, just a city at the brink of Civil War with half of the Queen’s Court gone. But the human one liner machine always finds a way to survive. But that doesn’t necessarily mean Meereen survives with him.

Prediction: Tyrion barely escapes Meereen as it is overthrown and burned to the ground.

Jon Snow

He dead.

Prediction: Just kidding Melisandre saves him and he’s a total vengeful asshole now.

Jaime Lannister

**I told you I don’t like the pixie cut!**

Remember when this shithead was killing Starks left and right and you were like “CUT HIS FUCKING HEAD OFF!” and now you’re like “YEAH GET ‘EM JAIME GET ‘EM!”? Just a perfect redemption story. Jaime has a tall task ahead of him to win back control of King’s Landing and to stick it to the Martell’s. He’s gonna need a hand, but Jaime should be able to bring him back into the arms of the woman he loves. Gross.

Prediction: Jaime takes back King’s Landing, but ends the season in a tight spot.

Bran Stark

Oh this fucking asshole again? Listen, I’ve gotten flack for this, but I don’t really like Bran. He’s just a turd out there. But it looks like business has finally picked up for him. But he’s also at the front lines of the Night War, and if he doesn’t learn to fly soon, he’s going to end up like basically every other male Stark.

Prediction: Bran flies by the end of the season, leading to foreshadowing of him controlling a dragon.

Sansa Stark

Sansa, what is your purpose now? Can you like go find Gendry? He’s more interesting than you! Go find Gendry!

Dude, I have no idea. This chick could have broken legs and be recaptured by the Boltons in minutes. She could team up with Theon and lead the Wildlings into battle. And basically everything in between. The only thing I’m confident about is that Brienne won’t find her.

Prediction: She’ll end up back with Littlefinger cause he probably put a medieval tracking device on her.

Arya Stark

Who?

Prediction: She finally becomes no one.

Cersei Lannister

Everyone’s least favorite alcoholic finally got kinda what was coming to her...but at the expense of like 15 minutes of our lives. Cersei has an uphill battle, but the peaks and valleys of Game of Thrones seem to signal an upswing coming…but this is Game of Thrones, which is why I predict probably my most bold prediction so far:

Prediciton: Cersei dies in the season finale at the hands of her brother…Jaime.

Speaking of those dying, how about a quick lightning round of some other characters I expect to live or die in the upcoming season! (I will omit people that have died in the books from plots yet to be told, all people listed are either still alive in the books, died way earlier, or were created for the TV show).

Live: Samwell Tarly

**Samwell Tarly perfectly summed up by Louise.**

This sack of shit doesn’t do enough to get himself into any real danger. Look, I love Sam as much as the next guy, but without Jon Snow, I fear he’s going to be dangerously boring if actively involved in the new season. Here’s hoping that the new characters attached to his story brighten up his teachings at the Citadel.

Die: Alliser Thorne

If we are entertaining the idea that Jon Snow will rise from the dead (which will probably happen either at the end of the first episode or at the end of the season), Sir Alliser is probably going to be number 1 on his shit list. And I’m not sure if you know this, but motherfucker killed a white walker and like literally 200 other dudes on this show already.

Live: Ramsay Bolton

Die: Tommen Baratheon

This isn’t bold. That surprisingly attractive witch doctor at the beginning of last season basically told young Cersei all her kids were taking dirt naps before her. Batter up.

Live: Gendry

But only cause he won’t be in the season. Just keep swimming.

Die: A shit ton of religious folks in King’s Landing

The Mountain: Basically Medieval Jason Vorhees

It’s been a good run for the Faith, but yeah, Zombie Mountain looks pissed. If he can even be pissed. Is he like a weird robot? Really doesn’t matter, wouldn’t wanna be in the same area code as that thing.

Live: Theon Greyjoy

Rumors persist of a large Greyjoy presence in this season, and it would be really awkward to have all these new Greyjoy’s running around without a busted ass Theon to run into. I’m guessing he guts it out and limps his way into Season 7.

Die: Brienne of Tarth

Brienne has had a great run. She protected Renly until he got killed, assisted Catelyn Stark in delivering the most valuable prisoner back to the enemy for no benefit. She straight up couldn’t “save” Arya or Sansa with an opportunity for both. And she ambiguously killed her, um, arch nemesis? I guess? Moral of the story is, if you’ve done everything you’re supposed to do, you’re now useless. Byeeeeeee.

Live: Margaery Tyrell

**My next post might just be the 9 other pictures of Natalie Dormer I wanted to use here.**

This one is probably just wishful thinking. Actually it’s all wishful thinking. Please, don’t kill Natalie Dormer.

Die: Loras Tyrell

….But you can totally kill her brother. I really don’t give a shit.

Live: Varys and Littlefinger

These guys are never dying. A fucking white walker riding a dragon could challenge them to a trial by combat and they’d still find a way to survive. I think they can swindle their way into Season 7. LOCK IT UP!

Die: Jorah Mormont

Greyscale is like a cross between the plague, a zombie infection, and rocks. But look on the bright side, instead of being a whiny bitch, at least he’ll finally get some thick skin!

Live: Podrick Payne

Listen guys, they can’t kill him. The women of the Seven Kingdoms will not let him die. He has way too much love to give. And let’s not forget, he’s got the best sword in Westeros.

Die: Hodor

But the other lovable lump will not be so lucky. Hodor is one of the most adorable, innocent, and enjoyable character in the Game of Thrones universe. And his death will spurn Bran Stark to a crusade against his enemies. Or he’ll just continue being a turd.

Can’t wait for Sunday! Here’s to a season of excitement, despair, and many Tyrion and Varys conversations!

Game of Thrones Recap: Season 5 Episode 9 “The Dance of Dragons”

June 9, 2015June 9, 2015 ~ Sam Holt ~ Leave a comment

(Spoilers for every episode of Game of Thrones.)

Episode 9. If you’ve gotten this far into Game of Thrones, you know the pedigree. Ned Stark. Blackwater. Red Wedding. Castle Black. “The Dance of Dragons” may not be the best episode 9 of the series, but it surely lived up to the name. Delivering one of the best episodes of the season, there were a range of emotions running from sheer anger, overwhelming dread, and, if you’re me, raucous joy by the way I personally may or may not have audibly cheered in a room with only myself and my fat dog. But, like this episode did, let’s power through the bad before we get to the good.

Let’s start in the North, where we were teased a showdown between Ramsay and Stannis and instead we got the least cool camping trip ever. Ramsay’s genius plan boiled down to a bunch of dudes setting fires on tents and horses and killing basically no one. Was it effective? Sure. But why even bother to tease it? It wasn’t that stunning visually, other than that moment with the burning horse…and would you believe me if I told you that wouldn’t be the worst thing to watch burn alive this episode? Wait, you would? Anyway, I half expected for Stannis to wake up to find half his army flayed or some shit. How did Roose accept this? I believe it went a little something like this:

Roose: We’re gonna stay behind the wall and wait for them to starve.

Ramsay: Dad, don’t do that, we gotta go on the offensive!

Roose: We can’t lose our advantage.

Ramsay: But it’s guaranteed to work!

Roose: What is it?

Ramsay: I’m gonna take a buncha guys, and we’re gonna light some shit on fire, and then Stannis will get really miffed and probably do something rash that’ll make him completely unforgivable!

Roose: …that’s a goddamn foolproof plan and I’m so fucking happy you’re my son.

Ramsay: Thanks Dad!

Roose: Wanna go rape some skinless corpses?

Ramsay: Boy do I!

Speaking of missing the point of teases, Jon Snow had a tense moment where it seemed like he briefly was going to be left out in the cold. Then immediately nothing happened. Personally, I assumed this, and got ticked that the “next week on” section teased an uprising within. Ser Alliser is definitely a d-bag, but keeping Jon from getting through the gate wouldn’t end well for him. I mean, just look at Janos Slynt. Seriously, look at him:

Remember that shit? I bet Ser Alliser does. Jon Snow ain’t no bitch anymore. He’s taking heads and not giving a shit about their names.

Now to Dorne, where we- hey, stop booing! C’mon, they tried they’re best! Settle down! Remember Tyene? She’s still there! Better? Okay, good. Seriously, where has Doran been this whole season? He’s like Oberyn, without all the sex and the violence, which surprisingly is still really good! This scene was infuriating only because it shows the potential that could’ve actually happened in this story line. Even the Sands Snakes scene was good. I have no idea where this will go next year. Seemingly, the Sand Snakes will do something, since it would make no sense to introduce them if they’re literally going to do nothing else. Here’s hoping they don’t waste our time and stop threatening Bronn’s life, even if it was in the best way possible.

Also, it’s easy to forget that theoretically no one knows (or is supposed to know) that Myrcella is Jaime’s daughter. The scene where Ellaria casually mentions it wouldn’t be a big deal if he was a Targaryen is telling. Jaime doesn’t admit it, but he doesn’t outright deny it like he and Cersei have to in King’s Landing. For better or (probably) worse, the Lannisters and Martells are family now. If I were Cersei, I would be pumped! Dorne and the Reach are in the family! That’s prime wine country! Oh wait, that’s right, she’s sucking water off the floor. My b.

Okay, theoretically, if oysters are the Viagra of this universe, maybe it’s not a good idea to give them to a teenage girl. Especially when the other two things you’re peddling are called “clams” and “cockles”. Seriously, any Braavosi douchebag can come up with that joke. Anyway, Arya ignored an old man going after her clams to find Meryn Fucking Trant going after an even younger girl’s clam. There’s really no redeeming a pedophile in a fictional universe. Viewers will tolerate betrayal, murder, and even flaying more than pedophilia. Meryn Trant has got to go, and I give him a slim to none chance of surviving the season. If I had to guess, I’d say we’re losing probably 2 or 3 starring/recurring characters next week, and I’d put most of my money on Trant making his donation to the Many Faced God.

Okay, hold on, let me prepare myself to talk about Shireen:

Wait…

Okay, maybe I’m beginning to be able to talk about this. I mean, I’m all for surprising, and it got teased to death, what with Stannis delivering a Father of the Year caliber speech and Melisandre hinting they have no other option, but it kinda felt like Ned Stark all over again. Like, they aren’t REALLY gonna kill that little girl…right? Right? Wrong. This is Game of Thrones, not Dragon Tales. That girl is dust. But hey, silver linings: at least Davos doesn’t need to make that doe carving anymore! This also makes the battle for Winterfell woefully uninteresting. Remember when I joked about Littlefinger being Sansa’s best case scenerio? To think now that everyone else is probably hoping for Littlefinger to clean up the scraps of that battle is crazy. But that’s the world they live in.

Before we get to the climax of the episode, can we take a second to talk about the knight stabbing the dude about to kill Jorah in the back? Seriously guy, you suck at being polite and at being a cheater. Either let the dude kill Jorah and then fight him man to man, or let him kill Jorah and stab him the second after. If you waited literally one second, you would’ve won. Game over. Then the Sons of the Harpy would’ve killed Dany, Daario, and Tyrion, and we never would’ve had to worry about Essos again.

The fight itself had some great dialogue. Daario is really becoming one of my favorite characters (“Your Grace…” “Shut your mouth.”) and Tyrion just gets gold line after gold line (“It’s easy to confuse ‘what is’ with ‘what ought to be’ especially when ‘what is’ has worked out in your favor.”). And the comedy of the stronger competitor beheading the quick competitor was one of the funniest moments of the season (and if that sentence doesn’t tell you what kinda show this is, I don’t know what will). But when the Sons of the Harpy attack, it is legitimately terrifying. This scene is chalked full of characters you care about in imminent danger. Luckily, with all due respect to Hizdahr Zo Loraq (Dany’s second dead husband), no one that mattered had to die because Drogon made the most dramatic entrance since Ramsay in Season 4. He saves everybody in the arena and then let’s Dany ride him off into the sunset. Though, are they really safe? I mean, shouldn’t Dany make sure they get out alive? What if Daario and Jorah are still awkward around each other? And who’s gonna clean up all the dead bodies scattered around? Are we just suppose to stop caring because she- wait. Dany’s finally riding a fucking dragon?

That’s all folks, and remember, don’t make the bang buddy of a sadistic bastard jealous by looking prettier than her.

Game of Thrones Recap: Season 5 Episode 7 “The Gift”

May 28, 2015January 12, 2016 ~ Sam Holt ~ 1 Comment

(Warning: Spoilers for all episodes of Game of Thrones)

I didn’t expect Season 5 to live up to Season 4’s expectations. From the book reading sources I’ve conversed with, the end of book 3 (of which Season 4 was based off of) was probably the best material within the books. Not to say this season has been bad, but it lacks the pop of the previous season. The next three episodes may be very shocking (especially to book readers, who I’ve been told find themselves facing mostly uncharted territory in Meereen, Winterfell, and Dorne), but I’m not sure I’m completely sold. Season 5 has been given the unfortunate task of telling a half a story. Adapted from the first half of two books, it seems more like the dreadful trend that popular movie series have adopted as of late, splitting their final movie into two parts. There have been no major deaths so far this season, which isn’t to say their hasn’t been drama, but it’s a definite new direction for the usually violent show.

This is Game of Thrones, totally spinning my head. Look how shocked I am.

I’m more concerned with this fact: Game of Thrones is becoming predictable. Honestly, probably the least predictable thing that happened in this episode was that Bronn actually survived it (more on that later). Hopefully I’m wrong, and they’ll spin my head for real in the next three episodes. But, c’mon. Was anyone shocked when Reek stayed loyal to Ramsay? Were you blown away by the High Sparrow turning the tables on Cersei? And did it blow your mind that Gilly and Sam finally had sex? Wait, shit, they banged? Nevermind, this show does still have a curveball. Let’s break it down, shall we?

Your girl was the worst. I thought you should know.

At the wall, after Tormund got done mugging everyone like he just collectively fucked every crows’ girlfriend, we were treated to a couple of scenes of Maester Aemon (that old guy at the Wall) going delirious before dropping dead of old age for the second time in Game of Thrones history (you may remember the first was Cat Stark’s dad, the victim of Edmure Tully’s clinic on how not to set a boat on fire). Then, Sam gets the shit kicked out of him and gets saved by a giant CGI Deus Ex Machina dog. He is then rewarded for having the supernatural ability of being near a dog by losing his V card. I’d like to make a short list of people that have had less sex than Sam this year: Jon Snow, Melisandre, Littlefinger, Jaime, Podrick, Tyrion, and Theon Greyjoy. That’s an impressive list. Though he has had less sex than Tommen, Margaery, Dany, Daario, and probably even Oberyn. Even in his current state, I wouldn’t put it past him. He’s still more appealing than Jorah.

Who the fuck is this guy? Where did he come from?

Speaking of Ser Just a Friend, he did a great job at sucking at killing people and getting shut down this week. Luckily for him, Tyrion escaped in time to present himself to the Queen and collectively make everyone giggle in excitement. But, can we briefly talk about how he got out of his chains? Tyrion is sturggling trying to cut himself loose when some big cousin Orson mofo comes by with a blade. By now, I’m sure you already forgot this happened, but it did. Were we supposed to believe he was in danger? Why did that guy cut him loose if it was inferred he was working for the slave master? What’s he even doing there? Can we cut out next week’s Brienne section so we can learn what makes that guy tick? Anyone?

Shockingly, I couldn't find a SFW GIF of this scene, so here's an Owl that reminds me of Samwell. — Shockingly, I couldn’t find a SFW GIF of this scene, so here’s an Owl that reminds me of Samwell. I promise only one more owl picture.

And since we’re on the topic of scenes they can cut, let’s go to Dorne. Shocker, Myrcella wants to stay and make out with Trystan more. Also, why all the y’s? Is everyone allergic to i’s in Westeros? Then we stumble upon the inevitable death of Bronn in the prison. Oh, and here’s the Sand Snakes. Great. Another scene with…wait…hmm. They uh…yeah. What was I saying? Sand Snakes are great right? I always say that. Don’t say it enough, quite frankly. Wait, whoa! NO! BRONN! BRONN! STAY WITH ME BUDDY! STOP LOOKING AT THOSE PHENOMENAL TITS AND SAVE YOUR GODDAMN SELF! GIVE HIM THE ANTIDOTE YOU SUCCUBUS! HE’S A TOP TEN CHARACTER! Thank you.

Quick aside for seriousness…why did this scene exist? To reveal that the Sand Snakes poison their blades too? Yeah, we figured. And if they were just trying to kill Bronn, why save him? I’m never gonna complain about seeing beautiful women get naked on Game of Thrones, but maybe make it a more useful scene. Like this NSFW scene. Or this NSFW scene. And remember the scene that preceded this line where you definitely weren’t listening to Littlefinger? You’re welcome.

On the subject of Littlefinger speaking truths in his brothel, Bae gets threatened by Olenna saying that unless Petyr (fucking y’s, seriously) solves this shit, she’s dropping the bomb that he’s the new Kingslayer. Luckily, he brings in nobody’s favorite Lannister, Lancel, to clean up his mess. This finally wiped the season long smirk off of Cersei’s face as she got hit by the most obvious double cross of all time. Really Cersei? You thought empowering a bunch of Seven-Pointed Star thumpers was a good idea when you’re captain of the adultery team and an incest hall of famer? Especially when there’s a dude working for them that you did both of those things with? I hope for your sake you look as good in jail as Margaery does.

Barn Owls...the Boltons of Owls. — Barn Owls…the Boltons of Owls. Only more creepy.

As for Sansa, she can be forgiven that she couldn’t foresee Reek staying in Ramsay’s corner. I mean, dude already sided with Ramsay over basically his entire family. I’m sure this isn’t the last move for Sansa, and I’m sure it will include attempting to drag Theon back to his senses, but until the time comes for Ramsay to die, I doubt that happens. And if you think it’s Ramsay’s time to die, let me remind you of our current power rankings of antagonists:

1) Ramsay Bolton and family

2) Sons of the Harpy

3) Melisandre

4) Littlefinger (is he an antagonist right now?)

5) Everyone at the Wall not named Sam or Gilly

That’s really about it. Like, the Faith Militant isn’t even really an antagonist since they arrested Cersei. Also, are we supposed to hate them since they stand up for all the poor people Game of Thrones doesn’t bother to talk about? Other than arresting Margaery, they haven’t really ruffled my feathers. Good shows have good antagonists, and like it or not, Ramsay should stay since he’s great to root against. At least until Reek finally kills the guy who drove him insane blowing his horn three whole seasons ago. And I’m not sure we’ll see that this season.

Season 5 may very well be setting up for the next one, which may even be a worthy sacrifice. A lot of paths should be clearer by then: Dany and Tyrion will have (hopefully) joined forces, Arya will be a trained bad-ass, and maybe Tommen will finally say something more useful than Hodor. But, hopefully, this season lights off some fireworks before going dark ’til next spring.

That’s all for this week, and as always, remember, don’t go along with Ramsay’s plan to let Theon escape, because he’ll probably shoot you at point blank range in the head with an arrow.

Game of Thrones Recap: Season 5 Episode 6 Unbowed, Unbent, Unbroken

May 19, 2015May 19, 2015 ~ Sam Holt ~ 1 Comment

(Spoiler Warning for all Game of Thrones TV material up to and including this episode.)

If each Game of Thrones episode was a drag race, the sixth episode of each season tends to be the one where the writers hit the nitrous button. The race itself is always exciting, but this is the moment that tends to make or break a season. In the past seasons, episode 6 has given us Ned Stark discovering that Robert is NOT the father, two demands for a trial by combat, Jon Snow first meeting Ygritte, and Dany getting really upset about something:

This episode certainly had its nitrous moments. The race isn’t over yet, but some plot lines are speeding towards a conclusion. But while it was barreling forward, it also hit some bumps in the road that could be leading to a catastrophe. So now, in pure contradiction to this paragraph, let’s start with the most boring part of the episode.

In an episode where many people are kidnapped or arrested, the one I want freed is there on their own free will. A lot of people (I was among them) were jacked up for the return of Jaqen H’ghar and the promise of Arya becoming a Faceless Man. Instead we’ve been treated to Arya being bitched out by the two people who can be spared lines and giving lots of dead body sponge baths. I mean, I get it. Should’ve seen the Karate Kid treatment coming, waxing on and off bodies as Jaqen Miyagi tells her she’s not ready. I guess I just expected a little more intrigue, maybe more recruits to form rivalries with Arya or something. Instead, we’re subjected to Arya washing a dead body, getting repeatedly physically assaulted by a grown man, tricking a small girl into killing herself, and touching the face of a decapitated head in a room full of thousands of decapitated heads. And would you believe me that none of those scenes were even near the most fucked up thing that happened this episode? Moving on…

After contracting Greyscale and finding out his father is dead, you would think things couldn’t get much worse for Jorah. Greyscale is pretty much a death sentence and his father, Jeor, only joined the Night’s Watch because of the shame Jorah brought to his family, which was ironically, through slave trading. But now, since they were captured by Mr. Eko, it seems like Jorah is just on a downward spiral. As always, Tyrion steals the scene, this time saving himself not by offering his family fortune (like last time), but by having a huge dick. Maybe his head wasn’t the best part of him after all…

And now, a brief interlude to character purgatory:

Bran Stark: Varys, welcome to purgatory!

Varys: Where the hell am I? Last thing I remember I was sitting in a brothel trying to figure out why they were so appealing, and then I ended up here.

Bran: Yeah, this is where characters with no story go to chill out for a while. Jorah really wanted out, so he kidnapped your boy Tyrion, and here you are.

Varys: Well that sucks, but I guess it’s better than being dead.

Balon Greyjoy: You can say that again!

Varys: Who else is here?

Bran: Well, Osha and Rickon have been here the longest. Hot Pie spends most of his time here. Meera is moping in the corner. Lancel Lannister had been here for years until just recently. Also, Thoros of Myr-

Hodor: HODOR!

Bran: Yeah, and Hodor is here.

Hodor (smugly): Hodor!

Bran: That never gets old.

Varys: Anyone else?

Bran: People have said they’ve seen the Hound limping around, but I’ll believe it when I see it. Also, like every living Tully and Frey.

Varys (painfully): Ah, SHIT! That dog fucking bit me!

Bran: Oh yeah, that’s Nymeria, she’s been here like the whole time, that’s all she’s good for.

Varys: Anything else I should know about?

Bran: Well there’s this one guy, that no one likes, because he constantly keeps-

Gendry:

Speaking of character purgatory, Olenna “Queen of Thorns” Tyrell finally returned this week, meaning that the sunny King’s Landing was about to get some shade. But while Lady Olenna would destroy Cersei in an episode of Wild ‘n Out, all she could do was watch while the Faith Militant put both her grandchildren behind bars. I have a few quick tangents to go on, so bare with me:

This caption belongs to Petyr Bae-*smack*

1) If Olyvar (the guy who’s sole job seems to be to inform people that the brothel is owned by Petyr Baelish and then immediately get assaulted) was Loras’ squire, couldn’t he plausibly have dressed him? I mean, Lancel did it for Robert in Season 1! Maybe that’s how he saw the Dorne-shaped birthmark on his thigh? I understand it’s hard to think under pressure like that, but surely if you just keep denying it, that can’t be enough proof to settle a he-said/she-said argument? Then again, the Faith Militant don’t exactly seem like the type that care about due process.

2) Margaery: Tommen! They arrested Loras, do something!

Tommen: Uh…

Margaery: Now they’re arresting me!

Tommen: Uh…

Margaery: And they’re killing everyone in the streets!

Tommen: Uh…

Margaery: And the whole city is on fire!

Tommen: Uh…

Margaery: And I forgot to feed Ser Pounce!

Tommen: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

3) Cersei is a well constructed villain that is very fun to root against, but even I’m bothered by how obvious this plot line is going. Sure, Cersei is clearly trying to be her father, someone she is too arrogant and not clever enough to be. And sure, pretending to not know what the Sparrows are up to might fly with your spineless teen-aged son, but you can’t expect the Tyrells to take this lying down? Olenna may be known for her barbs, but she’s also rich and has an army. Remember Sam’s dad who Stannis mentioned a couple episodes ago? He fights for the Tyrells. Cersei may think she’s won, but she’ll be sorely mistaken when she gets abandoned by the Tyrells and the Faith Militant shockingly start playing by their own rules in the next few weeks.

Good, good. Nice and slow, no need for anyone to get hurt.

Okay, so I saved the worst two parts for last. Now, I have not read the books, and will not spoil anything for the TV show that hasn’t been stated in the show. But book people kept telling me how great the Sand Snakes were and they mostly seem PO’d over the way they’ve been portrayed. I don’t blame them, since right now they look like scrubs. They just got handled by 2 dudes with 3 hands. Sure, Bronn got nicked by one of them. Does that mean he’ll die? No, of course- wait what? They poison their blades? Oh for fucks sake…

Listen. If Bronn dies because of them, that does not make them scary or threatening. It makes them seem lucky. Right now they seem like some mooks that just bother the real heroes, like Team Rocket, Draco Malfoy, or those weird garbage dogs from CatDog. But they’re not interesting. They’re not badass, they’re not funny, and they’re not sexy. Basically, they’re not Oberyn.

In Winterfell, some fucking bullshit happened. The writers of Game of Thrones are usually on point. But after this scene (and this interview), things are not looking good. I mean, is it realistic to the characters? Sure. Do worse things happen in the books? It certainly seems so. Do we need to see this scene in a visual medium? Fuck. No. Here’s the good thing for Sansa and the Starks. Ramsay’s getting his head fucking spiked. Stannis is rolling in, and if that doesn’t somehow park his ass, Littlefinger has made damn sure Cersei will take them down, and put her good ol’ uncle in charge! Finally, Sansa can be at peace, and her and Littlefinger can…oh wait shit, best case scenerio she ends up with Littlefinger? This guy? THIS FUCKING GUY? Arya, stop playing with severed heads and save your goddamn sister!

That’s mercifully all for this week, and as always, don’t be named “the Tickler.”

Game of Thrones Recap: Season 5 Episode 5 Kill The Boy

May 16, 2015May 16, 2015 ~ Sam Holt ~ Leave a comment

(Spoilers up until the current episode of Game of Thrones.)

Man, I hope everyone likes the North, cause we got a lot of that this week. Skipping out on King’s Landing (one of only 3 episodes in the series to not feature the capital), the focus was squarely on those in the colder and coldest parts of Westeros. And the stories of Castle Black and Winterfell may be entangled soon as Stannis has begun to march on the Boltons. But before everyone starts swinging their dicks around trying to decide whether Roose’s or Ramsay’s head will look better on a spike, you need to realize what world we’re watching. Shall we have a quick recap of the moments where people were seemingly about to get their comeuppance?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Knq_7MfHO0o

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QS2IYyywZMs

It’s much more likely that Davos is gonna end up flayed while Princess Shireen is forced to watch.

There's a joke here about Shakira and Pinocchio... — There’s a joke here about Shakira and Pinocchio…

Speaking of being forced to watch, Ramsay is commanding Michael Scott levels of awkwardness at the table. But after Ramsay dropped Reek’s marionette, he got a surprise from dear old dad: he’s gonna be a brother. Now, here’s some knowledge for those who don’t know/haven’t paid close attention/forgot: Ramsay was a brother already. Roose had a true-born son that mysteriously died. It’s assumed Ramsay had a part in it. Now, it’s true that Ramsay is indeed a legitimized son of Roose Bolton. But, Roose controls his own heir. Kinda like how Renly figured he should get the throne just cause he and Loras thought Stannis was a shithead. So Roose could double back on Ramsay and call this child his heir. And that’s a thorn in Ramsay’s side the size of Myranda’s hipbone.

Also, to celebrate Mother’s Day, Game of Thrones gave us the weirdest, sociopathic, oddly heartfelt father son moment of all time. They couldn’t have missed the mark more. It is funny that Roose doesn’t so much mind that his son is a psychopathic serial killer, he just doesn’t like that he’s being a shitbag all the time. Especially since Roose is basically a serial killer himself, so you know, they can bond over that. He just wants Ramsay to know he cares for him, especially so Ramsay won’t kill him or his new child. Though, I’m not sure Roose’s story about raping his mother and almost killing him was as touching to Ramsay as Roose hoped it would be.

Over in Mereen, Dany provided the music video that should’ve been for that Fall Out Boy song. After Barristan Selmy got shanked in an alley, Dany decided to throw a bunch of the old slave masters to her dragons. She ended up only roasting one, but it was still pretty effed up. And if you’re feeling sorry for the one that did die, don’t. Homeboy should’ve thought that situation out and gone to the sides. Let’s break it down. You’re in a straight line getting bumped forward by spears. Can’t change that, but that doesn’t mean you can’t increase your chances of survival. Here’s a very detailed chart proving my point:

It is clear the slave masters on the edges are much safer from Zak and Wheezie.

It is clear the edge slavers are farther away from the dragons, meaning they are less likely to be targeted or even get residual burns. Also, Dany’s not walking around a lot, and she’s not gonna push her beau, Hipster zoo Lorax or whatever his name is. Easily survivable encounter, if you just use your head. Much like the men’s bathroom, it’s all about positioning.

Where's Rick Grimes when you need him... — Where’s Rick Grimes when you need him…

And now we land with Tyrion and Jorah, who took a wrong turn in ancient Valyria and found themselves in an episode of the Walking Dead. Seriously, ice zombies weren’t enough, they had to toss in some stone ones too. So evidently, the Stone Men are what happens if Princess Scaleface just got that shit everywhere like the worst case of poison ivy (note: I tried to find an image for that and ended up clawing my eyes out). And it’s evidently super contagious, since just getting touched is a death sentence. That’s hardcore. Walking Dead would’ve ended after 4 episodes if you couldn’t even be touched. And that would’ve been awful, since the Walking Dead now employees like half the cast of The Wire.

And finally, a reenactment of Jon talking to Olly about bringing the Wildlings south of the Wall:

Jon: Olly, be honest, you’re cool with this right?

Olly: THEY KILLED MY GODDAMN PARENTS!

Jon: Yeah, I know how that feels, my dad was killed.

Olly: Oh, I’m sorry, did you watch your dad die?

Jon: Well, no, but-

Olly: And watch your mom get hacked to death by a giant axe-wielding cannibal?

Jon: Well, funny thing about my mom is-

Olly: And then watch everyone you’ve ever known get slaughtered?

Jon: I mean, my brother got murdered recently, and his wife, who I heard was sorta hot, and-

Olly: Oh, and then one of them had the decency to tell me HE WAS GOING TO EAT MY PARENTS!

*long pause*

Jon:…I’m gonna put you down as a maybe.

That’s it, and remember, if you try to get paid by Littlefinger for keeping a secret, think of better last words than “Wait!”

Shut Up Bender

by Sam Holt

TV

For the Watchers: S6E8 “No One”

For The Watchers: S6E7 “The Broken Man”

For the Watchers: S6E6 “Blood of My Blood”

For the Watchers: S6E5 “The Door”

For the Watchers: S6E4 “Book of the Stranger”

For The Watchers: Game of Thrones Season 6 Preview

Game of Thrones Recap: Season 5 Episode 9 “The Dance of Dragons”

Game of Thrones Recap: Season 5 Episode 7 “The Gift”

Game of Thrones Recap: Season 5 Episode 6 Unbowed, Unbent, Unbroken

Game of Thrones Recap: Season 5 Episode 5 Kill The Boy