*Spoilers for Game of Thrones up to the current episode*
Things happen fast in the Game of Thrones universe. Kids become adults. Littlefinger makes a 500 mile journey in one episode. And Sansa steps up and starts holding her own. It’s about time someone realized Lord Baelish was a total dickhead. When Sansa called him out on how awful of a decision it was to give her to Ramsay, she says what we were all thinking last year (“If you didn’t know, you’re an idiot. If you did know, you’re my enemy.”) With her Baelish banishment though, Sansa appears to be more of a Stark than previously thought, as she throws away the Vale, probably one of (if not, THE) largest army in the Seven Kingdoms, for honor. They haven’t fought in any wars, and they were willing to fight for her. Not saying she’s not right…but I’m just saying the last person to choose honor over pragmatism ended up getting most of his family stabbed. However, trusting Littlefinger got basically the rest of that family stabbed, so it’s really a lose lose.
Looks like there’s a new Red Woman in town! Can’t be Melisandre because she was on screen for five whole minutes and not once did she take her top off. Seriously, Melisandre should be looking at this new priest like Cersei looked at Margaery. She even scared the shit out of Varys. That butterball literally exists to know shit, and this chick knew such intense deep shit about him he looked like someone told him Radiohead was a bad band. Honestly, if I lived in this universe, sign me up for some R’hllor. Hot priests resurrecting you while you just have to super hope you don’t have kings blood in you? Done and done. Where do I sign? Hey, what’re you doing with that leech?
Meanwhile, at the Kingsmoot…
Yara: I deserve to be queen!
Random Ironborn: What about Theon?
Theon: Guys, Yara is the best queen the Ironborn could possibly have. She’s a great leader, a great reaver, and she will-
Euron: Where’s your cock?
Theon: What?
Euron: I have a great penis, I should be King.
Theon: Dude, literally all you’ve done is throw my dad off a bridge and been an asshole.
Euron: Yes, but do either of you have a penis?
Yara: What does having a penis have to do with being a good ruler?
Euron: Basically everything. Whoever has the best penis is the best ruler everyone knows that.
*Ironborn mostly shrug and nod in agreement*
Yara: That makes literally no sense. If anything, caring about your penis definitely makes you a worse ruler.
Euron: Yes, but have you ever had a penis?
Theon: I have.
Euron: How’s that working out for you?
Theon: YARA DESERVES TO BE QUEEN!
Euron: May I remind the jury this man is completely devoid of a penis.
Theon: GODDAMMIT! My character has depth! I’m on a redemption story, regaining confidence, and I’m sick of my only descriptive detail is “that guy with no dick!”
*waves crash against the rocks, as a long silence fills the air*
Random Ironborn: …so you don’t have a penis?
Theon: That’s it. Fuck you guys. I’m going to Essos.
And now we finally come to the shitshow beyond the Wall. Bran Stark is probably indirectly responsible for more deaths than the Great Chicago Fire. Starts from day 1. Hey idiot, mom said don’t climb the castle. How’d that work out for you? You crippled your dumb legs and started a war. Maybe if you spent a little more time listening to mom she would’ve been gushing about how awesome your legs are rather than gushing blood from her severed jugular vein. Then there was Osha and Rickon. Send them to the Umbers he said. It’ll be fine he said. That ended with Shaggydog’s head as a Captain Hook popsicle and Osha getting skewered like a shish kebab. I’ll give him a pass on Jojen since that cryptic dingus knew it was coming, but this. THIS is all on Bran. If you’re going to have unsanctioned warging, you could’ve at least had the decency to check out the ending of the Tower of Joy scene. But no, you go visit the army of the dead and get yourself found out. You killed an entire ancient race, your warging Mr. Miagi, your fucking dog, and are directly responsible not only for Hodor’s death, but for his entire fucking sad existence. Dude was perfectly happy just ambling around tending horses and unlike Theon, actively having a huge penis. Then you melted his brain and made the point of his entire existence to save your dumbass self. Frankly Bran is the real villain of this series. Meera should just leave him before he gets her lit on fire.
Quick Hits:
- RIP Summer. You were always the dog who’s name I knew second most.
- “And you Daario? Do you love me?” “…oh hey, look at the sun, I gotta go…horse.”
- Davos: With what army are we supposed to take Winterfell?
Sansa: I’ve got the Blackfish in Riverrun.
Davos: You got the Blackfish?
Sansa: You feel better motherfucker?
Davos: Shiiiiiit, that’s all you had to say! - You have to drown to become king of the Iron Islands? Man, Tommen only had to watch his brother get brutally murdered in front of him.
- So for those of you scoring at home, if the Night’s King touches you, he can enter cheat codes that allows him to find you and enter your magically blocked super secret base. Don’t bother trying to figure out why, it just makes sense, okay!
- Arya’s upset because they make her dad look stupid. That’s certainly unfair, because all he did was accept the King’s Hand position, side with Catelyn arresting Tyrion with no evidence, threaten the queen, refuse help from Renly, and trust Littlefinger.
- Give me an “Edd Tollett, Lord Commander” sitcom, and give it to me now.
- Meera: Hold the door!
Hodor: Hodor! *Hodor thoughtfully holds the door open for the wights*
Meera: HODOR NOOOOO! - Good luck to Jorah for finding a cure to greyscale in the land where child birth is still a 50/50 shot.
- I’m hoping Bronn returns next week. Not sure what he could do though. Maybe he’ll go back to Dorne. Sidenote, that is literally the only reason I’d want to go back to Dorne.
And finally, in memory of Hodor, the reigning penis champion of Westeros (look it up if you want, I’m certainly not linking it), I’ve decided to crown a new champion. Now, I have no way of knowing this, and it’s all speculation, but…I have a pretty good idea:
Shut Up Bender 