Let’s be real.  The Force Awakens could be utter dog shit and most people will be in hysterical tears, violently convulsing in their BB-8 shirts.  Chances are, it’ll at least be a competent movie.  But then again, the last generation went through this already.

Now, there’s a whole generation of twenty and thirty somethings that have been waiting for this day.  Everyone feels entitled to a good new Star Wars movie, because like it or not, we have yet to see one in our lifetimes.  But that’s just like our generation, expecting a hand out from mommy and daddy’s generation (even though they straight up took all the jobs).  And I know what you’re thinking.  “But Bender, J.J. Abrams is a fan just like the rest of us!”  True, but even George Lucas started out sharp.  American Graffiti is straight fire, and then to go back to back with Star Wars and Indiana Jones?  Unheard of.  Man was more spotless than stainless steel bathing in every Billy Mays product.  Then, 15 years later, he just took 3 heaping, putrid shits.  Just plop, plop, plop.  Fuck, you can call it 4 if you toss in Indiana Jones and the End of Shia LeBeouf’s Career.

So what does all that have to do with J.J. Abrams?  Well, we’ll get to that theory a little bit later.  But my main point is this: there’s a real chance this movie is horse garbage.  The last three were, and optimism can only carry you so far.  I’m always cynical, it’s my nature.  Keeps you from being disappointed.  But, I’m finally going to use my powers of cynicism for good.  Here’s how you should react to the various twists and turns in this movie:

If Luke is the Bad Guy

There’s a theory going around that the masked bad guy is gonna be Luke, cause…of course.   It’s a good homage to the original trilogy, and it will make for an amazing reveal.  Plus, the brooding silent bad guy is never enough on his own…unless he looks like an evil spiky tomato that changed the lightsaber game forever.

Then again, it’s a little too easy, too obvious, and gives too many arrogant fans the chance to proclaim how they guessed it on every social media platform you consume.  This one included.

How should you react?

Who are you kidding?  If Mark Fucking Hamill is under that mask you’re giving him a standing O in the theater.  And praising him on his lightsaber evolution.  Those things have been around awhile, takes a real master to come up with a crossguard.

If the acting is bad

Look.  I like nice guy storm trooper and new Natalie Portman as much as the next guy.  But Star Wars can hinge a lot on acting.  Sometimes it can’t be helped.  Jake Lloyd was just a kid, and Ewan McGregor wasn’t exactly given Citizen Kane to work with.  Natalie Portman did her best to get that cheesy love story off the ground.  But, Hayden Christensen.  Man.  That kid couldn’t show proper emotion if his life depended on it.  I’ve seen mannequins more alive than him.  The only reason Rachel Bilson is with him is because he believes her orgasms.  He also may be the only person who was watching Hart of Dixie.

But Mannequin Skywalker aside, this film could be trouble if the cast doesn’t crush it.  And are we really expecting the returning cast of 60 and 70 year olds to still have their fastball?

How should you react?

Bad acting can be salvaged with good plot and fantastic set pieces.  Doubt anyone will be talking about the acting regardless of the performances, so keep it to yourself unless its hilariously bad like the new trilogy.

What if Lost is somehow tied into this?

Disney Executive: Mr. Abrams?  Can we speak to you about the reveal in Act 3?

J.J. Abrams: Which one is that?

DE: The…the one where you pan out of Kashyyyk and its revealed that there’s a plane crash…

JA: Oh, that one.

DE: Yeah…

JA:  Cool huh?

DE:  Not exactly my word for it, no.

JA:  Why, what’s wrong?

DE:  Don’t you think doing a universe crossover with a 5 year old TV show that has aged into a pop culture laughingstock is a bad idea?

JA:  Hey don’t drag Fringe into this!

DE: I wasn’t talking about Fringe!  Fringe didn’t have a plane crash!

JA:  Did you not watch Fringe?

DE: No one watched Fringe!

JA: I just wanted Terry O’Quinn to get work again!

DE: You can’t do a Lost crossover!

JA:

If a main character from the old series bites the dust

In a deleted scene for an episode of Parks and Recreation, professional nerd Patton Oswalt launched into a filibuster on the his idea for the new Star Wars movie.  About halfway through, he reveals that Chewbacca is killed in his version and Leslie Knope immediately exclaims “The kids aren’t gonna like that!”  Now, that’s obviously just a fantastic comedy show that makes your life have less worth if you haven’t seen it…BUT, there’s a real point to be made there.  J.J. Abrams has killed beloved characters before.  Even in lucrative properties.  Like Star Trek (well, he didn’t, and everyone knew he wasn’t going to kill Kirk, but man, they certainly tried really hard to make you think he was). Just don’t come crying to me if a Storm Trooper finally hits his shot and it catches old Han between the eyes.

How should you react?

Be devastated.  We have at least 2 more movies after this.  Seriously, who doesn’t wanna see Han and Chewie jugglin’ and smugglin’ their way through the new trilogy?  If/when it happens, be prepared to cry.  No one will blame you, and if they do, they’re a heartless bastard that probably hates dogs and loves kale and racism.

If there’s time travel

Which brings me back to the possible troubles of Mr. Abrams.  You see, J.J. Abrams fucking loves time travel.  Basically every show he does involves it in some way.  Hell, even Felicity did, and that was basically just a college drama.  And if you’re thinking “well, he wouldn’t do that to a major franchise like Star Wars,” well…

You just can’t rule it out.  You’re thinking, “Oh man, what a great movie with a normal, easy to comprehend plot” and then BAM, you’re in Tattoine watching old Luke burn his uncle and aunt to a crisp to spark the entire franchise.  It won’t make any sense, but he’ll do it.  Just watch.

How should you react?

Laugh.  Cry.  Be one of the weird people that applauds in a movie theater like anyone who made it is listening.  It’s fucking Star Wars.  And it is awesome.