Season 8

For the Watchers: Season 8 Episode 6 “The Iron Throne”

~ Sam Holt ~ 1 Comment

Brany

*Spoilers for every episode of GoT ever*

Say what you want about the finale but I think we can all agree on one thing:  it certainly was a finale.  Dany’s time on the Iron Throne lasted an exhilarating 17 seconds before Jon Snow finally gave her the shaft for the first time this season.  Unfortunately for her, it wasn’t the shaft she wanted and she got stuck.  It was a hell of a 7.5 seasons for Dany, who went from liberating slaves from their chains to liberating women and children from their mortal coils.  In the end, she needed to go, and it’s a shame it had to come from her fuck buddy/nephew Jon.

Ghost
Also, Jon Snow just gets Ghost back?  After he didn’t even pet him?  Fuck that, Drogon should’ve lit that turd up.

Everything felt a little rushed: I would’ve liked to have seen some characters get a better send off.  Like, it would’ve been nice for Arya to have done something in regards to her interests.  She could’ve become a professional assassin or a consultant for the City Watch, since she has such a talent for spotting killers after they’ve already torched tens to hundreds of thousands of people.  But nah, like a Baby Boomer going through a mid-life crisis, she bought a boat and is all about sailing now.  And Jon goes north of the Wall where he’s exiled to appease…a dude that left for Essos?  And the North isn’t part of the Kingdom anymore?  Can’t he just like scoot back to Winterfell and hang out? And isn’t Davos married?  Like what the fuck must his wife think at this point…

Meanwhile, at the Afterlife…

Dany:  So I’m dead?

Varys:  I’m afraid so…

Dany:  So then, who’s on the Iron Throne?  Jon?

Varys:  A council of the Lords of Westeros have named Brandon of House Stark…

Cersei:  WHAT?!  THAT FUCKING TWERP?!

Jaime:  Should’ve thrown him out of two windows.

Dany:  And people are happy with this?

Varys:  Well, yes, basically, he’s way better than any of you…

Joffrey:  YOU FUCKING BALD DICKLESS BITCH I’LL CUT YOU WITH-

Varys:  With what?  We’re both dead, and I won.

Littlefinger:  Easy to say when your only condition for winning was “someone not crazy”

Varys:  You’d be shocked how hard that was.

Robert:  THEN WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME?

Varys:  This, like, basically exactly this…

Robert:  YOU CHOOSE A FUCKING STARK?  TOSSERS, THE LOT OF THEM!

Ned:  Suck it, Robert!  I waited 7 seasons for us to do something cool!

Robert:  IF I STILL HAD MY HAMMER I’D CAVE IN YOUR HEADS WITH ONE STROKE!

Oberyn:  Please, don’t talk about caving in heads…

Dany:  But honestly, what has he done to deserve it?

Robert:  DOES HE HAVE STRENGTH?

High Sparrow:  Does he have faith?

Littlefinger:  Does he have cunning?

Tommen:  Does he have a cat?

Varys:  No…he has wisdom.

Tywin:  Hey, that’s my line!

Varys:  Yeah, sorry, forgot about that…Gods there’s a lot of people here…

Jorah:  Dany, now that we’re dead, do you think we could…

Dany:  Oops, I think I see Drogo over there, sorry bud…

Jorah:  *jumps out ethereal window*

Ed
Definitely not you…

Lastly, I would’ve liked to see the other Small Council spots filled, even if they were incredibly forced.  That being said, there’s literally only a couple characters with nothing to do that are still alive.  Yara as Master of War makes some sense, and it brings her into the fold.  But like for Master of Laws?  I don’t know…Yohn Royce?  Literally, after Yara and Royce, I’m going to blindly give Master of Whispers to the character with the highest episode count who:
A) Is alive in Westeros
B) Doesn’t already have a position they’re currently fulfilling
C) Doesn’t reside in the North or north of the Wall.
D) Is not Gendry, cause he blew the one secret he needed to keep immediately.

So who’s left after all of those qualifiers?  Ladies and Gentleman, your new Master of Whispers…HOT PIE!

chair
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS, CHAIR!

Quick Hits:

1) Drogon:  JON, WHO KILLED MY MOM?!
Jon:  Uh…it was…
Drogon:  WAS IT THE POINTY CHAIR?
Jon:  Uh yeah, the chair stabbed her.
Drogon:  FUCK YOU POINTY CHAIR!

2) Dany’s ability to project never ceases to amaze me.  She’s never needed a microphone to talk to her armies or even entire cities on a giant wall.  Although the Dothraki were probably just pumped they got to sack something again.

3) Somewhere, there’s a Lord in the Reach that’s pretty miffed he never got offered the Highgarden while basically every other menacing person got it dangled in front of them.

4) Yara:  Some of you are quick to forgive, but the Ironborn will not forgive-
Arya:  I’ll slit your throat.
Yara:  All hail King Bran, y’all can have the Iron Islands, buncha rocks anyway…

5) Gendry keeping the Stormlands is the biggest case of “no take-backsies” I’ve ever seen.

6) Poor Daario Naharis.  He could’ve at least been the head of the Golden Company, like if you had no plan for him, why not just add another layer of betrayal?  Plus, him fighting Grey Worm would’ve meant more, especially after their figurative dick swinging contest in season 4.

7) My man, Ser Podrick Fucking Payne not only managed to make it through to the end, but became a fucking Kingsguard.  No wonder Bronn wants the brothels back, there’s no way he’s getting any with that legend swinging that stick around.

8) Tyrion:  You’ll be joining the Night’s Watch again.
Jon:  But it’s not needed…
Tyrion:  But we need to exile people somewhere
Jon:  Fine, at least Sam will be there.
Tyrion:  Well, about that…

9) I know this ultimately doesn’t matter but like…who marries Sansa now?  I literally can’t name a living male Northman.  Literally every male Northerner that had a name in this show is dead or the King of Westeros.

10)  Overall, I’d just like to say, the ultimate winner of Game of Thrones has to be Tormund.  He got to fight everything he could ever imagine and won.  And though he never landed Brienne, he gets to spend the rest of his days getting hammered with his best friend, Jon Snow!

Thank you so much to everyone who read, liked, and shared this blog!  It’s been a joy to do it and I’m glad so many of you read them over the past 4 seasons!

Valar Morghulis

For the Watchers: Season 8 Episode 5 “The Bells”

~ Sam Holt ~ Leave a comment

Varys last

**Spoilers for this episode of Game of Thrones**

While watching this episode, I found myself reflecting on the series a lot.  The implications of what were happening were monumental, but I kept coming back to one conversation had between Varys and Olenna Tyrell in Season 3.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cFZen-XO5II&t=3m18s

At the end of this conversation, Varys says perhaps his most famous line of series.  “But he would see this country burn if he could be king of the ashes.”  Of course, in this scene he’s talking about Littlefinger.   While watching this episode, obviously my mind was on another person…

Prozac
If you or a loved one is suffering from not being queen of Westeros, try new Burnthemol TM

Dany has gone full Mad Queen.  The revelation was a slow burn, unlike King’s Landing, which was more of a broil.  Her ruthlessness and paranoia had peaked in recent episodes with the loss or betrayal of the majority of her allies (and like, whatever Theon was).  Still, to see a character proclaimed ‘mother’ by the slaves she liberated turn into the worst war criminal in the show’s history is…well…at least a slight change.  But she has chosen fear over mercy, as she told Jon right after he refused to fuck her for the second time in as many episodes.  Like c’mon man.  Can’t you just throw a girl a bone when she’s down?  And I mean a bone.  Like fuck, man.  Literally.  At best, it shows her how love is better than fear and maybe thousands of people don’t die.  At worst, you have sex with a crazy cat lady whose cat is a fire-breathing weapon of mass destruction.

Meanwhile, outside of what was King’s Landing

Dany:  Phew, I’m beat, what a long day…

Tyrion:  A long d-  A LONG DAY?!?!

Dany:  Yikes, what’s up with you?

Tyrion:  YOU ROASTED TENS OF THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE ALIVE!

Dany:  Can you believe this guy?

Jon:  YOU FUCKING BURNED THE WHOLE CITY!

Dany:  Why are you guys blaming me for something Sansa basically did?

Tyrion:  ARE YOU-

Jon:  My sister-

Dany:  Cousin.

Tyrion: -FUCKING-

Jon:  -did not just massacre untold numbers of innocent-

Tyrion:  -KIDDING ME?!

Jon:  …people.

Dany:  *fake cries with baby voice* Oh waah.  I’m all butt-huwt cause a wittle town wif some randos went bye-bye.

Davos:  THAT WAS THE CITY I GREW UP IN!

Dany:  And it can be the city you die in too- hang on, here’s my boi.

Grey Worm:  KHALEESI!

*Dany and Grey Worm perform an elaborate handshake with multiple steps that goes on for a full minute.  Multiple high fives, couple booty bumps, a backflip, the whole 9…*

Dany:  Remember when the people were like “oh my god, scary dragon, I hope she doesn’t-”

Grey Worm:  And then…

Dany:  WASTED

*Both laugh while the others look on noticeably horrified*

Tyrion:  My brother was in there…

Dany:  Wait, you let him escape?

Grey Worm:  Dude, that’s fucked up.

jc
“…also, I fucked Brienne.  My b.”

Finally, we come to twincest couple of the year, Jaime and Cersei, getting a weird final moment together.  If you told me 5 years ago they would die together, I’d say that kinda made sense, especially if they killed each other.  But if you told me they died under the Red Keep while it was crumbling on top of them while Cersei begged for her unborn child’s life while Jaime bled to death from a wound inflicted by EURON GREYJOY….well, I would’ve still probably believed you and gotten really fucking mad that some time travel wizard used their powers just to ruin the show for me.  I liked late game Jaime a lot.  He used his powers of wit for good, was the straight man in a lot of great scenes with scene stealing characters like Tyrion, Olenna, and Bronn, and took Brienne’s virginity…which was a thing that certainly happened.  Cersei was the villain the show absolutely needed an episode after it lost Ramsay, and boy did she deliver.  Now its her time to step out of the way for the only villain that could eclipse her levels of monstrosity…and also, definitely, the last one.

GC
Do you know they bothered to name this dude?  Harry Strickland.  No, I didn’t just make that up, look it up, you’ll be the first person to care about him all day.

Quick Hits:

1)  Poor Varys lasted almost the entire show, always serving the realm from the shadows.  Its been a bad season for the dickless so far, with Grey Worm getting the best of the deal by only having to watch his true love beheaded in front of him.

2) Dany’s execution pronunciation of Varys was very matter-of-fact.  Felt like Anne Robinson from the Weakest Link.  “You are the weakest link.  Dracarys.”

3) Dany: This is the only thing left of Missandei, I want you to have it…
Grey Worm:  *throws it in the fire*
Dany:  Okay bitch-

4) The Queensguard was evidently more of a one-man team than the late-2000s Cavs.

5)  I can’t speak much to the Clegane Bowl because it speaks for itself.  It was perfect, from Qyburn getting hilariously dispatched to the Hound finally facing all his fears head on to consummate his revenge.

6) Euron’s the kinda guy that scores a hat-trick on a losing team and celebrates like he won.

7) Big ups to the dude that played the leader of the Golden Company that probably got a pretty decent pay day for a couple days of work.  I think they spent more time talking about the Golden Company than they did showing it get slaughtered.

8)  If you’re one of the few Dothraki that survived…you had quite the ride huh?  Went from serving under Khal Drogo, best Khal in the Dothraki Sea, to following some lady that willingly burned herself alive to hatch not 1, not 2, but fucking 3 DRAGONS.  THEN SHE WAS UNBURNT!  Then you languished through a bunch of slave cities, fighting here and there, until you had to take a wooden horse across the sea, before going to like the coldest place ever, fighting the literal dead with a flame sword, and then, after all that shit, you FINALLY GET TO SACK THE BIGGEST CITY ON THE CONTINENT!  Wooo, Dothraki, you the real winners.

I literally cannot wait to see what the last episode has in store…literally anything could happen in those last 80 minutes.  See you one final time, next week.

For the Watchers: Season 8 Episode 3 “The Long Night”

~ Sam Holt ~ Leave a comment

Thrones803Main*Spoilers through this episode of Game of Thrones*

All the chatter I’ve heard over this episode is pretty divisive.  I’ve heard people call it the best episode of Game of Thrones and I’ve heard others call it straight up bad.  I’ve heard people complain that they couldn’t see anything because of the darkness, and I’ve heard others say it increased the dramatic tension.  I’ve heard some people say there weren’t enough deaths and I’ve heard other people say not enough Brans died.  Okay, that last one was mostly me.  In the end, I’m personally just glad that the Ice Zombies are done and dusted.  Now we’re on to King’s Landing for what might be a triple-threat match for the Iron Throne.  While, currently, Dany and the North remain aligned, the next episode will be a big deal for them.  There’s multiple people that can be swayed to each side, and the fact that we get this kind of political intrigue instead of watching a bunch of frozen fucking dead dudes just ravage everything is just so goddamn satisfying.  Thank you, Arya, for giving me my last season back.  I always hoped Westeros’ favorite baby-faced assassin would get to play a prominent role, but I never thought it would be the MOST prominent role.  She fucking saved the entire world.  She told the haters and that twerp the God of Death where to stick it.  And it was with the pointy end. 

gm
So like…I guess they’re actually just going back to Essos now…huh.

Now, onto another big division, which was, well, the lack of deaths.  It seemed like many expected this episode to be a bloodbath.  And when it came down to it, the side of the living only had 6 named deaths.  And of those 6, only 3 see their names in the opening credits (Jorah, Theon, and the recently returned Melisandre).  Last week, out of the 11 predictions I made, only 3 of the people I spoke about had a greater than zero chance to die.  Of those 3, two did die (Jorah and Theon) while the other – Bran – stayed alive…well, like, however alive his witchy ass is these days.  But, even still, I’d still say I was wildly off. As I alluded to within the blog, I expected a ton of lesser names to die.  I mean, look at the classic signs!  Grey Worm and Missandei both talked about their retirement.  Survived.  Davos talked about how many battles he’s already lived through.  Survived.  Gendry and Arya fucking boned!  Survived.  I should’ve expected the rules of normal conventional storytelling don’t apply to Game of Thrones since they lopped off their main character’s head at the end of Season 1.  Look, I’m happy those people all survived, along with Podrick and Tormund.  Fucking unbelievable.  But to only kill Beric, Lyanna, and Edd seemed weak.  Though, I guess there’s still a lot of time left in the show, and plenty of more potentials deaths.  Still, I’d advise no more retirement plans or fornication until the show is over, just to be safe.  You especially, Podrick, keep that damn hammer in your pants!

varys
That statue has a better chance of killing a wight than Varys

Meanwhile, in the crypts…

Tyrion:  Gods, I should be up there!  This is ridiculous…

Sansa:  Tyrion, you’d get bodied, calm down and stay here.

Varys:  Yeah, Tyrion, its fine, just stay down here.

Tyrion:  Wait, why the fuck are you down here?

Varys:  Beg your pardon?

Tyrion:  Why is everyone else out there while you’re in here?

Varys:  Well, I’m not much of a fighter, so I came in with the women and the children.

Sansa:  Lyanna is both and she’s out there.

Varys:  Yeah, but, like, I have no dick…

Missandei:  Neither does Grey Worm.

Sansa:  Or Theon.

Varys:  I’m scared to fight!

Gilly:  So is Sam, and that bumbling sack of wet naps killed a White Walker.

Varys:  I’ve never killed anyone!

Tyrion:  You killed-

Varys:  Only in the books!

Tyrion:  Oh, for fuck’s sake.

Varys: What do you want me to do, snitch on the Night King?

Tyrion: …actually yeah, you got anything?

Varys:  He’s actually self-conscious about his height.

Tyrion: …

Before we go to quick hits, I’d like to touch upon the big deaths.  Theon and Jorah, both of whom had 8 seasons of storylines that came to a compelling close on Sunday, both went out in style, defending what their honor demanded.  Theon, finally atoning for taking Winterfell form Bran in Season 2, gave his life moronically bravely charging the fucking Night King before getting swiftly dispatched.  Though, honestly…I know Theon was never a noteworthy fighter, but pretty shitty to go out losing a spear vs sword matchup at mid-range.  Also, Jorah, after leading a charge at death itself, managed to use his last breaths defending Dany from a horde basically single-handed.  Dany had to put in a few weak-ass stabs because Drogon got his ass swarmed with wights like a bunch of angry remora on a whale shark (sorry, I’ve been watching a lot of David Attenborough ocean documentaries lately).  I always had a soft spot for Jorah, Lord Commander of the Friend-Zone, but he had some great scenes in the first season, and really came into his own with the bantering with Tyrion (still one of my favorite scenes) and his undying commitment to Dany.  And lastly, Melisandre, who really was a character I didn’t have any real care for (which is shocking for a red head), but she turned out to be a hugely impactful character within this series.  Admittedly she had one of the grossest child birth scenes in TV history and burned a child alive, but like, woo!  Sexy fire magic!

Quick Hits:

Screen-Shot-2019-04-30-at-12.44.37-PM
“MAYBE IF I SHOUT AT IT, IT WILL GO AWAY”

1) You know a part of Jon Snow thought he scared that dragon to death.  He was probably walking around all cocksure like he saved the day before he saw Arya over that pile of ice.

2) Overall, bad night for Jon Snow.  Dude just rode a dragon like shit, almost got smoked like 10 times, and then got bailed out by his sister.  Dany probably wishing she didn’t friend-zone Jorah right about now…

3) Jorah:  I’ll lead the Dothraki charge to break their lines and destroy the Night King!
Dany:  And if that does not work, I shall ride Drogon and have him breathe fire on the Night King!
Jon:  And if that does not work I will lure the Night King to Bran and destroy him with my Valyrian steel sword.
Bran:  And I’ll send birds after him.
Jon:  What…what’s that gonna do?
Bran:  Oh, he’s gonna be so pissed.

4) I’d like to quickly pour a couple out for the other dead.  Lyanna Mormont was a fucking beast in every scene she was in, and this was no different; absolutely legendary way to go out.  Edd was made into quite a nice little character slowly but surely from Season 2 on.  I figured he’d be going out in this episode, but his death still stung.  Beric I thought I could care less about, but at least they made his death plot relevant, which was a nice touch.

5) Curious to see what happens to Sam now…like there doesn’t need to be a Night’s Watch.  And Jorah doesn’t need his sword.  So like can he go be mayor of Tarlytown?  Dany can be like “Hey Sam, here’s the Reach, sorry I cooked your family medium-well.”

6) Arya with that Julian Edelman adjustment. Not crazy to say that the Night King blew a Falcons’-esque lead.

The next three episodes are now seemingly taking shape, with a few big questions remaining.  Does Daenerys have enough strength left to take the Iron Throne?  What will she do about the North?  What sides will Jon, Tyrion, and Jaime ultimately pick?  So many questions that we finally will get answered in the coming weeks, and I can’t wait!

For the Watchers: Season 8 Episode 2 “A Knight of the Seven Kingdoms”

~ Sam Holt ~ Leave a comment

game-thrones-season-8-episode-2-how-watch

*Spoilers for Game of Thrones through this episode*

This episode was a delight for the longtime viewers of Game of Thrones.  We rarely see anyone relaxing in this show, and with a season jam-packed with action to come, it was a breath of fresh air to take one last look at the path we took to get here.  I don’t have a ton to say about it, cause it mostly speaks for itself and there weren’t a lot of plot relevant details (besides the little chestnut of Jon telling Dany he’s the real heir to the Iron Throne BUT ANYWAY).  So instead, lets take a moment to predict how each major player will fare in next week’s battle, while taking some time to relive some of the best deaths over the course of the show:

**A quick warning: I speculate on the characters’ chances of survival of the next episode (with no insider knowledge)…but if you want remain completely blind to any speculation, please steer clear of the next section.**

5a54ecac-af8f-46f9-aede-e58a93938285
I just found the picture that made him look the tallest…short guys need to stick together.

Jon Snow

Guys, its Jon Snow.  He might not be the tallest guy that’s fucked Dany, but he can swing a sword.  He’s gonna be riding a dragon during the battle, and then a dragon is gonna be riding him after the battle.
Chances of death: 0 Karl head stabs out of 5

Daenerys Targaryen

I mean she might lose a dragon, but her plot armor is still too thick to catch the big L in the sky this early in the season.
Chances of death: 0 Dracarys out of 5

Tyrion Lannister

There’ll probably be a tense moment where he almost dies, but I don’t think he’s quite done.  Feels like he needs one more confrontation with Cersei…
Chances of death: 1 potty-time pot shots out of 5

Jaime Lannister

Biggest hand on the chopping block…Jaime checks a couple of marks with his redemption arc damn near complete and his having only one hand.  On the other, golden hand though, Bronn has been hired to kill him and chances are Bronn won’t be here for this episode…so by order of Checkov’s assassin…I give him:
Chances of death: 2 off-hand eye stabs out of 5

Sansa Stark

Sansa’s not fighting, so that’s a plus, but more than likely the dead are going to breach the walls, so I’d certainly say its possible she’s in the crosshairs.  Plus, she’s a Stark for god’s sake, it’s a miracle she’s alive right now anyway.
Chances of death: 2 hungry hungry puppies out of 5

Arya Stark

Arya in a battle sequence is going to be weird.  Sure, she’s killed a ton of people before, but we’re talking about assassinations.  That being said, she can obviously throw a dragon glass dagger on a frozen rope, so if someone’s gonna destroy the Death Star with one shot in the Godswood, it’s probably her.
Chances of death: 2 fine little blades that I can pick my teeth with out of 5

Bran Stark

Fuck Game of Thrones for making Bran the funniest character.  It fucking pains me.  This kid super fucking sucked for 6 seasons (remember when he was just gone for all of season 5?) and now he’s a one-liner machine.  Well, on the plus side, he’s probably a gonna eat shit next episode.  And since he hasn’t really killed anyone on purpose, his death clip will be someone’s death that he caused:

Chances of death: 4 HOLD THE DOOR HOLD DOOR HOLDOR HODORs out of 5

Tormund.png
At least one person isn’t lacking motivation.

Meanwhile, in Winterfell…

Sam:  Do you think we’re gonna survive the night?

Grey Worm:  I have confidence that we will not fail.

Davos: I haven’t died so far, no reason to believe I’ll start now.

Sam:  Yeah, but that’s a logical fallacy…

Davos:  What the fook is-

Tormund: Boys, the best way to live past this battle is to have a reason to live on the other side!  Fat crow, what’s your plans after this battle?

Sam:  Well, I assume Gilly and I will return to Castle Black to-

Tormund:  Dead.  Davos?

Davos:  Well, I’m sure Jon will need advisors after-

Tormund:  DEAD.  Next?

Grey Worm:  Missandei and I will go south to-

Tormund:  FOR FUCKS SAKE YOU’RE SO DEAD!

The Hound:  I’m going to kill my brother in one on one combat in a fight everyone will remember for the rest of their lives.

Tormund:  See, this guy’s gonna fucking make it.  Next?

Gendry: Well, considering I just-

Tormund:  Dead, the lot of ya! Fat eunuch, dead!  Sad crow, dead!  Sansa’s fat uncle, dead!  Patchy McFlame Sword, dead!  Anyone else?

Podrick:  I’ll probably stay under Ser Brienne…

*Tormund gets close*

*Tormund gets even closer*

Tormund: *with his lips basically touching Podrick’s ear*   Fuckin’ right.

Brienne of Tarth

Speaking of Brienne and reasons to live…I’m very worried about Brienne.  She’s done everything.  She returned the Stark girls, she’s been knighted, she’s reunited with Jaime…not much to keep living for.  Though she does have Jaime and Tormund willing to die for her, so hopefully she can squeak by.  Plus, she’s so fucking good with a sword, I’d like to see her in Dany’s Queensguard if it ends up like that.
Chances of death:  2 quick deaths? out of 5

Theon Greyjoy

Let’s see…tragic figure that’s only remaining duty is to protect what the entire army of the dead is targeting…yeah that’s a 10-4 good buddy.
Chances of death: 5 I could watch this death 100 times and still laugh out of 5

Jorah Mormont

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You’re gonna make a man withstand this just to kill him off a season later.  And in this context, that man is me.  Fuck this scene.

Jorah’s got a Valyrian steel blade now, so I expect him to be quite active in the fight.  He also has a chance to protect Lyanna Mormont in battle, which feels like some good full circle character work.  Jorah actually strikes me as one of the only people (besides the obvious next one) that still has some reason to live afterwards.  He’s a trusted adviser and sword to Dany, and he could also follow his father’s footsteps (and dying wish) to live out his days on the Wall.  I don’t necessarily know what purpose the Wall would serve anymore, but like, convicts need to go somewhere, right?

Chances of death: 3 man, Jorah doesn’t have that many badass kills out of 5

The Hound

I don’t know if Winterfell will hold.  I don’t know how many inside its walls will die.  I do know one thing.  One way or another, the Hound is gonna end up at King’s Landing to fight his fucking brother once and for all.
Chances of death: 0 you’re shit at dying, you know that? out of 5

Quick Hits:

1) I would’ve loved for Tormund to try to sing a song that just immediately started with him saying the C-word only to get immediately cut off.

2) I like to picture a world where Arya is trying to kill White Walkers, but can’t because they refuse to say their names to her and she just storms off miffed.

3) Arya:  So, how was it for you?
Gendry:  Good.  Really good.
Arya:  Really good?  Even a smith’s apprentice can do better than really good.  What did I look like, what did I smell like, how did I-
Joe Dempsie:  All right, I think we’re done here.

Season-4-Episode-10-The-Children-game-of-thrones-37213035-4256-2832
This was the least distressed picture I could find of Meera Reed.

4)  I hope Meera Reed is okay.  I live vicariously through her being over Bran’s bullshit and I’m glad she didn’t return to Winterfell, but I’m sad she’s not in this season.  It would be funny if Bran survived and she just came in during the aftermath and started kicking the shit out of him.

5) Speaking of Bran, Tyrion asks for his life story and it is presumably told…yet the next time we see Tyrion, he’s talking to Jaime?  With no comment about Bran’s story?  What?

6) Jon: My mother is Lyanna Stark, my father is Rhaegar Targaryen.
Dany:  OH MY GOD
Jon:  I know, it’s a lot to take in…
Dany:  I can’t fucking believe it!
Jon: Dany, it’s fine, we can share the Iron Throne, and we can…
Dany:  I SLEPT WITH MY FUCKING NEPHEW!
Jon:  Well, yeah, but like, that’s not really a problem for-
*Dany vomits all over the goddamn place*

Hope you enjoyed levity of this episode cause you’re gonna be bringing your tissues to the next one.  See you then!

 

For the Watchers: Season 8 Episode 1 “Winterfell”

~ Sam Holt ~ Leave a comment

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I’m back on my bullshit for the final season, and goddamn it feels like forever.  The last time Game of Thrones was on TV there was a solar eclipse across America, people were listening to “Despacito” unironically, and I hadn’t even started grad school yet.  That said, because of grad school, most of these blogs are gonna come on Tuesday this year since I have class on Monday.  Now that we got all the housekeeping out of the way, lets hit ’em with that spoiler alert like you read about:

*Spoilers for Game of Thrones through last night’s episode*

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“Alllllways watching…”

I fucking loved how they set the table last night for this season.  Game of Thrones has traditionally had issues early in the season before it starts ramping up.  Fortunately, this season they don’t really have time for that.  They have basically two episodes before the shit hits the fan and they start cranking out movie-length episodes.  This week was absolutely chalk full of meetings, reunions, and characters catching up.  It’s honestly so weird to see so many characters in one place.  Going so many seasons just begging the plots to converge and now they finally have and boy is it…AWKWARD.  This is an episode where an estranged husband and wife meet for the first time since the wife left her husband at his double-nephew’s wedding where said double-nephew got horrifically murdered with the husband taking the blame and being sentenced to death…oh and also, the husband’s family basically killed the wife’s parents and brother.  Yeah, this was like the fifth most awkward interaction of this episode, next to Dany thanking Sam by revealing she char-broiled his brother and father, and every time Bran was on screen.

Meanwhile, in Winterfell

Arya: Yay, all my friends are back!  This is great!

Jon: Sis! I haven’t seen you in forever!  How have you-

Bran:  You are not her sister.  You are not my brother.  You are fucking your aunt.

The Hound:  Who the fuck is this kid?  Shut your mouth you little-

Bran:  Your brother is an undead nightmare that serves Cersei blindly.  Killing him will give you no joy as he fails to realize the significance of your fight.

Gendry:  Bran, could you just like, not be a little shithead for just one-

Bran:  Gendry lost his virginity to a witch-lady that later resurrected Jon Snow, making Jon the second little prick she’s risen.

Jon:  That’s it, you’re dead, I’m gonna throw you off the tallest tower.

Jaime: Pffft, good luck.

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“Just because I went a whole season as No One doesn’t mean getting passed by doesn’t hurt…”

Moving on, I’m also curious as to whom Arya will impersonate this season and with what purpose.  I mean fuck, she already did a great job of not being seen in the beginning of the episode and she was front fucking center the entire time.  Anyway, it appears that she won’t do anything until after the inevitable Winterfellmania III, but who will it be?  Clubhouse leader is obviously Littlefinger, but like…there’s still probably a lot of people that can still die.  Personally, the most effective might be say Euron Greyjoy or Qyburn…but like, wouldn’t it be kinda funny if she just did like the Mountain?  Like, smash cut to Cersei asking for the Mountain to follow her to her chambers and its just a 4’10 Mountain with a comically over-sized armor…I’d be 100% in.

Quick Hits:

1) They didn’t waste any time catching Jon up to speed with his origin story.  Though, you know, maybe it shouldn’t have been a surprise since he, I don’t know, became the second living person to ever ride a dragon. And he also rode Rhaegal (a-heyoooo)

2) Tyrion saying the Lannisters and the North “haven’t been friends in the past” is like saying Ilyn Payne gave Ned Stark a bad haircut.

3) Yara: We need to take back the Iron Islands

Theon: But I need to fulfill my character arc by saving Winterfell for the Starks.

Yara: Didn’t you already do that?

Theon: Not really, but I sorta won the Royal Rumble…

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“Fuck, I knew I was forgetting someone…”

4) Jaime is like the guy that goes to a high school reunion that thinks its gonna be great catching up with old friends, and then sees no one forgot he ruined prom by putting a giant turd in the punch bowl.  And yes, in this metaphor, Bran is the turd.

5) Bold strategy by Cersei to pay Bronn up front to hunt his two best friends that have joined an army with two dragons.  If this wasn’t a TV show, he might just piss off for a month in the south and then see what the fuck happens.

6) Y’all, Winterfell has a LOT of fat that’s gonna get trimmed off.  Like, if you know someone as like “grumpy old guy” or “sarcastic Night’s Watch dude”…I wouldn’t like their chances.

7) “Well, at least only the little boy died” -most viewers, probably

8) Dany:  We could go into this cave, no one would hear us…
Jon: Oh, I’m pretty sure they’d hear you.
Drogon:

Drogon

That’s it for this week, hope you enjoy next week’s episode for Jaime Lannister’s “Aw, shit, I killed a lot of y’alls friends, dangit, my bad” apology tour!