*Spoilers for everything*

Quick Disclaimer:  I have not (and will not) look up any of the leaked spoilers for the end of this season.  Any predictions or speculation on my part are just that, and not from some spoiler-related knowledge.  Please know that this blog is a safe space for everyone who is caught up to the current episode, and even if I were to learn of spoilers to this (or next) season, I would not share them here.

 

Welp, we’re already over halfway done with the season (by episode count), and it’s not slowing down anytime soon.  This week we received a Hardhome-esque impromptu battle that proved exactly how shitty it is to fight a dragon.  To no ones surprise, dragons live up to expectations and basically eviscerate everything in their path, including the mighty ballista that shoots one large arrow while the person shooting it is almost certainly dead unless they still have a storyline to tell.  The biggest upset of the night was probably that nobody died.  Like look at Bronn!  This dude is literally too funny to kill off yet.  Cause that’s the only explanation I have for why he’s standing today.  I’m also surprised Dickon Tarly survived, especially after hearing his sob story about how hard war is.  Poor Dickon.  Billy Bones from Black Sails would’ve had none of that shit.  Seriously.  Please go watch Black Sails.

Also this week, we finally got the Stark reunion everyone was waiting for, even if Sansa must be thinking she’s been taking crazy pills.  Think of this:  You’re Sansa.  You’ve spent the last six seasons watching traumatic thing after traumatic thing happen to you.  Your dog got killed because your sister’s dog bit the dude you had a crush on.   Then it turns out that dude is a major sadist who executed your dad in front of you while also beating you and threatening to kill you multiple times.  You are under threat of imminent death during the Battle of Blackwater, which results in the family holding you hostage (and responsible for all your troubles) winning.  You get forced to marry into said family, right before they massacre your house’s forces including your brother and mom.  You escape, only to be sold to a somehow even worse sadist that does unspeakable things to you.  When you finally escape that you barely survive and still have to overcome enduring a major battle where your family’s forces barely survive.  And somehow, after all that, YOU ARE THE WELL ADJUSTED MEMBER OF THAT FAMILY.  Not only that, everyone else in your family basically got super powers, and you’re stuck in middle management.  I’m not gonna blame her when she goes evil in three weeks.

Meanwhile, in that area that’s about to be fucked up by a dragon…

Bronn:  You don’t pay me enough.

Jaime:  Here’s a bag of gold.

Bronn:  I want that huge castle.

Jaime:  You don’t want that.

Bronn:  Yeah I do.

*Thousands of Dothraki and a dragon suddenly appear, and are pretty ticked off*

Jaime:  Hey, let’s take these guys.

Bronn:  No way you fucking idiot, let’s leave.

Jaime:  We could do that, or you could fire that huge arrow thing at a literal flying dinosaur that shoots fire.

Bronn:  Aight, but I better not drop the gold I was just complaining about.

*Bronn drops all his gold*

Bronn:  Motherfucker.

*Bronn methodically kills a bunch of dudes, gets on a giant crossbow he’s presumably never used, aims it, and hits the dragon in the shoulder*

Bronn:  Fuck yeah.

*The dragon is barely phased by this and shoots fire at Bronn*

Bronn:  Motherfucker.

*Bronn looks and sees Jaime, who’s clearly seen all this shit, looking at the dragon*

Bronn:  Fuck you dickhead, let’s leave now.

*Jaime takes a spear and starts heading right for the dragon*

Bronn:  Motherfucker.

*Bronn dives and saves Jaime, presumably pulling him from the sea*

Bronn:  I want that fucking castle.

Jaime:  How about two bags of gold?

Bronn:

Now, it’s time to play “What’s Littlefinger Up To?”!  Get your bet slips ready, cause we’re about to figure out what Game of Thrones is doing spending at least a few minutes on Littlefinger each week without any idea of a plan past “One day Sansa will love me.”  Tonight’s best predictions are as follows, which will you choose?

1. Littlefinger is waiting for Sansa to snap.  Once she fully embraces the Dark Side, she will see that he is the ultimate partner and confidant and they will rule together.  This process is to be accelerated by continuously putting more Starks near her so she gets overwhelmed by incompetence and bad decisions.
2. Littlefinger gave Bran the dagger so he could give it to Arya.  Then Arya is going to use that to kill Cersei.  With Cersei dead, Jon will marry Dany, and be king and queen.  When that happens, he can kill Dany and Jon, and then, since he’s married to Sansa at that point, succession will pass to her.  I think.  He didn’t work that part out yet.
3. Littlefinger can’t find his way out of Winterfell.  He’s been stuck in the castle for months now, and doesn’t know how to get down from the balcony.  He can make it to the crypts, but he can’t seem to find a way to the courtyard.  He wants to ask for help, but at this point it would just be embarrassing.
4. Littlefinger is waiting for Sansa to remarry.  During the wedding ceremony, he’s planned a big, romantic gesture where he speaks up during the “speak now or forever hold your peace” part of the ceremony.  He later realizes his fatal flaw that Westerosi weddings don’t have that part of the ceremony and he’s actually just a huge idiot.
5. Littlefinger captures Sansa, and brings her to King’s Landing.  After being formally presented to the Queen, Sansa and Littlefinger meet privately with Cersei where Cersei mocks Sansa while she’s preparing to kill her.  Suddenly, with a stunning level of grace, Littlefinger stabs Cersei in the heart.  Littlefinger rips off his face to reveal Arya Stark and while everyone goes apeshit over Arya killing Cersei everyone forgets how Game of Thrones ruined one of their most intriguing villains by writing him into a corner and making him a plot device.

Quick Hits:

1) Bran:  I’m the Three-Eyed Raven.

Arya:  I’m a faceless assassin.

Jon:  I got some weird glass and I’m gonna bang my aunt.

Sansa:  I’M GOING TO BE QUEEN OF THIS FUCKING ICEBERG IF IT’S THE LAST THING I DO YOU WEIRDO FUCKS

2) I’ve never felt so connected to a character as I did with Meera Reed just exasperatedly exclaiming “THAT’S IT?” to Bran this week.

3) Jon:  Follow me into this cave!

Dany:  Why?

Jon:  This is basically the only move I know.

4) I demand an alternate version of Game of Thrones where Gendry is in charge of Euron’s ships and he gets so lost he accidentally takes over Meereen.

5) Davos:  Hey gorgeous, how’s it hanging?

Missandei:  Hopefully not at all.

Davos:  Wait, what?

6) They shouldn’t have bothered to cast Randyll Tarly when I’m sure they could just use the dude that played Roose Bolton and no one would notice.

7)  Theon:  Hey Jon.

Jon:  I’m gonna rip your throat out and shove it into the hole where your dick used to be if you ever fuck with me again.

Theon:  Nice to see you too bro.

8) Those two guards remembered the names of Rodrik Cassel and Maester Luwin longer than most people who have watched the show.

9) Cersei:  I wanna hire sellsword companies from Essos to beat Dany.

Iron Bank Dude:  Okay, but I should let you know that one of them is probaly being run by her ex-boyfriend, and that seems like it would be a major conflict of interest if-

Cersei:  Don’t care, just buy them.

10) Podrick to Brienne:

That’s all for this week, stay spoiler free, and remember, I cannot stress this enough, watch Black Sails.

*You already know I’m gonna spoil everything*

Story arcs are named traditionally due to rising and falling action.  The levels of intensity build until a climax, at which point everything dies down.  However, the term could easily be mistaken within a long form storytelling standpoint to mean the ups and downs a character or faction face during the story.  Such is life on Game of Thrones.  Last week, for 45 minutes or so, everything looked peachy.  Dany had all the strength in the world, Jon Snow had just found out about the dragon glass on Dragonstone, and hundreds of years of there being no cure for advanced Greyscale were wiped out by Sam having the bright idea to use gloves while removing it.  But this being Game of Thrones meant everything was going to go downhill.  Sure enough, just about every ally Dany has is now dead, captured, or trapped.  And she can’t use her dragons because that would end the show early it’s too dangerous for her to go into battle.  On the bright side, this means some good things should start happening!  Like Jon getting new weapons for his army, Theon redeeming himself, and Arya finally finding someone that loves her that doesn’t die or run away from her immediately.

Speaking of Jon and Dany, they met each other for the first time in the series this week.  This is significant for many factors, but obviously the most important one is to determine whether or not they bang.  It’s weird cheering for an aunt and nephew to hook up, but that’s what a lot of people are doing right now.  Frankly, it would be pretty pedestrian for this show.  And let’s face it, it’s not like Jon Snow is off to a good start.  He made three critical errors right off the bat.  First, bringing Davos as a wingman did not work out.  Dude makes Bran look suave.  Second, he spoke way too long about zombies.  Believe me, I’ve been there.  Talking about what you would do during a zombie apocalypse when first meeting a girl is not the way to go.  Third, he refused to get on his knees for her.  That’s just not the Jon Snow I know.  The one I know seems to know a thing or two about getting his knees.

Meanwhile, in Winterfell…

Sansa:  Bran!  I’m so happy to have you back!

Bran:  I am not Bran.

Sansa:  Uh, what?

Bran:  I’m the Three Eyed Raven.

Sansa:  Bran, I know you had a lot of messed up shit happen to you, but you don’t need to make yourself into some fake emo persona.

Bran:  I can see everything.

Sansa:  Like what?

Bran:  I saw your wedding…

Sansa:  Uh….

Bran:  And your wedding night…

*Sansa makes that face you make when you drink tequila*

Bran:  That was pretty messed up.

Sansa:  YEAH THANKS FOR REMINDING ME YOU LITTLE SHIT

Bran:  You looked pretty.

Sansa:  OH MY GOD FUCK RIGHT OFF YOU SOFT DICK PSYCHO

Bran:  I’m sorry that happened to you.

Sansa:  Why don’t you just tell me what’s happening so we can be safe?!

Bran:  Why bother?  It has to happen anyway.

Sansa:  No it doesn’t!  Just tell me what’s going to happen!  Will the Night King come?  Is Littlefinger going to kidnap me?  Do Brienne and Tormund ever get together?

Bran:  I don’t know.

Sansa:  Why not?

Bran:  No one understands me.

Sansa:  I’m done.  Enjoy your bullshit face tree.

*Sansa leaves*

Bran:  Oh and Jon’s a Targaryen.

Quickly, a farewell to one of my favorite characters.  No, not Tyene Sand’s tits (RIP)!  Olenna Tyrell was one of the best people to pop up in a scene.  Anytime she was on camera, I always got jacked up.  Probably the only character that could absolutely guarantee that a good line was coming.  Forever throwing shade and crushing one-liners, Olenna went out like everyone would’ve expected, getting the last line and the last laugh.  Thank you Olenna.  You always hated everyone the most.

Quick Hits:

1) Davos might not be a great wingman, but he can still spit game at Missandei.  Then again, he’s losing out there to a dude with no dick, so maybe that’s not a W.

2) So Sam wanted a reward for saving Jorah.  I’d say rewriting some books is a huge reward when you were cleaning up shit and cutting flesh off a leper.

3) Melisandre: You’re going to die in Westeros.
Varys:  *running away* DANY!  THEY MADE PEOPLE SLAVES AGAIN I GOTTA LEAVE THE CONTINENT RIGHT NOW!

4) I like to think that Bran isn’t devoid of social skills, but instead his actor is just got so fed up with how bad his character was, he refused to act this season.

5) Jon Snow:  “She eying me like White Walkers don’t exist./Girl, I know you want this di-“

6) I don’t know why Cersei doesn’t want to marry Euron right now.  Dude can evidently be anywhere just about instantly.

7) Dany:  Do you believe the White Walkers are real?
Tyrion:  I trust him.
Dany:  And did Davos say he took a knife in the heart?
Tyrion:  Well, he’s obviously lying, that’s crazy.

8) Jaime: I figured we poison you.
Olenna:  Oh cool.  I was gonna go out like Tommen, but might as well go out like your other two kids.

That’s all for this week, hopefully we can look forward to some happier times ahead, but knowing this show they’ll probably just kill Bronn and look at the camera and yell “Fuck you.”  Enjoy your week until then!