Music

If Other Things Were as Stacked as the Golden State Warriors

~ Sam Holt ~ Leave a comment

*Spoilers for the upcoming 2016-17 NBA Season*

If you generally follow sports in any rudimentary way, you probably heard that Kevin Durant signed with the Golden State Warriors, giving a team that just set a wins record a top 5 player without really shaking up their team.  It’s basically unprecedented.  It would’ve been like if the James/Wade/Bosh Miami Heat team just signed Chris Paul or Carmelo Anthony.  But, like my example, many people kept comparing it to sports; what if we go beyond?  I’m here to feed all those who haven’t got a clue about basketball just how ridiculous this signing is.  Not all heroes wear capes…

 Pokemon Team:

Okay, I bet you fuckers love this Pokemon Go bullshit.  Sweeping the nation like Snapchat and social unrest.  So everyone’s wondering, what is the most stacked Pokemon team you can have?  If you had unlimited Master Balls and PokeDollars to spend, what mythological masterclass would you assemble to black out all comers?  Well, it’s all about settin’ ’em up to knock them down.  A team this stacked would destroy any competition.

First up?  Magikarp.  Exactly.  They’ll never see it coming.  Just flopping around like a dingus.  Just act really frustrated and upset that he sucks more than Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 1.  It’s all a ruse, though.  Let them clean up that Magikarp and get complacent.  You’re about to unleash hell.

This is like 1/12 of their effective numbers.

Bam!  Just throw like 35 Zubats at him!  You don’t need to own more than one.  Just toss one out there and let him get all his little Zubat friends.  Those things are the worst.  You’re telling me that another trainer is going to be able to adapt to what they thought was a cupcake matchup that turns into a nocturnal nightmare?  Doubtful.  Hell, the other trainer might quit on the spot, just because fuck Zubats that’s why.

Next out, Mr. Mime.  This is yet another ruse.  You get that chucko fuck out there to dance around and say his shitty name (you know, like mimes totally do) and get the Pokemon and trainer alike to start assaulting him.  Mr. Mime’s not gonna last long, but after all those Zubats, the other trainer is gonna be harried.  They’re not sticking around for the long haul, and Mr. Mime is gonna tire that sucker out.  Eventually, when Mr. Mime succumbs, you got your designated hitter just ready to go.

Jynx.  Yup.  Look at this thing:

That is horrifying.  Dear lord.  Their Pokemon is gonna go running!  One sweet wet one from that chick, and bruh.  Case closed.  And if you’re telling me there’s still a Pokemon out there, well you step right up motherfucker, I got a best friend to tell you about.

His name is Snorlax.  Nighty night dickhead.  Your reign of terror is over.  You can’t even move this bastard.  He just sits there.  And he’s well fed too.  You give that Snorlax nothing but a pallet BJ’s Wholesale pretzel nugget jars every day, and he might as well have his own moon.

Last but not least, is my insurance policy.  Diglett with a gun.  DON’T ASK ME HOW THE MOTHERFUCKER GOT IT HE JUST DOES AND HE IS MAD!  Gotta Confederate Flag bandana and everything.  Man, scares me just thinking about it, little turdball just running rampant like that.  It’ll be that petting zoo all over again.  Man, I just got those baby sheep out of my head…but fuck man, you mess with the bull you’ll get the horns.

Magikarp, Zubats (~35), Mr. Mime, Jynx, Snorlax, Diglett (w/ gun)

Game of Thrones Kingsguard:

All right, let’s get back to my roots.  So the Kingsguard is seven knights sworn to protect the King.  They’ve never been a efficient lot; multiple incompetent assholes, pedophiles, and literal zombies.  But what if we were able to ask anyone, across allegiance, alignment, and aliveness?  Well, we could put together a fearsome band of brutes to protect that dumb child with his pointy chair.

Start at the top, Lord Commander Jon Snow.  He can’t die.  That’s a big pro in my book.  The ability to escape death on a show where pretty much everyone has died is a true talent.  You can’t teach that.  Plus, it gives him another oath to follow, and we all know how much that dude loves rules and being boring.

Dude looks downright orgasmic to have two hands on his sword again.

Next, two handed Jaime Lannister.  Are you like me?  Do you think Jaime Lannister was way better when he had two hands?  I think it’s because he’s down cause he can’t throw righty in to finish the job in his alone time.  But now with both hands back, he’s all lubed up and ready to go.  Just beating them back.  Jerking them around.  With a nice stroke and a quick flourish.  And there’s just not a better finisher in the game.

You can’t have a Kingsguard without Brienne of Tarth.  Who else would you have go on mindless errands all over the place never finding anyone?  Huge gap in your game if you pass her up.  Plus, she adds to your team’s height in case you have to play big.

Speaking of big, gotta go with Zombie Mountain in the four spot.  Brother is just completely brutal.  Low key good surgeon too.  I once saw him perform routine spinal surgery on a guy with his bare hands.  Dude didn’t even feel a thing.  Quite the talent.

You want bigger?  Going with Wun Wun the giant next.  Why?

That’s why.

Sixth spot goes to secret weapon Podrick Payne.  Listen, you never know when you’re gonna need a good honeypot.  What if the Sand Snakes seek redemption and try to kill the King to avenge their father?  Duh, send in Podrick to take them to pound town.  They won’t even know what continent they’re on…probably start speaking valyrian and wasting six seasons  of plot before he’s done.

The last spot may be controversial…it’s Bran Stark.  Now, hear me out.  All you gotta do is tell him to kill everyone.  “Hey Bran, it’d be totally cool if you actively tried to destroy the entire kingdom, thanks.”  Bran will do nothing but solve everything and achieve peace!  It’s a guarantee.

Jon Snow, Jaime Lannister, Brienne of Tarth, Zombie Mountain, Wun Wun, Podrick Payne, Fuckin’ Bran

Music:

It’s not hard to stack a band, especially since the cap limit in the music industry is ridiculous.  That’s how you end up with Kevin, Joe, and Nick Jonas all on the same team.  It’s so unfair.  But, with unlimited money and power, what concoction of sound could be created to reach the peak of audible enjoyment?  And it’s obvious you have to start at the core.  Sir Paul McCartney.  That’s a foundation if I’ve ever seen one.  Songwriting?  Check.  Bass player?  Check.  Backing Vocals?  You got it.  Token southpaw?  Already warming up.

Plus you know…20% chance he’s a vampire.

Lead guitarist is easy.  Jack White.  The man dragged Meg White to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.  If you don’t believe me, try playing drums in Rock Band on expert for “Icky Thump” and let me know when it gets fun.  I’d wait but I’m not eternal yet.

Next is Dave Grohl.  Really don’t care where he goes.  Probably drums, but you’re really signing the intangibles here.  He can play every instrument, carry the equipment, and do your band’s taxes.  Gotta have that man in the trenches.

All right, but you gotta appeal to the kids today.  Taylor Swift?  No way.  Chick is a chemistry nightmare.  She’ll be writing nasty breakup songs about Paul McCartney and claiming “Yesterday” was about her before you know it.  Nope.  Kanye?  Can’t do it.  He already thinks he’s the best band of all time by himself, and he’d get mad Jack White wouldn’t wear his $500 t-shirts.  You want vocals?  Rihanna.  Girl prints platinum records.  I almost subscribed to Tidal for her.  She’s that good.

Now, in the 5th spot, you need a secret weapon.  Gotta jazz it up with something.  And no one jazzes it up better than former President Bill Fucking Clinton.  ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?  NO, NO I AM NOT.  You play two songs without him.  Then in the lead up to the next song, off stage you just hear some sexy saxophone sizzle and in struts that does not inhale but blows people away!  Panties dropping so hard, there’s gonna be a sinkhole at Bonnaroo.  Just give me the gold plated diapers now.

Paul McCartney, Jack White, Dave Grohl, Rihanna, Bill Clinton

Song of the Summer Retrospective

~ Sam Holt ~ 1 Comment

With the summer comes a lot of things.  Trips to the beach, cookouts, sweating balls in your apartment because you’re too lazy to install your air conditioner…  But it also comes with that one song.  The song that plays seemingly endlessly on the radio.  Over and over and over.  Until you’re sick of it…then they play it some more.  You can be sitting outside, listening to some tunes, trying to relax in an environment that’s too hot (hot damn!), and that same fucking song comes on that you’ve heard 4,000 times by now.  And yet usually, there’s something, just something about it that still gets to you.  Catchy hook, a beat, a flow, something, and you find yourself enjoying it all over again.  Drake’s “One Dance” is currently the frontrunner for 2016, but hey, one catchy song about a summer love or a Korean guy screaming into a butt, and it all changes.  So I’m here, to give a retrospective on those songs for the last 10 years.  What makes me an expert?  I’ve listened to every song at least once.  I think…hold on…okay, yeah, definitely have!  And who cares?  It gives you a short list of bullshit to read while you’re on the can at work, and that’s all that really matters.

2006 – Promiscuous by Nelly Furtado featuring Timbaland

Back in 2000, Nelly Furtado was just bursting on the scene asking people to respectfully reduce electricity use and indulge in ornithological comparisons.  Then shit got turnt and she became a flamethrower just spitting out number one hit after number 36 hit.  It was a weird career defining moment for Nelly Furtado, but this song still works, and will receive a fond memory from everyone who is in their early 30’s now.

2007 – Umbrella by Rihanna featuring Jay-Z

Guys, Rihanna has been around for so long.  By the time she could legally drink in the U.S., she had already had five #1 songs.  She’s only behind the Beatles and Mariah Carey for most #1’s of all time.  She’s already ahead of Michael Jackson, Madonna, and Whitney Houston.  She has 10 more #1’s than Taylor Swift.  Even if you take away the three where she’s only featured, that’s still 11!  Umbrella might not be her best song, but it’s still great, even if it’s the caused terrible people to turn umbrella into a nine syllable word for a year.  But it makes up for that for keeping “Hey There Delilah” out of the top spot this year.  Get that sad shit outta here, Plain White T’s!  Some of us are trying to enjoy throwing back PBR while attempting to balance on a inflatable crocodile!

2008 – I Kissed a Girl by Katy Perry

Oh, I get it, she’s got a dog!

Not sure why this one is appealing…perhaps it’s Katy Perry’s voice?  It’s quite good.  I guess it’s kinda catchy.  Nope, don’t understand.  And this shit knocked out Coldplay?  Those darling lads from England that are universally beloved by everyone? Viva La Vida was transcendent!  I’m shocked.  Truly shocked.  Whatever, I’m sure this is just a one-hit wonder that we’ll never have to deal with again.

2009 – Boom Boom Pow/I Gotta Feeling – Black Eyed Peas

Do you remember seven short years ago when the Black Eyed Peas just owned the world.  My Humps won a Grammy.  They had the number one song from April to October.  And will.i.am appeared on a hologram on CNN during their election day coverage.  The Black Eyed Peas usually emit love or hate responses, and I go song to song by that.  Take Boom Boom Pow:  I love this song.  It’s addicting, exciting, and just gets you moving.  Even it’s “2000 and late” line just seems funny now and less unforgivable.  But I Gotta Feeling…no.  I don’t let that one go.  Like seriously, fuck that song.  They start by repeat the same line 12 times and then immediately rhyme up with up.  They’re next rhyme?  God and off.  At least they teach us the days of the week at the end.

2010 – California Gurls by Katy Perry featuring Snoop Dogg

Guys…

2011 – Party Rock Anthem by LMFAO featuring Lauren Bennett and GoonRock

If there was one song…one song that we could save through the downfall of civilization…one song that we could send to outer space to communicate with other forms of life…one song to hold upon high as the pinnacle of music as an art form…look no further than this classic from master poets Redfoo and SkyBlu.  Just a pure masterpiece from beginning to end.  It had me in tears.  These two gentleman have crafted an opus the likes of the world have never seen, and dare I say will most likely never see again.

2012 – Call Me Maybe by Carly Rae Jepsen

“And on the fourth day there were bangs, and she saw that they were good…”

The year was 2012…the people had been oppressed by 8 weeks of Gotye.  At first, most people enjoyed their new benevolent vaguely foreign ruler with his catchy xylophone and alarmingly huge mouth.  Then, an unending barrage of Gotye struck and the people despaired.  “Please!” they said, “Someone save us from the Gotye!”  And then, out of the sky, an angelic voice came down, and proclaimed “Hey, I just met you…and this is crazy…but here’s my number…so call me, maybe!”  And the people rose up, in an unending stream of romantic comedy inspired lyrics, unrelenting catchiness, and bangs.  To this day, we thank our savior for bringing this song into our minds…even though it tends to linger for an entire day once it is there.

2013 – Blurred Lines by Robin Thicke featuring T.I. and Pharrell

I’m going to take this time to just remind everyone that Robin Thicke’s marriage fell apart because he lacked the common spacial awareness to recognize the threat that mirrors contain:

Looks like the ring might be slipping off his finger.  His other finger appears to be slipping into a ring.

2014 – Fancy by Iggy Izalea featuring Charli XCX

This song is very misunderstood.  Many think it’s just about two girls having a good time.  No.  It is much more than that.  Iggy Izalea is a modern Renaissance (wo)man.  Our generation’s Da Vinci.  She, in no uncertain terms, claims to be a hitman, a physics teacher, and a time traveler.  She sees a future where there is a freeway that stretches across the Pacific Ocean from Los Angeles to Tokyo.  And, more unrealistically, a future where the word “retarded” is still in acceptable use.  A true pioneer.

2015 – See You Again Wiz Khalifa featuring Charlie Puth

Okay, this is a weird one.  First off, this should’ve been Uptown Funk.  I don’t think I’ve heard a more Song of Summer song than Uptown Funk, and I frankly hope I never will cause I still can’t get that song out of my head.  Then Furious 7 came out and this tribute song to Paul Walker and this locked down the top of the charts.  Sure, Cheerleader made a late push, but fuck that.  You know who owns the summer?  Paul Walker!  And Vin Diesel!  That’s right mother fuckers, this is really a Fast and Furious post!  Roll that shit:

R.I.P.  Brian O’Conner.  Live life a quarter mile at a time.