Lyanna Mormont

For the Watchers: S6E10 “The Winds of Winter”

~ Sam Holt ~ 1 Comment

*Spoilers up to the current episode of Game of Thrones*

The first three seasons of Game of Thrones treated the last episode like an epilogue.  Episode 9 got all the glory and episode 10 reacted to it. That all changed in Season 4, when Tyrion killed Shae and Tywin.  Then, they upped the ante by having Jon Snow be stabbed to death by a prepubescent boy.  But then to the shock of literally no one, they brought him back to life.  So, you can’t fool us again, Game of Thrones.  We know who has plot armor and who doesn’t!  What are you gonna do now, huh?  Well, evidently the answer to that question is basically kill off EVERY OTHER FUCKING CHARACTER.  After Ramsay died in the last episode, I said this show was going to have an antagonist problem.  Sure, they hinted at Cersei turning King’s Landing into her own personal Nagasaki, but even then, a lot predicted that taking things that far would immediately lead to her death, either by wildfire or by Jaime.  Not only is she still alive, she turned back into that cruel sadist she used to be and painted a bulls-eye on her back when everyone was looking for a target.  Now instead of Dany going toe to toe with cat-loving turd Tommen, we get the real clash of Queens we’ve all been waiting for.  With her plans literally out the window, Cersei has nothing left but a vindictive streak and perhaps a desire to prove herself.  This gives us a very tasty tinder box to watch develop in Season 7.  And another worthy antagonist for us to wish dead.

Speaking of the dead, there were no lack of casualties this week.  Seriously, the list of named characters killed off in this episode was eleven.  ELEVEN.  Those are Bran Stark numbers, and he didn’t even kill anyone!  The only Stark that died was in a flashback (good on ya, Starks, can’t even stop from dying when you’re not dying).  Here’s a quick breakdown of how I felt about all eleven, from least to most in amount of care:

These are the guys in the pies.  One of them was in Harry Potter and the other was in Doctor Who.  Yes, I found that on IMDb.

11 and 10)  Lothar Frey and Black Walder

AKA the Frey goon squad.  They’re equally as recognizable as pies.

9) Kevan Lannister

I literally forgot he was dead until I was preparing this blog, so that pretty much sums it up.

8) Lancel Lannister

I mean, when this guy showed back up, they did all but hold up a picture of him from Season 2.  He was that forgettable.  Plus, he lacks the hustle and awareness that makes a good role player.

7) Grand Maester Pycelle

This dude managed to have a horrific death that still made me laugh out loud when he bitch-slapped a kid.  However, he was docked points for not being a peacock.

6)  Mace Tyrell

RIP Peacock man.

5) Walder Frey

Walder Frey was basically that wine we have tucked away from some random year our friend that knows wines said was good.  That bottle of Johnny Walker Blue we secretly hope our asshat friends don’t drink while we’re away.  His death was inevitable, it was just a matter of when we got to savor it.

4) Tommen Baratheon

During the moments before his self-defenestration, I found it crazy that the Boy Blunder was going to ax himself.  But it made perfect sense, as it created the villain in Cersei this show desperately needed for Season 7 before the loath-able sideshow we’ll have to endure in fighting the White Walkers.  Kid had great form too, 100% DGAF.

3) Loras Tyrell

Loras has been a bust for the last two seasons, but he was a dope swordsman with great hair.  Plus, he was the heir of House Tyrell, and dammit that used to mean something!

They wouldn’t have needed those eye-rocks for his wake.  You know, if his body wasn’t instantly incinerated.

2) High Sparrow

I do not like the High Sparrow.  He’s basically a monotonous professor, mixed with a confirmation class teacher, with a dash of Charles Manson.  My amount of care is less dictated by how much I enjoyed the character, and more by the facts that 1) I’m am relieved he is out of the picture, 2) he made way for a much more intriguing villain, 3) I don’t have to see that weird blankless stare through my soul anymore.

1) Margaery Tyrell

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOkay so it’s not like, the biggest deal that she died.  Arya was probably the only non big three (Jon, Dany, and Tyrion) person that could’ve died that really would’ve deeply bothered me.  But everything about me wanted Margaery to run when she smelled a load of bullshit.  I was incensed at the assclown star-heads that blocked her way…even though I now know she would’ve needed Varys levels of traveling speed to get out of the way of that blast.  I’ll miss Margaery Tyrell and I’ll miss Natalie Dormer…but evidently not nearly as much as Tommen did.

Meanwhile, in the North:

Jon:  Lords and Ladies, we need to unite to fight the White Walkers…

Yohn Royce:  And why would we do that?

Lyanna Mormont:  Are you fucking kidding me Royce?

Royce:  I beg your pardon…

Lyanna:  Pardon this dipshit. *wanker gesture*  Get your head out of your enormous ass and pledge to Jon Snow.

Wyman Manderly:  My Lady, you mustn’t…

Lyanna:  The fuck you say Manderly?  Your triple chin trying to dribble out some horseshit?  I have 62 fucking men.  Six.  Two.  And they were all behind Jon Snow the entire time.  And you, the human embodiment of a KFC Double Down, just sat there on your bean bag chair ass doing dick all with your army.

Wyman Manderly:  Please, I just didn’t want my family to-

“Oh this?  This is just how many seconds I’m giving you before I show you your tonsils.”

Lyanna:  To what?  See what a competent lord would do?  You’re like a manatee that’s washed ashore, but with less practical purpose.  In fact, if you were a manatee, I wish you’d be back in the water so you could get hit by a boat.

Cley Cerwyn:  Okay, I’ve heard about enough…

Lyanna:  And YOU, Cerwyn!  The only thing you’ve ever handled properly was your own dick after it took you months to find it.

Cley Cerwyn:  Stop it, you’re being mean!

Lyanna:  What’re you gonna do, go run and tell daddy?  Oh, that’s right, he was flayed alive in front of you.  And guess what, he STILL has thicker skin than you.

Robett Glover:  That’s it!  I’m ending this right-

*Lyanna stands up and just starts repeatedly, unceasingly kicking Lord Glover in the balls*

Jon:  So…what do you say?

Everyone:  …the King in the North?

Lyanna:  *kicks Lord Glover in the balls again*  I can’t hear you.

Everyone:  The King in the North!

And finally to the Tower of Joy.  So Jon’s a Targaryen.  But he’s still half Stark, which explains why he’s chronically inept.  Overall, it’s still a monumental revelation regardless of how telegraphed it was.  Though, don’t expect that to become common knowledge anytime soon.  I mean, this is Bran you’re counting on with this information.  Kid’s about as clutch as a brain tumor.  Even if word got out, if Dany gets push back from the Seven Kingdoms, Jon being family isn’t gonna look super hot.  The only good thing is the Targaryen’s love incest as much as they love lighting shit on fire, so Jon and Dany could make a power couple bigger than Jay-Z and Beyonce.  But with dragons.

Stupidity is clearly sexually transmitted in Westeros cause Talisa dicked up saving this Frankenstein fuck’s life
  1. Seriously though, I wish I was the one guy who hadn’t read/thought of the R+L=J theory and was just like “OH SHIT SON” during that reveal.
  2. I mean, if Natalie Dormer was the only girl I had ever hooked up with and she died, I might jump out a window too.  The things Tommen does for love…
  3. Daario:  What will you do without me?
    Dany:  Probably rule Westeros and perhaps fall in love with my nephew.
    Daario:  And that’s what you want?
    Audience:  FOR GODS SAKE, YES!
  4. Never have I ever wanted someone to have a threesome more than Bronn in that scene where clearly someone was gonna get got.  Please Bronn, go fuck those two gorgeous women and get the fuck out of this room!
  5. Benjen:  I gotta go.
    Bran:  But you just got here?  Why even come at all?
    Benjen:  Cause fuck book readers.
  6. Hey, when you look at the back of the Mountain’s head, it doesn’t look so bad.
  7. Isn’t it weird that the only person championing a woman to lead the North is a former brothel owning wifeslayer and the person that convinced everyone to let a man lead was a 10-year-old girl?
  8. I hope Tommen at least fed Ser Pounce first…
  9. Euron:  Excuse me, which way is Meereen?
    Gendry:  Dude, I have no idea where the fuck I am.
  10. Qyburn went from being introduced with his throat slit to being the person crowning the Queen.  He’s doing this show backwards.
  11. Game of Thrones by Disney:
    Sam:  I’m to be the new Maester!
    Receptionist:  Right this way!
    Sam:  Are these all books for me?
    Receptionist: *singing*  I can show you the world…
  12. Season 3:
    Melisandre to Arya:  “We will meet again…”
    Season 6:
    Jon Snow:  Get the fuck out, Melisandre.
    Audience:  NOOOOOOOOOOOO
  13. It makes sense that Olenna would go to Dorne since it’s basically the Florida of Westeros.  She’s relocating to retire in a state of crazy wack jobs that somehow have a huge amount of influence on who the next leader will be.

Thank you to everyone that read this blog during the Game of Thrones season.  I appreciate you.  Hope you all keep reading whatever the fuck I write about next.

For The Watchers: S6E7 “The Broken Man”

~ Sam Holt ~ Leave a comment

*Spoilers up to this episode of Game of Thrones*

Game of Thrones this week was pretty simple.  People still hate the Lannisters, Arya spent two seasons training to be an assassin then promptly forgot everything and got herself stabbed, and the Hound came back to spend 20 minutes chopping wood.  That’s all, see you next week.

…

Hey, if the writers can just say “pass” this week and mail it in so can I!

…

…

…

RIP Virtuous Sandor Clegane.  2016-2016

…Fine, I guess there’s more to break down but man, did they just lay a 50 minute fart of an episode.  The big story (and great news) is that Sandor Clegane has returned.  And he’s just fucking tearing the Riverlands a new asshole…uh…chopping wood solemnly, super not hearing the blood curdling screams of like 60 people.  Look, I know he’s got one bad ear, but c’mon.  I think he can here a bunch of assholes just raining arrows on his Sinners Anonymous crew.  Speaking of those assholes, is that the Brotherhood Without Banners?  You know, those puckish outlaws, banded together to dick over the Mountain, benevolently kidnapping Arya and resurrecting dudes the Hound killed?  I mean, they never seemed virtuous Ned Stark types, waving around honor and bad decision making.  But, if that was them, it’s certainly an escalation to go from stealing some supplies from villages to murdering an entire village for having the gall to not be extort-able.  Perhaps we’ll see next week, when Sandor Clegane is hopefully chopping more than wood.

Speaking of chopping wood, Theon Greyjoy is potentially showing signs of life after a “some bad years.”  I’d be happy to see snarky, cocksure confident Theon Greyjoy back, especially with him and Yara seemingly accelerating towards becoming the missing piece to Dany’s conquest.  Speaking of old Theon coming back, let’s take a quick glance at other characters I wish could rise from the dead, or, in one case, just fucking float ashore:

5) Tywin Lannister

Man, if we could will this heartless bastard back to life, I would do it just to see what kind of death he serve the Sparrows.  It would be hard to top what he did to the Reynes of Castamere (not directly told in the show…he locked their subterranean stronghold and filled it with water), but he really needs a new song.

4) Ygritte

At the time, her death seemed necessary, since the Wildlings and the Night’s Watch were mortal enemies.  But now, they’re best buds and the little shit that killed her is doing his best Casper the vengeful ghost impression.  Poor Jon Snow has no luck…though Kit Harrington is doing a little better.

3) Gendry

My affinity to our Westerosi Magellan is well documented.  I hope he’s just with the Brotherhood…then again, after this week, maaaaaaybe not.

We could’ve had this guy on the Iron Throne for 4 seasons now.  Instead we a dope that’s only redeemable quality is he likes cats.

2) Renly Baratheon

Gone over 4 seasons ago, it’s easy to forget how dope Renly Baratheon was.  Most only remember him being the gay guy that wouldn’t fuck Natalie Dormer.  But he’s snarky.  He’s brash. And he’ll tell you what he fucking thinks.  Too bad he’s not a diplomat.  Plus, it would’ve been him uncomfortably getting the sex talk from the High Sparrow, instead of newly pious Margaery Tyrell being told be an ancient man to fuck a child.

1) Oberyn Martell

This list should actually have 3 spaces between Renly and Oberyn just to properly illustrate how far ahead Oberyn is to everyone else.  COME BACK OBERYN!  WE TOOK YOU FOR GRANTED!  AND YOUR DAUGHTERS ARE TOTAL BULLSHIT!  FUUUUUUUUUUUU-

Meanwhile, in the Riverlands:

Jaime:  Blackfish, surrender now and your men shall be spared.

Blackfish:  Dude, you literally have made like 5 promises and 2 oaths, and you just take shits all over them.  So much for “A Lannister always-”

Bronn:  DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE.

Jaime:  But, like, I mean it this time.

Blackfish:  You got a free pass to King’s Landing, and my niece got a knife to the throat.

Jaime:  I’d hardly call losing my hand a free pass…

Blackfish:  And you didn’t even have the decency to do what Catelyn asked!

Jaime:  Yeah, but the Boltons stole Sansa!  Go talk to them!  I ain’t pissing that kid off, he’s probably skinning a child alive right now for fun!

Blackfish:  And what about Arya?

Jaime:  That girl has literally been trying to be not a person for like, 3 seasons.

Blackfish:  What?

Jaime:  Hmm?

Blackfish:  You sound like my nephew.  Mayor of Sucktown, Captain of the U.S.S. Shit for Brains.

Bronn:  Hey, you have to admit, that dude fucks.

Blackfish:  You’d have a better time threatening to hang Bronn; no way the audience would let him die.

Bronn:  Wait, what?

Blackfish:  Doesn’t matter, I’m not going to give you the castle.  Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to spend the next two years practicing my super cool shoot-an-arrow-and-walk-away move.  You have no idea how often that comes up.

Seems like she’s a Stark after all.

Moving on to Arya, who seemingly left her brain at the House of Black and White.  Arya, I’m going to list the people that have called you “sweet girl” in the show:

  1. Jaqen H’ghar

That’s it.  You know they’re trying to kill you and you know they can look like anyone.  The minute you hear “sweet girl” you put your knees to the breeze and hoof it out of there.  You certainly don’t turn, smile, and take a fucking knife to the chest from the first old lady you see.  Also, when walking around with a critical stab wound, it might be in your best interest to ask someone for help.  Like literally, just a soft “help me” or even “I’ve been stabbed multiple times in vital organs, I’d probably be dying if it wasn’t for me probably being intricate to the plot somehow, but somebody needs to provide me with medical assistance to better suspend the audience’s disbelief.”  Either or, really.

Quick Hits:

If you were wondering where your pants are, she’s wearing them.
  1. I’m shocked the church wants a 14 year-old boy to have sex.
  2. Saying Theon has had a some bad years is like saying the Red Wedding didn’t go as planned.
  3. How did it take 6 seasons for Lyanna Mormont to be a character?  She’s like Arya without being diluted by Stark incompetence.
  4. If Lyanna Mormont had been Ned Stark’s 4th natural-born child instead of Bran, we wouldn’t even need the Wall anymore.  She’d also be able to walk.
  5. If Lyanna Mormont were at the Red Wedding, it would’ve been known as “The Slightly Inconvenient Wedding” or “The Last Frey Wedding” or “King Robb Stark’s Wedding.”  Maybe not that last one, she’s not a miracle worker.
  6. Cersei:  I’d never abandon my son.
    Olenna:  You would if he looked like this.
  7. I wish I had enough money to pay for things in “arrogantly tossing a bag of coins.”
  8. Yara:  “I’m sorry, I won’t joke about your penis if it bothers you.  But seriously, kill yourself.”
  9. Casting Ian McShane to play a Septon is like casting Jack McBrayer to play Ramsay Bolton.  Actually, on second thought, that’s more terrifying, forget I said that.
  10. Wildling:  I think we should have cereal for breakfast!
    Wun Wun:  PANCAKES!
    Wildling:  Right, I’ll fetch the syrup.
  11. If Jeor Mormont had birthed Lyanna Mormont instead of Jorah, Lyanna would be hand of the Queen to Danerys Targaryen and Game of Thrones would’ve been one season long.  And no one would’ve had to suffer through this blog.