Jon Snow

For the Watchers: S6E10 “The Winds of Winter”

~ Sam Holt ~ 1 Comment

*Spoilers up to the current episode of Game of Thrones*

The first three seasons of Game of Thrones treated the last episode like an epilogue.  Episode 9 got all the glory and episode 10 reacted to it. That all changed in Season 4, when Tyrion killed Shae and Tywin.  Then, they upped the ante by having Jon Snow be stabbed to death by a prepubescent boy.  But then to the shock of literally no one, they brought him back to life.  So, you can’t fool us again, Game of Thrones.  We know who has plot armor and who doesn’t!  What are you gonna do now, huh?  Well, evidently the answer to that question is basically kill off EVERY OTHER FUCKING CHARACTER.  After Ramsay died in the last episode, I said this show was going to have an antagonist problem.  Sure, they hinted at Cersei turning King’s Landing into her own personal Nagasaki, but even then, a lot predicted that taking things that far would immediately lead to her death, either by wildfire or by Jaime.  Not only is she still alive, she turned back into that cruel sadist she used to be and painted a bulls-eye on her back when everyone was looking for a target.  Now instead of Dany going toe to toe with cat-loving turd Tommen, we get the real clash of Queens we’ve all been waiting for.  With her plans literally out the window, Cersei has nothing left but a vindictive streak and perhaps a desire to prove herself.  This gives us a very tasty tinder box to watch develop in Season 7.  And another worthy antagonist for us to wish dead.

Speaking of the dead, there were no lack of casualties this week.  Seriously, the list of named characters killed off in this episode was eleven.  ELEVEN.  Those are Bran Stark numbers, and he didn’t even kill anyone!  The only Stark that died was in a flashback (good on ya, Starks, can’t even stop from dying when you’re not dying).  Here’s a quick breakdown of how I felt about all eleven, from least to most in amount of care:

These are the guys in the pies.  One of them was in Harry Potter and the other was in Doctor Who.  Yes, I found that on IMDb.

11 and 10)  Lothar Frey and Black Walder

AKA the Frey goon squad.  They’re equally as recognizable as pies.

9) Kevan Lannister

I literally forgot he was dead until I was preparing this blog, so that pretty much sums it up.

8) Lancel Lannister

I mean, when this guy showed back up, they did all but hold up a picture of him from Season 2.  He was that forgettable.  Plus, he lacks the hustle and awareness that makes a good role player.

7) Grand Maester Pycelle

This dude managed to have a horrific death that still made me laugh out loud when he bitch-slapped a kid.  However, he was docked points for not being a peacock.

6)  Mace Tyrell

RIP Peacock man.

5) Walder Frey

Walder Frey was basically that wine we have tucked away from some random year our friend that knows wines said was good.  That bottle of Johnny Walker Blue we secretly hope our asshat friends don’t drink while we’re away.  His death was inevitable, it was just a matter of when we got to savor it.

4) Tommen Baratheon

During the moments before his self-defenestration, I found it crazy that the Boy Blunder was going to ax himself.  But it made perfect sense, as it created the villain in Cersei this show desperately needed for Season 7 before the loath-able sideshow we’ll have to endure in fighting the White Walkers.  Kid had great form too, 100% DGAF.

3) Loras Tyrell

Loras has been a bust for the last two seasons, but he was a dope swordsman with great hair.  Plus, he was the heir of House Tyrell, and dammit that used to mean something!

They wouldn’t have needed those eye-rocks for his wake.  You know, if his body wasn’t instantly incinerated.

2) High Sparrow

I do not like the High Sparrow.  He’s basically a monotonous professor, mixed with a confirmation class teacher, with a dash of Charles Manson.  My amount of care is less dictated by how much I enjoyed the character, and more by the facts that 1) I’m am relieved he is out of the picture, 2) he made way for a much more intriguing villain, 3) I don’t have to see that weird blankless stare through my soul anymore.

1) Margaery Tyrell

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOkay so it’s not like, the biggest deal that she died.  Arya was probably the only non big three (Jon, Dany, and Tyrion) person that could’ve died that really would’ve deeply bothered me.  But everything about me wanted Margaery to run when she smelled a load of bullshit.  I was incensed at the assclown star-heads that blocked her way…even though I now know she would’ve needed Varys levels of traveling speed to get out of the way of that blast.  I’ll miss Margaery Tyrell and I’ll miss Natalie Dormer…but evidently not nearly as much as Tommen did.

Meanwhile, in the North:

Jon:  Lords and Ladies, we need to unite to fight the White Walkers…

Yohn Royce:  And why would we do that?

Lyanna Mormont:  Are you fucking kidding me Royce?

Royce:  I beg your pardon…

Lyanna:  Pardon this dipshit. *wanker gesture*  Get your head out of your enormous ass and pledge to Jon Snow.

Wyman Manderly:  My Lady, you mustn’t…

Lyanna:  The fuck you say Manderly?  Your triple chin trying to dribble out some horseshit?  I have 62 fucking men.  Six.  Two.  And they were all behind Jon Snow the entire time.  And you, the human embodiment of a KFC Double Down, just sat there on your bean bag chair ass doing dick all with your army.

Wyman Manderly:  Please, I just didn’t want my family to-

“Oh this?  This is just how many seconds I’m giving you before I show you your tonsils.”

Lyanna:  To what?  See what a competent lord would do?  You’re like a manatee that’s washed ashore, but with less practical purpose.  In fact, if you were a manatee, I wish you’d be back in the water so you could get hit by a boat.

Cley Cerwyn:  Okay, I’ve heard about enough…

Lyanna:  And YOU, Cerwyn!  The only thing you’ve ever handled properly was your own dick after it took you months to find it.

Cley Cerwyn:  Stop it, you’re being mean!

Lyanna:  What’re you gonna do, go run and tell daddy?  Oh, that’s right, he was flayed alive in front of you.  And guess what, he STILL has thicker skin than you.

Robett Glover:  That’s it!  I’m ending this right-

*Lyanna stands up and just starts repeatedly, unceasingly kicking Lord Glover in the balls*

Jon:  So…what do you say?

Everyone:  …the King in the North?

Lyanna:  *kicks Lord Glover in the balls again*  I can’t hear you.

Everyone:  The King in the North!

And finally to the Tower of Joy.  So Jon’s a Targaryen.  But he’s still half Stark, which explains why he’s chronically inept.  Overall, it’s still a monumental revelation regardless of how telegraphed it was.  Though, don’t expect that to become common knowledge anytime soon.  I mean, this is Bran you’re counting on with this information.  Kid’s about as clutch as a brain tumor.  Even if word got out, if Dany gets push back from the Seven Kingdoms, Jon being family isn’t gonna look super hot.  The only good thing is the Targaryen’s love incest as much as they love lighting shit on fire, so Jon and Dany could make a power couple bigger than Jay-Z and Beyonce.  But with dragons.

Stupidity is clearly sexually transmitted in Westeros cause Talisa dicked up saving this Frankenstein fuck’s life
  1. Seriously though, I wish I was the one guy who hadn’t read/thought of the R+L=J theory and was just like “OH SHIT SON” during that reveal.
  2. I mean, if Natalie Dormer was the only girl I had ever hooked up with and she died, I might jump out a window too.  The things Tommen does for love…
  3. Daario:  What will you do without me?
    Dany:  Probably rule Westeros and perhaps fall in love with my nephew.
    Daario:  And that’s what you want?
    Audience:  FOR GODS SAKE, YES!
  4. Never have I ever wanted someone to have a threesome more than Bronn in that scene where clearly someone was gonna get got.  Please Bronn, go fuck those two gorgeous women and get the fuck out of this room!
  5. Benjen:  I gotta go.
    Bran:  But you just got here?  Why even come at all?
    Benjen:  Cause fuck book readers.
  6. Hey, when you look at the back of the Mountain’s head, it doesn’t look so bad.
  7. Isn’t it weird that the only person championing a woman to lead the North is a former brothel owning wifeslayer and the person that convinced everyone to let a man lead was a 10-year-old girl?
  8. I hope Tommen at least fed Ser Pounce first…
  9. Euron:  Excuse me, which way is Meereen?
    Gendry:  Dude, I have no idea where the fuck I am.
  10. Qyburn went from being introduced with his throat slit to being the person crowning the Queen.  He’s doing this show backwards.
  11. Game of Thrones by Disney:
    Sam:  I’m to be the new Maester!
    Receptionist:  Right this way!
    Sam:  Are these all books for me?
    Receptionist: *singing*  I can show you the world…
  12. Season 3:
    Melisandre to Arya:  “We will meet again…”
    Season 6:
    Jon Snow:  Get the fuck out, Melisandre.
    Audience:  NOOOOOOOOOOOO
  13. It makes sense that Olenna would go to Dorne since it’s basically the Florida of Westeros.  She’s relocating to retire in a state of crazy wack jobs that somehow have a huge amount of influence on who the next leader will be.

Thank you to everyone that read this blog during the Game of Thrones season.  I appreciate you.  Hope you all keep reading whatever the fuck I write about next.

For the Watchers: S6E9 “Battle of the Bastards”

~ Sam Holt ~ 2 Comments

*Spoilers for everything up to this episode of Game of Thrones*

There’s a lot of gut-wrenching twists in Game of Thrones.  So many that viewers of the show are often primed for suffering before it happens, like a Wal-Mart employee on Black Friday or a Cleveland Browns fan.  Every moment of this episode I kept thinking, “Here it comes.”  Even when Littlefinger showed up to save the day, I half expected him to stab Jon or set Winterfell on fire while pissing on the arrow pin-cushion that was Rickon Stark.  Hell, I wasn’t even sure that those dogs wouldn’t attack Sansa instead of Ramsay.  Cause that’s the kinda fucked up shit we’re used to.  Instead we got something worse.  Wholesale victory across the board.  Sure, we were due for a win.  But it feels like there’s a shoe that’s going to drop.  Like Littlefinger tries to marry Sansa, or Dorne comes back into the fray, or Cersei loses her trial and then tells Qyburn to go under the city and use all the- sorry, I’m digressing, you get the picture.

Hey, that’s not fair, get down or I’m telling!

There was a little less of a close call in Essos.  Dany is basically playing on easy mode at this point; it’s not even fair.  Just whips out her Game Genie and summons dragons at will. And by the time she gets to Westeros, she’s probably not going to face much hostility.  After her dragons stop by Euron Greyjoy’s armada for a quick brunch, they should get to Westeros with a lot of sympathetic houses.  Yet again all too easy.  I haven’t seen a fight this one sided since Shireen vs. fire.  And now she’s got the Greyjoy’s!  Though, then again, everything shitty happens to the Greyjoys.  Shit, those boats are gonna sink aren’t they?  Can somebody get the Dothraki some floaties, please!

Meanwhile, in Winterfell…

Jon:  Okay, that about wraps up the reconstruction.  We just put up a shitload of new trees in our god garden-

Sansa:  Godswood.

Jon:  Whatever, and we’re good to go!  Now, to start, like, governing and shit.

Sansa:  Cool, let me know if any lords have come to swear fealty to me.

Jon:  Whoa whoa whoa, who died and made you queen?

Sansa:  Rickon.  That happened like, yesterday.

Jon:  Right.  But I’m like, super cool.  All the girls love me, guys wanna be me, and I’m basically the best swordsman in this show.

Sansa:  What about Brienne?

Jon:  I said swoardsMAN!

Sansa:  *rolls her eyes basically forever*

Jon:  Point is, I should be the lord.  I’m in the show way more and-

*Bran enters Winterfell*

Jon:  OH FOR FUCKS SAKE!

Sansa:  BRAN!

The Entire Audience:  Oh no…

Bran:  Hey guys, I’m back to rule and stuff.  Also, I killed basically everyone with me, except for Benjen, who is dead.

*Dead Benjen waves*

*Silence*

Bran:  Where’s Rickon?  I sent him and Osha to the Umbers for their safety…

*More silence*

Bran:  Oh, also, I had the craziest dream right before I got here, where the Night’s King and I were holding hands as I walked into Winterfell.  And now here I am!  Isn’t that great?

Jon:  You know what, maybe Sansa should be in charge…

He was a lovable goof…

Before we wrap up today, I’d be remiss if I didn’t address the death of Ramsay Bolton.  As many who read this blog know, I’ve championed Ramsay as one of my favorite characters ever since his appearance in Season 3.  Villains are often the most interesting characters since they are unpredictable and can have unusual personalities.  From the start, Ramsay was a charismatic, ruthless sociopath who sadistically laughed his way to the top of the villain hierarchy in a show that has had quite a few memorable antagonists.  He’s killed his father, his step-mom, his half brother, Rickon, Osha, that old lady helping Sansa, a shitload of Ironborn, and Theon’s penis.  Not a bad scoreboard.  As this show shifts from a buch of lovable goofs just hacking off heads to a dreary ice zombie dirge trudging toward inevitability, I have to say I’m going to miss the son of a bitch.  There was even a part of me that was hoping those dogs would just lick the blood off his face and go back in their cages…what’s that?  Just me?  Fine, I knew he had to die and it was a satisfying way to see him go.  May you terrorize and torture people in the fictional character hell where you belong.

Quick Hits:

“Christ, okay, here’s Rickon, just stop glaring at me!”

  1. Should’ve let Lyanna Mormont lead that charge.  Whole army would’ve run in terror.
  2. A Westeros version of the Hangover with Tormund, Bronn, and Podrick.  You’re welcome, Earth.
  3. To all arrogant villains in a surrender negotiation: if the supposedly weaker side requests YOUR surrender, and you don’t have a surprise up your sleeve, you should probably refrain from laughing in their face.
  4. I like the lingering shot on the Arryn’s Banner like 50% of the audience knew who they were.  Better off having a picture of a moon and a door, or a 14 year old kid breastfeeding.
  5. RIP Rickon.  He was a Stark to the end; running in a straight line like an idiot and dying after accomplishing nothing.
  6. I’d love to see the look on the gravedigger’s face when he sees Wun Wun’s body.
  7. The opening credits would’ve spoiled Littlefinger saving the day if literally everyone didn’t see it coming.
  8. I’m glad the Harpies went out doing what they loved…stabbing former masters for no discernible reason whatsoever.
  9. The fuck did Davos think happened to Shireen?  She died of old age?
  10. Hey, Stark Army?  I don’t wanna tell you who to be, but if you see yourself getting surrounded by a phalanx, may not be the best plan to bunch up and wait.
  11. Ramsay:  “Their army’s gone.”
    Bolton Soldier:  “What about the Vale’s army?”
    Ramsay:  “Hey…shut up.”
  12. Quick breakdown of the best archers on the show: 1) Anguy, 2) Ygritte, 3) Ramsay, 4) Blackfish, 5) Olly, last Edmure.  Shame only the last one is still in the show.