For The Watchers: Game of Thrones Season 6 Preview

April 18, 2016April 18, 2016 ~ Sam Holt ~ Leave a comment

*Spoilers through the end of Season 5*

Lots has happened since the end of Game of Thrones Season 5. Donald Trump could be our next president. Peyton Manning retired. And I finished the A Song of Ice and Fire series. Finishing the books added new perspective (and allowed me to relive all the depression all over again), but it’s interesting just how blind both book readers and non-book viewers are going into this season. There are roughly 2 or 3 potential plots that seem to be coming to fruition for the next season that book readers could have a leg up on. But even then, last season proved that the TV show is basically its own entity at this point, so the time for book spoilers is basically over. It’s a glorious new day where TV viewers can be freed of the smarmy book readers spoiling everything and look forward to all their favorite characters dying sad, horrible deaths.

The anxiety of your favorite characters surviving (nevermind succeeding) is real in the late seasons. So how will the top players perform this year? Here are my predictions (book spoiler free):

Daenerys Targaryen

**Open the fighting pits they said…it’ll be fun they said…**

It’s a rough time to be a queen, and none more obvious than the Mother of Dragons. Episode 9 ended with the collective viewership hoping Drogon would finally get her to land on the shores of Westeros, hopes that were summarily dashed when she ended up back in the hands of the Dothraki. And without Aquaman backing her up, that is not an ideal situation. In the pro column, she’s got Sir Friend Zone and Mr. Steal Your Girl combing the desert for her. On the down side, she might be horse food by the time they find her. But there’s no way Dany won’t make it to Westeros at some point, right? Main characters always live to reach their goals, right? Right? …Right?

Prediction: Dany finally makes it to Westeros…alone.

Tyrion Lannister

**From the looks of it, they’re gazing upon the predictable outcome of this season.**

Varys and Tyrion are back, baby! And they’re running roughshod all over Meereen! I doubt Tyrion’s good fortune will last long because this is Game of Thrones, but Tyrion seems like he’s in a relatively good space, just a city at the brink of Civil War with half of the Queen’s Court gone. But the human one liner machine always finds a way to survive. But that doesn’t necessarily mean Meereen survives with him.

Prediction: Tyrion barely escapes Meereen as it is overthrown and burned to the ground.

Jon Snow

He dead.

Prediction: Just kidding Melisandre saves him and he’s a total vengeful asshole now.

Jaime Lannister

**I told you I don’t like the pixie cut!**

Remember when this shithead was killing Starks left and right and you were like “CUT HIS FUCKING HEAD OFF!” and now you’re like “YEAH GET ‘EM JAIME GET ‘EM!”? Just a perfect redemption story. Jaime has a tall task ahead of him to win back control of King’s Landing and to stick it to the Martell’s. He’s gonna need a hand, but Jaime should be able to bring him back into the arms of the woman he loves. Gross.

Prediction: Jaime takes back King’s Landing, but ends the season in a tight spot.

Bran Stark

Oh this fucking asshole again? Listen, I’ve gotten flack for this, but I don’t really like Bran. He’s just a turd out there. But it looks like business has finally picked up for him. But he’s also at the front lines of the Night War, and if he doesn’t learn to fly soon, he’s going to end up like basically every other male Stark.

Prediction: Bran flies by the end of the season, leading to foreshadowing of him controlling a dragon.

Sansa Stark

Sansa, what is your purpose now? Can you like go find Gendry? He’s more interesting than you! Go find Gendry!

Dude, I have no idea. This chick could have broken legs and be recaptured by the Boltons in minutes. She could team up with Theon and lead the Wildlings into battle. And basically everything in between. The only thing I’m confident about is that Brienne won’t find her.

Prediction: She’ll end up back with Littlefinger cause he probably put a medieval tracking device on her.

Arya Stark

Who?

Prediction: She finally becomes no one.

Cersei Lannister

Everyone’s least favorite alcoholic finally got kinda what was coming to her...but at the expense of like 15 minutes of our lives. Cersei has an uphill battle, but the peaks and valleys of Game of Thrones seem to signal an upswing coming…but this is Game of Thrones, which is why I predict probably my most bold prediction so far:

Prediciton: Cersei dies in the season finale at the hands of her brother…Jaime.

Speaking of those dying, how about a quick lightning round of some other characters I expect to live or die in the upcoming season! (I will omit people that have died in the books from plots yet to be told, all people listed are either still alive in the books, died way earlier, or were created for the TV show).

Live: Samwell Tarly

**Samwell Tarly perfectly summed up by Louise.**

This sack of shit doesn’t do enough to get himself into any real danger. Look, I love Sam as much as the next guy, but without Jon Snow, I fear he’s going to be dangerously boring if actively involved in the new season. Here’s hoping that the new characters attached to his story brighten up his teachings at the Citadel.

Die: Alliser Thorne

If we are entertaining the idea that Jon Snow will rise from the dead (which will probably happen either at the end of the first episode or at the end of the season), Sir Alliser is probably going to be number 1 on his shit list. And I’m not sure if you know this, but motherfucker killed a white walker and like literally 200 other dudes on this show already.

Live: Ramsay Bolton

Die: Tommen Baratheon

This isn’t bold. That surprisingly attractive witch doctor at the beginning of last season basically told young Cersei all her kids were taking dirt naps before her. Batter up.

Live: Gendry

But only cause he won’t be in the season. Just keep swimming.

Die: A shit ton of religious folks in King’s Landing

The Mountain: Basically Medieval Jason Vorhees

It’s been a good run for the Faith, but yeah, Zombie Mountain looks pissed. If he can even be pissed. Is he like a weird robot? Really doesn’t matter, wouldn’t wanna be in the same area code as that thing.

Live: Theon Greyjoy

Rumors persist of a large Greyjoy presence in this season, and it would be really awkward to have all these new Greyjoy’s running around without a busted ass Theon to run into. I’m guessing he guts it out and limps his way into Season 7.

Die: Brienne of Tarth

Brienne has had a great run. She protected Renly until he got killed, assisted Catelyn Stark in delivering the most valuable prisoner back to the enemy for no benefit. She straight up couldn’t “save” Arya or Sansa with an opportunity for both. And she ambiguously killed her, um, arch nemesis? I guess? Moral of the story is, if you’ve done everything you’re supposed to do, you’re now useless. Byeeeeeee.

Live: Margaery Tyrell

**My next post might just be the 9 other pictures of Natalie Dormer I wanted to use here.**

This one is probably just wishful thinking. Actually it’s all wishful thinking. Please, don’t kill Natalie Dormer.

Die: Loras Tyrell

….But you can totally kill her brother. I really don’t give a shit.

Live: Varys and Littlefinger

These guys are never dying. A fucking white walker riding a dragon could challenge them to a trial by combat and they’d still find a way to survive. I think they can swindle their way into Season 7. LOCK IT UP!

Die: Jorah Mormont

Greyscale is like a cross between the plague, a zombie infection, and rocks. But look on the bright side, instead of being a whiny bitch, at least he’ll finally get some thick skin!

Live: Podrick Payne

Listen guys, they can’t kill him. The women of the Seven Kingdoms will not let him die. He has way too much love to give. And let’s not forget, he’s got the best sword in Westeros.

Die: Hodor

But the other lovable lump will not be so lucky. Hodor is one of the most adorable, innocent, and enjoyable character in the Game of Thrones universe. And his death will spurn Bran Stark to a crusade against his enemies. Or he’ll just continue being a turd.

Can’t wait for Sunday! Here’s to a season of excitement, despair, and many Tyrion and Varys conversations!

Game of Thrones Recap: Season 5 Episode 9 “The Dance of Dragons”

June 9, 2015June 9, 2015 ~ Sam Holt ~ Leave a comment

(Spoilers for every episode of Game of Thrones.)

Episode 9. If you’ve gotten this far into Game of Thrones, you know the pedigree. Ned Stark. Blackwater. Red Wedding. Castle Black. “The Dance of Dragons” may not be the best episode 9 of the series, but it surely lived up to the name. Delivering one of the best episodes of the season, there were a range of emotions running from sheer anger, overwhelming dread, and, if you’re me, raucous joy by the way I personally may or may not have audibly cheered in a room with only myself and my fat dog. But, like this episode did, let’s power through the bad before we get to the good.

Let’s start in the North, where we were teased a showdown between Ramsay and Stannis and instead we got the least cool camping trip ever. Ramsay’s genius plan boiled down to a bunch of dudes setting fires on tents and horses and killing basically no one. Was it effective? Sure. But why even bother to tease it? It wasn’t that stunning visually, other than that moment with the burning horse…and would you believe me if I told you that wouldn’t be the worst thing to watch burn alive this episode? Wait, you would? Anyway, I half expected for Stannis to wake up to find half his army flayed or some shit. How did Roose accept this? I believe it went a little something like this:

Roose: We’re gonna stay behind the wall and wait for them to starve.

Ramsay: Dad, don’t do that, we gotta go on the offensive!

Roose: We can’t lose our advantage.

Ramsay: But it’s guaranteed to work!

Roose: What is it?

Ramsay: I’m gonna take a buncha guys, and we’re gonna light some shit on fire, and then Stannis will get really miffed and probably do something rash that’ll make him completely unforgivable!

Roose: …that’s a goddamn foolproof plan and I’m so fucking happy you’re my son.

Ramsay: Thanks Dad!

Roose: Wanna go rape some skinless corpses?

Ramsay: Boy do I!

Speaking of missing the point of teases, Jon Snow had a tense moment where it seemed like he briefly was going to be left out in the cold. Then immediately nothing happened. Personally, I assumed this, and got ticked that the “next week on” section teased an uprising within. Ser Alliser is definitely a d-bag, but keeping Jon from getting through the gate wouldn’t end well for him. I mean, just look at Janos Slynt. Seriously, look at him:

Remember that shit? I bet Ser Alliser does. Jon Snow ain’t no bitch anymore. He’s taking heads and not giving a shit about their names.

Now to Dorne, where we- hey, stop booing! C’mon, they tried they’re best! Settle down! Remember Tyene? She’s still there! Better? Okay, good. Seriously, where has Doran been this whole season? He’s like Oberyn, without all the sex and the violence, which surprisingly is still really good! This scene was infuriating only because it shows the potential that could’ve actually happened in this story line. Even the Sands Snakes scene was good. I have no idea where this will go next year. Seemingly, the Sand Snakes will do something, since it would make no sense to introduce them if they’re literally going to do nothing else. Here’s hoping they don’t waste our time and stop threatening Bronn’s life, even if it was in the best way possible.

Also, it’s easy to forget that theoretically no one knows (or is supposed to know) that Myrcella is Jaime’s daughter. The scene where Ellaria casually mentions it wouldn’t be a big deal if he was a Targaryen is telling. Jaime doesn’t admit it, but he doesn’t outright deny it like he and Cersei have to in King’s Landing. For better or (probably) worse, the Lannisters and Martells are family now. If I were Cersei, I would be pumped! Dorne and the Reach are in the family! That’s prime wine country! Oh wait, that’s right, she’s sucking water off the floor. My b.

Okay, theoretically, if oysters are the Viagra of this universe, maybe it’s not a good idea to give them to a teenage girl. Especially when the other two things you’re peddling are called “clams” and “cockles”. Seriously, any Braavosi douchebag can come up with that joke. Anyway, Arya ignored an old man going after her clams to find Meryn Fucking Trant going after an even younger girl’s clam. There’s really no redeeming a pedophile in a fictional universe. Viewers will tolerate betrayal, murder, and even flaying more than pedophilia. Meryn Trant has got to go, and I give him a slim to none chance of surviving the season. If I had to guess, I’d say we’re losing probably 2 or 3 starring/recurring characters next week, and I’d put most of my money on Trant making his donation to the Many Faced God.

Okay, hold on, let me prepare myself to talk about Shireen:

Wait…

Okay, maybe I’m beginning to be able to talk about this. I mean, I’m all for surprising, and it got teased to death, what with Stannis delivering a Father of the Year caliber speech and Melisandre hinting they have no other option, but it kinda felt like Ned Stark all over again. Like, they aren’t REALLY gonna kill that little girl…right? Right? Wrong. This is Game of Thrones, not Dragon Tales. That girl is dust. But hey, silver linings: at least Davos doesn’t need to make that doe carving anymore! This also makes the battle for Winterfell woefully uninteresting. Remember when I joked about Littlefinger being Sansa’s best case scenerio? To think now that everyone else is probably hoping for Littlefinger to clean up the scraps of that battle is crazy. But that’s the world they live in.

Before we get to the climax of the episode, can we take a second to talk about the knight stabbing the dude about to kill Jorah in the back? Seriously guy, you suck at being polite and at being a cheater. Either let the dude kill Jorah and then fight him man to man, or let him kill Jorah and stab him the second after. If you waited literally one second, you would’ve won. Game over. Then the Sons of the Harpy would’ve killed Dany, Daario, and Tyrion, and we never would’ve had to worry about Essos again.

The fight itself had some great dialogue. Daario is really becoming one of my favorite characters (“Your Grace…” “Shut your mouth.”) and Tyrion just gets gold line after gold line (“It’s easy to confuse ‘what is’ with ‘what ought to be’ especially when ‘what is’ has worked out in your favor.”). And the comedy of the stronger competitor beheading the quick competitor was one of the funniest moments of the season (and if that sentence doesn’t tell you what kinda show this is, I don’t know what will). But when the Sons of the Harpy attack, it is legitimately terrifying. This scene is chalked full of characters you care about in imminent danger. Luckily, with all due respect to Hizdahr Zo Loraq (Dany’s second dead husband), no one that mattered had to die because Drogon made the most dramatic entrance since Ramsay in Season 4. He saves everybody in the arena and then let’s Dany ride him off into the sunset. Though, are they really safe? I mean, shouldn’t Dany make sure they get out alive? What if Daario and Jorah are still awkward around each other? And who’s gonna clean up all the dead bodies scattered around? Are we just suppose to stop caring because she- wait. Dany’s finally riding a fucking dragon?

That’s all folks, and remember, don’t make the bang buddy of a sadistic bastard jealous by looking prettier than her.

Game of Thrones Recap: Season 5 Episode 8 “Hardhome”

June 2, 2015June 2, 2015 ~ Sam Holt ~ Leave a comment

(Spoilers for everything up to this episode of Game of Thrones)

Okay, so maybe last week was a bad time to point out that Game of Thrones was getting predictable. Last night, after seasons of intrigue, suspense, and anticipation, Game of Thrones fans finally got to see one of the big moments they’ve been waiting for. And somehow it didn’t involve Tyrion Fucking Lannister talking to Daenerys Fucking Targaryen. Last year’s Episode 8 was probably the best episode in a ridiculously good season and began probably the best 3 episode run this show has ever had. This season has been dull by comparison, but almost every stop in “Hardhome” was fantastic. That being said, I have some qualms with the implications this episode highlighted. I know this will make me sound like the Jebidiah Atkinson, but I’ll defend my thoughts. So before we get to the top story, let’s do some quick hits through Essos and the Seven Kingdoms.

Looks like “Lana” is going to be taking her enemies to the…DANGER ZONE!

Arya finally got a target this week which is…better. Seriously, this whole season has been a wash for Arya (Get it? I hate myself.). But, at least now she’ll get to kill somebody. I’m rather shocked to say somehow Jaqen H’ghar turned into the worst screen partner Arya’s had so far (Quick rankings, 1) the Hound 2) Tywin 3) Syrio 4) Yoren 5) Gendry. Honorable Mention to Jon Snow). With all his mystery, his lack off assassinating really makes him seem much lamer. Although, it seems his teachings are finally getting somewhere. Turning Arya into someone else is a good start. But we can’t forget who she is. She still has that list of people she wants to murder. Out of her whole list, she’s only personally killed Polliver. Admittedly it’s hard for her to kill those people in Braavos. Cersei’s in a cell in King’s Landing. Walder Frey is safely in the plot purgatory that is the Riverlands. The Mountain is unsafely with Qyburn where “the work continues.” And Meryn Trant is on a boat with Mace Tyrell heading to the Iron Bank of…oh shit. OH SHIT GUYS! I hope the Meryn Trant fan club is well rested, cause that mofo is on a one-way train heading straight for the Bone Zone. God, I love this show.

In other Stark news, Sansa found out she was getting Punk’d this whole time. After constantly badgering the Artist Formerly Known as Theon, she finally got Reek to give up his juiciest secret, letting her know that her younger brothers are still alive…somewhere. Sansa still has no idea where they are though, and even if she did, finding them wouldn’t really help their safety with the Boltons still in power. But Bran is supposedly safe becoming a birdman north of the Wall, and Rickon should be (according to one throwaway line of dialogue) with House Umber, who you may remember all the way back from Season 1 as the house with the guy that laughed after his fingers got bit off by a giant fucking wolf. So, you know, nothing to worry about there. I’m not entirely sure what will happen with Sansa, but if Brienne does get through to her and they start traveling to find her brothers…wait no, I still won’t really give a shit.

Elsewhere in Winterfell we were teased with an intriguing plan from Ramsay Bolton to quell the incoming invasion of fire worshipers to the snowed-in castle. Not knowing his intentions, I’m guessing it has to pass the Rule of Cool. No way the ever-pragmatic Roose Bolton would let Ramsay spoil a sure victory unless it was so awesome that the TV audience couldn’t be denied (and let’s face it, sieges don’t make for good TV). This is really the first time since Season 2 that Stannis and Co. are in any sort of danger. It’s almost guaranteed heads will roll in the last two episodes, and very suddenly, Stannis, Shireen, and Ser Davos are all trickling towards the Bone Zone.

Quick note to the High Sparrow: if you want Cersei to confess, you should’ve brought a bucket of wine. That chick would’ve confessed to fucking Jaime on Robert’s dead corpse while worshiping the Lord of Light if she could suck down some Merlot. I mean, look what she did for water.

I really wanted this to be picture at the top of the post, but I didn't want to blow the minds of people who haven't caught up. — I really wanted this to be picture at the top of the post, but I didn’t want to blow the minds of people who haven’t caught up.

After getting Jorah and his weepy, Dashboard Confessional ass out of Meereen, Tyrion delivered a spirited and galvanizing speech to Dany about how to rise up and take the Iron Throne for- wait, I’m sorry? What? He said to not go for the Iron Throne? And stay in Essos forever? That sound you hear is the collective groan of everyone who watched this show ever. But, Tyrion does have a point. The Targaryen’s were one of Seven noble houses. When Robert’s Rebellion was in full swing, only two other Kingdoms were at their side: the Tyrells and the Martells. The Tyrell’s notoriously never join a losing effort, and the Martells would probably die before letting Rhaegar’s sister on the throne. So, it seems that the Iron Throne would require quite a bit of force to take back…which is a good thing for Dany (and us viewers) when that force is three fucking goddamn dragons.

And now, a quick interlude at Castle Black:

Olly: Can I speak to you in private Sam?

Sam: Sure Olly, what is it this time…

Olly: Why is Jon freeing the Wildlings? They killed my-

Sam: Oh, shut the fuck up already Olly, okay? “They killed my parents and ate them. Wah wah wah.” That’s what you sound like. You think you’re the only one with dead parents, Olly?

Olly: No, but they’re evil! They killed everyone I know!

Sam: Oh my Gods, can you go one line of dialogue without mentioning that? They’re really not that bad.

Olly: You’re just saying that because you banged out with one.

Sam: Damn right. You should welcome those Wildlings, maybe you’ll stop whining for a bit and bang out too.

Olly: I’m like 10.

Sam: That’s like 40 in Westeros, go to Mole’s Town and get that sorted out.

Olly: The Wildlings killed everyone in Mole’s Town…

Sam: SHUT THE FUCK UP, OLLY!

Moving on, Jon and Tormund ventured to Hardhome to meet with the Wildlings and save them from a much more imminent death than anticipated. After a brief reunion where Tormund turned the Lord of Bones into the Lord of Broken Skull Fragments and Brain Matter, Jon attempted to convince some Wildlings that he was totes sorry and they should be BFFs for reals now. Predictably they don’t take this well, especially since none of these Wildlings have met Jon Snow, and none of them have been seen before. I mean, that one chick looks familiar. Not sure if I’ve forgotten where I’ve seen her from OH MY GOD:

Pitch Perfect 2 — SHE’S FROM PITCH PERFECT 2!

Unfortunately for her, singing covers of Fall Out Boy to the White Walkers doesn’t really go over well, as her and most of the Wildlings present get fucking dominated by ice zombies. Obviously, this is a lot to talk about, so I’m going to break it down in 10 points.

1) So the White Walkers can seemingly unleash a fog that immediately turns everyone into screaming stabby skeletons? Thank the Gods the fog’s weakness is 10 foot tall wooden gates. Would be a shame if that would’ve acted like every other fog ever known and just gone through that clearly not air tight fence (considering they, you know, LOOKED THROUGH IT).

2) I’m pretty sure if I was a Wildling, I would’ve killed all the Thenns just on principle. If there’s a chance you could eat me, you’re not allowed to be my neighbor.

3) FUCKING GIANTS YEAH! FUCKING GIANTS YEAH! FUCKING GIANTS YEAH!

4) The minute the German chick from Pitch Perfect 2 puts her kids on the boat, she’s a goner. Human beings are so predictable.

5) Okay, are we just going to assume wights (the official name for the risen dead) play by most zombie rules and you just need to destroy the head? Or was it just ambiguous in that giant fight? Like, I thought only fire destroyed them? I’m guessing all those zombie parts were probably still twitching around, but the camera just didn’t have time to show them.

6) Also, if that was Jon Snow’s sword, I guess Valyrian steel also kills White Walkers? Given that off the top of my head, I can only think of three people with a Valyrian steel sword (Jon, Brienne, and I’m guessing Tommen has Joffrey’s), I’m not sure that’ll be super relevent…until Brienne and Sansa lead a charge to save Bran from the White Walkers!

7) When all those wights made like lemmings and spilled off the cliff, did you really think they were all dead, Jon? I would’ve been halfway to that boat if I was them. I also probably would’ve died way before that if I was them.

8) Seriously, I could watch a giant hit zombies with tree trunks all day. And not to mention just walking across the fucking ocean when you’re done. Who needs boats? Fuck you, Gendry.

9) After the Night’s King dramatically raises all the dead into his army, isn’t it a little funny for them to cut back and see Jon’s boat like literally 50 feet away? I think I’d have a little more urgency on getting my ass the hell out of there.

10) Edd Tollett survived that shit? What an upset! That has to be the biggest surprise survival of a minor character being in danger in the show right? Like seriously, you probably already forgot his name, and I just mentioned it 3 sentences ago. Kid’s got First Ranger written all over him the minute Alliser dies.

And now for my concerns. I touched on the lack of villains in last week’s post, and obviously the White Walkers have been groomed to be the Big Bad of the series. But my concerns lie with whether that is a good thing or not. Before I get pelted with tomatoes, let’s get something straight. Was that battle awesome? You bet your ass it was. Two or three years from now, when we’re watching HBO blow its entire budget on CGI dragons torching CGI White Walkers, will that be epic? Yes, yes it will. But does that make everything else irrelevant? If I told you 2 seasons ago that Tyrion and Dany would meet in this episode, you’d think that was a momentous occasion. Now, it feels like an afterthought. Why do I care who the king is if the White Walkers are just going to wipe everyone out? So what if Stannis or Littlefinger gain control of the North if there’s constant zombie attacks every episode?

The White Walkers are not cut from the cloth of the villains I like. Their motivation remains mysterious. You can’t say they’re brainless, since they clearly are intelligent and methodical. So why take over Westeros? When they bring winter all the way to Dorne, what then? Just chill out and build some igloos? The best villains in zombie movies/shows are rarely the zombies themselves, but the villains people become when faced with an apocalypse. But, that’s clearly not what’s going on here, the zombies ARE the villains. Hopefully they surprise me when their intentions and motivations are revealed, and I’ll happily fall in line with everyone else.

But clearly I’m just overthinking all this, as “Hardhome” was easily the most entertaining episode of this season. And Episode 9 is next week. Traditionally, it is usually the best or one of the best episodes of the season. Here’s hoping this trend doesn’t end.

That mercifully wraps up my ramblings for the week, and remember: don’t try to kill Tyrion around Podrick, or he’ll stab you with his second most impressive spear.

Game of Thrones Recap: Season 5 Episode 6 Unbowed, Unbent, Unbroken

May 19, 2015May 19, 2015 ~ Sam Holt ~ 1 Comment

(Spoiler Warning for all Game of Thrones TV material up to and including this episode.)

If each Game of Thrones episode was a drag race, the sixth episode of each season tends to be the one where the writers hit the nitrous button. The race itself is always exciting, but this is the moment that tends to make or break a season. In the past seasons, episode 6 has given us Ned Stark discovering that Robert is NOT the father, two demands for a trial by combat, Jon Snow first meeting Ygritte, and Dany getting really upset about something:

This episode certainly had its nitrous moments. The race isn’t over yet, but some plot lines are speeding towards a conclusion. But while it was barreling forward, it also hit some bumps in the road that could be leading to a catastrophe. So now, in pure contradiction to this paragraph, let’s start with the most boring part of the episode.

In an episode where many people are kidnapped or arrested, the one I want freed is there on their own free will. A lot of people (I was among them) were jacked up for the return of Jaqen H’ghar and the promise of Arya becoming a Faceless Man. Instead we’ve been treated to Arya being bitched out by the two people who can be spared lines and giving lots of dead body sponge baths. I mean, I get it. Should’ve seen the Karate Kid treatment coming, waxing on and off bodies as Jaqen Miyagi tells her she’s not ready. I guess I just expected a little more intrigue, maybe more recruits to form rivalries with Arya or something. Instead, we’re subjected to Arya washing a dead body, getting repeatedly physically assaulted by a grown man, tricking a small girl into killing herself, and touching the face of a decapitated head in a room full of thousands of decapitated heads. And would you believe me that none of those scenes were even near the most fucked up thing that happened this episode? Moving on…

After contracting Greyscale and finding out his father is dead, you would think things couldn’t get much worse for Jorah. Greyscale is pretty much a death sentence and his father, Jeor, only joined the Night’s Watch because of the shame Jorah brought to his family, which was ironically, through slave trading. But now, since they were captured by Mr. Eko, it seems like Jorah is just on a downward spiral. As always, Tyrion steals the scene, this time saving himself not by offering his family fortune (like last time), but by having a huge dick. Maybe his head wasn’t the best part of him after all…

And now, a brief interlude to character purgatory:

Bran Stark: Varys, welcome to purgatory!

Varys: Where the hell am I? Last thing I remember I was sitting in a brothel trying to figure out why they were so appealing, and then I ended up here.

Bran: Yeah, this is where characters with no story go to chill out for a while. Jorah really wanted out, so he kidnapped your boy Tyrion, and here you are.

Varys: Well that sucks, but I guess it’s better than being dead.

Balon Greyjoy: You can say that again!

Varys: Who else is here?

Bran: Well, Osha and Rickon have been here the longest. Hot Pie spends most of his time here. Meera is moping in the corner. Lancel Lannister had been here for years until just recently. Also, Thoros of Myr-

Hodor: HODOR!

Bran: Yeah, and Hodor is here.

Hodor (smugly): Hodor!

Bran: That never gets old.

Varys: Anyone else?

Bran: People have said they’ve seen the Hound limping around, but I’ll believe it when I see it. Also, like every living Tully and Frey.

Varys (painfully): Ah, SHIT! That dog fucking bit me!

Bran: Oh yeah, that’s Nymeria, she’s been here like the whole time, that’s all she’s good for.

Varys: Anything else I should know about?

Bran: Well there’s this one guy, that no one likes, because he constantly keeps-

Gendry:

Speaking of character purgatory, Olenna “Queen of Thorns” Tyrell finally returned this week, meaning that the sunny King’s Landing was about to get some shade. But while Lady Olenna would destroy Cersei in an episode of Wild ‘n Out, all she could do was watch while the Faith Militant put both her grandchildren behind bars. I have a few quick tangents to go on, so bare with me:

This caption belongs to Petyr Bae-*smack*

1) If Olyvar (the guy who’s sole job seems to be to inform people that the brothel is owned by Petyr Baelish and then immediately get assaulted) was Loras’ squire, couldn’t he plausibly have dressed him? I mean, Lancel did it for Robert in Season 1! Maybe that’s how he saw the Dorne-shaped birthmark on his thigh? I understand it’s hard to think under pressure like that, but surely if you just keep denying it, that can’t be enough proof to settle a he-said/she-said argument? Then again, the Faith Militant don’t exactly seem like the type that care about due process.

2) Margaery: Tommen! They arrested Loras, do something!

Tommen: Uh…

Margaery: Now they’re arresting me!

Tommen: Uh…

Margaery: And they’re killing everyone in the streets!

Tommen: Uh…

Margaery: And the whole city is on fire!

Tommen: Uh…

Margaery: And I forgot to feed Ser Pounce!

Tommen: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

3) Cersei is a well constructed villain that is very fun to root against, but even I’m bothered by how obvious this plot line is going. Sure, Cersei is clearly trying to be her father, someone she is too arrogant and not clever enough to be. And sure, pretending to not know what the Sparrows are up to might fly with your spineless teen-aged son, but you can’t expect the Tyrells to take this lying down? Olenna may be known for her barbs, but she’s also rich and has an army. Remember Sam’s dad who Stannis mentioned a couple episodes ago? He fights for the Tyrells. Cersei may think she’s won, but she’ll be sorely mistaken when she gets abandoned by the Tyrells and the Faith Militant shockingly start playing by their own rules in the next few weeks.

Good, good. Nice and slow, no need for anyone to get hurt.

Okay, so I saved the worst two parts for last. Now, I have not read the books, and will not spoil anything for the TV show that hasn’t been stated in the show. But book people kept telling me how great the Sand Snakes were and they mostly seem PO’d over the way they’ve been portrayed. I don’t blame them, since right now they look like scrubs. They just got handled by 2 dudes with 3 hands. Sure, Bronn got nicked by one of them. Does that mean he’ll die? No, of course- wait what? They poison their blades? Oh for fucks sake…

Listen. If Bronn dies because of them, that does not make them scary or threatening. It makes them seem lucky. Right now they seem like some mooks that just bother the real heroes, like Team Rocket, Draco Malfoy, or those weird garbage dogs from CatDog. But they’re not interesting. They’re not badass, they’re not funny, and they’re not sexy. Basically, they’re not Oberyn.

In Winterfell, some fucking bullshit happened. The writers of Game of Thrones are usually on point. But after this scene (and this interview), things are not looking good. I mean, is it realistic to the characters? Sure. Do worse things happen in the books? It certainly seems so. Do we need to see this scene in a visual medium? Fuck. No. Here’s the good thing for Sansa and the Starks. Ramsay’s getting his head fucking spiked. Stannis is rolling in, and if that doesn’t somehow park his ass, Littlefinger has made damn sure Cersei will take them down, and put her good ol’ uncle in charge! Finally, Sansa can be at peace, and her and Littlefinger can…oh wait shit, best case scenerio she ends up with Littlefinger? This guy? THIS FUCKING GUY? Arya, stop playing with severed heads and save your goddamn sister!

That’s mercifully all for this week, and as always, don’t be named “the Tickler.”

Game of Thrones Recap: Season 5 Episode 5 Kill The Boy

May 16, 2015May 16, 2015 ~ Sam Holt ~ Leave a comment

(Spoilers up until the current episode of Game of Thrones.)

Man, I hope everyone likes the North, cause we got a lot of that this week. Skipping out on King’s Landing (one of only 3 episodes in the series to not feature the capital), the focus was squarely on those in the colder and coldest parts of Westeros. And the stories of Castle Black and Winterfell may be entangled soon as Stannis has begun to march on the Boltons. But before everyone starts swinging their dicks around trying to decide whether Roose’s or Ramsay’s head will look better on a spike, you need to realize what world we’re watching. Shall we have a quick recap of the moments where people were seemingly about to get their comeuppance?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Knq_7MfHO0o

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QS2IYyywZMs

It’s much more likely that Davos is gonna end up flayed while Princess Shireen is forced to watch.

There's a joke here about Shakira and Pinocchio... — There’s a joke here about Shakira and Pinocchio…

Speaking of being forced to watch, Ramsay is commanding Michael Scott levels of awkwardness at the table. But after Ramsay dropped Reek’s marionette, he got a surprise from dear old dad: he’s gonna be a brother. Now, here’s some knowledge for those who don’t know/haven’t paid close attention/forgot: Ramsay was a brother already. Roose had a true-born son that mysteriously died. It’s assumed Ramsay had a part in it. Now, it’s true that Ramsay is indeed a legitimized son of Roose Bolton. But, Roose controls his own heir. Kinda like how Renly figured he should get the throne just cause he and Loras thought Stannis was a shithead. So Roose could double back on Ramsay and call this child his heir. And that’s a thorn in Ramsay’s side the size of Myranda’s hipbone.

Also, to celebrate Mother’s Day, Game of Thrones gave us the weirdest, sociopathic, oddly heartfelt father son moment of all time. They couldn’t have missed the mark more. It is funny that Roose doesn’t so much mind that his son is a psychopathic serial killer, he just doesn’t like that he’s being a shitbag all the time. Especially since Roose is basically a serial killer himself, so you know, they can bond over that. He just wants Ramsay to know he cares for him, especially so Ramsay won’t kill him or his new child. Though, I’m not sure Roose’s story about raping his mother and almost killing him was as touching to Ramsay as Roose hoped it would be.

Over in Mereen, Dany provided the music video that should’ve been for that Fall Out Boy song. After Barristan Selmy got shanked in an alley, Dany decided to throw a bunch of the old slave masters to her dragons. She ended up only roasting one, but it was still pretty effed up. And if you’re feeling sorry for the one that did die, don’t. Homeboy should’ve thought that situation out and gone to the sides. Let’s break it down. You’re in a straight line getting bumped forward by spears. Can’t change that, but that doesn’t mean you can’t increase your chances of survival. Here’s a very detailed chart proving my point:

It is clear the slave masters on the edges are much safer from Zak and Wheezie.

It is clear the edge slavers are farther away from the dragons, meaning they are less likely to be targeted or even get residual burns. Also, Dany’s not walking around a lot, and she’s not gonna push her beau, Hipster zoo Lorax or whatever his name is. Easily survivable encounter, if you just use your head. Much like the men’s bathroom, it’s all about positioning.

Where's Rick Grimes when you need him... — Where’s Rick Grimes when you need him…

And now we land with Tyrion and Jorah, who took a wrong turn in ancient Valyria and found themselves in an episode of the Walking Dead. Seriously, ice zombies weren’t enough, they had to toss in some stone ones too. So evidently, the Stone Men are what happens if Princess Scaleface just got that shit everywhere like the worst case of poison ivy (note: I tried to find an image for that and ended up clawing my eyes out). And it’s evidently super contagious, since just getting touched is a death sentence. That’s hardcore. Walking Dead would’ve ended after 4 episodes if you couldn’t even be touched. And that would’ve been awful, since the Walking Dead now employees like half the cast of The Wire.

And finally, a reenactment of Jon talking to Olly about bringing the Wildlings south of the Wall:

Jon: Olly, be honest, you’re cool with this right?

Olly: THEY KILLED MY GODDAMN PARENTS!

Jon: Yeah, I know how that feels, my dad was killed.

Olly: Oh, I’m sorry, did you watch your dad die?

Jon: Well, no, but-

Olly: And watch your mom get hacked to death by a giant axe-wielding cannibal?

Jon: Well, funny thing about my mom is-

Olly: And then watch everyone you’ve ever known get slaughtered?

Jon: I mean, my brother got murdered recently, and his wife, who I heard was sorta hot, and-

Olly: Oh, and then one of them had the decency to tell me HE WAS GOING TO EAT MY PARENTS!

*long pause*

Jon:…I’m gonna put you down as a maybe.

That’s it, and remember, if you try to get paid by Littlefinger for keeping a secret, think of better last words than “Wait!”

Game of Thrones Recap: Episode 2 – The House of Black and White

April 23, 2015April 23, 2015 ~ Sam Holt ~ Leave a comment

Partnerships are the cornerstone of Game of Thrones. Whether they are based on love (Ned and Cat), oath (Jaime and Brienne), greed (the Hound and Arya), lucrative friendship (Tyrion and Bronn), or sadistic torture (Ramsay and Theon). With a fitting episode title in hand, we witness some clashes between some of the top teams and even rekindle some old partnerships. The House of Black and White felt like it hit a lot of similar beats as the first episode; some minor plot developments happened, but it was mostly just table setting. But now the table looks set, and we’re ready to start the meal. (Spoilers will begin after this point)

Bronn, I believe this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

If Game of Thrones had a tag team championship, it would truly be up for grabs right now. With most of the top pairings of old now split up (Tyrion and Bronn, Brienne and Jaime, Arya and the Hound), we’re looking for a new go-to couple. And while Varys and Tyrion show promise, I’d say the likely runaway champion will be Jaime and Bronn. We saw a short bromance with them last year when Bronn taught Jaime how to fight with one hand. Now they’ll be making a (probably) season-long trek to Dorne. I really could care less if they get Myrcella back or not…it’s about the journey not the destination.

Hi, my name's Doran Martell. My two truths and a lie are: 1) I'm the only one of my siblings that still has their brain in their skull. 2) I'm super sick and could die at any minute from disease or murder. 3) I'm pulling off this haircut. — Hi, my name’s Doran Martell. My two truths and a lie are:
1) I’m the only one of my siblings that still has their brain in their skull.
2) I’m super sick and could die at any minute from disease or murder.
3) I’m pulling off this haircut.

In Dorne itself, we see a understandably discontent Ellaria Sand giving the business to her sort of brother-in-law Doran. It seems that Ellaria is pissed because Doran does not appear as upset that the Mountain used Oberyn’s head like a stressball on a really bad case of the Mondays. But Doran wishes to echo Oberyn’s promise of not hurting little girls in Dorne, and tells Ellaria and her daughters to stay away from Myrcella Lannister, Cersei and ~~Jaime’s~~ Robert’s only daughter. If Myrcella is to marry Doran’s son (as is the current arrangement), it would pull Dorne back into the royal family. However, this agreement was made to smooth over tensions back when Tyrion was helping out the crown. Now Tyrion has killed more Lannisters than Oberyn has (not saying much, Oberyn really dropped the ball). It seriously is not good to be a Lannister child these days.

I never should've left that cave... — I never should’ve left that cave…

The House of Black and White was also a rare triumph for House Stark all around, setting up what should be a solid season for them. Jon Snow won an election, Arya reunited with an old friend, Sansa made a (probably) smart decision to stick with Littlefinger, and Bran is guaranteed to survive the season. Let’s start with Jon Snow. Homeboy turns down being legitimized by Stannis and instead gets voted Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch. Even the mopiest of northern bastards would probably take that as a good consolation prize. Of course, real bastards of the north kill everyone their father tells them to and go legit.

A man may not be Jaqen H'Ghar, but a man does have a flair for the dramatic. — A man may not be Jaqen H’Ghar, but a man does have a flair for the dramatic.

Meanwhile, Arya travels to Braavos to find Jaqen H’ghar. We last saw Jaqen when Arya was wasting her 3 death wishes on mooks while she was playing tea time with Tywin. After getting denied by old Mace Windu at the door to the House of Black and White (where she expects to find Jaqen), she does what any normal human being would do: sit outside the house in the rain all night, toss the very important coin she was given in the sea, cut the head off a pigeon, and then warn 3 boys that she’ll kill them. Sarcasm aside, there’s a reason why pretty much everyone loves Arya, and now that Jaqen knows he’s got a pint-sized hitman on his payroll, things are looking to get pretty exciting.

Over in the Vale, Brienne is contemplating her next move while Podrick is contemplating which sex god moves he’s gonna pull on this ale wench.

Unfortunately, he gets cockblocked by Brienne trying to win over Sansa Stark by attempting to murder her uncle’s security detail. I wish they’d give Brienne something better to do. She gets rejected by Jaime, by Arya, and now by Sansa. Can’t she see she has everything she needs clumsily riding right behind her? Speaking of Podrick, it’s a good thing the whole squire/male prostitute thing is working out for him because his throwing accuracy is channeling Ricky Vaughn:

Over in Slaver’s Bay, we get the next installment of Daenerys Targaryen: The Queen Who Sucks at Everything. She’s as good at making decision as the Ferguson Police Department. I’ve seen better rulers in a public elementary school. I had more control over my bowel movements as a baby than she has over Slaver’s Bay. I mean, I get it. I really do. You need to set precedent that crimes do not go unpunished. If you’re really concerned for the future of Slaver’s Bay (and you’re the only one), you gotta roll a few heads. But maybe, juuuuuuust maybe, don’t chop off the head of a kid super loyal to you, especially when the crowd’s reaction is this:

Seriously, what the actual fuck. Like, can we all agree to start doing this at sporting events instead of booing? If you’re Alex Rodriguez, and you walk up to bat at Fenway and 40,000 people just start hissing at you like snakes, what do you do? I’ll tell you what I’d do. Shit my pants. Immediately. Right there on the field. And I wouldn’t even be embarrassed about it. Then I’d waddle out of there.

Speaking of waddling, it’s a good thing my man Tyrion is coming to help this shit show. Besides Tyrion dropping by far the best line of the episode (major NSFW dialogue), he adds legitimacy and intrigue to Dany’s campaign. His opinions won’t be met warmly, and conflict is obviously what drives story. As long as her dragons don’t mistake him for a goat or a tiny girl, he should have a great run in Mereen.

That about wraps it, so until next week, remember, if you’re gonna run from the Hound, make sure you run very fast.

Game of Thrones Recap: The Wars to Come

April 19, 2015April 19, 2015 ~ Sam Holt ~ Leave a comment

First off: Sorry I was late this week. I’ve created a schedule, and will do a Monday/Tuesday and Friday/Saturday post.

When people hear “Game of Thrones,” you think of heads being lobbed off, everybody banging each other, and ice zombies slowly trudging towards the inevitable conclusion. So if you were disappointed with the kick off of the season’s lack of big moments, you would be excused. Sure, there were boobs, butts, and killings (and that all happened in one scene). Not to mention a notable character facing an excruciating death. But that’s all tame for Game of Thrones. Honestly, the winner for the day may have been fans of male nudity, because we got a ton of that. All and all, this episode feels like the bread we get to nibble on while we look over the menu. But when the menu resembles a 5 star tasting menu, that can be exciting all on its own. (Spoilers for the episode begin now.)

Even Meryn Fucking Trant knows shits about to go down.

The first episode is usually a table setting affair. Yet, that’s not to say they are without big moments. Season 1 had Bran getting pushed out a window. Season 2 had the baby murder. Season 3 had the dramatic return of Barristan Selmy (wait, you didn’t remember him from his two whole scenes from season 1?). And Season 4 had probably the most rewarding scene of the entire series. Mance Rayder getting the Last of the Mohicans treatment from Jon Snow may have been a big moment…but all it does is establish Jon Snow for what we know he is. He’s a good man who knows nothing. Jon doesn’t want to watch a man he respects burn. So he threatens his allegiance with his most powerful ally to stand up for his morals. Fine. You’re a Stark. It’s what you do. Just remember that other thing you guys tend to do.

Speaking of people at the Wall, the filters used to shoot the scenes at the Wall may have dulled the look of the Red Woman, but she’s still throwing heat.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ncwbf3WmYSw

Jon, just be careful, remember what happened to the last bastard she gave it up to…

Also, we finally made it back to that city in Essos we briefly teased in an earlier season that everyone is begging to be explored. No, not Braavos, Pentos! For most people who can’t remember the early parts of Season 1, Daenerys and her sociopathic future king turned tree ornament brother Viserys were holed up in this palace with some friggin’ fat dude. You may also remember said fat dude from talking to that other balder fat dude (Varys) in Season 1 while Arya eavesdropped. If you don’t, it’s fine, because there was a whole scene devoted to how Ned Stark thinks Arya is losing her mind and should go chase cats instead.

I mean, if Varys was being a shithead, Littlefinger would've told me... — I mean, if Varys was being a shithead, Littlefinger would’ve told me…

Anyway, that fat dude’s name is Illyrio Mopatis, and besides being a dead ringer for Medieval Ron Swanson, he is the leader of the Targaryen political machine, and has been working with Varys the whole time to try to get Daenerys on the throne. So the same scene where this happened…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7gQyk9DmtHg

…is where this is happening:

So, Varys has finally tipped his hand to another: he believes what is best for “the realm” is to get a Targaryen back in power…Dany to be exact. This is great for 3 reasons:

1) Dany might finally actually start going to Westeros.

2) We finally get to see one of the few major characters who have never interacted with each other interact…hopefully on their way to Westeros.

3) FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THE OLD GODS AND THE NEW GET YOUR FUCKING DRAGON ASS TO WESTEROS ALREADY AND MURDER THAT INNOCENT CHILD AND HIS ADORABLE PET CAT!

My life be like "oooh aaaah" — My life be like “oooh aaaah”

Meanwhile, Littlefinger is going straight Life of a Don status and has taken on an apprentice. Sansa has not been a great character. She was probably the stiffest Stark at the beginning of season 4, which is saying something since 3 of them are dead. But her recent turn on Littlefinger’s arm is very intriguing. Is she genuinely interested in him? Is she using him as protection? Does she want to become more street savvy? Does she even care? I’m down with Sansa now, best thing to happen to the Vale since they installed a moon door.

I wanted to show an image with these two from season 5, but finding one that was appropriate was rather difficult.

In Slaver’s Bay, Dany still hates slavery. The people still want old customs to come back. Dany gets mad because they sound barbaric to her Westerosi perspective (I mean, what’s wrong with a bunch of kids fighting to the death? They’re making millions off it today!). But Daario manages to magically sex her into changing her mind. Okay, time out. I’m sorry. Sure, I can suspend my disbelief that this world has dragons. And magic. And walking ice zombies no one seems to care about. But I draw the line at being able to bang a girl so hard she changes her mind on a political issue. Is this a real thing? Is there a pill I can buy? Is this how Clinton became president?

Also, there’s some weird bird faced people that are killing the unsullied. Don’t worry, I’m sure we’ll never hear about that again.

And lastly,Brienne doesn’t want Pod to stick around. Pod is sad. This-wait what’s that Sansa?

See you next week, and remember, don’t take out a sword in the Dothraki Sacred City while asking for a Golden Crown.

Game of Thrones Season 5 Preview

April 6, 2015April 7, 2015 ~ Sam Holt ~ 3 Comments

I’m not gonna deny it. Game of Thrones is my favorite show on TV, and probably my favorite show ever. I love shows with rich stories and compelling characters, like The Wire, Breaking Bad, Firefly, and Rocket Power. And it’s fresh off one of its best seasons yet. So, with the new season starting Sunday, everyone should be pumped up for the glorious return of your favorite show about sex, bloodshed, and the political maneuverings of a former Baltimore Mayor. I will say before we start, I have not read the books. I probably will never read the books. So there will be spoilers for the TV show up until the end of Season 4, but nothing from the books. (I will also provide aside clarification for anyone who is just a casual viewer of Game of Thrones in parenthesis. This will probably be useful to you if you refer to characters as Interpreter Lady, Male Ginger Wildling, or That Fat Kid Who Rules At Sex.)

Clearly Westeros needs to catch up on The Wire…

However, the focus of Game of Thrones has been stretched to even surprising levels by its standards. I’m half expecting the opening to this season to take 5 minutes showing the various Rube Goldberg devices raising up every important location from Braavos to the Wall. (to the Wall).

The show now has as many prominent characters in Essos (Desert Dragon Land): Tyrion, Varys (Bald Guy, No Dick), and Arya are all joining Daenerys and Co. across the sea. How long will they last there? Who knows. But if you told me in the beginning we’d still be waiting to see a goddamn Dragon shoreside in Westeros in season 5, I’d probably just guzzle assassination wine.

That didn't go the way you thought it would, did it? No it did not. — Some people had a bad time in King’s Landing last season.

At Kings Landing, it’s safe to say we’ve seen some shit. Sitting on a throne in Westeros right now is probably about as safe as kidnapping Liam Neeson’s daughter. Though I’d gladly wear that crown if it meant I was married to Natalie Dormer (Skanky Queen). But seriously, with one of the biggest questions in the series being “Who will end up on the Iron Throne in the end?”, does anyone think about Tommen? There are people cheering for Daenerys, Tyrion, and Jon Snow, people wary of Littlefinger and the Boltons, nevermind the giant dead white elephant in the room. Let’s face it, Tommen’s not long for the throne, and since there’s only one way you get off the throne…

The rest of Westeros is all about new beginnings. They finally put every one’s favorite frumpy faces together north of the Wall, with Jon Snow and Stannis Baratheon looking like they’re going to be boring best buds together. The Boltons have rolled into Winterfell to begin the first rule of the North under the Flayed Man. Littlefinger and Sansa continue have their “they won’t, right?/please don’t make me watch this” relationship. And we also get introduced to Dorne (Spanish Westeros), where we can only hope every talks with the same accent as Oberyn Martell (YOU RAPED HER! YOU MURDERED HER! etc.). These stories need time to start developing clearer conflicts. So in the meantime, let’s get to some gripes I have with both the upcoming season and Game of Thrones as a whole.

Why did Varys go with Tyrion?

Yeah, I'm sure that beard will totally throw off everyone looking for a dwarf murderer... — Yeah, I’m sure that beard will totally throw off everyone looking for a dwarf murderer…

All right, I get the intention. It’s clear that King’s Landing is about as safe an environment as Normandy Beach, but Varys, seriously. You want to start hanging out with the dude that escaped prison while sentenced to death, murdered two people, one of which was his father, the hand of the king, and travel with him as a stowaway? Won’t someone question why someone on the King’s Counsel just randomly bailed to Essos with no luggage? They won’t suspect you as an accomplice when someone finds you just hanging out with a convicted murderer? Plus, last time you were in Essos, you got your dick chopped off dude! You think Theon’s chomping at the bit to go hang out at the Dreadfort? Hell no! What’s wrong with your brain?

Why didn’t Ned ask for a trial by combat?

Fuck, I just shit my pants...thank the Old Gods everything here smells like shit. — Pictured: Colossal Dumbass

In one of the most memorable scenes in Season 4, Tyrion Lannister demands a trial by combat for the only chance at true justice he can achieve. If an unjust trial in the Game of Thrones universe sounds familiar, that’s because it’s the same plot as in Season 1, where big ol’ teddy bear Ned Stark got dirt napped by Joffrey after Lord Dickface decided to send a message to no one in particular. So, if you’re going down, why not make like Fall Out Boy and go down swinging? Ned Stark was a renown fighter, even went toe to toe with Jaime Lannister (before he turned into a southpaw). He may have been injured, but he must’ve known he would’ve had a puncher’s chance. And if he went free, he could’ve protected his son and supported Stannis’ claim to the throne. Maybe he really believed he could’ve gone to the wall. After all, who wants to die? Clearly he would’ve been terrified about death, since- wait, no, dude didn’t give a flying fuck about dying. Seriously Ned, it couldn’t have been as bad as this. (You probably thought that was Oberyn Martell’s fight, but I’ve surgically removed that from my brain).

Where the fuck did Gendry go?

This isn't just fan service to get more female readers...as far as you know. — This isn’t just fan service to get more female readers…as far as you know.

Seriously? Davos (Ser Onion Nubby Hands) just chunks this hunk on a row boat and sends him gently down the stream? Dude gets fucked by the Brotherhood, gets literally fucked by Melisandre, gets figuratively fucked by Melisandre, and then gets fucked over by the writers. We need a better bastard son on this show. All we got is a mopey sheepdog and a sadistic goblin. Give that kid a crown and Natalie Dormer!

I’ll see you guys next week with a recap of the first episode. And remember, don’t fight the Mountain in one on one combat. (Shit, that did happen didn’t it?)

Shut Up Bender

by Sam Holt

HBO

For The Watchers: Game of Thrones Season 6 Preview

Game of Thrones Recap: Season 5 Episode 9 “The Dance of Dragons”

Game of Thrones Recap: Season 5 Episode 8 “Hardhome”

Game of Thrones Recap: Season 5 Episode 6 Unbowed, Unbent, Unbroken

Game of Thrones Recap: Season 5 Episode 5 Kill The Boy

Game of Thrones Recap: Episode 2 – The House of Black and White

Game of Thrones Recap: The Wars to Come

Game of Thrones Season 5 Preview