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For the Watchers: Season 8 Episode 5 “The Bells”

~ Sam Holt ~ Leave a comment

Varys last

**Spoilers for this episode of Game of Thrones**

While watching this episode, I found myself reflecting on the series a lot.  The implications of what were happening were monumental, but I kept coming back to one conversation had between Varys and Olenna Tyrell in Season 3.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cFZen-XO5II&t=3m18s

At the end of this conversation, Varys says perhaps his most famous line of series.  “But he would see this country burn if he could be king of the ashes.”  Of course, in this scene he’s talking about Littlefinger.   While watching this episode, obviously my mind was on another person…

Prozac
If you or a loved one is suffering from not being queen of Westeros, try new Burnthemol TM

Dany has gone full Mad Queen.  The revelation was a slow burn, unlike King’s Landing, which was more of a broil.  Her ruthlessness and paranoia had peaked in recent episodes with the loss or betrayal of the majority of her allies (and like, whatever Theon was).  Still, to see a character proclaimed ‘mother’ by the slaves she liberated turn into the worst war criminal in the show’s history is…well…at least a slight change.  But she has chosen fear over mercy, as she told Jon right after he refused to fuck her for the second time in as many episodes.  Like c’mon man.  Can’t you just throw a girl a bone when she’s down?  And I mean a bone.  Like fuck, man.  Literally.  At best, it shows her how love is better than fear and maybe thousands of people don’t die.  At worst, you have sex with a crazy cat lady whose cat is a fire-breathing weapon of mass destruction.

Meanwhile, outside of what was King’s Landing

Dany:  Phew, I’m beat, what a long day…

Tyrion:  A long d-  A LONG DAY?!?!

Dany:  Yikes, what’s up with you?

Tyrion:  YOU ROASTED TENS OF THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE ALIVE!

Dany:  Can you believe this guy?

Jon:  YOU FUCKING BURNED THE WHOLE CITY!

Dany:  Why are you guys blaming me for something Sansa basically did?

Tyrion:  ARE YOU-

Jon:  My sister-

Dany:  Cousin.

Tyrion: -FUCKING-

Jon:  -did not just massacre untold numbers of innocent-

Tyrion:  -KIDDING ME?!

Jon:  …people.

Dany:  *fake cries with baby voice* Oh waah.  I’m all butt-huwt cause a wittle town wif some randos went bye-bye.

Davos:  THAT WAS THE CITY I GREW UP IN!

Dany:  And it can be the city you die in too- hang on, here’s my boi.

Grey Worm:  KHALEESI!

*Dany and Grey Worm perform an elaborate handshake with multiple steps that goes on for a full minute.  Multiple high fives, couple booty bumps, a backflip, the whole 9…*

Dany:  Remember when the people were like “oh my god, scary dragon, I hope she doesn’t-”

Grey Worm:  And then…

Dany:  WASTED

*Both laugh while the others look on noticeably horrified*

Tyrion:  My brother was in there…

Dany:  Wait, you let him escape?

Grey Worm:  Dude, that’s fucked up.

jc
“…also, I fucked Brienne.  My b.”

Finally, we come to twincest couple of the year, Jaime and Cersei, getting a weird final moment together.  If you told me 5 years ago they would die together, I’d say that kinda made sense, especially if they killed each other.  But if you told me they died under the Red Keep while it was crumbling on top of them while Cersei begged for her unborn child’s life while Jaime bled to death from a wound inflicted by EURON GREYJOY….well, I would’ve still probably believed you and gotten really fucking mad that some time travel wizard used their powers just to ruin the show for me.  I liked late game Jaime a lot.  He used his powers of wit for good, was the straight man in a lot of great scenes with scene stealing characters like Tyrion, Olenna, and Bronn, and took Brienne’s virginity…which was a thing that certainly happened.  Cersei was the villain the show absolutely needed an episode after it lost Ramsay, and boy did she deliver.  Now its her time to step out of the way for the only villain that could eclipse her levels of monstrosity…and also, definitely, the last one.

GC
Do you know they bothered to name this dude?  Harry Strickland.  No, I didn’t just make that up, look it up, you’ll be the first person to care about him all day.

Quick Hits:

1)  Poor Varys lasted almost the entire show, always serving the realm from the shadows.  Its been a bad season for the dickless so far, with Grey Worm getting the best of the deal by only having to watch his true love beheaded in front of him.

2) Dany’s execution pronunciation of Varys was very matter-of-fact.  Felt like Anne Robinson from the Weakest Link.  “You are the weakest link.  Dracarys.”

3) Dany: This is the only thing left of Missandei, I want you to have it…
Grey Worm:  *throws it in the fire*
Dany:  Okay bitch-

4) The Queensguard was evidently more of a one-man team than the late-2000s Cavs.

5)  I can’t speak much to the Clegane Bowl because it speaks for itself.  It was perfect, from Qyburn getting hilariously dispatched to the Hound finally facing all his fears head on to consummate his revenge.

6) Euron’s the kinda guy that scores a hat-trick on a losing team and celebrates like he won.

7) Big ups to the dude that played the leader of the Golden Company that probably got a pretty decent pay day for a couple days of work.  I think they spent more time talking about the Golden Company than they did showing it get slaughtered.

8)  If you’re one of the few Dothraki that survived…you had quite the ride huh?  Went from serving under Khal Drogo, best Khal in the Dothraki Sea, to following some lady that willingly burned herself alive to hatch not 1, not 2, but fucking 3 DRAGONS.  THEN SHE WAS UNBURNT!  Then you languished through a bunch of slave cities, fighting here and there, until you had to take a wooden horse across the sea, before going to like the coldest place ever, fighting the literal dead with a flame sword, and then, after all that shit, you FINALLY GET TO SACK THE BIGGEST CITY ON THE CONTINENT!  Wooo, Dothraki, you the real winners.

I literally cannot wait to see what the last episode has in store…literally anything could happen in those last 80 minutes.  See you one final time, next week.

For the Watchers: Season 7 Episode 6 “Beyond the Wall”

~ Sam Holt ~ Leave a comment

BTW

*Spoilers for Ballers…just kidding.  Fuck Ballers.*

Well, I hope y’all are happy.  Everyone was bitching and moaning about the dragons being unstoppable.  Well, you’ve gone and done it.  The White Walkers went and added an ace to their rotation at the deadline.  Now it’s 2 dragons vs 1 (not to mention the Night King has a rocket for an arm), and what already seemed like impossible odds are getting stacked even higher against the living. But fear not, for even as things looked bleak after this week’s devastating turn, the living still have one thing up their sleeve. No, not high quality banter – movement! Those warm-blooded fuckers just zip around the continent all day! Need a sprinter to the Wall? That’s 10 minutes. Raven going south? Give it half a ‘sode. Dragon needs to fly in to save the day? That’ll probably be a cool quarter-hour.  And boom!  You’ve now traveled like 400% farther than any of the ice zombies have in the past 3 seasons.  Look, I get the timeline being punted for more action and plot movement, but can I just be expected to believe that Euron can traverse the seas at will, or that Jon can run back and forth thousands of miles in a few episodes, and that Dany and Drogon can just instantly be any- WHO CARES MOTHER FUCKERS WE GONNA HAVE DRAGON ON DRAGON COMBAT *in two years* HOLY SHIT WOW OMG WOW!!!

ArSa
“Oh, have you come to stab me in the back?  That’s the only reason I think you’d have for walking behind me.”

Then, we come to the Stark girls.  And boy does Arya let Sansa have it.  Arya is absolutely right!  Fuckin’ Sansa, trying to betray her family!  Where does she get off? Arya would’ve never betrayed her family!  And sure, obviously Sansa didn’t want Ned and Robb to die, but she could’ve done something about it instead of sitting idly by!  It’s not like Arya just watched her father’s execution, and did nothing.  Nor did she get kidnapped by the Lannisters.  She deffo didn’t use the 3 Jaqen H’ghar executions to not kill Tywin, Cersei, Joffrey, Jaime, or even the Mountain.  And certainly, she didn’t intend on leaving her name behind to become a faceless assassin overseas, severing all ties to her family and her house.  Oh wait, that’s right, she totally did all of that.  But if you wanna threaten to cut off your sister’s face and make it a mask to do Sansa puppet shows with yourself, be my guest.  And why did you just hand Sansa the knife after threatening her? You think Arya left the room for dramatic effect and then walked back in and was like “actually, I need that, I’m gonna go kill some White Walkers”? I’m sure that knife will be useful at some crucial moment later for Sansa but shit, Valyrian Steel is at a premium right now! At least give it to Podrick, he might trip and hit something with it.

Meanwhile, beyond the Wall…

Jon:  Hey Jorah, you want your sword back?

Jorah:  My dad’s sword!  Wow, I haven’t seen that in-

Jon:  Yeah, he gave it to me, after I saved his life.  A wight was trying to kill him and I threw a lantern at it.

Jorah:  Quick thinking, I’m sure he was glad-

Jon:  I burned my hand half-off doing that.  But, that was nothing compared to coming back from the dead.

Jorah:  Not sure how that’s relevant, but-

Jon:  ‘Course your father was betrayed by his own people too.  I wasn’t there that time, because I was being held captive by the Wildlings.  But I later killed every person who betrayed him.

Jorah:  And I thank you for it!  Now if you could just-

Jon:  He changed the pommel to a wolf.  Said it was a gift or something.  Something about me having it forever because his son brought shame to his house.

Jorah:  I admit, I’ve made mistakes, but-

Jon:  But here, you have it.  I’m sure he would’ve forgiven you for selling people into slavery.  I’m surprised Dany did, since that’s like her whole thing.  She told me that while we were escalating the clear sexual tension we both have.

Jorah:  *sulks*

Jon:  I’ll just use these daggers against the White Walkers.  I’m one of the only people that’s killed one ever, and it was with that sword, but I’m sure you can do the same.  Sure, I’ve only fought with that sword for seven seasons, but I’m sure I’ll do great with these daggers.

Jorah:  Daggers killed you once.

Jon:  What?

Jorah:  I said, “keep the sword” emo dick.

And now to something I was gonna do last week, but it’s still been on my mind.  Here’s my ideal beyond-the-wall crew if I could choose any living character:

Core Four
Ah yes, the Core F- wait, get out of here Jorah!  No one wants your whiny leper ass in here!

1, 2, 3, and 4) Tormund, Jon, The Hound, and Gendry
Yeah, I’m not an idiot, they got most of this right.  Tormund is a great fighter, is used to the conditions, and is hands down the funniest character on the show right now.  Jon is basically batman at this point, complete with brooding and dead parents.  The Hound is the dour muscle always good for a one-liner.  And then there’s Gendry, the prodigal son, back from obscurity and ready for his starring turn.  Good core four right there.

5 and 6)  Brienne and Podrick
Brienne’s inclusion is obvious.  She’s the best fighter and her one-sided sexual tension with Tormund is possibly the best in-joke in the series.  Podrick’s been known to shine in big situations, and nothing is bigger than his dick this situation.

7) Bronn
Oh you gotta be fucking with me you put together a Suicide Squad that didn’t include Bronn?  That dude was made for this type of shit!  Why not?  Don’t tell me he’s too far away, mother fuckers are beaming-up-Scotty all over the fucking continent.  You could have literally just thrown him in the Eastwatch jail and have him been like “my last company behind bars was a lot more easy on the eyes!” and everyone would’ve been on board!  HBO fucked up.  Bronn is wasting away on a garbage team.

Quick Hits:

Oberyn Martell
RIP Season 4 – Season 4 Gone, but not forgotten.

1) Thinking of potential others to go beyond the wall made me feel bad Oberyn couldn’t be there.  And now I’m upset it didn’t happen.  He would’ve reminisced about killing the Mountain with the Hound, gone shot for shot with Thoros…hell…he probably would’ve fucked Tormund!

2) Tyrion:  You’ve been known to lose your temper…
Dany:  Name one time.
Tyrion:  When you burnt Dick-
Dany:  BITCH I’LL ROAST YOUR ASS TO GLASS AND USE YOUR LITTLE BOOTS AS PARCHMENT WEIGHTS!

3) Let’s re-imagine the scene where Edmure misses the boat before the Blackfish hits it, but this time it’s just Bronn missing shot after shot with the ballista before the Night King just hits the dragon with an ice spear.

4)  Jon:  Uncle Benjen!  I haven’t seen you in like 6 years!  We have so much to discuss!
Benjen:  No Jon, you need to ride to safety!
Jon:  Get on the back of the horse, and ride to safety with me!  There’s plenty of room and there are literally dozens of in universe examples of two people riding on a horse.
Benjen:  Nah

5) I like that everyone shits on Gendry.  It’s like they all silently agreed to not be the bitch of the group and chose the one that wouldn’t stop complaining and being weird.  Just like real life.  What, no, I’m not speaking from experience!

6) It’s good to see Littlefinger back to his usual ruses.  It was like seeing an old friend.  If that old friend was a borderline-pedophile that was plotting to murder a girl and take over the world.

7)  You think that wight that was oh-so-conveniently left standing after the White Walker died has an explanation?  Like did he just get lost?  “Shit, is that my White Walker?  Fuck, they all look the same.  Is that racist?  Whatever, I’ll just follow that one…fuck, that wasn’t him.  Where the fuck am I, and who are those- WHAT THE FUCK YOU PUT A BAG ON MY HEAD YOU SHIT BIRD!

8) Jon:  Thanks, Dany.

Dany:  WHAT DID YOU SAY YOU LITTLE BITCH?

Jon:  I’ll bend the knee.

Dany:  Have I mentioned how much I LOVE being called Dany? Best of all my 40 nicknames, frankly.

9) I don’t know what makes me more sad:  that Tormund isn’t going to see Brienne back in Winterfell, or that he and the Hound can’t spend a whole season just backpacking through Westeros bitching at each other.

10) Is it just me, or was it not super clear where the third dragon went after the battle?  I think it’d be great if the dragon was just gone until next season, when it comes out of nowhere and burns Cersei to ash.  Then, after it lands, it takes off it’s mask and Arya was really the dragon the whole time.

If Other Things Were as Stacked as the Golden State Warriors

~ Sam Holt ~ Leave a comment

*Spoilers for the upcoming 2016-17 NBA Season*

If you generally follow sports in any rudimentary way, you probably heard that Kevin Durant signed with the Golden State Warriors, giving a team that just set a wins record a top 5 player without really shaking up their team.  It’s basically unprecedented.  It would’ve been like if the James/Wade/Bosh Miami Heat team just signed Chris Paul or Carmelo Anthony.  But, like my example, many people kept comparing it to sports; what if we go beyond?  I’m here to feed all those who haven’t got a clue about basketball just how ridiculous this signing is.  Not all heroes wear capes…

 Pokemon Team:

Okay, I bet you fuckers love this Pokemon Go bullshit.  Sweeping the nation like Snapchat and social unrest.  So everyone’s wondering, what is the most stacked Pokemon team you can have?  If you had unlimited Master Balls and PokeDollars to spend, what mythological masterclass would you assemble to black out all comers?  Well, it’s all about settin’ ’em up to knock them down.  A team this stacked would destroy any competition.

First up?  Magikarp.  Exactly.  They’ll never see it coming.  Just flopping around like a dingus.  Just act really frustrated and upset that he sucks more than Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 1.  It’s all a ruse, though.  Let them clean up that Magikarp and get complacent.  You’re about to unleash hell.

This is like 1/12 of their effective numbers.

Bam!  Just throw like 35 Zubats at him!  You don’t need to own more than one.  Just toss one out there and let him get all his little Zubat friends.  Those things are the worst.  You’re telling me that another trainer is going to be able to adapt to what they thought was a cupcake matchup that turns into a nocturnal nightmare?  Doubtful.  Hell, the other trainer might quit on the spot, just because fuck Zubats that’s why.

Next out, Mr. Mime.  This is yet another ruse.  You get that chucko fuck out there to dance around and say his shitty name (you know, like mimes totally do) and get the Pokemon and trainer alike to start assaulting him.  Mr. Mime’s not gonna last long, but after all those Zubats, the other trainer is gonna be harried.  They’re not sticking around for the long haul, and Mr. Mime is gonna tire that sucker out.  Eventually, when Mr. Mime succumbs, you got your designated hitter just ready to go.

Jynx.  Yup.  Look at this thing:

That is horrifying.  Dear lord.  Their Pokemon is gonna go running!  One sweet wet one from that chick, and bruh.  Case closed.  And if you’re telling me there’s still a Pokemon out there, well you step right up motherfucker, I got a best friend to tell you about.

His name is Snorlax.  Nighty night dickhead.  Your reign of terror is over.  You can’t even move this bastard.  He just sits there.  And he’s well fed too.  You give that Snorlax nothing but a pallet BJ’s Wholesale pretzel nugget jars every day, and he might as well have his own moon.

Last but not least, is my insurance policy.  Diglett with a gun.  DON’T ASK ME HOW THE MOTHERFUCKER GOT IT HE JUST DOES AND HE IS MAD!  Gotta Confederate Flag bandana and everything.  Man, scares me just thinking about it, little turdball just running rampant like that.  It’ll be that petting zoo all over again.  Man, I just got those baby sheep out of my head…but fuck man, you mess with the bull you’ll get the horns.

Magikarp, Zubats (~35), Mr. Mime, Jynx, Snorlax, Diglett (w/ gun)

Game of Thrones Kingsguard:

All right, let’s get back to my roots.  So the Kingsguard is seven knights sworn to protect the King.  They’ve never been a efficient lot; multiple incompetent assholes, pedophiles, and literal zombies.  But what if we were able to ask anyone, across allegiance, alignment, and aliveness?  Well, we could put together a fearsome band of brutes to protect that dumb child with his pointy chair.

Start at the top, Lord Commander Jon Snow.  He can’t die.  That’s a big pro in my book.  The ability to escape death on a show where pretty much everyone has died is a true talent.  You can’t teach that.  Plus, it gives him another oath to follow, and we all know how much that dude loves rules and being boring.

Dude looks downright orgasmic to have two hands on his sword again.

Next, two handed Jaime Lannister.  Are you like me?  Do you think Jaime Lannister was way better when he had two hands?  I think it’s because he’s down cause he can’t throw righty in to finish the job in his alone time.  But now with both hands back, he’s all lubed up and ready to go.  Just beating them back.  Jerking them around.  With a nice stroke and a quick flourish.  And there’s just not a better finisher in the game.

You can’t have a Kingsguard without Brienne of Tarth.  Who else would you have go on mindless errands all over the place never finding anyone?  Huge gap in your game if you pass her up.  Plus, she adds to your team’s height in case you have to play big.

Speaking of big, gotta go with Zombie Mountain in the four spot.  Brother is just completely brutal.  Low key good surgeon too.  I once saw him perform routine spinal surgery on a guy with his bare hands.  Dude didn’t even feel a thing.  Quite the talent.

You want bigger?  Going with Wun Wun the giant next.  Why?

That’s why.

Sixth spot goes to secret weapon Podrick Payne.  Listen, you never know when you’re gonna need a good honeypot.  What if the Sand Snakes seek redemption and try to kill the King to avenge their father?  Duh, send in Podrick to take them to pound town.  They won’t even know what continent they’re on…probably start speaking valyrian and wasting six seasons  of plot before he’s done.

The last spot may be controversial…it’s Bran Stark.  Now, hear me out.  All you gotta do is tell him to kill everyone.  “Hey Bran, it’d be totally cool if you actively tried to destroy the entire kingdom, thanks.”  Bran will do nothing but solve everything and achieve peace!  It’s a guarantee.

Jon Snow, Jaime Lannister, Brienne of Tarth, Zombie Mountain, Wun Wun, Podrick Payne, Fuckin’ Bran

Music:

It’s not hard to stack a band, especially since the cap limit in the music industry is ridiculous.  That’s how you end up with Kevin, Joe, and Nick Jonas all on the same team.  It’s so unfair.  But, with unlimited money and power, what concoction of sound could be created to reach the peak of audible enjoyment?  And it’s obvious you have to start at the core.  Sir Paul McCartney.  That’s a foundation if I’ve ever seen one.  Songwriting?  Check.  Bass player?  Check.  Backing Vocals?  You got it.  Token southpaw?  Already warming up.

Plus you know…20% chance he’s a vampire.

Lead guitarist is easy.  Jack White.  The man dragged Meg White to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.  If you don’t believe me, try playing drums in Rock Band on expert for “Icky Thump” and let me know when it gets fun.  I’d wait but I’m not eternal yet.

Next is Dave Grohl.  Really don’t care where he goes.  Probably drums, but you’re really signing the intangibles here.  He can play every instrument, carry the equipment, and do your band’s taxes.  Gotta have that man in the trenches.

All right, but you gotta appeal to the kids today.  Taylor Swift?  No way.  Chick is a chemistry nightmare.  She’ll be writing nasty breakup songs about Paul McCartney and claiming “Yesterday” was about her before you know it.  Nope.  Kanye?  Can’t do it.  He already thinks he’s the best band of all time by himself, and he’d get mad Jack White wouldn’t wear his $500 t-shirts.  You want vocals?  Rihanna.  Girl prints platinum records.  I almost subscribed to Tidal for her.  She’s that good.

Now, in the 5th spot, you need a secret weapon.  Gotta jazz it up with something.  And no one jazzes it up better than former President Bill Fucking Clinton.  ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?  NO, NO I AM NOT.  You play two songs without him.  Then in the lead up to the next song, off stage you just hear some sexy saxophone sizzle and in struts that does not inhale but blows people away!  Panties dropping so hard, there’s gonna be a sinkhole at Bonnaroo.  Just give me the gold plated diapers now.

Paul McCartney, Jack White, Dave Grohl, Rihanna, Bill Clinton

For the Watchers: S6E10 “The Winds of Winter”

~ Sam Holt ~ 1 Comment

*Spoilers up to the current episode of Game of Thrones*

The first three seasons of Game of Thrones treated the last episode like an epilogue.  Episode 9 got all the glory and episode 10 reacted to it. That all changed in Season 4, when Tyrion killed Shae and Tywin.  Then, they upped the ante by having Jon Snow be stabbed to death by a prepubescent boy.  But then to the shock of literally no one, they brought him back to life.  So, you can’t fool us again, Game of Thrones.  We know who has plot armor and who doesn’t!  What are you gonna do now, huh?  Well, evidently the answer to that question is basically kill off EVERY OTHER FUCKING CHARACTER.  After Ramsay died in the last episode, I said this show was going to have an antagonist problem.  Sure, they hinted at Cersei turning King’s Landing into her own personal Nagasaki, but even then, a lot predicted that taking things that far would immediately lead to her death, either by wildfire or by Jaime.  Not only is she still alive, she turned back into that cruel sadist she used to be and painted a bulls-eye on her back when everyone was looking for a target.  Now instead of Dany going toe to toe with cat-loving turd Tommen, we get the real clash of Queens we’ve all been waiting for.  With her plans literally out the window, Cersei has nothing left but a vindictive streak and perhaps a desire to prove herself.  This gives us a very tasty tinder box to watch develop in Season 7.  And another worthy antagonist for us to wish dead.

Speaking of the dead, there were no lack of casualties this week.  Seriously, the list of named characters killed off in this episode was eleven.  ELEVEN.  Those are Bran Stark numbers, and he didn’t even kill anyone!  The only Stark that died was in a flashback (good on ya, Starks, can’t even stop from dying when you’re not dying).  Here’s a quick breakdown of how I felt about all eleven, from least to most in amount of care:

These are the guys in the pies.  One of them was in Harry Potter and the other was in Doctor Who.  Yes, I found that on IMDb.

11 and 10)  Lothar Frey and Black Walder

AKA the Frey goon squad.  They’re equally as recognizable as pies.

9) Kevan Lannister

I literally forgot he was dead until I was preparing this blog, so that pretty much sums it up.

8) Lancel Lannister

I mean, when this guy showed back up, they did all but hold up a picture of him from Season 2.  He was that forgettable.  Plus, he lacks the hustle and awareness that makes a good role player.

7) Grand Maester Pycelle

This dude managed to have a horrific death that still made me laugh out loud when he bitch-slapped a kid.  However, he was docked points for not being a peacock.

6)  Mace Tyrell

RIP Peacock man.

5) Walder Frey

Walder Frey was basically that wine we have tucked away from some random year our friend that knows wines said was good.  That bottle of Johnny Walker Blue we secretly hope our asshat friends don’t drink while we’re away.  His death was inevitable, it was just a matter of when we got to savor it.

4) Tommen Baratheon

During the moments before his self-defenestration, I found it crazy that the Boy Blunder was going to ax himself.  But it made perfect sense, as it created the villain in Cersei this show desperately needed for Season 7 before the loath-able sideshow we’ll have to endure in fighting the White Walkers.  Kid had great form too, 100% DGAF.

3) Loras Tyrell

Loras has been a bust for the last two seasons, but he was a dope swordsman with great hair.  Plus, he was the heir of House Tyrell, and dammit that used to mean something!

They wouldn’t have needed those eye-rocks for his wake.  You know, if his body wasn’t instantly incinerated.

2) High Sparrow

I do not like the High Sparrow.  He’s basically a monotonous professor, mixed with a confirmation class teacher, with a dash of Charles Manson.  My amount of care is less dictated by how much I enjoyed the character, and more by the facts that 1) I’m am relieved he is out of the picture, 2) he made way for a much more intriguing villain, 3) I don’t have to see that weird blankless stare through my soul anymore.

1) Margaery Tyrell

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOkay so it’s not like, the biggest deal that she died.  Arya was probably the only non big three (Jon, Dany, and Tyrion) person that could’ve died that really would’ve deeply bothered me.  But everything about me wanted Margaery to run when she smelled a load of bullshit.  I was incensed at the assclown star-heads that blocked her way…even though I now know she would’ve needed Varys levels of traveling speed to get out of the way of that blast.  I’ll miss Margaery Tyrell and I’ll miss Natalie Dormer…but evidently not nearly as much as Tommen did.

Meanwhile, in the North:

Jon:  Lords and Ladies, we need to unite to fight the White Walkers…

Yohn Royce:  And why would we do that?

Lyanna Mormont:  Are you fucking kidding me Royce?

Royce:  I beg your pardon…

Lyanna:  Pardon this dipshit. *wanker gesture*  Get your head out of your enormous ass and pledge to Jon Snow.

Wyman Manderly:  My Lady, you mustn’t…

Lyanna:  The fuck you say Manderly?  Your triple chin trying to dribble out some horseshit?  I have 62 fucking men.  Six.  Two.  And they were all behind Jon Snow the entire time.  And you, the human embodiment of a KFC Double Down, just sat there on your bean bag chair ass doing dick all with your army.

Wyman Manderly:  Please, I just didn’t want my family to-

“Oh this?  This is just how many seconds I’m giving you before I show you your tonsils.”

Lyanna:  To what?  See what a competent lord would do?  You’re like a manatee that’s washed ashore, but with less practical purpose.  In fact, if you were a manatee, I wish you’d be back in the water so you could get hit by a boat.

Cley Cerwyn:  Okay, I’ve heard about enough…

Lyanna:  And YOU, Cerwyn!  The only thing you’ve ever handled properly was your own dick after it took you months to find it.

Cley Cerwyn:  Stop it, you’re being mean!

Lyanna:  What’re you gonna do, go run and tell daddy?  Oh, that’s right, he was flayed alive in front of you.  And guess what, he STILL has thicker skin than you.

Robett Glover:  That’s it!  I’m ending this right-

*Lyanna stands up and just starts repeatedly, unceasingly kicking Lord Glover in the balls*

Jon:  So…what do you say?

Everyone:  …the King in the North?

Lyanna:  *kicks Lord Glover in the balls again*  I can’t hear you.

Everyone:  The King in the North!

And finally to the Tower of Joy.  So Jon’s a Targaryen.  But he’s still half Stark, which explains why he’s chronically inept.  Overall, it’s still a monumental revelation regardless of how telegraphed it was.  Though, don’t expect that to become common knowledge anytime soon.  I mean, this is Bran you’re counting on with this information.  Kid’s about as clutch as a brain tumor.  Even if word got out, if Dany gets push back from the Seven Kingdoms, Jon being family isn’t gonna look super hot.  The only good thing is the Targaryen’s love incest as much as they love lighting shit on fire, so Jon and Dany could make a power couple bigger than Jay-Z and Beyonce.  But with dragons.

Stupidity is clearly sexually transmitted in Westeros cause Talisa dicked up saving this Frankenstein fuck’s life
  1. Seriously though, I wish I was the one guy who hadn’t read/thought of the R+L=J theory and was just like “OH SHIT SON” during that reveal.
  2. I mean, if Natalie Dormer was the only girl I had ever hooked up with and she died, I might jump out a window too.  The things Tommen does for love…
  3. Daario:  What will you do without me?
    Dany:  Probably rule Westeros and perhaps fall in love with my nephew.
    Daario:  And that’s what you want?
    Audience:  FOR GODS SAKE, YES!
  4. Never have I ever wanted someone to have a threesome more than Bronn in that scene where clearly someone was gonna get got.  Please Bronn, go fuck those two gorgeous women and get the fuck out of this room!
  5. Benjen:  I gotta go.
    Bran:  But you just got here?  Why even come at all?
    Benjen:  Cause fuck book readers.
  6. Hey, when you look at the back of the Mountain’s head, it doesn’t look so bad.
  7. Isn’t it weird that the only person championing a woman to lead the North is a former brothel owning wifeslayer and the person that convinced everyone to let a man lead was a 10-year-old girl?
  8. I hope Tommen at least fed Ser Pounce first…
  9. Euron:  Excuse me, which way is Meereen?
    Gendry:  Dude, I have no idea where the fuck I am.
  10. Qyburn went from being introduced with his throat slit to being the person crowning the Queen.  He’s doing this show backwards.
  11. Game of Thrones by Disney:
    Sam:  I’m to be the new Maester!
    Receptionist:  Right this way!
    Sam:  Are these all books for me?
    Receptionist: *singing*  I can show you the world…
  12. Season 3:
    Melisandre to Arya:  “We will meet again…”
    Season 6:
    Jon Snow:  Get the fuck out, Melisandre.
    Audience:  NOOOOOOOOOOOO
  13. It makes sense that Olenna would go to Dorne since it’s basically the Florida of Westeros.  She’s relocating to retire in a state of crazy wack jobs that somehow have a huge amount of influence on who the next leader will be.

Thank you to everyone that read this blog during the Game of Thrones season.  I appreciate you.  Hope you all keep reading whatever the fuck I write about next.

For the Watchers: S6E9 “Battle of the Bastards”

~ Sam Holt ~ 2 Comments

*Spoilers for everything up to this episode of Game of Thrones*

There’s a lot of gut-wrenching twists in Game of Thrones.  So many that viewers of the show are often primed for suffering before it happens, like a Wal-Mart employee on Black Friday or a Cleveland Browns fan.  Every moment of this episode I kept thinking, “Here it comes.”  Even when Littlefinger showed up to save the day, I half expected him to stab Jon or set Winterfell on fire while pissing on the arrow pin-cushion that was Rickon Stark.  Hell, I wasn’t even sure that those dogs wouldn’t attack Sansa instead of Ramsay.  Cause that’s the kinda fucked up shit we’re used to.  Instead we got something worse.  Wholesale victory across the board.  Sure, we were due for a win.  But it feels like there’s a shoe that’s going to drop.  Like Littlefinger tries to marry Sansa, or Dorne comes back into the fray, or Cersei loses her trial and then tells Qyburn to go under the city and use all the- sorry, I’m digressing, you get the picture.

Hey, that’s not fair, get down or I’m telling!

There was a little less of a close call in Essos.  Dany is basically playing on easy mode at this point; it’s not even fair.  Just whips out her Game Genie and summons dragons at will. And by the time she gets to Westeros, she’s probably not going to face much hostility.  After her dragons stop by Euron Greyjoy’s armada for a quick brunch, they should get to Westeros with a lot of sympathetic houses.  Yet again all too easy.  I haven’t seen a fight this one sided since Shireen vs. fire.  And now she’s got the Greyjoy’s!  Though, then again, everything shitty happens to the Greyjoys.  Shit, those boats are gonna sink aren’t they?  Can somebody get the Dothraki some floaties, please!

Meanwhile, in Winterfell…

Jon:  Okay, that about wraps up the reconstruction.  We just put up a shitload of new trees in our god garden-

Sansa:  Godswood.

Jon:  Whatever, and we’re good to go!  Now, to start, like, governing and shit.

Sansa:  Cool, let me know if any lords have come to swear fealty to me.

Jon:  Whoa whoa whoa, who died and made you queen?

Sansa:  Rickon.  That happened like, yesterday.

Jon:  Right.  But I’m like, super cool.  All the girls love me, guys wanna be me, and I’m basically the best swordsman in this show.

Sansa:  What about Brienne?

Jon:  I said swoardsMAN!

Sansa:  *rolls her eyes basically forever*

Jon:  Point is, I should be the lord.  I’m in the show way more and-

*Bran enters Winterfell*

Jon:  OH FOR FUCKS SAKE!

Sansa:  BRAN!

The Entire Audience:  Oh no…

Bran:  Hey guys, I’m back to rule and stuff.  Also, I killed basically everyone with me, except for Benjen, who is dead.

*Dead Benjen waves*

*Silence*

Bran:  Where’s Rickon?  I sent him and Osha to the Umbers for their safety…

*More silence*

Bran:  Oh, also, I had the craziest dream right before I got here, where the Night’s King and I were holding hands as I walked into Winterfell.  And now here I am!  Isn’t that great?

Jon:  You know what, maybe Sansa should be in charge…

He was a lovable goof…

Before we wrap up today, I’d be remiss if I didn’t address the death of Ramsay Bolton.  As many who read this blog know, I’ve championed Ramsay as one of my favorite characters ever since his appearance in Season 3.  Villains are often the most interesting characters since they are unpredictable and can have unusual personalities.  From the start, Ramsay was a charismatic, ruthless sociopath who sadistically laughed his way to the top of the villain hierarchy in a show that has had quite a few memorable antagonists.  He’s killed his father, his step-mom, his half brother, Rickon, Osha, that old lady helping Sansa, a shitload of Ironborn, and Theon’s penis.  Not a bad scoreboard.  As this show shifts from a buch of lovable goofs just hacking off heads to a dreary ice zombie dirge trudging toward inevitability, I have to say I’m going to miss the son of a bitch.  There was even a part of me that was hoping those dogs would just lick the blood off his face and go back in their cages…what’s that?  Just me?  Fine, I knew he had to die and it was a satisfying way to see him go.  May you terrorize and torture people in the fictional character hell where you belong.

Quick Hits:

“Christ, okay, here’s Rickon, just stop glaring at me!”

  1. Should’ve let Lyanna Mormont lead that charge.  Whole army would’ve run in terror.
  2. A Westeros version of the Hangover with Tormund, Bronn, and Podrick.  You’re welcome, Earth.
  3. To all arrogant villains in a surrender negotiation: if the supposedly weaker side requests YOUR surrender, and you don’t have a surprise up your sleeve, you should probably refrain from laughing in their face.
  4. I like the lingering shot on the Arryn’s Banner like 50% of the audience knew who they were.  Better off having a picture of a moon and a door, or a 14 year old kid breastfeeding.
  5. RIP Rickon.  He was a Stark to the end; running in a straight line like an idiot and dying after accomplishing nothing.
  6. I’d love to see the look on the gravedigger’s face when he sees Wun Wun’s body.
  7. The opening credits would’ve spoiled Littlefinger saving the day if literally everyone didn’t see it coming.
  8. I’m glad the Harpies went out doing what they loved…stabbing former masters for no discernible reason whatsoever.
  9. The fuck did Davos think happened to Shireen?  She died of old age?
  10. Hey, Stark Army?  I don’t wanna tell you who to be, but if you see yourself getting surrounded by a phalanx, may not be the best plan to bunch up and wait.
  11. Ramsay:  “Their army’s gone.”
    Bolton Soldier:  “What about the Vale’s army?”
    Ramsay:  “Hey…shut up.”
  12. Quick breakdown of the best archers on the show: 1) Anguy, 2) Ygritte, 3) Ramsay, 4) Blackfish, 5) Olly, last Edmure.  Shame only the last one is still in the show.

For the Watchers: S6E8 “No One”

~ Sam Holt ~ Leave a comment

*Spoilers for all episodes of Game of Thrones*

Episode 8 has had a pretty nice pedigree the past two years.  In season 4, they had “The Mountain and the Viper,” which to me is the best episode of Game of Thrones.  Top to bottom that episode didn’t have a bad scene, and it ended with one of the most thrilling moments of the show.  Last year, episode 8 was the smack in the face that was Hardhome.  The episode where it looked like Jon, Tormund, and Edd were gonna just jaunt over to talk politics beyond the wall and ended up with an entire village getting gobsmacked.  This year we got…a lot of talking.  Okay, cool, I like talking.  The Hound might not, but I do.  Ah, look, there’s Tyrion, sure he’s got some snappy quips about- wait, no, he’s literally just telling bad jokes.  Surely this has a point?  No?  Okay, well at least Riverrun has some tension!  Jaime!  Blackfish!  Coming to a head! Oh shit, it’s Brienne!  And she might have to fight Jaime!  Oh man, that would just be- oh, the siege is over and the Blackfish was killed off screen.  And Brienne and Jaime meekly wave at each other.  Well, at least we have that dope trial by combat next- ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!

If you want to remember the good talking episodes, go watch this again.

Even though the episode itself may have been underwhelming, it certainly had some bright spots.  Arya became the first Stark to survive multiple stab wounds and even won a fight with the girl that’s job has literally been to kick her ass for two seasons.  For someone who is supposed to be “no one” and not show emotion, that girl was pretty vindictive and also was the human personification of a goose that a person just happened to walk near.  I also liked that Arya allowed Jaqen to survive…even though Jaqen poisoned himself last season…but didn’t actually, because he was the girl the whole time?  But then they were both alive in the next season?  And how did they make Arya blind anyway?  Does anybody ca- nope, shut up, all that matters is Arya is riding a bullet train to Westeros to go impale some Freys and maybe, like, a Bolton.  And the Starks may need numbers after next week’s battle, cause man…if you think that’s gonna end well, you haven’t been paying attention.

Meanwhile, in King’s Landing…

For fuck’s sake, he’s not even human!  Does no one else see this?  Can he even die?

High Sparrow:  So Your Grace, I trust your wedding bed has been more productive as of late?

Tommen:  Oh man, it’s been awesome!  Thank you so much for talking to her!  She started doing this thing with her-

Lancel:  (sprinting into the room) OUTLAW TRIALS BY COMBAT!

High Sparrow:  Brother Lancel, the Trial by Combat is a sacred right to the people; the Seven judge those accused by-

Lancel:  That’s all cool, and I’m totally down with all your never-blinking voodoo stories, but that fucking monstrosity is going to literally tear us apart!

High Sparrow:  Brother Lancel, please, your faith is being tested, you need to-

Lancel:  My faith will not save me from a man that has been committing Mortal Kombat fatalities on people since before this show even started!

Tommen:  Brother Lancel, please, the Trial is important to the Faith…

Lancel:  He tore a fucking guy’s head off!  He made him into a human Pez dispenser!  Only, instead of Pez, all I got was vertebrae!

High Sparrow:  You just need to trust in the Gods to-

Lancel:  I’ve seen a human coccyx!  I am NOT a doctor!  I’m not even a warrior!  I shouldn’t just SEE a coccyx!

Tommen:  I’m sure one of our warriors could best him in a trial as long as the Gods-

Lancel:  He told me he hates cats.

*Later*

Tommen:  We have decided that Trial by Combat will be forbidden throughout the Seven Kingdoms…

Welcome back to the Brotherhood Without Banners!  While book readers may lament that their return came with the the crushing realization that certain spoiler-y character returns would not be made (at least not yet), I did welcome their return if at least to confirm that they haven’t turned into town-slaughtering maniacs and are just the regular drunk maniacs.  They do seem to be missing that cool archer dude though.  Remember him?  This guy:

We could use some fucking archers on this show right now.  We just lost the Blackfish…Edmure Tully is running amok.  Get this guy out there!  And while you’re at it, BRING BACK GENDRY TOO!  The Brotherhood can just be all the people we’ve missed.  Look, it’s the Hound, and Gendry’s there too, playing with Nymeria.  And guess who just walked in the door?  It’s Oberyn Martell!  And he totally still has his brain in his head!  JUST LET ME DREAM, DAMMIT!

Quick Hits:

I’m not picky, match him up with literally anyone.  Just put him in the damn show.

  1. Dany didn’t look happy about being back.  I wouldn’t be either if I realized they had just wasted 8 episodes drinking wine and making dick jokes.
  2. Varys:  Hey, I’m off to do some secret shit.
    Tyrion:  What is it?
    Varys:  I can’t let them know.
    Tyrion:  Who’s them?
    Varys:  Bye!
  3. Would it be fucked up to name my daughter Arya?  Like, would it be THAT bad?
  4. But seriously, it was good to have the old Jaime Lannister back for 14 seconds.
  5. Jaime waved as Brienne and Pod floated away.  The Blackfish would’ve lit up that boat like a Christmas tree.
  6. And boy did I fucking miss Bronn.  Can we get him back with Tyrion please?
  7. Qyburn:  Cersei, I’ve looked into that rumor you asked me about…
    Cersei:  Does R + L = J?
    Qyburn:  *creepy smile*
  8. Somehow, Edmure Tully ended up the Lannister MVP this season.  That probably ruined lot of parlays.
  9. Thoros of Myr:  Hey, have you seen Gendry?
    The Hound:  What the fuck’s a Gendry?
  10. Arya:  I put another face on the wall.
    Jaqen:  Oh my many-faced-god, how many times do I have to tell you to clean the body first?!  There’s blood everywhere!
  11. Hey Tommen, couldn’t you have banned Trials by Combat before Oberyn died?
  12. Seriously, Arya’s not even that bad!  It’s just like Aria, that’s a real name!  It’s even a character on Pretty Little Liars!  Wait, forget I said that…
  13. I’d like to see the alternate ending where the Blackfish just shoots one arrow and Riverrun explodes.

Next week should be the battle we’ve been waiting for, where surely Jon Snow will kill Ramsay Bolton, the Starks will retake Winterfell, and everyone will live happily ever- oh, who am I kidding, might as start flaying Rickon now.

For The Watchers: S6E7 “The Broken Man”

~ Sam Holt ~ Leave a comment

*Spoilers up to this episode of Game of Thrones*

Game of Thrones this week was pretty simple.  People still hate the Lannisters, Arya spent two seasons training to be an assassin then promptly forgot everything and got herself stabbed, and the Hound came back to spend 20 minutes chopping wood.  That’s all, see you next week.

…

Hey, if the writers can just say “pass” this week and mail it in so can I!

…

…

…

RIP Virtuous Sandor Clegane.  2016-2016

…Fine, I guess there’s more to break down but man, did they just lay a 50 minute fart of an episode.  The big story (and great news) is that Sandor Clegane has returned.  And he’s just fucking tearing the Riverlands a new asshole…uh…chopping wood solemnly, super not hearing the blood curdling screams of like 60 people.  Look, I know he’s got one bad ear, but c’mon.  I think he can here a bunch of assholes just raining arrows on his Sinners Anonymous crew.  Speaking of those assholes, is that the Brotherhood Without Banners?  You know, those puckish outlaws, banded together to dick over the Mountain, benevolently kidnapping Arya and resurrecting dudes the Hound killed?  I mean, they never seemed virtuous Ned Stark types, waving around honor and bad decision making.  But, if that was them, it’s certainly an escalation to go from stealing some supplies from villages to murdering an entire village for having the gall to not be extort-able.  Perhaps we’ll see next week, when Sandor Clegane is hopefully chopping more than wood.

Speaking of chopping wood, Theon Greyjoy is potentially showing signs of life after a “some bad years.”  I’d be happy to see snarky, cocksure confident Theon Greyjoy back, especially with him and Yara seemingly accelerating towards becoming the missing piece to Dany’s conquest.  Speaking of old Theon coming back, let’s take a quick glance at other characters I wish could rise from the dead, or, in one case, just fucking float ashore:

5) Tywin Lannister

Man, if we could will this heartless bastard back to life, I would do it just to see what kind of death he serve the Sparrows.  It would be hard to top what he did to the Reynes of Castamere (not directly told in the show…he locked their subterranean stronghold and filled it with water), but he really needs a new song.

4) Ygritte

At the time, her death seemed necessary, since the Wildlings and the Night’s Watch were mortal enemies.  But now, they’re best buds and the little shit that killed her is doing his best Casper the vengeful ghost impression.  Poor Jon Snow has no luck…though Kit Harrington is doing a little better.

3) Gendry

My affinity to our Westerosi Magellan is well documented.  I hope he’s just with the Brotherhood…then again, after this week, maaaaaaybe not.

We could’ve had this guy on the Iron Throne for 4 seasons now.  Instead we a dope that’s only redeemable quality is he likes cats.

2) Renly Baratheon

Gone over 4 seasons ago, it’s easy to forget how dope Renly Baratheon was.  Most only remember him being the gay guy that wouldn’t fuck Natalie Dormer.  But he’s snarky.  He’s brash. And he’ll tell you what he fucking thinks.  Too bad he’s not a diplomat.  Plus, it would’ve been him uncomfortably getting the sex talk from the High Sparrow, instead of newly pious Margaery Tyrell being told be an ancient man to fuck a child.

1) Oberyn Martell

This list should actually have 3 spaces between Renly and Oberyn just to properly illustrate how far ahead Oberyn is to everyone else.  COME BACK OBERYN!  WE TOOK YOU FOR GRANTED!  AND YOUR DAUGHTERS ARE TOTAL BULLSHIT!  FUUUUUUUUUUUU-

Meanwhile, in the Riverlands:

Jaime:  Blackfish, surrender now and your men shall be spared.

Blackfish:  Dude, you literally have made like 5 promises and 2 oaths, and you just take shits all over them.  So much for “A Lannister always-”

Bronn:  DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE.

Jaime:  But, like, I mean it this time.

Blackfish:  You got a free pass to King’s Landing, and my niece got a knife to the throat.

Jaime:  I’d hardly call losing my hand a free pass…

Blackfish:  And you didn’t even have the decency to do what Catelyn asked!

Jaime:  Yeah, but the Boltons stole Sansa!  Go talk to them!  I ain’t pissing that kid off, he’s probably skinning a child alive right now for fun!

Blackfish:  And what about Arya?

Jaime:  That girl has literally been trying to be not a person for like, 3 seasons.

Blackfish:  What?

Jaime:  Hmm?

Blackfish:  You sound like my nephew.  Mayor of Sucktown, Captain of the U.S.S. Shit for Brains.

Bronn:  Hey, you have to admit, that dude fucks.

Blackfish:  You’d have a better time threatening to hang Bronn; no way the audience would let him die.

Bronn:  Wait, what?

Blackfish:  Doesn’t matter, I’m not going to give you the castle.  Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to spend the next two years practicing my super cool shoot-an-arrow-and-walk-away move.  You have no idea how often that comes up.

Seems like she’s a Stark after all.

Moving on to Arya, who seemingly left her brain at the House of Black and White.  Arya, I’m going to list the people that have called you “sweet girl” in the show:

  1. Jaqen H’ghar

That’s it.  You know they’re trying to kill you and you know they can look like anyone.  The minute you hear “sweet girl” you put your knees to the breeze and hoof it out of there.  You certainly don’t turn, smile, and take a fucking knife to the chest from the first old lady you see.  Also, when walking around with a critical stab wound, it might be in your best interest to ask someone for help.  Like literally, just a soft “help me” or even “I’ve been stabbed multiple times in vital organs, I’d probably be dying if it wasn’t for me probably being intricate to the plot somehow, but somebody needs to provide me with medical assistance to better suspend the audience’s disbelief.”  Either or, really.

Quick Hits:

If you were wondering where your pants are, she’s wearing them.
  1. I’m shocked the church wants a 14 year-old boy to have sex.
  2. Saying Theon has had a some bad years is like saying the Red Wedding didn’t go as planned.
  3. How did it take 6 seasons for Lyanna Mormont to be a character?  She’s like Arya without being diluted by Stark incompetence.
  4. If Lyanna Mormont had been Ned Stark’s 4th natural-born child instead of Bran, we wouldn’t even need the Wall anymore.  She’d also be able to walk.
  5. If Lyanna Mormont were at the Red Wedding, it would’ve been known as “The Slightly Inconvenient Wedding” or “The Last Frey Wedding” or “King Robb Stark’s Wedding.”  Maybe not that last one, she’s not a miracle worker.
  6. Cersei:  I’d never abandon my son.
    Olenna:  You would if he looked like this.
  7. I wish I had enough money to pay for things in “arrogantly tossing a bag of coins.”
  8. Yara:  “I’m sorry, I won’t joke about your penis if it bothers you.  But seriously, kill yourself.”
  9. Casting Ian McShane to play a Septon is like casting Jack McBrayer to play Ramsay Bolton.  Actually, on second thought, that’s more terrifying, forget I said that.
  10. Wildling:  I think we should have cereal for breakfast!
    Wun Wun:  PANCAKES!
    Wildling:  Right, I’ll fetch the syrup.
  11. If Jeor Mormont had birthed Lyanna Mormont instead of Jorah, Lyanna would be hand of the Queen to Danerys Targaryen and Game of Thrones would’ve been one season long.  And no one would’ve had to suffer through this blog.

For the Watchers: S6E6 “Blood of My Blood”

~ Sam Holt ~ 1 Comment

Game of Thrones is known as a show of schemes and plots.  The conniving minds of Westeros (and, unfortunately, Essos) usually come together to outwit, betray, and destroy their opposition.  For the past 5 1/2 seasons, we’ve seen smooth moves from the likes of Tyrion, Littlefinger, Tywin, Varys, Dany, Olenna, Margaery, and even Cersei for a hot minute.  It is also known as a show of death, famously nixing main character after main character, from Ned Stark all the way to Jon Snow the first time.  And somehow, last Sunday we were treated to no schemes, no plots, and perhaps most shockingly, no deaths.  Not even Bolton Knight #2 or even a Stark (Besides Ned, Catelyn, and Robb’s deaths all appearing in Bran’s memory explosion.  Give the Starks credit, they even die in episodes where no one dies.).  This is the first time no one has died in an episode since Season 3, Episode 7 (“The Bear and the Maiden Fair”).  However, that was the episode where Theon got castrated, so I guess you can count Theon’s penis as a casualty.

Edmure Tully:  Now the second most competent person in this picture.
So how did the notoriously bloody Game of Thrones survive with this sudden lack of death?  Some good ol’ fashioned shit happening.  Traveling for 5 episodes?  Guess it’s time to steal your punk-ass dad’s ultra rare sword.  Training to be an assassin for like 2 years?  Fuck that, time to proudly proclaim your existence and slap some fucking rum out of some dumb broad’s hand and say “you’re welcome.”  Haven’t seen some of your favorite characters in a few seasons?  Guess what, we got The Hound, Gendry, and Bronn uh, Benjen Stark, Walder Frey, and Edmure Tully.  Okay, so some of those returns were underwhelming, but man, business is beginning to pick up.

So, if Bran wasn’t satisfied fucking everything up again last week, he starts out this week by immediately fucking up again.  Unfortunately, he gets saved by a particularly not alive Benjen Stark.  I like how they hid his face for his introduction, then revealed his face like 98% of the audience expected to know who it was.  On a good day, the average viewer will recognize Tommen, and that’s with the crown on his head.  As much as I don’t like Bran, at least he’s the first line of defense against the White Walkers, and that’s good since that means I probably won’t have to see Bran much longer.

“Don’t worry, I left a note.  And it says ‘GFY Dad. S my D.'”
Heading south, it turns out being a shitty father is just simply a Game of Thrones theme at this point.  Like somehow Jaime banged his sister and pretends to be his kids’ uncle and he’s like a top 5 dad on the show.  The more impressive thing is that Randyll Tarly basically said he would kill his son, called him fat, and treated what is essentially his step-daughter as less than human…and he’s still not even like bottom 3.  Hey Randyll, burned any children lately?  No?  Had sex with any of them?  Then you’re all right in my book.  Sam then puts his big boy pants on and steals his father’s sword.  His father’s fucking Valyrian steel sword.  There’s like 5 of those left!  They also conveniently kill White Walkers, which makes me believe Sam is not long for the Citadel.  Sorry you couldn’t be a wizard bro.

Meanwhile, in King’s Landing:

High Sparrow:  And now, Queen Margaery will begin her-

Jaime:  Hey fuckboy, how ’bout you give us the queen back?

High Sparrow: I beg your pardon?

Olenna Tyrell:  This plotline has grown stale.  Literally no one likes you.  You have a worse approval rating than Dorne.

High Sparrow:  How dare you!

Olenna Tyrell:  *shrugs*

Jaime: Listen, just give us Margaery, she can go back to having awkward sex scenes with Tommen and you guys can go brood in the background or something.

High Sparrow:  Sure…I could do that…or…

*Tommen appears at High Sparrow’s side*

Audience:  *groans collectively*

High Sparrow:  What was that?

Jaime:  That was the sound of literally everyone watching upset that this is still a thing.

High Sparrow:  What’s wrong with the Sparrows?

Jaime:  Do you think people look forward to Sundays because of church?

Tommen:  Uncle Jaime, I am uniting the crown with the church in order to-

Jaime:  For fuck’s sake, can you just die already?  Let that boat kid be king for all I care.

Tommen:  Uncle!

Jaime:  You don’t know the half of it.  We all know it’s coming, might as well get it over with.  I’m about to go fight the Tully’s, I need some fucking sympathy before everyone hates me again.

Mace Tyrell:  I’m a peacock.

Mace Tyrell:  The Ralph Wiggum of Game of Thrones
Now we come to Arya Stark, who, contrary to past reports, does indeed exist.  Sometimes you just need to almost kill a really nice lady before you figure out who you really are.  That lady was so nice, she made CERSEI look sympathetic.  Luckily for her, Arya sucks at poisoning more than Mace Tyrell does at appearing intelligent.  But she doesn’t have to worry about that anymore since she’s got Needle back.  I just hope that with the House of Black and White coming after her, that she can eviscerate the most arrogant body washer in the history of fiction and finally get her ass to Westeros.  It does seem like everyone is finally getting to Westeros. Except Tyrion.  And Gendry.

  1. Randyll Tarly is trying so hard to be Tywin Lannister I half expected Sam to shoot him with a crossbow.
  2. Gilly:  “He’s a greater warrior than either of you will ever be.”
    Dickon Tarly:  “…the fuck did I do?”
  3. I wanna meet the Dothraki that listened to Dany’s speech and was just like “Nah, I’m good.”
  4. Honestly, what is stopping Cersei from just going on a Grand Theft Auto spree and then just calling for a Trial by Combat each time?  Has she not thought of this?  Don’t answer that.
  5. Could’ve used Lady Crane’s acting in Dorne last year.
  6. I have a book-assisted theory on who the new Lord Commander of the Kingsguard will be, but a huge part of me just wants to see Bronn walk out with a white cloak just casually eating an apple 100% not giving a shit.
  7. Part of me will always be expecting Walder Frey to put Harry Potter in detention.
  8. In all seriousness, Needle was by far the best return this week.
  9. It occurred to me when I was watching Jaqen peel back a man’s face that it probably wasn’t a good idea to be rooting for that guy.
  10. Dany needs a thousand ships?  Let’s hope Yara is better at rowing than Gendry.

That’s our week.  Here’s hoping Arya escapes to Westeros next week, and just starts killing everyone who deserves it:  High Sparrow, Walder Frey, Ramsay Bolton, and most deservedly, Bran.

For the Watchers: S6E5 “The Door”

~ Sam Holt ~ Leave a comment

*Spoilers for Game of Thrones up to the current episode*

Things happen fast in the Game of Thrones universe.  Kids become adults.  Littlefinger makes a 500 mile journey in one episode.  And Sansa steps up and starts holding her own.  It’s about time someone realized Lord Baelish was a total dickhead.  When Sansa called him out on how awful of a decision it was to give her to Ramsay, she says what we were all thinking last year (“If you didn’t know, you’re an idiot.  If you did know, you’re my enemy.”)  With her Baelish banishment though, Sansa appears to be more of a Stark than previously thought, as she throws away the Vale, probably one of (if not, THE) largest army in the Seven Kingdoms, for honor.  They haven’t fought in any wars, and they were willing to fight for her.  Not saying she’s not right…but I’m just saying the last person to choose honor over pragmatism ended up getting most of his family stabbed.  However, trusting Littlefinger got basically the rest of that family stabbed, so it’s really a lose lose.

It’s okay guys, everyone knows you’re the best of all time.  And everyone has totally listened to whatever new album you have.

Looks like there’s a new Red Woman in town!  Can’t be Melisandre because she was on screen for five whole minutes and not once did she take her top off.   Seriously, Melisandre should be looking at this new priest like Cersei looked at Margaery.  She even scared the shit out of Varys.  That butterball literally exists to know shit, and this chick knew such intense deep shit about him he looked like someone told him Radiohead was a bad band.  Honestly, if I lived in this universe, sign me up for some R’hllor.  Hot priests resurrecting you while you just have to super hope you don’t have kings blood in you?  Done and done.  Where do I sign?  Hey, what’re you doing with that leech?

Meanwhile, at the Kingsmoot…

Yara:  I deserve to be queen!

Random Ironborn:  What about Theon?

Theon: Guys, Yara is the best queen the Ironborn could possibly have.  She’s a great leader, a great reaver, and she will-

Euron:  Where’s your cock?

Theon: What?

Euron:  I have a great penis, I should be King.

Theon:  Dude, literally all you’ve done is throw my dad off a bridge and been an asshole.

Euron:  Yes, but do either of you have a penis?

Yara:  What does having a penis have to do with being a good ruler?

Euron:  Basically everything.  Whoever has the best penis is the best ruler everyone knows that.

*Ironborn mostly shrug and nod in agreement*

Yara:  That makes literally no sense.  If anything, caring about your penis definitely makes you a worse ruler.

Euron:  Yes, but have you ever had a penis?

Theon:  I have.

Euron:  How’s that working out for you?

Theon:  YARA DESERVES TO BE QUEEN!

Euron:  May I remind the jury this man is completely devoid of a penis.

Theon:  GODDAMMIT!  My character has depth!  I’m on a redemption story, regaining confidence, and I’m sick of my only descriptive detail is “that guy with no dick!”

*waves crash against the rocks, as a long silence fills the air*

Random Ironborn:  …so you don’t have a penis?

Theon:  That’s it.  Fuck you guys.  I’m going to Essos.

Should’ve pushed him out of a higher window.

And now we finally come to the shitshow beyond the Wall.  Bran Stark is probably indirectly responsible for more deaths than the Great Chicago Fire.  Starts from day 1.  Hey idiot, mom said don’t climb the castle.  How’d that work out for you?  You crippled your dumb legs and started a war.  Maybe if you spent a little more time listening to mom she would’ve been gushing about how awesome your legs are rather than gushing blood from her severed jugular vein.  Then there was Osha and Rickon.  Send them to the Umbers he said.  It’ll be fine he said.  That ended with Shaggydog’s head as a Captain Hook popsicle and Osha getting skewered like a shish kebab.  I’ll give him a pass on Jojen since that cryptic dingus knew it was coming, but this.  THIS is all on Bran.  If you’re going to have unsanctioned warging, you could’ve at least had the decency to check out the ending of the Tower of Joy scene.  But no, you go visit the army of the dead and get yourself found out.  You killed an entire ancient race, your warging Mr. Miagi, your fucking dog, and are directly responsible not only for Hodor’s death, but for his entire fucking sad existence.  Dude was perfectly happy just ambling around tending horses and unlike Theon, actively having a huge penis.  Then you melted his brain and made the point of his entire existence to save your dumbass self.  Frankly Bran is the real villain of this series.  Meera should just leave him before he gets her lit on fire.

 

Quick Hits:

“You colossally fucked up.  You truly are a Stark.”
  1. RIP Summer.  You were always the dog who’s name I knew second most.
  2. “And you Daario?  Do you love me?”  “…oh hey, look at the sun, I gotta go…horse.”
  3. Davos:  With what army are we supposed to take Winterfell?
    Sansa:  I’ve got the Blackfish in Riverrun.
    Davos:  You got the Blackfish?
    Sansa:  You feel better motherfucker?
    Davos:  Shiiiiiit, that’s all you had to say!
  4. You have to drown to become king of the Iron Islands?  Man, Tommen only had to watch his brother get brutally murdered in front of him.
  5. So for those of you scoring at home, if the Night’s King touches you, he can enter cheat codes that allows him to find you and enter your magically blocked super secret base.  Don’t bother trying to figure out why, it just makes sense, okay!
  6. Arya’s upset because they make her dad look stupid.  That’s certainly unfair, because all he did was accept the King’s Hand position, side with Catelyn arresting Tyrion with no evidence, threaten the queen, refuse help from Renly, and trust Littlefinger.
  7. Give me an “Edd Tollett, Lord Commander” sitcom, and give it to me now.
  8. Meera:  Hold the door!
    Hodor:  Hodor!  *Hodor thoughtfully holds the door open for the wights*
    Meera:  HODOR NOOOOO!
  9. Good luck to Jorah for finding a cure to greyscale in the land where child birth is still a 50/50 shot.
  10. I’m hoping Bronn returns next week.  Not sure what he could do though.  Maybe he’ll go back to Dorne.  Sidenote, that is literally the only reason I’d want to go back to Dorne.

And finally, in memory of Hodor, the reigning penis champion of Westeros (look it up if you want, I’m certainly not linking it), I’ve decided to crown a new champion.  Now, I have no way of knowing this, and it’s all speculation, but…I have a pretty good idea:

 

For the Watchers: S6E4 “Book of the Stranger”

~ Sam Holt ~ 1 Comment

 

*Spoilers for Game of Thrones up to the current episode*

Sometimes, you forget.  Whether it’s because of indifference, obliviousness, or ignorance, there are often times you need to be reminded of certain things.  It could be a birthday or an anniversary.  Maybe it’s where you’ve seen the High Sparrow before.  Perhaps it’s the national bird of Peru, the Andean cock-of-the-rock.  This week, Game of Thrones reminded you that Dany fucking runs shit.  That’s what she does.  She wakes up, rubs her piercing non-violet eyes, puts on her New Balance, finds a Drake playlist on Spotify, and fucking runs shit.  In the beginning of this season, I was wondering how Jorah and Daario would managed to smuggle Dany out of Vaes Dothrak.  Turns out they don’t.  Dany just sits there brooding ’til she’s like “Oh shit, that’s right, I’m basically a superhero!” and just toasts some motherfuckers.  I’ve never seen something actively on fire be so cold.  Good luck to Daario if he ever spurns her.  Let’s see how the endless one-liners and x-rated knives work out then.

To the Wall, where so much shit happened, it needs it’s own Quick Hits section.

The Wall Bits:

“I can’t see me loving nobody but you, for all my liiiiife!”
  1. Jon and Sansa reuniting was great, but I kinda wished it had been Jon and Arya.  Or Sansa and Arya.  Jesus, can everyone get the fuck out of Essos please?
  2. I hope someday I find a girl that makes me feel the way Tormund does when he sees Brienne.
  3. Not sure why Melisandre is so guilty about burning Shireen, she totally made all that snow melt even before Ramsay lit their entire camp on fire.
  4. I like that Sansa is taking charge.  It allows Jon Snow to go back to what he does best: being a whiny little bitch.
  5. If Podrick joins the Night’s Watch, it would be the biggest waste of talent since Len Bias.

The combined forces of Jon Snow, the Wildlings, and the Vale’s incoming army attacking Winterfell seems to finally be galvanizing all the northern plotlines towards an engaging center.  Plus, Ramsay’s been dealing with a bit of over exposure lately, since he’s actually making killing people look boring.  They’re just dropping like flies at Winterfell.  This week may have seemed a bit excessive, but you had to do something about Osha eventually.  You either kill Tonks off screen or you kill her on screen, doesn’t make narrative sense to keep her around.  But it’s also starting to not make sense to keep Ramsay around.  He’s not going to be the king, and being Lord of Winterfell isn’t a long term viable option for a tactless sociopath, so he’s probably due some comeuppance.  He’s probably not going to be as big a fan of dogs though, once he sees Ghost.

Meanwhile, in King’s Landing…

Septa Unella: The High Sparrow will see you now.

Margaery: *under her breath* Please don’t tell me a long boring story…please don’t tell me a long boring story…please don’t-

High Sparrow: When I was a cobbler…

Look, I can barely keep my eyes open.

Margaery:  Goddammit.

High Sparrow: What?

Margaery: Seriously, literally no one gives a shit.

High Sparrow:  My dear, you need to hear of my past so you can be motivated to change your ways.

Margaery: More like change the time of my afternoon nap.  Dude, you’re like Nyquil mixed with Benadryl, only you don’t alleviate my irritation.

High Sparrow: You have to atone for your sins…

Margaery:  You gonna shame walk me?

High Sparrow: You must be naked before the eyes of gods and men…

Margaery:  More like naked before the eyes of new HBO Now subscribers…

High Sparrow:  …and complete your walk of atonement through the city…

Margaery: Dude, no fucking way.  The last one took like 15 fucking minutes.  We have way too many plots going on for that to happen.  Don’t you want to see what Sam is puking into this week?

High Sparrow:  No one wants that.

Margaery:  Fair enough, just let me get back to my life.

High Sparrow:  You mean banging a 14 year old?

Margaery:  Well, when you put it like that…

Picture unrelated.

And now we come to the Greyjoys for…well, some reason.  From a non-book perspective, I can’t see why anyone would give a shit.  So far, you have some weird dude that dumped Balon Greyjoy off a bridge, Theon’s sister is basically constantly pissed off, and some old dude rambled about a Kingsmoot.  That’s it.  Now Theon and Yara are fronting the duel-dickless bid for the throne.  I will say Theon seems troubled by the fact that the last person to touch his dick was his sister.  Considering first time he saw her in the show, this is probably quite fitting.

Quick Hits:

You piece of shit!  Stop throwing my gifts out that precariously placed plot device!
  1. As if Meereen isn’t bad enough, Tyrion is basically the worst third wheel since Harry Potter.
  2. Robin Arryn is basically just the face of the Entitlement Generation.  At least Littlefinger got him a present he can’t just throw out the Moon Door.
  3. If Robin ends up married to Sansa at the end of this, the real winner of the Game of Thrones is barely pubescent boys.
  4. Fucking Littlefinger is straight just wearing a black cape now.  He’s not even pretending to be a good guy.  He looks like he’s about to bite someone’s neck or debut his own Halloween cereal.
  5. If I was Jorah, next time Daario gave me shit, I’d just tell him I rubbed my greyscale on the inside of his pants.  Then nothing but “rock hard” puns until Meereen.
  6. I do like to think of the High Sparrow just getting turnt listening to Turn Down For What.
  7. What’s that?  You want two Reeks?  Okay, here you go!
  8. Wouldn’t Jaime know Lancel was the reason Cersei got arrested?  High chance that dude gets the Jory Cassel treatment.
  9. Anyone else notice Ramsay peeled the skin off the apple and then ate it anyway?  What a dickshit.
  10. Oh sweet, Theon is gonna help Yara at the Kingsmoot.  I’m sure he’ll have great things to say like *mumbles incoherently* and *cries incessantly*.  I’m sure that’ll go over great!

Tune in next week, where Bran probably sees the end of the Tower of- what’s that?  The fucking NIGHT KING is there?  Already?  It’s not even halfway through the season!  Oh for fuck’s sake…