George RR Martin

For the Watchers: S6E10 “The Winds of Winter”

~ Sam Holt ~ 1 Comment

*Spoilers up to the current episode of Game of Thrones*

The first three seasons of Game of Thrones treated the last episode like an epilogue.  Episode 9 got all the glory and episode 10 reacted to it. That all changed in Season 4, when Tyrion killed Shae and Tywin.  Then, they upped the ante by having Jon Snow be stabbed to death by a prepubescent boy.  But then to the shock of literally no one, they brought him back to life.  So, you can’t fool us again, Game of Thrones.  We know who has plot armor and who doesn’t!  What are you gonna do now, huh?  Well, evidently the answer to that question is basically kill off EVERY OTHER FUCKING CHARACTER.  After Ramsay died in the last episode, I said this show was going to have an antagonist problem.  Sure, they hinted at Cersei turning King’s Landing into her own personal Nagasaki, but even then, a lot predicted that taking things that far would immediately lead to her death, either by wildfire or by Jaime.  Not only is she still alive, she turned back into that cruel sadist she used to be and painted a bulls-eye on her back when everyone was looking for a target.  Now instead of Dany going toe to toe with cat-loving turd Tommen, we get the real clash of Queens we’ve all been waiting for.  With her plans literally out the window, Cersei has nothing left but a vindictive streak and perhaps a desire to prove herself.  This gives us a very tasty tinder box to watch develop in Season 7.  And another worthy antagonist for us to wish dead.

Speaking of the dead, there were no lack of casualties this week.  Seriously, the list of named characters killed off in this episode was eleven.  ELEVEN.  Those are Bran Stark numbers, and he didn’t even kill anyone!  The only Stark that died was in a flashback (good on ya, Starks, can’t even stop from dying when you’re not dying).  Here’s a quick breakdown of how I felt about all eleven, from least to most in amount of care:

These are the guys in the pies.  One of them was in Harry Potter and the other was in Doctor Who.  Yes, I found that on IMDb.

11 and 10)  Lothar Frey and Black Walder

AKA the Frey goon squad.  They’re equally as recognizable as pies.

9) Kevan Lannister

I literally forgot he was dead until I was preparing this blog, so that pretty much sums it up.

8) Lancel Lannister

I mean, when this guy showed back up, they did all but hold up a picture of him from Season 2.  He was that forgettable.  Plus, he lacks the hustle and awareness that makes a good role player.

7) Grand Maester Pycelle

This dude managed to have a horrific death that still made me laugh out loud when he bitch-slapped a kid.  However, he was docked points for not being a peacock.

6)  Mace Tyrell

RIP Peacock man.

5) Walder Frey

Walder Frey was basically that wine we have tucked away from some random year our friend that knows wines said was good.  That bottle of Johnny Walker Blue we secretly hope our asshat friends don’t drink while we’re away.  His death was inevitable, it was just a matter of when we got to savor it.

4) Tommen Baratheon

During the moments before his self-defenestration, I found it crazy that the Boy Blunder was going to ax himself.  But it made perfect sense, as it created the villain in Cersei this show desperately needed for Season 7 before the loath-able sideshow we’ll have to endure in fighting the White Walkers.  Kid had great form too, 100% DGAF.

3) Loras Tyrell

Loras has been a bust for the last two seasons, but he was a dope swordsman with great hair.  Plus, he was the heir of House Tyrell, and dammit that used to mean something!

They wouldn’t have needed those eye-rocks for his wake.  You know, if his body wasn’t instantly incinerated.

2) High Sparrow

I do not like the High Sparrow.  He’s basically a monotonous professor, mixed with a confirmation class teacher, with a dash of Charles Manson.  My amount of care is less dictated by how much I enjoyed the character, and more by the facts that 1) I’m am relieved he is out of the picture, 2) he made way for a much more intriguing villain, 3) I don’t have to see that weird blankless stare through my soul anymore.

1) Margaery Tyrell

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOkay so it’s not like, the biggest deal that she died.  Arya was probably the only non big three (Jon, Dany, and Tyrion) person that could’ve died that really would’ve deeply bothered me.  But everything about me wanted Margaery to run when she smelled a load of bullshit.  I was incensed at the assclown star-heads that blocked her way…even though I now know she would’ve needed Varys levels of traveling speed to get out of the way of that blast.  I’ll miss Margaery Tyrell and I’ll miss Natalie Dormer…but evidently not nearly as much as Tommen did.

Meanwhile, in the North:

Jon:  Lords and Ladies, we need to unite to fight the White Walkers…

Yohn Royce:  And why would we do that?

Lyanna Mormont:  Are you fucking kidding me Royce?

Royce:  I beg your pardon…

Lyanna:  Pardon this dipshit. *wanker gesture*  Get your head out of your enormous ass and pledge to Jon Snow.

Wyman Manderly:  My Lady, you mustn’t…

Lyanna:  The fuck you say Manderly?  Your triple chin trying to dribble out some horseshit?  I have 62 fucking men.  Six.  Two.  And they were all behind Jon Snow the entire time.  And you, the human embodiment of a KFC Double Down, just sat there on your bean bag chair ass doing dick all with your army.

Wyman Manderly:  Please, I just didn’t want my family to-

“Oh this?  This is just how many seconds I’m giving you before I show you your tonsils.”

Lyanna:  To what?  See what a competent lord would do?  You’re like a manatee that’s washed ashore, but with less practical purpose.  In fact, if you were a manatee, I wish you’d be back in the water so you could get hit by a boat.

Cley Cerwyn:  Okay, I’ve heard about enough…

Lyanna:  And YOU, Cerwyn!  The only thing you’ve ever handled properly was your own dick after it took you months to find it.

Cley Cerwyn:  Stop it, you’re being mean!

Lyanna:  What’re you gonna do, go run and tell daddy?  Oh, that’s right, he was flayed alive in front of you.  And guess what, he STILL has thicker skin than you.

Robett Glover:  That’s it!  I’m ending this right-

*Lyanna stands up and just starts repeatedly, unceasingly kicking Lord Glover in the balls*

Jon:  So…what do you say?

Everyone:  …the King in the North?

Lyanna:  *kicks Lord Glover in the balls again*  I can’t hear you.

Everyone:  The King in the North!

And finally to the Tower of Joy.  So Jon’s a Targaryen.  But he’s still half Stark, which explains why he’s chronically inept.  Overall, it’s still a monumental revelation regardless of how telegraphed it was.  Though, don’t expect that to become common knowledge anytime soon.  I mean, this is Bran you’re counting on with this information.  Kid’s about as clutch as a brain tumor.  Even if word got out, if Dany gets push back from the Seven Kingdoms, Jon being family isn’t gonna look super hot.  The only good thing is the Targaryen’s love incest as much as they love lighting shit on fire, so Jon and Dany could make a power couple bigger than Jay-Z and Beyonce.  But with dragons.

Stupidity is clearly sexually transmitted in Westeros cause Talisa dicked up saving this Frankenstein fuck’s life
  1. Seriously though, I wish I was the one guy who hadn’t read/thought of the R+L=J theory and was just like “OH SHIT SON” during that reveal.
  2. I mean, if Natalie Dormer was the only girl I had ever hooked up with and she died, I might jump out a window too.  The things Tommen does for love…
  3. Daario:  What will you do without me?
    Dany:  Probably rule Westeros and perhaps fall in love with my nephew.
    Daario:  And that’s what you want?
    Audience:  FOR GODS SAKE, YES!
  4. Never have I ever wanted someone to have a threesome more than Bronn in that scene where clearly someone was gonna get got.  Please Bronn, go fuck those two gorgeous women and get the fuck out of this room!
  5. Benjen:  I gotta go.
    Bran:  But you just got here?  Why even come at all?
    Benjen:  Cause fuck book readers.
  6. Hey, when you look at the back of the Mountain’s head, it doesn’t look so bad.
  7. Isn’t it weird that the only person championing a woman to lead the North is a former brothel owning wifeslayer and the person that convinced everyone to let a man lead was a 10-year-old girl?
  8. I hope Tommen at least fed Ser Pounce first…
  9. Euron:  Excuse me, which way is Meereen?
    Gendry:  Dude, I have no idea where the fuck I am.
  10. Qyburn went from being introduced with his throat slit to being the person crowning the Queen.  He’s doing this show backwards.
  11. Game of Thrones by Disney:
    Sam:  I’m to be the new Maester!
    Receptionist:  Right this way!
    Sam:  Are these all books for me?
    Receptionist: *singing*  I can show you the world…
  12. Season 3:
    Melisandre to Arya:  “We will meet again…”
    Season 6:
    Jon Snow:  Get the fuck out, Melisandre.
    Audience:  NOOOOOOOOOOOO
  13. It makes sense that Olenna would go to Dorne since it’s basically the Florida of Westeros.  She’s relocating to retire in a state of crazy wack jobs that somehow have a huge amount of influence on who the next leader will be.

Thank you to everyone that read this blog during the Game of Thrones season.  I appreciate you.  Hope you all keep reading whatever the fuck I write about next.

For the Watchers: S6E9 “Battle of the Bastards”

~ Sam Holt ~ 2 Comments

*Spoilers for everything up to this episode of Game of Thrones*

There’s a lot of gut-wrenching twists in Game of Thrones.  So many that viewers of the show are often primed for suffering before it happens, like a Wal-Mart employee on Black Friday or a Cleveland Browns fan.  Every moment of this episode I kept thinking, “Here it comes.”  Even when Littlefinger showed up to save the day, I half expected him to stab Jon or set Winterfell on fire while pissing on the arrow pin-cushion that was Rickon Stark.  Hell, I wasn’t even sure that those dogs wouldn’t attack Sansa instead of Ramsay.  Cause that’s the kinda fucked up shit we’re used to.  Instead we got something worse.  Wholesale victory across the board.  Sure, we were due for a win.  But it feels like there’s a shoe that’s going to drop.  Like Littlefinger tries to marry Sansa, or Dorne comes back into the fray, or Cersei loses her trial and then tells Qyburn to go under the city and use all the- sorry, I’m digressing, you get the picture.

Hey, that’s not fair, get down or I’m telling!

There was a little less of a close call in Essos.  Dany is basically playing on easy mode at this point; it’s not even fair.  Just whips out her Game Genie and summons dragons at will. And by the time she gets to Westeros, she’s probably not going to face much hostility.  After her dragons stop by Euron Greyjoy’s armada for a quick brunch, they should get to Westeros with a lot of sympathetic houses.  Yet again all too easy.  I haven’t seen a fight this one sided since Shireen vs. fire.  And now she’s got the Greyjoy’s!  Though, then again, everything shitty happens to the Greyjoys.  Shit, those boats are gonna sink aren’t they?  Can somebody get the Dothraki some floaties, please!

Meanwhile, in Winterfell…

Jon:  Okay, that about wraps up the reconstruction.  We just put up a shitload of new trees in our god garden-

Sansa:  Godswood.

Jon:  Whatever, and we’re good to go!  Now, to start, like, governing and shit.

Sansa:  Cool, let me know if any lords have come to swear fealty to me.

Jon:  Whoa whoa whoa, who died and made you queen?

Sansa:  Rickon.  That happened like, yesterday.

Jon:  Right.  But I’m like, super cool.  All the girls love me, guys wanna be me, and I’m basically the best swordsman in this show.

Sansa:  What about Brienne?

Jon:  I said swoardsMAN!

Sansa:  *rolls her eyes basically forever*

Jon:  Point is, I should be the lord.  I’m in the show way more and-

*Bran enters Winterfell*

Jon:  OH FOR FUCKS SAKE!

Sansa:  BRAN!

The Entire Audience:  Oh no…

Bran:  Hey guys, I’m back to rule and stuff.  Also, I killed basically everyone with me, except for Benjen, who is dead.

*Dead Benjen waves*

*Silence*

Bran:  Where’s Rickon?  I sent him and Osha to the Umbers for their safety…

*More silence*

Bran:  Oh, also, I had the craziest dream right before I got here, where the Night’s King and I were holding hands as I walked into Winterfell.  And now here I am!  Isn’t that great?

Jon:  You know what, maybe Sansa should be in charge…

He was a lovable goof…

Before we wrap up today, I’d be remiss if I didn’t address the death of Ramsay Bolton.  As many who read this blog know, I’ve championed Ramsay as one of my favorite characters ever since his appearance in Season 3.  Villains are often the most interesting characters since they are unpredictable and can have unusual personalities.  From the start, Ramsay was a charismatic, ruthless sociopath who sadistically laughed his way to the top of the villain hierarchy in a show that has had quite a few memorable antagonists.  He’s killed his father, his step-mom, his half brother, Rickon, Osha, that old lady helping Sansa, a shitload of Ironborn, and Theon’s penis.  Not a bad scoreboard.  As this show shifts from a buch of lovable goofs just hacking off heads to a dreary ice zombie dirge trudging toward inevitability, I have to say I’m going to miss the son of a bitch.  There was even a part of me that was hoping those dogs would just lick the blood off his face and go back in their cages…what’s that?  Just me?  Fine, I knew he had to die and it was a satisfying way to see him go.  May you terrorize and torture people in the fictional character hell where you belong.

Quick Hits:

“Christ, okay, here’s Rickon, just stop glaring at me!”

  1. Should’ve let Lyanna Mormont lead that charge.  Whole army would’ve run in terror.
  2. A Westeros version of the Hangover with Tormund, Bronn, and Podrick.  You’re welcome, Earth.
  3. To all arrogant villains in a surrender negotiation: if the supposedly weaker side requests YOUR surrender, and you don’t have a surprise up your sleeve, you should probably refrain from laughing in their face.
  4. I like the lingering shot on the Arryn’s Banner like 50% of the audience knew who they were.  Better off having a picture of a moon and a door, or a 14 year old kid breastfeeding.
  5. RIP Rickon.  He was a Stark to the end; running in a straight line like an idiot and dying after accomplishing nothing.
  6. I’d love to see the look on the gravedigger’s face when he sees Wun Wun’s body.
  7. The opening credits would’ve spoiled Littlefinger saving the day if literally everyone didn’t see it coming.
  8. I’m glad the Harpies went out doing what they loved…stabbing former masters for no discernible reason whatsoever.
  9. The fuck did Davos think happened to Shireen?  She died of old age?
  10. Hey, Stark Army?  I don’t wanna tell you who to be, but if you see yourself getting surrounded by a phalanx, may not be the best plan to bunch up and wait.
  11. Ramsay:  “Their army’s gone.”
    Bolton Soldier:  “What about the Vale’s army?”
    Ramsay:  “Hey…shut up.”
  12. Quick breakdown of the best archers on the show: 1) Anguy, 2) Ygritte, 3) Ramsay, 4) Blackfish, 5) Olly, last Edmure.  Shame only the last one is still in the show.

For the Watchers: S6E8 “No One”

~ Sam Holt ~ Leave a comment

*Spoilers for all episodes of Game of Thrones*

Episode 8 has had a pretty nice pedigree the past two years.  In season 4, they had “The Mountain and the Viper,” which to me is the best episode of Game of Thrones.  Top to bottom that episode didn’t have a bad scene, and it ended with one of the most thrilling moments of the show.  Last year, episode 8 was the smack in the face that was Hardhome.  The episode where it looked like Jon, Tormund, and Edd were gonna just jaunt over to talk politics beyond the wall and ended up with an entire village getting gobsmacked.  This year we got…a lot of talking.  Okay, cool, I like talking.  The Hound might not, but I do.  Ah, look, there’s Tyrion, sure he’s got some snappy quips about- wait, no, he’s literally just telling bad jokes.  Surely this has a point?  No?  Okay, well at least Riverrun has some tension!  Jaime!  Blackfish!  Coming to a head! Oh shit, it’s Brienne!  And she might have to fight Jaime!  Oh man, that would just be- oh, the siege is over and the Blackfish was killed off screen.  And Brienne and Jaime meekly wave at each other.  Well, at least we have that dope trial by combat next- ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!

If you want to remember the good talking episodes, go watch this again.

Even though the episode itself may have been underwhelming, it certainly had some bright spots.  Arya became the first Stark to survive multiple stab wounds and even won a fight with the girl that’s job has literally been to kick her ass for two seasons.  For someone who is supposed to be “no one” and not show emotion, that girl was pretty vindictive and also was the human personification of a goose that a person just happened to walk near.  I also liked that Arya allowed Jaqen to survive…even though Jaqen poisoned himself last season…but didn’t actually, because he was the girl the whole time?  But then they were both alive in the next season?  And how did they make Arya blind anyway?  Does anybody ca- nope, shut up, all that matters is Arya is riding a bullet train to Westeros to go impale some Freys and maybe, like, a Bolton.  And the Starks may need numbers after next week’s battle, cause man…if you think that’s gonna end well, you haven’t been paying attention.

Meanwhile, in King’s Landing…

For fuck’s sake, he’s not even human!  Does no one else see this?  Can he even die?

High Sparrow:  So Your Grace, I trust your wedding bed has been more productive as of late?

Tommen:  Oh man, it’s been awesome!  Thank you so much for talking to her!  She started doing this thing with her-

Lancel:  (sprinting into the room) OUTLAW TRIALS BY COMBAT!

High Sparrow:  Brother Lancel, the Trial by Combat is a sacred right to the people; the Seven judge those accused by-

Lancel:  That’s all cool, and I’m totally down with all your never-blinking voodoo stories, but that fucking monstrosity is going to literally tear us apart!

High Sparrow:  Brother Lancel, please, your faith is being tested, you need to-

Lancel:  My faith will not save me from a man that has been committing Mortal Kombat fatalities on people since before this show even started!

Tommen:  Brother Lancel, please, the Trial is important to the Faith…

Lancel:  He tore a fucking guy’s head off!  He made him into a human Pez dispenser!  Only, instead of Pez, all I got was vertebrae!

High Sparrow:  You just need to trust in the Gods to-

Lancel:  I’ve seen a human coccyx!  I am NOT a doctor!  I’m not even a warrior!  I shouldn’t just SEE a coccyx!

Tommen:  I’m sure one of our warriors could best him in a trial as long as the Gods-

Lancel:  He told me he hates cats.

*Later*

Tommen:  We have decided that Trial by Combat will be forbidden throughout the Seven Kingdoms…

Welcome back to the Brotherhood Without Banners!  While book readers may lament that their return came with the the crushing realization that certain spoiler-y character returns would not be made (at least not yet), I did welcome their return if at least to confirm that they haven’t turned into town-slaughtering maniacs and are just the regular drunk maniacs.  They do seem to be missing that cool archer dude though.  Remember him?  This guy:

We could use some fucking archers on this show right now.  We just lost the Blackfish…Edmure Tully is running amok.  Get this guy out there!  And while you’re at it, BRING BACK GENDRY TOO!  The Brotherhood can just be all the people we’ve missed.  Look, it’s the Hound, and Gendry’s there too, playing with Nymeria.  And guess who just walked in the door?  It’s Oberyn Martell!  And he totally still has his brain in his head!  JUST LET ME DREAM, DAMMIT!

Quick Hits:

I’m not picky, match him up with literally anyone.  Just put him in the damn show.

  1. Dany didn’t look happy about being back.  I wouldn’t be either if I realized they had just wasted 8 episodes drinking wine and making dick jokes.
  2. Varys:  Hey, I’m off to do some secret shit.
    Tyrion:  What is it?
    Varys:  I can’t let them know.
    Tyrion:  Who’s them?
    Varys:  Bye!
  3. Would it be fucked up to name my daughter Arya?  Like, would it be THAT bad?
  4. But seriously, it was good to have the old Jaime Lannister back for 14 seconds.
  5. Jaime waved as Brienne and Pod floated away.  The Blackfish would’ve lit up that boat like a Christmas tree.
  6. And boy did I fucking miss Bronn.  Can we get him back with Tyrion please?
  7. Qyburn:  Cersei, I’ve looked into that rumor you asked me about…
    Cersei:  Does R + L = J?
    Qyburn:  *creepy smile*
  8. Somehow, Edmure Tully ended up the Lannister MVP this season.  That probably ruined lot of parlays.
  9. Thoros of Myr:  Hey, have you seen Gendry?
    The Hound:  What the fuck’s a Gendry?
  10. Arya:  I put another face on the wall.
    Jaqen:  Oh my many-faced-god, how many times do I have to tell you to clean the body first?!  There’s blood everywhere!
  11. Hey Tommen, couldn’t you have banned Trials by Combat before Oberyn died?
  12. Seriously, Arya’s not even that bad!  It’s just like Aria, that’s a real name!  It’s even a character on Pretty Little Liars!  Wait, forget I said that…
  13. I’d like to see the alternate ending where the Blackfish just shoots one arrow and Riverrun explodes.

Next week should be the battle we’ve been waiting for, where surely Jon Snow will kill Ramsay Bolton, the Starks will retake Winterfell, and everyone will live happily ever- oh, who am I kidding, might as start flaying Rickon now.

For The Watchers: S6E7 “The Broken Man”

~ Sam Holt ~ Leave a comment

*Spoilers up to this episode of Game of Thrones*

Game of Thrones this week was pretty simple.  People still hate the Lannisters, Arya spent two seasons training to be an assassin then promptly forgot everything and got herself stabbed, and the Hound came back to spend 20 minutes chopping wood.  That’s all, see you next week.

…

Hey, if the writers can just say “pass” this week and mail it in so can I!

…

…

…

RIP Virtuous Sandor Clegane.  2016-2016

…Fine, I guess there’s more to break down but man, did they just lay a 50 minute fart of an episode.  The big story (and great news) is that Sandor Clegane has returned.  And he’s just fucking tearing the Riverlands a new asshole…uh…chopping wood solemnly, super not hearing the blood curdling screams of like 60 people.  Look, I know he’s got one bad ear, but c’mon.  I think he can here a bunch of assholes just raining arrows on his Sinners Anonymous crew.  Speaking of those assholes, is that the Brotherhood Without Banners?  You know, those puckish outlaws, banded together to dick over the Mountain, benevolently kidnapping Arya and resurrecting dudes the Hound killed?  I mean, they never seemed virtuous Ned Stark types, waving around honor and bad decision making.  But, if that was them, it’s certainly an escalation to go from stealing some supplies from villages to murdering an entire village for having the gall to not be extort-able.  Perhaps we’ll see next week, when Sandor Clegane is hopefully chopping more than wood.

Speaking of chopping wood, Theon Greyjoy is potentially showing signs of life after a “some bad years.”  I’d be happy to see snarky, cocksure confident Theon Greyjoy back, especially with him and Yara seemingly accelerating towards becoming the missing piece to Dany’s conquest.  Speaking of old Theon coming back, let’s take a quick glance at other characters I wish could rise from the dead, or, in one case, just fucking float ashore:

5) Tywin Lannister

Man, if we could will this heartless bastard back to life, I would do it just to see what kind of death he serve the Sparrows.  It would be hard to top what he did to the Reynes of Castamere (not directly told in the show…he locked their subterranean stronghold and filled it with water), but he really needs a new song.

4) Ygritte

At the time, her death seemed necessary, since the Wildlings and the Night’s Watch were mortal enemies.  But now, they’re best buds and the little shit that killed her is doing his best Casper the vengeful ghost impression.  Poor Jon Snow has no luck…though Kit Harrington is doing a little better.

3) Gendry

My affinity to our Westerosi Magellan is well documented.  I hope he’s just with the Brotherhood…then again, after this week, maaaaaaybe not.

We could’ve had this guy on the Iron Throne for 4 seasons now.  Instead we a dope that’s only redeemable quality is he likes cats.

2) Renly Baratheon

Gone over 4 seasons ago, it’s easy to forget how dope Renly Baratheon was.  Most only remember him being the gay guy that wouldn’t fuck Natalie Dormer.  But he’s snarky.  He’s brash. And he’ll tell you what he fucking thinks.  Too bad he’s not a diplomat.  Plus, it would’ve been him uncomfortably getting the sex talk from the High Sparrow, instead of newly pious Margaery Tyrell being told be an ancient man to fuck a child.

1) Oberyn Martell

This list should actually have 3 spaces between Renly and Oberyn just to properly illustrate how far ahead Oberyn is to everyone else.  COME BACK OBERYN!  WE TOOK YOU FOR GRANTED!  AND YOUR DAUGHTERS ARE TOTAL BULLSHIT!  FUUUUUUUUUUUU-

Meanwhile, in the Riverlands:

Jaime:  Blackfish, surrender now and your men shall be spared.

Blackfish:  Dude, you literally have made like 5 promises and 2 oaths, and you just take shits all over them.  So much for “A Lannister always-”

Bronn:  DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE.

Jaime:  But, like, I mean it this time.

Blackfish:  You got a free pass to King’s Landing, and my niece got a knife to the throat.

Jaime:  I’d hardly call losing my hand a free pass…

Blackfish:  And you didn’t even have the decency to do what Catelyn asked!

Jaime:  Yeah, but the Boltons stole Sansa!  Go talk to them!  I ain’t pissing that kid off, he’s probably skinning a child alive right now for fun!

Blackfish:  And what about Arya?

Jaime:  That girl has literally been trying to be not a person for like, 3 seasons.

Blackfish:  What?

Jaime:  Hmm?

Blackfish:  You sound like my nephew.  Mayor of Sucktown, Captain of the U.S.S. Shit for Brains.

Bronn:  Hey, you have to admit, that dude fucks.

Blackfish:  You’d have a better time threatening to hang Bronn; no way the audience would let him die.

Bronn:  Wait, what?

Blackfish:  Doesn’t matter, I’m not going to give you the castle.  Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to spend the next two years practicing my super cool shoot-an-arrow-and-walk-away move.  You have no idea how often that comes up.

Seems like she’s a Stark after all.

Moving on to Arya, who seemingly left her brain at the House of Black and White.  Arya, I’m going to list the people that have called you “sweet girl” in the show:

  1. Jaqen H’ghar

That’s it.  You know they’re trying to kill you and you know they can look like anyone.  The minute you hear “sweet girl” you put your knees to the breeze and hoof it out of there.  You certainly don’t turn, smile, and take a fucking knife to the chest from the first old lady you see.  Also, when walking around with a critical stab wound, it might be in your best interest to ask someone for help.  Like literally, just a soft “help me” or even “I’ve been stabbed multiple times in vital organs, I’d probably be dying if it wasn’t for me probably being intricate to the plot somehow, but somebody needs to provide me with medical assistance to better suspend the audience’s disbelief.”  Either or, really.

Quick Hits:

If you were wondering where your pants are, she’s wearing them.
  1. I’m shocked the church wants a 14 year-old boy to have sex.
  2. Saying Theon has had a some bad years is like saying the Red Wedding didn’t go as planned.
  3. How did it take 6 seasons for Lyanna Mormont to be a character?  She’s like Arya without being diluted by Stark incompetence.
  4. If Lyanna Mormont had been Ned Stark’s 4th natural-born child instead of Bran, we wouldn’t even need the Wall anymore.  She’d also be able to walk.
  5. If Lyanna Mormont were at the Red Wedding, it would’ve been known as “The Slightly Inconvenient Wedding” or “The Last Frey Wedding” or “King Robb Stark’s Wedding.”  Maybe not that last one, she’s not a miracle worker.
  6. Cersei:  I’d never abandon my son.
    Olenna:  You would if he looked like this.
  7. I wish I had enough money to pay for things in “arrogantly tossing a bag of coins.”
  8. Yara:  “I’m sorry, I won’t joke about your penis if it bothers you.  But seriously, kill yourself.”
  9. Casting Ian McShane to play a Septon is like casting Jack McBrayer to play Ramsay Bolton.  Actually, on second thought, that’s more terrifying, forget I said that.
  10. Wildling:  I think we should have cereal for breakfast!
    Wun Wun:  PANCAKES!
    Wildling:  Right, I’ll fetch the syrup.
  11. If Jeor Mormont had birthed Lyanna Mormont instead of Jorah, Lyanna would be hand of the Queen to Danerys Targaryen and Game of Thrones would’ve been one season long.  And no one would’ve had to suffer through this blog.

For the Watchers: S6E6 “Blood of My Blood”

~ Sam Holt ~ 1 Comment

Game of Thrones is known as a show of schemes and plots.  The conniving minds of Westeros (and, unfortunately, Essos) usually come together to outwit, betray, and destroy their opposition.  For the past 5 1/2 seasons, we’ve seen smooth moves from the likes of Tyrion, Littlefinger, Tywin, Varys, Dany, Olenna, Margaery, and even Cersei for a hot minute.  It is also known as a show of death, famously nixing main character after main character, from Ned Stark all the way to Jon Snow the first time.  And somehow, last Sunday we were treated to no schemes, no plots, and perhaps most shockingly, no deaths.  Not even Bolton Knight #2 or even a Stark (Besides Ned, Catelyn, and Robb’s deaths all appearing in Bran’s memory explosion.  Give the Starks credit, they even die in episodes where no one dies.).  This is the first time no one has died in an episode since Season 3, Episode 7 (“The Bear and the Maiden Fair”).  However, that was the episode where Theon got castrated, so I guess you can count Theon’s penis as a casualty.

Edmure Tully:  Now the second most competent person in this picture.
So how did the notoriously bloody Game of Thrones survive with this sudden lack of death?  Some good ol’ fashioned shit happening.  Traveling for 5 episodes?  Guess it’s time to steal your punk-ass dad’s ultra rare sword.  Training to be an assassin for like 2 years?  Fuck that, time to proudly proclaim your existence and slap some fucking rum out of some dumb broad’s hand and say “you’re welcome.”  Haven’t seen some of your favorite characters in a few seasons?  Guess what, we got The Hound, Gendry, and Bronn uh, Benjen Stark, Walder Frey, and Edmure Tully.  Okay, so some of those returns were underwhelming, but man, business is beginning to pick up.

So, if Bran wasn’t satisfied fucking everything up again last week, he starts out this week by immediately fucking up again.  Unfortunately, he gets saved by a particularly not alive Benjen Stark.  I like how they hid his face for his introduction, then revealed his face like 98% of the audience expected to know who it was.  On a good day, the average viewer will recognize Tommen, and that’s with the crown on his head.  As much as I don’t like Bran, at least he’s the first line of defense against the White Walkers, and that’s good since that means I probably won’t have to see Bran much longer.

“Don’t worry, I left a note.  And it says ‘GFY Dad. S my D.'”
Heading south, it turns out being a shitty father is just simply a Game of Thrones theme at this point.  Like somehow Jaime banged his sister and pretends to be his kids’ uncle and he’s like a top 5 dad on the show.  The more impressive thing is that Randyll Tarly basically said he would kill his son, called him fat, and treated what is essentially his step-daughter as less than human…and he’s still not even like bottom 3.  Hey Randyll, burned any children lately?  No?  Had sex with any of them?  Then you’re all right in my book.  Sam then puts his big boy pants on and steals his father’s sword.  His father’s fucking Valyrian steel sword.  There’s like 5 of those left!  They also conveniently kill White Walkers, which makes me believe Sam is not long for the Citadel.  Sorry you couldn’t be a wizard bro.

Meanwhile, in King’s Landing:

High Sparrow:  And now, Queen Margaery will begin her-

Jaime:  Hey fuckboy, how ’bout you give us the queen back?

High Sparrow: I beg your pardon?

Olenna Tyrell:  This plotline has grown stale.  Literally no one likes you.  You have a worse approval rating than Dorne.

High Sparrow:  How dare you!

Olenna Tyrell:  *shrugs*

Jaime: Listen, just give us Margaery, she can go back to having awkward sex scenes with Tommen and you guys can go brood in the background or something.

High Sparrow:  Sure…I could do that…or…

*Tommen appears at High Sparrow’s side*

Audience:  *groans collectively*

High Sparrow:  What was that?

Jaime:  That was the sound of literally everyone watching upset that this is still a thing.

High Sparrow:  What’s wrong with the Sparrows?

Jaime:  Do you think people look forward to Sundays because of church?

Tommen:  Uncle Jaime, I am uniting the crown with the church in order to-

Jaime:  For fuck’s sake, can you just die already?  Let that boat kid be king for all I care.

Tommen:  Uncle!

Jaime:  You don’t know the half of it.  We all know it’s coming, might as well get it over with.  I’m about to go fight the Tully’s, I need some fucking sympathy before everyone hates me again.

Mace Tyrell:  I’m a peacock.

Mace Tyrell:  The Ralph Wiggum of Game of Thrones
Now we come to Arya Stark, who, contrary to past reports, does indeed exist.  Sometimes you just need to almost kill a really nice lady before you figure out who you really are.  That lady was so nice, she made CERSEI look sympathetic.  Luckily for her, Arya sucks at poisoning more than Mace Tyrell does at appearing intelligent.  But she doesn’t have to worry about that anymore since she’s got Needle back.  I just hope that with the House of Black and White coming after her, that she can eviscerate the most arrogant body washer in the history of fiction and finally get her ass to Westeros.  It does seem like everyone is finally getting to Westeros. Except Tyrion.  And Gendry.

  1. Randyll Tarly is trying so hard to be Tywin Lannister I half expected Sam to shoot him with a crossbow.
  2. Gilly:  “He’s a greater warrior than either of you will ever be.”
    Dickon Tarly:  “…the fuck did I do?”
  3. I wanna meet the Dothraki that listened to Dany’s speech and was just like “Nah, I’m good.”
  4. Honestly, what is stopping Cersei from just going on a Grand Theft Auto spree and then just calling for a Trial by Combat each time?  Has she not thought of this?  Don’t answer that.
  5. Could’ve used Lady Crane’s acting in Dorne last year.
  6. I have a book-assisted theory on who the new Lord Commander of the Kingsguard will be, but a huge part of me just wants to see Bronn walk out with a white cloak just casually eating an apple 100% not giving a shit.
  7. Part of me will always be expecting Walder Frey to put Harry Potter in detention.
  8. In all seriousness, Needle was by far the best return this week.
  9. It occurred to me when I was watching Jaqen peel back a man’s face that it probably wasn’t a good idea to be rooting for that guy.
  10. Dany needs a thousand ships?  Let’s hope Yara is better at rowing than Gendry.

That’s our week.  Here’s hoping Arya escapes to Westeros next week, and just starts killing everyone who deserves it:  High Sparrow, Walder Frey, Ramsay Bolton, and most deservedly, Bran.

For the Watchers: S6E5 “The Door”

~ Sam Holt ~ Leave a comment

*Spoilers for Game of Thrones up to the current episode*

Things happen fast in the Game of Thrones universe.  Kids become adults.  Littlefinger makes a 500 mile journey in one episode.  And Sansa steps up and starts holding her own.  It’s about time someone realized Lord Baelish was a total dickhead.  When Sansa called him out on how awful of a decision it was to give her to Ramsay, she says what we were all thinking last year (“If you didn’t know, you’re an idiot.  If you did know, you’re my enemy.”)  With her Baelish banishment though, Sansa appears to be more of a Stark than previously thought, as she throws away the Vale, probably one of (if not, THE) largest army in the Seven Kingdoms, for honor.  They haven’t fought in any wars, and they were willing to fight for her.  Not saying she’s not right…but I’m just saying the last person to choose honor over pragmatism ended up getting most of his family stabbed.  However, trusting Littlefinger got basically the rest of that family stabbed, so it’s really a lose lose.

It’s okay guys, everyone knows you’re the best of all time.  And everyone has totally listened to whatever new album you have.

Looks like there’s a new Red Woman in town!  Can’t be Melisandre because she was on screen for five whole minutes and not once did she take her top off.   Seriously, Melisandre should be looking at this new priest like Cersei looked at Margaery.  She even scared the shit out of Varys.  That butterball literally exists to know shit, and this chick knew such intense deep shit about him he looked like someone told him Radiohead was a bad band.  Honestly, if I lived in this universe, sign me up for some R’hllor.  Hot priests resurrecting you while you just have to super hope you don’t have kings blood in you?  Done and done.  Where do I sign?  Hey, what’re you doing with that leech?

Meanwhile, at the Kingsmoot…

Yara:  I deserve to be queen!

Random Ironborn:  What about Theon?

Theon: Guys, Yara is the best queen the Ironborn could possibly have.  She’s a great leader, a great reaver, and she will-

Euron:  Where’s your cock?

Theon: What?

Euron:  I have a great penis, I should be King.

Theon:  Dude, literally all you’ve done is throw my dad off a bridge and been an asshole.

Euron:  Yes, but do either of you have a penis?

Yara:  What does having a penis have to do with being a good ruler?

Euron:  Basically everything.  Whoever has the best penis is the best ruler everyone knows that.

*Ironborn mostly shrug and nod in agreement*

Yara:  That makes literally no sense.  If anything, caring about your penis definitely makes you a worse ruler.

Euron:  Yes, but have you ever had a penis?

Theon:  I have.

Euron:  How’s that working out for you?

Theon:  YARA DESERVES TO BE QUEEN!

Euron:  May I remind the jury this man is completely devoid of a penis.

Theon:  GODDAMMIT!  My character has depth!  I’m on a redemption story, regaining confidence, and I’m sick of my only descriptive detail is “that guy with no dick!”

*waves crash against the rocks, as a long silence fills the air*

Random Ironborn:  …so you don’t have a penis?

Theon:  That’s it.  Fuck you guys.  I’m going to Essos.

Should’ve pushed him out of a higher window.

And now we finally come to the shitshow beyond the Wall.  Bran Stark is probably indirectly responsible for more deaths than the Great Chicago Fire.  Starts from day 1.  Hey idiot, mom said don’t climb the castle.  How’d that work out for you?  You crippled your dumb legs and started a war.  Maybe if you spent a little more time listening to mom she would’ve been gushing about how awesome your legs are rather than gushing blood from her severed jugular vein.  Then there was Osha and Rickon.  Send them to the Umbers he said.  It’ll be fine he said.  That ended with Shaggydog’s head as a Captain Hook popsicle and Osha getting skewered like a shish kebab.  I’ll give him a pass on Jojen since that cryptic dingus knew it was coming, but this.  THIS is all on Bran.  If you’re going to have unsanctioned warging, you could’ve at least had the decency to check out the ending of the Tower of Joy scene.  But no, you go visit the army of the dead and get yourself found out.  You killed an entire ancient race, your warging Mr. Miagi, your fucking dog, and are directly responsible not only for Hodor’s death, but for his entire fucking sad existence.  Dude was perfectly happy just ambling around tending horses and unlike Theon, actively having a huge penis.  Then you melted his brain and made the point of his entire existence to save your dumbass self.  Frankly Bran is the real villain of this series.  Meera should just leave him before he gets her lit on fire.

 

Quick Hits:

“You colossally fucked up.  You truly are a Stark.”
  1. RIP Summer.  You were always the dog who’s name I knew second most.
  2. “And you Daario?  Do you love me?”  “…oh hey, look at the sun, I gotta go…horse.”
  3. Davos:  With what army are we supposed to take Winterfell?
    Sansa:  I’ve got the Blackfish in Riverrun.
    Davos:  You got the Blackfish?
    Sansa:  You feel better motherfucker?
    Davos:  Shiiiiiit, that’s all you had to say!
  4. You have to drown to become king of the Iron Islands?  Man, Tommen only had to watch his brother get brutally murdered in front of him.
  5. So for those of you scoring at home, if the Night’s King touches you, he can enter cheat codes that allows him to find you and enter your magically blocked super secret base.  Don’t bother trying to figure out why, it just makes sense, okay!
  6. Arya’s upset because they make her dad look stupid.  That’s certainly unfair, because all he did was accept the King’s Hand position, side with Catelyn arresting Tyrion with no evidence, threaten the queen, refuse help from Renly, and trust Littlefinger.
  7. Give me an “Edd Tollett, Lord Commander” sitcom, and give it to me now.
  8. Meera:  Hold the door!
    Hodor:  Hodor!  *Hodor thoughtfully holds the door open for the wights*
    Meera:  HODOR NOOOOO!
  9. Good luck to Jorah for finding a cure to greyscale in the land where child birth is still a 50/50 shot.
  10. I’m hoping Bronn returns next week.  Not sure what he could do though.  Maybe he’ll go back to Dorne.  Sidenote, that is literally the only reason I’d want to go back to Dorne.

And finally, in memory of Hodor, the reigning penis champion of Westeros (look it up if you want, I’m certainly not linking it), I’ve decided to crown a new champion.  Now, I have no way of knowing this, and it’s all speculation, but…I have a pretty good idea:

 

For the Watchers: S6E4 “Book of the Stranger”

~ Sam Holt ~ 1 Comment

 

*Spoilers for Game of Thrones up to the current episode*

Sometimes, you forget.  Whether it’s because of indifference, obliviousness, or ignorance, there are often times you need to be reminded of certain things.  It could be a birthday or an anniversary.  Maybe it’s where you’ve seen the High Sparrow before.  Perhaps it’s the national bird of Peru, the Andean cock-of-the-rock.  This week, Game of Thrones reminded you that Dany fucking runs shit.  That’s what she does.  She wakes up, rubs her piercing non-violet eyes, puts on her New Balance, finds a Drake playlist on Spotify, and fucking runs shit.  In the beginning of this season, I was wondering how Jorah and Daario would managed to smuggle Dany out of Vaes Dothrak.  Turns out they don’t.  Dany just sits there brooding ’til she’s like “Oh shit, that’s right, I’m basically a superhero!” and just toasts some motherfuckers.  I’ve never seen something actively on fire be so cold.  Good luck to Daario if he ever spurns her.  Let’s see how the endless one-liners and x-rated knives work out then.

To the Wall, where so much shit happened, it needs it’s own Quick Hits section.

The Wall Bits:

“I can’t see me loving nobody but you, for all my liiiiife!”
  1. Jon and Sansa reuniting was great, but I kinda wished it had been Jon and Arya.  Or Sansa and Arya.  Jesus, can everyone get the fuck out of Essos please?
  2. I hope someday I find a girl that makes me feel the way Tormund does when he sees Brienne.
  3. Not sure why Melisandre is so guilty about burning Shireen, she totally made all that snow melt even before Ramsay lit their entire camp on fire.
  4. I like that Sansa is taking charge.  It allows Jon Snow to go back to what he does best: being a whiny little bitch.
  5. If Podrick joins the Night’s Watch, it would be the biggest waste of talent since Len Bias.

The combined forces of Jon Snow, the Wildlings, and the Vale’s incoming army attacking Winterfell seems to finally be galvanizing all the northern plotlines towards an engaging center.  Plus, Ramsay’s been dealing with a bit of over exposure lately, since he’s actually making killing people look boring.  They’re just dropping like flies at Winterfell.  This week may have seemed a bit excessive, but you had to do something about Osha eventually.  You either kill Tonks off screen or you kill her on screen, doesn’t make narrative sense to keep her around.  But it’s also starting to not make sense to keep Ramsay around.  He’s not going to be the king, and being Lord of Winterfell isn’t a long term viable option for a tactless sociopath, so he’s probably due some comeuppance.  He’s probably not going to be as big a fan of dogs though, once he sees Ghost.

Meanwhile, in King’s Landing…

Septa Unella: The High Sparrow will see you now.

Margaery: *under her breath* Please don’t tell me a long boring story…please don’t tell me a long boring story…please don’t-

High Sparrow: When I was a cobbler…

Look, I can barely keep my eyes open.

Margaery:  Goddammit.

High Sparrow: What?

Margaery: Seriously, literally no one gives a shit.

High Sparrow:  My dear, you need to hear of my past so you can be motivated to change your ways.

Margaery: More like change the time of my afternoon nap.  Dude, you’re like Nyquil mixed with Benadryl, only you don’t alleviate my irritation.

High Sparrow: You have to atone for your sins…

Margaery:  You gonna shame walk me?

High Sparrow: You must be naked before the eyes of gods and men…

Margaery:  More like naked before the eyes of new HBO Now subscribers…

High Sparrow:  …and complete your walk of atonement through the city…

Margaery: Dude, no fucking way.  The last one took like 15 fucking minutes.  We have way too many plots going on for that to happen.  Don’t you want to see what Sam is puking into this week?

High Sparrow:  No one wants that.

Margaery:  Fair enough, just let me get back to my life.

High Sparrow:  You mean banging a 14 year old?

Margaery:  Well, when you put it like that…

Picture unrelated.

And now we come to the Greyjoys for…well, some reason.  From a non-book perspective, I can’t see why anyone would give a shit.  So far, you have some weird dude that dumped Balon Greyjoy off a bridge, Theon’s sister is basically constantly pissed off, and some old dude rambled about a Kingsmoot.  That’s it.  Now Theon and Yara are fronting the duel-dickless bid for the throne.  I will say Theon seems troubled by the fact that the last person to touch his dick was his sister.  Considering first time he saw her in the show, this is probably quite fitting.

Quick Hits:

You piece of shit!  Stop throwing my gifts out that precariously placed plot device!
  1. As if Meereen isn’t bad enough, Tyrion is basically the worst third wheel since Harry Potter.
  2. Robin Arryn is basically just the face of the Entitlement Generation.  At least Littlefinger got him a present he can’t just throw out the Moon Door.
  3. If Robin ends up married to Sansa at the end of this, the real winner of the Game of Thrones is barely pubescent boys.
  4. Fucking Littlefinger is straight just wearing a black cape now.  He’s not even pretending to be a good guy.  He looks like he’s about to bite someone’s neck or debut his own Halloween cereal.
  5. If I was Jorah, next time Daario gave me shit, I’d just tell him I rubbed my greyscale on the inside of his pants.  Then nothing but “rock hard” puns until Meereen.
  6. I do like to think of the High Sparrow just getting turnt listening to Turn Down For What.
  7. What’s that?  You want two Reeks?  Okay, here you go!
  8. Wouldn’t Jaime know Lancel was the reason Cersei got arrested?  High chance that dude gets the Jory Cassel treatment.
  9. Anyone else notice Ramsay peeled the skin off the apple and then ate it anyway?  What a dickshit.
  10. Oh sweet, Theon is gonna help Yara at the Kingsmoot.  I’m sure he’ll have great things to say like *mumbles incoherently* and *cries incessantly*.  I’m sure that’ll go over great!

Tune in next week, where Bran probably sees the end of the Tower of- what’s that?  The fucking NIGHT KING is there?  Already?  It’s not even halfway through the season!  Oh for fuck’s sake…

For The Watchers: Game of Thrones Season 6 Preview

~ Sam Holt ~ Leave a comment

*Spoilers through the end of Season 5*

Lots has happened since the end of Game of Thrones Season 5.  Donald Trump could be our next president.  Peyton Manning retired.  And I finished the A Song of Ice and Fire series.  Finishing the books added new perspective (and allowed me to relive all the depression all over again), but it’s interesting just how blind both book readers and non-book viewers are going into this season.  There are roughly 2 or 3 potential plots that seem to be coming to fruition for the next season that book readers could have a leg up on.  But even then, last season proved that the TV show is basically its own entity at this point, so the time for book spoilers is basically over.  It’s a glorious new day where TV viewers can be freed of the smarmy book readers spoiling everything and look forward to all their favorite characters dying sad, horrible deaths.

The anxiety of your favorite characters surviving (nevermind succeeding) is real in the late seasons.  So how will the top players perform this year?  Here are my predictions (book spoiler free):

Daenerys Targaryen

Open the fighting pits they said…it’ll be fun they said…

It’s a rough time to be a queen, and none more obvious than the Mother of Dragons.  Episode 9 ended with the collective viewership hoping Drogon would finally get her to land on the shores of Westeros, hopes that were summarily dashed when she ended up back in the hands of the Dothraki.  And without Aquaman backing her up, that is not an ideal situation.  In the pro column, she’s got Sir Friend Zone and Mr. Steal Your Girl combing the desert for her.  On the down side, she might be horse food by the time they find her.  But there’s no way Dany won’t make it to Westeros at some point, right?  Main characters always live to reach their goals, right?  Right? …Right?

Prediction: Dany finally makes it to Westeros…alone.

Tyrion Lannister

From the looks of it, they’re gazing upon the predictable outcome of this season.  

Varys and Tyrion are back, baby!  And they’re running roughshod all over Meereen!  I doubt Tyrion’s good fortune will last long because this is Game of Thrones, but Tyrion seems like he’s in a relatively good space, just a city at the brink of Civil War with half of the Queen’s Court gone.  But the human one liner machine always finds a way to survive.  But that doesn’t necessarily mean Meereen survives with him.

Prediction: Tyrion barely escapes Meereen as it is overthrown and burned to the ground.

Jon Snow

He dead.

Prediction: Just kidding Melisandre saves him and he’s a total vengeful asshole now.

Jaime Lannister

I told you I don’t like the pixie cut!

Remember when this shithead was killing Starks left and right and you were like “CUT HIS FUCKING HEAD OFF!” and now you’re like “YEAH GET ‘EM JAIME GET ‘EM!”?  Just a perfect redemption story.  Jaime has a tall task ahead of him to win back control of King’s Landing and to stick it to the Martell’s.  He’s gonna need a hand, but Jaime should be able to bring him back into the arms of the woman he loves.  Gross.

Prediction: Jaime takes back King’s Landing, but ends the season in a tight spot.

Bran Stark

Oops, Bran’s like 30 now.

Oh this fucking asshole again?  Listen, I’ve gotten flack for this, but I don’t really like Bran.  He’s just a turd out there.  But it looks like business has finally picked up for him.  But he’s also at the front lines of the Night War, and if he doesn’t learn to fly soon, he’s going to end up like basically every other male Stark.

Prediction: Bran flies by the end of the season, leading to foreshadowing of him controlling a dragon.

 

Sansa Stark

Sansa, what is your purpose now?  Can you like go find Gendry?  He’s more interesting than you!  Go find Gendry!

Dude, I have no idea.  This chick could have broken legs and be recaptured by the Boltons in minutes.  She could team up with Theon and lead the Wildlings into battle.  And basically everything in between.  The only thing I’m confident about is that Brienne won’t find her.

Prediction: She’ll end up back with Littlefinger cause he probably put a medieval tracking device on her.

Arya Stark

Who?

Prediction: She finally becomes no one.

Cersei Lannister

I’d cry too if Qyburn touched me.

Everyone’s least favorite alcoholic finally got kinda what was coming to her...but at the expense of like 15 minutes of our lives.  Cersei has an uphill battle, but the peaks and valleys of Game of Thrones seem to signal an upswing coming…but this is Game of Thrones, which is why I predict probably my most bold prediction so far:

Prediciton:  Cersei dies in the season finale at the hands of her brother…Jaime.

Speaking of those dying, how about a quick lightning round of some other characters I expect to live or die in the upcoming season! (I will omit people that have died in the books from plots yet to be told, all people listed are either still alive in the books, died way earlier, or were created for the TV show).

Live: Samwell Tarly

Samwell Tarly perfectly summed up by Louise.

This sack of shit doesn’t do enough to get himself into any real danger.  Look, I love Sam as much as the next guy, but without Jon Snow, I fear he’s going to be dangerously boring if actively involved in the new season.  Here’s hoping that the new characters attached to his story brighten up his teachings at the Citadel.

Die: Alliser Thorne

If we are entertaining the idea that Jon Snow will rise from the dead (which will probably happen either at the end of the first episode or at the end of the season), Sir Alliser is probably going to be number 1 on his shit list.  And I’m not sure if you know this, but motherfucker killed a white walker and like literally 200 other dudes on this show already.

Live: Ramsay Bolton

Die: Tommen Baratheon

This isn’t bold.  That surprisingly attractive witch doctor at the beginning of last season basically told young Cersei all her kids were taking dirt naps before her.  Batter up.

Live: Gendry

But only cause he won’t be in the season.  Just keep swimming.

Die: A shit ton of religious folks in King’s Landing

The Mountain: Basically Medieval Jason Vorhees

It’s been a good run for the Faith, but yeah, Zombie Mountain looks pissed.  If he can even be pissed.  Is he like a weird robot?  Really doesn’t matter, wouldn’t wanna be in the same area code as that thing.

Live: Theon Greyjoy

Rumors persist of a large Greyjoy presence in this season, and it would be really awkward to have all these new Greyjoy’s running around without a busted ass Theon to run into.  I’m guessing he guts it out and limps his way into Season 7.

Die: Brienne of Tarth

Brienne has had a great run.  She protected Renly until he got killed, assisted Catelyn Stark in delivering the most valuable prisoner back to the enemy for no benefit.  She straight up couldn’t “save” Arya or Sansa with an opportunity for both.  And she ambiguously killed her, um, arch nemesis?  I guess?  Moral of the story is, if you’ve done everything you’re supposed to do, you’re now useless. Byeeeeeee.

Live: Margaery Tyrell

My next post might just be the 9 other pictures of Natalie Dormer I wanted to use here.

This one is probably just wishful thinking.  Actually it’s all wishful thinking.  Please, don’t kill Natalie Dormer.

Die: Loras Tyrell

….But you can totally kill her brother.  I really don’t give a shit.

Live: Varys and Littlefinger

These guys are never dying.  A fucking white walker riding a dragon could challenge them to a trial by combat and they’d still find a way to survive.  I think they can swindle their way into Season 7.  LOCK IT UP!

Die: Jorah Mormont

Greyscale is like a cross between the plague, a zombie infection, and rocks.  But look on the bright side, instead of being a whiny bitch, at least he’ll finally get some thick skin!

Live: Podrick Payne

Listen guys, they can’t kill him.  The women of the Seven Kingdoms will not let him die.  He has way too much love to give.  And let’s not forget, he’s got the best sword in Westeros.

Die: Hodor

But the other lovable lump will not be so lucky.  Hodor is one of the most adorable, innocent, and enjoyable character in the Game of Thrones universe.  And his death will spurn Bran Stark to a crusade against his enemies.  Or he’ll just continue being a turd.

Can’t wait for Sunday!  Here’s to a season of excitement, despair, and many Tyrion and Varys conversations!

 

Game of Thrones Recap: Season 5 Episode 8 “Hardhome”

~ Sam Holt ~ Leave a comment

Hardhome-1

(Spoilers for everything up to this episode of Game of Thrones)

Okay, so maybe last week was a bad time to point out that Game of Thrones was getting predictable.  Last night, after seasons of intrigue, suspense, and anticipation, Game of Thrones fans finally got to see one of the big moments they’ve been waiting for.  And somehow it didn’t involve Tyrion Fucking Lannister talking to Daenerys Fucking Targaryen.  Last year’s Episode 8 was probably the best episode in a ridiculously good season and began probably the best 3 episode run this show has ever had.  This season has been dull by comparison, but almost every stop in “Hardhome” was fantastic.  That being said, I have some qualms with the implications this episode highlighted.  I know this will make me sound like the Jebidiah Atkinson, but I’ll defend my thoughts.  So before we get to the top story, let’s do some quick hits through Essos and the Seven Kingdoms.

Looks like
Looks like “Lana” is going to be taking her enemies to the…DANGER ZONE!
Arya finally got a target this week which is…better.  Seriously, this whole season has been a wash for Arya (Get it?  I hate myself.).  But, at least now she’ll get to kill somebody.  I’m rather shocked to say somehow Jaqen H’ghar turned into the worst screen partner Arya’s had so far (Quick rankings, 1) the Hound 2) Tywin 3) Syrio 4) Yoren 5) Gendry.  Honorable Mention to Jon Snow).  With all his mystery, his lack off assassinating really makes him seem much lamer.  Although, it seems his teachings are finally getting somewhere.  Turning Arya into someone else is a good start.  But we can’t forget who she is.  She still has that list of people she wants to murder.  Out of her whole list, she’s only personally killed Polliver.  Admittedly it’s hard for her to kill those people in Braavos.  Cersei’s in a cell in King’s Landing.  Walder Frey is safely in the plot purgatory that is the Riverlands.  The Mountain is unsafely with Qyburn where “the work continues.”  And Meryn Trant is on a boat with Mace Tyrell heading to the Iron Bank of…oh shit.  OH SHIT GUYS!  I hope the Meryn Trant fan club is well rested, cause that mofo is on a one-way train heading straight for the Bone Zone.  God, I love this show.

In other Stark news, Sansa found out she was getting Punk’d this whole time.  After constantly badgering the Artist Formerly Known as Theon, she finally got Reek to give up his juiciest secret, letting her know that her younger brothers are still alive…somewhere.  Sansa still has no idea where they are though, and even if she did, finding them wouldn’t really help their safety with the Boltons still in power.  But Bran is supposedly safe becoming a birdman north of the Wall, and Rickon should be (according to one throwaway line of dialogue) with House Umber, who you may remember all the way back from Season 1 as the house with the guy that laughed after his fingers got bit off by a giant fucking wolf.  So, you know, nothing to worry about there.  I’m not entirely sure what will happen with Sansa, but if Brienne does get through to her and they start traveling to find her brothers…wait no, I still won’t really give a shit.

Elsewhere in Winterfell we were teased with an intriguing plan from Ramsay Bolton to quell the incoming invasion of fire worshipers to the snowed-in castle.  Not knowing his intentions, I’m guessing it has to pass the Rule of Cool.  No way the ever-pragmatic Roose Bolton would let Ramsay spoil a sure victory unless it was so awesome that the TV audience couldn’t be denied (and let’s face it, sieges don’t make for good TV).  This is really the first time since Season 2 that Stannis and Co. are in any sort of danger.  It’s almost guaranteed heads will roll in the last two episodes, and very suddenly, Stannis, Shireen, and Ser Davos are all trickling towards the Bone Zone.

Quick note to the High Sparrow:  if you want Cersei to confess, you should’ve brought a bucket of wine.  That chick would’ve confessed to fucking Jaime on Robert’s dead corpse while worshiping the Lord of Light if she could suck down some Merlot.  I mean, look what she did for water.

I really wanted this to be picture at the top of the post, but I didn't want to blow the minds of people who haven't caught up.
I really wanted this to be picture at the top of the post, but I didn’t want to blow the minds of people who haven’t caught up.
After getting Jorah and his weepy, Dashboard Confessional ass out of Meereen, Tyrion delivered a spirited and galvanizing speech to Dany about how to rise up and take the Iron Throne for- wait, I’m sorry?  What?  He said to not go for the Iron Throne?  And stay in Essos forever?  That sound you hear is the collective groan of everyone who watched this show ever.  But, Tyrion does have a point.  The Targaryen’s were one of Seven noble houses.  When Robert’s Rebellion was in full swing, only two other Kingdoms were at their side:  the Tyrells and the Martells.  The Tyrell’s notoriously never join a losing effort, and the Martells would probably die before letting Rhaegar’s sister on the throne.  So, it seems that the Iron Throne would require quite a bit of force to take back…which is a good thing for Dany (and us viewers) when that force is three fucking goddamn dragons.

And now, a quick interlude at Castle Black:

Olly: Can I speak to you in private Sam?

Sam: Sure Olly, what is it this time…

Olly: Why is Jon freeing the Wildlings?  They killed my-

Sam: Oh, shut the fuck up already Olly, okay?  “They killed my parents and ate them. Wah wah wah.”  That’s what you sound like.  You think you’re the only one with dead parents, Olly?

Olly: No, but they’re evil!  They killed everyone I know!

Sam: Oh my Gods, can you go one line of dialogue without mentioning that?  They’re really not that bad.

Olly: You’re just saying that because you banged out with one.

Sam: Damn right.  You should welcome those Wildlings, maybe you’ll stop whining for a bit and bang out too.

Olly: I’m like 10.

Sam: That’s like 40 in Westeros, go to Mole’s Town and get that sorted out.

Olly: The Wildlings killed everyone in Mole’s Town…

Sam: SHUT THE FUCK UP, OLLY!

Man, turns out I got off easy.
Man, turns out I got off easy.
Moving on, Jon and Tormund ventured to Hardhome to meet with the Wildlings and save them from a much more imminent death than anticipated.  After a brief reunion where Tormund turned the Lord of Bones into the Lord of Broken Skull Fragments and Brain Matter, Jon attempted to convince some Wildlings that he was totes sorry and they should be BFFs for reals now.  Predictably they don’t take this well, especially since none of these Wildlings have met Jon Snow, and none of them have been seen before.  I mean, that one chick looks familiar.  Not sure if I’ve forgotten where I’ve seen her from OH MY GOD:

Pitch Perfect 2
SHE’S FROM PITCH PERFECT 2!
Unfortunately for her, singing covers of Fall Out Boy to the White Walkers doesn’t really go over well, as her and most of the Wildlings present get fucking dominated by ice zombies.  Obviously, this is a lot to talk about, so I’m going to break it down in 10 points.

1) So the White Walkers can seemingly unleash a fog that immediately turns everyone into screaming stabby skeletons?  Thank the Gods the fog’s weakness is 10 foot tall wooden gates.  Would be a shame if that would’ve acted like every other fog ever known and just gone through that clearly not air tight fence (considering they, you know, LOOKED THROUGH IT).

2) I’m pretty sure if I was a Wildling, I would’ve killed all the Thenns just on principle.  If there’s a chance you could eat me, you’re not allowed to be my neighbor.

3) FUCKING GIANTS YEAH!  FUCKING GIANTS YEAH!  FUCKING GIANTS YEAH!

4) The minute the German chick from Pitch Perfect 2 puts her kids on the boat, she’s a goner.  Human beings are so predictable.

5) Okay, are we just going to assume wights (the official name for the risen dead) play by most zombie rules and you just need to destroy the head?  Or was it just ambiguous in that giant fight?  Like, I thought only fire destroyed them?  I’m guessing all those zombie parts were probably still twitching around, but the camera just didn’t have time to show them.

6) Also, if that was Jon Snow’s sword, I guess Valyrian steel also kills White Walkers?  Given that off the top of my head, I can only think of three people with a Valyrian steel sword (Jon, Brienne, and I’m guessing Tommen has Joffrey’s), I’m not sure that’ll be super relevent…until Brienne and Sansa lead a charge to save Bran from the White Walkers!

7) When all those wights made like lemmings and spilled off the cliff, did you really think they were all dead, Jon?  I would’ve been halfway to that boat if I was them.  I also probably would’ve died way before that if I was them.

8) Seriously, I could watch a giant hit zombies with tree trunks all day.  And not to mention just walking across the fucking ocean when you’re done.  Who needs boats?  Fuck you, Gendry.

9) After the Night’s King dramatically raises all the dead into his army, isn’t it a little funny for them to cut back and see Jon’s boat like literally 50 feet away?  I think I’d have a little more urgency on getting my ass the hell out of there.

10) Edd Tollett survived that shit?  What an upset!  That has to be the biggest surprise survival of a minor character being in danger in the show right?  Like seriously, you probably already forgot his name, and I just mentioned it 3 sentences ago.  Kid’s got First Ranger written all over him the minute Alliser dies.

Come at me, Snow.
Come at me, Snow.
And now for my concerns.  I touched on the lack of villains in last week’s post, and obviously the White Walkers have been groomed to be the Big Bad of the series.  But my concerns lie with whether that is a good thing or not.  Before I get pelted with tomatoes, let’s get something straight.  Was that battle awesome?  You bet your ass it was.  Two or three years from now, when we’re watching HBO blow its entire budget on CGI dragons torching CGI White Walkers, will that be epic?  Yes, yes it will.  But does that make everything else irrelevant?  If I told you 2 seasons ago that Tyrion and Dany would meet in this episode, you’d think that was a momentous occasion.  Now, it feels like an afterthought.  Why do I care who the king is if the White Walkers are just going to wipe everyone out?  So what if Stannis or Littlefinger gain control of the North if there’s constant zombie attacks every episode?

The White Walkers are not cut from the cloth of the villains I like.  Their motivation remains mysterious.  You can’t say they’re brainless, since they clearly are intelligent and methodical.  So why take over Westeros?  When they bring winter all the way to Dorne, what then?  Just chill out and build some igloos?  The best villains in zombie movies/shows are rarely the zombies themselves, but the villains people become when faced with an apocalypse.  But, that’s clearly not what’s going on here, the zombies ARE the villains.  Hopefully they surprise me when their intentions and motivations are revealed, and I’ll happily fall in line with everyone else.

But clearly I’m just overthinking all this, as “Hardhome” was easily the most entertaining episode of this season.  And Episode 9 is next week.  Traditionally, it is usually the best or one of the best episodes of the season.  Here’s hoping this trend doesn’t end.

That mercifully wraps up my ramblings for the week, and remember: don’t try to kill Tyrion around Podrick, or he’ll stab you with his second most impressive spear.

Game of Thrones Recap: Season 5 Episode 7 “The Gift”

~ Sam Holt ~ 1 Comment

Episode 7 "The Gift". Rigg, Diana as Olenna Tyrell

(Warning: Spoilers for all episodes of Game of Thrones)

I didn’t expect Season 5 to live up to Season 4’s expectations.  From the book reading sources I’ve conversed with, the end of book 3 (of which Season 4 was based off of) was probably the best material within the books.  Not to say this season has been bad, but it lacks the pop of the previous season.  The next three episodes may be very shocking (especially to book readers, who I’ve been told find themselves facing mostly uncharted territory in Meereen, Winterfell, and Dorne), but I’m not sure I’m completely sold.  Season 5 has been given the unfortunate task of telling a half a story.  Adapted from the first half of two books, it seems more like the dreadful trend that popular movie series have adopted as of late, splitting their final movie into two parts.  There have been no major deaths so far this season, which isn’t to say their hasn’t been drama, but it’s a definite new direction for the usually violent show.

This is Game of Thrones, totally spinning my head. Look how shocked I am.
This is Game of Thrones, totally spinning my head. Look how shocked I am.

I’m more concerned with this fact:  Game of Thrones is becoming predictable.  Honestly, probably the least predictable thing that happened in this episode was that Bronn actually survived it (more on that later).  Hopefully I’m wrong, and they’ll spin my head for real in the next three episodes.  But, c’mon.  Was anyone shocked when Reek stayed loyal to Ramsay?  Were you blown away by the High Sparrow turning the tables on Cersei?  And did it blow your mind that Gilly and Sam finally had sex?  Wait, shit, they banged?  Nevermind, this show does still have a curveball.  Let’s break it down, shall we?

Your girl was the worst. I thought you should know.
Your girl was the worst. I thought you should know.

At the wall, after Tormund got done mugging everyone like he just collectively fucked every crows’ girlfriend, we were treated to a couple of scenes of Maester Aemon (that old guy at the Wall) going delirious before dropping dead of old age for the second time in Game of Thrones history (you may remember the first was Cat Stark’s dad, the victim of Edmure Tully’s clinic on how not to set a boat on fire).  Then, Sam gets the shit kicked out of him and gets saved by a giant CGI Deus Ex Machina dog.  He is then rewarded for having the supernatural ability of being near a dog by losing his V card.  I’d like to make a short list of people that have had less sex than Sam this year: Jon Snow, Melisandre, Littlefinger, Jaime, Podrick, Tyrion, and Theon Greyjoy.  That’s an impressive list.  Though he has had less sex than Tommen, Margaery, Dany, Daario, and probably even Oberyn.  Even in his current state, I wouldn’t put it past him.  He’s still more appealing than Jorah.

Who the fuck is this guy? Where did he come from?
Who the fuck is this guy? Where did he come from?

Speaking of Ser Just a Friend, he did a great job at sucking at killing people and getting shut down this week.  Luckily for him, Tyrion escaped in time to present himself to the Queen and collectively make everyone giggle in excitement.  But, can we briefly talk about how he got out of his chains?  Tyrion is sturggling trying to cut himself loose when some big cousin Orson mofo comes by with a blade.  By now, I’m sure you already forgot this happened, but it did.  Were we supposed to believe he was in danger?  Why did that guy cut him loose if it was inferred he was working for the slave master?  What’s he even doing there?  Can we cut out next week’s Brienne section so we can learn what makes that guy tick?  Anyone?

Shockingly, I couldn't find a SFW GIF of this scene, so here's an Owl that reminds me of Samwell.
Shockingly, I couldn’t find a SFW GIF of this scene, so here’s an Owl that reminds me of Samwell.  I promise only one more owl picture.

And since we’re on the topic of scenes they can cut, let’s go to Dorne.  Shocker, Myrcella wants to stay and make out with Trystan more.  Also, why all the y’s?  Is everyone allergic to i’s in Westeros?  Then we stumble upon the inevitable death of Bronn in the prison.  Oh, and here’s the Sand Snakes.  Great.  Another scene with…wait…hmm.  They uh…yeah.  What was I saying?  Sand Snakes are great right?  I always say that.  Don’t say it enough, quite frankly.  Wait, whoa!  NO!  BRONN!  BRONN!  STAY WITH ME BUDDY!  STOP LOOKING AT THOSE PHENOMENAL TITS AND SAVE YOUR GODDAMN SELF!  GIVE HIM THE ANTIDOTE YOU SUCCUBUS!  HE’S A TOP TEN CHARACTER!  Thank you.

Quick aside for seriousness…why did this scene exist?   To reveal that the Sand Snakes poison their blades too?  Yeah, we figured.  And if they were just trying to kill Bronn, why save him?  I’m never gonna complain about seeing beautiful women get naked on Game of Thrones, but maybe make it a more useful scene.  Like this NSFW scene.  Or this NSFW scene.  And remember the scene that preceded this line where you definitely weren’t listening to Littlefinger?  You’re welcome.

Still hot.
Still hot.

On the subject of Littlefinger speaking truths in his brothel, Bae gets threatened by Olenna saying that unless Petyr (fucking y’s, seriously) solves this shit, she’s dropping the bomb that he’s the new Kingslayer.  Luckily, he brings in nobody’s favorite Lannister, Lancel, to clean up his mess.  This finally wiped the season long smirk off of Cersei’s face as she got hit by the most obvious double cross of all time.  Really Cersei?  You thought empowering a bunch of Seven-Pointed Star thumpers was a good idea when you’re captain of the adultery team and an incest hall of famer?  Especially when there’s a dude working for them that you did both of those things with?  I hope for your sake you look as good in jail as Margaery does.

Barn Owls...the Boltons of Owls.
Barn Owls…the Boltons of Owls.  Only more creepy.

As for Sansa, she can be forgiven that she couldn’t foresee Reek staying in Ramsay’s corner.  I mean, dude already sided with Ramsay over basically his entire family.  I’m sure this isn’t the last move for Sansa, and I’m sure it will include attempting to drag Theon back to his senses, but until the time comes for Ramsay to die, I doubt that happens.  And if you think it’s Ramsay’s time to die, let me remind you of our current power rankings of antagonists:

1) Ramsay Bolton and family

2) Sons of the Harpy

3) Melisandre

4) Littlefinger (is he an antagonist right now?)

5) Everyone at the Wall not named Sam or Gilly

That’s really about it.  Like, the Faith Militant isn’t even really an antagonist since they arrested Cersei.  Also, are we supposed to hate them since they stand up for all the poor people Game of Thrones doesn’t bother to talk about?  Other than arresting Margaery, they haven’t really ruffled my feathers.  Good shows have good antagonists, and like it or not, Ramsay should stay since he’s great to root against.  At least until Reek finally kills the guy who drove him insane blowing his horn three whole seasons ago.  And I’m not sure we’ll see that this season.

Season 5 may very well be setting up for the next one, which may even be a worthy sacrifice.  A lot of paths should be clearer by then:  Dany and Tyrion will have (hopefully) joined forces, Arya will be a trained bad-ass, and maybe Tommen will finally say something more useful than Hodor.  But, hopefully, this season lights off some fireworks before going dark ’til next spring.

That’s all for this week, and as always, remember, don’t go along with Ramsay’s plan to let Theon escape, because he’ll probably shoot you at point blank range in the head with an arrow.