Game of Thrones Recap: Season 5 Episode 8 “Hardhome”

June 2, 2015June 2, 2015 ~ Sam Holt ~ Leave a comment

(Spoilers for everything up to this episode of Game of Thrones)

Okay, so maybe last week was a bad time to point out that Game of Thrones was getting predictable. Last night, after seasons of intrigue, suspense, and anticipation, Game of Thrones fans finally got to see one of the big moments they’ve been waiting for. And somehow it didn’t involve Tyrion Fucking Lannister talking to Daenerys Fucking Targaryen. Last year’s Episode 8 was probably the best episode in a ridiculously good season and began probably the best 3 episode run this show has ever had. This season has been dull by comparison, but almost every stop in “Hardhome” was fantastic. That being said, I have some qualms with the implications this episode highlighted. I know this will make me sound like the Jebidiah Atkinson, but I’ll defend my thoughts. So before we get to the top story, let’s do some quick hits through Essos and the Seven Kingdoms.

Looks like “Lana” is going to be taking her enemies to the…DANGER ZONE!

Arya finally got a target this week which is…better. Seriously, this whole season has been a wash for Arya (Get it? I hate myself.). But, at least now she’ll get to kill somebody. I’m rather shocked to say somehow Jaqen H’ghar turned into the worst screen partner Arya’s had so far (Quick rankings, 1) the Hound 2) Tywin 3) Syrio 4) Yoren 5) Gendry. Honorable Mention to Jon Snow). With all his mystery, his lack off assassinating really makes him seem much lamer. Although, it seems his teachings are finally getting somewhere. Turning Arya into someone else is a good start. But we can’t forget who she is. She still has that list of people she wants to murder. Out of her whole list, she’s only personally killed Polliver. Admittedly it’s hard for her to kill those people in Braavos. Cersei’s in a cell in King’s Landing. Walder Frey is safely in the plot purgatory that is the Riverlands. The Mountain is unsafely with Qyburn where “the work continues.” And Meryn Trant is on a boat with Mace Tyrell heading to the Iron Bank of…oh shit. OH SHIT GUYS! I hope the Meryn Trant fan club is well rested, cause that mofo is on a one-way train heading straight for the Bone Zone. God, I love this show.

In other Stark news, Sansa found out she was getting Punk’d this whole time. After constantly badgering the Artist Formerly Known as Theon, she finally got Reek to give up his juiciest secret, letting her know that her younger brothers are still alive…somewhere. Sansa still has no idea where they are though, and even if she did, finding them wouldn’t really help their safety with the Boltons still in power. But Bran is supposedly safe becoming a birdman north of the Wall, and Rickon should be (according to one throwaway line of dialogue) with House Umber, who you may remember all the way back from Season 1 as the house with the guy that laughed after his fingers got bit off by a giant fucking wolf. So, you know, nothing to worry about there. I’m not entirely sure what will happen with Sansa, but if Brienne does get through to her and they start traveling to find her brothers…wait no, I still won’t really give a shit.

Elsewhere in Winterfell we were teased with an intriguing plan from Ramsay Bolton to quell the incoming invasion of fire worshipers to the snowed-in castle. Not knowing his intentions, I’m guessing it has to pass the Rule of Cool. No way the ever-pragmatic Roose Bolton would let Ramsay spoil a sure victory unless it was so awesome that the TV audience couldn’t be denied (and let’s face it, sieges don’t make for good TV). This is really the first time since Season 2 that Stannis and Co. are in any sort of danger. It’s almost guaranteed heads will roll in the last two episodes, and very suddenly, Stannis, Shireen, and Ser Davos are all trickling towards the Bone Zone.

Quick note to the High Sparrow: if you want Cersei to confess, you should’ve brought a bucket of wine. That chick would’ve confessed to fucking Jaime on Robert’s dead corpse while worshiping the Lord of Light if she could suck down some Merlot. I mean, look what she did for water.

I really wanted this to be picture at the top of the post, but I didn't want to blow the minds of people who haven't caught up. — I really wanted this to be picture at the top of the post, but I didn’t want to blow the minds of people who haven’t caught up.

After getting Jorah and his weepy, Dashboard Confessional ass out of Meereen, Tyrion delivered a spirited and galvanizing speech to Dany about how to rise up and take the Iron Throne for- wait, I’m sorry? What? He said to not go for the Iron Throne? And stay in Essos forever? That sound you hear is the collective groan of everyone who watched this show ever. But, Tyrion does have a point. The Targaryen’s were one of Seven noble houses. When Robert’s Rebellion was in full swing, only two other Kingdoms were at their side: the Tyrells and the Martells. The Tyrell’s notoriously never join a losing effort, and the Martells would probably die before letting Rhaegar’s sister on the throne. So, it seems that the Iron Throne would require quite a bit of force to take back…which is a good thing for Dany (and us viewers) when that force is three fucking goddamn dragons.

And now, a quick interlude at Castle Black:

Olly: Can I speak to you in private Sam?

Sam: Sure Olly, what is it this time…

Olly: Why is Jon freeing the Wildlings? They killed my-

Sam: Oh, shut the fuck up already Olly, okay? “They killed my parents and ate them. Wah wah wah.” That’s what you sound like. You think you’re the only one with dead parents, Olly?

Olly: No, but they’re evil! They killed everyone I know!

Sam: Oh my Gods, can you go one line of dialogue without mentioning that? They’re really not that bad.

Olly: You’re just saying that because you banged out with one.

Sam: Damn right. You should welcome those Wildlings, maybe you’ll stop whining for a bit and bang out too.

Olly: I’m like 10.

Sam: That’s like 40 in Westeros, go to Mole’s Town and get that sorted out.

Olly: The Wildlings killed everyone in Mole’s Town…

Sam: SHUT THE FUCK UP, OLLY!

Moving on, Jon and Tormund ventured to Hardhome to meet with the Wildlings and save them from a much more imminent death than anticipated. After a brief reunion where Tormund turned the Lord of Bones into the Lord of Broken Skull Fragments and Brain Matter, Jon attempted to convince some Wildlings that he was totes sorry and they should be BFFs for reals now. Predictably they don’t take this well, especially since none of these Wildlings have met Jon Snow, and none of them have been seen before. I mean, that one chick looks familiar. Not sure if I’ve forgotten where I’ve seen her from OH MY GOD:

Pitch Perfect 2 — SHE’S FROM PITCH PERFECT 2!

Unfortunately for her, singing covers of Fall Out Boy to the White Walkers doesn’t really go over well, as her and most of the Wildlings present get fucking dominated by ice zombies. Obviously, this is a lot to talk about, so I’m going to break it down in 10 points.

1) So the White Walkers can seemingly unleash a fog that immediately turns everyone into screaming stabby skeletons? Thank the Gods the fog’s weakness is 10 foot tall wooden gates. Would be a shame if that would’ve acted like every other fog ever known and just gone through that clearly not air tight fence (considering they, you know, LOOKED THROUGH IT).

2) I’m pretty sure if I was a Wildling, I would’ve killed all the Thenns just on principle. If there’s a chance you could eat me, you’re not allowed to be my neighbor.

3) FUCKING GIANTS YEAH! FUCKING GIANTS YEAH! FUCKING GIANTS YEAH!

4) The minute the German chick from Pitch Perfect 2 puts her kids on the boat, she’s a goner. Human beings are so predictable.

5) Okay, are we just going to assume wights (the official name for the risen dead) play by most zombie rules and you just need to destroy the head? Or was it just ambiguous in that giant fight? Like, I thought only fire destroyed them? I’m guessing all those zombie parts were probably still twitching around, but the camera just didn’t have time to show them.

6) Also, if that was Jon Snow’s sword, I guess Valyrian steel also kills White Walkers? Given that off the top of my head, I can only think of three people with a Valyrian steel sword (Jon, Brienne, and I’m guessing Tommen has Joffrey’s), I’m not sure that’ll be super relevent…until Brienne and Sansa lead a charge to save Bran from the White Walkers!

7) When all those wights made like lemmings and spilled off the cliff, did you really think they were all dead, Jon? I would’ve been halfway to that boat if I was them. I also probably would’ve died way before that if I was them.

8) Seriously, I could watch a giant hit zombies with tree trunks all day. And not to mention just walking across the fucking ocean when you’re done. Who needs boats? Fuck you, Gendry.

9) After the Night’s King dramatically raises all the dead into his army, isn’t it a little funny for them to cut back and see Jon’s boat like literally 50 feet away? I think I’d have a little more urgency on getting my ass the hell out of there.

10) Edd Tollett survived that shit? What an upset! That has to be the biggest surprise survival of a minor character being in danger in the show right? Like seriously, you probably already forgot his name, and I just mentioned it 3 sentences ago. Kid’s got First Ranger written all over him the minute Alliser dies.

And now for my concerns. I touched on the lack of villains in last week’s post, and obviously the White Walkers have been groomed to be the Big Bad of the series. But my concerns lie with whether that is a good thing or not. Before I get pelted with tomatoes, let’s get something straight. Was that battle awesome? You bet your ass it was. Two or three years from now, when we’re watching HBO blow its entire budget on CGI dragons torching CGI White Walkers, will that be epic? Yes, yes it will. But does that make everything else irrelevant? If I told you 2 seasons ago that Tyrion and Dany would meet in this episode, you’d think that was a momentous occasion. Now, it feels like an afterthought. Why do I care who the king is if the White Walkers are just going to wipe everyone out? So what if Stannis or Littlefinger gain control of the North if there’s constant zombie attacks every episode?

The White Walkers are not cut from the cloth of the villains I like. Their motivation remains mysterious. You can’t say they’re brainless, since they clearly are intelligent and methodical. So why take over Westeros? When they bring winter all the way to Dorne, what then? Just chill out and build some igloos? The best villains in zombie movies/shows are rarely the zombies themselves, but the villains people become when faced with an apocalypse. But, that’s clearly not what’s going on here, the zombies ARE the villains. Hopefully they surprise me when their intentions and motivations are revealed, and I’ll happily fall in line with everyone else.

But clearly I’m just overthinking all this, as “Hardhome” was easily the most entertaining episode of this season. And Episode 9 is next week. Traditionally, it is usually the best or one of the best episodes of the season. Here’s hoping this trend doesn’t end.

That mercifully wraps up my ramblings for the week, and remember: don’t try to kill Tyrion around Podrick, or he’ll stab you with his second most impressive spear.

Game of Thrones Recap: Season 5 Episode 7 “The Gift”

May 28, 2015January 12, 2016 ~ Sam Holt ~ 1 Comment

(Warning: Spoilers for all episodes of Game of Thrones)

I didn’t expect Season 5 to live up to Season 4’s expectations. From the book reading sources I’ve conversed with, the end of book 3 (of which Season 4 was based off of) was probably the best material within the books. Not to say this season has been bad, but it lacks the pop of the previous season. The next three episodes may be very shocking (especially to book readers, who I’ve been told find themselves facing mostly uncharted territory in Meereen, Winterfell, and Dorne), but I’m not sure I’m completely sold. Season 5 has been given the unfortunate task of telling a half a story. Adapted from the first half of two books, it seems more like the dreadful trend that popular movie series have adopted as of late, splitting their final movie into two parts. There have been no major deaths so far this season, which isn’t to say their hasn’t been drama, but it’s a definite new direction for the usually violent show.

This is Game of Thrones, totally spinning my head. Look how shocked I am.

I’m more concerned with this fact: Game of Thrones is becoming predictable. Honestly, probably the least predictable thing that happened in this episode was that Bronn actually survived it (more on that later). Hopefully I’m wrong, and they’ll spin my head for real in the next three episodes. But, c’mon. Was anyone shocked when Reek stayed loyal to Ramsay? Were you blown away by the High Sparrow turning the tables on Cersei? And did it blow your mind that Gilly and Sam finally had sex? Wait, shit, they banged? Nevermind, this show does still have a curveball. Let’s break it down, shall we?

Your girl was the worst. I thought you should know.

At the wall, after Tormund got done mugging everyone like he just collectively fucked every crows’ girlfriend, we were treated to a couple of scenes of Maester Aemon (that old guy at the Wall) going delirious before dropping dead of old age for the second time in Game of Thrones history (you may remember the first was Cat Stark’s dad, the victim of Edmure Tully’s clinic on how not to set a boat on fire). Then, Sam gets the shit kicked out of him and gets saved by a giant CGI Deus Ex Machina dog. He is then rewarded for having the supernatural ability of being near a dog by losing his V card. I’d like to make a short list of people that have had less sex than Sam this year: Jon Snow, Melisandre, Littlefinger, Jaime, Podrick, Tyrion, and Theon Greyjoy. That’s an impressive list. Though he has had less sex than Tommen, Margaery, Dany, Daario, and probably even Oberyn. Even in his current state, I wouldn’t put it past him. He’s still more appealing than Jorah.

Who the fuck is this guy? Where did he come from?

Speaking of Ser Just a Friend, he did a great job at sucking at killing people and getting shut down this week. Luckily for him, Tyrion escaped in time to present himself to the Queen and collectively make everyone giggle in excitement. But, can we briefly talk about how he got out of his chains? Tyrion is sturggling trying to cut himself loose when some big cousin Orson mofo comes by with a blade. By now, I’m sure you already forgot this happened, but it did. Were we supposed to believe he was in danger? Why did that guy cut him loose if it was inferred he was working for the slave master? What’s he even doing there? Can we cut out next week’s Brienne section so we can learn what makes that guy tick? Anyone?

Shockingly, I couldn't find a SFW GIF of this scene, so here's an Owl that reminds me of Samwell. — Shockingly, I couldn’t find a SFW GIF of this scene, so here’s an Owl that reminds me of Samwell. I promise only one more owl picture.

And since we’re on the topic of scenes they can cut, let’s go to Dorne. Shocker, Myrcella wants to stay and make out with Trystan more. Also, why all the y’s? Is everyone allergic to i’s in Westeros? Then we stumble upon the inevitable death of Bronn in the prison. Oh, and here’s the Sand Snakes. Great. Another scene with…wait…hmm. They uh…yeah. What was I saying? Sand Snakes are great right? I always say that. Don’t say it enough, quite frankly. Wait, whoa! NO! BRONN! BRONN! STAY WITH ME BUDDY! STOP LOOKING AT THOSE PHENOMENAL TITS AND SAVE YOUR GODDAMN SELF! GIVE HIM THE ANTIDOTE YOU SUCCUBUS! HE’S A TOP TEN CHARACTER! Thank you.

Quick aside for seriousness…why did this scene exist? To reveal that the Sand Snakes poison their blades too? Yeah, we figured. And if they were just trying to kill Bronn, why save him? I’m never gonna complain about seeing beautiful women get naked on Game of Thrones, but maybe make it a more useful scene. Like this NSFW scene. Or this NSFW scene. And remember the scene that preceded this line where you definitely weren’t listening to Littlefinger? You’re welcome.

On the subject of Littlefinger speaking truths in his brothel, Bae gets threatened by Olenna saying that unless Petyr (fucking y’s, seriously) solves this shit, she’s dropping the bomb that he’s the new Kingslayer. Luckily, he brings in nobody’s favorite Lannister, Lancel, to clean up his mess. This finally wiped the season long smirk off of Cersei’s face as she got hit by the most obvious double cross of all time. Really Cersei? You thought empowering a bunch of Seven-Pointed Star thumpers was a good idea when you’re captain of the adultery team and an incest hall of famer? Especially when there’s a dude working for them that you did both of those things with? I hope for your sake you look as good in jail as Margaery does.

Barn Owls...the Boltons of Owls. — Barn Owls…the Boltons of Owls. Only more creepy.

As for Sansa, she can be forgiven that she couldn’t foresee Reek staying in Ramsay’s corner. I mean, dude already sided with Ramsay over basically his entire family. I’m sure this isn’t the last move for Sansa, and I’m sure it will include attempting to drag Theon back to his senses, but until the time comes for Ramsay to die, I doubt that happens. And if you think it’s Ramsay’s time to die, let me remind you of our current power rankings of antagonists:

1) Ramsay Bolton and family

2) Sons of the Harpy

3) Melisandre

4) Littlefinger (is he an antagonist right now?)

5) Everyone at the Wall not named Sam or Gilly

That’s really about it. Like, the Faith Militant isn’t even really an antagonist since they arrested Cersei. Also, are we supposed to hate them since they stand up for all the poor people Game of Thrones doesn’t bother to talk about? Other than arresting Margaery, they haven’t really ruffled my feathers. Good shows have good antagonists, and like it or not, Ramsay should stay since he’s great to root against. At least until Reek finally kills the guy who drove him insane blowing his horn three whole seasons ago. And I’m not sure we’ll see that this season.

Season 5 may very well be setting up for the next one, which may even be a worthy sacrifice. A lot of paths should be clearer by then: Dany and Tyrion will have (hopefully) joined forces, Arya will be a trained bad-ass, and maybe Tommen will finally say something more useful than Hodor. But, hopefully, this season lights off some fireworks before going dark ’til next spring.

That’s all for this week, and as always, remember, don’t go along with Ramsay’s plan to let Theon escape, because he’ll probably shoot you at point blank range in the head with an arrow.

Game of Thrones Recap: Season 5 Episode 6 Unbowed, Unbent, Unbroken

May 19, 2015May 19, 2015 ~ Sam Holt ~ 1 Comment

(Spoiler Warning for all Game of Thrones TV material up to and including this episode.)

If each Game of Thrones episode was a drag race, the sixth episode of each season tends to be the one where the writers hit the nitrous button. The race itself is always exciting, but this is the moment that tends to make or break a season. In the past seasons, episode 6 has given us Ned Stark discovering that Robert is NOT the father, two demands for a trial by combat, Jon Snow first meeting Ygritte, and Dany getting really upset about something:

This episode certainly had its nitrous moments. The race isn’t over yet, but some plot lines are speeding towards a conclusion. But while it was barreling forward, it also hit some bumps in the road that could be leading to a catastrophe. So now, in pure contradiction to this paragraph, let’s start with the most boring part of the episode.

In an episode where many people are kidnapped or arrested, the one I want freed is there on their own free will. A lot of people (I was among them) were jacked up for the return of Jaqen H’ghar and the promise of Arya becoming a Faceless Man. Instead we’ve been treated to Arya being bitched out by the two people who can be spared lines and giving lots of dead body sponge baths. I mean, I get it. Should’ve seen the Karate Kid treatment coming, waxing on and off bodies as Jaqen Miyagi tells her she’s not ready. I guess I just expected a little more intrigue, maybe more recruits to form rivalries with Arya or something. Instead, we’re subjected to Arya washing a dead body, getting repeatedly physically assaulted by a grown man, tricking a small girl into killing herself, and touching the face of a decapitated head in a room full of thousands of decapitated heads. And would you believe me that none of those scenes were even near the most fucked up thing that happened this episode? Moving on…

After contracting Greyscale and finding out his father is dead, you would think things couldn’t get much worse for Jorah. Greyscale is pretty much a death sentence and his father, Jeor, only joined the Night’s Watch because of the shame Jorah brought to his family, which was ironically, through slave trading. But now, since they were captured by Mr. Eko, it seems like Jorah is just on a downward spiral. As always, Tyrion steals the scene, this time saving himself not by offering his family fortune (like last time), but by having a huge dick. Maybe his head wasn’t the best part of him after all…

And now, a brief interlude to character purgatory:

Bran Stark: Varys, welcome to purgatory!

Varys: Where the hell am I? Last thing I remember I was sitting in a brothel trying to figure out why they were so appealing, and then I ended up here.

Bran: Yeah, this is where characters with no story go to chill out for a while. Jorah really wanted out, so he kidnapped your boy Tyrion, and here you are.

Varys: Well that sucks, but I guess it’s better than being dead.

Balon Greyjoy: You can say that again!

Varys: Who else is here?

Bran: Well, Osha and Rickon have been here the longest. Hot Pie spends most of his time here. Meera is moping in the corner. Lancel Lannister had been here for years until just recently. Also, Thoros of Myr-

Hodor: HODOR!

Bran: Yeah, and Hodor is here.

Hodor (smugly): Hodor!

Bran: That never gets old.

Varys: Anyone else?

Bran: People have said they’ve seen the Hound limping around, but I’ll believe it when I see it. Also, like every living Tully and Frey.

Varys (painfully): Ah, SHIT! That dog fucking bit me!

Bran: Oh yeah, that’s Nymeria, she’s been here like the whole time, that’s all she’s good for.

Varys: Anything else I should know about?

Bran: Well there’s this one guy, that no one likes, because he constantly keeps-

Gendry:

Speaking of character purgatory, Olenna “Queen of Thorns” Tyrell finally returned this week, meaning that the sunny King’s Landing was about to get some shade. But while Lady Olenna would destroy Cersei in an episode of Wild ‘n Out, all she could do was watch while the Faith Militant put both her grandchildren behind bars. I have a few quick tangents to go on, so bare with me:

This caption belongs to Petyr Bae-*smack*

1) If Olyvar (the guy who’s sole job seems to be to inform people that the brothel is owned by Petyr Baelish and then immediately get assaulted) was Loras’ squire, couldn’t he plausibly have dressed him? I mean, Lancel did it for Robert in Season 1! Maybe that’s how he saw the Dorne-shaped birthmark on his thigh? I understand it’s hard to think under pressure like that, but surely if you just keep denying it, that can’t be enough proof to settle a he-said/she-said argument? Then again, the Faith Militant don’t exactly seem like the type that care about due process.

2) Margaery: Tommen! They arrested Loras, do something!

Tommen: Uh…

Margaery: Now they’re arresting me!

Tommen: Uh…

Margaery: And they’re killing everyone in the streets!

Tommen: Uh…

Margaery: And the whole city is on fire!

Tommen: Uh…

Margaery: And I forgot to feed Ser Pounce!

Tommen: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

3) Cersei is a well constructed villain that is very fun to root against, but even I’m bothered by how obvious this plot line is going. Sure, Cersei is clearly trying to be her father, someone she is too arrogant and not clever enough to be. And sure, pretending to not know what the Sparrows are up to might fly with your spineless teen-aged son, but you can’t expect the Tyrells to take this lying down? Olenna may be known for her barbs, but she’s also rich and has an army. Remember Sam’s dad who Stannis mentioned a couple episodes ago? He fights for the Tyrells. Cersei may think she’s won, but she’ll be sorely mistaken when she gets abandoned by the Tyrells and the Faith Militant shockingly start playing by their own rules in the next few weeks.

Good, good. Nice and slow, no need for anyone to get hurt.

Okay, so I saved the worst two parts for last. Now, I have not read the books, and will not spoil anything for the TV show that hasn’t been stated in the show. But book people kept telling me how great the Sand Snakes were and they mostly seem PO’d over the way they’ve been portrayed. I don’t blame them, since right now they look like scrubs. They just got handled by 2 dudes with 3 hands. Sure, Bronn got nicked by one of them. Does that mean he’ll die? No, of course- wait what? They poison their blades? Oh for fucks sake…

Listen. If Bronn dies because of them, that does not make them scary or threatening. It makes them seem lucky. Right now they seem like some mooks that just bother the real heroes, like Team Rocket, Draco Malfoy, or those weird garbage dogs from CatDog. But they’re not interesting. They’re not badass, they’re not funny, and they’re not sexy. Basically, they’re not Oberyn.

In Winterfell, some fucking bullshit happened. The writers of Game of Thrones are usually on point. But after this scene (and this interview), things are not looking good. I mean, is it realistic to the characters? Sure. Do worse things happen in the books? It certainly seems so. Do we need to see this scene in a visual medium? Fuck. No. Here’s the good thing for Sansa and the Starks. Ramsay’s getting his head fucking spiked. Stannis is rolling in, and if that doesn’t somehow park his ass, Littlefinger has made damn sure Cersei will take them down, and put her good ol’ uncle in charge! Finally, Sansa can be at peace, and her and Littlefinger can…oh wait shit, best case scenerio she ends up with Littlefinger? This guy? THIS FUCKING GUY? Arya, stop playing with severed heads and save your goddamn sister!

That’s mercifully all for this week, and as always, don’t be named “the Tickler.”

Game of Thrones Recap: Season 5 Episode 5 Kill The Boy

May 16, 2015May 16, 2015 ~ Sam Holt ~ Leave a comment

(Spoilers up until the current episode of Game of Thrones.)

Man, I hope everyone likes the North, cause we got a lot of that this week. Skipping out on King’s Landing (one of only 3 episodes in the series to not feature the capital), the focus was squarely on those in the colder and coldest parts of Westeros. And the stories of Castle Black and Winterfell may be entangled soon as Stannis has begun to march on the Boltons. But before everyone starts swinging their dicks around trying to decide whether Roose’s or Ramsay’s head will look better on a spike, you need to realize what world we’re watching. Shall we have a quick recap of the moments where people were seemingly about to get their comeuppance?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Knq_7MfHO0o

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QS2IYyywZMs

It’s much more likely that Davos is gonna end up flayed while Princess Shireen is forced to watch.

There's a joke here about Shakira and Pinocchio... — There’s a joke here about Shakira and Pinocchio…

Speaking of being forced to watch, Ramsay is commanding Michael Scott levels of awkwardness at the table. But after Ramsay dropped Reek’s marionette, he got a surprise from dear old dad: he’s gonna be a brother. Now, here’s some knowledge for those who don’t know/haven’t paid close attention/forgot: Ramsay was a brother already. Roose had a true-born son that mysteriously died. It’s assumed Ramsay had a part in it. Now, it’s true that Ramsay is indeed a legitimized son of Roose Bolton. But, Roose controls his own heir. Kinda like how Renly figured he should get the throne just cause he and Loras thought Stannis was a shithead. So Roose could double back on Ramsay and call this child his heir. And that’s a thorn in Ramsay’s side the size of Myranda’s hipbone.

Also, to celebrate Mother’s Day, Game of Thrones gave us the weirdest, sociopathic, oddly heartfelt father son moment of all time. They couldn’t have missed the mark more. It is funny that Roose doesn’t so much mind that his son is a psychopathic serial killer, he just doesn’t like that he’s being a shitbag all the time. Especially since Roose is basically a serial killer himself, so you know, they can bond over that. He just wants Ramsay to know he cares for him, especially so Ramsay won’t kill him or his new child. Though, I’m not sure Roose’s story about raping his mother and almost killing him was as touching to Ramsay as Roose hoped it would be.

Over in Mereen, Dany provided the music video that should’ve been for that Fall Out Boy song. After Barristan Selmy got shanked in an alley, Dany decided to throw a bunch of the old slave masters to her dragons. She ended up only roasting one, but it was still pretty effed up. And if you’re feeling sorry for the one that did die, don’t. Homeboy should’ve thought that situation out and gone to the sides. Let’s break it down. You’re in a straight line getting bumped forward by spears. Can’t change that, but that doesn’t mean you can’t increase your chances of survival. Here’s a very detailed chart proving my point:

It is clear the slave masters on the edges are much safer from Zak and Wheezie.

It is clear the edge slavers are farther away from the dragons, meaning they are less likely to be targeted or even get residual burns. Also, Dany’s not walking around a lot, and she’s not gonna push her beau, Hipster zoo Lorax or whatever his name is. Easily survivable encounter, if you just use your head. Much like the men’s bathroom, it’s all about positioning.

Where's Rick Grimes when you need him... — Where’s Rick Grimes when you need him…

And now we land with Tyrion and Jorah, who took a wrong turn in ancient Valyria and found themselves in an episode of the Walking Dead. Seriously, ice zombies weren’t enough, they had to toss in some stone ones too. So evidently, the Stone Men are what happens if Princess Scaleface just got that shit everywhere like the worst case of poison ivy (note: I tried to find an image for that and ended up clawing my eyes out). And it’s evidently super contagious, since just getting touched is a death sentence. That’s hardcore. Walking Dead would’ve ended after 4 episodes if you couldn’t even be touched. And that would’ve been awful, since the Walking Dead now employees like half the cast of The Wire.

And finally, a reenactment of Jon talking to Olly about bringing the Wildlings south of the Wall:

Jon: Olly, be honest, you’re cool with this right?

Olly: THEY KILLED MY GODDAMN PARENTS!

Jon: Yeah, I know how that feels, my dad was killed.

Olly: Oh, I’m sorry, did you watch your dad die?

Jon: Well, no, but-

Olly: And watch your mom get hacked to death by a giant axe-wielding cannibal?

Jon: Well, funny thing about my mom is-

Olly: And then watch everyone you’ve ever known get slaughtered?

Jon: I mean, my brother got murdered recently, and his wife, who I heard was sorta hot, and-

Olly: Oh, and then one of them had the decency to tell me HE WAS GOING TO EAT MY PARENTS!

*long pause*

Jon:…I’m gonna put you down as a maybe.

That’s it, and remember, if you try to get paid by Littlefinger for keeping a secret, think of better last words than “Wait!”

Game of Thrones Recap: Episode 2 – The House of Black and White

April 23, 2015April 23, 2015 ~ Sam Holt ~ Leave a comment

Partnerships are the cornerstone of Game of Thrones. Whether they are based on love (Ned and Cat), oath (Jaime and Brienne), greed (the Hound and Arya), lucrative friendship (Tyrion and Bronn), or sadistic torture (Ramsay and Theon). With a fitting episode title in hand, we witness some clashes between some of the top teams and even rekindle some old partnerships. The House of Black and White felt like it hit a lot of similar beats as the first episode; some minor plot developments happened, but it was mostly just table setting. But now the table looks set, and we’re ready to start the meal. (Spoilers will begin after this point)

Bronn, I believe this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

If Game of Thrones had a tag team championship, it would truly be up for grabs right now. With most of the top pairings of old now split up (Tyrion and Bronn, Brienne and Jaime, Arya and the Hound), we’re looking for a new go-to couple. And while Varys and Tyrion show promise, I’d say the likely runaway champion will be Jaime and Bronn. We saw a short bromance with them last year when Bronn taught Jaime how to fight with one hand. Now they’ll be making a (probably) season-long trek to Dorne. I really could care less if they get Myrcella back or not…it’s about the journey not the destination.

Hi, my name's Doran Martell. My two truths and a lie are: 1) I'm the only one of my siblings that still has their brain in their skull. 2) I'm super sick and could die at any minute from disease or murder. 3) I'm pulling off this haircut. — Hi, my name’s Doran Martell. My two truths and a lie are:
1) I’m the only one of my siblings that still has their brain in their skull.
2) I’m super sick and could die at any minute from disease or murder.
3) I’m pulling off this haircut.

In Dorne itself, we see a understandably discontent Ellaria Sand giving the business to her sort of brother-in-law Doran. It seems that Ellaria is pissed because Doran does not appear as upset that the Mountain used Oberyn’s head like a stressball on a really bad case of the Mondays. But Doran wishes to echo Oberyn’s promise of not hurting little girls in Dorne, and tells Ellaria and her daughters to stay away from Myrcella Lannister, Cersei and ~~Jaime’s~~ Robert’s only daughter. If Myrcella is to marry Doran’s son (as is the current arrangement), it would pull Dorne back into the royal family. However, this agreement was made to smooth over tensions back when Tyrion was helping out the crown. Now Tyrion has killed more Lannisters than Oberyn has (not saying much, Oberyn really dropped the ball). It seriously is not good to be a Lannister child these days.

I never should've left that cave... — I never should’ve left that cave…

The House of Black and White was also a rare triumph for House Stark all around, setting up what should be a solid season for them. Jon Snow won an election, Arya reunited with an old friend, Sansa made a (probably) smart decision to stick with Littlefinger, and Bran is guaranteed to survive the season. Let’s start with Jon Snow. Homeboy turns down being legitimized by Stannis and instead gets voted Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch. Even the mopiest of northern bastards would probably take that as a good consolation prize. Of course, real bastards of the north kill everyone their father tells them to and go legit.

A man may not be Jaqen H'Ghar, but a man does have a flair for the dramatic. — A man may not be Jaqen H’Ghar, but a man does have a flair for the dramatic.

Meanwhile, Arya travels to Braavos to find Jaqen H’ghar. We last saw Jaqen when Arya was wasting her 3 death wishes on mooks while she was playing tea time with Tywin. After getting denied by old Mace Windu at the door to the House of Black and White (where she expects to find Jaqen), she does what any normal human being would do: sit outside the house in the rain all night, toss the very important coin she was given in the sea, cut the head off a pigeon, and then warn 3 boys that she’ll kill them. Sarcasm aside, there’s a reason why pretty much everyone loves Arya, and now that Jaqen knows he’s got a pint-sized hitman on his payroll, things are looking to get pretty exciting.

Over in the Vale, Brienne is contemplating her next move while Podrick is contemplating which sex god moves he’s gonna pull on this ale wench.

Unfortunately, he gets cockblocked by Brienne trying to win over Sansa Stark by attempting to murder her uncle’s security detail. I wish they’d give Brienne something better to do. She gets rejected by Jaime, by Arya, and now by Sansa. Can’t she see she has everything she needs clumsily riding right behind her? Speaking of Podrick, it’s a good thing the whole squire/male prostitute thing is working out for him because his throwing accuracy is channeling Ricky Vaughn:

Over in Slaver’s Bay, we get the next installment of Daenerys Targaryen: The Queen Who Sucks at Everything. She’s as good at making decision as the Ferguson Police Department. I’ve seen better rulers in a public elementary school. I had more control over my bowel movements as a baby than she has over Slaver’s Bay. I mean, I get it. I really do. You need to set precedent that crimes do not go unpunished. If you’re really concerned for the future of Slaver’s Bay (and you’re the only one), you gotta roll a few heads. But maybe, juuuuuuust maybe, don’t chop off the head of a kid super loyal to you, especially when the crowd’s reaction is this:

Seriously, what the actual fuck. Like, can we all agree to start doing this at sporting events instead of booing? If you’re Alex Rodriguez, and you walk up to bat at Fenway and 40,000 people just start hissing at you like snakes, what do you do? I’ll tell you what I’d do. Shit my pants. Immediately. Right there on the field. And I wouldn’t even be embarrassed about it. Then I’d waddle out of there.

Speaking of waddling, it’s a good thing my man Tyrion is coming to help this shit show. Besides Tyrion dropping by far the best line of the episode (major NSFW dialogue), he adds legitimacy and intrigue to Dany’s campaign. His opinions won’t be met warmly, and conflict is obviously what drives story. As long as her dragons don’t mistake him for a goat or a tiny girl, he should have a great run in Mereen.

That about wraps it, so until next week, remember, if you’re gonna run from the Hound, make sure you run very fast.

Game of Thrones Recap: The Wars to Come

April 19, 2015April 19, 2015 ~ Sam Holt ~ Leave a comment

First off: Sorry I was late this week. I’ve created a schedule, and will do a Monday/Tuesday and Friday/Saturday post.

When people hear “Game of Thrones,” you think of heads being lobbed off, everybody banging each other, and ice zombies slowly trudging towards the inevitable conclusion. So if you were disappointed with the kick off of the season’s lack of big moments, you would be excused. Sure, there were boobs, butts, and killings (and that all happened in one scene). Not to mention a notable character facing an excruciating death. But that’s all tame for Game of Thrones. Honestly, the winner for the day may have been fans of male nudity, because we got a ton of that. All and all, this episode feels like the bread we get to nibble on while we look over the menu. But when the menu resembles a 5 star tasting menu, that can be exciting all on its own. (Spoilers for the episode begin now.)

Even Meryn Fucking Trant knows shits about to go down.

The first episode is usually a table setting affair. Yet, that’s not to say they are without big moments. Season 1 had Bran getting pushed out a window. Season 2 had the baby murder. Season 3 had the dramatic return of Barristan Selmy (wait, you didn’t remember him from his two whole scenes from season 1?). And Season 4 had probably the most rewarding scene of the entire series. Mance Rayder getting the Last of the Mohicans treatment from Jon Snow may have been a big moment…but all it does is establish Jon Snow for what we know he is. He’s a good man who knows nothing. Jon doesn’t want to watch a man he respects burn. So he threatens his allegiance with his most powerful ally to stand up for his morals. Fine. You’re a Stark. It’s what you do. Just remember that other thing you guys tend to do.

Speaking of people at the Wall, the filters used to shoot the scenes at the Wall may have dulled the look of the Red Woman, but she’s still throwing heat.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ncwbf3WmYSw

Jon, just be careful, remember what happened to the last bastard she gave it up to…

Also, we finally made it back to that city in Essos we briefly teased in an earlier season that everyone is begging to be explored. No, not Braavos, Pentos! For most people who can’t remember the early parts of Season 1, Daenerys and her sociopathic future king turned tree ornament brother Viserys were holed up in this palace with some friggin’ fat dude. You may also remember said fat dude from talking to that other balder fat dude (Varys) in Season 1 while Arya eavesdropped. If you don’t, it’s fine, because there was a whole scene devoted to how Ned Stark thinks Arya is losing her mind and should go chase cats instead.

I mean, if Varys was being a shithead, Littlefinger would've told me... — I mean, if Varys was being a shithead, Littlefinger would’ve told me…

Anyway, that fat dude’s name is Illyrio Mopatis, and besides being a dead ringer for Medieval Ron Swanson, he is the leader of the Targaryen political machine, and has been working with Varys the whole time to try to get Daenerys on the throne. So the same scene where this happened…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7gQyk9DmtHg

…is where this is happening:

So, Varys has finally tipped his hand to another: he believes what is best for “the realm” is to get a Targaryen back in power…Dany to be exact. This is great for 3 reasons:

1) Dany might finally actually start going to Westeros.

2) We finally get to see one of the few major characters who have never interacted with each other interact…hopefully on their way to Westeros.

3) FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THE OLD GODS AND THE NEW GET YOUR FUCKING DRAGON ASS TO WESTEROS ALREADY AND MURDER THAT INNOCENT CHILD AND HIS ADORABLE PET CAT!

My life be like "oooh aaaah" — My life be like “oooh aaaah”

Meanwhile, Littlefinger is going straight Life of a Don status and has taken on an apprentice. Sansa has not been a great character. She was probably the stiffest Stark at the beginning of season 4, which is saying something since 3 of them are dead. But her recent turn on Littlefinger’s arm is very intriguing. Is she genuinely interested in him? Is she using him as protection? Does she want to become more street savvy? Does she even care? I’m down with Sansa now, best thing to happen to the Vale since they installed a moon door.

I wanted to show an image with these two from season 5, but finding one that was appropriate was rather difficult.

In Slaver’s Bay, Dany still hates slavery. The people still want old customs to come back. Dany gets mad because they sound barbaric to her Westerosi perspective (I mean, what’s wrong with a bunch of kids fighting to the death? They’re making millions off it today!). But Daario manages to magically sex her into changing her mind. Okay, time out. I’m sorry. Sure, I can suspend my disbelief that this world has dragons. And magic. And walking ice zombies no one seems to care about. But I draw the line at being able to bang a girl so hard she changes her mind on a political issue. Is this a real thing? Is there a pill I can buy? Is this how Clinton became president?

Also, there’s some weird bird faced people that are killing the unsullied. Don’t worry, I’m sure we’ll never hear about that again.

And lastly,Brienne doesn’t want Pod to stick around. Pod is sad. This-wait what’s that Sansa?

See you next week, and remember, don’t take out a sword in the Dothraki Sacred City while asking for a Golden Crown.

Game of Thrones Season 5 Preview

April 6, 2015April 7, 2015 ~ Sam Holt ~ 3 Comments

I’m not gonna deny it. Game of Thrones is my favorite show on TV, and probably my favorite show ever. I love shows with rich stories and compelling characters, like The Wire, Breaking Bad, Firefly, and Rocket Power. And it’s fresh off one of its best seasons yet. So, with the new season starting Sunday, everyone should be pumped up for the glorious return of your favorite show about sex, bloodshed, and the political maneuverings of a former Baltimore Mayor. I will say before we start, I have not read the books. I probably will never read the books. So there will be spoilers for the TV show up until the end of Season 4, but nothing from the books. (I will also provide aside clarification for anyone who is just a casual viewer of Game of Thrones in parenthesis. This will probably be useful to you if you refer to characters as Interpreter Lady, Male Ginger Wildling, or That Fat Kid Who Rules At Sex.)

Clearly Westeros needs to catch up on The Wire…

However, the focus of Game of Thrones has been stretched to even surprising levels by its standards. I’m half expecting the opening to this season to take 5 minutes showing the various Rube Goldberg devices raising up every important location from Braavos to the Wall. (to the Wall).

The show now has as many prominent characters in Essos (Desert Dragon Land): Tyrion, Varys (Bald Guy, No Dick), and Arya are all joining Daenerys and Co. across the sea. How long will they last there? Who knows. But if you told me in the beginning we’d still be waiting to see a goddamn Dragon shoreside in Westeros in season 5, I’d probably just guzzle assassination wine.

That didn't go the way you thought it would, did it? No it did not. — Some people had a bad time in King’s Landing last season.

At Kings Landing, it’s safe to say we’ve seen some shit. Sitting on a throne in Westeros right now is probably about as safe as kidnapping Liam Neeson’s daughter. Though I’d gladly wear that crown if it meant I was married to Natalie Dormer (Skanky Queen). But seriously, with one of the biggest questions in the series being “Who will end up on the Iron Throne in the end?”, does anyone think about Tommen? There are people cheering for Daenerys, Tyrion, and Jon Snow, people wary of Littlefinger and the Boltons, nevermind the giant dead white elephant in the room. Let’s face it, Tommen’s not long for the throne, and since there’s only one way you get off the throne…

The rest of Westeros is all about new beginnings. They finally put every one’s favorite frumpy faces together north of the Wall, with Jon Snow and Stannis Baratheon looking like they’re going to be boring best buds together. The Boltons have rolled into Winterfell to begin the first rule of the North under the Flayed Man. Littlefinger and Sansa continue have their “they won’t, right?/please don’t make me watch this” relationship. And we also get introduced to Dorne (Spanish Westeros), where we can only hope every talks with the same accent as Oberyn Martell (YOU RAPED HER! YOU MURDERED HER! etc.). These stories need time to start developing clearer conflicts. So in the meantime, let’s get to some gripes I have with both the upcoming season and Game of Thrones as a whole.

Why did Varys go with Tyrion?

Yeah, I'm sure that beard will totally throw off everyone looking for a dwarf murderer... — Yeah, I’m sure that beard will totally throw off everyone looking for a dwarf murderer…

All right, I get the intention. It’s clear that King’s Landing is about as safe an environment as Normandy Beach, but Varys, seriously. You want to start hanging out with the dude that escaped prison while sentenced to death, murdered two people, one of which was his father, the hand of the king, and travel with him as a stowaway? Won’t someone question why someone on the King’s Counsel just randomly bailed to Essos with no luggage? They won’t suspect you as an accomplice when someone finds you just hanging out with a convicted murderer? Plus, last time you were in Essos, you got your dick chopped off dude! You think Theon’s chomping at the bit to go hang out at the Dreadfort? Hell no! What’s wrong with your brain?

Why didn’t Ned ask for a trial by combat?

Fuck, I just shit my pants...thank the Old Gods everything here smells like shit. — Pictured: Colossal Dumbass

In one of the most memorable scenes in Season 4, Tyrion Lannister demands a trial by combat for the only chance at true justice he can achieve. If an unjust trial in the Game of Thrones universe sounds familiar, that’s because it’s the same plot as in Season 1, where big ol’ teddy bear Ned Stark got dirt napped by Joffrey after Lord Dickface decided to send a message to no one in particular. So, if you’re going down, why not make like Fall Out Boy and go down swinging? Ned Stark was a renown fighter, even went toe to toe with Jaime Lannister (before he turned into a southpaw). He may have been injured, but he must’ve known he would’ve had a puncher’s chance. And if he went free, he could’ve protected his son and supported Stannis’ claim to the throne. Maybe he really believed he could’ve gone to the wall. After all, who wants to die? Clearly he would’ve been terrified about death, since- wait, no, dude didn’t give a flying fuck about dying. Seriously Ned, it couldn’t have been as bad as this. (You probably thought that was Oberyn Martell’s fight, but I’ve surgically removed that from my brain).

Where the fuck did Gendry go?

This isn't just fan service to get more female readers...as far as you know. — This isn’t just fan service to get more female readers…as far as you know.

Seriously? Davos (Ser Onion Nubby Hands) just chunks this hunk on a row boat and sends him gently down the stream? Dude gets fucked by the Brotherhood, gets literally fucked by Melisandre, gets figuratively fucked by Melisandre, and then gets fucked over by the writers. We need a better bastard son on this show. All we got is a mopey sheepdog and a sadistic goblin. Give that kid a crown and Natalie Dormer!

I’ll see you guys next week with a recap of the first episode. And remember, don’t fight the Mountain in one on one combat. (Shit, that did happen didn’t it?)

Shut Up Bender

by Sam Holt

Game of Thrones

Game of Thrones Recap: Season 5 Episode 8 “Hardhome”

Game of Thrones Recap: Season 5 Episode 7 “The Gift”

Game of Thrones Recap: Season 5 Episode 6 Unbowed, Unbent, Unbroken

Game of Thrones Recap: Season 5 Episode 5 Kill The Boy

Game of Thrones Recap: Episode 2 – The House of Black and White

Game of Thrones Recap: The Wars to Come

Game of Thrones Season 5 Preview