I’m not gonna deny it.  Game of Thrones is my favorite show on TV, and probably my favorite show ever.  I love shows with rich stories and compelling characters, like The Wire, Breaking Bad, Firefly, and Rocket Power.  And it’s fresh off one of its best seasons yet.  So, with the new season starting Sunday, everyone should be pumped up for the glorious return of your favorite show about sex, bloodshed, and the political maneuverings of a former Baltimore Mayor.  I will say before we start, I have not read the books.  I probably will never read the books.  So there will be spoilers for the TV show up until the end of Season 4, but nothing from the books.  (I will also provide aside clarification for anyone who is just a casual viewer of Game of Thrones in parenthesis.  This will probably be useful to you if you refer to characters as Interpreter Lady, Male Ginger Wildling, or That Fat Kid Who Rules At Sex.)

However, the focus of Game of Thrones has been stretched to even surprising levels by its standards.  I’m half expecting the opening to this season to take 5 minutes showing the various Rube Goldberg devices raising up every important location from Braavos to the Wall. (to the Wall).

The show now has as many prominent characters in Essos (Desert Dragon Land): Tyrion, Varys (Bald Guy, No Dick), and Arya are all joining Daenerys and Co. across the sea.  How long will they last there?  Who knows.  But if you told me in the beginning we’d still be waiting to see a goddamn Dragon shoreside in Westeros in season 5, I’d probably just guzzle assassination wine.

At Kings Landing, it’s safe to say we’ve seen some shit.  Sitting on a throne in Westeros right now is probably about as safe as kidnapping Liam Neeson’s daughter.  Though I’d gladly wear that crown if it meant I was married to Natalie Dormer (Skanky Queen).  But seriously, with one of the biggest questions in the series being “Who will end up on the Iron Throne in the end?”,  does anyone think about Tommen? There are people cheering for Daenerys, Tyrion, and Jon Snow, people wary of Littlefinger and the Boltons, nevermind the giant dead white elephant in the room.  Let’s face it, Tommen’s not long for the throne, and since there’s only one way you get off the throne…

The rest of Westeros is all about new beginnings.  They finally put every one’s favorite frumpy faces together north of the Wall, with Jon Snow and Stannis Baratheon looking like they’re going to be boring best buds together.  The Boltons have rolled into Winterfell to begin the first rule of the North under the Flayed Man.  Littlefinger and Sansa continue have their “they won’t, right?/please don’t make me watch this” relationship.  And we also get introduced to Dorne (Spanish Westeros), where we can only hope every talks with the same accent as Oberyn Martell (YOU RAPED HER! YOU MURDERED HER! etc.).  These stories need time to start developing clearer conflicts.  So in the meantime, let’s get to some gripes I have with both the upcoming season and Game of Thrones as a whole.

Why did Varys go with Tyrion?

All right, I get the intention.  It’s clear that King’s Landing is about as safe an environment as Normandy Beach, but Varys, seriously.  You want to start hanging out with the dude that escaped prison while sentenced to death, murdered two people, one of which was his father, the hand of the king, and travel with him as a stowaway?  Won’t someone question why someone on the King’s Counsel just randomly bailed to Essos with no luggage?  They won’t suspect you as an accomplice when someone finds you just hanging out with a convicted murderer?  Plus, last time you were in Essos, you got your dick chopped off dude!  You think Theon’s chomping at the bit to go hang out at the Dreadfort?  Hell no!  What’s wrong with your brain?

Why didn’t Ned ask for a trial by combat?

In one of the most memorable scenes in Season 4, Tyrion Lannister demands a trial by combat for the only chance at true justice he can achieve.  If an unjust trial in the Game of Thrones universe sounds familiar, that’s because it’s the same plot as in Season 1, where big ol’ teddy bear Ned Stark got dirt napped by Joffrey after Lord Dickface decided to send a message to no one in particular.  So, if you’re going down, why not make like Fall Out Boy and go down swinging?  Ned Stark was a renown fighter, even went toe to toe with Jaime Lannister (before he turned into a southpaw).  He may have been injured, but he must’ve known he would’ve had a puncher’s chance.  And if he went free, he could’ve protected his son and supported Stannis’ claim to the throne.  Maybe he really believed he could’ve gone to the wall.  After all, who wants to die?  Clearly he would’ve been terrified about death, since- wait, no, dude didn’t give a flying fuck about dying.  Seriously Ned, it couldn’t have been as bad as this.  (You probably thought that was Oberyn Martell’s fight, but I’ve surgically removed that from my brain).

Where the fuck did Gendry go?

Seriously? Davos (Ser Onion Nubby Hands) just chunks this hunk on a row boat and sends him gently down the stream?  Dude gets fucked by the Brotherhood, gets literally fucked by Melisandre, gets figuratively fucked by Melisandre, and then gets fucked over by the writers.  We need a better bastard son on this show.  All we got is a mopey sheepdog and a sadistic goblin.  Give that kid a crown and Natalie Dormer!

I’ll see you guys next week with a recap of the first episode.  And remember, don’t fight the Mountain in one on one combat.  (Shit, that did happen didn’t it?)