Dragons

Game of Thrones Recap: The Wars to Come

~ Sam Holt ~ Leave a comment

First off: Sorry I was late this week.  I’ve created a schedule, and will do a Monday/Tuesday and Friday/Saturday post.

When people hear “Game of Thrones,” you think of heads being lobbed off, everybody banging each other, and ice zombies slowly trudging towards the inevitable conclusion.  So if you were disappointed with the kick off of the season’s lack of big moments, you would be excused.  Sure, there were boobs, butts, and killings (and that all happened in one scene).  Not to mention a notable character facing an excruciating death.  But that’s all tame for Game of Thrones.  Honestly, the winner for the day may have been fans of male nudity, because we got a ton of that.  All and all, this episode feels like the bread we get to nibble on while we look over the menu.  But when the menu resembles a 5 star tasting menu, that can be exciting all on its own.  (Spoilers for the episode begin now.)

Even Meryn Fucking Trant knows shits about to go down.
Even Meryn Fucking Trant knows shits about to go down.

The first episode is usually a table setting affair.  Yet, that’s not to say they are without big moments.  Season 1 had Bran getting pushed out a window.  Season 2 had the baby murder.  Season 3 had the dramatic return of Barristan Selmy (wait, you didn’t remember him from his two whole scenes from season 1?).  And Season 4 had probably the most rewarding scene of the entire series.  Mance Rayder getting the Last of the Mohicans treatment from Jon Snow may have been a big moment…but all it does is establish Jon Snow for what we know he is.  He’s a good man who knows nothing.  Jon doesn’t want to watch a man he respects burn.  So he threatens his allegiance with his most powerful ally to stand up for his morals.  Fine.  You’re a Stark.  It’s what you do.  Just remember that other thing you guys tend to do.

Speaking of people at the Wall, the filters used to shoot the scenes at the Wall may have dulled the look of the Red Woman, but she’s still throwing heat.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ncwbf3WmYSw

Jon, just be careful, remember what happened to the last bastard she gave it up to…

gendry

Also, we finally made it back to that city in Essos we briefly teased in an earlier season that everyone is begging to be explored.  No, not Braavos, Pentos!  For most people who can’t remember the early parts of Season 1, Daenerys and her sociopathic future king turned tree ornament brother Viserys were holed up in this palace with some friggin’ fat dude.  You may also remember said fat dude from talking to that other balder fat dude (Varys) in Season 1 while Arya eavesdropped.  If you don’t, it’s fine, because there was a whole scene devoted to how Ned Stark thinks Arya is losing her mind and should go chase cats instead.

I mean, if Varys was being a shithead, Littlefinger would've told me...
I mean, if Varys was being a shithead, Littlefinger would’ve told me…

Anyway, that fat dude’s name is Illyrio Mopatis, and besides being a dead ringer for Medieval Ron Swanson, he is the leader of the Targaryen political machine, and has been working with Varys the whole time to try to get Daenerys on the throne.  So the same scene where this happened…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7gQyk9DmtHg

…is where this is happening:

So, Varys has finally tipped his hand to another:  he believes what is best for “the realm” is to get a Targaryen back in power…Dany to be exact.  This is great for 3 reasons:

1) Dany might finally actually start going to Westeros.

2) We finally get to see one of the few major characters who have never interacted with each other interact…hopefully on their way to Westeros.

3) FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THE OLD GODS AND THE NEW GET YOUR FUCKING DRAGON ASS TO WESTEROS ALREADY AND MURDER THAT INNOCENT CHILD AND HIS ADORABLE PET CAT!

My life be like "oooh aaaah"
My life be like “oooh aaaah”

Meanwhile, Littlefinger is going straight Life of a Don status and has taken on an apprentice.  Sansa has not been a great character.  She was probably the stiffest Stark at the beginning of season 4, which is saying something since 3 of them are dead.  But her recent turn on Littlefinger’s arm is very intriguing.  Is she genuinely interested in him?  Is she using him as protection?  Does she want to become more street savvy?  Does she even care?  I’m down with Sansa now, best thing to happen to the Vale since they installed a moon door.

I wanted to show an image with these two from season 5, but finding one that was appropriate was rather difficult.
I wanted to show an image with these two from season 5, but finding one that was appropriate was rather difficult.

In Slaver’s Bay, Dany still hates slavery.  The people still want old customs to come back.  Dany gets mad because they sound barbaric to her Westerosi perspective (I mean, what’s wrong with a bunch of kids fighting to the death?  They’re making millions off it today!).  But Daario manages to magically sex her into changing her mind.  Okay, time out.  I’m sorry.  Sure, I can suspend my disbelief that this world has dragons.  And magic.  And walking ice zombies no one seems to care about.  But I draw the line at being able to bang a girl so hard she changes her mind on a political issue.  Is this a real thing?  Is there a pill I can buy?  Is this how Clinton became president?

Also, there’s some weird bird faced people that are killing the unsullied.  Don’t worry, I’m sure we’ll never hear about that again.

And lastly,Brienne doesn’t want Pod to stick around.  Pod is sad.  This-wait what’s that Sansa?

See you next week, and remember, don’t take out a sword in the Dothraki Sacred City while asking for a Golden Crown.

Game of Thrones Season 5 Preview

~ Sam Holt ~ 3 Comments

I’m not gonna deny it.  Game of Thrones is my favorite show on TV, and probably my favorite show ever.  I love shows with rich stories and compelling characters, like The Wire, Breaking Bad, Firefly, and Rocket Power.  And it’s fresh off one of its best seasons yet.  So, with the new season starting Sunday, everyone should be pumped up for the glorious return of your favorite show about sex, bloodshed, and the political maneuverings of a former Baltimore Mayor.  I will say before we start, I have not read the books.  I probably will never read the books.  So there will be spoilers for the TV show up until the end of Season 4, but nothing from the books.  (I will also provide aside clarification for anyone who is just a casual viewer of Game of Thrones in parenthesis.  This will probably be useful to you if you refer to characters as Interpreter Lady, Male Ginger Wildling, or That Fat Kid Who Rules At Sex.)

Clearly Westeros needs to catch up on The Wire…

However, the focus of Game of Thrones has been stretched to even surprising levels by its standards.  I’m half expecting the opening to this season to take 5 minutes showing the various Rube Goldberg devices raising up every important location from Braavos to the Wall. (to the Wall).

The show now has as many prominent characters in Essos (Desert Dragon Land): Tyrion, Varys (Bald Guy, No Dick), and Arya are all joining Daenerys and Co. across the sea.  How long will they last there?  Who knows.  But if you told me in the beginning we’d still be waiting to see a goddamn Dragon shoreside in Westeros in season 5, I’d probably just guzzle assassination wine.

That didn't go the way you thought it would, did it? No it did not.
Some people had a bad time in King’s Landing last season.

At Kings Landing, it’s safe to say we’ve seen some shit.  Sitting on a throne in Westeros right now is probably about as safe as kidnapping Liam Neeson’s daughter.  Though I’d gladly wear that crown if it meant I was married to Natalie Dormer (Skanky Queen).  But seriously, with one of the biggest questions in the series being “Who will end up on the Iron Throne in the end?”,  does anyone think about Tommen? There are people cheering for Daenerys, Tyrion, and Jon Snow, people wary of Littlefinger and the Boltons, nevermind the giant dead white elephant in the room.  Let’s face it, Tommen’s not long for the throne, and since there’s only one way you get off the throne…

The rest of Westeros is all about new beginnings.  They finally put every one’s favorite frumpy faces together north of the Wall, with Jon Snow and Stannis Baratheon looking like they’re going to be boring best buds together.  The Boltons have rolled into Winterfell to begin the first rule of the North under the Flayed Man.  Littlefinger and Sansa continue have their “they won’t, right?/please don’t make me watch this” relationship.  And we also get introduced to Dorne (Spanish Westeros), where we can only hope every talks with the same accent as Oberyn Martell (YOU RAPED HER! YOU MURDERED HER! etc.).  These stories need time to start developing clearer conflicts.  So in the meantime, let’s get to some gripes I have with both the upcoming season and Game of Thrones as a whole.

Why did Varys go with Tyrion?

Yeah, I'm sure that beard will totally throw off everyone looking for a dwarf murderer...
Yeah, I’m sure that beard will totally throw off everyone looking for a dwarf murderer…

All right, I get the intention.  It’s clear that King’s Landing is about as safe an environment as Normandy Beach, but Varys, seriously.  You want to start hanging out with the dude that escaped prison while sentenced to death, murdered two people, one of which was his father, the hand of the king, and travel with him as a stowaway?  Won’t someone question why someone on the King’s Counsel just randomly bailed to Essos with no luggage?  They won’t suspect you as an accomplice when someone finds you just hanging out with a convicted murderer?  Plus, last time you were in Essos, you got your dick chopped off dude!  You think Theon’s chomping at the bit to go hang out at the Dreadfort?  Hell no!  What’s wrong with your brain?

Why didn’t Ned ask for a trial by combat?

Fuck, I just shit my pants...thank the Old Gods everything here smells like shit.
Pictured: Colossal Dumbass

In one of the most memorable scenes in Season 4, Tyrion Lannister demands a trial by combat for the only chance at true justice he can achieve.  If an unjust trial in the Game of Thrones universe sounds familiar, that’s because it’s the same plot as in Season 1, where big ol’ teddy bear Ned Stark got dirt napped by Joffrey after Lord Dickface decided to send a message to no one in particular.  So, if you’re going down, why not make like Fall Out Boy and go down swinging?  Ned Stark was a renown fighter, even went toe to toe with Jaime Lannister (before he turned into a southpaw).  He may have been injured, but he must’ve known he would’ve had a puncher’s chance.  And if he went free, he could’ve protected his son and supported Stannis’ claim to the throne.  Maybe he really believed he could’ve gone to the wall.  After all, who wants to die?  Clearly he would’ve been terrified about death, since- wait, no, dude didn’t give a flying fuck about dying.  Seriously Ned, it couldn’t have been as bad as this.  (You probably thought that was Oberyn Martell’s fight, but I’ve surgically removed that from my brain).

Where the fuck did Gendry go?

This isn't just fan service to get more female readers...as far as you know.
This isn’t just fan service to get more female readers…as far as you know.

Seriously? Davos (Ser Onion Nubby Hands) just chunks this hunk on a row boat and sends him gently down the stream?  Dude gets fucked by the Brotherhood, gets literally fucked by Melisandre, gets figuratively fucked by Melisandre, and then gets fucked over by the writers.  We need a better bastard son on this show.  All we got is a mopey sheepdog and a sadistic goblin.  Give that kid a crown and Natalie Dormer!

I’ll see you guys next week with a recap of the first episode.  And remember, don’t fight the Mountain in one on one combat.  (Shit, that did happen didn’t it?)