*Spoilers for Game of Thrones up to the current episode*
Sometimes, you forget. Whether it’s because of indifference, obliviousness, or ignorance, there are often times you need to be reminded of certain things. It could be a birthday or an anniversary. Maybe it’s where you’ve seen the High Sparrow before. Perhaps it’s the national bird of Peru, the Andean cock-of-the-rock. This week, Game of Thrones reminded you that Dany fucking runs shit. That’s what she does. She wakes up, rubs her piercing non-violet eyes, puts on her New Balance, finds a Drake playlist on Spotify, and fucking runs shit. In the beginning of this season, I was wondering how Jorah and Daario would managed to smuggle Dany out of Vaes Dothrak. Turns out they don’t. Dany just sits there brooding ’til she’s like “Oh shit, that’s right, I’m basically a superhero!” and just toasts some motherfuckers. I’ve never seen something actively on fire be so cold. Good luck to Daario if he ever spurns her. Let’s see how the endless one-liners and x-rated knives work out then.
To the Wall, where so much shit happened, it needs it’s own Quick Hits section.
The Wall Bits:
- Jon and Sansa reuniting was great, but I kinda wished it had been Jon and Arya. Or Sansa and Arya. Jesus, can everyone get the fuck out of Essos please?
- I hope someday I find a girl that makes me feel the way Tormund does when he sees Brienne.
- Not sure why Melisandre is so guilty about burning Shireen, she totally made all that snow melt even before Ramsay lit their entire camp on fire.
- I like that Sansa is taking charge. It allows Jon Snow to go back to what he does best: being a whiny little bitch.
- If Podrick joins the Night’s Watch, it would be the biggest waste of talent since Len Bias.
The combined forces of Jon Snow, the Wildlings, and the Vale’s incoming army attacking Winterfell seems to finally be galvanizing all the northern plotlines towards an engaging center. Plus, Ramsay’s been dealing with a bit of over exposure lately, since he’s actually making killing people look boring. They’re just dropping like flies at Winterfell. This week may have seemed a bit excessive, but you had to do something about Osha eventually. You either kill Tonks off screen or you kill her on screen, doesn’t make narrative sense to keep her around. But it’s also starting to not make sense to keep Ramsay around. He’s not going to be the king, and being Lord of Winterfell isn’t a long term viable option for a tactless sociopath, so he’s probably due some comeuppance. He’s probably not going to be as big a fan of dogs though, once he sees Ghost.
Meanwhile, in King’s Landing…
Septa Unella: The High Sparrow will see you now.
Margaery: *under her breath* Please don’t tell me a long boring story…please don’t tell me a long boring story…please don’t-
High Sparrow: When I was a cobbler…
Margaery: Goddammit.
High Sparrow: What?
Margaery: Seriously, literally no one gives a shit.
High Sparrow: My dear, you need to hear of my past so you can be motivated to change your ways.
Margaery: More like change the time of my afternoon nap. Dude, you’re like Nyquil mixed with Benadryl, only you don’t alleviate my irritation.
High Sparrow: You have to atone for your sins…
Margaery: You gonna shame walk me?
High Sparrow: You must be naked before the eyes of gods and men…
Margaery: More like naked before the eyes of new HBO Now subscribers…
High Sparrow: …and complete your walk of atonement through the city…
Margaery: Dude, no fucking way. The last one took like 15 fucking minutes. We have way too many plots going on for that to happen. Don’t you want to see what Sam is puking into this week?
High Sparrow: No one wants that.
Margaery: Fair enough, just let me get back to my life.
High Sparrow: You mean banging a 14 year old?
Margaery: Well, when you put it like that…
And now we come to the Greyjoys for…well, some reason. From a non-book perspective, I can’t see why anyone would give a shit. So far, you have some weird dude that dumped Balon Greyjoy off a bridge, Theon’s sister is basically constantly pissed off, and some old dude rambled about a Kingsmoot. That’s it. Now Theon and Yara are fronting the duel-dickless bid for the throne. I will say Theon seems troubled by the fact that the last person to touch his dick was his sister. Considering first time he saw her in the show, this is probably quite fitting.
Quick Hits:
- As if Meereen isn’t bad enough, Tyrion is basically the worst third wheel since Harry Potter.
- Robin Arryn is basically just the face of the Entitlement Generation. At least Littlefinger got him a present he can’t just throw out the Moon Door.
- If Robin ends up married to Sansa at the end of this, the real winner of the Game of Thrones is barely pubescent boys.
- Fucking Littlefinger is straight just wearing a black cape now. He’s not even pretending to be a good guy. He looks like he’s about to bite someone’s neck or debut his own Halloween cereal.
- If I was Jorah, next time Daario gave me shit, I’d just tell him I rubbed my greyscale on the inside of his pants. Then nothing but “rock hard” puns until Meereen.
- I do like to think of the High Sparrow just getting turnt listening to Turn Down For What.
- What’s that? You want two Reeks? Okay, here you go!
- Wouldn’t Jaime know Lancel was the reason Cersei got arrested? High chance that dude gets the Jory Cassel treatment.
- Anyone else notice Ramsay peeled the skin off the apple and then ate it anyway? What a dickshit.
- Oh sweet, Theon is gonna help Yara at the Kingsmoot. I’m sure he’ll have great things to say like *mumbles incoherently* and *cries incessantly*. I’m sure that’ll go over great!
Tune in next week, where Bran probably sees the end of the Tower of- what’s that? The fucking NIGHT KING is there? Already? It’s not even halfway through the season! Oh for fuck’s sake…
Shut Up Bender 
