*Spoilers for all episodes of Game of Thrones*
Episode 8 has had a pretty nice pedigree the past two years. In season 4, they had “The Mountain and the Viper,” which to me is the best episode of Game of Thrones. Top to bottom that episode didn’t have a bad scene, and it ended with one of the most thrilling moments of the show. Last year, episode 8 was the smack in the face that was Hardhome. The episode where it looked like Jon, Tormund, and Edd were gonna just jaunt over to talk politics beyond the wall and ended up with an entire village getting gobsmacked. This year we got…a lot of talking. Okay, cool, I like talking. The Hound might not, but I do. Ah, look, there’s Tyrion, sure he’s got some snappy quips about- wait, no, he’s literally just telling bad jokes. Surely this has a point? No? Okay, well at least Riverrun has some tension! Jaime! Blackfish! Coming to a head! Oh shit, it’s Brienne! And she might have to fight Jaime! Oh man, that would just be- oh, the siege is over and the Blackfish was killed off screen. And Brienne and Jaime meekly wave at each other. Well, at least we have that dope trial by combat next- ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!
Even though the episode itself may have been underwhelming, it certainly had some bright spots. Arya became the first Stark to survive multiple stab wounds and even won a fight with the girl that’s job has literally been to kick her ass for two seasons. For someone who is supposed to be “no one” and not show emotion, that girl was pretty vindictive and also was the human personification of a goose that a person just happened to walk near. I also liked that Arya allowed Jaqen to survive…even though Jaqen poisoned himself last season…but didn’t actually, because he was the girl the whole time? But then they were both alive in the next season? And how did they make Arya blind anyway? Does anybody ca- nope, shut up, all that matters is Arya is riding a bullet train to Westeros to go impale some Freys and maybe, like, a Bolton. And the Starks may need numbers after next week’s battle, cause man…if you think that’s gonna end well, you haven’t been paying attention.
Meanwhile, in King’s Landing…
High Sparrow: So Your Grace, I trust your wedding bed has been more productive as of late?
Tommen: Oh man, it’s been awesome! Thank you so much for talking to her! She started doing this thing with her-
Lancel: (sprinting into the room) OUTLAW TRIALS BY COMBAT!
High Sparrow: Brother Lancel, the Trial by Combat is a sacred right to the people; the Seven judge those accused by-
Lancel: That’s all cool, and I’m totally down with all your never-blinking voodoo stories, but that fucking monstrosity is going to literally tear us apart!
High Sparrow: Brother Lancel, please, your faith is being tested, you need to-
Lancel: My faith will not save me from a man that has been committing Mortal Kombat fatalities on people since before this show even started!
Tommen: Brother Lancel, please, the Trial is important to the Faith…
Lancel: He tore a fucking guy’s head off! He made him into a human Pez dispenser! Only, instead of Pez, all I got was vertebrae!
High Sparrow: You just need to trust in the Gods to-
Lancel: I’ve seen a human coccyx! I am NOT a doctor! I’m not even a warrior! I shouldn’t just SEE a coccyx!
Tommen: I’m sure one of our warriors could best him in a trial as long as the Gods-
Lancel: He told me he hates cats.
*Later*
Tommen: We have decided that Trial by Combat will be forbidden throughout the Seven Kingdoms…
Welcome back to the Brotherhood Without Banners! While book readers may lament that their return came with the the crushing realization that certain spoiler-y character returns would not be made (at least not yet), I did welcome their return if at least to confirm that they haven’t turned into town-slaughtering maniacs and are just the regular drunk maniacs. They do seem to be missing that cool archer dude though. Remember him? This guy:
We could use some fucking archers on this show right now. We just lost the Blackfish…Edmure Tully is running amok. Get this guy out there! And while you’re at it, BRING BACK GENDRY TOO! The Brotherhood can just be all the people we’ve missed. Look, it’s the Hound, and Gendry’s there too, playing with Nymeria. And guess who just walked in the door? It’s Oberyn Martell! And he totally still has his brain in his head! JUST LET ME DREAM, DAMMIT!
Quick Hits:
- Dany didn’t look happy about being back. I wouldn’t be either if I realized they had just wasted 8 episodes drinking wine and making dick jokes.
- Varys: Hey, I’m off to do some secret shit.
Tyrion: What is it?
Varys: I can’t let them know.
Tyrion: Who’s them?
Varys: Bye! - Would it be fucked up to name my daughter Arya? Like, would it be THAT bad?
- But seriously, it was good to have the old Jaime Lannister back for 14 seconds.
- Jaime waved as Brienne and Pod floated away. The Blackfish would’ve lit up that boat like a Christmas tree.
- And boy did I fucking miss Bronn. Can we get him back with Tyrion please?
- Qyburn: Cersei, I’ve looked into that rumor you asked me about…
Cersei: Does R + L = J?
Qyburn: *creepy smile* - Somehow, Edmure Tully ended up the Lannister MVP this season. That probably ruined lot of parlays.
- Thoros of Myr: Hey, have you seen Gendry?
The Hound: What the fuck’s a Gendry? - Arya: I put another face on the wall.
Jaqen: Oh my many-faced-god, how many times do I have to tell you to clean the body first?! There’s blood everywhere! - Hey Tommen, couldn’t you have banned Trials by Combat before Oberyn died?
- Seriously, Arya’s not even that bad! It’s just like Aria, that’s a real name! It’s even a character on Pretty Little Liars! Wait, forget I said that…
- I’d like to see the alternate ending where the Blackfish just shoots one arrow and Riverrun explodes.
Next week should be the battle we’ve been waiting for, where surely Jon Snow will kill Ramsay Bolton, the Starks will retake Winterfell, and everyone will live happily ever- oh, who am I kidding, might as start flaying Rickon now.
Shut Up Bender 