For the Watchers: S6E9 “Battle of the Bastards”

~ Sam Holt ~ 2 Comments

*Spoilers for everything up to this episode of Game of Thrones*

There’s a lot of gut-wrenching twists in Game of Thrones.  So many that viewers of the show are often primed for suffering before it happens, like a Wal-Mart employee on Black Friday or a Cleveland Browns fan.  Every moment of this episode I kept thinking, “Here it comes.”  Even when Littlefinger showed up to save the day, I half expected him to stab Jon or set Winterfell on fire while pissing on the arrow pin-cushion that was Rickon Stark.  Hell, I wasn’t even sure that those dogs wouldn’t attack Sansa instead of Ramsay.  Cause that’s the kinda fucked up shit we’re used to.  Instead we got something worse.  Wholesale victory across the board.  Sure, we were due for a win.  But it feels like there’s a shoe that’s going to drop.  Like Littlefinger tries to marry Sansa, or Dorne comes back into the fray, or Cersei loses her trial and then tells Qyburn to go under the city and use all the- sorry, I’m digressing, you get the picture.

Hey, that’s not fair, get down or I’m telling!

There was a little less of a close call in Essos.  Dany is basically playing on easy mode at this point; it’s not even fair.  Just whips out her Game Genie and summons dragons at will. And by the time she gets to Westeros, she’s probably not going to face much hostility.  After her dragons stop by Euron Greyjoy’s armada for a quick brunch, they should get to Westeros with a lot of sympathetic houses.  Yet again all too easy.  I haven’t seen a fight this one sided since Shireen vs. fire.  And now she’s got the Greyjoy’s!  Though, then again, everything shitty happens to the Greyjoys.  Shit, those boats are gonna sink aren’t they?  Can somebody get the Dothraki some floaties, please!

Meanwhile, in Winterfell…

Jon:  Okay, that about wraps up the reconstruction.  We just put up a shitload of new trees in our god garden-

Sansa:  Godswood.

Jon:  Whatever, and we’re good to go!  Now, to start, like, governing and shit.

Sansa:  Cool, let me know if any lords have come to swear fealty to me.

Jon:  Whoa whoa whoa, who died and made you queen?

Sansa:  Rickon.  That happened like, yesterday.

Jon:  Right.  But I’m like, super cool.  All the girls love me, guys wanna be me, and I’m basically the best swordsman in this show.

Sansa:  What about Brienne?

Jon:  I said swoardsMAN!

Sansa:  *rolls her eyes basically forever*

Jon:  Point is, I should be the lord.  I’m in the show way more and-

*Bran enters Winterfell*

Jon:  OH FOR FUCKS SAKE!

Sansa:  BRAN!

The Entire Audience:  Oh no…

Bran:  Hey guys, I’m back to rule and stuff.  Also, I killed basically everyone with me, except for Benjen, who is dead.

*Dead Benjen waves*

*Silence*

Bran:  Where’s Rickon?  I sent him and Osha to the Umbers for their safety…

*More silence*

Bran:  Oh, also, I had the craziest dream right before I got here, where the Night’s King and I were holding hands as I walked into Winterfell.  And now here I am!  Isn’t that great?

Jon:  You know what, maybe Sansa should be in charge…

He was a lovable goof…

Before we wrap up today, I’d be remiss if I didn’t address the death of Ramsay Bolton.  As many who read this blog know, I’ve championed Ramsay as one of my favorite characters ever since his appearance in Season 3.  Villains are often the most interesting characters since they are unpredictable and can have unusual personalities.  From the start, Ramsay was a charismatic, ruthless sociopath who sadistically laughed his way to the top of the villain hierarchy in a show that has had quite a few memorable antagonists.  He’s killed his father, his step-mom, his half brother, Rickon, Osha, that old lady helping Sansa, a shitload of Ironborn, and Theon’s penis.  Not a bad scoreboard.  As this show shifts from a buch of lovable goofs just hacking off heads to a dreary ice zombie dirge trudging toward inevitability, I have to say I’m going to miss the son of a bitch.  There was even a part of me that was hoping those dogs would just lick the blood off his face and go back in their cages…what’s that?  Just me?  Fine, I knew he had to die and it was a satisfying way to see him go.  May you terrorize and torture people in the fictional character hell where you belong.

Quick Hits:

“Christ, okay, here’s Rickon, just stop glaring at me!”

  1. Should’ve let Lyanna Mormont lead that charge.  Whole army would’ve run in terror.
  2. A Westeros version of the Hangover with Tormund, Bronn, and Podrick.  You’re welcome, Earth.
  3. To all arrogant villains in a surrender negotiation: if the supposedly weaker side requests YOUR surrender, and you don’t have a surprise up your sleeve, you should probably refrain from laughing in their face.
  4. I like the lingering shot on the Arryn’s Banner like 50% of the audience knew who they were.  Better off having a picture of a moon and a door, or a 14 year old kid breastfeeding.
  5. RIP Rickon.  He was a Stark to the end; running in a straight line like an idiot and dying after accomplishing nothing.
  6. I’d love to see the look on the gravedigger’s face when he sees Wun Wun’s body.
  7. The opening credits would’ve spoiled Littlefinger saving the day if literally everyone didn’t see it coming.
  8. I’m glad the Harpies went out doing what they loved…stabbing former masters for no discernible reason whatsoever.
  9. The fuck did Davos think happened to Shireen?  She died of old age?
  10. Hey, Stark Army?  I don’t wanna tell you who to be, but if you see yourself getting surrounded by a phalanx, may not be the best plan to bunch up and wait.
  11. Ramsay:  “Their army’s gone.”
    Bolton Soldier:  “What about the Vale’s army?”
    Ramsay:  “Hey…shut up.”
  12. Quick breakdown of the best archers on the show: 1) Anguy, 2) Ygritte, 3) Ramsay, 4) Blackfish, 5) Olly, last Edmure.  Shame only the last one is still in the show.

For the Watchers: S6E8 “No One”

~ Sam Holt ~ Leave a comment

*Spoilers for all episodes of Game of Thrones*

Episode 8 has had a pretty nice pedigree the past two years.  In season 4, they had “The Mountain and the Viper,” which to me is the best episode of Game of Thrones.  Top to bottom that episode didn’t have a bad scene, and it ended with one of the most thrilling moments of the show.  Last year, episode 8 was the smack in the face that was Hardhome.  The episode where it looked like Jon, Tormund, and Edd were gonna just jaunt over to talk politics beyond the wall and ended up with an entire village getting gobsmacked.  This year we got…a lot of talking.  Okay, cool, I like talking.  The Hound might not, but I do.  Ah, look, there’s Tyrion, sure he’s got some snappy quips about- wait, no, he’s literally just telling bad jokes.  Surely this has a point?  No?  Okay, well at least Riverrun has some tension!  Jaime!  Blackfish!  Coming to a head! Oh shit, it’s Brienne!  And she might have to fight Jaime!  Oh man, that would just be- oh, the siege is over and the Blackfish was killed off screen.  And Brienne and Jaime meekly wave at each other.  Well, at least we have that dope trial by combat next- ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!

If you want to remember the good talking episodes, go watch this again.

Even though the episode itself may have been underwhelming, it certainly had some bright spots.  Arya became the first Stark to survive multiple stab wounds and even won a fight with the girl that’s job has literally been to kick her ass for two seasons.  For someone who is supposed to be “no one” and not show emotion, that girl was pretty vindictive and also was the human personification of a goose that a person just happened to walk near.  I also liked that Arya allowed Jaqen to survive…even though Jaqen poisoned himself last season…but didn’t actually, because he was the girl the whole time?  But then they were both alive in the next season?  And how did they make Arya blind anyway?  Does anybody ca- nope, shut up, all that matters is Arya is riding a bullet train to Westeros to go impale some Freys and maybe, like, a Bolton.  And the Starks may need numbers after next week’s battle, cause man…if you think that’s gonna end well, you haven’t been paying attention.

Meanwhile, in King’s Landing…

For fuck’s sake, he’s not even human!  Does no one else see this?  Can he even die?

High Sparrow:  So Your Grace, I trust your wedding bed has been more productive as of late?

Tommen:  Oh man, it’s been awesome!  Thank you so much for talking to her!  She started doing this thing with her-

Lancel:  (sprinting into the room) OUTLAW TRIALS BY COMBAT!

High Sparrow:  Brother Lancel, the Trial by Combat is a sacred right to the people; the Seven judge those accused by-

Lancel:  That’s all cool, and I’m totally down with all your never-blinking voodoo stories, but that fucking monstrosity is going to literally tear us apart!

High Sparrow:  Brother Lancel, please, your faith is being tested, you need to-

Lancel:  My faith will not save me from a man that has been committing Mortal Kombat fatalities on people since before this show even started!

Tommen:  Brother Lancel, please, the Trial is important to the Faith…

Lancel:  He tore a fucking guy’s head off!  He made him into a human Pez dispenser!  Only, instead of Pez, all I got was vertebrae!

High Sparrow:  You just need to trust in the Gods to-

Lancel:  I’ve seen a human coccyx!  I am NOT a doctor!  I’m not even a warrior!  I shouldn’t just SEE a coccyx!

Tommen:  I’m sure one of our warriors could best him in a trial as long as the Gods-

Lancel:  He told me he hates cats.

*Later*

Tommen:  We have decided that Trial by Combat will be forbidden throughout the Seven Kingdoms…

Welcome back to the Brotherhood Without Banners!  While book readers may lament that their return came with the the crushing realization that certain spoiler-y character returns would not be made (at least not yet), I did welcome their return if at least to confirm that they haven’t turned into town-slaughtering maniacs and are just the regular drunk maniacs.  They do seem to be missing that cool archer dude though.  Remember him?  This guy:

We could use some fucking archers on this show right now.  We just lost the Blackfish…Edmure Tully is running amok.  Get this guy out there!  And while you’re at it, BRING BACK GENDRY TOO!  The Brotherhood can just be all the people we’ve missed.  Look, it’s the Hound, and Gendry’s there too, playing with Nymeria.  And guess who just walked in the door?  It’s Oberyn Martell!  And he totally still has his brain in his head!  JUST LET ME DREAM, DAMMIT!

Quick Hits:

I’m not picky, match him up with literally anyone.  Just put him in the damn show.

  1. Dany didn’t look happy about being back.  I wouldn’t be either if I realized they had just wasted 8 episodes drinking wine and making dick jokes.
  2. Varys:  Hey, I’m off to do some secret shit.
    Tyrion:  What is it?
    Varys:  I can’t let them know.
    Tyrion:  Who’s them?
    Varys:  Bye!
  3. Would it be fucked up to name my daughter Arya?  Like, would it be THAT bad?
  4. But seriously, it was good to have the old Jaime Lannister back for 14 seconds.
  5. Jaime waved as Brienne and Pod floated away.  The Blackfish would’ve lit up that boat like a Christmas tree.
  6. And boy did I fucking miss Bronn.  Can we get him back with Tyrion please?
  7. Qyburn:  Cersei, I’ve looked into that rumor you asked me about…
    Cersei:  Does R + L = J?
    Qyburn:  *creepy smile*
  8. Somehow, Edmure Tully ended up the Lannister MVP this season.  That probably ruined lot of parlays.
  9. Thoros of Myr:  Hey, have you seen Gendry?
    The Hound:  What the fuck’s a Gendry?
  10. Arya:  I put another face on the wall.
    Jaqen:  Oh my many-faced-god, how many times do I have to tell you to clean the body first?!  There’s blood everywhere!
  11. Hey Tommen, couldn’t you have banned Trials by Combat before Oberyn died?
  12. Seriously, Arya’s not even that bad!  It’s just like Aria, that’s a real name!  It’s even a character on Pretty Little Liars!  Wait, forget I said that…
  13. I’d like to see the alternate ending where the Blackfish just shoots one arrow and Riverrun explodes.

Next week should be the battle we’ve been waiting for, where surely Jon Snow will kill Ramsay Bolton, the Starks will retake Winterfell, and everyone will live happily ever- oh, who am I kidding, might as start flaying Rickon now.

For The Watchers: S6E7 “The Broken Man”

~ Sam Holt ~ Leave a comment

*Spoilers up to this episode of Game of Thrones*

Game of Thrones this week was pretty simple.  People still hate the Lannisters, Arya spent two seasons training to be an assassin then promptly forgot everything and got herself stabbed, and the Hound came back to spend 20 minutes chopping wood.  That’s all, see you next week.

…

Hey, if the writers can just say “pass” this week and mail it in so can I!

…

…

…

RIP Virtuous Sandor Clegane.  2016-2016

…Fine, I guess there’s more to break down but man, did they just lay a 50 minute fart of an episode.  The big story (and great news) is that Sandor Clegane has returned.  And he’s just fucking tearing the Riverlands a new asshole…uh…chopping wood solemnly, super not hearing the blood curdling screams of like 60 people.  Look, I know he’s got one bad ear, but c’mon.  I think he can here a bunch of assholes just raining arrows on his Sinners Anonymous crew.  Speaking of those assholes, is that the Brotherhood Without Banners?  You know, those puckish outlaws, banded together to dick over the Mountain, benevolently kidnapping Arya and resurrecting dudes the Hound killed?  I mean, they never seemed virtuous Ned Stark types, waving around honor and bad decision making.  But, if that was them, it’s certainly an escalation to go from stealing some supplies from villages to murdering an entire village for having the gall to not be extort-able.  Perhaps we’ll see next week, when Sandor Clegane is hopefully chopping more than wood.

Speaking of chopping wood, Theon Greyjoy is potentially showing signs of life after a “some bad years.”  I’d be happy to see snarky, cocksure confident Theon Greyjoy back, especially with him and Yara seemingly accelerating towards becoming the missing piece to Dany’s conquest.  Speaking of old Theon coming back, let’s take a quick glance at other characters I wish could rise from the dead, or, in one case, just fucking float ashore:

5) Tywin Lannister

Man, if we could will this heartless bastard back to life, I would do it just to see what kind of death he serve the Sparrows.  It would be hard to top what he did to the Reynes of Castamere (not directly told in the show…he locked their subterranean stronghold and filled it with water), but he really needs a new song.

4) Ygritte

At the time, her death seemed necessary, since the Wildlings and the Night’s Watch were mortal enemies.  But now, they’re best buds and the little shit that killed her is doing his best Casper the vengeful ghost impression.  Poor Jon Snow has no luck…though Kit Harrington is doing a little better.

3) Gendry

My affinity to our Westerosi Magellan is well documented.  I hope he’s just with the Brotherhood…then again, after this week, maaaaaaybe not.

We could’ve had this guy on the Iron Throne for 4 seasons now.  Instead we a dope that’s only redeemable quality is he likes cats.

2) Renly Baratheon

Gone over 4 seasons ago, it’s easy to forget how dope Renly Baratheon was.  Most only remember him being the gay guy that wouldn’t fuck Natalie Dormer.  But he’s snarky.  He’s brash. And he’ll tell you what he fucking thinks.  Too bad he’s not a diplomat.  Plus, it would’ve been him uncomfortably getting the sex talk from the High Sparrow, instead of newly pious Margaery Tyrell being told be an ancient man to fuck a child.

1) Oberyn Martell

This list should actually have 3 spaces between Renly and Oberyn just to properly illustrate how far ahead Oberyn is to everyone else.  COME BACK OBERYN!  WE TOOK YOU FOR GRANTED!  AND YOUR DAUGHTERS ARE TOTAL BULLSHIT!  FUUUUUUUUUUUU-

Meanwhile, in the Riverlands:

Jaime:  Blackfish, surrender now and your men shall be spared.

Blackfish:  Dude, you literally have made like 5 promises and 2 oaths, and you just take shits all over them.  So much for “A Lannister always-”

Bronn:  DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE.

Jaime:  But, like, I mean it this time.

Blackfish:  You got a free pass to King’s Landing, and my niece got a knife to the throat.

Jaime:  I’d hardly call losing my hand a free pass…

Blackfish:  And you didn’t even have the decency to do what Catelyn asked!

Jaime:  Yeah, but the Boltons stole Sansa!  Go talk to them!  I ain’t pissing that kid off, he’s probably skinning a child alive right now for fun!

Blackfish:  And what about Arya?

Jaime:  That girl has literally been trying to be not a person for like, 3 seasons.

Blackfish:  What?

Jaime:  Hmm?

Blackfish:  You sound like my nephew.  Mayor of Sucktown, Captain of the U.S.S. Shit for Brains.

Bronn:  Hey, you have to admit, that dude fucks.

Blackfish:  You’d have a better time threatening to hang Bronn; no way the audience would let him die.

Bronn:  Wait, what?

Blackfish:  Doesn’t matter, I’m not going to give you the castle.  Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to spend the next two years practicing my super cool shoot-an-arrow-and-walk-away move.  You have no idea how often that comes up.

Seems like she’s a Stark after all.

Moving on to Arya, who seemingly left her brain at the House of Black and White.  Arya, I’m going to list the people that have called you “sweet girl” in the show:

  1. Jaqen H’ghar

That’s it.  You know they’re trying to kill you and you know they can look like anyone.  The minute you hear “sweet girl” you put your knees to the breeze and hoof it out of there.  You certainly don’t turn, smile, and take a fucking knife to the chest from the first old lady you see.  Also, when walking around with a critical stab wound, it might be in your best interest to ask someone for help.  Like literally, just a soft “help me” or even “I’ve been stabbed multiple times in vital organs, I’d probably be dying if it wasn’t for me probably being intricate to the plot somehow, but somebody needs to provide me with medical assistance to better suspend the audience’s disbelief.”  Either or, really.

Quick Hits:

If you were wondering where your pants are, she’s wearing them.
  1. I’m shocked the church wants a 14 year-old boy to have sex.
  2. Saying Theon has had a some bad years is like saying the Red Wedding didn’t go as planned.
  3. How did it take 6 seasons for Lyanna Mormont to be a character?  She’s like Arya without being diluted by Stark incompetence.
  4. If Lyanna Mormont had been Ned Stark’s 4th natural-born child instead of Bran, we wouldn’t even need the Wall anymore.  She’d also be able to walk.
  5. If Lyanna Mormont were at the Red Wedding, it would’ve been known as “The Slightly Inconvenient Wedding” or “The Last Frey Wedding” or “King Robb Stark’s Wedding.”  Maybe not that last one, she’s not a miracle worker.
  6. Cersei:  I’d never abandon my son.
    Olenna:  You would if he looked like this.
  7. I wish I had enough money to pay for things in “arrogantly tossing a bag of coins.”
  8. Yara:  “I’m sorry, I won’t joke about your penis if it bothers you.  But seriously, kill yourself.”
  9. Casting Ian McShane to play a Septon is like casting Jack McBrayer to play Ramsay Bolton.  Actually, on second thought, that’s more terrifying, forget I said that.
  10. Wildling:  I think we should have cereal for breakfast!
    Wun Wun:  PANCAKES!
    Wildling:  Right, I’ll fetch the syrup.
  11. If Jeor Mormont had birthed Lyanna Mormont instead of Jorah, Lyanna would be hand of the Queen to Danerys Targaryen and Game of Thrones would’ve been one season long.  And no one would’ve had to suffer through this blog.

For the Watchers: S6E6 “Blood of My Blood”

~ Sam Holt ~ 1 Comment

Game of Thrones is known as a show of schemes and plots.  The conniving minds of Westeros (and, unfortunately, Essos) usually come together to outwit, betray, and destroy their opposition.  For the past 5 1/2 seasons, we’ve seen smooth moves from the likes of Tyrion, Littlefinger, Tywin, Varys, Dany, Olenna, Margaery, and even Cersei for a hot minute.  It is also known as a show of death, famously nixing main character after main character, from Ned Stark all the way to Jon Snow the first time.  And somehow, last Sunday we were treated to no schemes, no plots, and perhaps most shockingly, no deaths.  Not even Bolton Knight #2 or even a Stark (Besides Ned, Catelyn, and Robb’s deaths all appearing in Bran’s memory explosion.  Give the Starks credit, they even die in episodes where no one dies.).  This is the first time no one has died in an episode since Season 3, Episode 7 (“The Bear and the Maiden Fair”).  However, that was the episode where Theon got castrated, so I guess you can count Theon’s penis as a casualty.

Edmure Tully:  Now the second most competent person in this picture.
So how did the notoriously bloody Game of Thrones survive with this sudden lack of death?  Some good ol’ fashioned shit happening.  Traveling for 5 episodes?  Guess it’s time to steal your punk-ass dad’s ultra rare sword.  Training to be an assassin for like 2 years?  Fuck that, time to proudly proclaim your existence and slap some fucking rum out of some dumb broad’s hand and say “you’re welcome.”  Haven’t seen some of your favorite characters in a few seasons?  Guess what, we got The Hound, Gendry, and Bronn uh, Benjen Stark, Walder Frey, and Edmure Tully.  Okay, so some of those returns were underwhelming, but man, business is beginning to pick up.

So, if Bran wasn’t satisfied fucking everything up again last week, he starts out this week by immediately fucking up again.  Unfortunately, he gets saved by a particularly not alive Benjen Stark.  I like how they hid his face for his introduction, then revealed his face like 98% of the audience expected to know who it was.  On a good day, the average viewer will recognize Tommen, and that’s with the crown on his head.  As much as I don’t like Bran, at least he’s the first line of defense against the White Walkers, and that’s good since that means I probably won’t have to see Bran much longer.

“Don’t worry, I left a note.  And it says ‘GFY Dad. S my D.'”
Heading south, it turns out being a shitty father is just simply a Game of Thrones theme at this point.  Like somehow Jaime banged his sister and pretends to be his kids’ uncle and he’s like a top 5 dad on the show.  The more impressive thing is that Randyll Tarly basically said he would kill his son, called him fat, and treated what is essentially his step-daughter as less than human…and he’s still not even like bottom 3.  Hey Randyll, burned any children lately?  No?  Had sex with any of them?  Then you’re all right in my book.  Sam then puts his big boy pants on and steals his father’s sword.  His father’s fucking Valyrian steel sword.  There’s like 5 of those left!  They also conveniently kill White Walkers, which makes me believe Sam is not long for the Citadel.  Sorry you couldn’t be a wizard bro.

Meanwhile, in King’s Landing:

High Sparrow:  And now, Queen Margaery will begin her-

Jaime:  Hey fuckboy, how ’bout you give us the queen back?

High Sparrow: I beg your pardon?

Olenna Tyrell:  This plotline has grown stale.  Literally no one likes you.  You have a worse approval rating than Dorne.

High Sparrow:  How dare you!

Olenna Tyrell:  *shrugs*

Jaime: Listen, just give us Margaery, she can go back to having awkward sex scenes with Tommen and you guys can go brood in the background or something.

High Sparrow:  Sure…I could do that…or…

*Tommen appears at High Sparrow’s side*

Audience:  *groans collectively*

High Sparrow:  What was that?

Jaime:  That was the sound of literally everyone watching upset that this is still a thing.

High Sparrow:  What’s wrong with the Sparrows?

Jaime:  Do you think people look forward to Sundays because of church?

Tommen:  Uncle Jaime, I am uniting the crown with the church in order to-

Jaime:  For fuck’s sake, can you just die already?  Let that boat kid be king for all I care.

Tommen:  Uncle!

Jaime:  You don’t know the half of it.  We all know it’s coming, might as well get it over with.  I’m about to go fight the Tully’s, I need some fucking sympathy before everyone hates me again.

Mace Tyrell:  I’m a peacock.

Mace Tyrell:  The Ralph Wiggum of Game of Thrones
Now we come to Arya Stark, who, contrary to past reports, does indeed exist.  Sometimes you just need to almost kill a really nice lady before you figure out who you really are.  That lady was so nice, she made CERSEI look sympathetic.  Luckily for her, Arya sucks at poisoning more than Mace Tyrell does at appearing intelligent.  But she doesn’t have to worry about that anymore since she’s got Needle back.  I just hope that with the House of Black and White coming after her, that she can eviscerate the most arrogant body washer in the history of fiction and finally get her ass to Westeros.  It does seem like everyone is finally getting to Westeros. Except Tyrion.  And Gendry.

  1. Randyll Tarly is trying so hard to be Tywin Lannister I half expected Sam to shoot him with a crossbow.
  2. Gilly:  “He’s a greater warrior than either of you will ever be.”
    Dickon Tarly:  “…the fuck did I do?”
  3. I wanna meet the Dothraki that listened to Dany’s speech and was just like “Nah, I’m good.”
  4. Honestly, what is stopping Cersei from just going on a Grand Theft Auto spree and then just calling for a Trial by Combat each time?  Has she not thought of this?  Don’t answer that.
  5. Could’ve used Lady Crane’s acting in Dorne last year.
  6. I have a book-assisted theory on who the new Lord Commander of the Kingsguard will be, but a huge part of me just wants to see Bronn walk out with a white cloak just casually eating an apple 100% not giving a shit.
  7. Part of me will always be expecting Walder Frey to put Harry Potter in detention.
  8. In all seriousness, Needle was by far the best return this week.
  9. It occurred to me when I was watching Jaqen peel back a man’s face that it probably wasn’t a good idea to be rooting for that guy.
  10. Dany needs a thousand ships?  Let’s hope Yara is better at rowing than Gendry.

That’s our week.  Here’s hoping Arya escapes to Westeros next week, and just starts killing everyone who deserves it:  High Sparrow, Walder Frey, Ramsay Bolton, and most deservedly, Bran.

For the Watchers: S6E5 “The Door”

~ Sam Holt ~ Leave a comment

*Spoilers for Game of Thrones up to the current episode*

Things happen fast in the Game of Thrones universe.  Kids become adults.  Littlefinger makes a 500 mile journey in one episode.  And Sansa steps up and starts holding her own.  It’s about time someone realized Lord Baelish was a total dickhead.  When Sansa called him out on how awful of a decision it was to give her to Ramsay, she says what we were all thinking last year (“If you didn’t know, you’re an idiot.  If you did know, you’re my enemy.”)  With her Baelish banishment though, Sansa appears to be more of a Stark than previously thought, as she throws away the Vale, probably one of (if not, THE) largest army in the Seven Kingdoms, for honor.  They haven’t fought in any wars, and they were willing to fight for her.  Not saying she’s not right…but I’m just saying the last person to choose honor over pragmatism ended up getting most of his family stabbed.  However, trusting Littlefinger got basically the rest of that family stabbed, so it’s really a lose lose.

It’s okay guys, everyone knows you’re the best of all time.  And everyone has totally listened to whatever new album you have.

Looks like there’s a new Red Woman in town!  Can’t be Melisandre because she was on screen for five whole minutes and not once did she take her top off.   Seriously, Melisandre should be looking at this new priest like Cersei looked at Margaery.  She even scared the shit out of Varys.  That butterball literally exists to know shit, and this chick knew such intense deep shit about him he looked like someone told him Radiohead was a bad band.  Honestly, if I lived in this universe, sign me up for some R’hllor.  Hot priests resurrecting you while you just have to super hope you don’t have kings blood in you?  Done and done.  Where do I sign?  Hey, what’re you doing with that leech?

Meanwhile, at the Kingsmoot…

Yara:  I deserve to be queen!

Random Ironborn:  What about Theon?

Theon: Guys, Yara is the best queen the Ironborn could possibly have.  She’s a great leader, a great reaver, and she will-

Euron:  Where’s your cock?

Theon: What?

Euron:  I have a great penis, I should be King.

Theon:  Dude, literally all you’ve done is throw my dad off a bridge and been an asshole.

Euron:  Yes, but do either of you have a penis?

Yara:  What does having a penis have to do with being a good ruler?

Euron:  Basically everything.  Whoever has the best penis is the best ruler everyone knows that.

*Ironborn mostly shrug and nod in agreement*

Yara:  That makes literally no sense.  If anything, caring about your penis definitely makes you a worse ruler.

Euron:  Yes, but have you ever had a penis?

Theon:  I have.

Euron:  How’s that working out for you?

Theon:  YARA DESERVES TO BE QUEEN!

Euron:  May I remind the jury this man is completely devoid of a penis.

Theon:  GODDAMMIT!  My character has depth!  I’m on a redemption story, regaining confidence, and I’m sick of my only descriptive detail is “that guy with no dick!”

*waves crash against the rocks, as a long silence fills the air*

Random Ironborn:  …so you don’t have a penis?

Theon:  That’s it.  Fuck you guys.  I’m going to Essos.

Should’ve pushed him out of a higher window.

And now we finally come to the shitshow beyond the Wall.  Bran Stark is probably indirectly responsible for more deaths than the Great Chicago Fire.  Starts from day 1.  Hey idiot, mom said don’t climb the castle.  How’d that work out for you?  You crippled your dumb legs and started a war.  Maybe if you spent a little more time listening to mom she would’ve been gushing about how awesome your legs are rather than gushing blood from her severed jugular vein.  Then there was Osha and Rickon.  Send them to the Umbers he said.  It’ll be fine he said.  That ended with Shaggydog’s head as a Captain Hook popsicle and Osha getting skewered like a shish kebab.  I’ll give him a pass on Jojen since that cryptic dingus knew it was coming, but this.  THIS is all on Bran.  If you’re going to have unsanctioned warging, you could’ve at least had the decency to check out the ending of the Tower of Joy scene.  But no, you go visit the army of the dead and get yourself found out.  You killed an entire ancient race, your warging Mr. Miagi, your fucking dog, and are directly responsible not only for Hodor’s death, but for his entire fucking sad existence.  Dude was perfectly happy just ambling around tending horses and unlike Theon, actively having a huge penis.  Then you melted his brain and made the point of his entire existence to save your dumbass self.  Frankly Bran is the real villain of this series.  Meera should just leave him before he gets her lit on fire.

 

Quick Hits:

“You colossally fucked up.  You truly are a Stark.”
  1. RIP Summer.  You were always the dog who’s name I knew second most.
  2. “And you Daario?  Do you love me?”  “…oh hey, look at the sun, I gotta go…horse.”
  3. Davos:  With what army are we supposed to take Winterfell?
    Sansa:  I’ve got the Blackfish in Riverrun.
    Davos:  You got the Blackfish?
    Sansa:  You feel better motherfucker?
    Davos:  Shiiiiiit, that’s all you had to say!
  4. You have to drown to become king of the Iron Islands?  Man, Tommen only had to watch his brother get brutally murdered in front of him.
  5. So for those of you scoring at home, if the Night’s King touches you, he can enter cheat codes that allows him to find you and enter your magically blocked super secret base.  Don’t bother trying to figure out why, it just makes sense, okay!
  6. Arya’s upset because they make her dad look stupid.  That’s certainly unfair, because all he did was accept the King’s Hand position, side with Catelyn arresting Tyrion with no evidence, threaten the queen, refuse help from Renly, and trust Littlefinger.
  7. Give me an “Edd Tollett, Lord Commander” sitcom, and give it to me now.
  8. Meera:  Hold the door!
    Hodor:  Hodor!  *Hodor thoughtfully holds the door open for the wights*
    Meera:  HODOR NOOOOO!
  9. Good luck to Jorah for finding a cure to greyscale in the land where child birth is still a 50/50 shot.
  10. I’m hoping Bronn returns next week.  Not sure what he could do though.  Maybe he’ll go back to Dorne.  Sidenote, that is literally the only reason I’d want to go back to Dorne.

And finally, in memory of Hodor, the reigning penis champion of Westeros (look it up if you want, I’m certainly not linking it), I’ve decided to crown a new champion.  Now, I have no way of knowing this, and it’s all speculation, but…I have a pretty good idea:

 

For the Watchers: S6E4 “Book of the Stranger”

~ Sam Holt ~ 1 Comment

 

*Spoilers for Game of Thrones up to the current episode*

Sometimes, you forget.  Whether it’s because of indifference, obliviousness, or ignorance, there are often times you need to be reminded of certain things.  It could be a birthday or an anniversary.  Maybe it’s where you’ve seen the High Sparrow before.  Perhaps it’s the national bird of Peru, the Andean cock-of-the-rock.  This week, Game of Thrones reminded you that Dany fucking runs shit.  That’s what she does.  She wakes up, rubs her piercing non-violet eyes, puts on her New Balance, finds a Drake playlist on Spotify, and fucking runs shit.  In the beginning of this season, I was wondering how Jorah and Daario would managed to smuggle Dany out of Vaes Dothrak.  Turns out they don’t.  Dany just sits there brooding ’til she’s like “Oh shit, that’s right, I’m basically a superhero!” and just toasts some motherfuckers.  I’ve never seen something actively on fire be so cold.  Good luck to Daario if he ever spurns her.  Let’s see how the endless one-liners and x-rated knives work out then.

To the Wall, where so much shit happened, it needs it’s own Quick Hits section.

The Wall Bits:

“I can’t see me loving nobody but you, for all my liiiiife!”
  1. Jon and Sansa reuniting was great, but I kinda wished it had been Jon and Arya.  Or Sansa and Arya.  Jesus, can everyone get the fuck out of Essos please?
  2. I hope someday I find a girl that makes me feel the way Tormund does when he sees Brienne.
  3. Not sure why Melisandre is so guilty about burning Shireen, she totally made all that snow melt even before Ramsay lit their entire camp on fire.
  4. I like that Sansa is taking charge.  It allows Jon Snow to go back to what he does best: being a whiny little bitch.
  5. If Podrick joins the Night’s Watch, it would be the biggest waste of talent since Len Bias.

The combined forces of Jon Snow, the Wildlings, and the Vale’s incoming army attacking Winterfell seems to finally be galvanizing all the northern plotlines towards an engaging center.  Plus, Ramsay’s been dealing with a bit of over exposure lately, since he’s actually making killing people look boring.  They’re just dropping like flies at Winterfell.  This week may have seemed a bit excessive, but you had to do something about Osha eventually.  You either kill Tonks off screen or you kill her on screen, doesn’t make narrative sense to keep her around.  But it’s also starting to not make sense to keep Ramsay around.  He’s not going to be the king, and being Lord of Winterfell isn’t a long term viable option for a tactless sociopath, so he’s probably due some comeuppance.  He’s probably not going to be as big a fan of dogs though, once he sees Ghost.

Meanwhile, in King’s Landing…

Septa Unella: The High Sparrow will see you now.

Margaery: *under her breath* Please don’t tell me a long boring story…please don’t tell me a long boring story…please don’t-

High Sparrow: When I was a cobbler…

Look, I can barely keep my eyes open.

Margaery:  Goddammit.

High Sparrow: What?

Margaery: Seriously, literally no one gives a shit.

High Sparrow:  My dear, you need to hear of my past so you can be motivated to change your ways.

Margaery: More like change the time of my afternoon nap.  Dude, you’re like Nyquil mixed with Benadryl, only you don’t alleviate my irritation.

High Sparrow: You have to atone for your sins…

Margaery:  You gonna shame walk me?

High Sparrow: You must be naked before the eyes of gods and men…

Margaery:  More like naked before the eyes of new HBO Now subscribers…

High Sparrow:  …and complete your walk of atonement through the city…

Margaery: Dude, no fucking way.  The last one took like 15 fucking minutes.  We have way too many plots going on for that to happen.  Don’t you want to see what Sam is puking into this week?

High Sparrow:  No one wants that.

Margaery:  Fair enough, just let me get back to my life.

High Sparrow:  You mean banging a 14 year old?

Margaery:  Well, when you put it like that…

Picture unrelated.

And now we come to the Greyjoys for…well, some reason.  From a non-book perspective, I can’t see why anyone would give a shit.  So far, you have some weird dude that dumped Balon Greyjoy off a bridge, Theon’s sister is basically constantly pissed off, and some old dude rambled about a Kingsmoot.  That’s it.  Now Theon and Yara are fronting the duel-dickless bid for the throne.  I will say Theon seems troubled by the fact that the last person to touch his dick was his sister.  Considering first time he saw her in the show, this is probably quite fitting.

Quick Hits:

You piece of shit!  Stop throwing my gifts out that precariously placed plot device!
  1. As if Meereen isn’t bad enough, Tyrion is basically the worst third wheel since Harry Potter.
  2. Robin Arryn is basically just the face of the Entitlement Generation.  At least Littlefinger got him a present he can’t just throw out the Moon Door.
  3. If Robin ends up married to Sansa at the end of this, the real winner of the Game of Thrones is barely pubescent boys.
  4. Fucking Littlefinger is straight just wearing a black cape now.  He’s not even pretending to be a good guy.  He looks like he’s about to bite someone’s neck or debut his own Halloween cereal.
  5. If I was Jorah, next time Daario gave me shit, I’d just tell him I rubbed my greyscale on the inside of his pants.  Then nothing but “rock hard” puns until Meereen.
  6. I do like to think of the High Sparrow just getting turnt listening to Turn Down For What.
  7. What’s that?  You want two Reeks?  Okay, here you go!
  8. Wouldn’t Jaime know Lancel was the reason Cersei got arrested?  High chance that dude gets the Jory Cassel treatment.
  9. Anyone else notice Ramsay peeled the skin off the apple and then ate it anyway?  What a dickshit.
  10. Oh sweet, Theon is gonna help Yara at the Kingsmoot.  I’m sure he’ll have great things to say like *mumbles incoherently* and *cries incessantly*.  I’m sure that’ll go over great!

Tune in next week, where Bran probably sees the end of the Tower of- what’s that?  The fucking NIGHT KING is there?  Already?  It’s not even halfway through the season!  Oh for fuck’s sake…

For the Watchers: S6E3 Oathbreaker

~ Sam Holt ~ Leave a comment

*Spoilers for Game of Thrones up to Episode 3 of Season 6*

There’s a lot of fiction that includes a relatively normal world introducing something fantastical to the main characters.  Time travel, body switching, Jay Baruchel dating Alice Eve…you get the picture.  So, everyone is sitting around shocked asking questions.  Davos asking what he remembers, Melisandre looking for answers to the afterlife, Edd wondering how he got jokes…but Jon has no answers.  Typical Jon Snow, knowing nothing, not sure what you expected people.  But once everyone’s over the shock and the summary executions are over with, Jon goes rogue and ends his watch.  So, now Jon’s going off to do…something.  I’m not sure what.  Perhaps go after Ramsay Bolton?  Even though your entire pitch to Olly was we need the Wildlings to stop the White Walkers?  You know…band of ice zombies, super keen on slaughtering all non-snow skeletons?  No, just gonna pout and leave?  Aight.

Here’s Olly, making lifelong friendships with the Wildlings.

Speaking of Olly, fans rejoiced across the world this week when he, among others, was executed.  Olly has been an increasingly curious character since his introduction that screamed inconspicuous plot accelerator.  Even the nod to him at the Battle of Castle Black seemed to bring his story full circle, allowing him to enter the background of the plot.  However, natural progression of the storyline thrust him to the front lines of a major plot.  Olly finds himself in a rare Dornish situation of being hated by both ardent book truthers (for not existing) and show watchers (for killing Jon Snow and being a little shit turd).  But, hot take alert:

Olly was a great character built out of nothing with incredibly justifiable actions.

There, I said it.  AND I’M NOT EVEN A BIT SORRY!  I thought he was shitty last year just because I didn’t think they’d kill Jon Snow (and didn’t think they’d use a resurrection angle to free him of his duties).  He stuck around literally as long as he had to, had an nice tight arc, and got a fulfilling demise.  So here’s to Olly, may he rot in fictional character hell.

No seriously this dude was dope…I know you’ve only seen him lose a fight, but listen…

Onto the Tower of Joy, where an ugly Neil Patrick Harris lookalike playing Ned Stark is to take on Sir Arthur Dayne, the best swordsman in Westeros.  After taking the cheap victory with help from Meera’s father, he begins to ascend the tower to finally put an end to all the specu-WHAT THE SHIT OLD MAN?  You psychic suck monster!  Okay, so we knew that reveal wasn’t happening this fast, but it’s still more of a tease than those two girls on still-having-a-penis Theon.  Perhaps by the end of the season, we’ll finally get to see what’s in that tower.  But I’m sure Ned seemingly hearing Bran will come up somewhere later…and hopefully it won’t distract Ned from seeing who killed Lyanna.

Meanwhile in King’s Landing…

Tommen: HEY DROOPY FACE

High Sparrow: Yes, Your Grace?

Tommen: I AM CROSS WITH YOU

High Sparrow: Why Your Grace?

Tommen: CAUSE YOU MADE MOMMY MAD

High Sparrow: Yes, but your mother needs to atone…

Tommen: YOU GOSH DARN MEANY LET MOMMY SEE MY DEAD SISTER

High Sparrow: Hey, what’s that over there?

Tommen: WHAT I SEE NO-

High Sparrow: Is that a kitty?

Tommen: OMGYESYESYES KITTY KITTY KITTY

High Sparrow: Now what was your request Your Grace?

Tommen: Hmm? Oh, I need like 20 more kitties.  For…religion.

High Sparrow: Of course, Your Grace.

I like my Umbers better when dogs are attacking them.

Last week, I made mention that the Umbers supposedly have Rickon Stark and it would probably take more than “shaking a few hands” to get to Rickon.  Well, I was wrong.  Lord Umber didn’t even wanna shake hands.  Besides the glaring fact that Starks are springing up like Jack’s beanstalk while Gilly’s son has been a baby for 3 seasons…bringing Rickon back is a good move.  It gives people a reason to attack Ramsay, makes Ramsay more potentially dangerous, and shows basically everyone else in the North is a total dickcheese.  Like seriously, Umber? Sure, in the books, Shaggydog was a bit of a loose cannon, but in the show he’s just a fucking dog.  Don’t need to decapitate yet another dog.  This fucking show.  And no, I don’t subscribe to the theory that the dog head was too small to be Shaggydog.  You’ve got a kid that grew 3 feet in like two years and you think they give a shit about the size of a dog’s head?  Nah son.

Quick Hits:

  1. I’m not saying Tommen is a push over, but if he was a board game he’d be Jenga.  If he were a mother he’d be Lysa Arryn.
  2. Hey, where was that Arya montage last year?  Could’ve saved us from like 14 dead body baths.
  3. But seriously, good to see Arya reaching her 4 season goal of ceasing to exist.  Although, most of the Starks already achieved that goal.
  4. Dany thinks she’s Beyonce but she’s really Michelle Williams.
  5. I’m glad we finally got to see Sam just for him to tell us what every press release told us the entire off season.  What a waste.  Wait, some people don’t read all those?
  6. Say what you want about finishing a fight with honor, but I think Howland Reed had the right idea.  Where was that hustle from Tyrion when Oberyn was getting his head made into a Picasso painting?
  7. Okay, everyone who had Dolorous Edd becoming Lord Commander, collect your prize at the door.
  8. I really wanna watch a drinking game with Tyrion, Daario, Varys, and Dany.  No charge guys, just make it happen.
  9. Qyburn even sucks at candy.
  10. Cersei, when you inevitably have Zombie Mountain slice and dice the small council, can you please spare Lady Olenna?  With Bronn MIA and Oberyn dead, she’s basically the only funny person in King’s Landing.  Or just bring Bronn back.  Free money here fellas.

And that’s our show, join us next week when Jon Snow probably does a thing, Daario and Jorah try a thing, Littlefinger is actually around to do things, and Tommen definitely doesn’t doing anything.

 

 

 

For the Watchers: S6E2 Home

~ Sam Holt ~ 1 Comment

*Spoilers up to the current episode of Game of Thrones*

Oh, hello there people reading the thumbnail.  Nice to see you.  If you could just…there, think that’s far enough…just a bit more…OF FUCKING COURSE JON SNOW IS ALIVE OUR NATIONAL NIGHTMARE IS OVER!  U-S-A!  U-S-A!  U-S-A!  And while that’s all well and good, there’s still a lot of questions out there though.  Like, will Jon Snow still have all his memories?  Do those 10 organ piercing stab wounds need to be stitched up?  Does he like the new Radiohead song?  I’m sure most of these will be addressed next episode in some capacity, but for now all we get to do is speculate.  Seriously though, if he doesn’t put some duct tape on his chest he should be leaking the red stuff like the Black Knight.

“Hello darkness, my old friend…”
And who do we have to thank for this?  Everyone’s favorite child killer, Melisandre.  What gets me is how emo Melisandre got.  So she thought she saw Stannis Baratheon and Jon Snow fighting in her flames.  Big deal.  She’s swallowed poison, lived for hundreds of years, and given birth to a demon assassin smoke baby.  I don’t know much, but there is at least some god in that universe paying attention.  At least she finally got some redemption though.  Chick has been responsible for more Baratheon deaths than Robert’s Rebellion.  The least she can do is bring back the main character of the entire fucking series.

All right, I’ll admit it, I was intrigued by the Bran stuff this week.  Much like Bran, I have a deep interest in the pre-show/books timeline.  Now, characters like Lyanna Stark, Elia Martell, the Mad King, and Rhaegar Targaryen come into play, as well as the ability to see older characters in their younger years.  Now, Hodor wouldn’t have been high on my list…but it’s still cool.  Plus it beats the shit out of the whiny emo fest that is no-legs Bran and no-bro Meera listening to the Westeros version of Sunny Day Real Estate and Bright Eyes, oozing teen-aged angst with their shaggy black hair/black clothes combo, wondering what the point of it all is.  Wait this is hitting too close to home, moving on…

Balon Greyjoy:  As good at crossing bridges as the cast of Final Destination 5.
Hey, look!  Balon Greyjoy’s back!  I guess that leech in the fire thing was total bull- aaaaaand he’s gone.  Truth be told, the only reason he was still alive was due to the God of Indifference (the writers) and the delay of the Greyjoy storyline.  Sure, no one gave a crap about them last time, but isn’t anyone question what they’ve been up to?  Anyone?  Anyone at all?  Gendry?

We already have a kingdom no one cares about.  It’s called Dorne.  We get no Bronn, no Littlefinger, not even Sam, but don’t worry, we’re going back to Theon’s family for a hot minute.  Let’s hope they learned from Dorne and make characters that do things that entertain us and actually mean something.  And they have to do all that without Tyene Sand’s fantastic set of personality.

Speaking of Theon I have no fucking idea why Sansa feels Theon has been redeemed.  Here are the list of things Theon has done since Season 1 that affect Sansa:

 

  1. Been a huge dick to everyone in Winterfell
  2. Betrayed Robb which indirectly led to his death.
  3. Made Bran and Rickon run away to unknown-to-Sansa locations.
  4. Did a shit job of hacking off the head of Winterfell’s master-at-arms.
  5. Burned two farm boys (I think only he really cares about that one, but still).
  6. Gave up control of Winterfell to the Boltons, essentially allowing it to be sacked.
  7. You can make an argument that his betrayal also led to the Red Wedding, so add Catelyn to that list.
  8. Tattled on Sansa’s escape plan.
  9. Came up with his own plan which was basically try to kill ourselves and if that doesn’t work run away with no good destination in the snow.

Hey, I know this may look like a bad plan, but you’re totally gonna thank me later.
That’s it.  If I were Sansa I’d just continue kicking him in the groin area until he grew back balls to kick.  Sure he killed Myranda (linked for your viewing pleasure).  But that doesn’t excuse the fucking first class assholery he conducted for most of his existence.

But since he’s still alive and well, let’s break down human cutting board.  Theon going home (which I assume is the Iron Islands due to the not so subtle smash cut to Pyke) marks the second time he’s had an option to go to the Wall and hasn’t taken it (the first being right before the sacking of Winterfell when Maester Luwin told him to run).  I like to think there’s an alternative universe where Theon is hanging out at Castle Black paranoid Jon Snow will try to kill him until he redeems himself somehow, and then just goes back to being a generally antagonistic shitheel.  He’d be crushing Molestown, giving Sam shit, and just be totally having a penis.

Meanwhile, at Winterfell…

Ramsay: Maester, please inform the Seven Kingdoms about my father’s passing.

Maester: Yes, Lord Bolton.

Ramsay: Tell them that he was poisoned by our enemies.

Maester: And Lady Walda, my Lord?

Not exactly my pick for the face of only children.
Ramsay: Hmm?

Maester: How should I say she died?

Ramsay: …she tripped.

Maester: SHE TRIPPED?

Ramsay: Yup.  Right down the stairs.  Quite nasty actually.

Maester:  SHE DOESN’T EVEN HAVE A FACE!

Ramsay: To be fair, she didn’t have much of one before, rather plain…

Maester: THERE WAS NOTHING LEFT OF THE BABY!

Ramsay: Well of course not, she landed on top of him!

Maester: You gotta be fucking kidding me…

Ramsay: Look no one feels worse about this than me…

Maester: …and you already fed the dogs too, so that can’t be your excuse.

Ramsay: …I’ll put up a sign that says something like “Watch out!  Stairs!” and hopefully this won’t happen again.

*raven flies in*

Maester: *reading* Looks like Lord Frey is inviting you to dinner…

Ramsay: Hard pass.

Quick tangent, if you’ll indulge me.  It might have gotten glossed over, but Ramsay says the Umbers, the Manderlys, and the Karstarks command more soldiers than all the other houses combined.  That’s true, however that’s not what I’m getting at.  At the end of season 3, Bran tells Osha to take Rickon to the Umbers.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VVlRkEqI2T0

 

From what it sounds like, the Umbers have already been won by the Boltons.  It’s possible Rickon is being hidden there…or that he didn’t go there at all.  What I’m getting at is finding Rickon doesn’t seem like it’s going to be as easy as walking to a castle and shaking a few hands.  And even though Rickon was never a big character in the show, he’s still an important character to the story and his location is an interesting one to keep tabs on.

Quick Hits:

Oh, c’mon! That’s not even in the order that he says that!
  1. If you’re gonna train Arya again this year fine, but can we skip to the parkour stuff I saw in the trailer?  I don’t need to see a teen-aged girl wash dead bodies anymore, thank you.
  2. I’m glad Tyrion knew he was the only one that could release those dragons since he’s the only one in Meereen wearing plot armor.
  3. Speaking of Tyrion, just start printing the “I drink and I know things” shirts now.  I know you got them ready.
  4. If you think you’re having a bad day, at least you weren’t splattered against a wall.
  5. Twice.
  6. Tommen saying he should’ve been a ruler like Cersei is like saying he should’ve been a brother like Ramsay Bolton.
  7. People keep saying they think Ramsay is gonna die.  Why?  He’s the main villain on the show! On a scale from Alliser Thorne to Jon Snow on likeliness to die, he’s about a Littlefinger.
  8. Best thing Ramsay has going for him is he’s literally the only character Ramsay probably won’t kill. And I can’t even rule that out.  He’s just so damn unpredictable.
  9. I like to imagine a world where Littlefinger and Bronn are together traveling around, and they just keep bumping into lost characters like Osha, Nymeria, and Gendry.  Actually just Gendry.  Where the fuck is Gendry?
  10. JUST SHOW ME A FLIPPED BOAT!  AT LEAST THAT’LL GIVE ME SOME CLOSURE!

That’s it for this week, here’s to a new Lord of Winterfell, soon to be new King of the Iron Islands, and happy returns to Jon Snow, the Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch…and our hearts.

For the Watchers: S6E1 The Red Woman

~ Sam Holt ~ Leave a comment

*Spoilers for S6E1*

The beginning of a season of Game of Thrones was predictably a tasting menu of an episode.  You get a nice nibble on something savory, then it’s on to the next thing.  Unless you’re Season 4, then you get a big fucking dessert at the end.  The episode was book ended by everyone’s favorite ominous stronghold, Castle Black.  The question on everyone’s mind was obvious:  was Jon Snow really dead?  And the answer is of course we still have no fucking idea.  Which was to be expected…not like they were gonna pop back to Castle Black and Jon Snow is just chilling eating an apple like “Damn, that was a doozy bit of exposition we just had there!”  But it has to happen soon to be believable, because the White Walkers still exist.  Jon Snow is probably just hours away from becoming the most attractive ice zombie this side of the Wall.  And if you’re a card carrying member of the Know Nothing Party, you better hope Melisandre pulls something out of her shockingly aged ass (more on that later).

In Essos, Daario and Jorah team up to become the latest duo of traveling companions in a show with a formidable history of traveling companions.  How will they stack up?  Well both suffer from being in the middle of nowhere and not being Tyrion, but they’ll probably be all right.  Especially with Jorah’s hawk eyes finding things like Dany’s tiny ring in huge ass field.  In the show’s defense, they hand wave it by showing that the horde circled her a bunch, leaving Jorah to only have to look in a relatively small patch, but it’s still impressive given that he had no idea anything was there and nobody cuts that grass to make it short.  Too bad his awareness doesn’t translate to realizing Dany wants none of his junk.

Rules are rules, off to the home you go.

Speaking of Dany, she found herself in the comedy club that is the Dothraki Horde.  Khal Drogo was such a wet blanket I never knew these guys could be entertaining!  I should’ve known from their weddings.  Also, super convenient that the guys known for basically only raping and pillaging have a super serious rule that khal’s widows are hands off.  The Dothraki somehow have the best bro code of the entire show!  They should teach Daario a thing or two.  Any way you slice it, Dany’s in a bit of a pickle, but she’s way better off than anticipated.  Which is good, cause I don’t want to (and shouldn’t have to) talk about that on this show anymore.

Meanwhile, in Dorne…

Ellaria:  That was a great season for us, we stood up for ourselves and caused the war we wanted all along.

Tyene:  Yeah, I bet we’re everyone’s new fav-

Obara: Everyone hates us.

Ellaria:  What?  But we murder people!

Obara:  Doesn’t matter.

Tyene:  I showed my tits!

Obara:  That they liked, but you almost killed, like, the funniest character on the show.

Ellaria:  This is Doran’s fault.

Nymeria:  Yeah that milquetoast motherfucker has got to go.

Obara:  Or maybe it’s because we’re all acting rash with unrealistic expectations.  Not to mention book readers hate us because we’re not adapting the book’s beloved storyline, and show watchers hate us because we’re a distraction from the main plotlines.  We should just lay low and strike when the opportunity presents itself.

…

Ellaria:  I’m killing Doran.

Tyene: And I’m killing the huge dude with the poleaxe.

Obara: That’s Areo-

Tyene:  OH MY GOD NO ONE CARES!

Obara:  Fine, at least let me kill Trystane.

Angry Dorne Guy
TFW they’re spending time on Dorne not resurrecting Jon Snow.

The Sand Snakes began a revolution in this episode, which could be good news or bad news.  I liked Doran as a character, so it’s kinda sad, but the potential of an all out vengeful Dorne is pretty sweet.  I just hope they go radio dark until the perfect moment.  Like we don’t see or hear from them until they like stab Tommen or poison Mace Tyrell, or have another shitty fight scene with Zombie Mountain.  Also, props to Tystane for just the worst ring awareness of all time.  Enjoy being the shitty onion on the shish kabob.

Onto the North.  Man, what kinda Island of Misfit toys have we got here?  Like how the fuck are these four together?  They’re basically the four saddest living characters starting an emo cover band.  Let’s look back at what they were doing the first time all of them were in the same episode, Valar Morghulis, the Season 2 finale.  Sansa was still captive at King’s Landing, relieved to find out Joffrey would marry Margaery.  Brienne was still escorting a two-handed asshole Jaime Lannister across the continent.  Podrick barely even had lines yet!  Sure he killed the dude trying to kill Tyrion, but most likely if you hadn’t read the books you were like, “who’s this guy?”  And Reek was still proud penis-owner Theon Greyjoy, getting knocked out by his own people at Winterfell calling for the head of some asshole with a horn.  But where are they headed?  Seems like they have two choices, Castle Black (gulp) or go back to the Eyrie to Littlefinger.  You know, the guy that tried to have Brienne and Podrick killed.  Not looking good for BRPS, is it?

Some quick hits before the wrap up:

Look at how doting he is!
  1. Man, Arya has got the worst Mr. Miagi of all time.  90% chance she’s in Cobra Kai.
  2. Say what you want about Ramsay, he cares about his girlfriend and he’s a dog lover.  I don’t get why no one likes him.
  3. Thanks Cersei for putting the thought of my loved ones’ decaying faces in my head.  I’ll remember that at every applicable time in my life.  I’m super getting cremated.
  4. Margaery Tyrell is seriously in the worst spot.  She’s either getting a shame walk or getting freed by Cersei which probably means she’s getting a shame walk.  I don’t have another 15 minutes to spare on that, even if it is Natalie Dormer.
  5. Going back to BRPS (I’m pronouncing them “burps” in my head, and I hope you do too), can you imagine if they just brazenly go to Essos to find Arya, having no proof she’s there?  That would take Varys levels of foresight.  Hey, at least they also have a dude with no dick.
  6. Man, do I not give a shit what happens to Meereen.  I really hope Varys and Tyrion aren’t gonna stay- OH GODDAMMIT!
It took me so long to find a SFW picture of this scene, you have no idea.

And now, back to the titular Red Woman.  Speaking of titular, I’m going out on a limb and saying Carice Van Houten has it in her contract that she needs to get naked once a season.  But granted, when she does, plot fucking happens.  She’s either having a demon baby or revealing she’s like 400 years old.  I thought the ending was a little underwhelming.  The reveal is cool but not earth-shattering, and it’s hard to be floored by that when everyone and their direwolf is expecting her to resurrect the dude from Pompei.  Sure she doubts the Red God.  You know what?  I’m starting to have doubts too.  Doubting that my investment in Jon Snow for five goddamn years (okay, I called him a whiny bitch for three, but two solid years!) is going to pay off in the form of icy fire justice for all his foes.  Kill Ned, fine.  Kill Robb, good he was boring anyway.  Kill Jon Snow, and all I’m cheering for a blind girl to come to Westeros and annihilate all her foes ninja style.  …Actually that sounds dope, do what you want!

Look forward next week to the thrills of Jaime’s vengeance, the deviousness of Ramsay’s plotting, and the indifference of whatever Bran has been up to.

 

 

For The Watchers: Game of Thrones Season 6 Preview

~ Sam Holt ~ Leave a comment

*Spoilers through the end of Season 5*

Lots has happened since the end of Game of Thrones Season 5.  Donald Trump could be our next president.  Peyton Manning retired.  And I finished the A Song of Ice and Fire series.  Finishing the books added new perspective (and allowed me to relive all the depression all over again), but it’s interesting just how blind both book readers and non-book viewers are going into this season.  There are roughly 2 or 3 potential plots that seem to be coming to fruition for the next season that book readers could have a leg up on.  But even then, last season proved that the TV show is basically its own entity at this point, so the time for book spoilers is basically over.  It’s a glorious new day where TV viewers can be freed of the smarmy book readers spoiling everything and look forward to all their favorite characters dying sad, horrible deaths.

The anxiety of your favorite characters surviving (nevermind succeeding) is real in the late seasons.  So how will the top players perform this year?  Here are my predictions (book spoiler free):

Daenerys Targaryen

Open the fighting pits they said…it’ll be fun they said…

It’s a rough time to be a queen, and none more obvious than the Mother of Dragons.  Episode 9 ended with the collective viewership hoping Drogon would finally get her to land on the shores of Westeros, hopes that were summarily dashed when she ended up back in the hands of the Dothraki.  And without Aquaman backing her up, that is not an ideal situation.  In the pro column, she’s got Sir Friend Zone and Mr. Steal Your Girl combing the desert for her.  On the down side, she might be horse food by the time they find her.  But there’s no way Dany won’t make it to Westeros at some point, right?  Main characters always live to reach their goals, right?  Right? …Right?

Prediction: Dany finally makes it to Westeros…alone.

Tyrion Lannister

From the looks of it, they’re gazing upon the predictable outcome of this season.  

Varys and Tyrion are back, baby!  And they’re running roughshod all over Meereen!  I doubt Tyrion’s good fortune will last long because this is Game of Thrones, but Tyrion seems like he’s in a relatively good space, just a city at the brink of Civil War with half of the Queen’s Court gone.  But the human one liner machine always finds a way to survive.  But that doesn’t necessarily mean Meereen survives with him.

Prediction: Tyrion barely escapes Meereen as it is overthrown and burned to the ground.

Jon Snow

He dead.

Prediction: Just kidding Melisandre saves him and he’s a total vengeful asshole now.

Jaime Lannister

I told you I don’t like the pixie cut!

Remember when this shithead was killing Starks left and right and you were like “CUT HIS FUCKING HEAD OFF!” and now you’re like “YEAH GET ‘EM JAIME GET ‘EM!”?  Just a perfect redemption story.  Jaime has a tall task ahead of him to win back control of King’s Landing and to stick it to the Martell’s.  He’s gonna need a hand, but Jaime should be able to bring him back into the arms of the woman he loves.  Gross.

Prediction: Jaime takes back King’s Landing, but ends the season in a tight spot.

Bran Stark

Oops, Bran’s like 30 now.

Oh this fucking asshole again?  Listen, I’ve gotten flack for this, but I don’t really like Bran.  He’s just a turd out there.  But it looks like business has finally picked up for him.  But he’s also at the front lines of the Night War, and if he doesn’t learn to fly soon, he’s going to end up like basically every other male Stark.

Prediction: Bran flies by the end of the season, leading to foreshadowing of him controlling a dragon.

 

Sansa Stark

Sansa, what is your purpose now?  Can you like go find Gendry?  He’s more interesting than you!  Go find Gendry!

Dude, I have no idea.  This chick could have broken legs and be recaptured by the Boltons in minutes.  She could team up with Theon and lead the Wildlings into battle.  And basically everything in between.  The only thing I’m confident about is that Brienne won’t find her.

Prediction: She’ll end up back with Littlefinger cause he probably put a medieval tracking device on her.

Arya Stark

Who?

Prediction: She finally becomes no one.

Cersei Lannister

I’d cry too if Qyburn touched me.

Everyone’s least favorite alcoholic finally got kinda what was coming to her...but at the expense of like 15 minutes of our lives.  Cersei has an uphill battle, but the peaks and valleys of Game of Thrones seem to signal an upswing coming…but this is Game of Thrones, which is why I predict probably my most bold prediction so far:

Prediciton:  Cersei dies in the season finale at the hands of her brother…Jaime.

Speaking of those dying, how about a quick lightning round of some other characters I expect to live or die in the upcoming season! (I will omit people that have died in the books from plots yet to be told, all people listed are either still alive in the books, died way earlier, or were created for the TV show).

Live: Samwell Tarly

Samwell Tarly perfectly summed up by Louise.

This sack of shit doesn’t do enough to get himself into any real danger.  Look, I love Sam as much as the next guy, but without Jon Snow, I fear he’s going to be dangerously boring if actively involved in the new season.  Here’s hoping that the new characters attached to his story brighten up his teachings at the Citadel.

Die: Alliser Thorne

If we are entertaining the idea that Jon Snow will rise from the dead (which will probably happen either at the end of the first episode or at the end of the season), Sir Alliser is probably going to be number 1 on his shit list.  And I’m not sure if you know this, but motherfucker killed a white walker and like literally 200 other dudes on this show already.

Live: Ramsay Bolton

Die: Tommen Baratheon

This isn’t bold.  That surprisingly attractive witch doctor at the beginning of last season basically told young Cersei all her kids were taking dirt naps before her.  Batter up.

Live: Gendry

But only cause he won’t be in the season.  Just keep swimming.

Die: A shit ton of religious folks in King’s Landing

The Mountain: Basically Medieval Jason Vorhees

It’s been a good run for the Faith, but yeah, Zombie Mountain looks pissed.  If he can even be pissed.  Is he like a weird robot?  Really doesn’t matter, wouldn’t wanna be in the same area code as that thing.

Live: Theon Greyjoy

Rumors persist of a large Greyjoy presence in this season, and it would be really awkward to have all these new Greyjoy’s running around without a busted ass Theon to run into.  I’m guessing he guts it out and limps his way into Season 7.

Die: Brienne of Tarth

Brienne has had a great run.  She protected Renly until he got killed, assisted Catelyn Stark in delivering the most valuable prisoner back to the enemy for no benefit.  She straight up couldn’t “save” Arya or Sansa with an opportunity for both.  And she ambiguously killed her, um, arch nemesis?  I guess?  Moral of the story is, if you’ve done everything you’re supposed to do, you’re now useless. Byeeeeeee.

Live: Margaery Tyrell

My next post might just be the 9 other pictures of Natalie Dormer I wanted to use here.

This one is probably just wishful thinking.  Actually it’s all wishful thinking.  Please, don’t kill Natalie Dormer.

Die: Loras Tyrell

….But you can totally kill her brother.  I really don’t give a shit.

Live: Varys and Littlefinger

These guys are never dying.  A fucking white walker riding a dragon could challenge them to a trial by combat and they’d still find a way to survive.  I think they can swindle their way into Season 7.  LOCK IT UP!

Die: Jorah Mormont

Greyscale is like a cross between the plague, a zombie infection, and rocks.  But look on the bright side, instead of being a whiny bitch, at least he’ll finally get some thick skin!

Live: Podrick Payne

Listen guys, they can’t kill him.  The women of the Seven Kingdoms will not let him die.  He has way too much love to give.  And let’s not forget, he’s got the best sword in Westeros.

Die: Hodor

But the other lovable lump will not be so lucky.  Hodor is one of the most adorable, innocent, and enjoyable character in the Game of Thrones universe.  And his death will spurn Bran Stark to a crusade against his enemies.  Or he’ll just continue being a turd.

Can’t wait for Sunday!  Here’s to a season of excitement, despair, and many Tyrion and Varys conversations!