For the Watchers: Season 7 Episode 3 “The Queen’s Justice”

~ Sam Holt ~ Leave a comment

Jon Tyrion

*You already know I’m gonna spoil everything*

Story arcs are named traditionally due to rising and falling action.  The levels of intensity build until a climax, at which point everything dies down.  However, the term could easily be mistaken within a long form storytelling standpoint to mean the ups and downs a character or faction face during the story.  Such is life on Game of Thrones.  Last week, for 45 minutes or so, everything looked peachy.  Dany had all the strength in the world, Jon Snow had just found out about the dragon glass on Dragonstone, and hundreds of years of there being no cure for advanced Greyscale were wiped out by Sam having the bright idea to use gloves while removing it.  But this being Game of Thrones meant everything was going to go downhill.  Sure enough, just about every ally Dany has is now dead, captured, or trapped.  And she can’t use her dragons because that would end the show early it’s too dangerous for her to go into battle.  On the bright side, this means some good things should start happening!  Like Jon getting new weapons for his army, Theon redeeming himself, and Arya finally finding someone that loves her that doesn’t die or run away from her immediately.

WingDavos
“I saw his dick once.  Had a nice girth.”

Speaking of Jon and Dany, they met each other for the first time in the series this week.  This is significant for many factors, but obviously the most important one is to determine whether or not they bang.  It’s weird cheering for an aunt and nephew to hook up, but that’s what a lot of people are doing right now.  Frankly, it would be pretty pedestrian for this show.  And let’s face it, it’s not like Jon Snow is off to a good start.  He made three critical errors right off the bat.  First, bringing Davos as a wingman did not work out.  Dude makes Bran look suave.  Second, he spoke way too long about zombies.  Believe me, I’ve been there.  Talking about what you would do during a zombie apocalypse when first meeting a girl is not the way to go.  Third, he refused to get on his knees for her.  That’s just not the Jon Snow I know.  The one I know seems to know a thing or two about getting his knees.

Meanwhile, in Winterfell…

Sansa:  Bran!  I’m so happy to have you back!

Bran:  I am not Bran.

Sansa:  Uh, what?

Bran:  I’m the Three Eyed Raven.

Sansa:  Bran, I know you had a lot of messed up shit happen to you, but you don’t need to make yourself into some fake emo persona.

Bran:  I can see everything.

Sansa:  Like what?

Bran:  I saw your wedding…

Sansa:  Uh….

Bran:  And your wedding night…

*Sansa makes that face you make when you drink tequila*

Bran:  That was pretty messed up.

Sansa:  YEAH THANKS FOR REMINDING ME YOU LITTLE SHIT

Bran:  You looked pretty.

Sansa:  OH MY GOD FUCK RIGHT OFF YOU SOFT DICK PSYCHO

Bran:  I’m sorry that happened to you.

Sansa:  Why don’t you just tell me what’s happening so we can be safe?!

Bran:  Why bother?  It has to happen anyway.

Sansa:  No it doesn’t!  Just tell me what’s going to happen!  Will the Night King come?  Is Littlefinger going to kidnap me?  Do Brienne and Tormund ever get together?

Bran:  I don’t know.

Sansa:  Why not?

Bran:  No one understands me.

Sansa:  I’m done.  Enjoy your bullshit face tree.

*Sansa leaves*

Bran:  Oh and Jon’s a Targaryen.

Olenna
“I’d ask for you to lend me a hand, but then you couldn’t jerk off.”

Quickly, a farewell to one of my favorite characters.  No, not Tyene Sand’s tits (RIP)!  Olenna Tyrell was one of the best people to pop up in a scene.  Anytime she was on camera, I always got jacked up.  Probably the only character that could absolutely guarantee that a good line was coming.  Forever throwing shade and crushing one-liners, Olenna went out like everyone would’ve expected, getting the last line and the last laugh.  Thank you Olenna.  You always hated everyone the most.

Quick Hits:

1) Davos might not be a great wingman, but he can still spit game at Missandei.  Then again, he’s losing out there to a dude with no dick, so maybe that’s not a W.

2) So Sam wanted a reward for saving Jorah.  I’d say rewriting some books is a huge reward when you were cleaning up shit and cutting flesh off a leper.

3) Melisandre: You’re going to die in Westeros.
Varys:  *running away* DANY!  THEY MADE PEOPLE SLAVES AGAIN I GOTTA LEAVE THE CONTINENT RIGHT NOW!

4) I like to think that Bran isn’t devoid of social skills, but instead his actor is just got so fed up with how bad his character was, he refused to act this season.

5) Jon Snow:  “She eying me like White Walkers don’t exist./Girl, I know you want this di-“

6) I don’t know why Cersei doesn’t want to marry Euron right now.  Dude can evidently be anywhere just about instantly.

7) Dany:  Do you believe the White Walkers are real?
Tyrion:  I trust him.
Dany:  And did Davos say he took a knife in the heart?
Tyrion:  Well, he’s obviously lying, that’s crazy.

8) Jaime: I figured we poison you.
Olenna:  Oh cool.  I was gonna go out like Tommen, but might as well go out like your other two kids.

That’s all for this week, hopefully we can look forward to some happier times ahead, but knowing this show they’ll probably just kill Bronn and look at the camera and yell “Fuck you.”  Enjoy your week until then!

For the Watchers: Season 7 Episode 2 “Stormborn”

~ Sam Holt ~ Leave a comment

got_7-2_stormborn

*Spoilers for this episode of Game of Thrones*

Eury
Look at me!  I’m fucking crazy!  Right?  You get that?  Do I need to flay something?

With the condensed seven episode season, I was anticipating more action to come hard and fast.  And it certainly did.  We had our first “named” deaths of the season.  I put name in quotes because I bet over half of the viewers don’t know their real names.  Honestly, most will probably just refer to them as the two Sand Snakes that didn’t almost kill Bronn with the lethal combination of poison and making him get a boner.  But it was interesting that they were killed by Euron.  Considering there are very few named characters remaining, and even fewer with fighting prowess, taking out two just to make Euron look good speaks volumes.  Now, if Theon manages to kill him (instead of audtioning for the Greyjoy Diving Team), it’ll be an accomplishment.  Now it just depends on how sadistic and hated they can make Euron, who’s actor boasted he was going to make Ramsay look like “a little kid.”  Yeah…let’s hope he doesn’t have the chance to make good on that prediction.

Jroah
Oh god stop stop stop!  Go back to the poop montage!

Speaking of Ramsay, Samwell Tarly decided he’d up the ante on last week’s gross montage and just start flaying a puss infused leper!  At this point, I’m not invested enough in Jorah living for me to have to watch this diabolical shit.  Like, I get a paper cut at work and it just about ruins my day; this guy is getting infected flesh methodically flayed from his body.  And, not to mention, they did their best to ruin pies!  I see that transition, you dickbags!  Don’t you dare make me think about gobs of infected flesh while I munch down on a nice savory meat- I can’t fucking do this, I’m gagging already, let’s just do the fucking dialogue bit…

Meanwhile, in King’s Landing…

Cersei:  Dany is gonna straight murder everyone

Sam’s Dad:  Yeah, cool, but like, how do you propose we deal with her?

Cersei:  Duh, kill her.

Sam’s Dad:  But she has 3 dragons!

Qyburn:  I think I can be of some assistance…

Sam’s Dad:  You can kill dragons?

Qyburn:  Oh yes, you see, back when Aegon the conqueror took over Westeros, technology was very primitive.  These days we have many more masterpieces in the art of War.

Sam’s Dad:  Well, what do you suggest?  It’s not like we can just use a Ballista on a dragon!

Qyburn:  …A what?

Sam’s Dad:  A ballista.  You know, giant crossbow.  It’s for stationary targets, and it takes FOREVER to load and aim properly.  So what dark magic do you have in store for us?

*Pan out to see a large skeleton dragon head impaled on a bolt with what is clearly a Ballista under a sheet next to Qyburn*

Qyburn:  Well, we got that one dude that lit an entire BAY on fire with one arrow…

Moving on, Sansa’s finally getting a chance to rule (well, like kinda rule…more govern in absensia).  And I have to say, I’m very interested in seeing how Littlefinger pulls this off.  Like, dude should have no outs.  Game of Thrones has gone out of its way to make Sansa seem like a capable (though rash) leader.  It’s a bad look to make Littlefinger manipulate her into doing his bidding.  But, I mean did you see how happy he was when Jon said Sansa was in charge?  Dude looked like he opened up his lunchbox and found a Lunchables.  I can’t imagine this will go well, but when Tyrion told Dany she didn’t want to “rule the ashes”, it echoed a much more harrowing description of Littlefinger earlier in the series:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cFZen-XO5II&t=3m10s

Get your popcorn ready…it’s gonna be wild one.

Quick Hits:

1) “Nymeria!  Remember me!  It’s your good friend Arya!  You know, the one you last saw six years ago that was hurling large stones at your face!  We’re best friends!”

Nym
Sorry, Nymeria isn’t here right now.  Please leave your name and favorite rock you broke my heart with after the beep.

2) While overshadowed by the pie transition, I was a huge fan of the hard transition between Missandei reaching orgasm into Sam getting a book.

3) For someone who very much wants to convince the people of Westeros to love her, Dany threatens to light an awful lot of people on fire…

4) Speaking of lighting people on fire, I can’t wait for Jon and Davos to get to Dany and Melisandre opens the door for them and they’re just like “Oh for fuck’s sake”

5) Littlefinger:  I wanted to fuck your dead fake mom almost as much as I want to fuck your sister.
Jon: *chokes Littlefinger*
Littlefinger:  Was it something I said?

6) I also like to picture a Game of Thrones afterlife where the Sand Snakes stumble in one after another while Doran just uncontrollably laughs and Oberyn is just angrily paying him out in afterlife bucks.

7) Fun fact, the kid playing Randyll’s son and Sam’s brother is the guy who played Billy Bones on Black Sails.  I don’t have a joke for this, you should just really fucking watch Black Sails if you like Game of Thrones.

8) I need a Theon jumping out of the boat Shooting Stars meme and I need it yesteraday.  (If you’re unaware of this meme, here’s my favorite so far.)

9) For what it’s worth, I like Sam’s style.  Everyone else would’ve offered Jorah Milk of the Poppy.  Not Sam.  Just tells him to chug rum and takes a swig himself right before surgery.  Put that kid in, he’s ready for the big leagues.

10) Good to see Hot Pie back to his awkward self.  He’s like if Dustin from Stranger Things grew up and got teleported to Westeros and just had to make the best of it.

11) Davos: Jon, a raven from Dragonstone…
Jon:  What’s it say?
Davos:  “Jon, it’s ya boy Tyrion, remember when I pissed off the Wall?  LOL.  Good times.  Anyway, Dragon Queen wants you.  Fire emoji, fire emoji, fire emoji.”
Jon:  Yes, that’s definitely him, let us leave at once.

That’s it for this week, tune in next week when I’m guessing Sam will probably perform literally the only thing that would make me cringe harder:  a tracheotomy while listening to country music.

For the Watchers: Season 7 Episode 1

~ Sam Holt ~ Leave a comment

game-thrones-7x01-dragonstone

*Spoilers for Game of Thrones S7E1*

Game of Thrones doesn’t have a lot of cold opens.  Up until last night, they’ve only had 5.  The last one was the reveal of the Hound’s return, which was a pretty big fucking deal.  So, my first reaction to there being a cold open last night was pretty hype.  Until I saw Walder Frey.  Then I was confused.  Then, before he uttered a word, I got really, really excited.  This right here is the exact reason why Arya Stark is probably the best character on Game of Thrones right now.  She just drops 50 jabronies outta nowhere and it’s on to Cincinnati.   Or, more accurately, on to King’s Landing.  Man would I hate to be some two-bit character in King’s Landing right now.  Keep your eyes on Qyburn, folks.

HBOs-Game-of-Thrones-Season-7-Episode-1-Dragonstone-Bella-Ramsey-as-Lyanna-Mormont
Still #1 on the ball busting scoreboard

In the North, Jon and Sansa begin to figure out how to best consume the shit sandwich that is being them stuck between the White Walkers and King’s Landing.  Jon’s going about normal Stark dumbass shit, while Sansa is taking a note from Lyanna Mormont and proceeding to run out of fucks to give.  Like she was telling Jon to toss two kids out into the cold of winter.  TO THEIR FACES!  Straight ruthless.  And I loved her calling out Jon for needing to be smarter than Ned and Robb.  It was fantastic.  I don’t have a joke for it or anything, it’s just great to hear the show acknowledge that the Starks are super dumb.  And Sansa cutting off Littlefinger?  Oh man, she was en fuego in this episode.  And somehow still second place to Lyanna Mormont, who got right back to calling out every mother fucker that has the audacity to believe a little girl can’t inhabit your nightmares.

Meanwhile, At the Wall…

Edd:  Right, so you guys are Wildlings, then?

Meera:  Nope, I’m Meera Reed.  I’m from the North, and this is Bran Stark.

Edd:  How do I know you’re Bran Stark?

Bran:  You were at the Fist of the First Men…

Edd:  Yeah, sure okay, but that doesn’t mean-

Bran:  …and you were at Hardhome…

Edd:  Okay, we get it, you’re creepy, but how-

Bran:  …you’ve seen the Night King…

Edd:  Yup, scary dude, now please tell me how-

Bran:  …you’ve seen the army of the dead, you know what we’re up against.

Edd:  HOW DOES ANY OF THIS PROVE YOU’RE JON’S BROTHER YOU LITTLE SHIT

got7.1sam
That right there is the look of a man with PTSD.  Post Traumatic Shit Disorder.

Have to admit, I wasn’t expecting to see Sam in the premiere.  He just didn’t seem like someone who they’d care about enough to hit right away.  Though it seems like they don’t give a shit about his actor, since he got the worst end of a dookie montage.  I think they had too much fun filming those or they spent too much money on prop dookies, cause it went on a while.  I’d also guess there’s a 30% chance the director for-real shit into one of those chamber pots just to be a dick.  I guess they didn’t have many other options, since everyone is kinda together now, but there must’ve been something better than watching Sam clean up literal shit for five minutes.  How about Yara and her men telling Theon their best dick jokes?  Or the Sand Snakes having a fashion show with judge Olenna just eviscerating them at every turn?  Or Hot Pie just talking Gendry’s ear off while they both make pies?  Nah, more dookies?  Okay, nevermind.

euron
Guys, its me!  Uncle Euron!  I’m here to fuck all your shit up and bust chops!

Quick Hits:

  1. Hey Jorah, how about keeping your extremely contagious arms inside the aircraft, huh?  When I get the flu, I don’t go around hocking loogies at people.
  2. I was thinking Arya would’ve killed those Lannister guys, but I would’ve been distracted by Ed Sheeran singing to me too.
  3. Where was this fun Uncle Euron before?  I’m used to the Euron that kills forgotten characters and wastes my time at critical parts of the season; not the one cracking wise at Jaime Lannister.  I like him!  It’ll be great to watch him die horribly in two weeks or so!
  4. Was I the only one that kept looking for the Wall in the fire?  Like they kept doing close ups and it felt like I was fucking up a Magic-Eye.
  5. Archmaester:  “The Wall has stood for thousands of years, it’s not going down now!”
    *cut to the Wall*
    White Walker:  “Uh sir, you’re not gonna like this…”
    Night King: “What is it?”
    White Walker:  “It seems that huge ice wall is still here…”
    Night King: “WHAT? STILL?  Ugh fine, everybody pack up, we gotta wait another thousand years…”
  6. I’d love a road trip between Podrick and Tormund where they give each other sword fighting advice.  You get me.
  7. I was honestly wondering when Jim Broadbent was gonna wind up in Game of Thrones, because it seems like the longer a British series goes on, the more likely it is that he’ll inevitably show up.  And somehow, he’s always telling people to stay out of restricted areas of libraries.
  8. Dany:  “Shall we begin?”
    Tyrion:  “Uh yeah, there’s three dead babies in jars in your room…should we just like toss them out?”

    JarBaby
    Seriously…not the best mood setter.

That’s all I got, tune in next week where hopefully we get Dany starting her invasion and no more of Sam literally cleaning up shit!

For the Watchers: Season 7 Predictions

~ Sam Holt ~ Leave a comment

promo319951871

And welcome back to this load of bullshit!  First off, thanks to everyone that read and shared this blog last year, I got my best numbers yet!  I’m excited to delve back into to the show that crushes everyone’s dreams.  We’ve got a lot to tackle, but before we get started, allow me to just toss a necessary spoiler warning on here for everything up to season 6, in case someone’s a goddamn idiot.  Seriously, think of the stupidest person you know.  No, besides me.  That guy might read this.  I promise it’ll only take up one line, see look at it go:

*Spoilers for Game of Thrones up to the end of Season 6*

There we are, relatively painless, right?  Okay, we’ve gotten to the point where everything is coming to a head.  It seems to me this season will mostly be about everyone fucking up King’s Landing, and then whoever is left has to fight the White Walkers next season.  Think of it as an elaborate number one contender’s match, with some of the most beautiful humans on the planet and CGI dragons.  Each major characters will be speculated on, guessing how likely they are to be king or queen at the end of this season, and how likely they are to get GoT be killed.  So let’s start with the heavy-lying crown:

Cersei Lannister

Cersei
Maybe the chair will just stab her.
Oh lawdy lawdy this chick took her own quote way too seriously.  After fucking massacring everyone from mortal enemies and meddlesome threats to innocent townsfolk and actual peacocks, she’s less painted a target on her back, and more so tattooed it on with an oversized neon sign pointing it out.  I’m not gonna waste time, this girl is dead.  D-E-D dead.  It’s just a matter of who does the killing.  Could be Dany, Arya, Jon Snow, herself, or even a fucking dragon.  But, I still suspect it’ll be Jaime.  I mean, Jaime already stabbed a king for threatening to blow up King’s Landing with wildfire, and motherfucker over here already DID that.  She’s basically a teen having sex in a horror movie.  Not a question of if, just when.

Daenerys Targaryen

Holy shit finally, we can kiss Essos goodbye and everything is finally happening in Westeros.  We hope.  Can’t rule out that episode one she doesn’t pull some shit like stopping in Braavos to fuel up or following Gendry in a rowboat and getting lost for 3 seasons.  Seriously, instead of those self-serving post-episode interviews where the creators pontificate about how the characters FEEL, they should just be filled with fan service fake scenes like Dany finding a sunburt Gendry still rowing or the ghost of every Stark giving Sansa terrible advice.

Anyway, she’s the smart bet for the crown.  As long as she doesn’t do something dumb like fall in love with Jon Snow and we find out bad decisions are sexually transmittable in Westeros.

Jon Snow

jon-snow-battle
Remember when this boy was just a whole mess of mope?  Now he’s doing Braveheart cosplay but with blood.
The bad-ass bastard has his hands full and isn’t in a terribly enviable situation.  He has the White Walkers to his North, heavily solidified King’s Landing to his south, and he just usurped his own sister from potential power…a sister that has previously gotten pissed for being overlooked and has the most manipulative dickhole in the Seven Kingdoms in her ear.  But on the plus side, he’s gorgeous, he’s got dragon blood, and aunt Dany’s coming to town and I heard the Targaryen’s love incest.  It’s also unlikely he’ll die, considering him dying the first time felt like the archery contest in Robin Hood and Men in Tights.

Tyrion Lannister

Tyrion’s in a weird position where pretty much everything is spelled out for him as long as Dany takes the throne.  If Cersei dies, pretty much every other faction has some warmth for him, provided he can convince them he’s not a traditional Lannister.  Hell, even Sansa probably doesn’t fully hate him, especially considering she went from forcibly marrying him to- nevermind moving on.  He’s not going to be king, but he’s also not going to die…and there’s a very poplar endgame theory for him that if it comes to fruition would be super cool.  (That link is all speculation, but if you wanna not hear theories at all, don’t click it.)

Arya Stark

game-of-thrones-season-7-cast
You see 4 unique characters, I see 4 potential Aryas.
Low key the greatest part of this season is that literally anybody could just be fucking Arya.  Be extremely wary of any new characters.  Jaime got a new squire?  Probably Arya.  Bronn about to fuck a biddy?  Arya.  The Mountain all of a sudden is like 4’8?  Fucking Arya.  How fucking great would it be if like Dany was about to kill Cersei and SHE PULLS HER FUCKING FACE OFF!

Jaime Lannister

Man, I just really hope this season isn’t just like 7 weeks of Jaime being like Olly in Season 5 saying shit like “you can’t REALLY wanna burn everyone alive, right?”  But then again, if it ends the same way, I wouldn’t mind.  Minus the resurrection.  She can stay dead.  After that, who knows.  I mean, on one hand, he may survive

Bran Stark

Shit man, I don’t care.  Go have fun with your ice zombies, just give me one more season before you ruin everything.

Brienne of Tarth

Brienne’s location is actually basically unknown.  It’s likely she’ll link up with the Brotherhood and the Hound which would be a dope reunion after Brienne almost killed him.  I thought Brienne would die last season but now, I’m not so sure.  It seems likely she’ll be a force in some regard and all of her potential partnerships with whoever wins (being Queensgaurd for Dany, reuniting with Jaime, or even actually saving Sansa Stark for once) seem too good to just pass on.

Theon Greyjoy

Remember when there was a last ditch effort to make the Greyjoys matter last season?  Remember how everyone was confused and no one seemed to know why they were doing it?  Hell I give more of a shit what the Sand Snakes are doing cause they’re partnered with Varys!  That’s a dickless dude I can get behind!  Get this sad sack of shit outta here, call me when he does something interesting.

Sansa Stark

pri_37065505
Yeah sure, trust the guy that threw his wife out a moon door.  That seems like a great idea.
I’m very curious what they do with Sansa.  She’s cheesed off.  She wants to be a Queen.  She thinks she deserves to lead.  And instead her bastard brother is taking all her glory.  There has never seemed to be an evil bone in Sansa’s body (except for NOPE NOPE MOVING ON), and if they tease Littlefinger turning her to the dark side, it’ll make for a compelling subplot.  But that would mean the unthinkable.  A Stark actually makes a cunning decision that leads to their own achievement.

 

Hope everyone enjoys the show Sunday.  Hope it’s full of action, surprises, and maybe, if we’re really really lucky, some fucking Gendry.

Way Too Late: Stranger Things

~ Sam Holt ~ Leave a comment

Image result for stranger things

I finished Stranger Things this week a month ago (yeah…I suck), which was a bit outside of social consciousness.  Most most people binged it in July, and at worst early August.  Hell, if you watched it weekly you were done by September.  The point is, I finished it and had a few thoughts and figured I’d jot them down for old times’ sake.  I’ve been getting a lot of feedback since my last post.  People have been saying things like “hey, haven’t seen a blog in a while, I miss it” and “what did you think about this TV show?” and “eat a dick, dipshit.”  To be fair, that last one is mostly little kids I’m playing video games with, but still.  Feedback is feedback, and I’m here to deliver the goods!  So here we go.  First off, let’s get to the *fire emoji* *fire emoji* *fire emoji* takes:

Related image
Proof:  Dustin clearly is not racing yet.  No one has said go, Dustin is still blissfully ignorant to what is happening to him.  Will Byers quite frankly deserved what he got.

1) Will Byers deserved what he got.

Will Byers is a piece of shit.  First off, rookie move tossing the dice on the ground…but that’s fine, we’ll let that slide.  Then you start snitchin’.  Not cool, but okay, you’re a child, you don’t know about the code of the streets yet.  Then you proceed to cheat to beat a disabled kid in a bike race and then claim his best comic as your reward.  Have fun in the Upside Down you bowl cut bastard.

2) Barb had a bad time.

Speaking of the Upside Down…let’s talk about Barb.  Let’s do a quick recap on how Steve, Nancy, and Barb are all feeling across the beginning of the season:

Steve: Yeah, my new girlfriend is super hot, wish she’d bang me.  All right!  She banged me!  Ugh, but she’s such a bitch sometimes.  Fucking slut.

Nancy:  I hope Steve likes me…he does!  But oh man, where’s Barb?  Can the creepy kid help me find Barb? Ugh, Steve is such a dick.

Barb:  Hey Nancy, are you and Steve- OH GOD!  OH NO NOT THAT!  DON’T PUT THAT DOWN MY- *muffled screaming*

So the next time your boyfriend or girlfriend is pissing you off, remember:  You could be being choked to death by the tentacle of an inter-dimensional mutant.

3) Anyone who thought Nancy should be with Jonathan is an idiot.

Speaking of Steve and Nancy, I’m glad that they end up together.  Sure they were playing up the Nancy and Jonathan dynamic, but let’s be real.  All Nancy knows about Jonathan is he’s an awkward outcast that stalked her and took provocative pictures of her, all while looking like a young Ike Barinholtz.  Steve’s the scumbag with the heart of gold you read about.  Game over Jonathan.

4) Dustin is the shit!

I don’t really have any jokes to tell here…just that if I have a son, the chances of him being called Dustin just went up 220%.

nicole-stranger-things
You want a red head for your Upside Down sacrifice?  This is the one you should’ve picked!

5) Random Red Headed girl is a total jackass

I’ll forgive you for forgetting who this is…especially since no one has seen this show in like 3 months.  But this girl had two scenes.  The first was when she caught Jonathan developing creepy photos of Nancy, and then tattled to douchebag Steve.  The second is when she is when she is spray painting “Nancy is a slut” in the alley and then being a completely unwarranted hole to Nancy and Jonathan.  So you send Barb to an eternal hell hole for being an uncool third wheel, but little miss tattle tale gets nothing but front row tickets to Steve’s beatdown and no consequences whatsoever?  Horseshit.  However, turns out she’s the only one…

6) If you snitch in this show, you get worse than stitches.

Let’s run down the list of snitches (besides that red headed piece of dog shit):

Will Byers – snitched about dying in D&D

Consequence:  Spent basically the entire season in the Upside Down…and still suffers from hallucinations.

Charlie the Diner Owner – snitched about finding Eleven

Consequence:  Fed a bullet to the back of his skull.

Troy the bully – snitched about Eleven breaking his arm

Consequence: Unknowingly saves the entire group he despises by putting Hopper onto their trail.

Okay, so maybe that last one isn’t that bad, but he already broke his arm!  That’s just a preemptive stitch to an inevitable snitch.

Image result for barb stranger things
I bet if Nancy went missing, y’all would bring in the National Guard…

7) HEY GUYS BARB IS MISSING

Seriously doesn’t anyone give a shit about Barb?  Her mom’s just like “oh she’s probably at the library studying, classic Barb!”  No dude, your child is straight up gone.  But that little turd Will Byers has got an entire platoon searching the woods for him.  World hates gingers, just saying.

8)  The Government just lets them go!

Agent:  That’s it Hopper, your toast!  Tell me what you know!

Hopper:  I know everything!

Agent:  Okay, now we’re gonna kill you!

Hopper:  Wait!  What if we go into the Upside Down for you!

Agent:  Aight, I’m listening.

Hopper:  And if we come out, we just forget this ever happened.

Agent:  Wait, so you think that the government, the same one that already killed an innocent man for meeting a child (a child that you currently possess), is just gonna let you live because you killed some monster?

Hopper:  Yes.

Agent:  Okay, cool, just making sure we’re on the same page, sounds good.  What sized inter-demnsional suit do you wear?

diner
…and then I auditioned for The Mountain in Game of Thrones, but I didn’t get the part, so I decided to open this diner.

 

 

9) Think of this show from other characters’ perspectives

Steve:  The time I banged Nancy and then she started banging some creeper after I found out he was a legit creeper.  Then I called her a slut, killed a inter-dimentional mutant, and now we’re going steady.

Mike and Nancy’s Dad:  The time I missed a bunch of programs because my TV is a piece of shit.

Charlie the Diner Owner:  The time I caught a mute kid trying to steal my cheeseburger and then I took care of her until

Troy the Bully:  The time I couldn’t stop from pissing myself, so I threatened to kill a kid unless another kid killed himself…then that kid flew, and a little girl broke my arm.

Barb:  The time Nancy didn’t- OH MY FUCKING GOD WHY WHY ME WHY NO PLEASE DON’T *muffled screams of torture*

 

10) The Ending

All things considered, I really like the show.  Especially the ending.  Rather than just go happily ever after, it’s clear that the Byers household (especially Will) are still in a world of hurt.  The Upside Down isn’t a done deal.  Maybe that’ll get explored more next year, along with exploring what happened to Eleven, what the real consequences were for Hopper, and maybe, juuuust maybe, if she’s really lucky, someone might actually give a shit about Barb.

Let’s Talk About Suicide Squad

~ Sam Holt ~ Leave a comment

I went to Suicide Squad on opening night.  A wide range of humans filled the AMC theater: nervous DC fans in silent prayer to the gods of their universe that this movie would be good, Harley Quinn cosplayers squeaking in anticipatory delight, and irresponsible parents with their tweaked out entitled offspring.  And after two hours of action, comedy, drama, and feelings, we all had come to the same conclusion:  we had certainly seen Suicide Squad.

Was the movie fantastic?  No, not really.  Is it worth seeing?  Sure, go nuts.  In fact, if you haven’t seen it, close this out now so you can experience it for yourself first.  Seriously I don’t care, I already have your page view for my ego; thanks for making up the 2% contribution to my traffic…unless you are that random person from the Philippines that fucking loves my Game of Thrones recaps…you should probably see somebody about that.  But this movie left me with a lot of thoughts.  It’s baffling in some sections and brilliant in others…and some of these I really want to address.  That, and I’m literally dying over here since Game of Thrones ended.  Seriously, somebody give me a Harry Potter TV show or something, it’s like the potato famine of bland content over here.  DON’T MAKE ME TALK ABOUT ANIMALS ANYMORE.  Anyway, this isn’t a review, just random observations and questions, with limited critiques.

*Spoilers for Suicide Squad follow*

1) The rewrites this movie endured are highly visible

I can just see DC executives watching Guardians of the Galaxy and just being like “SHIT, we need to do that!  Somebody get our Suicide Squad guy on the phone, we need this flick lousy with classic rock!  Just flooded with Foreigner and CCR!”  I’m just glad this movie didn’t come out 5 years ago or the entire thing would be dubstep instead of just like the most prominent song.  But it’s not just the soundtrack.  Tone turns on a dime.  Plot points, hell, entire characters (what up Katana) are just introduced and just kinda dropped there, like a kid drawing stick figures into a painting.  It just doesn’t seem whole.  But I’m not saying the movie is bad, plenty of good like…

2) Margot Robbie is good, y’all

For all the people who were expecting Margot Robbie to flop, well, she might not have hit it out of the park but she definitely got it over the wall.  You believe her as Harley, and it’s not like they try to hide her.  She’s pretty prominent.  And not just in the dialogue.  The movie is basically 30 minutes of Margot Robbie ass shots and 60 minutes of you wondering when the next Margot Robbie ass shot is gonna be.  She may not nail the voice dead on, but she probably couldn’t nail it anyway, so best not to go there.  Her voice was fine, completely acceptable, especially considering we lauded the last Batman franchise that basically let Christian Bale sound like a blender being muffled by an angry walrus with indigestion.

3) OH BOY! YOU SAID THE SECRET WORD!

This looks like someone I’d want to give complete control of my body to.

Rick Flag:  Okay, babe, me and you are gonna be fine.  Just whatever you do, don’t say-

June Moone:  Enchantress…

Rick Flag:  WHAT DID I JUST SAY

There’s literally no reason for Dr. Moone to say this other than the screenwriter looked at his page count and realized he had to start the plot at some point.  The first time she uses it, she’s has to be coaxed and comforted into doing it.  It’s clearly something she doesn’t enjoy doing at all.  But then she’s just sleeping, and oops, guess I said the one word that might end the entire world.  My bad!

4) And you thought Slipknot the band was irrelevant

Who is Slipknot you may be asking yourself?  He’s that Native American dude that gets his throat detonated when trying to escape.  Basically, he’s there to make the neck bombs a legitimate threat.  And you don’t wanna waste any high quality heroes on that, but c’mon man!  At least tease him by introducing him earlier instead of essentially just…

Deadshot:  Hey, who’s that guy?

Rick Flag:  It really doesn’t matter, he’ll be dead in 10 minutes anyway.

Deadshot:  Eff you man, I’m not your puppet.

Rick Flag:  We get it Will Smith, you’re supposed to be a bad guy.

Also, you’re getting a crew together that’s supposed to fight Superman and his like.  So don’t gather a crew that’s mostly underpowered humans.  Here’s a list of their attributes and contributions (we’ll start with the good):

Deadshot:  Best hitman in the world.  Definite asset.

El Diablo:  Can blow up anything when he feels like it.  Cool, so he’s like Human Torch meets the Hulk.  That’s a check mark.

Captain Boomerang:  Has boomerang.  Nope.

Yeah guys! He’s over there, you guys get him while I do probably nothing.

Harley Quinn:  Certifiably insane clown doctor that has one pistol and a hammer.  Not packing a lot of offense there, hard pass.  Side note:  Her boyfriend may disrupt plans cause he probably doesn’t like her being on a team designed to get her killed.  BUT WHO KNOWS WHAT THE JOKER THINKS HAHAHA (more on that later).

Slipknot:  Can totally climb anything with rope.  What a coincidence, Superman can climb anything too.  But, without rope and actually he can just fucking fly.

Katana:  She seems pretty good with that sword…could be viable as long as she was facing someone that couldn’t fly.  Or had armor.  Or bullets.

Killer Croc:  Crocodile man that is basically useless out of water, and even in the water he’s basically just a smart crocodile that’s occasionally sassy.  This doesn’t even make sense, which leads me to…

This is some real Hannibal Lecter shit at the beginning…too bad his biggest contribution to the team later is “wears robe”.

5) Killer Croc goes from ruthless monster to useless gangster

They largely ignored Killer Croc only to give him a gimmick halfway through the movie that he’s an African-American stereotype.  Like one of his main character defining moments (that admittedly I did chuckle at) was when given leverage to request something, he asks for BET.  That’s it.  He isn’t really given any key moments either, besides going underwater to bomb the Tree Branch Scorpion From Mortal Kombat Arm God by giving the bomb to some other dude so that dude can blow himself up.  That dude isn’t even in the Suicide Squad, and he does infinity percent more suicides than the entire Suicide Squad.

6) Boomerang leaves…but comes back (CAUSE GET IT?)

Remember when Rick Flag said they could leave, and Boomerang bolted out the door.  And then like the next scene he just randomly shows back up during the walk-towards-the-screen-#squadgoals montage?  He leaves and comes back…like a boomerang.  But why?  Frankly, even that doesn’t matter, just give him character, give him purpose.  Like, for god’s sake just give him a throwaway line.  Anything.  Ready, here you go:

Deadshot:  You came back?

Boomerang:  That’s what I do, mate.

Done!  At least you acknowledged it rather than awkwardly inserting him back in the fray.  Not to mention, he immediately whips out a boomerang reconnaissance device that mainly just alerts the bad guys to their presence.  Way to go, team.  But at least his contributions are working towards something, unlike probably the most glaring issue I have with the entire movie…

I’M DERANGED!  GIVE ME MY OSCAR GIVE IT GIVE IT GIVE IT HAHAHAHA MINE MINE MINE

7) JARED LETO’S CRAZY EDGY OSTRICH DICK WRAP MY EYES IN SINEW JOKER HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Hey Jared Leto:  stop.  Just stop.  You got your Oscar and thought I’m gonna outdo Heath Ledger’s Joker.  “I’m gonna mail my semen to my cast members and play Russian Roulette with a staple gun on my nut sack.”  This wasn’t what Lee Strasberg had in mind when he developed method acting.  You’re not Daniel Day-Lewis.  You’re the lead singer of a shitty rock band that I enjoy watching get beat up in Fight Club.  Your Joker made no sense.  The worst thing is, your response to that would probably be “Exactly!” but no, that’s wrong.  You didn’t add to the movie at all, and your scenes were a dumpster fire.  Go light children’s toys on fire while drinking straight Everclear like we’re supposed to assume you do.

8)  In conclusion, it’s still fun

I come across overly harsh, and there are certainly flaws in the movie.  But it was enjoyable.  Amanda Waller was a fantastic character, Will Smith and Margot Robbie did a great job, and it got me out of there in two hours unlike Batman v Superman.  And if it had only had one writer and one focus, it probably could’ve been great.  Which gives me hope for Wonder Woman.  Please, please for the sake of Gal Gadot, please let that movie be good.

A Business of Ferrets: Stupid Names for Groups of Stupid Animals

~ Sam Holt ~ Leave a comment

Animals are funny.  They’re cute and hilarious all at the same time.  You know, unless you’re getting murdered by one.  But for the most part, it seems the internet has been created for the sake of everyone sharing different pictures and videos of dumb animals around the world.  But, to some people, animals are their career.  And somewhere, someone has the job of coming up with names and words associated with the animals. Today, we will focus on the naming of the different groups animals have.  I went to this website compiled by Dean Tersigni who evidently scoured the internet to find all the group names for a shitload of animals (seriously, there were a bunch I didn’t even have a clue what they were).  A lot are simple, like herd, pack, or flock.  But some were clearly thought up by someone with a sense of humor.  And I’ve scoured his list and found the weirdest ones and I’m giving you the impression that each one gives me.  Why did I do this?  Because it’s Tuesday and I didn’t blog last week and after Game of Thrones ended I’m out of ideas, okay?  JESUS GIVE ME A BREAK.

Quick note before we begin, it seems Mr. Tersigni listed the most popular names first for the animals that had multiple names, so these are the ones I’m concentrating on.

Alligators – Congregation

I like to just picture a whole boatload of alligators just singing hymns and trying to clap their stupid little arms together.

Apes – Shrewdness

Nice try apes.  I appreciate your marketing team trying to give you more depth, but when you sling shit at people, you lose your “shrewd” as part of your brand.

Barracudas – Battery

I thought eels were supposed to be the electric ones, but they got stuck with swarm?  Barracudas could never be used as a battery, and that can be accomplished by a fucking potato.

Buzzards – Wake

Have we waited a respectful amount of time?  Can we eat him now?

The person that came up with this one was one Edgar Allen Poe mother fucker.  They knew exactly what they were doing.

Cats (wild) – Destruction

Stray cats can be a bit unruly, but destruction?  Man, if cats are a destruction, what the shit do you call bigger cats?

Cheetahs – Coalition

All right, I’ll give you this one.  Just picture a bunch of Cheetahs just all sitting around a large round table.  Bowls of Cheetos (natch) laid out for all of them, hammering out their latest treaty with the Lions.

Cobras – Quiver

Did anyone just picture Legolas just slinging snakes at people?  Cobras are scary enough on their own, we certainly don’t need to send them airborne.

Crabs – Cast

 

A cast of crabs sounds more like the call sheet for 12 Angry Men (wait, why are you leaving, come back…).

Crows – Murder

An all-time classic.  Just so fitting and haunting.  One of the most intimidating names in the game.  Well, until you get to…

Elk – Gang

I TOLD Y’ALL MOTHER FUCKERS TO STEP OFF!

THAT’S RIGHT MOTHER FUCKER YOU IN IT NOW!  THIS IS OUR TURF!  GET THE FUCK BACK!  THIS IS ELK TERRITORY!  GO RUB YOUR ASS AGAINST A TREE SOMEWHERE ELSE!

Ferrets – Business

“Hey Stuart, do you have the quarterly report done?”

“No sorry, I was working on it, but then I saw an empty paper towel roll and rolled around for 30 minutes.”

“Stuart, this is unacceptable, we’re trying to run a business!”

“What’s that?  I can’t hear you, I just jumped in the garbage and ate a whole banana peel.”

“Stuart, you’re fired.”

Frogs – Army

Real frogs would probably be more effective.

Can’t have a worse battle record than the other army of frogs.

 

Hummingbird – Charm

Who knew the humble hummingbird was really Mr. Steal Yo Girl?

Hyenas – Cackle

Did hyenas come up with this themselves?  Bet they thought that shit was hilarious.  Stoner ass dogs, smh

Jays – Party

Who would’ve thought Jays were the bros of the aviary?  Makes sense since most of them are total jerks.

Otters – Romp

Okay this one makes total sense.  Just a bunch of adorable water weasels just getting into mischief.  Good on you, zoology.

Owls – Parliament

Owls are always presented as arrogant pomps in fiction, so it makes perfect sense that a group of them would be named after a group of British human ass clowns.

Porcupines – Prickle

Raccoons – Gaze

Cut the shit raccoons, get out of here, you damn nature bandits!
Creepy as shit raccoons, stop staring at me.  No, I don’t have garbage for you.  No, I won’t put the cans out tonight.  Stop it, go help Pocahontas or something.

Rattlesnakes – Rhumba

Fun fact, Google “snake roomba” and there’s an actual story about a dude that found a snake in his Roomba.  Just picture, a fucking battalion of snakes on roombas, slowly, methodically- oh it’s like the dance?  Shaking your rattle like you shake your thang?  Okay, that makes way more sense.

Ravens – Unkindness

Wow, Ravens need to up their reputation.  Crows will cut your throat.  Ravens will cut you in line at Cumby’s to cash in their scratch ticket.

Stingrays – Fever

Bet Steve Irwin wishes he only got a fever (oh come on it’s been 10 years, suck it up!).

Whales – Pod

Blue whales have the biggest dick in the game and a group of them is called a Pod?  That’s no coincidence.

Wombats – Wisdom

Of all the animals you give wisdom to, a fucking wombat?  You see those things?  They’re about as sharp as a bowling ball.  They’re already just blind, bumbling balls of fur.  Stop playing a joke on them by making their group name ironic.

And in case you were wondering, a group of humans is called a tribe.  Makes sense right?  So much sense that the only other animal that uses the word tribe for their groups is goats.  And they’re pretty smart animals, I mean-

Okay, maybe Wombats don’t have it so bad.

If Other Things Were as Stacked as the Golden State Warriors

~ Sam Holt ~ Leave a comment

*Spoilers for the upcoming 2016-17 NBA Season*

If you generally follow sports in any rudimentary way, you probably heard that Kevin Durant signed with the Golden State Warriors, giving a team that just set a wins record a top 5 player without really shaking up their team.  It’s basically unprecedented.  It would’ve been like if the James/Wade/Bosh Miami Heat team just signed Chris Paul or Carmelo Anthony.  But, like my example, many people kept comparing it to sports; what if we go beyond?  I’m here to feed all those who haven’t got a clue about basketball just how ridiculous this signing is.  Not all heroes wear capes…

 Pokemon Team:

Okay, I bet you fuckers love this Pokemon Go bullshit.  Sweeping the nation like Snapchat and social unrest.  So everyone’s wondering, what is the most stacked Pokemon team you can have?  If you had unlimited Master Balls and PokeDollars to spend, what mythological masterclass would you assemble to black out all comers?  Well, it’s all about settin’ ’em up to knock them down.  A team this stacked would destroy any competition.

First up?  Magikarp.  Exactly.  They’ll never see it coming.  Just flopping around like a dingus.  Just act really frustrated and upset that he sucks more than Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 1.  It’s all a ruse, though.  Let them clean up that Magikarp and get complacent.  You’re about to unleash hell.

This is like 1/12 of their effective numbers.

Bam!  Just throw like 35 Zubats at him!  You don’t need to own more than one.  Just toss one out there and let him get all his little Zubat friends.  Those things are the worst.  You’re telling me that another trainer is going to be able to adapt to what they thought was a cupcake matchup that turns into a nocturnal nightmare?  Doubtful.  Hell, the other trainer might quit on the spot, just because fuck Zubats that’s why.

Next out, Mr. Mime.  This is yet another ruse.  You get that chucko fuck out there to dance around and say his shitty name (you know, like mimes totally do) and get the Pokemon and trainer alike to start assaulting him.  Mr. Mime’s not gonna last long, but after all those Zubats, the other trainer is gonna be harried.  They’re not sticking around for the long haul, and Mr. Mime is gonna tire that sucker out.  Eventually, when Mr. Mime succumbs, you got your designated hitter just ready to go.

Jynx.  Yup.  Look at this thing:

That is horrifying.  Dear lord.  Their Pokemon is gonna go running!  One sweet wet one from that chick, and bruh.  Case closed.  And if you’re telling me there’s still a Pokemon out there, well you step right up motherfucker, I got a best friend to tell you about.

His name is Snorlax.  Nighty night dickhead.  Your reign of terror is over.  You can’t even move this bastard.  He just sits there.  And he’s well fed too.  You give that Snorlax nothing but a pallet BJ’s Wholesale pretzel nugget jars every day, and he might as well have his own moon.

Last but not least, is my insurance policy.  Diglett with a gun.  DON’T ASK ME HOW THE MOTHERFUCKER GOT IT HE JUST DOES AND HE IS MAD!  Gotta Confederate Flag bandana and everything.  Man, scares me just thinking about it, little turdball just running rampant like that.  It’ll be that petting zoo all over again.  Man, I just got those baby sheep out of my head…but fuck man, you mess with the bull you’ll get the horns.

Magikarp, Zubats (~35), Mr. Mime, Jynx, Snorlax, Diglett (w/ gun)

Game of Thrones Kingsguard:

All right, let’s get back to my roots.  So the Kingsguard is seven knights sworn to protect the King.  They’ve never been a efficient lot; multiple incompetent assholes, pedophiles, and literal zombies.  But what if we were able to ask anyone, across allegiance, alignment, and aliveness?  Well, we could put together a fearsome band of brutes to protect that dumb child with his pointy chair.

Start at the top, Lord Commander Jon Snow.  He can’t die.  That’s a big pro in my book.  The ability to escape death on a show where pretty much everyone has died is a true talent.  You can’t teach that.  Plus, it gives him another oath to follow, and we all know how much that dude loves rules and being boring.

Dude looks downright orgasmic to have two hands on his sword again.

Next, two handed Jaime Lannister.  Are you like me?  Do you think Jaime Lannister was way better when he had two hands?  I think it’s because he’s down cause he can’t throw righty in to finish the job in his alone time.  But now with both hands back, he’s all lubed up and ready to go.  Just beating them back.  Jerking them around.  With a nice stroke and a quick flourish.  And there’s just not a better finisher in the game.

You can’t have a Kingsguard without Brienne of Tarth.  Who else would you have go on mindless errands all over the place never finding anyone?  Huge gap in your game if you pass her up.  Plus, she adds to your team’s height in case you have to play big.

Speaking of big, gotta go with Zombie Mountain in the four spot.  Brother is just completely brutal.  Low key good surgeon too.  I once saw him perform routine spinal surgery on a guy with his bare hands.  Dude didn’t even feel a thing.  Quite the talent.

You want bigger?  Going with Wun Wun the giant next.  Why?

That’s why.

Sixth spot goes to secret weapon Podrick Payne.  Listen, you never know when you’re gonna need a good honeypot.  What if the Sand Snakes seek redemption and try to kill the King to avenge their father?  Duh, send in Podrick to take them to pound town.  They won’t even know what continent they’re on…probably start speaking valyrian and wasting six seasons  of plot before he’s done.

The last spot may be controversial…it’s Bran Stark.  Now, hear me out.  All you gotta do is tell him to kill everyone.  “Hey Bran, it’d be totally cool if you actively tried to destroy the entire kingdom, thanks.”  Bran will do nothing but solve everything and achieve peace!  It’s a guarantee.

Jon Snow, Jaime Lannister, Brienne of Tarth, Zombie Mountain, Wun Wun, Podrick Payne, Fuckin’ Bran

Music:

It’s not hard to stack a band, especially since the cap limit in the music industry is ridiculous.  That’s how you end up with Kevin, Joe, and Nick Jonas all on the same team.  It’s so unfair.  But, with unlimited money and power, what concoction of sound could be created to reach the peak of audible enjoyment?  And it’s obvious you have to start at the core.  Sir Paul McCartney.  That’s a foundation if I’ve ever seen one.  Songwriting?  Check.  Bass player?  Check.  Backing Vocals?  You got it.  Token southpaw?  Already warming up.

Plus you know…20% chance he’s a vampire.

Lead guitarist is easy.  Jack White.  The man dragged Meg White to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.  If you don’t believe me, try playing drums in Rock Band on expert for “Icky Thump” and let me know when it gets fun.  I’d wait but I’m not eternal yet.

Next is Dave Grohl.  Really don’t care where he goes.  Probably drums, but you’re really signing the intangibles here.  He can play every instrument, carry the equipment, and do your band’s taxes.  Gotta have that man in the trenches.

All right, but you gotta appeal to the kids today.  Taylor Swift?  No way.  Chick is a chemistry nightmare.  She’ll be writing nasty breakup songs about Paul McCartney and claiming “Yesterday” was about her before you know it.  Nope.  Kanye?  Can’t do it.  He already thinks he’s the best band of all time by himself, and he’d get mad Jack White wouldn’t wear his $500 t-shirts.  You want vocals?  Rihanna.  Girl prints platinum records.  I almost subscribed to Tidal for her.  She’s that good.

Now, in the 5th spot, you need a secret weapon.  Gotta jazz it up with something.  And no one jazzes it up better than former President Bill Fucking Clinton.  ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?  NO, NO I AM NOT.  You play two songs without him.  Then in the lead up to the next song, off stage you just hear some sexy saxophone sizzle and in struts that does not inhale but blows people away!  Panties dropping so hard, there’s gonna be a sinkhole at Bonnaroo.  Just give me the gold plated diapers now.

Paul McCartney, Jack White, Dave Grohl, Rihanna, Bill Clinton

Song of the Summer Retrospective

~ Sam Holt ~ 1 Comment

With the summer comes a lot of things.  Trips to the beach, cookouts, sweating balls in your apartment because you’re too lazy to install your air conditioner…  But it also comes with that one song.  The song that plays seemingly endlessly on the radio.  Over and over and over.  Until you’re sick of it…then they play it some more.  You can be sitting outside, listening to some tunes, trying to relax in an environment that’s too hot (hot damn!), and that same fucking song comes on that you’ve heard 4,000 times by now.  And yet usually, there’s something, just something about it that still gets to you.  Catchy hook, a beat, a flow, something, and you find yourself enjoying it all over again.  Drake’s “One Dance” is currently the frontrunner for 2016, but hey, one catchy song about a summer love or a Korean guy screaming into a butt, and it all changes.  So I’m here, to give a retrospective on those songs for the last 10 years.  What makes me an expert?  I’ve listened to every song at least once.  I think…hold on…okay, yeah, definitely have!  And who cares?  It gives you a short list of bullshit to read while you’re on the can at work, and that’s all that really matters.

2006 – Promiscuous by Nelly Furtado featuring Timbaland

Back in 2000, Nelly Furtado was just bursting on the scene asking people to respectfully reduce electricity use and indulge in ornithological comparisons.  Then shit got turnt and she became a flamethrower just spitting out number one hit after number 36 hit.  It was a weird career defining moment for Nelly Furtado, but this song still works, and will receive a fond memory from everyone who is in their early 30’s now.

2007 – Umbrella by Rihanna featuring Jay-Z

Guys, Rihanna has been around for so long.  By the time she could legally drink in the U.S., she had already had five #1 songs.  She’s only behind the Beatles and Mariah Carey for most #1’s of all time.  She’s already ahead of Michael Jackson, Madonna, and Whitney Houston.  She has 10 more #1’s than Taylor Swift.  Even if you take away the three where she’s only featured, that’s still 11!  Umbrella might not be her best song, but it’s still great, even if it’s the caused terrible people to turn umbrella into a nine syllable word for a year.  But it makes up for that for keeping “Hey There Delilah” out of the top spot this year.  Get that sad shit outta here, Plain White T’s!  Some of us are trying to enjoy throwing back PBR while attempting to balance on a inflatable crocodile!

2008 – I Kissed a Girl by Katy Perry

Oh, I get it, she’s got a dog!

Not sure why this one is appealing…perhaps it’s Katy Perry’s voice?  It’s quite good.  I guess it’s kinda catchy.  Nope, don’t understand.  And this shit knocked out Coldplay?  Those darling lads from England that are universally beloved by everyone? Viva La Vida was transcendent!  I’m shocked.  Truly shocked.  Whatever, I’m sure this is just a one-hit wonder that we’ll never have to deal with again.

2009 – Boom Boom Pow/I Gotta Feeling – Black Eyed Peas

Do you remember seven short years ago when the Black Eyed Peas just owned the world.  My Humps won a Grammy.  They had the number one song from April to October.  And will.i.am appeared on a hologram on CNN during their election day coverage.  The Black Eyed Peas usually emit love or hate responses, and I go song to song by that.  Take Boom Boom Pow:  I love this song.  It’s addicting, exciting, and just gets you moving.  Even it’s “2000 and late” line just seems funny now and less unforgivable.  But I Gotta Feeling…no.  I don’t let that one go.  Like seriously, fuck that song.  They start by repeat the same line 12 times and then immediately rhyme up with up.  They’re next rhyme?  God and off.  At least they teach us the days of the week at the end.

2010 – California Gurls by Katy Perry featuring Snoop Dogg

Guys…

2011 – Party Rock Anthem by LMFAO featuring Lauren Bennett and GoonRock

If there was one song…one song that we could save through the downfall of civilization…one song that we could send to outer space to communicate with other forms of life…one song to hold upon high as the pinnacle of music as an art form…look no further than this classic from master poets Redfoo and SkyBlu.  Just a pure masterpiece from beginning to end.  It had me in tears.  These two gentleman have crafted an opus the likes of the world have never seen, and dare I say will most likely never see again.

2012 – Call Me Maybe by Carly Rae Jepsen

“And on the fourth day there were bangs, and she saw that they were good…”

The year was 2012…the people had been oppressed by 8 weeks of Gotye.  At first, most people enjoyed their new benevolent vaguely foreign ruler with his catchy xylophone and alarmingly huge mouth.  Then, an unending barrage of Gotye struck and the people despaired.  “Please!” they said, “Someone save us from the Gotye!”  And then, out of the sky, an angelic voice came down, and proclaimed “Hey, I just met you…and this is crazy…but here’s my number…so call me, maybe!”  And the people rose up, in an unending stream of romantic comedy inspired lyrics, unrelenting catchiness, and bangs.  To this day, we thank our savior for bringing this song into our minds…even though it tends to linger for an entire day once it is there.

2013 – Blurred Lines by Robin Thicke featuring T.I. and Pharrell

I’m going to take this time to just remind everyone that Robin Thicke’s marriage fell apart because he lacked the common spacial awareness to recognize the threat that mirrors contain:

Looks like the ring might be slipping off his finger.  His other finger appears to be slipping into a ring.

2014 – Fancy by Iggy Izalea featuring Charli XCX

This song is very misunderstood.  Many think it’s just about two girls having a good time.  No.  It is much more than that.  Iggy Izalea is a modern Renaissance (wo)man.  Our generation’s Da Vinci.  She, in no uncertain terms, claims to be a hitman, a physics teacher, and a time traveler.  She sees a future where there is a freeway that stretches across the Pacific Ocean from Los Angeles to Tokyo.  And, more unrealistically, a future where the word “retarded” is still in acceptable use.  A true pioneer.

2015 – See You Again Wiz Khalifa featuring Charlie Puth

Okay, this is a weird one.  First off, this should’ve been Uptown Funk.  I don’t think I’ve heard a more Song of Summer song than Uptown Funk, and I frankly hope I never will cause I still can’t get that song out of my head.  Then Furious 7 came out and this tribute song to Paul Walker and this locked down the top of the charts.  Sure, Cheerleader made a late push, but fuck that.  You know who owns the summer?  Paul Walker!  And Vin Diesel!  That’s right mother fuckers, this is really a Fast and Furious post!  Roll that shit:

R.I.P.  Brian O’Conner.  Live life a quarter mile at a time.

For the Watchers: S6E10 “The Winds of Winter”

~ Sam Holt ~ 1 Comment

*Spoilers up to the current episode of Game of Thrones*

The first three seasons of Game of Thrones treated the last episode like an epilogue.  Episode 9 got all the glory and episode 10 reacted to it. That all changed in Season 4, when Tyrion killed Shae and Tywin.  Then, they upped the ante by having Jon Snow be stabbed to death by a prepubescent boy.  But then to the shock of literally no one, they brought him back to life.  So, you can’t fool us again, Game of Thrones.  We know who has plot armor and who doesn’t!  What are you gonna do now, huh?  Well, evidently the answer to that question is basically kill off EVERY OTHER FUCKING CHARACTER.  After Ramsay died in the last episode, I said this show was going to have an antagonist problem.  Sure, they hinted at Cersei turning King’s Landing into her own personal Nagasaki, but even then, a lot predicted that taking things that far would immediately lead to her death, either by wildfire or by Jaime.  Not only is she still alive, she turned back into that cruel sadist she used to be and painted a bulls-eye on her back when everyone was looking for a target.  Now instead of Dany going toe to toe with cat-loving turd Tommen, we get the real clash of Queens we’ve all been waiting for.  With her plans literally out the window, Cersei has nothing left but a vindictive streak and perhaps a desire to prove herself.  This gives us a very tasty tinder box to watch develop in Season 7.  And another worthy antagonist for us to wish dead.

Speaking of the dead, there were no lack of casualties this week.  Seriously, the list of named characters killed off in this episode was eleven.  ELEVEN.  Those are Bran Stark numbers, and he didn’t even kill anyone!  The only Stark that died was in a flashback (good on ya, Starks, can’t even stop from dying when you’re not dying).  Here’s a quick breakdown of how I felt about all eleven, from least to most in amount of care:

These are the guys in the pies.  One of them was in Harry Potter and the other was in Doctor Who.  Yes, I found that on IMDb.

11 and 10)  Lothar Frey and Black Walder

AKA the Frey goon squad.  They’re equally as recognizable as pies.

9) Kevan Lannister

I literally forgot he was dead until I was preparing this blog, so that pretty much sums it up.

8) Lancel Lannister

I mean, when this guy showed back up, they did all but hold up a picture of him from Season 2.  He was that forgettable.  Plus, he lacks the hustle and awareness that makes a good role player.

7) Grand Maester Pycelle

This dude managed to have a horrific death that still made me laugh out loud when he bitch-slapped a kid.  However, he was docked points for not being a peacock.

6)  Mace Tyrell

RIP Peacock man.

5) Walder Frey

Walder Frey was basically that wine we have tucked away from some random year our friend that knows wines said was good.  That bottle of Johnny Walker Blue we secretly hope our asshat friends don’t drink while we’re away.  His death was inevitable, it was just a matter of when we got to savor it.

4) Tommen Baratheon

During the moments before his self-defenestration, I found it crazy that the Boy Blunder was going to ax himself.  But it made perfect sense, as it created the villain in Cersei this show desperately needed for Season 7 before the loath-able sideshow we’ll have to endure in fighting the White Walkers.  Kid had great form too, 100% DGAF.

3) Loras Tyrell

Loras has been a bust for the last two seasons, but he was a dope swordsman with great hair.  Plus, he was the heir of House Tyrell, and dammit that used to mean something!

They wouldn’t have needed those eye-rocks for his wake.  You know, if his body wasn’t instantly incinerated.

2) High Sparrow

I do not like the High Sparrow.  He’s basically a monotonous professor, mixed with a confirmation class teacher, with a dash of Charles Manson.  My amount of care is less dictated by how much I enjoyed the character, and more by the facts that 1) I’m am relieved he is out of the picture, 2) he made way for a much more intriguing villain, 3) I don’t have to see that weird blankless stare through my soul anymore.

1) Margaery Tyrell

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOkay so it’s not like, the biggest deal that she died.  Arya was probably the only non big three (Jon, Dany, and Tyrion) person that could’ve died that really would’ve deeply bothered me.  But everything about me wanted Margaery to run when she smelled a load of bullshit.  I was incensed at the assclown star-heads that blocked her way…even though I now know she would’ve needed Varys levels of traveling speed to get out of the way of that blast.  I’ll miss Margaery Tyrell and I’ll miss Natalie Dormer…but evidently not nearly as much as Tommen did.

Meanwhile, in the North:

Jon:  Lords and Ladies, we need to unite to fight the White Walkers…

Yohn Royce:  And why would we do that?

Lyanna Mormont:  Are you fucking kidding me Royce?

Royce:  I beg your pardon…

Lyanna:  Pardon this dipshit. *wanker gesture*  Get your head out of your enormous ass and pledge to Jon Snow.

Wyman Manderly:  My Lady, you mustn’t…

Lyanna:  The fuck you say Manderly?  Your triple chin trying to dribble out some horseshit?  I have 62 fucking men.  Six.  Two.  And they were all behind Jon Snow the entire time.  And you, the human embodiment of a KFC Double Down, just sat there on your bean bag chair ass doing dick all with your army.

Wyman Manderly:  Please, I just didn’t want my family to-

“Oh this?  This is just how many seconds I’m giving you before I show you your tonsils.”

Lyanna:  To what?  See what a competent lord would do?  You’re like a manatee that’s washed ashore, but with less practical purpose.  In fact, if you were a manatee, I wish you’d be back in the water so you could get hit by a boat.

Cley Cerwyn:  Okay, I’ve heard about enough…

Lyanna:  And YOU, Cerwyn!  The only thing you’ve ever handled properly was your own dick after it took you months to find it.

Cley Cerwyn:  Stop it, you’re being mean!

Lyanna:  What’re you gonna do, go run and tell daddy?  Oh, that’s right, he was flayed alive in front of you.  And guess what, he STILL has thicker skin than you.

Robett Glover:  That’s it!  I’m ending this right-

*Lyanna stands up and just starts repeatedly, unceasingly kicking Lord Glover in the balls*

Jon:  So…what do you say?

Everyone:  …the King in the North?

Lyanna:  *kicks Lord Glover in the balls again*  I can’t hear you.

Everyone:  The King in the North!

And finally to the Tower of Joy.  So Jon’s a Targaryen.  But he’s still half Stark, which explains why he’s chronically inept.  Overall, it’s still a monumental revelation regardless of how telegraphed it was.  Though, don’t expect that to become common knowledge anytime soon.  I mean, this is Bran you’re counting on with this information.  Kid’s about as clutch as a brain tumor.  Even if word got out, if Dany gets push back from the Seven Kingdoms, Jon being family isn’t gonna look super hot.  The only good thing is the Targaryen’s love incest as much as they love lighting shit on fire, so Jon and Dany could make a power couple bigger than Jay-Z and Beyonce.  But with dragons.

Stupidity is clearly sexually transmitted in Westeros cause Talisa dicked up saving this Frankenstein fuck’s life
  1. Seriously though, I wish I was the one guy who hadn’t read/thought of the R+L=J theory and was just like “OH SHIT SON” during that reveal.
  2. I mean, if Natalie Dormer was the only girl I had ever hooked up with and she died, I might jump out a window too.  The things Tommen does for love…
  3. Daario:  What will you do without me?
    Dany:  Probably rule Westeros and perhaps fall in love with my nephew.
    Daario:  And that’s what you want?
    Audience:  FOR GODS SAKE, YES!
  4. Never have I ever wanted someone to have a threesome more than Bronn in that scene where clearly someone was gonna get got.  Please Bronn, go fuck those two gorgeous women and get the fuck out of this room!
  5. Benjen:  I gotta go.
    Bran:  But you just got here?  Why even come at all?
    Benjen:  Cause fuck book readers.
  6. Hey, when you look at the back of the Mountain’s head, it doesn’t look so bad.
  7. Isn’t it weird that the only person championing a woman to lead the North is a former brothel owning wifeslayer and the person that convinced everyone to let a man lead was a 10-year-old girl?
  8. I hope Tommen at least fed Ser Pounce first…
  9. Euron:  Excuse me, which way is Meereen?
    Gendry:  Dude, I have no idea where the fuck I am.
  10. Qyburn went from being introduced with his throat slit to being the person crowning the Queen.  He’s doing this show backwards.
  11. Game of Thrones by Disney:
    Sam:  I’m to be the new Maester!
    Receptionist:  Right this way!
    Sam:  Are these all books for me?
    Receptionist: *singing*  I can show you the world…
  12. Season 3:
    Melisandre to Arya:  “We will meet again…”
    Season 6:
    Jon Snow:  Get the fuck out, Melisandre.
    Audience:  NOOOOOOOOOOOO
  13. It makes sense that Olenna would go to Dorne since it’s basically the Florida of Westeros.  She’s relocating to retire in a state of crazy wack jobs that somehow have a huge amount of influence on who the next leader will be.

Thank you to everyone that read this blog during the Game of Thrones season.  I appreciate you.  Hope you all keep reading whatever the fuck I write about next.