Okay. So, that break was longer than expected. Sure, I can say that it was because I started taking classes to pursue a Master’s, or because my job ramps up in the summer, but those are just excuses. Truth is I’ve had nothing to write about and haven’t bothered really buckling down and trying to come up with something. Honestly, I was very close to writing Neville Longbottom: Vampire Hunter only partly ironically. Not a joke. I got a good plot laid out and honestly…nope, still a horrible idea.
It speaks to our generation.
It’s really hard when Game of Thrones isn’t on. Seriously, when your favorite show currently airing is about an alcoholic scientist that routinely gets his whiny grandson in terrible predicaments, it becomes pretty difficult to write a blog about what you’re watching. But honestly, I could write recaps of all the comedies I’m watching. But most of them I can do justice to in a sentence. Rick and Morty is a great show if you’re an immature person that enjoys dark humor. You’re the Worst is the comedy of my generation that no one is watching, though it is currently trying to re-find it’s footing after a great first season. Brooklyn Nine-Nine’s first episode was decent and Gina Linetti is still one of my favorite characters on TV for reasons I can’t explain. And Dr. Who’s pilot episode was…well, I can’t say anything that will improve this. So how do you make fun of shows that are already light and funny? You can’t really. But there are a lot of shows I don’t watch that people constantly tell me I’d love. Here’s why I don’t watch your show:
Mad Men
Can’t we just get along?
Everybody LOOOOOVES Mad Men. Oh man, Don Draper, the suitcase, hot red heads, smoking indoors…this show has got it all. You know what it doesn’t have? Happy people. Why does everyone have to be so angry all the time? You’re all rich people getting hammered and doing drugs, stop being so mad.
Orange is the New Black
What’s Donna from That 70’s Show doing in a prison? And why isn’t she like 63? Is she a time lord? I also already watched Oz, and I imagine they’re basically the same show.
Downton Abbey
It’s tremendously hard for me to watch anything British that doesn’t include magic, dragons, everyday office work, or a sociopathic detective that’s most endearing quality is being best friends with Martin Freeman.
How to Get Away with Murder
Uh, shouldn’t we be setting a better example for the kids? My mom wouldn’t let me play Grand Theft Auto until I was 17, and look how I turned out! (Okay, bad example.)
Empire
More of a Rebel Alliance guy myself, though I thought it was cool they got Terrence Howard to play Darth Vader.
Is he a funeral director? A hitman? A unnecessarily handsome hand model?
Ray Donovan
My guesses for what Ray Donovan is about:
A secret agent with a dark past that gets slowly revealed during his weekly exploits.
A sequel to the Omen.
An Everybody Loves Raymond reboot where Ray gets put in witness protection and is seeking revenge after the mob finds his family.
This Sunday felt especially empty. Turning on HBO and seeing the morose trudging that is True Detective doesn’t scratch the same itch. Sure, it’s gritty and engaging, but who are all these characters? Why do I care? When they inevitably die, I won’t have 5 seasons of bonding that will make the death hurt that much more. That’s what I miss from Game of Thrones being off air for 10 months. So, to celebrate another great season (I mean, it was at least good) I’m going to hand out some end of season awards. Completely subjective. Actually, you’ll probably disagree with me on a lot of them. How much do I care? Let’s ask Sansa:
Thanks Sansa. Let’s start slow and build to the juicy awards.
Worst New Character: The Waif
Look. I hate two-thirds of the Sand Snakes just like everyone else…but The Waif (Arya’s corpse washing buddy) just represented everything I hated about Arya’s arch this season. She’s being held back and the training is just torturous…to her and the viewer. At least the Sand Snakes were always threatening to be interesting, even if inevitably they weren’t.
Silver Medal: Septa Unella (SHAME), Bronze Medal: Nymeria Sand (She loses to Obara since Obara at least killed a dude with a spear…even though he was buried up to his neck in scorpion sand.)
Best New Character: Doran Martell
You know what? Dorne would’ve been way better this season if they let this guy out once and a while. Dude was spitting daggers every time he was on screen. His batting average was staggering. Yet, he barely showed up…but he still gets the gold for me. Karsi probably would’ve gotten it just for her a capella skills alone, but she got murdered in her first episode by some undead children even though they were nice enough to be the only zombies to ever not immediately attack when they saw someone.
Silver: Wun Wun the Giant; Bronze: Tyene Sand’s…um…personality
Best Line not by Tyrion: “For the Watch.”
It’s simple, but it’s effective. And it will be by far the most enduring line going into the next season. It also signifies things coming full circle. Jon Snow joined the Watch to prove himself…and now he finds himself on death’s doorstep because he “betrayed” his brothers.
Silver: “We both peddle fantasies, Brother Lancel. Mine just happen to be entertaining.” – Petyr Baelish
Bronze: “Shut your mouth” – Daario Naharis
Worst Line of the Season: “You know nothing, Jon Snow.”
This line is already corny, but then they rolled it back for Melisandre. Sure, it shows she’s…vaguely aware of…some shit. I don’t know. What I do know is my nose nearly broke due to the facepalm I felt obligated to apply to myself after this quip.
Silver: “Shame. Shame. Shame.” – Septa Unella, around the 16th time she said it.
Bronze: “I put an arrow through his heart.” – Jon Snow, forgetting the art of context.
Best Line by Tyrion: “She ought to offer her cunt. Best part of her for the best part of me.”
Daggers.
Silver: “Guess again.” – in regards to his “Dwarf-sized cock”
In my opinion, 8 is the new 9. For most, episode 9 of the first three seasons was the best episode. Last year, you could probably make an argument for any of the last three, but “The Mountain and the Viper” was just top to bottom fantastic. And this year Hardhome knocked us loopy with a second half showdown that not even book readers could see coming. It was the sort of episode that is exactly why everyone watches this show. And they didn’t even go to Dorne! It was perfect!
Silver: “The Dance of Dragons” Bronze: “The House of Black and White”
Tyrion and Bronn Award for Best Pairing: Tyrion and Varys
Probably one of my favorite pairings early in earlier seasons, though they never shared much screen time. This is also probably what I’m looking forward to most next season. You know…that and WHY WOULD YOU KILL HIM IF WE STILL DON’T KNOW WHO HIS MOM IS? JESUS FUCKING C-
Silver: Jaime and Bronn; Bronze: Tyrion and Jorah
Happiest Moment: Stannis and Shireen share a moment
It’s unfortunate that this would all be undercut by what happened later in the season, but the moment Stannis described to Shireen how committed he was to her and then her embracing him, it gave me all the feels this show never does. I should’ve known better.
Silver: Varys returning to Tyrion; Bronze: Gilly and Sam
Saddest Moment: Shireen gets the witch treatment
I mean, her screams at least gave Ramsay Bolton a new ringtone…
Silver: Arya giving up Needle; Bronze: Somehow…Cersei’s walk of shame…shame…shame.
Fuck Yeah Moment: Arya Kills Meryn Trant
Silver: Dany rides a fucking dragon; Bronze: Tyene seduces Bronn
Fuck No Moment: “For the Watch”
I mean, until Jon Snow comes back next season. That’s totally happening right? RIGHT? YOU WOULDN’T TALK ABOUT LYANNA STARK FOR NO REASON! FOR FUCK’S SAKE, JUST-
Silver: Sons of the Harpy emerge in the crowd; Bronze: When Bronn almost dies
Biggest Riser: High Sparrow
The High Sparrow wasn’t exactly enigmatic. He wasn’t flashy and he didn’t have a ton of quotable lines. But he reinvigorated the show in amazing ways. He shook up King’s Landing, he gave us another gray area villain that contemporary dramas have been serving up lately. And he made us kinda feel bad about Cersei, which is quite an accomplishment. I’m looking forward to seeing his rise and inevitable fall over the next season.
Silver: Olly; Bronze: Daario Naharis
Biggest Regresser: Jaime Lannister
Remember when Jaime Lannister used to run shit? Like tossing children out of windows, slicing everyone in earshot with his tong#ue, and beating the shit out of basically everyone who bothered to challenge him? I miss that Jaime. This Jaime pouts on his horse and watches his daughter/niece die in his arms. Who likes this Jaime?
Silver: Stannis Baratheon; Bronze: The Unsullied…they’re basically Storm Troopers now.
Best Character: Jon Snow
Listen, I know he got stabbed a bunch, but there was no doubt who ran this season. Dude ran a clinic on badass this year. And what does he get for it? A fucking knife to the chest. Again and again. Fuck the Watch. I said it.
Silver: Tyrion Lannister; Bronze: Samwell Tarly
And now, for my personal Top 10…all subjective, no reasoning around a lot of them. I’ll give explanations for all…a lot of them I really should explain myself.
Personal Top 10:
10) Podrick Payne – It’s nice to know what I’d be like in this universe. Most of his look and characteristics describe me. And to answer your follow up questions, yes, ALL his characteristics. Ladies.
9) Jaime Lannister – #NotMyJaime
8) Margaery Tyrell – Every moment this goddess is in jail, Tommen is fucking up.
7) Varys – “I did miss you.”
6) Bronn – I hope they find something for him to do next season…cause it’d be a huge waste if they don’t. Probably the funniest character on the show.
5) Ramsay Bolton – Today is not the day I explain myself on this. The short answer is I like enigmatic villains. I await the day I can celebrate his downfall with the rest of you.
4) Arya Stark – Hopefully blind Arya is just as cool as regular Arya. And hopefully she gets writing like pre-season 5 Arya.
3) Jon Snow? – WHY NOT JUST KILL EVERYONE AND START THE SHOW OVER AGAIN WITH FUCKING MUPPETS! YOU FUCKING FUCKS!
2) Petyr “Littlefinger” Baelish – The Don was mysteriously absent for a lot of this season. Hoping for a strong return for Bae, he has way too much potential.
1) Tyrion Lannister – Tyrion has never wavered from being my favorite character. I hate having a favorite character that a lot of people share. I’d imagine that if you took all the people that favored Tyrion, Jon, and Dany on one side, there’d be a sparse amount of viewers on the other. But Tyrion spits the best game and is ever the underdog, a formidable combination for anyone to ever overcome in my eyes. He even makes me look forward to finding out what the fuck is going to happen to Meereen.
That about wraps up this year. To most of my audience, I’ll be back probably during the off season at some point to break down casting. For the rest of you, I’m planning on some interesting projects during the “off season.” Stay tuned. And one last time…For the Watch.
(Spoilers for every episode of Game of Thrones, including this one. Seriously, turn back right now if you haven’t watched this episode. I’m starting out with a huge spoiler. For real, going to do it. Honestly, I’m just doing this so the preview on Facebook doesn’t show the quote I’m starting with. Okay, we safe to continue? Good.)
“Now, here’s the underlying thing about Game of Thrones that we’ve learned through 4 1/2 seasons: not everyone is truly as vulnerable as the show would want you to believe. Some people are currently untouchable….If Dany dies, you feel like a huge section of the plot was absolutely pointless…that’s not shocking, that’s frustrating. That’s infuriating…But that list of untouchables is shockingly short. Dany and Jon Snow are probably the only two completely untouchable characters.” –Shut Up Bender “Sons of the Harpy” recap
Well.
First I should cop to being wrong…I was wrong to underestimate George R.R. Martin’s abilities to dismay his fans. But, at what cost? Honestly, I’m not even talking about losing Jon Snow, who was given the Julius Caesar treatment last night from the Night’s Watch. I’m talking about the cost of shocking story telling in these works of fiction. There are pretty much two things that can happen from here:
1) Melisandre gives Jon the Beric Dondarrion treatment and brings Jon back to life.
2) Jon Snow is dead, and either stays dead or comes back as a wight.
Here’s the problem with both theories. If Jon is resurrected, it cheapens the moment of his death. That sets a dangerous precedent where people can come back willy-nilly like comic book characters. Obviously, Jon would probably be changed. Beric lost part of his memory and was visibly scarred, and one would expect Jon to be the same. Still though, this option is not very appealing to me. There are already far too many zombies in this show, I don’t need more. Also, there’s literally no way HBO can keep it quiet for an entire off season. Do you think “Hot young stud Kit Harrington conspicuously does nothing for 9 months” is gonna play? So, more than likely, anyone with a social media account will stumble on someone sharing an Entertainment Weekly article stating he’s filming in Iceland. Then where’s the shock? I get that it works for a book, but it doesn’t for a TV show…so why not kill Jon in Episode 9 (keeping up with tradition), and tease his resurrection in the finale? I get that it would potentially spoil the books, but the readers are already butt hurt over everything else that’s changed, what’s one more thing?
“Hello darkness, my old friend…”
The other option is just that Jon Snow is dead. As my above quote explains, this is a particularly egregious thing to do to a reader/viewer. This year was the first I finally turned around on Jon Snow. He went from being mopey and boring to a genuine badass whose scenes I eagerly awaited each episode. I was actually going to give him my coveted Oberyn Martell slot in my top 5 characters list that had remained up for grabs this entire season. And truth be told, he probably moved up to 3 or 4 for me. There was still loads of story to mine there: the inevitable Wildling crimes Jon would have to pay for, his fight against the White Walkers, and WHO IS HIS GD EFFING MOTHER?! People who watch Game of Thrones without developing theories or speculating on the end game may see this and just be upset a beloved character died. In the eyes of the speculators, this is a damning blow to many exciting theories. All you can do is trust in George R.R. Martin (or at this point, David Benioff and D.B. Weiss) that this is all part of the plan and it’ll all work out from a narrative standpoint.
However, there’s a giant turd in the punch bowl now. Whom do we cheer for? Whom do we invest? Should we even bother? What’s to stop him from killing Dany now (who is finally out of Meereen, but is pretty much right back to where she started)? Jon dying certainly deflates my interest in the end game in a way I didn’t think possible. As Tyrion said last week, ““There’s always been more than enough death in the world for my taste. I can do without it in my leisure time.” I come to Game of Thrones for an escape, and while shocking deaths and despair are part of the show, axing characters left and right doesn’t keep me interested in where the plot is going. Why would I continue to watch this show if all it will do is build up my hopes only to have them dashed? Shows I love like The Wire, Breaking Bad, and Lost killed major characters off all the time, but always with reason. Sure, Game of Thrones wants to be real and not fantasy. Jon Snow dies because in that situation, that’s what would happen. But it also kills part of my interest in the show as a whole, and that’s not a good thing.
“Am I dead? JUST TELL ME IF I’M DEAD!”
This finale also managed to leave almost every plot line up in the air. Looking back on past seasons, this rarely happens. Usually, each one is either wrapped up or turns to a different direction. No one’s life usually is hanging in the balance. As it stands now, we don’t know what condition Sansa and Theon are in (it’s entirely possible one or both of them are dead), nor do we know for certain if Stannis, Myrcella, or Jon are dead. I’d put it at more likely than not Stannis and Myrcella are dead, but if you don’t see a body, you never know. Not to mention, it’s rather ambiguous what’s going on with Arya and we’re not sure how pumped these particular Dothraki are to see Dany. So let’s break all of this down, shall we?
“I wish I was doing…whatever it is I do for fun.”
Stannis had a pretty bad day huh? First, he loses half his army (eh, not so bad, you still have the other half). Then his wife (she was a weirdo anyway, good riddance). Then his advisor/mistress (she’s just a bandwagon fan, we got this!). Then the other half of his army (wait…). Then, he manages to find the only person in that forest that wouldn’t flay him alive. Unfortunately, it was the long lost unrequited lover of his kinslayed brother, Renly. You know what? I’m throwing that in the W column for Stannis. Killed with skin still intact. Good for you buddy!
“But we banged once!”
Also during the battle, just before we found out how awkwardly it is to fulfill a non-lethal threat against someone with a bow at point blank range…Reek became Theon again and eliminated Myranda in the Winterfell Royal Rumble. Theon, is that any way to treat the last girl you had sex with? I know it’s been a while for you, but jeez. You know, now that I think about it, this was a bad day for Ramsay. Lost his wife, his mistress, and didn’t even get to flay anyone after the battle. No one wins in this show.
This was pretty much the only image I could find that wasn’t absolutely nauseating.
Speaking of not winning, Meryn Trant step right up. Even if George R.R. Martin loves to torture his fans, he’s not gonna let a pedorapist run free. I haven’t felt so fulfilled by a character’s death since the last season of Breaking Bad when [Redacted] killed [Redacted] (link obviously has spoilers for Breaking Bad). The scene with Jaqen H’ghar needs a bit of explanation as to what the fuck is going on, but luckily there was enough other shit going on this episode that this became a footnote.
Good news: Dany is finally out of Meereen! Bad news: Now she’s back where she started, in the Dothraki Sea. No one really has any idea how this is going to play out. Remember, not all Dothraki were loyal to Dany. Someone killed Rakharo in this easily forgettable scene from Season 2. These are probably among those Dothraki, but no one knows how they’ll react to Dany (or even know who she is). Chances are, you don’t wanna be her. But it’s better than her brooding in Meereen for another season. Instead we get treated to Tyrion and Varys 2.0! I’m actually pretty excited for this. I’d watch an entire season of just them making jokes about each other while slowly turning Meereen around. And the way everyone got dropped this year, that might be exactly what happens.
And now, a Dornish interlude:
Ellaria: Myrcella, darling! I’m going to miss you so much! I could just kiss you!
Myrcella: That’s a little weird…no family kisses on the lips in Westeros, even you wackos.
Jaime: That is weird, you’re not like pulling a Poison Ivy thing right?
Ellaria: Hmm?
Jaime: You know, from Batman & Robin? Uma Thurman? Poisons her enemies by kissing them?
Ellaria: Nah, that’s impossible.
Jaime: I don’t know, what do you think Bronn?
Bronn: What? I wasn’t listening, I was too busy thinking about what position I’m going to start with when I film “A Knight in the Sand: Tyene Me Crazy.”
Jaime: You need a better pun for that title.
Bronn: You’re right, could you give me a hand with that?
Jaime: …
Myrcella: Guys, I’m dying.
I probably would’ve just stayed inside today.
Back in King’s Landing, we got a half-assed apology from Cersei and a full-assed walk to the Red Keep. Did anyone else see the distance to the Red Keep and think “Damn, that’s a long walk, wonder what happened to Arya with her eyes…oh, we’re gonna keep watching her walk? Well that would take like 20 solid minutes…oh.” Wouldn’t have been bad if Cersei didn’t have the world’s worst hype man behind her the entire time. The only thing that was a shame was that no one pegged that nun with some of that garbage. Though, I’m guessing now with Zombie Mountain, that septa is going to have a lot worse shit heading towards her.
Episode 9. If you’ve gotten this far into Game of Thrones, you know the pedigree. Ned Stark. Blackwater. Red Wedding. Castle Black. “The Dance of Dragons” may not be the best episode 9 of the series, but it surely lived up to the name. Delivering one of the best episodes of the season, there were a range of emotions running from sheer anger, overwhelming dread, and, if you’re me, raucous joy by the way I personally may or may not have audibly cheered in a room with only myself and my fat dog. But, like this episode did, let’s power through the bad before we get to the good.
That’s hot.Let’s start in the North, where we were teased a showdown between Ramsay and Stannis and instead we got the least cool camping trip ever. Ramsay’s genius plan boiled down to a bunch of dudes setting fires on tents and horses and killing basically no one. Was it effective? Sure. But why even bother to tease it? It wasn’t that stunning visually, other than that moment with the burning horse…and would you believe me if I told you that wouldn’t be the worst thing to watch burn alive this episode? Wait, you would? Anyway, I half expected for Stannis to wake up to find half his army flayed or some shit. How did Roose accept this? I believe it went a little something like this:
Roose: We’re gonna stay behind the wall and wait for them to starve.
Ramsay: Dad, don’t do that, we gotta go on the offensive!
Roose: We can’t lose our advantage.
Ramsay: But it’s guaranteed to work!
Roose: What is it?
Ramsay: I’m gonna take a buncha guys, and we’re gonna light some shit on fire, and then Stannis will get really miffed and probably do something rash that’ll make him completely unforgivable!
Roose: …that’s a goddamn foolproof plan and I’m so fucking happy you’re my son.
Ramsay: Thanks Dad!
Roose: Wanna go rape some skinless corpses?
Ramsay: Boy do I!
Speaking of missing the point of teases, Jon Snow had a tense moment where it seemed like he briefly was going to be left out in the cold. Then immediately nothing happened. Personally, I assumed this, and got ticked that the “next week on” section teased an uprising within. Ser Alliser is definitely a d-bag, but keeping Jon from getting through the gate wouldn’t end well for him. I mean, just look at Janos Slynt. Seriously, look at him:
Remember that shit? I bet Ser Alliser does. Jon Snow ain’t no bitch anymore. He’s taking heads and not giving a shit about their names.
Now to Dorne, where we- hey, stop booing! C’mon, they tried they’re best! Settle down! Remember Tyene? She’s still there! Better? Okay, good. Seriously, where has Doran been this whole season? He’s like Oberyn, without all the sex and the violence, which surprisingly is still really good! This scene was infuriating only because it shows the potential that could’ve actually happened in this story line. Even the Sands Snakes scene was good. I have no idea where this will go next year. Seemingly, the Sand Snakes will do something, since it would make no sense to introduce them if they’re literally going to do nothing else. Here’s hoping they don’t waste our time and stop threatening Bronn’s life, even if it was in the best way possible.
Also, it’s easy to forget that theoretically no one knows (or is supposed to know) that Myrcella is Jaime’s daughter. The scene where Ellaria casually mentions it wouldn’t be a big deal if he was a Targaryen is telling. Jaime doesn’t admit it, but he doesn’t outright deny it like he and Cersei have to in King’s Landing. For better or (probably) worse, the Lannisters and Martells are family now. If I were Cersei, I would be pumped! Dorne and the Reach are in the family! That’s prime wine country! Oh wait, that’s right, she’s sucking water off the floor. My b.
Even Braavos has shitty frat bros.Okay, theoretically, if oysters are the Viagra of this universe, maybe it’s not a good idea to give them to a teenage girl. Especially when the other two things you’re peddling are called “clams” and “cockles”. Seriously, any Braavosi douchebag can come up with that joke. Anyway, Arya ignored an old man going after her clams to find Meryn Fucking Trant going after an even younger girl’s clam. There’s really no redeeming a pedophile in a fictional universe. Viewers will tolerate betrayal, murder, and even flaying more than pedophilia. Meryn Trant has got to go, and I give him a slim to none chance of surviving the season. If I had to guess, I’d say we’re losing probably 2 or 3 starring/recurring characters next week, and I’d put most of my money on Trant making his donation to the Many Faced God.
Okay, hold on, let me prepare myself to talk about Shireen:
Wait…
Okay, maybe I’m beginning to be able to talk about this. I mean, I’m all for surprising, and it got teased to death, what with Stannis delivering a Father of the Year caliber speech and Melisandre hinting they have no other option, but it kinda felt like Ned Stark all over again. Like, they aren’t REALLY gonna kill that little girl…right? Right? Wrong. This is Game of Thrones, not Dragon Tales. That girl is dust. But hey, silver linings: at least Davos doesn’t need to make that doe carving anymore! This also makes the battle for Winterfell woefully uninteresting. Remember when I joked about Littlefinger being Sansa’s best case scenerio? To think now that everyone else is probably hoping for Littlefinger to clean up the scraps of that battle is crazy. But that’s the world they live in.
Pictured: Bad fighting pit etiquetteBefore we get to the climax of the episode, can we take a second to talk about the knight stabbing the dude about to kill Jorah in the back? Seriously guy, you suck at being polite and at being a cheater. Either let the dude kill Jorah and then fight him man to man, or let him kill Jorah and stab him the second after. If you waited literally one second, you would’ve won. Game over. Then the Sons of the Harpy would’ve killed Dany, Daario, and Tyrion, and we never would’ve had to worry about Essos again.
The fight itself had some great dialogue. Daario is really becoming one of my favorite characters (“Your Grace…” “Shut your mouth.”) and Tyrion just gets gold line after gold line (“It’s easy to confuse ‘what is’ with ‘what ought to be’ especially when ‘what is’ has worked out in your favor.”). And the comedy of the stronger competitor beheading the quick competitor was one of the funniest moments of the season (and if that sentence doesn’t tell you what kinda show this is, I don’t know what will). But when the Sons of the Harpy attack, it is legitimately terrifying. This scene is chalked full of characters you care about in imminent danger. Luckily, with all due respect to Hizdahr Zo Loraq (Dany’s second dead husband), no one that mattered had to die because Drogon made the most dramatic entrance since Ramsay in Season 4. He saves everybody in the arena and then let’s Dany ride him off into the sunset. Though, are they really safe? I mean, shouldn’t Dany make sure they get out alive? What if Daario and Jorah are still awkward around each other? And who’s gonna clean up all the dead bodies scattered around? Are we just suppose to stop caring because she- wait. Dany’s finally riding a fucking dragon?
(Spoilers for everything up to this episode of Game of Thrones)
Okay, so maybe last week was a bad time to point out that Game of Thrones was getting predictable. Last night, after seasons of intrigue, suspense, and anticipation, Game of Thrones fans finally got to see one of the big moments they’ve been waiting for. And somehow it didn’t involve Tyrion Fucking Lannister talking to Daenerys Fucking Targaryen. Last year’s Episode 8 was probably the best episode in a ridiculously good season and began probably the best 3 episode run this show has ever had. This season has been dull by comparison, but almost every stop in “Hardhome” was fantastic. That being said, I have some qualms with the implications this episode highlighted. I know this will make me sound like the Jebidiah Atkinson, but I’ll defend my thoughts. So before we get to the top story, let’s do some quick hits through Essos and the Seven Kingdoms.
Looks like “Lana” is going to be taking her enemies to the…DANGER ZONE!Arya finally got a target this week which is…better. Seriously, this whole season has been a wash for Arya (Get it? I hate myself.). But, at least now she’ll get to kill somebody. I’m rather shocked to say somehow Jaqen H’ghar turned into the worst screen partner Arya’s had so far (Quick rankings, 1) the Hound 2) Tywin 3) Syrio 4) Yoren 5) Gendry. Honorable Mention to Jon Snow). With all his mystery, his lack off assassinating really makes him seem much lamer. Although, it seems his teachings are finally getting somewhere. Turning Arya into someone else is a good start. But we can’t forget who she is. She still has that list of people she wants to murder. Out of her whole list, she’s only personally killed Polliver. Admittedly it’s hard for her to kill those people in Braavos. Cersei’s in a cell in King’s Landing. Walder Frey is safely in the plot purgatory that is the Riverlands. The Mountain is unsafely with Qyburn where “the work continues.” And Meryn Trant is on a boat with Mace Tyrell heading to the Iron Bank of…oh shit. OH SHIT GUYS! I hope the Meryn Trant fan club is well rested, cause that mofo is on a one-way train heading straight for the Bone Zone. God, I love this show.
In other Stark news, Sansa found out she was getting Punk’d this whole time. After constantly badgering the Artist Formerly Known as Theon, she finally got Reek to give up his juiciest secret, letting her know that her younger brothers are still alive…somewhere. Sansa still has no idea where they are though, and even if she did, finding them wouldn’t really help their safety with the Boltons still in power. But Bran is supposedly safe becoming a birdman north of the Wall, and Rickon should be (according to one throwaway line of dialogue) with House Umber, who you may remember all the way back from Season 1 as the house with the guy that laughed after his fingers got bit off by a giant fucking wolf. So, you know, nothing to worry about there. I’m not entirely sure what will happen with Sansa, but if Brienne does get through to her and they start traveling to find her brothers…wait no, I still won’t really give a shit.
Elsewhere in Winterfell we were teased with an intriguing plan from Ramsay Bolton to quell the incoming invasion of fire worshipers to the snowed-in castle. Not knowing his intentions, I’m guessing it has to pass the Rule of Cool. No way the ever-pragmatic Roose Bolton would let Ramsay spoil a sure victory unless it was so awesome that the TV audience couldn’t be denied (and let’s face it, sieges don’t make for good TV). This is really the first time since Season 2 that Stannis and Co. are in any sort of danger. It’s almost guaranteed heads will roll in the last two episodes, and very suddenly, Stannis, Shireen, and Ser Davos are all trickling towards the Bone Zone.
Quick note to the High Sparrow: if you want Cersei to confess, you should’ve brought a bucket of wine. That chick would’ve confessed to fucking Jaime on Robert’s dead corpse while worshiping the Lord of Light if she could suck down some Merlot. I mean, look what she did for water.
I really wanted this to be picture at the top of the post, but I didn’t want to blow the minds of people who haven’t caught up.After getting Jorah and his weepy, Dashboard Confessional ass out of Meereen, Tyrion delivered a spirited and galvanizing speech to Dany about how to rise up and take the Iron Throne for- wait, I’m sorry? What? He said to not go for the Iron Throne? And stay in Essos forever? That sound you hear is the collective groan of everyone who watched this show ever. But, Tyrion does have a point. The Targaryen’s were one of Seven noble houses. When Robert’s Rebellion was in full swing, only two other Kingdoms were at their side: the Tyrells and the Martells. The Tyrell’s notoriously never join a losing effort, and the Martells would probably die before letting Rhaegar’s sister on the throne. So, it seems that the Iron Throne would require quite a bit of force to take back…which is a good thing for Dany (and us viewers) when that force is three fucking goddamn dragons.
And now, a quick interlude at Castle Black:
Olly: Can I speak to you in private Sam?
Sam: Sure Olly, what is it this time…
Olly: Why is Jon freeing the Wildlings? They killed my-
Sam: Oh, shut the fuck up already Olly, okay? “They killed my parents and ate them. Wah wah wah.” That’s what you sound like. You think you’re the only one with dead parents, Olly?
Olly: No, but they’re evil! They killed everyone I know!
Sam: Oh my Gods, can you go one line of dialogue without mentioning that? They’re really not that bad.
Olly: You’re just saying that because you banged out with one.
Sam: Damn right. You should welcome those Wildlings, maybe you’ll stop whining for a bit and bang out too.
Olly: I’m like 10.
Sam: That’s like 40 in Westeros, go to Mole’s Town and get that sorted out.
Olly: The Wildlings killed everyone in Mole’s Town…
Sam: SHUT THE FUCK UP, OLLY!
Man, turns out I got off easy.Moving on, Jon and Tormund ventured to Hardhome to meet with the Wildlings and save them from a much more imminent death than anticipated. After a brief reunion where Tormund turned the Lord of Bones into the Lord of Broken Skull Fragments and Brain Matter, Jon attempted to convince some Wildlings that he was totes sorry and they should be BFFs for reals now. Predictably they don’t take this well, especially since none of these Wildlings have met Jon Snow, and none of them have been seen before. I mean, that one chick looks familiar. Not sure if I’ve forgotten where I’ve seen her from OH MY GOD:
SHE’S FROM PITCH PERFECT 2!Unfortunately for her, singing covers of Fall Out Boy to the White Walkers doesn’t really go over well, as her and most of the Wildlings present get fucking dominated by ice zombies. Obviously, this is a lot to talk about, so I’m going to break it down in 10 points.
1) So the White Walkers can seemingly unleash a fog that immediately turns everyone into screaming stabby skeletons? Thank the Gods the fog’s weakness is 10 foot tall wooden gates. Would be a shame if that would’ve acted like every other fog ever known and just gone through that clearly not air tight fence (considering they, you know, LOOKED THROUGH IT).
2) I’m pretty sure if I was a Wildling, I would’ve killed all the Thenns just on principle. If there’s a chance you could eat me, you’re not allowed to be my neighbor.
4) The minute the German chick from Pitch Perfect 2 puts her kids on the boat, she’s a goner. Human beings are so predictable.
5) Okay, are we just going to assume wights (the official name for the risen dead) play by most zombie rules and you just need to destroy the head? Or was it just ambiguous in that giant fight? Like, I thought only fire destroyed them? I’m guessing all those zombie parts were probably still twitching around, but the camera just didn’t have time to show them.
6) Also, if that was Jon Snow’s sword, I guess Valyrian steel also kills White Walkers? Given that off the top of my head, I can only think of three people with a Valyrian steel sword (Jon, Brienne, and I’m guessing Tommen has Joffrey’s), I’m not sure that’ll be super relevent…until Brienne and Sansa lead a charge to save Bran from the White Walkers!
7) When all those wights made like lemmings and spilled off the cliff, did you really think they were all dead, Jon? I would’ve been halfway to that boat if I was them. I also probably would’ve died way before that if I was them.
8) Seriously, I could watch a giant hit zombies with tree trunks all day. And not to mention just walking across the fucking ocean when you’re done. Who needs boats? Fuck you, Gendry.
9) After the Night’s King dramatically raises all the dead into his army, isn’t it a little funny for them to cut back and see Jon’s boat like literally 50 feet away? I think I’d have a little more urgency on getting my ass the hell out of there.
10) Edd Tollett survived that shit? What an upset! That has to be the biggest surprise survival of a minor character being in danger in the show right? Like seriously, you probably already forgot his name, and I just mentioned it 3 sentences ago. Kid’s got First Ranger written all over him the minute Alliser dies.
Come at me, Snow.And now for my concerns. I touched on the lack of villains in last week’s post, and obviously the White Walkers have been groomed to be the Big Bad of the series. But my concerns lie with whether that is a good thing or not. Before I get pelted with tomatoes, let’s get something straight. Was that battle awesome? You bet your ass it was. Two or three years from now, when we’re watching HBO blow its entire budget on CGI dragons torching CGI White Walkers, will that be epic? Yes, yes it will. But does that make everything else irrelevant? If I told you 2 seasons ago that Tyrion and Dany would meet in this episode, you’d think that was a momentous occasion. Now, it feels like an afterthought. Why do I care who the king is if the White Walkers are just going to wipe everyone out? So what if Stannis or Littlefinger gain control of the North if there’s constant zombie attacks every episode?
The White Walkers are not cut from the cloth of the villains I like. Their motivation remains mysterious. You can’t say they’re brainless, since they clearly are intelligent and methodical. So why take over Westeros? When they bring winter all the way to Dorne, what then? Just chill out and build some igloos? The best villains in zombie movies/shows are rarely the zombies themselves, but the villains people become when faced with an apocalypse. But, that’s clearly not what’s going on here, the zombies ARE the villains. Hopefully they surprise me when their intentions and motivations are revealed, and I’ll happily fall in line with everyone else.
But clearly I’m just overthinking all this, as “Hardhome” was easily the most entertaining episode of this season. And Episode 9 is next week. Traditionally, it is usually the best or one of the best episodes of the season. Here’s hoping this trend doesn’t end.
The original Pitch Perfect has turned into a bit of a cult classic. The surface layer seemed to promise an a capella chick flick that boyfriends were going to get dragged to across the country. Seriously, did this poster make you think this was going to be a good movie? But, after digging in, a script written by a seasoned 30 Rock writer and a truly hilarious cast emerged. When there were details of a sequel in production, I became excited about the prospects of new songs to sing obnoxiously, new one-liners to reference with my friends, and new ways to be even more in love with Anna Kendrick. And depending what you liked from Pitch Perfect 1, you may have gotten exactly what you wanted from Pitch Perfect 2. Or, you could’ve wildly missed the mark. So, here is your plot-spoiler free winners and losers guide to Pitch Perfect 2.
Winners: Fans of the Announcers
The irreverent announcers from Pitch Perfect 1 are back (predictably, since Elizabeth Banks directed the sequel), and are better than ever. The really let them off the leash and let them spew some vile shit. It really livens up the movie, and is especially useful in setting up the competitions which (as we’ll get to) were a little more lackluster than last time around. I’d honestly watch them commentate on anything. Like, if they got the producers from shows like Dance Moms and Toddlers in Tiaras to sign off on letting them do DVD commentary, I would buy the shit out of those DVDs.
Losers: Fans of Jesse (and the rest of the Treblemakers)
The original Pitch Perfect gave us the most suave, gorgeous, perfect man in the history of cinema in Skylar Astin’s Jesse. Dude killed the whole movie, from his lethal one-liners to his shimmy during the riff-off. I’m like only 20% jealous he gets to make out with Anna Kendrick at the end because he is thousands of times cooler than I will ever be. But, after parlaying his new found perfection for a TBS sitcom and the wrong co-star named Anna, Jesse finds himself benched for most of the movie. He basically gets replaced by Keegean-Michael Key, who fills the role of Beca’s foil and provides some of the best comedy in the movie. But while that’s a plus, it’s a major letdown to see Jesse reduced to such a lesser role. In some parts I get it…his meet-cute days are over, and all he can be is a supportive boyfriend. Doesn’t mean you have to give him background work with no good lines, probably the worst a capella arrangement in the movie, and make his only call back moment that one time he calls out Beca’s name like a bird. Looks like he got *clap clap* CUT OFF.
Winners: People who like the one-off jokes
There were a lot of non-sequitur jokes in the first Pitch Perfect, most of which came from Lilly. This got ramped up hard in the sequel. Lilly essentially becomes a parody of herself, doing nothing but seeming absolutely psychopathic for the duration of her involvement. They also add a Guatemalan Bella whose sole purpose is to guilt shame everyone who complains about how hard their lives are. Both work fine in their own ways, but they start to feel cheap near the end. They also, essentially turn Benji into this, with his entire plotline being forced with no conflict and a tossed in resolution near the end. His sole purpose is to say something awkward and walk away.
Losers: Jessica and Ashley
Same shit, different day.
Maybe next time, ladies!
Winners: Lovers of all-female pillow fights and lesbian experimentation
I mean, at least as much of a winner as you can be in a PG-13 movie.
Losers: Fans of the a capella arrangements
I may get some flack for this, but after the high bar set from the first movie, the second movie falls flat. Take the riff-off for example. In the first one, the flow of the songs were the highlight, a musical ping-pong match that got you so caught up in the moment, you forgot that weird Madonna team never officially got eliminated. This time, the riff-off has five teams. However, less is more since the riff-off can’t take up like 30 minutes in a 2 hour movie, so every round features a stilted 2 or 3 songs and the rhythm never really gets going. And outside of both the German teams’ arrangements, most of the arrangements just didn’t do it for me, and the Bellas’ final doesn’t seem like the epic finale like the last movie. Overall, Pitch Perfect 2 is probably as funny or funnier than Pitch Perfect 1. But as a movie, it’s a little flat.
(Spoiler Warning for all Game of Thrones TV material up to and including this episode.)
If each Game of Thrones episode was a drag race, the sixth episode of each season tends to be the one where the writers hit the nitrous button. The race itself is always exciting, but this is the moment that tends to make or break a season. In the past seasons, episode 6 has given us Ned Stark discovering that Robert is NOT the father, two demands for a trial by combat, Jon Snow first meeting Ygritte, and Dany getting really upset about something:
This episode certainly had its nitrous moments. The race isn’t over yet, but some plot lines are speeding towards a conclusion. But while it was barreling forward, it also hit some bumps in the road that could be leading to a catastrophe. So now, in pure contradiction to this paragraph, let’s start with the most boring part of the episode.
In an episode where many people are kidnapped or arrested, the one I want freed is there on their own free will. A lot of people (I was among them) were jacked up for the return of Jaqen H’ghar and the promise of Arya becoming a Faceless Man. Instead we’ve been treated to Arya being bitched out by the two people who can be spared lines and giving lots of dead body sponge baths. I mean, I get it. Should’ve seen the Karate Kid treatment coming, waxing on and off bodies as Jaqen Miyagi tells her she’s not ready. I guess I just expected a little more intrigue, maybe more recruits to form rivalries with Arya or something. Instead, we’re subjected to Arya washing a dead body, getting repeatedly physically assaulted by a grown man, tricking a small girl into killing herself, and touching the face of a decapitated head in a room full of thousands of decapitated heads. And would you believe me that none of those scenes were even near the most fucked up thing that happened this episode? Moving on…
After contracting Greyscale and finding out his father is dead, you would think things couldn’t get much worse for Jorah. Greyscale is pretty much a death sentence and his father, Jeor, only joined the Night’s Watch because of the shame Jorah brought to his family, which was ironically, through slave trading. But now, since they were captured by Mr. Eko, it seems like Jorah is just on a downward spiral. As always, Tyrion steals the scene, this time saving himself not by offering his family fortune (like last time), but by having a huge dick. Maybe his head wasn’t the best part of him after all…
And now, a brief interlude to character purgatory:
Bran Stark: Varys, welcome to purgatory!
Varys: Where the hell am I? Last thing I remember I was sitting in a brothel trying to figure out why they were so appealing, and then I ended up here.
Bran: Yeah, this is where characters with no story go to chill out for a while. Jorah really wanted out, so he kidnapped your boy Tyrion, and here you are.
Varys: Well that sucks, but I guess it’s better than being dead.
Balon Greyjoy: You can say that again!
Varys: Who else is here?
Bran: Well, Osha and Rickon have been here the longest. Hot Pie spends most of his time here. Meera is moping in the corner. Lancel Lannister had been here for years until just recently. Also, Thoros of Myr-
Hodor: HODOR!
Bran: Yeah, and Hodor is here.
Hodor (smugly): Hodor!
Bran: That never gets old.
Varys: Anyone else?
Bran: People have said they’ve seen the Hound limping around, but I’ll believe it when I see it. Also, like every living Tully and Frey.
Varys (painfully): Ah, SHIT! That dog fucking bit me!
Bran: Oh yeah, that’s Nymeria, she’s been here like the whole time, that’s all she’s good for.
Varys: Anything else I should know about?
Bran: Well there’s this one guy, that no one likes, because he constantly keeps-
Gendry:
Speaking of character purgatory, Olenna “Queen of Thorns” Tyrell finally returned this week, meaning that the sunny King’s Landing was about to get some shade. But while Lady Olenna would destroy Cersei in an episode of Wild ‘n Out, all she could do was watch while the Faith Militant put both her grandchildren behind bars. I have a few quick tangents to go on, so bare with me:
This caption belongs to Petyr Bae-*smack*
1) If Olyvar (the guy who’s sole job seems to be to inform people that the brothel is owned by Petyr Baelish and then immediately get assaulted) was Loras’ squire, couldn’t he plausibly have dressed him? I mean, Lancel did it for Robert in Season 1! Maybe that’s how he saw the Dorne-shaped birthmark on his thigh? I understand it’s hard to think under pressure like that, but surely if you just keep denying it, that can’t be enough proof to settle a he-said/she-said argument? Then again, the Faith Militant don’t exactly seem like the type that care about due process.
2) Margaery: Tommen! They arrested Loras, do something!
Tommen: Uh…
Margaery: Now they’re arresting me!
Tommen: Uh…
Margaery: And they’re killing everyone in the streets!
Tommen: Uh…
Margaery: And the whole city is on fire!
Tommen: Uh…
Margaery: And I forgot to feed Ser Pounce!
Tommen: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
3) Cersei is a well constructed villain that is very fun to root against, but even I’m bothered by how obvious this plot line is going. Sure, Cersei is clearly trying to be her father, someone she is too arrogant and not clever enough to be. And sure, pretending to not know what the Sparrows are up to might fly with your spineless teen-aged son, but you can’t expect the Tyrells to take this lying down? Olenna may be known for her barbs, but she’s also rich and has an army. Remember Sam’s dad who Stannis mentioned a couple episodes ago? He fights for the Tyrells. Cersei may think she’s won, but she’ll be sorely mistaken when she gets abandoned by the Tyrells and the Faith Militant shockingly start playing by their own rules in the next few weeks.
Good, good. Nice and slow, no need for anyone to get hurt.
Okay, so I saved the worst two parts for last. Now, I have not read the books, and will not spoil anything for the TV show that hasn’t been stated in the show. But book people kept telling me how great the Sand Snakes were and they mostly seem PO’d over the way they’ve been portrayed. I don’t blame them, since right now they look like scrubs. They just got handled by 2 dudes with 3 hands. Sure, Bronn got nicked by one of them. Does that mean he’ll die? No, of course- wait what? They poison their blades? Oh for fucks sake…
Listen. If Bronn dies because of them, that does not make them scary or threatening. It makes them seem lucky. Right now they seem like some mooks that just bother the real heroes, like Team Rocket, Draco Malfoy, or those weird garbage dogs from CatDog. But they’re not interesting. They’re not badass, they’re not funny, and they’re not sexy. Basically, they’re not Oberyn.
In Winterfell, some fucking bullshit happened. The writers of Game of Thrones are usually on point. But after this scene (and this interview), things are not looking good. I mean, is it realistic to the characters? Sure. Do worse things happen in the books? It certainly seems so. Do we need to see this scene in a visual medium? Fuck. No. Here’s the good thing for Sansa and the Starks. Ramsay’s getting his head fucking spiked. Stannis is rolling in, and if that doesn’t somehow park his ass, Littlefinger has made damn sure Cersei will take them down, and put her good ol’ uncle in charge! Finally, Sansa can be at peace, and her and Littlefinger can…oh wait shit, best case scenerio she ends up with Littlefinger? This guy? THIS FUCKING GUY? Arya, stop playing with severed heads and save your goddamn sister!
That’s mercifully all for this week, and as always, don’t be named “the Tickler.”
(Spoilers up until the current episode of Game of Thrones.)
Man, I hope everyone likes the North, cause we got a lot of that this week. Skipping out on King’s Landing (one of only 3 episodes in the series to not feature the capital), the focus was squarely on those in the colder and coldest parts of Westeros. And the stories of Castle Black and Winterfell may be entangled soon as Stannis has begun to march on the Boltons. But before everyone starts swinging their dicks around trying to decide whether Roose’s or Ramsay’s head will look better on a spike, you need to realize what world we’re watching. Shall we have a quick recap of the moments where people were seemingly about to get their comeuppance?
It’s much more likely that Davos is gonna end up flayed while Princess Shireen is forced to watch.
There’s a joke here about Shakira and Pinocchio…
Speaking of being forced to watch, Ramsay is commanding Michael Scott levels of awkwardness at the table. But after Ramsay dropped Reek’s marionette, he got a surprise from dear old dad: he’s gonna be a brother. Now, here’s some knowledge for those who don’t know/haven’t paid close attention/forgot: Ramsay was a brother already. Roose had a true-born son that mysteriously died. It’s assumed Ramsay had a part in it. Now, it’s true that Ramsay is indeed a legitimized son of Roose Bolton. But, Roose controls his own heir. Kinda like how Renly figured he should get the throne just cause he and Loras thought Stannis was a shithead. So Roose could double back on Ramsay and call this child his heir. And that’s a thorn in Ramsay’s side the size of Myranda’s hipbone.
Also, to celebrate Mother’s Day, Game of Thrones gave us the weirdest, sociopathic, oddly heartfelt father son moment of all time. They couldn’t have missed the mark more. It is funny that Roose doesn’t so much mind that his son is a psychopathic serial killer, he just doesn’t like that he’s being a shitbag all the time. Especially since Roose is basically a serial killer himself, so you know, they can bond over that. He just wants Ramsay to know he cares for him, especially so Ramsay won’t kill him or his new child. Though, I’m not sure Roose’s story about raping his mother and almost killing him was as touching to Ramsay as Roose hoped it would be.
Over in Mereen, Dany provided the music video that should’ve been for that Fall Out Boy song. After Barristan Selmy got shanked in an alley, Dany decided to throw a bunch of the old slave masters to her dragons. She ended up only roasting one, but it was still pretty effed up. And if you’re feeling sorry for the one that did die, don’t. Homeboy should’ve thought that situation out and gone to the sides. Let’s break it down. You’re in a straight line getting bumped forward by spears. Can’t change that, but that doesn’t mean you can’t increase your chances of survival. Here’s a very detailed chart proving my point:
It is clear the slave masters on the edges are much safer from Zak and Wheezie.
It is clear the edge slavers are farther away from the dragons, meaning they are less likely to be targeted or even get residual burns. Also, Dany’s not walking around a lot, and she’s not gonna push her beau, Hipster zoo Lorax or whatever his name is. Easily survivable encounter, if you just use your head. Much like the men’s bathroom, it’s all about positioning.
Where’s Rick Grimes when you need him…
And now we land with Tyrion and Jorah, who took a wrong turn in ancient Valyria and found themselves in an episode of the Walking Dead. Seriously, ice zombies weren’t enough, they had to toss in some stone ones too. So evidently, the Stone Men are what happens if Princess Scaleface just got that shit everywhere like the worst case of poison ivy (note: I tried to find an image for that and ended up clawing my eyes out). And it’s evidently super contagious, since just getting touched is a death sentence. That’s hardcore. Walking Dead would’ve ended after 4 episodes if you couldn’t even be touched. And that would’ve been awful, since the Walking Dead now employees like half the cast of The Wire.
And finally, a reenactment of Jon talking to Olly about bringing the Wildlings south of the Wall:
Jon: Olly, be honest, you’re cool with this right?
Olly: THEY KILLED MY GODDAMN PARENTS!
Jon: Yeah, I know how that feels, my dad was killed.
Olly: Oh, I’m sorry, did you watch your dad die?
Jon: Well, no, but-
Olly: And watch your mom get hacked to death by a giant axe-wielding cannibal?
Jon: Well, funny thing about my mom is-
Olly: And then watch everyone you’ve ever known get slaughtered?
Jon: I mean, my brother got murdered recently, and his wife, who I heard was sorta hot, and-
Olly: Oh, and then one of them had the decency to tell me HE WAS GOING TO EAT MY PARENTS!
(Spoilers ahead for the all of Game of Thrones up to the latest episode, you have been warned.)
Action sequences are relatively common in Game of Thrones. From high scale battles like the Battle of Blackwater and Castle Black to duels where beloved characters seem to lose more often than not, violence can be almost assured each episode, adding a thrilling sequence that threatens characters we know and love. This week we were treated to a couple of action sequences, with varying levels of intrigue and emotion. Most viewers probably didn’t think Bronn and Jaime were gonna get dropped by a few Dornish scrubs, but the entire fight involving Grey Worm (captain Unsullied) and Barristan Selmy (that other old guy that hangs out with Dany) was built up to be suspenseful, and ultimately delivered.
“I couldn’t kill myself if I tried”
Now, here’s the underlying thing about Game of Thrones that we’ve learned through 4 1/2 seasons: not everyone is truly as vulnerable as the show would want you to believe. Some people are currently untouchable. Now, I know what you’re thinking: “But they killed off Ned Stark, the star of the whole show.” Yes. They did. Most of the deaths in Game of Thrones conclude story lines to create room for new ones. And while most people couldn’t have predicted that characters like Robb and Cat Stark would be subjected to a drive-by, their plots weren’t absolutely dire. Robb dies and people are sad, but all that means is he can’t avenge his father or rule the North. Joffrey dies and people are happy, but it makes sense, since King’s Landing needed a shake up. If Dany dies, you feel like a huge section of the plot was absolutely pointless…that’s not shocking, that’s frustrating. That’s infuriating. And most importantly, that’s bad storytelling. So, for the current future, Dany’s life is not in danger, even if her state of well-being isn’t necessarily promising. But that list of untouchables is shockingly short. Dany and Jon Snow are probably the only two completely untouchable characters. And I wouldn’t bet on Arya, Sansa, Tyrion, or Cersei dying anytime soon. But Jaime? Probably not, but who knows? Even people seemingly building to something could die. Littlefinger looks poised to be a major villain, but his death could spark Sansa to become a major political player. Sacrificing a character to motivate or intrigue another is a classic plot device. Currently, it seems as though a lot of people are being isolated, and now seemingly losing Barristan Selmy and perhaps Grey Worm, Dany is looking weaker than ever. This should work out nicely for the approaching Jorah and Tyrion to bulk up her posse…if she isn’t mad that one betrayed her and the other is the son of the man responsible for killing her family.
“This doesn’t mean we can’t sex later, right?”
And Margaery, dear Margaery. What did I tell you about pissing off Cersei? Bone Zone. Well, the pleasantries are over and the swords are out. Cersei started by granting Mace Tyrell the opportunity to travel to Braavos representing the King. And how nice of her to send Meryn Trant with him! I wish I could buy stock in someone clumsily falling overboard with concrete for shoes. Speaking of the Bone Zone, Loras Tyrell also got arrested because homosexuality goes over about as well in Westeros as it goes over in Qatar. And when King Tommen the Brave and Ruthless walks over to bitch out the High Sparrow to assist his demanding (and extremely attractive) wife, he turns into more King Tommen the Let’s All Just Get Along and Nobody Stab Anyone. Doesn’t have a good ring to it. The best part of this subplot is Maergary saying she’ll contact Olenna. For those of you who can’t recall the name, Olenna is Maergary’s grandmother. You know, the one that fucking killed Joffrey. Take it away, Martin Lawrence:
You all seem nice, hey do you know-wait, what’re you doing with those scorpions? OH NO!
Meanwhile, in Dorne, Jaime proved much more adept at catching a sword with his hand than the Hound did. I’m liking the Jaime and Bronn partnership. But I can’t help but worry that this is Bronn’s swan song. You don’t introduce an entire new family to be bug bait. And the Sand Snakes aren’t fucking around. Let’s recap, shall we? A ship captain offered one of the Sand Snakes information for a fee. Obara, taking offense to the notion that she had to pay for information in her own land, took him prisoner, buried him up to his neck in sand, and put a basket of scorpions on his head. It’s also probably like 100 degrees out there, which I’m sure is the least of his worries. Especially when the most of his worries definitely included getting a spear chucked through his dome. Good luck, Braime!
Quick interlude to the Wall…
Melisandre: Jon, we need you.
Jon: Nah, I’m good.
Melisandre: What if we bang?
Jon: Nah, I’m good.
Melisandre: C’mon, I’m your type!
Jon: Nah, I’m good.
Melisandre: I know you wanna bang!
Jon: Nah, I’m good.
Melisandre: You know nothing, Jon Snow.
Also, as much as Stannis has a pretty serious case of Westeros Asperger’s syndrome, his devotion to his daughter was touching and I’m not going to make jokes about it. What, no, I’m not crying! Moving on…
I could watch Tyrion plead to be untied all day. It’s such a classic little brother move. Anyway, things are not coming up on Jorah’s end. At least the dude is keeping his pimp hand strong. Speaking of pimps, after a little history lesson about Lyanna Stark (which will surely not be at all relevant to the overall plot), Littlefinger is bailing on Sansa and she is on her own. Obviously, the Don has his own agenda, but I was surprised to see it included leaving the offspring of the woman he loved all his life in the hands of Ramsay Snow. I’m sure she’ll be fine. Wait, what’s that Ramsay?
Spoiler Warning up front, cannot contain my excitement to get through the first paragraph without spoiling anything. Watch this episode before reading this.
Watching Game of Thrones last night was just fantastic. It had everything I love: Natalie Dormer getting naked. A total dickbag getting his head chopped off. Ramsay Snow and Littlefinger scheming (with each other!). Tyrion delivering great lines. And Natalie Dormer getting naked. “High Sparrow” wasn’t necessarily a memorable episode; it will probably go down as the least memorable wedding episode in the series. However, it was a joy from start to finish, leaving viewers in that perfect balance of satisfied and craving more.
We’ll start in the House of Black and White where…something…happened. I don’t know. What do you expect? It’s all mysterious and broody there. First, Arya chucked her old clothes (stashing Needle, which would’ve been the biggest loss of this season so far, with all due respect to Mance Rayder) and gave a dead dude a sponge bath. You know, classic assassin training. Wax on, wax off type shit. I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt that they’re building to something.
Sansa! Babe! You got this!Speaking of building to something, holy shit has the North gone from 0 to 60. My boy Ramsay comes in fresh off getting legit and flays a whole family in front of some scrub to get him to pay taxes. And what are the consequences of these heinous actions? THE ABILITY TO MARRY SANSA FUCKING STARK! Littlefinger and the Boltons working together is kinda like seeing Vladimir Putin siding with ISIS. But, unfortunately for Littlefinger, Roose Bolton ain’t no scrub. Shockingly, someone who stabs his allies in the back (or, quite literally, in the front) doesn’t take kindly to secrets. Whatever Littlefinger has up his sleeve, Roose knows it probably doesn’t have his best interests in mind. But, we know what happens when you step to the Don, Petyr Baelish… (that video has NSFW lyrics that might not be expected)
At the Wall, something incredible is happening. For those of you who don’t know my feelings personally, I’m not a big Jon Snow fan. Yes, I cheer for him to succeed, he’s the good guy. But he’s a first ballot mopey bastard hall of famer that is only good at hitting things with pointy sticks and knowing nothing. Really, the only thing he had going for him was his taste in women, and that didn’t turn out so hot for him either. But I have a confession. I…like Jon Snow. Like, like him like him. He kinda grew on me the end of last season, and this season he seemed to be gaining a level of not giving a shit that really endeared him to my heart. Now, it may be a little easy to get on my good side when you’re decapitating one of the shittiest guys on the show while he cries and begs for mercy, but I honestly didn’t think he was going to do it. Like, when it happened, my first reaction was like “Oh shit, can he do that?” I mean, he’s the Lord Commander, so I’m guess he can pretty much do whatever the fuck he wants now. And it seems like that’s how shits gonna roll at the Wall from now on. And I’m on board with that.
And now, a brief interlude with Podrick and Brienne of Tarth:
Brienne: How’d you hook up with half-man?
Pod: Shit, I almost got hanged, but luckily I’m family with that creepy executioner dude with no tongue, so Papa Lannister pardoned me and tossed me to his son.
Brienne: That blows.
Pod: Actually, it was pretty chill.
Brienne: I’m sorry I’ve been such a B.
Pod: It’s cool.
Brienne: I’ll teach you how to suck less.
Pod: That’s probably something Renly Baratheon never taught you.
Brienne: You don’t know shit about Renly.
Pod: I know he pushed shit into Loras.
Brienne: What would you even know about sex anyway?
Speaking of explicit sexual acts, the Sparrows decided to flog the High Septum for getting his brothel on, which, shockingly, is frowned upon when you’re the highest ranking church official in King’s Landing. So now the High Sparrow is stepping up to a position of power, which I’m sure will be a major plot for the season. I’ll be honest, seeing a naked old man get flogged would’ve really bummed me out if I hadn’t just seen Natalie Dormer consummating her marriage to the luckiest 18 year old in fiction and real life. But as great as this was for fans of Margaery Tyrell, her victory lap over Cersei is putting her in the Bone Zone…and not the good one. This Bone Zone is less wedding night and more Red Wedding night. Here, for your viewing pleasure, are the current inhabitants of the Bone Zone:
Margaery Tyrell
Sorry Queen Mother, we’re not raging alcoholics that drink wine at 9AM, especially after I’ve been plowing your son all night…Girl. You’re throwing more heat than Pedro Martinez in the late 90s. But you gotta slow down. Cersei Lannister is coming at you like a heat-seeking missile and you’re on fire. You can go along breaking sex records with Tommen. And feel free to parade around Flea Bottom making your rounds as the Queen who cares. But stop tormenting this psychopath! You’ll be pushing up the very flowers your house uses for its sigil. And underground is the last place most of the male (and a good portion of the female) viewership want your body to be.
Myrcella and Tommen Baratheon
Last time these two shared a scene, they were both played by younger actors. Bet that Tommen wishes he kept that gig.It’s not a good day when you have a bunch of angry women called the Sand Snakes after you, especially when they are the daughters of Oberyn Fucking Martell (here’s the scene with the Lannister’s in the Brothel so we can all remember better times). And it’s also not a good day when you’re on top of the world in a George R.R. Martin novel. As I’ve stated before, Tommen can’t possibly be the king at the end of all this. And not to mention, the weird witchy oracle in episode 1 stated to Cersei, regarding her children, “gold will be their crowns, gold will be their shrouds,” which sounds an awful lot like all Cersei’s offspring are getting offed this spring.
Pick a Bolton, Any Bolton
This has got to be the worst version of the Lion King I’ve ever seen…As much as I enjoy the foil that is the Bolton family, with Sansa getting involved and Roose strong arming Littlefinger, I don’t much expect the Bolton’s to be around that much longer. They may very well survive the season, but with the threat of Littlefinger’s thirst for power and Sansa’s thirst for revenge looming, Roose could find himself getting a taste of his own medicine soon. And let’s be real, no one would be shocked if Ramsay did him in either. You know what he says…
Myranda (Ramsay Bolton’s…girlfriend?)
The only other person that likes Ramsay besides me.You might remember her from such hits as getting Theon’s dick hard so it could be chopped off, shooting an innocent girl with an arrow so she could be ripped apart by dogs, and throttling Ramsay Snow while engaging in sexual intercourse. Now she’s giving the stink eye to Sansa Stark for “stealing her man.” Yeah, I’m sure that’s gonna work out great for you. Ramsay totally seems like the guy that likes clingy chicks that interfere with his master plans.
Balon Greyjoy
My job is mostly being a shitty father and receiving sex organs in the mail.Obviously, he’s not really in the picture right now, but remember, Stannis dropped 3 of those lucky Gendry leeches in the fire. He’s 2 for 3 so far…and something tells me Balon’s not escaping the power of the Lord of Light. Honestly, his best chance at survival is probably the writer’s general ambivalence towards any Greyjoy storyline right now.
You know who’s not in the Bone Zone? Tyrion Lannister. Sure, he got kidnapped after walking around Volantis in broad daylight like some stupid vampire trying to get caught. But, c’mon. He got caught by Jorah. You think the Game of Thrones guys are gonna pop off the Dink just to give Jorah a cool moment of redemption? Please. Like they’d kill the main character just to make one shitty character more of a douche-oh shit.
Shut Up Bender 
