For The Watchers: S6E7 “The Broken Man”

June 6, 2016June 7, 2016 ~ Sam Holt ~ Leave a comment

*Spoilers up to this episode of Game of Thrones*

Game of Thrones this week was pretty simple. People still hate the Lannisters, Arya spent two seasons training to be an assassin then promptly forgot everything and got herself stabbed, and the Hound came back to spend 20 minutes chopping wood. That’s all, see you next week.

…

Hey, if the writers can just say “pass” this week and mail it in so can I!

…

…Fine, I guess there’s more to break down but man, did they just lay a 50 minute fart of an episode. The big story (and great news) is that Sandor Clegane has returned. And he’s just ~~fucking tearing the Riverlands a new asshole~~…uh…chopping wood solemnly, super not hearing the blood curdling screams of like 60 people. Look, I know he’s got one bad ear, but c’mon. I think he can here a bunch of assholes just raining arrows on his Sinners Anonymous crew. Speaking of those assholes, is that the Brotherhood Without Banners? You know, those puckish outlaws, banded together to dick over the Mountain, benevolently kidnapping Arya and resurrecting dudes the Hound killed? I mean, they never seemed virtuous Ned Stark types, waving around honor and bad decision making. But, if that was them, it’s certainly an escalation to go from stealing some supplies from villages to murdering an entire village for having the gall to not be extort-able. Perhaps we’ll see next week, when Sandor Clegane is hopefully chopping more than wood.

Speaking of chopping wood, Theon Greyjoy is potentially showing signs of life after a “some bad years.” I’d be happy to see snarky, ~~cocksure~~ confident Theon Greyjoy back, especially with him and Yara seemingly accelerating towards becoming the missing piece to Dany’s conquest. Speaking of old Theon coming back, let’s take a quick glance at other characters I wish could rise from the dead, or, in one case, just fucking float ashore:

5) Tywin Lannister

Man, if we could will this heartless bastard back to life, I would do it just to see what kind of death he serve the Sparrows. It would be hard to top what he did to the Reynes of Castamere (not directly told in the show…he locked their subterranean stronghold and filled it with water), but he really needs a new song.

4) Ygritte

At the time, her death seemed necessary, since the Wildlings and the Night’s Watch were mortal enemies. But now, they’re best buds and the little shit that killed her is doing his best Casper the vengeful ghost impression. Poor Jon Snow has no luck…though Kit Harrington is doing a little better.

3) Gendry

My affinity to our Westerosi Magellan is well documented. I hope he’s just with the Brotherhood…then again, after this week, maaaaaaybe not.

We could’ve had this guy on the Iron Throne for 4 seasons now. Instead we a dope that’s only redeemable quality is he likes cats.

2) Renly Baratheon

Gone over 4 seasons ago, it’s easy to forget how dope Renly Baratheon was. Most only remember him being the gay guy that wouldn’t fuck Natalie Dormer. But he’s snarky. He’s brash. And he’ll tell you what he fucking thinks. Too bad he’s not a diplomat. Plus, it would’ve been him uncomfortably getting the sex talk from the High Sparrow, instead of newly pious Margaery Tyrell being told be an ancient man to fuck a child.

1) Oberyn Martell

This list should actually have 3 spaces between Renly and Oberyn just to properly illustrate how far ahead Oberyn is to everyone else. COME BACK OBERYN! WE TOOK YOU FOR GRANTED! AND YOUR DAUGHTERS ARE TOTAL BULLSHIT! FUUUUUUUUUUUU-

Meanwhile, in the Riverlands:

Jaime: Blackfish, surrender now and your men shall be spared.

Blackfish: Dude, you literally have made like 5 promises and 2 oaths, and you just take shits all over them. So much for “A Lannister always-”

Bronn: DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE.

Jaime: But, like, I mean it this time.

Blackfish: You got a free pass to King’s Landing, and my niece got a knife to the throat.

Jaime: I’d hardly call losing my hand a free pass…

Blackfish: And you didn’t even have the decency to do what Catelyn asked!

Jaime: Yeah, but the Boltons stole Sansa! Go talk to them! I ain’t pissing that kid off, he’s probably skinning a child alive right now for fun!

Blackfish: And what about Arya?

Jaime: That girl has literally been trying to be not a person for like, 3 seasons.

Blackfish: What?

Jaime: Hmm?

Blackfish: You sound like my nephew. Mayor of Sucktown, Captain of the U.S.S. Shit for Brains.

Bronn: Hey, you have to admit, that dude fucks.

Blackfish: You’d have a better time threatening to hang Bronn; no way the audience would let him die.

Bronn: Wait, what?

Blackfish: Doesn’t matter, I’m not going to give you the castle. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to spend the next two years practicing my super cool shoot-an-arrow-and-walk-away move. You have no idea how often that comes up.

Moving on to Arya, who seemingly left her brain at the House of Black and White. Arya, I’m going to list the people that have called you “sweet girl” in the show:

Jaqen H’ghar

That’s it. You know they’re trying to kill you and you know they can look like anyone. The minute you hear “sweet girl” you put your knees to the breeze and hoof it out of there. You certainly don’t turn, smile, and take a fucking knife to the chest from the first old lady you see. Also, when walking around with a critical stab wound, it might be in your best interest to ask someone for help. Like literally, just a soft “help me” or even “I’ve been stabbed multiple times in vital organs, I’d probably be dying if it wasn’t for me probably being intricate to the plot somehow, but somebody needs to provide me with medical assistance to better suspend the audience’s disbelief.” Either or, really.

Quick Hits:

If you were wondering where your pants are, she’s wearing them.

I’m shocked the church wants a 14 year-old boy to have sex.
Saying Theon has had a some bad years is like saying the Red Wedding didn’t go as planned.
How did it take 6 seasons for Lyanna Mormont to be a character? She’s like Arya without being diluted by Stark incompetence.
If Lyanna Mormont had been Ned Stark’s 4th natural-born child instead of Bran, we wouldn’t even need the Wall anymore. She’d also be able to walk.
If Lyanna Mormont were at the Red Wedding, it would’ve been known as “The Slightly Inconvenient Wedding” or “The Last Frey Wedding” or “King Robb Stark’s Wedding.” Maybe not that last one, she’s not a miracle worker.
Cersei: I’d never abandon my son.
Olenna: You would if he looked like this.
I wish I had enough money to pay for things in “arrogantly tossing a bag of coins.”
Yara: “I’m sorry, I won’t joke about your penis if it bothers you. But seriously, kill yourself.”
Casting Ian McShane to play a Septon is like casting Jack McBrayer to play Ramsay Bolton. Actually, on second thought, that’s more terrifying, forget I said that.
Wildling: I think we should have cereal for breakfast!
Wun Wun: PANCAKES!
Wildling: Right, I’ll fetch the syrup.
If Jeor Mormont had birthed Lyanna Mormont instead of Jorah, Lyanna would be hand of the Queen to Danerys Targaryen and Game of Thrones would’ve been one season long. And no one would’ve had to suffer through this blog.

For the Watchers: S6E6 “Blood of My Blood”

May 31, 2016June 24, 2016 ~ Sam Holt ~ 1 Comment

Game of Thrones is known as a show of schemes and plots. The conniving minds of Westeros (and, unfortunately, Essos) usually come together to outwit, betray, and destroy their opposition. For the past 5 1/2 seasons, we’ve seen smooth moves from the likes of Tyrion, Littlefinger, Tywin, Varys, Dany, Olenna, Margaery, and even Cersei for a hot minute. It is also known as a show of death, famously nixing main character after main character, from Ned Stark all the way to Jon Snow the first time. And somehow, last Sunday we were treated to no schemes, no plots, and perhaps most shockingly, no deaths. Not even Bolton Knight #2 or even a Stark (Besides Ned, Catelyn, and Robb’s deaths all appearing in Bran’s memory explosion. Give the Starks credit, they even die in episodes where no one dies.). This is the first time no one has died in an episode since Season 3, Episode 7 (“The Bear and the Maiden Fair”). However, that was the episode where Theon got castrated, so I guess you can count Theon’s penis as a casualty.

So how did the notoriously bloody Game of Thrones survive with this sudden lack of death? Some good ol’ fashioned shit happening. Traveling for 5 episodes? Guess it’s time to steal your punk-ass dad’s ultra rare sword. Training to be an assassin for like 2 years? Fuck that, time to proudly proclaim your existence and slap some fucking rum out of some dumb broad’s hand and say “you’re welcome.” Haven’t seen some of your favorite characters in a few seasons? Guess what, we got ~~The Hound, Gendry, and Bronn~~ uh, Benjen Stark, Walder Frey, and Edmure Tully. Okay, so some of those returns were underwhelming, but man, business is beginning to pick up.

So, if Bran wasn’t satisfied fucking everything up again last week, he starts out this week by immediately fucking up again. Unfortunately, he gets saved by a particularly not alive Benjen Stark. I like how they hid his face for his introduction, then revealed his face like 98% of the audience expected to know who it was. On a good day, the average viewer will recognize Tommen, and that’s with the crown on his head. As much as I don’t like Bran, at least he’s the first line of defense against the White Walkers, and that’s good since that means I probably won’t have to see Bran much longer.

“Don’t worry, I left a note. And it says ‘GFY Dad. S my D.'”

Heading south, it turns out being a shitty father is just simply a Game of Thrones theme at this point. Like somehow Jaime banged his sister and pretends to be his kids’ uncle and he’s like a top 5 dad on the show. The more impressive thing is that Randyll Tarly basically said he would kill his son, called him fat, and treated what is essentially his step-daughter as less than human…and he’s still not even like bottom 3. Hey Randyll, burned any children lately? No? Had sex with any of them? Then you’re all right in my book. Sam then puts his big boy pants on and steals his father’s sword. His father’s fucking Valyrian steel sword. There’s like 5 of those left! They also conveniently kill White Walkers, which makes me believe Sam is not long for the Citadel. Sorry you couldn’t be a wizard bro.

Meanwhile, in King’s Landing:

High Sparrow: And now, Queen Margaery will begin her-

Jaime: Hey fuckboy, how ’bout you give us the queen back?

High Sparrow: I beg your pardon?

Olenna Tyrell: This plotline has grown stale. Literally no one likes you. You have a worse approval rating than Dorne.

High Sparrow: How dare you!

Olenna Tyrell: *shrugs*

Jaime: Listen, just give us Margaery, she can go back to having awkward sex scenes with Tommen and you guys can go brood in the background or something.

High Sparrow: Sure…I could do that…or…

*Tommen appears at High Sparrow’s side*

Audience: *groans collectively*

High Sparrow: What was that?

Jaime: That was the sound of literally everyone watching upset that this is still a thing.

High Sparrow: What’s wrong with the Sparrows?

Jaime: Do you think people look forward to Sundays because of church?

Tommen: Uncle Jaime, I am uniting the crown with the church in order to-

Jaime: For fuck’s sake, can you just die already? Let that boat kid be king for all I care.

Tommen: Uncle!

Jaime: You don’t know the half of it. We all know it’s coming, might as well get it over with. I’m about to go fight the Tully’s, I need some fucking sympathy before everyone hates me again.

Mace Tyrell: I’m a peacock.

Mace Tyrell: The Ralph Wiggum of Game of Thrones

Now we come to Arya Stark, who, contrary to past reports, does indeed exist. Sometimes you just need to almost kill a really nice lady before you figure out who you really are. That lady was so nice, she made CERSEI look sympathetic. Luckily for her, Arya sucks at poisoning more than Mace Tyrell does at appearing intelligent. But she doesn’t have to worry about that anymore since she’s got Needle back. I just hope that with the House of Black and White coming after her, that she can eviscerate the most arrogant body washer in the history of fiction and finally get her ass to Westeros. It does seem like everyone is finally getting to Westeros. Except Tyrion. And Gendry.

Randyll Tarly is trying so hard to be Tywin Lannister I half expected Sam to shoot him with a crossbow.
Gilly: “He’s a greater warrior than either of you will ever be.”
Dickon Tarly: “…the fuck did I do?”
I wanna meet the Dothraki that listened to Dany’s speech and was just like “Nah, I’m good.”
Honestly, what is stopping Cersei from just going on a Grand Theft Auto spree and then just calling for a Trial by Combat each time? Has she not thought of this? Don’t answer that.
Could’ve used Lady Crane’s acting in Dorne last year.
I have a book-assisted theory on who the new Lord Commander of the Kingsguard will be, but a huge part of me just wants to see Bronn walk out with a white cloak just casually eating an apple 100% not giving a shit.
Part of me will always be expecting Walder Frey to put Harry Potter in detention.
In all seriousness, Needle was by far the best return this week.
It occurred to me when I was watching Jaqen peel back a man’s face that it probably wasn’t a good idea to be rooting for that guy.
Dany needs a thousand ships? Let’s hope Yara is better at rowing than Gendry.

That’s our week. Here’s hoping Arya escapes to Westeros next week, and just starts killing everyone who deserves it: High Sparrow, Walder Frey, Ramsay Bolton, and most deservedly, Bran.

For the Watchers: S6E5 “The Door”

May 23, 2016May 23, 2016 ~ Sam Holt ~ Leave a comment

*Spoilers for Game of Thrones up to the current episode*

Things happen fast in the Game of Thrones universe. Kids become adults. Littlefinger makes a 500 mile journey in one episode. And Sansa steps up and starts holding her own. It’s about time someone realized Lord Baelish was a total dickhead. When Sansa called him out on how awful of a decision it was to give her to Ramsay, she says what we were all thinking last year (“If you didn’t know, you’re an idiot. If you did know, you’re my enemy.”) With her Baelish banishment though, Sansa appears to be more of a Stark than previously thought, as she throws away the Vale, probably one of (if not, THE) largest army in the Seven Kingdoms, for honor. They haven’t fought in any wars, and they were willing to fight for her. Not saying she’s not right…but I’m just saying the last person to choose honor over pragmatism ended up getting most of his family stabbed. However, trusting Littlefinger got basically the rest of that family stabbed, so it’s really a lose lose.

It’s okay guys, everyone knows you’re the best of all time. And everyone has totally listened to whatever new album you have.

Looks like there’s a new Red Woman in town! Can’t be Melisandre because she was on screen for five whole minutes and not once did she take her top off. Seriously, Melisandre should be looking at this new priest like Cersei looked at Margaery. She even scared the shit out of Varys. That butterball literally exists to know shit, and this chick knew such intense deep shit about him he looked like someone told him Radiohead was a bad band. Honestly, if I lived in this universe, sign me up for some R’hllor. Hot priests resurrecting you while you just have to super hope you don’t have kings blood in you? Done and done. Where do I sign? Hey, what’re you doing with that leech?

Meanwhile, at the Kingsmoot…

Yara: I deserve to be queen!

Random Ironborn: What about Theon?

Theon: Guys, Yara is the best queen the Ironborn could possibly have. She’s a great leader, a great reaver, and she will-

Euron: Where’s your cock?

Theon: What?

Euron: I have a great penis, I should be King.

Theon: Dude, literally all you’ve done is throw my dad off a bridge and been an asshole.

Euron: Yes, but do either of you have a penis?

Yara: What does having a penis have to do with being a good ruler?

Euron: Basically everything. Whoever has the best penis is the best ruler everyone knows that.

*Ironborn mostly shrug and nod in agreement*

Yara: That makes literally no sense. If anything, caring about your penis definitely makes you a worse ruler.

Euron: Yes, but have you ever had a penis?

Theon: I have.

Euron: How’s that working out for you?

Theon: YARA DESERVES TO BE QUEEN!

Euron: May I remind the jury this man is completely devoid of a penis.

Theon: GODDAMMIT! My character has depth! I’m on a redemption story, regaining confidence, and I’m sick of my only descriptive detail is “that guy with no dick!”

*waves crash against the rocks, as a long silence fills the air*

Random Ironborn: …so you don’t have a penis?

Theon: That’s it. Fuck you guys. I’m going to Essos.

Should’ve pushed him out of a higher window.

And now we finally come to the shitshow beyond the Wall. Bran Stark is probably indirectly responsible for more deaths than the Great Chicago Fire. Starts from day 1. Hey idiot, mom said don’t climb the castle. How’d that work out for you? You crippled your dumb legs and started a war. Maybe if you spent a little more time listening to mom she would’ve been gushing about how awesome your legs are rather than gushing blood from her severed jugular vein. Then there was Osha and Rickon. Send them to the Umbers he said. It’ll be fine he said. That ended with Shaggydog’s head as a Captain Hook popsicle and Osha getting skewered like a shish kebab. I’ll give him a pass on Jojen since that cryptic dingus knew it was coming, but this. THIS is all on Bran. If you’re going to have unsanctioned warging, you could’ve at least had the decency to check out the ending of the Tower of Joy scene. But no, you go visit the army of the dead and get yourself found out. You killed an entire ancient race, your warging Mr. Miagi, your fucking dog, and are directly responsible not only for Hodor’s death, but for his entire fucking sad existence. Dude was perfectly happy just ambling around tending horses and unlike Theon, actively having a huge penis. Then you melted his brain and made the point of his entire existence to save your dumbass self. Frankly Bran is the real villain of this series. Meera should just leave him before he gets her lit on fire.

Quick Hits:

“You colossally fucked up. You truly are a Stark.”

RIP Summer. You were always the dog who’s name I knew second most.
“And you Daario? Do you love me?” “…oh hey, look at the sun, I gotta go…horse.”
Davos: With what army are we supposed to take Winterfell?
Sansa: I’ve got the Blackfish in Riverrun.
Davos: You got the Blackfish?
Sansa: You feel better motherfucker?
Davos: Shiiiiiit, that’s all you had to say!
You have to drown to become king of the Iron Islands? Man, Tommen only had to watch his brother get brutally murdered in front of him.
So for those of you scoring at home, if the Night’s King touches you, he can enter cheat codes that allows him to find you and enter your magically blocked super secret base. Don’t bother trying to figure out why, it just makes sense, okay!
Arya’s upset because they make her dad look stupid. That’s certainly unfair, because all he did was accept the King’s Hand position, side with Catelyn arresting Tyrion with no evidence, threaten the queen, refuse help from Renly, and trust Littlefinger.
Give me an “Edd Tollett, Lord Commander” sitcom, and give it to me now.
Meera: Hold the door!
Hodor: Hodor! *Hodor thoughtfully holds the door open for the wights*
Meera: HODOR NOOOOO!
Good luck to Jorah for finding a cure to greyscale in the land where child birth is still a 50/50 shot.
I’m hoping Bronn returns next week. Not sure what he could do though. Maybe he’ll go back to Dorne. Sidenote, that is literally the only reason I’d want to go back to Dorne.

And finally, in memory of Hodor, the reigning penis champion of Westeros (look it up if you want, I’m certainly not linking it), I’ve decided to crown a new champion. Now, I have no way of knowing this, and it’s all speculation, but…I have a pretty good idea:

For the Watchers: S6E3 Oathbreaker

May 10, 2016May 10, 2016 ~ Sam Holt ~ Leave a comment

*Spoilers for Game of Thrones up to Episode 3 of Season 6*

There’s a lot of fiction that includes a relatively normal world introducing something fantastical to the main characters. Time travel, body switching, Jay Baruchel dating Alice Eve…you get the picture. So, everyone is sitting around shocked asking questions. Davos asking what he remembers, Melisandre looking for answers to the afterlife, Edd wondering how he got jokes…but Jon has no answers. Typical Jon Snow, knowing nothing, not sure what you expected people. But once everyone’s over the shock and the summary executions are over with, Jon goes rogue and ends his watch. So, now Jon’s going off to do…something. I’m not sure what. Perhaps go after Ramsay Bolton? Even though your entire pitch to Olly was we need the Wildlings to stop the White Walkers? You know…band of ice zombies, super keen on slaughtering all non-snow skeletons? No, just gonna pout and leave? Aight.

Here’s Olly, making lifelong friendships with the Wildlings.

Speaking of Olly, fans rejoiced across the world this week when he, among others, was executed. Olly has been an increasingly curious character since his introduction that screamed inconspicuous plot accelerator. Even the nod to him at the Battle of Castle Black seemed to bring his story full circle, allowing him to enter the background of the plot. However, natural progression of the storyline thrust him to the front lines of a major plot. Olly finds himself in a rare Dornish situation of being hated by both ardent book truthers (for not existing) and show watchers (for killing Jon Snow and being a little shit turd). But, hot take alert:

Olly was a great character built out of nothing with incredibly justifiable actions.

There, I said it. AND I’M NOT EVEN A BIT SORRY! I thought he was shitty last year just because I didn’t think they’d kill Jon Snow (and didn’t think they’d use a resurrection angle to free him of his duties). He stuck around literally as long as he had to, had an nice tight arc, and got a fulfilling demise. So here’s to Olly, may he rot in fictional character hell.

No seriously this dude was dope…I know you’ve only seen him lose a fight, but listen…

Onto the Tower of Joy, where an ugly Neil Patrick Harris lookalike playing Ned Stark is to take on Sir Arthur Dayne, the best swordsman in Westeros. After taking the cheap victory with help from Meera’s father, he begins to ascend the tower to finally put an end to all the specu-WHAT THE SHIT OLD MAN? You psychic suck monster! Okay, so we knew that reveal wasn’t happening this fast, but it’s still more of a tease than those two girls on still-having-a-penis Theon. Perhaps by the end of the season, we’ll finally get to see what’s in that tower. But I’m sure Ned seemingly hearing Bran will come up somewhere later…and hopefully it won’t distract Ned from seeing who killed Lyanna.

Meanwhile in King’s Landing…

Tommen: HEY DROOPY FACE

High Sparrow: Yes, Your Grace?

Tommen: I AM CROSS WITH YOU

High Sparrow: Why Your Grace?

Tommen: CAUSE YOU MADE MOMMY MAD

High Sparrow: Yes, but your mother needs to atone…

Tommen: YOU GOSH DARN MEANY LET MOMMY SEE MY DEAD SISTER

High Sparrow: Hey, what’s that over there?

Tommen: WHAT I SEE NO-

High Sparrow: Is that a kitty?

Tommen: OMGYESYESYES KITTY KITTY KITTY

High Sparrow: Now what was your request Your Grace?

Tommen: Hmm? Oh, I need like 20 more kitties. For…religion.

High Sparrow: Of course, Your Grace.

I like my Umbers better when dogs are attacking them.

Last week, I made mention that the Umbers supposedly have Rickon Stark and it would probably take more than “shaking a few hands” to get to Rickon. Well, I was wrong. Lord Umber didn’t even wanna shake hands. Besides the glaring fact that Starks are springing up like Jack’s beanstalk while Gilly’s son has been a baby for 3 seasons…bringing Rickon back is a good move. It gives people a reason to attack Ramsay, makes Ramsay more potentially dangerous, and shows basically everyone else in the North is a total dickcheese. Like seriously, Umber? Sure, in the books, Shaggydog was a bit of a loose cannon, but in the show he’s just a fucking dog. Don’t need to decapitate yet another dog. This fucking show. And no, I don’t subscribe to the theory that the dog head was too small to be Shaggydog. You’ve got a kid that grew 3 feet in like two years and you think they give a shit about the size of a dog’s head? Nah son.

Quick Hits:

I’m not saying Tommen is a push over, but if he was a board game he’d be Jenga. If he were a mother he’d be Lysa Arryn.
Hey, where was that Arya montage last year? Could’ve saved us from like 14 dead body baths.
But seriously, good to see Arya reaching her 4 season goal of ceasing to exist. Although, most of the Starks already achieved that goal.
Dany thinks she’s Beyonce but she’s really Michelle Williams.
I’m glad we finally got to see Sam just for him to tell us what every press release told us the entire off season. What a waste. Wait, some people don’t read all those?
Say what you want about finishing a fight with honor, but I think Howland Reed had the right idea. Where was that hustle from Tyrion when Oberyn was getting his head made into a Picasso painting?
Okay, everyone who had Dolorous Edd becoming Lord Commander, collect your prize at the door.
I really wanna watch a drinking game with Tyrion, Daario, Varys, and Dany. No charge guys, just make it happen.
Qyburn even sucks at candy.
Cersei, when you inevitably have Zombie Mountain slice and dice the small council, can you please spare Lady Olenna? With Bronn MIA and Oberyn dead, she’s basically the only funny person in King’s Landing. Or just bring Bronn back. Free money here fellas.

And that’s our show, join us next week when Jon Snow probably does a thing, Daario and Jorah try a thing, Littlefinger is actually around to do things, and Tommen definitely doesn’t doing anything.

For the Watchers: S6E2 Home

May 3, 2016May 4, 2016 ~ Sam Holt ~ 1 Comment

*Spoilers up to the current episode of Game of Thrones*

Oh, hello there people reading the thumbnail. Nice to see you. If you could just…there, think that’s far enough…just a bit more…OF FUCKING COURSE JON SNOW IS ALIVE OUR NATIONAL NIGHTMARE IS OVER! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! And while that’s all well and good, there’s still a lot of questions out there though. Like, will Jon Snow still have all his memories? Do those 10 organ piercing stab wounds need to be stitched up? Does he like the new Radiohead song? I’m sure most of these will be addressed next episode in some capacity, but for now all we get to do is speculate. Seriously though, if he doesn’t put some duct tape on his chest he should be leaking the red stuff like the Black Knight.

And who do we have to thank for this? Everyone’s favorite child killer, Melisandre. What gets me is how emo Melisandre got. So she thought she saw Stannis Baratheon and Jon Snow fighting in her flames. Big deal. She’s swallowed poison, lived for hundreds of years, and given birth to a demon assassin smoke baby. I don’t know much, but there is at least some god in that universe paying attention. At least she finally got some redemption though. Chick has been responsible for more Baratheon deaths than Robert’s Rebellion. The least she can do is bring back the main character of the entire fucking series.

All right, I’ll admit it, I was intrigued by the Bran stuff this week. Much like Bran, I have a deep interest in the pre-show/books timeline. Now, characters like Lyanna Stark, Elia Martell, the Mad King, and Rhaegar Targaryen come into play, as well as the ability to see older characters in their younger years. Now, Hodor wouldn’t have been high on my list…but it’s still cool. Plus it beats the shit out of the whiny emo fest that is no-legs Bran and no-bro Meera listening to the Westeros version of Sunny Day Real Estate and Bright Eyes, oozing teen-aged angst with their shaggy black hair/black clothes combo, wondering what the point of it all is. Wait this is hitting too close to home, moving on…

Balon Greyjoy: As good at crossing bridges as the cast of Final Destination 5.

Hey, look! Balon Greyjoy’s back! I guess that leech in the fire thing was total bull- aaaaaand he’s gone. Truth be told, the only reason he was still alive was due to the God of Indifference (the writers) and the delay of the Greyjoy storyline. Sure, no one gave a crap about them last time, but isn’t anyone question what they’ve been up to? Anyone? Anyone at all? Gendry?

We already have a kingdom no one cares about. It’s called Dorne. We get no Bronn, no Littlefinger, not even Sam, but don’t worry, we’re going back to Theon’s family for a hot minute. Let’s hope they learned from Dorne and make characters that do things that entertain us and actually mean something. And they have to do all that without Tyene Sand’s fantastic set of personality.

Speaking of Theon I have no fucking idea why Sansa feels Theon has been redeemed. Here are the list of things Theon has done since Season 1 that affect Sansa:

Been a huge dick to everyone in Winterfell
Betrayed Robb which indirectly led to his death.
Made Bran and Rickon run away to unknown-to-Sansa locations.
Did a shit job of hacking off the head of Winterfell’s master-at-arms.
Burned two farm boys (I think only he really cares about that one, but still).
Gave up control of Winterfell to the Boltons, essentially allowing it to be sacked.
You can make an argument that his betrayal also led to the Red Wedding, so add Catelyn to that list.
Tattled on Sansa’s escape plan.
Came up with his own plan which was basically try to kill ourselves and if that doesn’t work run away with no good destination in the snow.

Hey, I know this may look like a bad plan, but you’re totally gonna thank me later.

That’s it. If I were Sansa I’d just continue kicking him in the groin area until he grew back balls to kick. Sure he killed Myranda (linked for your viewing pleasure). But that doesn’t excuse the fucking first class assholery he conducted for most of his existence.

But since he’s still alive and well, let’s break down human cutting board. Theon going home (which I assume is the Iron Islands due to the not so subtle smash cut to Pyke) marks the second time he’s had an option to go to the Wall and hasn’t taken it (the first being right before the sacking of Winterfell when Maester Luwin told him to run). I like to think there’s an alternative universe where Theon is hanging out at Castle Black paranoid Jon Snow will try to kill him until he redeems himself somehow, and then just goes back to being a generally antagonistic shitheel. He’d be crushing Molestown, giving Sam shit, and just be totally having a penis.

Meanwhile, at Winterfell…

Ramsay: Maester, please inform the Seven Kingdoms about my father’s passing.

Maester: Yes, Lord Bolton.

Ramsay: Tell them that he was poisoned by our enemies.

Maester: And Lady Walda, my Lord?

Not exactly my pick for the face of only children.

Ramsay: Hmm?

Maester: How should I say she died?

Ramsay: …she tripped.

Maester: SHE TRIPPED?

Ramsay: Yup. Right down the stairs. Quite nasty actually.

Maester: SHE DOESN’T EVEN HAVE A FACE!

Ramsay: To be fair, she didn’t have much of one before, rather plain…

Maester: THERE WAS NOTHING LEFT OF THE BABY!

Ramsay: Well of course not, she landed on top of him!

Maester: You gotta be fucking kidding me…

Ramsay: Look no one feels worse about this than me…

Maester: …and you already fed the dogs too, so that can’t be your excuse.

Ramsay: …I’ll put up a sign that says something like “Watch out! Stairs!” and hopefully this won’t happen again.

*raven flies in*

Maester: *reading* Looks like Lord Frey is inviting you to dinner…

Ramsay: Hard pass.

Quick tangent, if you’ll indulge me. It might have gotten glossed over, but Ramsay says the Umbers, the Manderlys, and the Karstarks command more soldiers than all the other houses combined. That’s true, however that’s not what I’m getting at. At the end of season 3, Bran tells Osha to take Rickon to the Umbers.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VVlRkEqI2T0

From what it sounds like, the Umbers have already been won by the Boltons. It’s possible Rickon is being hidden there…or that he didn’t go there at all. What I’m getting at is finding Rickon doesn’t seem like it’s going to be as easy as walking to a castle and shaking a few hands. And even though Rickon was never a big character in the show, he’s still an important character to the story and his location is an interesting one to keep tabs on.

Quick Hits:

Oh, c’mon! That’s not even in the order that he says that!

If you’re gonna train Arya again this year fine, but can we skip to the parkour stuff I saw in the trailer? I don’t need to see a teen-aged girl wash dead bodies anymore, thank you.
I’m glad Tyrion knew he was the only one that could release those dragons since he’s the only one in Meereen wearing plot armor.
Speaking of Tyrion, just start printing the “I drink and I know things” shirts now. I know you got them ready.
If you think you’re having a bad day, at least you weren’t splattered against a wall.
Twice.
Tommen saying he should’ve been a ruler like Cersei is like saying he should’ve been a brother like Ramsay Bolton.
People keep saying they think Ramsay is gonna die. Why? He’s the main villain on the show! On a scale from Alliser Thorne to Jon Snow on likeliness to die, he’s about a Littlefinger.
Best thing Ramsay has going for him is he’s literally the only character Ramsay probably won’t kill. And I can’t even rule that out. He’s just so damn unpredictable.
I like to imagine a world where Littlefinger and Bronn are together traveling around, and they just keep bumping into lost characters like Osha, Nymeria, and Gendry. Actually just Gendry. Where the fuck is Gendry?
JUST SHOW ME A FLIPPED BOAT! AT LEAST THAT’LL GIVE ME SOME CLOSURE!

That’s it for this week, here’s to a new Lord of Winterfell, soon to be new King of the Iron Islands, and happy returns to Jon Snow, the Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch…and our hearts.

For the Watchers: S6E1 The Red Woman

April 26, 2016April 27, 2016 ~ Sam Holt ~ Leave a comment

*Spoilers for S6E1*

The beginning of a season of Game of Thrones was predictably a tasting menu of an episode. You get a nice nibble on something savory, then it’s on to the next thing. Unless you’re Season 4, then you get a big fucking dessert at the end. The episode was book ended by everyone’s favorite ominous stronghold, Castle Black. The question on everyone’s mind was obvious: was Jon Snow really dead? And the answer is of course we still have no fucking idea. Which was to be expected…not like they were gonna pop back to Castle Black and Jon Snow is just chilling eating an apple like “Damn, that was a doozy bit of exposition we just had there!” But it has to happen soon to be believable, because the White Walkers still exist. Jon Snow is probably just hours away from becoming the most attractive ice zombie this side of the Wall. And if you’re a card carrying member of the Know Nothing Party, you better hope Melisandre pulls something out of her shockingly aged ass (more on that later).

In Essos, Daario and Jorah team up to become the latest duo of traveling companions in a show with a formidable history of traveling companions. How will they stack up? Well both suffer from being in the middle of nowhere and not being Tyrion, but they’ll probably be all right. Especially with Jorah’s hawk eyes finding things like Dany’s tiny ring in huge ass field. In the show’s defense, they hand wave it by showing that the horde circled her a bunch, leaving Jorah to only have to look in a relatively small patch, but it’s still impressive given that he had no idea anything was there and nobody cuts that grass to make it short. Too bad his awareness doesn’t translate to realizing Dany wants none of his junk.

Rules are rules, off to the home you go.

Speaking of Dany, she found herself in the comedy club that is the Dothraki Horde. Khal Drogo was such a wet blanket I never knew these guys could be entertaining! I should’ve known from their weddings. Also, super convenient that the guys known for basically only raping and pillaging have a super serious rule that khal’s widows are hands off. The Dothraki somehow have the best bro code of the entire show! They should teach Daario a thing or two. Any way you slice it, Dany’s in a bit of a pickle, but she’s way better off than anticipated. Which is good, cause I don’t want to (and shouldn’t have to) talk about that on this show anymore.

Meanwhile, in Dorne…

Ellaria: That was a great season for us, we stood up for ourselves and caused the war we wanted all along.

Tyene: Yeah, I bet we’re everyone’s new fav-

Obara: Everyone hates us.

Ellaria: What? But we murder people!

Obara: Doesn’t matter.

Tyene: I showed my tits!

Obara: That they liked, but you almost killed, like, the funniest character on the show.

Ellaria: This is Doran’s fault.

Nymeria: Yeah that milquetoast motherfucker has got to go.

Obara: Or maybe it’s because we’re all acting rash with unrealistic expectations. Not to mention book readers hate us because we’re not adapting the book’s beloved storyline, and show watchers hate us because we’re a distraction from the main plotlines. We should just lay low and strike when the opportunity presents itself.

…

Ellaria: I’m killing Doran.

Tyene: And I’m killing the huge dude with the poleaxe.

Obara: That’s Areo-

Tyene: OH MY GOD NO ONE CARES!

Obara: Fine, at least let me kill Trystane.

Angry Dorne Guy — TFW they’re spending time on Dorne not resurrecting Jon Snow.

The Sand Snakes began a revolution in this episode, which could be good news or bad news. I liked Doran as a character, so it’s kinda sad, but the potential of an all out vengeful Dorne is pretty sweet. I just hope they go radio dark until the perfect moment. Like we don’t see or hear from them until they like stab Tommen or poison Mace Tyrell, or have another shitty fight scene with Zombie Mountain. Also, props to Tystane for just the worst ring awareness of all time. Enjoy being the shitty onion on the shish kabob.

Onto the North. Man, what kinda Island of Misfit toys have we got here? Like how the fuck are these four together? They’re basically the four saddest living characters starting an emo cover band. Let’s look back at what they were doing the first time all of them were in the same episode, Valar Morghulis, the Season 2 finale. Sansa was still captive at King’s Landing, relieved to find out Joffrey would marry Margaery. Brienne was still escorting a two-handed asshole Jaime Lannister across the continent. Podrick barely even had lines yet! Sure he killed the dude trying to kill Tyrion, but most likely if you hadn’t read the books you were like, “who’s this guy?” And Reek was still proud penis-owner Theon Greyjoy, getting knocked out by his own people at Winterfell calling for the head of some asshole with a horn. But where are they headed? Seems like they have two choices, Castle Black (gulp) or go back to the Eyrie to Littlefinger. You know, the guy that tried to have Brienne and Podrick killed. Not looking good for BRPS, is it?

Some quick hits before the wrap up:

Man, Arya has got the worst Mr. Miagi of all time. 90% chance she’s in Cobra Kai.
Say what you want about Ramsay, he cares about his girlfriend and he’s a dog lover. I don’t get why no one likes him.
Thanks Cersei for putting the thought of my loved ones’ decaying faces in my head. I’ll remember that at every applicable time in my life. I’m super getting cremated.
Margaery Tyrell is seriously in the worst spot. She’s either getting a shame walk or getting freed by Cersei which probably means she’s getting a shame walk. I don’t have another 15 minutes to spare on that, even if it is Natalie Dormer.
Going back to BRPS (I’m pronouncing them “burps” in my head, and I hope you do too), can you imagine if they just brazenly go to Essos to find Arya, having no proof she’s there? That would take Varys levels of foresight. Hey, at least they also have a dude with no dick.
Man, do I not give a shit what happens to Meereen. I really hope Varys and Tyrion aren’t gonna stay- OH GODDAMMIT!

It took me so long to find a SFW picture of this scene, you have no idea.

And now, back to the titular Red Woman. Speaking of titular, I’m going out on a limb and saying Carice Van Houten has it in her contract that she needs to get naked once a season. But granted, when she does, plot fucking happens. She’s either having a demon baby or revealing she’s like 400 years old. I thought the ending was a little underwhelming. The reveal is cool but not earth-shattering, and it’s hard to be floored by that when everyone and their direwolf is expecting her to resurrect the dude from Pompei. Sure she doubts the Red God. You know what? I’m starting to have doubts too. Doubting that my investment in Jon Snow for five goddamn years (okay, I called him a whiny bitch for three, but two solid years!) is going to pay off in the form of icy fire justice for all his foes. Kill Ned, fine. Kill Robb, good he was boring anyway. Kill Jon Snow, and all I’m cheering for a blind girl to come to Westeros and annihilate all her foes ninja style. …Actually that sounds dope, do what you want!

Look forward next week to the thrills of Jaime’s vengeance, the deviousness of Ramsay’s plotting, and the indifference of whatever Bran has been up to.

The Punxsutawney Inner Circle is the Mafia you Warn your Mother About

February 2, 2016February 2, 2016 ~ Sam Holt ~ 1 Comment

Punx Mafia Groundhog Day is probably around my 145th favorite day of the year, sandwiched somewhere between Arbor Day and the 5th day of Shark Week. The whole day seems contrived, like we’ve been hoodwinked by a small town in Pennsylvania into paying attention to them for no good reason. We do that in Massachusetts too, but at least we usually have the common decency to discover the New World or murder a bunch of witches. This day is celebrated by the fool’s notion that a varmint somehow has acquired better meteorology skills than such professionals such as Tony Petrarca and Nicolas Cage. This is patently untrue, as “Punxsutawney Phil” has been correct just 39% of the time in his illustrious career. Tough break Gobbler’s Nobb, maybe try a nickel next time.

punxphil — I don’t blame this guy, he’s probably never held a baby either.

Anyway, one thing always stood out to me as a kid when watching the 30 second spot on Channel One news on Groundhog Day: who are the professional groundhog rustlers that nab this porkball and make him decisively see or not see the opacity of his plump figure? All I know is they are all definitely white, have top hats, and have no idea how to properly hold a groundhog. If you asked me to judge how much they cared about Groundhog Day, I would’ve guessed 10/10. And somehow that estimation still came in underestimated. It starts with the name. The Groundhog “Inner Circle.” They basically seem like the Neighbourhood Watch Alliance from Hot Fuzz without all the hooded cloaks and murder. I took one look at their About Inner Circle page, and knew immediately that these guys weren’t joking around. These guys are a furious fusion of the first class passengers of the Titanic, Jonestown, and animal worship. And that’s a potion that needs a poison label. I’m here to break down every single member of this Inner Circle to warn you about their potential crimes against society and maybe, just maybe, poke a little fun at how serious they probably take this.

Current title: President

Best Bio Bit: “Best way to get to the Knob? In car.” Really? Would’ve thought horse and buggy was a shoe in. Also, his favorite drink is Diet Coke? Doesn’t look like it.

Potential Crime: Animal Cruelty for torturing animals by holding them under their arms. How would you like it if someone did that to you, huh Bill?

Current Title: Vice President, Fair Weatherman

Best Bio Bit: “Get there early and don’t leave too soon…it gets good late at the Knob!” Oh shit. Guys, don’t sleep on the Knob. It’s probably a combo of Burning Man and a Minnesota Vikings yacht after dark.

Potential Crime: Perjury. Mostly for saying a groundhog is all knowing, a po’ dunk town has a crazy nightlife, and impersonating a weatherman.

Current Title: Rainmaker

Best Bio Bit: Giving away his address for a party where he expects 50-100 people to attend. Something tells me he missed that mark.

Potential Crime: Seriously, his title is Rainmaker. Have you ever seen Looper? Enough said, kid should be in chains already.

Current Title: His Protector

Best Bio Bit: “Weather Philosophy: God Bless Global Warming” Al Gore is not gonna be visiting suburban Pennsylvania anytime soon.

Potential Crime: Being really shitty at his job that time Bill Murray murdered the only groundhog he was sworn to protect.

Current Title: Iceman

Best Bio Bit: HIS TITLE IS ICEMAN! Are you fucking kidding me?

Potential Crime: Being my wingman anytime!

Current Title: Moonshine

Best Bio Bit: “Favorite Drink: One cold beer, please.” Wow Dan, you think you can handle that whole beer yourself? Clearly your title is just the old timers busting your balls on your inability to throw back even rudimentary levels of alcohol. Also, you look like the kid who runs for class president in middle school and cries after he gets obliterated by the kid who farted into the mic for his speech.

Potential Crime: Listing groundhog “fun facts” on a road trip for so long the driver falls asleep at the wheel and hits an adorable European tourist family.

Current Title: Thunder Conductor. I’m dead serious.

Best Bio Bit: Everything. Seriously, this guy is a king. I gotta do at least a top 5:

5) “Weather Philosophy: Live your life! Let the weather do what it may.” Thunder Conductor doesn’t give a shit about weather, it’s about the noise!

4) “Favorite Drink: A Gobbler’s Knob (A bottle of Groundhog Brew in a glass; Drop in a shot of Wild Turkey and slam it)” Fuck yeah Thunder! Maybe I underestimated Punxsutawney.

3) “What is the best way to get to the Knob: Find a sober local to drive you or take the bus.” Thunder knows how to have fun, but he also knows responsibility.

2) “On Groundhog Day you can find me: On the Knob in the morning and in town for the rest of it. For the evening listening to Waldo at Dicks Inn.” So that’s what they’re calling it in Punxsutawney these days. Any ladies wanna listen to Waldo at Dicks Inn? Get at Thunder. He calls the ladies “lightning”, cause Thunder always comes after.

1) “To really experience Groundhog Day you have to: Party all night long, Get yourself to the Knob, enjoy the entertainment, see Phil’s Prediction, have breakfast in Punxsy and find somewhere to sleep.” How about at Dick’s Inn? Fucking Thunder. Ruthless.

Potential Crime: Grant Theft Larceny of my heart.

Current Title: Big Chill

Best Bio Bit: His title is a subpar Jeff Goldblum movie and his favorite Groundhog Day memory is the time he missed meeting Bill Murray.

Potential Crime: Being the biggest wet blanket to the Thunder Conductor.

Current Title: Sky Painter. That literally makes no sense.

Best Bio Bit: Seriously, what does a sky painter even do? Does he have schizophrenia and they just pretend he’s helping?

Potential Crime: Vandalism.

Current Title: Co-Handler. Guys, it’s one groundhog, not the Stanley Cup.

Best Bio Bit: “To really experience Groundhog Day, you have to: put all rational thought out of your mind and let the day take you wherever it may.” Hopefully it takes me to an airport so I can get the hell out of this dumpster fire.

Potential Crime: Male Pattern Baldness

Current Title: Coal Front

Best Bio Bit: “On Groundhog Day you can expect to find me: on the Knob jivin with the mob” I can’t say much with absolute certainty, but this man has never “jived” in his life.

Potential Crime: Possession of Child Pornography

Current Title: Secretary/Treasurer, Chief Healthman

Best Bio Bit: When I roll into a hospital with a severed femur, I always ask for the Chief Healthman.

Potential Crime: Impersonating a Healthman.

Current Title: Head Hailmaker. Must be a hard gig being in charge of making ice.

Best Bio Bit: “Weather Philosophy: 6 more weeks of winter means 6 more weeks of snowmobiling!” Just like the Quakers wanted.

Potential Crime: Being a fat Noah Emmerich.

Current Title: TBA. I give the Inner Circle credit. You gotta earn your stripes. You can’t just be some douchebag hipster trying to ride on their prestigious coattails.

Best Bio Bit: “Favorite Drink: Old Fashioned” Shocker of the century.

Potential Crime: Spelling your name wrong on your Venti cappuccino.

Current Title: Stump Warden – Co-Handler

Best Bio Bit: Mrs. Ploucha: Hi Ron, how was the Inner Circle Meeting?

Ron: They made me Stump Warden! I protect the stumps for Phil to feast on!

Mrs. Ploucha: How fast can one get a divorce?

Potential Crime: Bestiality.

Current Title: Shingle Shaker. Is he sneaking on roofs or something? Is he like the worst Santa Claus?

Best Bio Bit: “If you want the inside scoop on the Inner Circle: Ask my dad, Bud Dunkel former groundhog president, he has some great stories.” Hard pass.

Potential Crime: Shoddy Contract work/Breaking and Entering

Current Title: The Big Windmaker. 100% this guy farts like a pro.

Best Bio Bit: “If you want to know the inside scoop on the Inner Circle: I refuse to answer on the grounds that it may incriminate me. Seriously if I divulged any information about the Inner Circle, you’d be getting a visit from my uncle “Guido!” Ha! Ha!” Okay look. The Fartmaster is trying to play this off as a joke, but I don’t buy it. These guys are into some hard shit. And I have no doubt who the real brains behind the operation is…

Current Title: Seer of Seers/Prognosticator of Prognosticators/Weather Predictor Extraordinaire /National Treasure/Most Photographed Pennsylvanian

Best Bio Bit: Look at this psychopath. Look at his dead eyes. He knows all and he’s going to use his army of dapper douchebags to bury you in a thick layer of powdery death.

Potential Crime: Genocide.

This group is a menace and must be stopped. Or you know, you can forget they exist for an entire year like everyone else including their families. Man, I wish they’d just leave that fucking groundhog alone. Or at least hold it properly.

Best of 2015

January 19, 2016 ~ Sam Holt ~ Leave a comment

2015 certainly was a year. It’s got its own Wikipedia page and everything. But unlike 2015, I don’t have my own Wikipedia page to regale my thousands upon thousands of fans to look up speculative facts about who I’m dating and what I’m allergic to. So how would you ever know what my favorite things of 2015 were? Spoiler alert, you wouldn’t. And that’s a damn shame because everyone should know my opinion and not everyone is constantly within ear shot of me. And even when they are, they are usually telling me to “please stop” and “wait, were you talking to me this whole time?” So, that’s why I pay the big bucks to have my own website. So here it is, deal with it. You have to read it. Don’t try clicking the X, you’re already here. Might as well hunker down, get a nice hot beverage, and bask in my opinions. Seriously, without my opinions I’m just some garbage goblin that cares way too much about Game of Thrones.

Best Movie – Star Wars: The Force Awakens (No spoilers, promise)

BB8 — I’d be fine with robots taking over the world if they were all this one.

I’ll be honest, I don’t watch movies in theaters a lot. The floors are sticky, you can’t talk to anyone, and everyone claps at the end like their kid got a hit in Little League, only their kid is actually a billionaire company and that hit is another billion dollars. I think I went to the theater 4 times this year: Star Wars, Jurassic World, Kingsman, and the aforeblogged Pitch Perfect 2. There’s a few on my list like the new Hunger Games, The Revenant, and (super regrettably) Inside Out, but I have to write this list sometime. And if you’re wondering where the fuck Mad Max: Fury Road is…chill. I watched it literally 30 minutes ago. I couldn’t in good conscience start this list without witnessing it. And guess what? It’s witnessed. And it’s great. But it’s no Star Wars to me.

So here’s the thing. Is Star Wars a perfect movie? No. But neither was Jurassic World, but I loved it because of subjective nostalgia and love of the world in which it resides. A fucked up world where super dumb scientists continue to think recreating the same catastrophic disaster is a good idea. Seriously, in their canon, they let a fucking featherless T-Rex destroy half of San Diego and eat an Andy Dick impersonator. Opposed to that, Star Wars makes a lot of sense once the bad guys figure out they can just build a new death star without exhaust ports. Speaking of which, everyone complains that Force Awakens is basically a remake of A New Hope. Oh no. Please, shield my eyes from the movie that replicates one of the greatest movies ever made. Force Awakens does plenty different than the original trilogy, including humor that I didn’t realize was missing from the Star Wars movies until it was laid out in front of me. Sure it was safe, but it was an enjoyable ride throughout and made me leave with a huge smile on my face. Though it should be noted if they put more Jesse in Pitch Perfect 2, this could’ve been a different story.

Runners Up: Mad Max: Fury Road, Jurassic World

Best Video Game – Life is Strange

Life-Is-Strange-Episode-1-Images — This game is about as pretentious as you think it is

If you told me at the beginning of the year that in a year with Star Wars Battlefront, Fallout 4, and a Game of Thrones game made by one of my favorite developers, that my favorite game would be about a high school girl taking pictures and rewinding time then I’d think…wait, yeah, that sounds about right. Okay, hear me out. I love shit blowing up, but Life is Strange hits you where it hurts…with high school angst and folk pop. A lot of you reading this have probably never heard of Life is Strange, and a lot of you would probably hate it. But tough titties, you’re gonna learn. Life is Strange is a interactive story game (think a choose your own adventure…the game is mostly just dialogue and puzzles, with various decisions that must be made that will affect the plot) that pits you as a senior in a photography school in the pacific northwest. It’s pretty much hipster central, but instead of choosing which lensless glasses go with your Grizzly Bear t-shirt, you have time travel powers. The real story here is the lengths you will go to save your best friend while uncovering the truth behind the many mysteries around the town. It’s thrilling and touching in a way got me in a way I wasn’t expecting. You do need to get by some atrocious attempts at adults trying to figure out what the kids are saying. Here are some of my favorites:

“I hope you checked the perimeter, as my step-ass would say. Now, let’s talk bidness-“
“The last time I got the flu shot, I got the flu. Fuck you.”
“Ready for the mosh pit, shaka brah.” (said ironically…I think)
“Amazeballs! I literally got chills all over my neck.”
“Groundhog Day-ja vu”

And finally, the favorite…“Why don’t you go fuck your selfie.”

It’s certainly lame at points, but it really has charm and paints one of the most realistic friendships in media that really makes you care about the characters. And some very serious issues are brought up, including depression, anxiety, drug use, and some shit that rivals Criminal Minds in levels of fucked up. If you like a good story in your video games, I encourage you to give it a shot. If you don’t care about video games, my mom would probably like you to invite me to play outside.

Runners Up: Rocket League, Fallout 4

Best TV Show – You’re the Worst

I know what you’re thinking…how is this not Game of Thrones? Yeah, that’s like most of what I do here. The rest is writing up long posts I end up hating and deleting and ignoring it while forgetting that I’m paying a fee for my website to exist. But when Game of Thrones is going strong, I know my faithful readers will come in droves to get some hot takes. So why is it not number one? Well…it wasn’t great this season. Don’t get me wrong, it was still good. But come on, please name your favorite moments from the first 5 episodes? Was it the time Arya washed a corpse? Perhaps when Bronn and Jaime barely got in a fight? Here’s looking to a great new season in a few months, but there are other shows that killed it this season.

There were three fantastic shows this year that all were nearly perfect to me for varying reasons…and all of them reside on the same family of networks. I haven’t been talking about the runner ups at this point really, but I feel a hat tip to Man Seeking Woman is necessary. It is just an absolute masterpiece of showing how normal awkward dudes attempt to survive the dating scene in creative and abstract ways. Whether it’s your ex girlfriend dating Hitler or your current girlfriend going to see her male friend (who happens to be a Japanese Penis Monster who is “just a friend”), Man Seeking Woman takes everyday struggles and turns them into hilarious absurdity. Please take 7 minutes out of your day and just watch the “what to text her” scene to see what this show is capable of.

Fargo was second, as I previous gushed over, but it didn’t end as perfectly as I was hoping. But what did end perfectly was You’re the Worst. The second season of the tale between two star-crossed sociopaths tackled more than just bad people doing bad things. It struck a deep chord, and one that hit me personally very hard. I encourage you to watch the season on your own and to skip to the next category before I spoil it, but if there’s 0% chance you will watch it on your own, consider the mid-season reveal I will tell you. Gretchen, one of the two main characters of the show, revealed that she had clinical depression. The rest of the season portrayed the decimation the disease had on their relationship, with Jimmy trying to fix Gretchen while being unable to comprehend her inner struggle as anything but laziness. It was gut wrenching to watch, even as it made me laugh multiple times per episode (“I like to play Snake while I cry”). It is not my place to go into the specifics of why this dynamic affected me so deeply, but I can say that knowing many people with depression and interacting with them throughout my life within my family and my friends, it was portrayed accurately and effectively, even reaching a conclusion that satisfied me even if it had a touch of “oh-so-convenient.” The final scene of the season was so perfect, I’d even be happy if there was never another episode (as they expected would be the case until they got picked up for a third season after filming concluded). But mercifully, I will have another season to wallow with these trash humans who are endearing as they are despicable.

Runners Up: Fargo, Man Seeking Woman

Let’s hope 2016 is as good a year for content and stops killing all our favorite celebrities. Take us out Snape! (spoilers for the last book/movie)

Star Wars Reaction Guide for Our Generation

December 16, 2015January 12, 2016 ~ Sam Holt ~ Leave a comment

Let’s be real. The Force Awakens could be utter dog shit and most people will be in hysterical tears, violently convulsing in their BB-8 shirts. Chances are, it’ll at least be a competent movie. But then again, the last generation went through this already.

Now, there’s a whole generation of twenty and thirty somethings that have been waiting for this day. Everyone feels entitled to a good new Star Wars movie, because like it or not, we have yet to see one in our lifetimes. But that’s just like our generation, expecting a hand out from mommy and daddy’s generation (even though they straight up took all the jobs). And I know what you’re thinking. “But Bender, J.J. Abrams is a fan just like the rest of us!” True, but even George Lucas started out sharp. American Graffiti is straight fire, and then to go back to back with Star Wars and Indiana Jones? Unheard of. Man was more spotless than stainless steel bathing in every Billy Mays product. Then, 15 years later, he just took 3 heaping, putrid shits. Just plop, plop, plop. Fuck, you can call it 4 if you toss in Indiana Jones and the End of Shia LeBeouf’s Career.

So what does all that have to do with J.J. Abrams? Well, we’ll get to that theory a little bit later. But my main point is this: there’s a real chance this movie is horse garbage. The last three were, and optimism can only carry you so far. I’m always cynical, it’s my nature. Keeps you from being disappointed. But, I’m finally going to use my powers of cynicism for good. Here’s how you should react to the various twists and turns in this movie:

If Luke is the Bad Guy

There’s a theory going around that the masked bad guy is gonna be Luke, cause…of course. It’s a good homage to the original trilogy, and it will make for an amazing reveal. Plus, the brooding silent bad guy is never enough on his own…unless he looks like an evil spiky tomato that changed the lightsaber game forever.

Darth Maul — Too bad he trademarked the dual saber. Really held the empire back in the Rebellion IMO.

Then again, it’s a little too easy, too obvious, and gives too many arrogant fans the chance to proclaim how they guessed it on every social media platform you consume. This one included.

How should you react?

Who are you kidding? If Mark Fucking Hamill is under that mask you’re giving him a standing O in the theater. And praising him on his lightsaber evolution. Those things have been around awhile, takes a real master to come up with a crossguard.

If the acting is bad

Look. I like nice guy storm trooper and new Natalie Portman as much as the next guy. But Star Wars can hinge a lot on acting. Sometimes it can’t be helped. Jake Lloyd was just a kid, and Ewan McGregor wasn’t exactly given Citizen Kane to work with. Natalie Portman did her best to get that cheesy love story off the ground. But, Hayden Christensen. Man. That kid couldn’t show proper emotion if his life depended on it. I’ve seen mannequins more alive than him. The only reason Rachel Bilson is with him is because he believes her orgasms. He also may be the only person who was watching Hart of Dixie.

Rachel_Bilson_2006 — Pictured: The best picture of them together.

But Mannequin Skywalker aside, this film could be trouble if the cast doesn’t crush it. And are we really expecting the returning cast of 60 and 70 year olds to still have their fastball?

How should you react?

Bad acting can be salvaged with good plot and fantastic set pieces. Doubt anyone will be talking about the acting regardless of the performances, so keep it to yourself unless its hilariously bad like the new trilogy.

What if Lost is somehow tied into this?

Disney Executive: Mr. Abrams? Can we speak to you about the reveal in Act 3?

J.J. Abrams: Which one is that?

DE: The…the one where you pan out of Kashyyyk and its revealed that there’s a plane crash…

JA: Oh, that one.

DE: Yeah…

JA: Cool huh?

DE: Not exactly my word for it, no.

JA: Why, what’s wrong?

DE: Don’t you think doing a universe crossover with a 5 year old TV show that has aged into a pop culture laughingstock is a bad idea?

JA: Hey don’t drag Fringe into this!

DE: I wasn’t talking about Fringe! Fringe didn’t have a plane crash!

JA: Did you not watch Fringe?

DE: No one watched Fringe!

JA: I just wanted Terry O’Quinn to get work again!

DE: You can’t do a Lost crossover!

JA:

If a main character from the old series bites the dust

Boba Death.gif — You could pretend it didn’t happen…like everyone did with this.

In a deleted scene for an episode of Parks and Recreation, professional nerd Patton Oswalt launched into a filibuster on the his idea for the new Star Wars movie. About halfway through, he reveals that Chewbacca is killed in his version and Leslie Knope immediately exclaims “The kids aren’t gonna like that!” Now, that’s obviously just a fantastic comedy show that makes your life have less worth if you haven’t seen it…BUT, there’s a real point to be made there. J.J. Abrams has killed beloved characters before. Even in lucrative properties. Like Star Trek (well, he didn’t, and everyone knew he wasn’t going to kill Kirk, but man, they certainly tried really hard to make you think he was). Just don’t come crying to me if a Storm Trooper finally hits his shot and it catches old Han between the eyes.

How should you react?

Be devastated. We have at least 2 more movies after this. Seriously, who doesn’t wanna see Han and Chewie jugglin’ and smugglin’ their way through the new trilogy? If/when it happens, be prepared to cry. No one will blame you, and if they do, they’re a heartless bastard that probably hates dogs and loves kale and racism.

If there’s time travel

Which brings me back to the possible troubles of Mr. Abrams. You see, J.J. Abrams fucking loves time travel. Basically every show he does involves it in some way. Hell, even Felicity did, and that was basically just a college drama. And if you’re thinking “well, he wouldn’t do that to a major franchise like Star Wars,” well…

Yes Kirk, I’m that guy you hate now from the future, after we totally become BFFs. Also, watch out for the Sherlock looking douchebag, he’s a huge dick.

You just can’t rule it out. You’re thinking, “Oh man, what a great movie with a normal, easy to comprehend plot” and then BAM, you’re in Tattoine watching old Luke burn his uncle and aunt to a crisp to spark the entire franchise. It won’t make any sense, but he’ll do it. Just watch.

How should you react?

Laugh. Cry. Be one of the weird people that applauds in a movie theater like anyone who made it is listening. It’s fucking Star Wars. And it is awesome.

Let’s Talk About Fargo

November 21, 2015 ~ Sam Holt ~ 1 Comment

fargo-season-2-cast

I watched Fargo (the movie) in one of the lowest moments of my teen-aged life. I was a dumb 16-year-old kid thinking he was fresh off a catastrophic heartbreak. Obviously, in the scope of my life, it was absolutely nothing. But, for a wannabee emo/definitely nerdy kid with limited opportunities at any form of physical or emotional contact with the opposite sex, it was devastating. I felt like someone had ripped my aorta out of my chest, shoved it down my throat, and danced the Mexican Hat Dance around my double blood fountain of a body.

When I woke up on that dreary Saturday morning, I wanted to be transported into another world. I had bought a bunch of movies from MovieStop (cause I hated pirating movies and clearly hated money even more), and figured I’d just marathon all of them. I started with Fargo. And I honestly cannot tell you what other movies I saw that day.

Fargo transported me to a land that seemed tangibly real, yet so brutal. When you think about it, any sane person could easily find themselves in a Fargo-like plot (see also: just about every other Coen Brothers movie); one wrong decision by a desperate person and everything turns upside down on an uncontrollable roller coaster ride to hell. The fact that it can occur from basically nothing is what makes it so horrifying. And at the same time, so compelling. All surrounded by the “aw shucks” nature of the upper mid-west, yoop-ing their way to an adorable massacre.

So, when Fargo the TV Series was announced, I did the natural thing and…wait, I didn’t watch it? I waited over a year? Shit. Well, it’s true. I can’t claim I was there from the start. But fittingly, I came home after one of my lowest points of this year and blasted through Season 1 on Hulu (it’s still there if you have Hulu…or you can torrent it like a fucking felon). And it was phenomenal. You don’t need to watch Season 1 to enjoy Season 2 though, since it is just a prequel, with an entirely new cast with only two characters (so far) from the first season. I can’t recommend it highly enough.

Now, Season 2 has been probably one of the greatest seasons of TV in this golden generation of TV dramas. It still has 4 episodes to go, but we’ve reached a pivotal point of the season. Last year, at this point we had just witnessed probably the best episode of the season, Buridan’s Ass, which really amped everything up leading to a great conclusion. Well, this past Monday’s episode, Rhinoceros, didn’t need to do that. This whole GD season has been more amped than the My New Haircut guy drinking protein shakes mixed with Surge. I have a lot of thoughts, so I’m just going to spill them all out and get it over with. This post will contain NO UNMARKED SPOILERS (and those that exist are in white text, so you need to highlight it to see it). But, if you haven’t watched Season 2 of Fargo, fix that pronto. You’ll thank me later. It’s all on FX’s website as long as you have access to someone’s cable subscription. Or again, torrent it like the larcenist your mother warned you about. So, starting off with what you probably have already heard:

The cast is ridiculous

Meth Damon returns with a little more baby fat.

Somehow, there are only five cast members that get star billing (oddly, Jean Smart is one of them, even though they hoard her from the screen like your weird aunt did with Beanie Babies in the 90s). Patrick Wilson and Ted Danson act like they’ve been together for years. Kirsten Dunst gets her first real role in like 10 years (more on that later). And after watching Jesse Plemons portray probably the most hated person I’ve watched in the past 5 years or so, it’s so enjoyable to watch him bumble his way through the train derailment that Fargo always delivers. Everyone plays their part brilliantly, but it’s one man who I’ll admit I knew nothing about that stands above the rest.

Mike Milligan is killing it, ya’ll

Mike Milligan

Bokeem Woodbine’s IMDb page is less than impressive. The only thing that stood out was playing Massive Genius on a Sopranos episode, and that part was not exactly memorable. But his portrayal of Mike Milligan this season is just crushing. If you’ve ever watched Firefly, picture Jubal Early (the bounty hunter from the last episode) in the 1970s with more charisma and even more sadism. He has more great lines than the rest of the cast put together (and that’s saying something), and seems to be putting Billy Bob Thornton on notice on the runaway best villain of the series. If Milligan had cologne, I’d buy it. Buy it in a heartbeat. I don’t even wear cologne, but I’d shower in that shit.

This season goes 0-60 in about 30 minutes.

Which, in TV time that would be the equivalent of a car doing it in about 1.9 seconds. Like, I barely had time to reminisce about my favorite Keiran Culkin lines from Scott Pilgrim before he (highlight the white text for spoiler) was already completing a triple homicide and getting acquainted with Kirsten Dunst’s windshield. Season 1 does this by the end of the first half of the first episode, and it felt necessary and left an indelible mark on the rest of the season. It acts like an episode of CSI, with all the action happening at the beginning of the episode. I half expected to hear Roger Daltry scream “YEAH!” after Peggy started driving away. Now, I’m not sure how I feel about (highlight for spoiler) Keiran Culkin seeming kinda zombie-ish at the end of episode 1 (remember Lou’s quote in season 1 “It wasn’t so much a who…more of a what”), but regardless, that first episode gave everyone their roles and sent them on their way with a greased up rocket stapled to their ass.

Missing some Ron Swanson in your life? May I present to you more Ron Swanson.

nick-offerman

Nick Offerman may very well be stuck being typecast the rest of his career. The only non-Swanson-y character I can think of that he portrayed was Metalbeard from the Lego Movie, which was a really weird move since he has such a velvety voice, but that character was still great. The Fargo version of Ron Swanson may be missing the trademark mustache (which may elicit more than a few gasps from those who recognize him), but don’t be fooled. If you wanted to see Ron Swanson as a late 70s auto mechanic, look no further. And that is only one of his many talents…he is also an accomplished esquire.

Can someone please give Cristin Milioti a role that doesn’t end in tragedy?

Fargo-Cristin-Milioti-cropped-727x522 — Here’s a rare picture of a Cristin Milioti character not currently going through a tremendous tragedy.

Cristin Milioti is damn near perfect. She’s can sing, she can act, she’s smart, adorable and hilarious. And her character in Fargo is one of my favorites. But, her character has cancer (this is established right away, so not necessarily a spoiler). Now, that doesn’t make her character bad (it actually makes her stronger in a lot of ways). It’s just she can’t seem to catch a break. In Wolf of Wall Street, she finds out Leonardo DiCaprio is cheating on her (though, to her credit, props to getting Leo in the first place). In the Sopranos, her father is arrested and later dies of cancer in prison. In A to Z, her show gets cancelled. And in How I Met Your Mother…just…no. I can’t talk about that. Look, we know she’s not around in the future. So it’s unclear at this time whether or not she survives Season 2. But it’s destined to be tragic. If I’m an inspiring petite Italian girl and there’s a biopic about to be made about me, I just destroy her audition tapes and save myself the trouble.

Welcome back Kirsten Dunst!

Okay, I know what you’re thinking. “Kirsten Dunst never left!” Okay, sure, that may be true. Remind me, what’s your favorite Kirsten Dunst role of the last 5 years? I’ll wait…

Did you come up with anything? That episode of Portlandia maybe? Point is, Kirsten Dunst has been out of the spotlight for a while now. She’s had a weird career. An accomplished child actor, she starred in a bunch of mid-90s roles (Jumanji probably the most memorable), then went on to have a moderately successful run in the late-90s (Virgin Suicides). She then went on to cult classic Bring It On before landing her biggest role as Mary-Jane Watson in Spider-Man at age 20. Twenty! When I was 20, I was a college tour guide that enjoyed being awful at ultimate frisbee and definitely not drinking Miller High Life’s every weekend. Kirsten Dunst was the female lead in what would become one of the most successful movie trilogies of all time. She also grabbed a role in cult classic Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, and then followed that up with Spider-Man 2, which many believe to be one of the best comic book movies ever.

Then she hit the mid-00s or as I like to call it, the Marie Antoinette phase. She started with Elizabethtown, which created the negative connotation of the Manic Pixie Dream Gir l, then Marie Antoinette, Spider-Man 3, stumbled into How to Lose Friends and Alienate People, before basically going radio dark. Honestly, the only role I’ve seen her in the past 5 years of any substance was Bachelorette. If you’re wondering what Bachelorette is, picture the Hangover but instead it’s Zach Galifinakis getting married, and he’s barely in the movie. Also, Bradley Cooper is super dumb, and Ed Helms is a total unenjoyable dick. Kirsten Dunst played Ed Helms. The only thing that saved that movie from being a complete waste of time was Lizzy Caplan.

Lizzy Caplan

Anywho, after that rant contrived to create an excuse for a Lizzy Caplan GIF, you understand what I mean. Ironically, Kirsten Dunst is playing a character that has never had her shot, rather than one seeking redemption. She wants to get to Sioux Falls no matter what to pursue her dream of attending a seminar (something I accomplished when I was 20…suck on that one Dunst). But there’s gonna be a slight problem. See, sprinkled through Season 1, Old Lou Solverson, as well as a few cops, mention the absolute shit show that occurred in Sioux Falls in the late-70s. So that’s where we’re headed. And I cannot wait to see what happens.

Shut Up Bender

by Sam Holt

Uncategorized

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For the Watchers: S6E2 Home

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