2015 certainly was a year.  It’s got its own Wikipedia page and everything.  But unlike 2015, I don’t have my own Wikipedia page to regale my thousands upon thousands of fans to look up speculative facts about who I’m dating and what I’m allergic to.  So how would you ever know what my favorite things of 2015 were?  Spoiler alert, you wouldn’t.  And that’s a damn shame because everyone should know my opinion and not everyone is constantly within ear shot of me.  And even when they are, they are usually telling me to “please stop” and “wait, were you talking to me this whole time?”  So, that’s why I pay the big bucks to have my own website.  So here it is, deal with it.  You have to read it.  Don’t try clicking the X, you’re already here.  Might as well hunker down, get a nice hot beverage, and bask in my opinions.  Seriously, without my opinions I’m just some garbage goblin that cares way too much about Game of Thrones.

Best Movie – Star Wars: The Force Awakens (No spoilers, promise)

I’ll be honest, I don’t watch movies in theaters a lot.  The floors are sticky, you can’t talk to anyone, and everyone claps at the end like their kid got a hit in Little League, only their kid is actually a billionaire company and that hit is another billion dollars.  I think I went to the theater 4 times this year: Star Wars, Jurassic World, Kingsman, and the aforeblogged Pitch Perfect 2.  There’s a few on my list like the new Hunger Games, The Revenant, and (super regrettably) Inside Out, but I have to write this list sometime.  And if you’re wondering where the fuck Mad Max: Fury Road is…chill.  I watched it literally 30 minutes ago.  I couldn’t in good conscience start this list without witnessing it.  And guess what?  It’s witnessed.  And it’s great.  But it’s no Star Wars to me.

So here’s the thing.  Is Star Wars a perfect movie?  No.  But neither was Jurassic World, but I loved it because of subjective nostalgia and love of the world in which it resides.  A fucked up world where super dumb scientists continue to think recreating the same catastrophic disaster is a good idea.  Seriously, in their canon, they let a fucking featherless T-Rex destroy half of San Diego and eat an Andy Dick impersonator.  Opposed to that, Star Wars makes a lot of sense once the bad guys figure out they can just build a new death star without exhaust ports.  Speaking of which, everyone complains that Force Awakens is basically a remake of A New Hope.  Oh no.  Please, shield my eyes from the movie that replicates one of the greatest movies ever made.  Force Awakens does plenty different than the original trilogy, including humor that I didn’t realize was missing from the Star Wars movies until it was laid out in front of me.  Sure it was safe, but it was an enjoyable ride throughout and made me leave with a huge smile on my face.  Though it should be noted if they put more Jesse in Pitch Perfect 2, this could’ve been a different story.

Runners Up: Mad Max: Fury Road, Jurassic World

Best Video Game – Life is Strange

If you told me at the beginning of the year that in a year with Star Wars Battlefront, Fallout 4, and a Game of Thrones game made by one of my favorite developers, that my favorite game would be about a high school girl taking pictures and rewinding time then I’d think…wait, yeah, that sounds about right.  Okay, hear me out.  I love shit blowing up, but Life is Strange hits you where it hurts…with high school angst and folk pop.  A lot of you reading this have probably never heard of Life is Strange, and a lot of you would probably hate it.  But tough titties, you’re gonna learn.  Life is Strange is a interactive story game (think a choose your own adventure…the game is mostly just dialogue and puzzles, with various decisions that must be made that will affect the plot) that pits you as a senior in a photography school in the pacific northwest.  It’s pretty much hipster central, but instead of choosing which lensless glasses go with your Grizzly Bear t-shirt, you have time travel powers.  The real story here is the lengths you will go to save your best friend while uncovering the truth behind the many mysteries around the town.  It’s thrilling and touching in a way got me in a way I wasn’t expecting.  You do need to get by some atrocious attempts at adults trying to figure out what the kids are saying.  Here are some of my favorites:

• “I hope you checked the perimeter, as my step-ass would say. Now, let’s talk bidness-“
• “The last time I got the flu shot, I got the flu. Fuck you.”
• “Ready for the mosh pit, shaka brah.” (said ironically…I think)
• “Amazeballs! I literally got chills all over my neck.”
• “Groundhog Day-ja vu”

And finally, the favorite…“Why don’t you go fuck your selfie.”

It’s certainly lame at points, but it really has charm and paints one of the most realistic friendships in media that really makes you care about the characters.  And some very serious issues are brought up, including depression, anxiety, drug use, and some shit that rivals Criminal Minds in levels of fucked up.  If you like a good story in your video games, I encourage you to give it a shot.  If you don’t care about video games, my mom would probably like you to invite me to play outside.

Runners Up: Rocket League, Fallout 4

Best TV Show – You’re the Worst

I know what you’re thinking…how is this not Game of Thrones?  Yeah, that’s like most of what I do here.  The rest is writing up long posts I end up hating and deleting and ignoring it while forgetting that I’m paying a fee for my website to exist.  But when Game of Thrones is going strong, I know my faithful readers will come in droves to get some hot takes.  So why is it not number one?  Well…it wasn’t great this season.  Don’t get me wrong, it was still good.  But come on, please name your favorite moments from the first 5 episodes?  Was it the time Arya washed a corpse?  Perhaps when Bronn and Jaime barely got in a fight?  Here’s looking to a great new season in a few months, but there are other shows that killed it this season.

There were three fantastic shows this year that all were nearly perfect to me for varying reasons…and all of them reside on the same family of networks.  I haven’t been talking about the runner ups at this point really, but I feel a hat tip to Man Seeking Woman is necessary.  It is just an absolute masterpiece of showing how normal awkward dudes attempt to survive the dating scene in creative and abstract ways.  Whether it’s your ex girlfriend dating Hitler or your current girlfriend going to see her male friend (who happens to be a Japanese Penis Monster who is “just a friend”), Man Seeking Woman takes everyday struggles and turns them into hilarious absurdity.  Please take 7 minutes out of your day and just watch the “what to text her” scene to see what this show is capable of.

Fargo was second, as I previous gushed over, but it didn’t end as perfectly as I was hoping.  But what did end perfectly was You’re the Worst.  The second season of the tale between two star-crossed sociopaths tackled more than just bad people doing bad things.  It struck a deep chord, and one that hit me personally very hard.  I encourage you to watch the season on your own and to skip to the next category before I spoil it, but if there’s 0% chance you will watch it on your own, consider the mid-season reveal I will tell you.  Gretchen, one of the two main characters of the show, revealed that she had clinical depression.  The rest of the season portrayed the decimation the disease had on their relationship, with Jimmy trying to fix Gretchen while being unable to comprehend her inner struggle as anything but laziness.  It was gut wrenching to watch, even as it made me laugh multiple times per episode (“I like to play Snake while I cry”).  It is not my place to go into the specifics of why this dynamic affected me so deeply, but I can say that knowing many people with depression and interacting with them throughout my life within my family and my friends, it was portrayed accurately and effectively, even reaching a conclusion that satisfied me even if it had a touch of “oh-so-convenient.”  The final scene of the season was so perfect, I’d even be happy if there was never another episode (as they expected would be the case until they got picked up for a third season after filming concluded).  But mercifully, I will have another season to wallow with these trash humans who are endearing as they are despicable.

Runners Up: Fargo, Man Seeking Woman

Let’s hope 2016 is as good a year for content and stops killing all our favorite celebrities.  Take us out Snape! (spoilers for the last book/movie)

I watched Fargo (the movie) in one of the lowest moments of my teen-aged life.  I was a dumb 16-year-old kid thinking he was fresh off a catastrophic heartbreak.  Obviously, in the scope of my life, it was absolutely nothing.  But, for a wannabee emo/definitely nerdy kid with limited opportunities at any form of physical or emotional contact with the opposite sex, it was devastating.  I felt like someone had ripped my aorta out of my chest, shoved it down my throat, and danced the Mexican Hat Dance around my double blood fountain of a body.

When I woke up on that dreary Saturday morning, I wanted to be transported into another world.  I had bought a bunch of movies from MovieStop (cause I hated pirating movies and clearly hated money even more), and figured I’d just marathon all of them.  I started with Fargo.  And I honestly cannot tell you what other movies I saw that day.

Fargo transported me to a land that seemed tangibly real, yet so brutal.  When you think about it, any sane person could easily find themselves in a Fargo-like plot (see also: just about every other Coen Brothers movie); one wrong decision by a desperate person and everything turns upside down on an uncontrollable roller coaster ride to hell.  The fact that it can occur from basically nothing is what makes it so horrifying.  And at the same time, so compelling.  All surrounded by the “aw shucks” nature of the upper mid-west, yoop-ing their way to an adorable massacre.

So, when Fargo the TV Series was announced, I did the natural thing and…wait, I didn’t watch it?  I waited over a year?  Shit.  Well, it’s true.  I can’t claim I was there from the start.  But fittingly, I came home after one of my lowest points of this year and blasted through Season 1 on Hulu (it’s still there if you have Hulu…or you can torrent it like a fucking felon).  And it was phenomenal. You don’t need to watch Season 1 to enjoy Season 2 though, since it is just a prequel, with an entirely new cast with only two characters (so far) from the first season.  I can’t recommend it highly enough.

Now, Season 2 has been probably one of the greatest seasons of TV in this golden generation of TV dramas.  It still has 4 episodes to go, but we’ve reached a pivotal point of the season.  Last year, at this point we had just witnessed probably the best episode of the season, Buridan’s Ass, which really amped everything up leading to a great conclusion.  Well, this past Monday’s episode, Rhinoceros, didn’t need to do that.  This whole GD season has been more amped than the My New Haircut guy drinking protein shakes mixed with Surge.  I have a lot of thoughts, so I’m just going to spill them all out and get it over with.  This post will contain NO UNMARKED SPOILERS (and those that exist are in white text, so you need to highlight it to see it). But, if you haven’t watched Season 2 of Fargo, fix that pronto.   You’ll thank me later.  It’s all on FX’s website as long as you have access to someone’s cable subscription.  Or again, torrent it like the larcenist your mother warned you about.  So, starting off with what you probably have already heard:

The cast is ridiculous

Somehow, there are only five cast members that get star billing (oddly, Jean Smart is one of them, even though they hoard her from the screen like your weird aunt did with Beanie Babies in the 90s).  Patrick Wilson and Ted Danson act like they’ve been together for years.  Kirsten Dunst gets her first real role in like 10 years (more on that later).  And after watching Jesse Plemons portray probably the most hated person I’ve watched in the past 5 years or so, it’s so enjoyable to watch him bumble his way through the train derailment that Fargo always delivers.  Everyone plays their part brilliantly, but it’s one man who I’ll admit I knew nothing about that stands above the rest.

Mike Milligan is killing it, ya’ll

Bokeem Woodbine’s IMDb page is less than impressive.  The only thing that stood out was playing Massive Genius on a Sopranos episode, and that part was not exactly memorable.  But his portrayal of Mike Milligan this season is just crushing.  If you’ve ever watched Firefly, picture Jubal Early (the bounty hunter from the last episode) in the 1970s with more charisma and even more sadism.  He has more great lines than the rest of the cast put together (and that’s saying something), and seems to be putting Billy Bob Thornton on notice on the runaway best villain of the series.  If Milligan had cologne, I’d buy it.  Buy it in a heartbeat.  I don’t even wear cologne, but I’d shower in that shit.

This season goes 0-60 in about 30 minutes.

Which, in TV time that would be the equivalent of a car doing it in about 1.9 seconds.  Like, I barely had time to reminisce about my favorite Keiran Culkin lines from Scott Pilgrim before he (highlight the white text for spoiler) was already completing a triple homicide and getting acquainted with Kirsten Dunst’s windshield.  Season 1 does this by the end of the first half of the first episode, and it felt necessary and left an indelible mark on the rest of the season.  It acts like an episode of CSI, with all the action happening at the beginning of the episode.  I half expected to hear Roger Daltry scream “YEAH!” after Peggy started driving away.  Now, I’m not sure how I feel about (highlight for spoiler) Keiran Culkin seeming kinda zombie-ish at the end of episode 1 (remember Lou’s quote in season 1 “It wasn’t so much a who…more of a what”), but regardless, that first episode gave everyone their roles and sent them on their way with a greased up rocket stapled to their ass.

Missing some Ron Swanson in your life?  May I present to you more Ron Swanson.

Nick Offerman may very well be stuck being typecast the rest of his career.  The only non-Swanson-y character I can think of that he portrayed was Metalbeard from the Lego Movie, which was a really weird move since he has such a velvety voice, but that character was still great.  The Fargo version of Ron Swanson may be missing the trademark mustache (which may elicit more than a few gasps from those who recognize him), but don’t be fooled.  If you wanted to see Ron Swanson as a late 70s auto mechanic, look no further.  And that is only one of his many talents…he is also an accomplished esquire.

Can someone please give Cristin Milioti a role that doesn’t end in tragedy?

Cristin Milioti is damn near perfect.  She’s can sing, she can act, she’s smart, adorable and hilarious.  And her character in Fargo is one of my favorites.  But, her character has cancer (this is established right away, so not necessarily a spoiler).  Now, that doesn’t make her character bad (it actually makes her stronger in a lot of ways).  It’s just she can’t seem to catch a break.  In Wolf of Wall Street, she finds out Leonardo DiCaprio is cheating on her (though, to her credit, props to getting Leo in the first place).  In the Sopranos, her father is arrested and later dies of cancer in prison.  In A to Z, her show gets cancelled.  And in How I Met Your Mother…just…no.  I can’t talk about that.  Look, we know she’s not around in the future.  So it’s unclear at this time whether or not she survives Season 2.  But it’s destined to be tragic.  If I’m an inspiring petite Italian girl and there’s a biopic about to be made about me, I just destroy her audition tapes and save myself the trouble.

Welcome back Kirsten Dunst!

Okay, I know what you’re thinking.  “Kirsten Dunst never left!”  Okay, sure, that may be true.  Remind me, what’s your favorite Kirsten Dunst role of the last 5 years?  I’ll wait…

Did you come up with anything?  That episode of Portlandia maybe?  Point is, Kirsten Dunst has been out of the spotlight for a while now.  She’s had a weird career.  An accomplished child actor, she starred in a bunch of mid-90s roles (Jumanji probably the most memorable), then went on to have a moderately successful run in the late-90s (Virgin Suicides).  She then went on to cult classic Bring It On before landing her biggest role as Mary-Jane Watson in Spider-Man at age 20.  Twenty!  When I was 20, I was a college tour guide that enjoyed being awful at ultimate frisbee and definitely not drinking Miller High Life’s every weekend.  Kirsten Dunst was the female lead in what would become one of the most successful movie trilogies of all time.  She also grabbed a role in cult classic Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, and then followed that up with Spider-Man 2, which many believe to be one of the best comic book movies ever.

Then she hit the mid-00s or as I like to call it, the Marie Antoinette phase. She started with Elizabethtown, which created the negative connotation of the Manic Pixie Dream Girl, then Marie Antoinette,  Spider-Man 3, stumbled into How to Lose Friends and Alienate People, before basically going radio dark.  Honestly, the only role I’ve seen her in the past 5 years of any substance was Bachelorette.  If you’re wondering what Bachelorette is, picture the Hangover but instead it’s Zach Galifinakis getting married, and he’s barely in the movie.  Also, Bradley Cooper is super dumb, and Ed Helms is a total unenjoyable dick.  Kirsten Dunst played Ed Helms.  The only thing that saved that movie from being a complete waste of time was Lizzy Caplan.

Anywho, after that rant contrived to create an excuse for a Lizzy Caplan GIF, you understand what I mean.  Ironically, Kirsten Dunst is playing a character that has never had her shot, rather than one seeking redemption.  She wants to get to Sioux Falls no matter what to pursue her dream of attending a seminar (something I accomplished when I was 20…suck on that one Dunst).  But there’s gonna be a slight problem.  See, sprinkled through Season 1, Old Lou Solverson, as well as a few cops, mention the absolute shit show that occurred in Sioux Falls in the late-70s.  So that’s where we’re headed.  And I cannot wait to see what happens.

Okay.  So, that break was longer than expected.  Sure, I can say that it was because I started taking classes to pursue a Master’s, or because my job ramps up in the summer, but those are just excuses.  Truth is I’ve had nothing to write about and haven’t bothered really buckling down and trying to come up with something.  Honestly, I was very close to writing Neville Longbottom: Vampire Hunter only partly ironically.  Not a joke.  I got a good plot laid out and honestly…nope, still a horrible idea.

It’s really hard when Game of Thrones isn’t on.  Seriously, when your favorite show currently airing is about an alcoholic scientist that routinely gets his whiny grandson in terrible predicaments, it becomes pretty difficult to write a blog about what you’re watching.  But honestly, I could write recaps of all the comedies I’m watching.  But most of them I can do justice to in a sentence.  Rick and Morty is a great show if you’re an immature person that enjoys dark humor.  You’re the Worst is the comedy of my generation that no one is watching, though it is currently trying to re-find it’s footing after a great first season.  Brooklyn Nine-Nine’s first episode was decent and Gina Linetti is still one of my favorite characters on TV for reasons I can’t explain.  And Dr. Who’s pilot episode was…well, I can’t say anything that will improve this.  So how do you make fun of shows that are already light and funny?  You can’t really.  But there are a lot of shows I don’t watch that people constantly tell me I’d love.  Here’s why I don’t watch your show:

Mad Men

Everybody LOOOOOVES Mad Men.  Oh man, Don Draper, the suitcase, hot red heads, smoking indoors…this show has got it all.  You know what it doesn’t have?  Happy people.  Why does everyone have to be so angry all the time?  You’re all rich people getting hammered and doing drugs, stop being so mad.

Orange is the New Black

What’s Donna from That 70’s Show doing in a prison?  And why isn’t she like 63?  Is she a time lord?  I also already watched Oz, and I imagine they’re basically the same show.

Downton Abbey

It’s tremendously hard for me to watch anything British that doesn’t include magic, dragons, everyday office work, or a sociopathic detective that’s most endearing quality is being best friends with Martin Freeman.

How to Get Away with Murder

Uh, shouldn’t we be setting a better example for the kids?  My mom wouldn’t let me play Grand Theft Auto until I was 17, and look how I turned out!  (Okay, bad example.)

Empire

More of a Rebel Alliance guy myself, though I thought it was cool they got Terrence Howard to play Darth Vader.

Ray Donovan

My guesses for what Ray Donovan is about:

1. A secret agent with a dark past that gets slowly revealed during his weekly exploits.
2. A sequel to the Omen.
3. An Everybody Loves Raymond reboot where Ray gets put in witness protection and is seeking revenge after the mob finds his family.

Bones

Every time I hear about Bones, all I can think about is this scene from The Town.

American Horror Story

I’m a pussy.

The Americans

Just kidding, no one ever asks if I’m watching The Americans.

House of Cards

Honestly, I’ve watched it all, I just pretend I don’t because it’s easier than saying how terrible it’s become.

That’s it, I promise in the upcoming weeks, I’ll get my shit together.

This Sunday felt especially empty.  Turning on HBO and seeing the morose trudging that is True Detective doesn’t scratch the same itch.  Sure, it’s gritty and engaging, but who are all these characters?  Why do I care?  When they inevitably die, I won’t have 5 seasons of bonding that will make the death hurt that much more.  That’s what I miss from Game of Thrones being off air for 10 months.  So, to celebrate another great season (I mean, it was at least good) I’m going to hand out some end of season awards.  Completely subjective.  Actually, you’ll probably disagree with me on a lot of them.  How much do I care?  Let’s ask Sansa:

Thanks Sansa.  Let’s start slow and build to the juicy awards.

Worst New Character: The Waif

Look.  I hate two-thirds of the Sand Snakes just like everyone else…but The Waif (Arya’s corpse washing buddy) just represented everything I hated about Arya’s arch this season.  She’s being held back and the training is just torturous…to her and the viewer.  At least the Sand Snakes were always threatening to be interesting, even if inevitably they weren’t.

Silver Medal: Septa Unella (SHAME), Bronze Medal: Nymeria Sand (She loses to Obara since Obara at least killed a dude with a spear…even though he was buried up to his neck in scorpion sand.)

Best New Character: Doran Martell

You know what?  Dorne would’ve been way better this season if they let this guy out once and a while.  Dude was spitting daggers every time he was on screen.  His batting average was staggering.  Yet, he barely showed up…but he still gets the gold for me.  Karsi probably would’ve gotten it just for her a capella skills alone, but she got murdered in her first episode by some undead children even though they were nice enough to be the only zombies to ever not immediately attack when they saw someone.

Silver: Wun Wun the Giant; Bronze: Tyene Sand’s…um…personality

Best Line not by Tyrion: “For the Watch.”

It’s simple, but it’s effective.  And it will be by far the most enduring line going into the next season.  It also signifies things coming full circle.  Jon Snow joined the Watch to prove himself…and now he finds himself on death’s doorstep because he “betrayed” his brothers.

Silver: “We both peddle fantasies, Brother Lancel.  Mine just happen to be entertaining.” – Petyr Baelish

Bronze: “Shut your mouth” – Daario Naharis

Worst Line of the Season: “You know nothing, Jon Snow.”

This line is already corny, but then they rolled it back for Melisandre.  Sure, it shows she’s…vaguely aware of…some shit.  I don’t know.  What I do know is my nose nearly broke due to the facepalm I felt obligated to apply to myself after this quip.

Silver: “Shame.  Shame.  Shame.” – Septa Unella, around the 16th time she said it.

Bronze: “I put an arrow through his heart.” – Jon Snow, forgetting the art of context.

Best Line by Tyrion: “She ought to offer her cunt.  Best part of her for the best part of me.”

Daggers.

Silver: “Guess again.” – in regards to his “Dwarf-sized cock”

Bronze: “I need to speak to someone with hair!”

Bonus: This.

Best Episode: “Hardhome”

In my opinion, 8 is the new 9.  For most, episode 9 of the first three seasons was the best episode.  Last year, you could probably make an argument for any of the last three, but “The Mountain and the Viper” was just top to bottom fantastic.  And this year Hardhome knocked us loopy with a second half showdown that not even book readers could see coming.  It was the sort of episode that is exactly why everyone watches this show.  And they didn’t even go to Dorne!  It was perfect!

Silver: “The Dance of Dragons” Bronze: “The House of Black and White”

Tyrion and Bronn Award for Best Pairing: Tyrion and Varys

Probably one of my favorite pairings early in earlier seasons, though they never shared much screen time.  This is also probably what I’m looking forward to most next season.  You know…that and WHY WOULD YOU KILL HIM IF WE STILL DON’T KNOW WHO HIS MOM IS?  JESUS FUCKING C-

Silver: Jaime and Bronn; Bronze: Tyrion and Jorah

Happiest Moment: Stannis and Shireen share a moment

It’s unfortunate that this would all be undercut by what happened later in the season, but the moment Stannis described to Shireen how committed he was to her and then her embracing him, it gave me all the feels this show never does.  I should’ve known better.

Silver: Varys returning to Tyrion; Bronze: Gilly and Sam

Saddest Moment: Shireen gets the witch treatment

I mean, her screams at least gave Ramsay Bolton a new ringtone…

Silver: Arya giving up Needle; Bronze: Somehow…Cersei’s walk of shame…shame…shame.

Fuck Yeah Moment: Arya Kills Meryn Trant

Silver: Dany rides a fucking dragon; Bronze: Tyene seduces Bronn

Fuck No Moment: “For the Watch”

I mean, until Jon Snow comes back next season.  That’s totally happening right?  RIGHT?  YOU WOULDN’T TALK ABOUT LYANNA STARK FOR NO REASON!  FOR FUCK’S SAKE, JUST-

Silver: Sons of the Harpy emerge in the crowd; Bronze: When Bronn almost dies

Biggest Riser: High Sparrow

The High Sparrow wasn’t exactly enigmatic.  He wasn’t flashy and he didn’t have a ton of quotable lines.  But he reinvigorated the show in amazing ways.  He shook up King’s Landing, he gave us another gray area villain that contemporary dramas have been serving up lately.  And he made us kinda feel bad about Cersei, which is quite an accomplishment.  I’m looking forward to seeing his rise and inevitable fall over the next season.

Silver: Olly; Bronze: Daario Naharis

Biggest Regresser: Jaime Lannister

Remember when Jaime Lannister used to run shit?  Like tossing children out of windows, slicing everyone in earshot with his tong#ue, and beating the shit out of basically everyone who bothered to challenge him?  I miss that Jaime.  This Jaime pouts on his horse and watches his daughter/niece die in his arms.  Who likes this Jaime?

Silver: Stannis Baratheon; Bronze: The Unsullied…they’re basically Storm Troopers now.

Best Character: Jon Snow

Listen, I know he got stabbed a bunch, but there was no doubt who ran this season.  Dude ran a clinic on badass this year.  And what does he get for it?  A fucking knife to the chest.  Again and again.  Fuck the Watch.  I said it.

Silver: Tyrion Lannister; Bronze: Samwell Tarly

And now, for my personal Top 10…all subjective, no reasoning around a lot of them.  I’ll give explanations for all…a lot of them I really should explain myself.

Personal Top 10:

10) Podrick Payne – It’s nice to know what I’d be like in this universe.  Most of his look and characteristics describe me.  And to answer your follow up questions, yes, ALL his characteristics.  Ladies.

9) Jaime Lannister – #NotMyJaime

8) Margaery Tyrell – Every moment this goddess is in jail, Tommen is fucking up.

7) Varys – “I did miss you.”

6) Bronn – I hope they find something for him to do next season…cause it’d be a huge waste if they don’t.  Probably the funniest character on the show.

5) Ramsay Bolton – Today is not the day I explain myself on this.  The short answer is I like enigmatic villains.  I await the day I can celebrate his downfall with the rest of you.

4) Arya Stark – Hopefully blind Arya is just as cool as regular Arya.  And hopefully she gets writing like pre-season 5 Arya.

3) Jon Snow? – WHY NOT JUST KILL EVERYONE AND START THE SHOW OVER AGAIN WITH FUCKING MUPPETS! YOU FUCKING FUCKS!

2) Petyr “Littlefinger” Baelish – The Don was mysteriously absent for a lot of this season.  Hoping for a strong return for Bae, he has way too much potential.

1) Tyrion Lannister – Tyrion has never wavered from being my favorite character.  I hate having a favorite character that a lot of people share.  I’d imagine that if you took all the people that favored Tyrion, Jon, and Dany on one side, there’d be a sparse amount of viewers on the other.  But Tyrion spits the best game and is ever the underdog, a formidable combination for anyone to ever overcome in my eyes.  He even makes me look forward to finding out what the fuck is going to happen to Meereen.

That about wraps up this year.  To most of my audience, I’ll be back probably during the off season at some point to break down casting.  For the rest of you, I’m planning on some interesting projects during the “off season.”  Stay tuned.  And one last time…For the Watch.

(Spoilers for every episode of Game of Thrones, including this one.  Seriously, turn back right now if you haven’t watched this episode.  I’m starting out with a huge spoiler.  For real, going to do it.  Honestly, I’m just doing this so the preview on Facebook doesn’t show the quote I’m starting with.  Okay, we safe to continue?  Good.)

“Now, here’s the underlying thing about Game of Thrones that we’ve learned through 4 1/2 seasons:  not everyone is truly as vulnerable as the show would want you to believe.  Some people are currently untouchable….If Dany dies, you feel like a huge section of the plot was absolutely pointless…that’s not shocking, that’s frustrating.  That’s infuriating…But that list of untouchables is shockingly short.  Dany and Jon Snow are probably the only two completely untouchable characters.” –Shut Up Bender “Sons of the Harpy” recap

Well.

First I should cop to being wrong…I was wrong to underestimate George R.R. Martin’s abilities to dismay his fans.  But, at what cost?  Honestly, I’m not even talking about losing Jon Snow, who was given the Julius Caesar treatment last night from the Night’s Watch.  I’m talking about the cost of shocking story telling in these works of fiction.  There are pretty much two things that can happen from here:

1) Melisandre gives Jon the Beric Dondarrion treatment and brings Jon back to life.

2) Jon Snow is dead, and either stays dead or comes back as a wight.

Here’s the problem with both theories.  If Jon is resurrected, it cheapens the moment of his death.  That sets a dangerous precedent where people can come back willy-nilly like comic book characters.  Obviously, Jon would probably be changed.  Beric lost part of his memory and was visibly scarred, and one would expect Jon to be the same.  Still though, this option is not very appealing to me.  There are already far too many zombies in this show, I don’t need more.  Also, there’s literally no way HBO can keep it quiet for an entire off season.  Do you think “Hot young stud Kit Harrington conspicuously does nothing for 9 months” is gonna play?  So, more than likely, anyone with a social media account will stumble on someone sharing an Entertainment Weekly article stating he’s filming in Iceland.  Then where’s the shock?  I get that it works for a book, but it doesn’t for a TV show…so why not kill Jon in Episode 9 (keeping up with tradition), and tease his resurrection in the finale?  I get that it would potentially spoil the books, but the readers are already butt hurt over everything else that’s changed, what’s one more thing?

The other option is just that Jon Snow is dead.  As my above quote explains, this is a particularly egregious thing to do to a reader/viewer.  This year was the first I finally turned around on Jon Snow.  He went from being mopey and boring to a genuine badass whose scenes I eagerly awaited each episode.  I was actually going to give him my coveted Oberyn Martell slot in my top 5 characters list that had remained up for grabs this entire season.  And truth be told, he probably moved up to 3 or 4 for me.  There was still loads of story to mine there: the inevitable Wildling crimes Jon would have to pay for, his fight against the White Walkers, and WHO IS HIS GD EFFING MOTHER?!  People who watch Game of Thrones without developing theories or speculating on the end game may see this and just be upset a beloved character died.  In the eyes of the speculators, this is a damning blow to many exciting theories.  All you can do is trust in George R.R. Martin (or at this point, David Benioff and D.B. Weiss) that this is all part of the plan and it’ll all work out from a narrative standpoint.

However, there’s a giant turd in the punch bowl now.  Whom do we cheer for?  Whom do we invest?  Should we even bother?  What’s to stop him from killing Dany now (who is finally out of Meereen, but is pretty much right back to where she started)?  Jon dying certainly deflates my interest in the end game in a way I didn’t think possible.  As Tyrion said last week, ““There’s always been more than enough death in the world for my taste. I can do without it in my leisure time.”  I come to Game of Thrones for an escape, and while shocking deaths and despair are part of the show, axing characters left and right doesn’t keep me interested in where the plot is going.  Why would I continue to watch this show if all it will do is build up my hopes only to have them dashed?  Shows I love like The Wire, Breaking Bad, and Lost killed major characters off all the time, but always with reason.  Sure, Game of Thrones wants to be real and not fantasy.  Jon Snow dies because in that situation, that’s what would happen.  But it also kills part of my interest in the show as a whole, and that’s not a good thing.

This finale also managed to leave almost every plot line up in the air.  Looking back on past seasons, this rarely happens.  Usually, each one is either wrapped up or turns to a different direction.  No one’s life usually is hanging in the balance.  As it stands now, we don’t know what condition Sansa and Theon are in (it’s entirely possible one or both of them are dead), nor do we know for certain if Stannis, Myrcella, or Jon are dead.  I’d put it at more likely than not Stannis and Myrcella are dead, but if you don’t see a body, you never know.  Not to mention, it’s rather ambiguous what’s going on with Arya and we’re not sure how pumped these particular Dothraki are to see Dany.  So let’s break all of this down, shall we?

Stannis had a pretty bad day huh? First, he loses half his army (eh, not so bad, you still have the other half).  Then his wife (she was a weirdo anyway, good riddance).  Then his advisor/mistress (she’s just a bandwagon fan, we got this!).  Then the other half of his army (wait…).  Then, he manages to find the only person in that forest that wouldn’t flay him alive.  Unfortunately, it was the long lost unrequited lover of his kinslayed brother, Renly.  You know what?  I’m throwing that in the W column for Stannis.  Killed with skin still intact.  Good for you buddy!

Also during the battle, just before we found out how awkwardly it is to fulfill a non-lethal threat against someone with a bow at point blank range…Reek became Theon again and eliminated Myranda in the Winterfell Royal Rumble.  Theon, is that any way to treat the last girl you had sex with?  I know it’s been a while for you, but jeez.  You know, now that I think about it, this was a bad day for Ramsay.  Lost his wife, his mistress, and didn’t even get to flay anyone after the battle.  No one wins in this show.

Speaking of not winning, Meryn Trant step right up.  Even if George R.R. Martin loves to torture his fans, he’s not gonna let a pedorapist run free.  I haven’t felt so fulfilled by a character’s death since the last season of Breaking Bad when [Redacted] killed [Redacted] (link obviously has spoilers for Breaking Bad).  The scene with Jaqen H’ghar needs a bit of explanation as to what the fuck is going on, but luckily there was enough other shit going on this episode that this became a footnote.

Good news:  Dany is finally out of Meereen!  Bad news:  Now she’s back where she started, in the Dothraki Sea.  No one really has any idea how this is going to play out.  Remember, not all Dothraki were loyal to Dany.  Someone killed Rakharo in this easily forgettable scene from Season 2.  These are probably among those Dothraki, but no one knows how they’ll react to Dany (or even know who she is).  Chances are, you don’t wanna be her.  But it’s better than her brooding in Meereen for another season.  Instead we get treated to Tyrion and Varys 2.0!  I’m actually pretty excited for this.  I’d watch an entire season of just them making jokes about each other while slowly turning Meereen around.  And the way everyone got dropped this year, that might be exactly what happens.

And now, a Dornish interlude:

Ellaria:  Myrcella, darling!  I’m going to miss you so much!  I could just kiss you!

Myrcella:  That’s a little weird…no family kisses on the lips in Westeros, even you wackos.

Jaime: That is weird, you’re not like pulling a Poison Ivy thing right?

Ellaria:  Hmm?

Jaime:  You know, from Batman & Robin?  Uma Thurman? Poisons her enemies by kissing them?

Ellaria:  Nah, that’s impossible.

Jaime:  I don’t know, what do you think Bronn?

Bronn:  What?  I wasn’t listening, I was too busy thinking about what position I’m going to start with when I film “A Knight in the Sand:  Tyene Me Crazy.”

Jaime: You need a better pun for that title.

Bronn:  You’re right, could you give me a hand with that?

Jaime: …

Myrcella:  Guys, I’m dying.

Back in King’s Landing, we got a half-assed apology from Cersei and a full-assed walk to the Red Keep.  Did anyone else see the distance to the Red Keep and think “Damn, that’s a long walk, wonder what happened to Arya with her eyes…oh, we’re gonna keep watching her walk?  Well that would take like 20 solid minutes…oh.”  Wouldn’t have been bad if Cersei didn’t have the world’s worst hype man behind her the entire time.  The only thing that was a shame was that no one pegged that nun with some of that garbage.  Though, I’m guessing now with Zombie Mountain, that septa is going to have a lot worse shit heading towards her.

I will have a wrap up post handing out some awards for the best characters and moments of the season.  Until then, don’t hire a little kid to be your servant and then let everyone who murdered his family free to farm the lands of his family.