*Spoilers through this episode of Game of Thrones*

All the chatter I’ve heard over this episode is pretty divisive.  I’ve heard people call it the best episode of Game of Thrones and I’ve heard others call it straight up bad.  I’ve heard people complain that they couldn’t see anything because of the darkness, and I’ve heard others say it increased the dramatic tension.  I’ve heard some people say there weren’t enough deaths and I’ve heard other people say not enough Brans died.  Okay, that last one was mostly me.  In the end, I’m personally just glad that the Ice Zombies are done and dusted.  Now we’re on to King’s Landing for what might be a triple-threat match for the Iron Throne.  While, currently, Dany and the North remain aligned, the next episode will be a big deal for them.  There’s multiple people that can be swayed to each side, and the fact that we get this kind of political intrigue instead of watching a bunch of frozen fucking dead dudes just ravage everything is just so goddamn satisfying.  Thank you, Arya, for giving me my last season back.  I always hoped Westeros’ favorite baby-faced assassin would get to play a prominent role, but I never thought it would be the MOST prominent role.  She fucking saved the entire world.  She told the haters and that twerp the God of Death where to stick it.  And it was with the pointy end. 

Now, onto another big division, which was, well, the lack of deaths.  It seemed like many expected this episode to be a bloodbath.  And when it came down to it, the side of the living only had 6 named deaths.  And of those 6, only 3 see their names in the opening credits (Jorah, Theon, and the recently returned Melisandre).  Last week, out of the 11 predictions I made, only 3 of the people I spoke about had a greater than zero chance to die.  Of those 3, two did die (Jorah and Theon) while the other – Bran – stayed alive…well, like, however alive his witchy ass is these days.  But, even still, I’d still say I was wildly off. As I alluded to within the blog, I expected a ton of lesser names to die.  I mean, look at the classic signs!  Grey Worm and Missandei both talked about their retirement.  Survived.  Davos talked about how many battles he’s already lived through.  Survived.  Gendry and Arya fucking boned!  Survived.  I should’ve expected the rules of normal conventional storytelling don’t apply to Game of Thrones since they lopped off their main character’s head at the end of Season 1.  Look, I’m happy those people all survived, along with Podrick and Tormund.  Fucking unbelievable.  But to only kill Beric, Lyanna, and Edd seemed weak.  Though, I guess there’s still a lot of time left in the show, and plenty of more potentials deaths.  Still, I’d advise no more retirement plans or fornication until the show is over, just to be safe.  You especially, Podrick, keep that damn hammer in your pants!

Meanwhile, in the crypts…

Tyrion:  Gods, I should be up there!  This is ridiculous…

Sansa:  Tyrion, you’d get bodied, calm down and stay here.

Varys:  Yeah, Tyrion, its fine, just stay down here.

Tyrion:  Wait, why the fuck are you down here?

Varys:  Beg your pardon?

Tyrion:  Why is everyone else out there while you’re in here?

Varys:  Well, I’m not much of a fighter, so I came in with the women and the children.

Sansa:  Lyanna is both and she’s out there.

Varys:  Yeah, but, like, I have no dick…

Missandei:  Neither does Grey Worm.

Sansa:  Or Theon.

Varys:  I’m scared to fight!

Gilly:  So is Sam, and that bumbling sack of wet naps killed a White Walker.

Varys:  I’ve never killed anyone!

Tyrion:  You killed-

Varys:  Only in the books!

Tyrion:  Oh, for fuck’s sake.

Varys: What do you want me to do, snitch on the Night King?

Tyrion: …actually yeah, you got anything?

Varys:  He’s actually self-conscious about his height.

Tyrion: …

Before we go to quick hits, I’d like to touch upon the big deaths.  Theon and Jorah, both of whom had 8 seasons of storylines that came to a compelling close on Sunday, both went out in style, defending what their honor demanded.  Theon, finally atoning for taking Winterfell form Bran in Season 2, gave his life moronically bravely charging the fucking Night King before getting swiftly dispatched.  Though, honestly…I know Theon was never a noteworthy fighter, but pretty shitty to go out losing a spear vs sword matchup at mid-range.  Also, Jorah, after leading a charge at death itself, managed to use his last breaths defending Dany from a horde basically single-handed.  Dany had to put in a few weak-ass stabs because Drogon got his ass swarmed with wights like a bunch of angry remora on a whale shark (sorry, I’ve been watching a lot of David Attenborough ocean documentaries lately).  I always had a soft spot for Jorah, Lord Commander of the Friend-Zone, but he had some great scenes in the first season, and really came into his own with the bantering with Tyrion (still one of my favorite scenes) and his undying commitment to Dany.  And lastly, Melisandre, who really was a character I didn’t have any real care for (which is shocking for a red head), but she turned out to be a hugely impactful character within this series.  Admittedly she had one of the grossest child birth scenes in TV history and burned a child alive, but like, woo!  Sexy fire magic!

Quick Hits:

1) You know a part of Jon Snow thought he scared that dragon to death.  He was probably walking around all cocksure like he saved the day before he saw Arya over that pile of ice.

2) Overall, bad night for Jon Snow.  Dude just rode a dragon like shit, almost got smoked like 10 times, and then got bailed out by his sister.  Dany probably wishing she didn’t friend-zone Jorah right about now…

3) Jorah:  I’ll lead the Dothraki charge to break their lines and destroy the Night King!
Dany:  And if that does not work, I shall ride Drogon and have him breathe fire on the Night King!
Jon:  And if that does not work I will lure the Night King to Bran and destroy him with my Valyrian steel sword.
Bran:  And I’ll send birds after him.
Jon:  What…what’s that gonna do?
Bran:  Oh, he’s gonna be so pissed.

4) I’d like to quickly pour a couple out for the other dead.  Lyanna Mormont was a fucking beast in every scene she was in, and this was no different; absolutely legendary way to go out.  Edd was made into quite a nice little character slowly but surely from Season 2 on.  I figured he’d be going out in this episode, but his death still stung.  Beric I thought I could care less about, but at least they made his death plot relevant, which was a nice touch.

5) Curious to see what happens to Sam now…like there doesn’t need to be a Night’s Watch.  And Jorah doesn’t need his sword.  So like can he go be mayor of Tarlytown?  Dany can be like “Hey Sam, here’s the Reach, sorry I cooked your family medium-well.”

6) Arya with that Julian Edelman adjustment. Not crazy to say that the Night King blew a Falcons’-esque lead.

The next three episodes are now seemingly taking shape, with a few big questions remaining.  Does Daenerys have enough strength left to take the Iron Throne?  What will she do about the North?  What sides will Jon, Tyrion, and Jaime ultimately pick?  So many questions that we finally will get answered in the coming weeks, and I can’t wait!