I’m back on my bullshit for the final season, and goddamn it feels like forever.  The last time Game of Thrones was on TV there was a solar eclipse across America, people were listening to “Despacito” unironically, and I hadn’t even started grad school yet.  That said, because of grad school, most of these blogs are gonna come on Tuesday this year since I have class on Monday.  Now that we got all the housekeeping out of the way, lets hit ’em with that spoiler alert like you read about:

*Spoilers for Game of Thrones through last night’s episode*

I fucking loved how they set the table last night for this season.  Game of Thrones has traditionally had issues early in the season before it starts ramping up.  Fortunately, this season they don’t really have time for that.  They have basically two episodes before the shit hits the fan and they start cranking out movie-length episodes.  This week was absolutely chalk full of meetings, reunions, and characters catching up.  It’s honestly so weird to see so many characters in one place.  Going so many seasons just begging the plots to converge and now they finally have and boy is it…AWKWARD.  This is an episode where an estranged husband and wife meet for the first time since the wife left her husband at his double-nephew’s wedding where said double-nephew got horrifically murdered with the husband taking the blame and being sentenced to death…oh and also, the husband’s family basically killed the wife’s parents and brother.  Yeah, this was like the fifth most awkward interaction of this episode, next to Dany thanking Sam by revealing she char-broiled his brother and father, and every time Bran was on screen.

Meanwhile, in Winterfell

Arya: Yay, all my friends are back!  This is great!

Jon: Sis! I haven’t seen you in forever!  How have you-

Bran:  You are not her sister.  You are not my brother.  You are fucking your aunt.

The Hound:  Who the fuck is this kid?  Shut your mouth you little-

Bran:  Your brother is an undead nightmare that serves Cersei blindly.  Killing him will give you no joy as he fails to realize the significance of your fight.

Gendry:  Bran, could you just like, not be a little shithead for just one-

Bran:  Gendry lost his virginity to a witch-lady that later resurrected Jon Snow, making Jon the second little prick she’s risen.

Jon:  That’s it, you’re dead, I’m gonna throw you off the tallest tower.

Jaime: Pffft, good luck.

Moving on, I’m also curious as to whom Arya will impersonate this season and with what purpose.  I mean fuck, she already did a great job of not being seen in the beginning of the episode and she was front fucking center the entire time.  Anyway, it appears that she won’t do anything until after the inevitable Winterfellmania III, but who will it be?  Clubhouse leader is obviously Littlefinger, but like…there’s still probably a lot of people that can still die.  Personally, the most effective might be say Euron Greyjoy or Qyburn…but like, wouldn’t it be kinda funny if she just did like the Mountain?  Like, smash cut to Cersei asking for the Mountain to follow her to her chambers and its just a 4’10 Mountain with a comically over-sized armor…I’d be 100% in.

Quick Hits:

1) They didn’t waste any time catching Jon up to speed with his origin story.  Though, you know, maybe it shouldn’t have been a surprise since he, I don’t know, became the second living person to ever ride a dragon. And he also rode Rhaegal (a-heyoooo)

2) Tyrion saying the Lannisters and the North “haven’t been friends in the past” is like saying Ilyn Payne gave Ned Stark a bad haircut.

3) Yara: We need to take back the Iron Islands

Theon: But I need to fulfill my character arc by saving Winterfell for the Starks.

Yara: Didn’t you already do that?

Theon: Not really, but I sorta won the Royal Rumble…

4) Jaime is like the guy that goes to a high school reunion that thinks its gonna be great catching up with old friends, and then sees no one forgot he ruined prom by putting a giant turd in the punch bowl.  And yes, in this metaphor, Bran is the turd.

5) Bold strategy by Cersei to pay Bronn up front to hunt his two best friends that have joined an army with two dragons.  If this wasn’t a TV show, he might just piss off for a month in the south and then see what the fuck happens.

6) Y’all, Winterfell has a LOT of fat that’s gonna get trimmed off.  Like, if you know someone as like “grumpy old guy” or “sarcastic Night’s Watch dude”…I wouldn’t like their chances.

7) “Well, at least only the little boy died” -most viewers, probably

8) Dany:  We could go into this cave, no one would hear us…
Jon: Oh, I’m pretty sure they’d hear you.
Drogon:

That’s it for this week, hope you enjoy next week’s episode for Jaime Lannister’s “Aw, shit, I killed a lot of y’alls friends, dangit, my bad” apology tour!