*Spoilers for Ballers…just kidding.  Fuck Ballers.*

Well, I hope y’all are happy.  Everyone was bitching and moaning about the dragons being unstoppable.  Well, you’ve gone and done it.  The White Walkers went and added an ace to their rotation at the deadline.  Now it’s 2 dragons vs 1 (not to mention the Night King has a rocket for an arm), and what already seemed like impossible odds are getting stacked even higher against the living. But fear not, for even as things looked bleak after this week’s devastating turn, the living still have one thing up their sleeve. No, not high quality banter – movement! Those warm-blooded fuckers just zip around the continent all day! Need a sprinter to the Wall? That’s 10 minutes. Raven going south? Give it half a ‘sode. Dragon needs to fly in to save the day? That’ll probably be a cool quarter-hour.  And boom!  You’ve now traveled like 400% farther than any of the ice zombies have in the past 3 seasons.  Look, I get the timeline being punted for more action and plot movement, but can I just be expected to believe that Euron can traverse the seas at will, or that Jon can run back and forth thousands of miles in a few episodes, and that Dany and Drogon can just instantly be any- WHO CARES MOTHER FUCKERS WE GONNA HAVE DRAGON ON DRAGON COMBAT ^{*in two years*} HOLY SHIT WOW OMG WOW!!!

Then, we come to the Stark girls.  And boy does Arya let Sansa have it.  Arya is absolutely right!  Fuckin’ Sansa, trying to betray her family!  Where does she get off? Arya would’ve never betrayed her family!  And sure, obviously Sansa didn’t want Ned and Robb to die, but she could’ve done something about it instead of sitting idly by!  It’s not like Arya just watched her father’s execution, and did nothing.  Nor did she get kidnapped by the Lannisters.  She deffo didn’t use the 3 Jaqen H’ghar executions to not kill Tywin, Cersei, Joffrey, Jaime, or even the Mountain.  And certainly, she didn’t intend on leaving her name behind to become a faceless assassin overseas, severing all ties to her family and her house.  Oh wait, that’s right, she totally did all of that.  But if you wanna threaten to cut off your sister’s face and make it a mask to do Sansa puppet shows with yourself, be my guest.  And why did you just hand Sansa the knife after threatening her? You think Arya left the room for dramatic effect and then walked back in and was like “actually, I need that, I’m gonna go kill some White Walkers”? I’m sure that knife will be useful at some crucial moment later for Sansa but shit, Valyrian Steel is at a premium right now! At least give it to Podrick, he might trip and hit something with it.

Meanwhile, beyond the Wall…

Jon:  Hey Jorah, you want your sword back?

Jorah:  My dad’s sword!  Wow, I haven’t seen that in-

Jon:  Yeah, he gave it to me, after I saved his life.  A wight was trying to kill him and I threw a lantern at it.

Jorah:  Quick thinking, I’m sure he was glad-

Jon:  I burned my hand half-off doing that.  But, that was nothing compared to coming back from the dead.

Jorah:  Not sure how that’s relevant, but-

Jon:  ‘Course your father was betrayed by his own people too.  I wasn’t there that time, because I was being held captive by the Wildlings.  But I later killed every person who betrayed him.

Jorah:  And I thank you for it!  Now if you could just-

Jon:  He changed the pommel to a wolf.  Said it was a gift or something.  Something about me having it forever because his son brought shame to his house.

Jorah:  I admit, I’ve made mistakes, but-

Jon:  But here, you have it.  I’m sure he would’ve forgiven you for selling people into slavery.  I’m surprised Dany did, since that’s like her whole thing.  She told me that while we were escalating the clear sexual tension we both have.

Jorah:  *sulks*

Jon:  I’ll just use these daggers against the White Walkers.  I’m one of the only people that’s killed one ever, and it was with that sword, but I’m sure you can do the same.  Sure, I’ve only fought with that sword for seven seasons, but I’m sure I’ll do great with these daggers.

Jorah:  Daggers killed you once.

Jon:  What?

Jorah:  I said, “keep the sword” emo dick.

And now to something I was gonna do last week, but it’s still been on my mind.  Here’s my ideal beyond-the-wall crew if I could choose any living character:

1, 2, 3, and 4) Tormund, Jon, The Hound, and Gendry
Yeah, I’m not an idiot, they got most of this right.  Tormund is a great fighter, is used to the conditions, and is hands down the funniest character on the show right now.  Jon is basically batman at this point, complete with brooding and dead parents.  The Hound is the dour muscle always good for a one-liner.  And then there’s Gendry, the prodigal son, back from obscurity and ready for his starring turn.  Good core four right there.

5 and 6)  Brienne and Podrick
Brienne’s inclusion is obvious.  She’s the best fighter and her one-sided sexual tension with Tormund is possibly the best in-joke in the series.  Podrick’s been known to shine in big situations, and nothing is bigger than his dick this situation.

7) Bronn
Oh you gotta be fucking with me you put together a Suicide Squad that didn’t include Bronn?  That dude was made for this type of shit!  Why not?  Don’t tell me he’s too far away, mother fuckers are beaming-up-Scotty all over the fucking continent.  You could have literally just thrown him in the Eastwatch jail and have him been like “my last company behind bars was a lot more easy on the eyes!” and everyone would’ve been on board!  HBO fucked up.  Bronn is wasting away on a garbage team.

Quick Hits:

1) Thinking of potential others to go beyond the wall made me feel bad Oberyn couldn’t be there.  And now I’m upset it didn’t happen.  He would’ve reminisced about killing the Mountain with the Hound, gone shot for shot with Thoros…hell…he probably would’ve fucked Tormund!

2) Tyrion:  You’ve been known to lose your temper…
Dany:  Name one time.
Tyrion:  When you burnt Dick-
Dany:  BITCH I’LL ROAST YOUR ASS TO GLASS AND USE YOUR LITTLE BOOTS AS PARCHMENT WEIGHTS!

3) Let’s re-imagine the scene where Edmure misses the boat before the Blackfish hits it, but this time it’s just Bronn missing shot after shot with the ballista before the Night King just hits the dragon with an ice spear.

4)  Jon:  Uncle Benjen!  I haven’t seen you in like 6 years!  We have so much to discuss!
Benjen:  No Jon, you need to ride to safety!
Jon:  Get on the back of the horse, and ride to safety with me!  There’s plenty of room and there are literally dozens of in universe examples of two people riding on a horse.
Benjen:  Nah

5) I like that everyone shits on Gendry.  It’s like they all silently agreed to not be the bitch of the group and chose the one that wouldn’t stop complaining and being weird.  Just like real life.  What, no, I’m not speaking from experience!

6) It’s good to see Littlefinger back to his usual ruses.  It was like seeing an old friend.  If that old friend was a borderline-pedophile that was plotting to murder a girl and take over the world.

7)  You think that wight that was oh-so-conveniently left standing after the White Walker died has an explanation?  Like did he just get lost?  “Shit, is that my White Walker?  Fuck, they all look the same.  Is that racist?  Whatever, I’ll just follow that one…fuck, that wasn’t him.  Where the fuck am I, and who are those- WHAT THE FUCK YOU PUT A BAG ON MY HEAD YOU SHIT BIRD!

8) Jon:  Thanks, Dany.

Dany:  WHAT DID YOU SAY YOU LITTLE BITCH?

Jon:  I’ll bend the knee.

Dany:  Have I mentioned how much I LOVE being called Dany? Best of all my 40 nicknames, frankly.

9) I don’t know what makes me more sad:  that Tormund isn’t going to see Brienne back in Winterfell, or that he and the Hound can’t spend a whole season just backpacking through Westeros bitching at each other.

10) Is it just me, or was it not super clear where the third dragon went after the battle?  I think it’d be great if the dragon was just gone until next season, when it comes out of nowhere and burns Cersei to ash.  Then, after it lands, it takes off it’s mask and Arya was really the dragon the whole time.