*Spoilers for Game of Thrones.  Also, if you are, or plan on, reading the books separately, there’s a slight spoiler for book 3 here as well.*

I haven’t been teased this bad since I shit my pants in the third grade.  Between Sam interrupting Gilly before a potentially huge reveal, Arya finding some planted dirt on Sansa, and the Eastwatch Boyz rolling into battle, this show has a shitload of potential energy in its collective pants…but none of it was converted.  Instead that seems like it will be delegated to this year’s stand in for Episode 9:  Episode 6.  Rather then start off just bashing an episode where nothing really happened (though the Tarly’s would probably take offense to that), let’s get right to next week’s battle.  Things look grim for the magnificent seven running face first into an army consisting of like every dead person ever.  For fun, let’s break down how likely they are to die, starting with the least likely:

1) Jon Snow

Right, so this dude could probably moonwalk naked into the white walkers covered in maple syrup and he’d still probably come out unscathed.  There’s a chance he dies only to get resurrected again (more on this later) but I’m not going to count that, since he’ll end the episode alive.

2) The Hound

The Hound is in a weird spot.  He doesn’t have much to live for, but the few things he does have are big.  There’s the chance he reunites with Arya (something that would be quite interesting) and there’s also the other theory that everyone has been clamoring for (speculative spoilers).  It makes the most sense that he stays alive to see the light of one or both of these things.

3) Jorah

Edit:  Right, so for the first 2 hours this post was up, I forgot about Jorah.  It doesn’t make any sense for him to get cured of Greyscale and then die.  It makes 0 sense.  But like…I can’t think of anything he still has to do, besides maybe get his dick kicked in by Lyanna Mormont.  So, he’s below the Hound.  Also, maybe undead Benjen Stark will convince him to take the Black.  But probably not, cause if Benjen shows up, he’s definitely dying or like reverse Weekend At Bernie’s-ing Cersei pretending to be a zombie.

4) Thoros of Myr

Everybody’s favorite drunk priest, Thoros of Myr has a couple things going for him.  He’s one of two people that has successfully resurrected someone.  And, he happens to be a talented fighter.  Hell, he gets mentioned in Season 1 by two-handed douchebag Jaime Lannister while talking to the dude he later stabs in the eye:

 

In the books, Thoros wins a melee tournament at King’s Landing, so he’s a pretty big deal, though he doesn’t look like much.  I like his odds as an under-the-radar pick to survive.

5) Gendry

GENDRY IS BACK BABAYYY! AND THE FIRST THING HE’S GONNA DO IS probably get himself killed. After all that rowing and smithing, dude can swing a hammer like a homeless nordic god. But, the main problem poor little Thor has had is wondering where he fits within the story at large. The Baratheons (even the fake ones) are all dead. Technically he could kinda sorta have a claim to the throne; if he got legitimized by his dead dad, and Cersei wanted to give up the throne, AND Dany just happened to stop fixating on getting everyone on their knees. All in all, I think he’ll stay alive. But it would be hilarious if he just popped in to close his storyline and then got fucking murdered immediately hahaha please kill me.

6) Beric Dondarrion

WILDCARD BITCHES!  YEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!  Beric could literally go in any direction.  He’s the only one of this group that in the books is for real 100% dead (everyone else is either alive, missing, fake dead as part of an elaborate plot to find another missing character, or awaiting resurrection).  But the reasoning behind his death is something that presumably the show will never actually tackle, so he may be re-purposed here.  I think it’s likely we see Beric get killed.  It’s just a case of whether or not he gets resurrected, or if he uses some kinda voodoo to save someone else (like Jon), or whatever the fuck.

7) Davos Seaworth

Davos is a great character. He’s been a loyal friend to many a character since being introduced in Season 2. He’s gotten farther than he probably had any right doing, but here’s the thing; his usefulness is limited. Stannis is dead, Jon doesn’t NEED him, and he just brought Gendry back to the fold. I can see him sacrificing himself for Jon or Gendry and going out a hero. Fuck, that’s probably the only way I see him going out. Let’s hope he stays on making dumb jokes and giving terrible introductions, but the end looks nigh for the Onion Knight.

Edit: It’s been pointed out to me that Davos is NOT fighting beyond the Wall. But c’mon! He MIGHT just be running late!

8) Tormund Giantsbane

CLOSE YOUR EYES BRIENNE!  DON’T WATCH!  Man, Tormund is dope as shit, but that ginger bastard has death written all over him.  I can just see him getting himself into a classic “take-down-as-many-as-I-can-before-I-die” sequence while Jon watches him succumb with some poetic string symphony horseshit laid underneath.  You know what?  I hope he fucks up a giant.  Just gimme one giant, and I’ll be happy.  That fucker deserves it.

 

Meanwhile, in King’s Landing…

Davos:  So the usual bribe, then?

City Guard:  Yup, thanks a bunch.  Looks like we’ll be going now…

Tyrion:  HEY DAVOS!  YOU WOULDN’T BELIEVE WHAT JAIME SAID!

Davos:  Oh no…

Tyrion:  YOU KNOW MY BROTHER JAIME!  HE WAS ALL LIKE “YOU KILLED FATHER” AND I WAS LIKE “WHAAAAAAT”

City Guard:  What did he say?

Davos:  Uhh, can’t really hear it.  Sounds like gibberish to me.

Tyrion:  Oh man, Davos, you should’ve seen Jaime’s face, he was so surprised, I thought his other arm was gonna fall off.

City Guard:  Wait are you Tyrion Lannister?

Tyrion:  Who, me?  Nah, I’m just a random dwarf.

City Guard:  What’s your name?

Tyrion: That’s easy.  Uh…Cyrian Mannister.

City Guard:  Really?

Tyrion:  Bitches call me C-Mann.

City Guard:  Lol, that’s hilarious.  Where’d you get that scar?

Tyrion:  Eatin’ pussy.

City Guard:  THIS GUY’S A RIOT!

Davos:  Yeah, he’s caused a few…

Gendry:  Can we go now?

City Guard:  Oh shit, you’re 100% Robert Baratheon’s bastard son.

Davos:  Fuckin’ really?

Moving on, do we like legit think Cersei is pregnant?  Far be it from me to question Qyburn’s expert opinion, but that’s a pretty quick turnaround, eh?  I know that the timeline of each episode seems loose, which creates situations like Euron sailing around an entire continent three times in a couple weeks, and Davos going from Dragonstone, to King’s Landing to the Wall all in one episode.  But Jaime and Cersei knocked incestuous boots only a few episodes ago.  Cersei certainly isn’t showing, and having an incest baby would probably put a damper on the entire realm wanting to be her friend.  Methinks Jaime got caught with the classic no-baby prank.  You gotta give it to her though, it’s a great prank.  I’ve haven’t seen a no-baby prank like that since the Red Wedding.

Quick Hits

1) Just when I thought Littlefinger couldn’t get any dumber, he goes and pulls a stunt like that…AND TOTALLY REDEEMS HIMSELF!

2) Seriously, Jon’s decision to randomly pet a dragon without knowing he’s secretly a Targaryen is one of the dumbest things I’ve seen on this show.  And I’ve seen Ned Stark trust Littlefinger.

3) Gilly:  …so it turns out, Jon’s parents might’ve actually gotten married, meaning he would be the true-

Sam:  OMG GILLY SHUT UP!  Everyone hates our plotline already.  Just forget literally everything you just said and let’s leave immediately.

4) I could watch an hour of Tormund just running down how he refers to everyone.  “Samwell Tarly?  Is he the lad with that blonde bombshell?  Or that old grumpy fucker in armor that’s always complaining about everything? Maybe that wispy prick I wouldn’t trust with my daughter?”

5) Theon:  Hey Dany, my sister is still-

Dany:  FUCK OFF THEON, JON SNOW WON’T BEND THE KNEE

6) I would LOVE to know how Tyrion got a hold of Bronn to set up a meeting.  I know Varys has an elaborate network of spies, but I’d like to think he just put a sock on the door or something for old times sake.

7) RIP Dickon Tarly.  I’ll always remember when you were recast with an actor I recognized to just be executed a few episodes later for no real purpose.  And that your name made Bronn laugh once.

8) Hey Sansa, Arya. Turns out Littlefinger has an elaborate plot to push you two further apart. He’s taking Sansa’s scroll out of context to infuriate Arya into thinking Sansa is a traitor. I know this because I am all-seeing. Also, Jon is a true-born Targaryen, and the rightful heir to the throne. -Bran, in a universe where he’s not the worst

Thanks for reading, rejoice in the world where Gendry is back and alive!  And pray that we still live in that world next week.