*Spoilers for Game of Thrones S7E1*

Game of Thrones doesn’t have a lot of cold opens.  Up until last night, they’ve only had 5.  The last one was the reveal of the Hound’s return, which was a pretty big fucking deal.  So, my first reaction to there being a cold open last night was pretty hype.  Until I saw Walder Frey.  Then I was confused.  Then, before he uttered a word, I got really, really excited.  This right here is the exact reason why Arya Stark is probably the best character on Game of Thrones right now.  She just drops 50 jabronies outta nowhere and it’s on to Cincinnati.   Or, more accurately, on to King’s Landing.  Man would I hate to be some two-bit character in King’s Landing right now.  Keep your eyes on Qyburn, folks.

In the North, Jon and Sansa begin to figure out how to best consume the shit sandwich that is being them stuck between the White Walkers and King’s Landing.  Jon’s going about normal Stark dumbass shit, while Sansa is taking a note from Lyanna Mormont and proceeding to run out of fucks to give.  Like she was telling Jon to toss two kids out into the cold of winter.  TO THEIR FACES!  Straight ruthless.  And I loved her calling out Jon for needing to be smarter than Ned and Robb.  It was fantastic.  I don’t have a joke for it or anything, it’s just great to hear the show acknowledge that the Starks are super dumb.  And Sansa cutting off Littlefinger?  Oh man, she was en fuego in this episode.  And somehow still second place to Lyanna Mormont, who got right back to calling out every mother fucker that has the audacity to believe a little girl can’t inhabit your nightmares.

Meanwhile, At the Wall…

Edd:  Right, so you guys are Wildlings, then?

Meera:  Nope, I’m Meera Reed.  I’m from the North, and this is Bran Stark.

Edd:  How do I know you’re Bran Stark?

Bran:  You were at the Fist of the First Men…

Edd:  Yeah, sure okay, but that doesn’t mean-

Bran:  …and you were at Hardhome…

Edd:  Okay, we get it, you’re creepy, but how-

Bran:  …you’ve seen the Night King…

Edd:  Yup, scary dude, now please tell me how-

Bran:  …you’ve seen the army of the dead, you know what we’re up against.

Edd:  HOW DOES ANY OF THIS PROVE YOU’RE JON’S BROTHER YOU LITTLE SHIT

Have to admit, I wasn’t expecting to see Sam in the premiere.  He just didn’t seem like someone who they’d care about enough to hit right away.  Though it seems like they don’t give a shit about his actor, since he got the worst end of a dookie montage.  I think they had too much fun filming those or they spent too much money on prop dookies, cause it went on a while.  I’d also guess there’s a 30% chance the director for-real shit into one of those chamber pots just to be a dick.  I guess they didn’t have many other options, since everyone is kinda together now, but there must’ve been something better than watching Sam clean up literal shit for five minutes.  How about Yara and her men telling Theon their best dick jokes?  Or the Sand Snakes having a fashion show with judge Olenna just eviscerating them at every turn?  Or Hot Pie just talking Gendry’s ear off while they both make pies?  Nah, more dookies?  Okay, nevermind.

Quick Hits:

1. Hey Jorah, how about keeping your extremely contagious arms inside the aircraft, huh?  When I get the flu, I don’t go around hocking loogies at people.
2. I was thinking Arya would’ve killed those Lannister guys, but I would’ve been distracted by Ed Sheeran singing to me too.
3. Where was this fun Uncle Euron before?  I’m used to the Euron that kills forgotten characters and wastes my time at critical parts of the season; not the one cracking wise at Jaime Lannister.  I like him!  It’ll be great to watch him die horribly in two weeks or so!
4. Was I the only one that kept looking for the Wall in the fire?  Like they kept doing close ups and it felt like I was fucking up a Magic-Eye.
5. Archmaester:  “The Wall has stood for thousands of years, it’s not going down now!”
   *cut to the Wall*
   White Walker:  “Uh sir, you’re not gonna like this…”
   Night King: “What is it?”
   White Walker:  “It seems that huge ice wall is still here…”
   Night King: “WHAT? STILL?  Ugh fine, everybody pack up, we gotta wait another thousand years…”
6. I’d love a road trip between Podrick and Tormund where they give each other sword fighting advice.  You get me.
7. I was honestly wondering when Jim Broadbent was gonna wind up in Game of Thrones, because it seems like the longer a British series goes on, the more likely it is that he’ll inevitably show up.  And somehow, he’s always telling people to stay out of restricted areas of libraries.
8. Dany:  “Shall we begin?”
   Tyrion:  “Uh yeah, there’s three dead babies in jars in your room…should we just like toss them out?”

   

That’s all I got, tune in next week where hopefully we get Dany starting her invasion and no more of Sam literally cleaning up shit!