And welcome back to this load of bullshit!  First off, thanks to everyone that read and shared this blog last year, I got my best numbers yet!  I’m excited to delve back into to the show that crushes everyone’s dreams.  We’ve got a lot to tackle, but before we get started, allow me to just toss a necessary spoiler warning on here for everything up to season 6, in case someone’s a goddamn idiot.  Seriously, think of the stupidest person you know.  No, besides me.  That guy might read this.  I promise it’ll only take up one line, see look at it go:

*Spoilers for Game of Thrones up to the end of Season 6*

There we are, relatively painless, right?  Okay, we’ve gotten to the point where everything is coming to a head.  It seems to me this season will mostly be about everyone fucking up King’s Landing, and then whoever is left has to fight the White Walkers next season.  Think of it as an elaborate number one contender’s match, with some of the most beautiful humans on the planet and CGI dragons.  Each major characters will be speculated on, guessing how likely they are to be king or queen at the end of this season, and how likely they are to get GoT be killed.  So let’s start with the heavy-lying crown:

Cersei Lannister

Oh lawdy lawdy this chick took her own quote way too seriously.  After fucking massacring everyone from mortal enemies and meddlesome threats to innocent townsfolk and actual peacocks, she’s less painted a target on her back, and more so tattooed it on with an oversized neon sign pointing it out.  I’m not gonna waste time, this girl is dead.  D-E-D dead.  It’s just a matter of who does the killing.  Could be Dany, Arya, Jon Snow, herself, or even a fucking dragon.  But, I still suspect it’ll be Jaime.  I mean, Jaime already stabbed a king for threatening to blow up King’s Landing with wildfire, and motherfucker over here already DID that.  She’s basically a teen having sex in a horror movie.  Not a question of if, just when.

Daenerys Targaryen

Holy shit finally, we can kiss Essos goodbye and everything is finally happening in Westeros.  We hope.  Can’t rule out that episode one she doesn’t pull some shit like stopping in Braavos to fuel up or following Gendry in a rowboat and getting lost for 3 seasons.  Seriously, instead of those self-serving post-episode interviews where the creators pontificate about how the characters FEEL, they should just be filled with fan service fake scenes like Dany finding a sunburt Gendry still rowing or the ghost of every Stark giving Sansa terrible advice.

Anyway, she’s the smart bet for the crown.  As long as she doesn’t do something dumb like fall in love with Jon Snow and we find out bad decisions are sexually transmittable in Westeros.

Jon Snow

The bad-ass bastard has his hands full and isn’t in a terribly enviable situation.  He has the White Walkers to his North, heavily solidified King’s Landing to his south, and he just usurped his own sister from potential power…a sister that has previously gotten pissed for being overlooked and has the most manipulative dickhole in the Seven Kingdoms in her ear.  But on the plus side, he’s gorgeous, he’s got dragon blood, and aunt Dany’s coming to town and I heard the Targaryen’s love incest.  It’s also unlikely he’ll die, considering him dying the first time felt like the archery contest in Robin Hood and Men in Tights.

Tyrion Lannister

Tyrion’s in a weird position where pretty much everything is spelled out for him as long as Dany takes the throne.  If Cersei dies, pretty much every other faction has some warmth for him, provided he can convince them he’s not a traditional Lannister.  Hell, even Sansa probably doesn’t fully hate him, especially considering she went from forcibly marrying him to- nevermind moving on.  He’s not going to be king, but he’s also not going to die…and there’s a very poplar endgame theory for him that if it comes to fruition would be super cool.  (That link is all speculation, but if you wanna not hear theories at all, don’t click it.)

Arya Stark

Low key the greatest part of this season is that literally anybody could just be fucking Arya.  Be extremely wary of any new characters.  Jaime got a new squire?  Probably Arya.  Bronn about to fuck a biddy?  Arya.  The Mountain all of a sudden is like 4’8?  Fucking Arya.  How fucking great would it be if like Dany was about to kill Cersei and SHE PULLS HER FUCKING FACE OFF!

Jaime Lannister

Man, I just really hope this season isn’t just like 7 weeks of Jaime being like Olly in Season 5 saying shit like “you can’t REALLY wanna burn everyone alive, right?”  But then again, if it ends the same way, I wouldn’t mind.  Minus the resurrection.  She can stay dead.  After that, who knows.  I mean, on one hand, he may survive

Bran Stark

Shit man, I don’t care.  Go have fun with your ice zombies, just give me one more season before you ruin everything.

Brienne of Tarth

Brienne’s location is actually basically unknown.  It’s likely she’ll link up with the Brotherhood and the Hound which would be a dope reunion after Brienne almost killed him.  I thought Brienne would die last season but now, I’m not so sure.  It seems likely she’ll be a force in some regard and all of her potential partnerships with whoever wins (being Queensgaurd for Dany, reuniting with Jaime, or even actually saving Sansa Stark for once) seem too good to just pass on.

Theon Greyjoy

Remember when there was a last ditch effort to make the Greyjoys matter last season?  Remember how everyone was confused and no one seemed to know why they were doing it?  Hell I give more of a shit what the Sand Snakes are doing cause they’re partnered with Varys!  That’s a dickless dude I can get behind!  Get this sad sack of shit outta here, call me when he does something interesting.

Sansa Stark

I’m very curious what they do with Sansa.  She’s cheesed off.  She wants to be a Queen.  She thinks she deserves to lead.  And instead her bastard brother is taking all her glory.  There has never seemed to be an evil bone in Sansa’s body (except for NOPE NOPE MOVING ON), and if they tease Littlefinger turning her to the dark side, it’ll make for a compelling subplot.  But that would mean the unthinkable.  A Stark actually makes a cunning decision that leads to their own achievement.

 

Hope everyone enjoys the show Sunday.  Hope it’s full of action, surprises, and maybe, if we’re really really lucky, some fucking Gendry.