Animals are funny. They’re cute and hilarious all at the same time. You know, unless you’re getting murdered by one. But for the most part, it seems the internet has been created for the sake of everyone sharing different pictures and videos of dumb animals around the world. But, to some people, animals are their career. And somewhere, someone has the job of coming up with names and words associated with the animals. Today, we will focus on the naming of the different groups animals have. I went to this website compiled by Dean Tersigni who evidently scoured the internet to find all the group names for a shitload of animals (seriously, there were a bunch I didn’t even have a clue what they were). A lot are simple, like herd, pack, or flock. But some were clearly thought up by someone with a sense of humor. And I’ve scoured his list and found the weirdest ones and I’m giving you the impression that each one gives me. Why did I do this? Because it’s Tuesday and I didn’t blog last week and after Game of Thrones ended I’m out of ideas, okay? JESUS GIVE ME A BREAK.
Quick note before we begin, it seems Mr. Tersigni listed the most popular names first for the animals that had multiple names, so these are the ones I’m concentrating on.
Alligators – Congregation
I like to just picture a whole boatload of alligators just singing hymns and trying to clap their stupid little arms together.
Apes – Shrewdness
Nice try apes. I appreciate your marketing team trying to give you more depth, but when you sling shit at people, you lose your “shrewd” as part of your brand.
Barracudas – Battery
I thought eels were supposed to be the electric ones, but they got stuck with swarm? Barracudas could never be used as a battery, and that can be accomplished by a fucking potato.
Buzzards – Wake
The person that came up with this one was one Edgar Allen Poe mother fucker. They knew exactly what they were doing.
Cats (wild) – Destruction
Stray cats can be a bit unruly, but destruction? Man, if cats are a destruction, what the shit do you call bigger cats?
Cheetahs – Coalition
All right, I’ll give you this one. Just picture a bunch of Cheetahs just all sitting around a large round table. Bowls of Cheetos (natch) laid out for all of them, hammering out their latest treaty with the Lions.
Cobras – Quiver
Did anyone just picture Legolas just slinging snakes at people? Cobras are scary enough on their own, we certainly don’t need to send them airborne.
Crabs – Cast
A cast of crabs sounds more like the call sheet for 12 Angry Men (wait, why are you leaving, come back…).
Crows – Murder
An all-time classic. Just so fitting and haunting. One of the most intimidating names in the game. Well, until you get to…
Elk – Gang
THAT’S RIGHT MOTHER FUCKER YOU IN IT NOW! THIS IS OUR TURF! GET THE FUCK BACK! THIS IS ELK TERRITORY! GO RUB YOUR ASS AGAINST A TREE SOMEWHERE ELSE!
Ferrets – Business
“Hey Stuart, do you have the quarterly report done?”
“No sorry, I was working on it, but then I saw an empty paper towel roll and rolled around for 30 minutes.”
“Stuart, this is unacceptable, we’re trying to run a business!”
“What’s that? I can’t hear you, I just jumped in the garbage and ate a whole banana peel.”
“Stuart, you’re fired.”
Frogs – Army
Can’t have a worse battle record than the other army of frogs.
Hummingbird – Charm
Who knew the humble hummingbird was really Mr. Steal Yo Girl?
Hyenas – Cackle
Did hyenas come up with this themselves? Bet they thought that shit was hilarious. Stoner ass dogs, smh
Jays – Party
Who would’ve thought Jays were the bros of the aviary? Makes sense since most of them are total jerks.
Otters – Romp
Okay this one makes total sense. Just a bunch of adorable water weasels just getting into mischief. Good on you, zoology.
Owls – Parliament
Owls are always presented as arrogant pomps in fiction, so it makes perfect sense that a group of them would be named after a group of British human ass clowns.
Porcupines – Prickle
Raccoons – Gaze
Rattlesnakes – Rhumba
Fun fact, Google “snake roomba” and there’s an actual story about a dude that found a snake in his Roomba. Just picture, a fucking battalion of snakes on roombas, slowly, methodically- oh it’s like the dance? Shaking your rattle like you shake your thang? Okay, that makes way more sense.
Ravens – Unkindness
Wow, Ravens need to up their reputation. Crows will cut your throat. Ravens will cut you in line at Cumby’s to cash in their scratch ticket.
Stingrays – Fever
Bet Steve Irwin wishes he only got a fever (oh come on it’s been 10 years, suck it up!).
Whales – Pod
Blue whales have the biggest dick in the game and a group of them is called a Pod? That’s no coincidence.
Wombats – Wisdom
Of all the animals you give wisdom to, a fucking wombat? You see those things? They’re about as sharp as a bowling ball. They’re already just blind, bumbling balls of fur. Stop playing a joke on them by making their group name ironic.
And in case you were wondering, a group of humans is called a tribe. Makes sense right? So much sense that the only other animal that uses the word tribe for their groups is goats. And they’re pretty smart animals, I mean-
Okay, maybe Wombats don’t have it so bad.
Shut Up Bender 