*Spoilers for the upcoming 2016-17 NBA Season*

If you generally follow sports in any rudimentary way, you probably heard that Kevin Durant signed with the Golden State Warriors, giving a team that just set a wins record a top 5 player without really shaking up their team.  It’s basically unprecedented.  It would’ve been like if the James/Wade/Bosh Miami Heat team just signed Chris Paul or Carmelo Anthony.  But, like my example, many people kept comparing it to sports; what if we go beyond?  I’m here to feed all those who haven’t got a clue about basketball just how ridiculous this signing is.  Not all heroes wear capes…

 Pokemon Team:

Okay, I bet you fuckers love this Pokemon Go bullshit.  Sweeping the nation like Snapchat and social unrest.  So everyone’s wondering, what is the most stacked Pokemon team you can have?  If you had unlimited Master Balls and PokeDollars to spend, what mythological masterclass would you assemble to black out all comers?  Well, it’s all about settin’ ’em up to knock them down.  A team this stacked would destroy any competition.

First up?  Magikarp.  Exactly.  They’ll never see it coming.  Just flopping around like a dingus.  Just act really frustrated and upset that he sucks more than Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 1.  It’s all a ruse, though.  Let them clean up that Magikarp and get complacent.  You’re about to unleash hell.

Bam!  Just throw like 35 Zubats at him!  You don’t need to own more than one.  Just toss one out there and let him get all his little Zubat friends.  Those things are the worst.  You’re telling me that another trainer is going to be able to adapt to what they thought was a cupcake matchup that turns into a nocturnal nightmare?  Doubtful.  Hell, the other trainer might quit on the spot, just because fuck Zubats that’s why.

Next out, Mr. Mime.  This is yet another ruse.  You get that chucko fuck out there to dance around and say his shitty name (you know, like mimes totally do) and get the Pokemon and trainer alike to start assaulting him.  Mr. Mime’s not gonna last long, but after all those Zubats, the other trainer is gonna be harried.  They’re not sticking around for the long haul, and Mr. Mime is gonna tire that sucker out.  Eventually, when Mr. Mime succumbs, you got your designated hitter just ready to go.

Jynx.  Yup.  Look at this thing:

That is horrifying.  Dear lord.  Their Pokemon is gonna go running!  One sweet wet one from that chick, and bruh.  Case closed.  And if you’re telling me there’s still a Pokemon out there, well you step right up motherfucker, I got a best friend to tell you about.

His name is Snorlax.  Nighty night dickhead.  Your reign of terror is over.  You can’t even move this bastard.  He just sits there.  And he’s well fed too.  You give that Snorlax nothing but a pallet BJ’s Wholesale pretzel nugget jars every day, and he might as well have his own moon.

Last but not least, is my insurance policy.  Diglett with a gun.  DON’T ASK ME HOW THE MOTHERFUCKER GOT IT HE JUST DOES AND HE IS MAD!  Gotta Confederate Flag bandana and everything.  Man, scares me just thinking about it, little turdball just running rampant like that.  It’ll be that petting zoo all over again.  Man, I just got those baby sheep out of my head…but fuck man, you mess with the bull you’ll get the horns.

Magikarp, Zubats (~35), Mr. Mime, Jynx, Snorlax, Diglett (w/ gun)

Game of Thrones Kingsguard:

All right, let’s get back to my roots.  So the Kingsguard is seven knights sworn to protect the King.  They’ve never been a efficient lot; multiple incompetent assholes, pedophiles, and literal zombies.  But what if we were able to ask anyone, across allegiance, alignment, and aliveness?  Well, we could put together a fearsome band of brutes to protect that dumb child with his pointy chair.

Start at the top, Lord Commander Jon Snow.  He can’t die.  That’s a big pro in my book.  The ability to escape death on a show where pretty much everyone has died is a true talent.  You can’t teach that.  Plus, it gives him another oath to follow, and we all know how much that dude loves rules and being boring.

Next, two handed Jaime Lannister.  Are you like me?  Do you think Jaime Lannister was way better when he had two hands?  I think it’s because he’s down cause he can’t throw righty in to finish the job in his alone time.  But now with both hands back, he’s all lubed up and ready to go.  Just beating them back.  Jerking them around.  With a nice stroke and a quick flourish.  And there’s just not a better finisher in the game.

You can’t have a Kingsguard without Brienne of Tarth.  Who else would you have go on mindless errands all over the place never finding anyone?  Huge gap in your game if you pass her up.  Plus, she adds to your team’s height in case you have to play big.

Speaking of big, gotta go with Zombie Mountain in the four spot.  Brother is just completely brutal.  Low key good surgeon too.  I once saw him perform routine spinal surgery on a guy with his bare hands.  Dude didn’t even feel a thing.  Quite the talent.

You want bigger?  Going with Wun Wun the giant next.  Why?

That’s why.

Sixth spot goes to secret weapon Podrick Payne.  Listen, you never know when you’re gonna need a good honeypot.  What if the Sand Snakes seek redemption and try to kill the King to avenge their father?  Duh, send in Podrick to take them to pound town.  They won’t even know what continent they’re on…probably start speaking valyrian and wasting six seasons  of plot before he’s done.

The last spot may be controversial…it’s Bran Stark.  Now, hear me out.  All you gotta do is tell him to kill everyone.  “Hey Bran, it’d be totally cool if you actively tried to destroy the entire kingdom, thanks.”  Bran will do nothing but solve everything and achieve peace!  It’s a guarantee.

Jon Snow, Jaime Lannister, Brienne of Tarth, Zombie Mountain, Wun Wun, Podrick Payne, Fuckin’ Bran

Music:

It’s not hard to stack a band, especially since the cap limit in the music industry is ridiculous.  That’s how you end up with Kevin, Joe, and Nick Jonas all on the same team.  It’s so unfair.  But, with unlimited money and power, what concoction of sound could be created to reach the peak of audible enjoyment?  And it’s obvious you have to start at the core.  Sir Paul McCartney.  That’s a foundation if I’ve ever seen one.  Songwriting?  Check.  Bass player?  Check.  Backing Vocals?  You got it.  Token southpaw?  Already warming up.

Lead guitarist is easy.  Jack White.  The man dragged Meg White to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.  If you don’t believe me, try playing drums in Rock Band on expert for “Icky Thump” and let me know when it gets fun.  I’d wait but I’m not eternal yet.

Next is Dave Grohl.  Really don’t care where he goes.  Probably drums, but you’re really signing the intangibles here.  He can play every instrument, carry the equipment, and do your band’s taxes.  Gotta have that man in the trenches.

All right, but you gotta appeal to the kids today.  Taylor Swift?  No way.  Chick is a chemistry nightmare.  She’ll be writing nasty breakup songs about Paul McCartney and claiming “Yesterday” was about her before you know it.  Nope.  Kanye?  Can’t do it.  He already thinks he’s the best band of all time by himself, and he’d get mad Jack White wouldn’t wear his $500 t-shirts.  You want vocals?  Rihanna.  Girl prints platinum records.  I almost subscribed to Tidal for her.  She’s that good.

Now, in the 5th spot, you need a secret weapon.  Gotta jazz it up with something.  And no one jazzes it up better than former President Bill Fucking Clinton.  ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?  NO, NO I AM NOT.  You play two songs without him.  Then in the lead up to the next song, off stage you just hear some sexy saxophone sizzle and in struts that does not inhale but blows people away!  Panties dropping so hard, there’s gonna be a sinkhole at Bonnaroo.  Just give me the gold plated diapers now.

Paul McCartney, Jack White, Dave Grohl, Rihanna, Bill Clinton