With the summer comes a lot of things.  Trips to the beach, cookouts, sweating balls in your apartment because you’re too lazy to install your air conditioner…  But it also comes with that one song.  The song that plays seemingly endlessly on the radio.  Over and over and over.  Until you’re sick of it…then they play it some more.  You can be sitting outside, listening to some tunes, trying to relax in an environment that’s too hot (hot damn!), and that same fucking song comes on that you’ve heard 4,000 times by now.  And yet usually, there’s something, just something about it that still gets to you.  Catchy hook, a beat, a flow, something, and you find yourself enjoying it all over again.  Drake’s “One Dance” is currently the frontrunner for 2016, but hey, one catchy song about a summer love or a Korean guy screaming into a butt, and it all changes.  So I’m here, to give a retrospective on those songs for the last 10 years.  What makes me an expert?  I’ve listened to every song at least once.  I think…hold on…okay, yeah, definitely have!  And who cares?  It gives you a short list of bullshit to read while you’re on the can at work, and that’s all that really matters.

2006 – Promiscuous by Nelly Furtado featuring Timbaland

Back in 2000, Nelly Furtado was just bursting on the scene asking people to respectfully reduce electricity use and indulge in ornithological comparisons.  Then shit got turnt and she became a flamethrower just spitting out number one hit after number 36 hit.  It was a weird career defining moment for Nelly Furtado, but this song still works, and will receive a fond memory from everyone who is in their early 30’s now.

2007 – Umbrella by Rihanna featuring Jay-Z

Guys, Rihanna has been around for so long.  By the time she could legally drink in the U.S., she had already had five #1 songs.  She’s only behind the Beatles and Mariah Carey for most #1’s of all time.  She’s already ahead of Michael Jackson, Madonna, and Whitney Houston.  She has 10 more #1’s than Taylor Swift.  Even if you take away the three where she’s only featured, that’s still 11!  Umbrella might not be her best song, but it’s still great, even if it’s the caused terrible people to turn umbrella into a nine syllable word for a year.  But it makes up for that for keeping “Hey There Delilah” out of the top spot this year.  Get that sad shit outta here, Plain White T’s!  Some of us are trying to enjoy throwing back PBR while attempting to balance on a inflatable crocodile!

2008 – I Kissed a Girl by Katy Perry

Not sure why this one is appealing…perhaps it’s Katy Perry’s voice?  It’s quite good.  I guess it’s kinda catchy.  Nope, don’t understand.  And this shit knocked out Coldplay?  Those darling lads from England that are universally beloved by everyone? Viva La Vida was transcendent!  I’m shocked.  Truly shocked.  Whatever, I’m sure this is just a one-hit wonder that we’ll never have to deal with again.

2009 – Boom Boom Pow/I Gotta Feeling – Black Eyed Peas

Do you remember seven short years ago when the Black Eyed Peas just owned the world.  My Humps won a Grammy.  They had the number one song from April to October.  And will.i.am appeared on a hologram on CNN during their election day coverage.  The Black Eyed Peas usually emit love or hate responses, and I go song to song by that.  Take Boom Boom Pow:  I love this song.  It’s addicting, exciting, and just gets you moving.  Even it’s “2000 and late” line just seems funny now and less unforgivable.  But I Gotta Feeling…no.  I don’t let that one go.  Like seriously, fuck that song.  They start by repeat the same line 12 times and then immediately rhyme up with up.  They’re next rhyme?  God and off.  At least they teach us the days of the week at the end.

2010 – California Gurls by Katy Perry featuring Snoop Dogg

Guys…

2011 – Party Rock Anthem by LMFAO featuring Lauren Bennett and GoonRock

If there was one song…one song that we could save through the downfall of civilization…one song that we could send to outer space to communicate with other forms of life…one song to hold upon high as the pinnacle of music as an art form…look no further than this classic from master poets Redfoo and SkyBlu.  Just a pure masterpiece from beginning to end.  It had me in tears.  These two gentleman have crafted an opus the likes of the world have never seen, and dare I say will most likely never see again.

2012 – Call Me Maybe by Carly Rae Jepsen

The year was 2012…the people had been oppressed by 8 weeks of Gotye.  At first, most people enjoyed their new benevolent vaguely foreign ruler with his catchy xylophone and alarmingly huge mouth.  Then, an unending barrage of Gotye struck and the people despaired.  “Please!” they said, “Someone save us from the Gotye!”  And then, out of the sky, an angelic voice came down, and proclaimed “Hey, I just met you…and this is crazy…but here’s my number…so call me, maybe!”  And the people rose up, in an unending stream of romantic comedy inspired lyrics, unrelenting catchiness, and bangs.  To this day, we thank our savior for bringing this song into our minds…even though it tends to linger for an entire day once it is there.

2013 – Blurred Lines by Robin Thicke featuring T.I. and Pharrell

I’m going to take this time to just remind everyone that Robin Thicke’s marriage fell apart because he lacked the common spacial awareness to recognize the threat that mirrors contain:

2014 – Fancy by Iggy Izalea featuring Charli XCX

This song is very misunderstood.  Many think it’s just about two girls having a good time.  No.  It is much more than that.  Iggy Izalea is a modern Renaissance (wo)man.  Our generation’s Da Vinci.  She, in no uncertain terms, claims to be a hitman, a physics teacher, and a time traveler.  She sees a future where there is a freeway that stretches across the Pacific Ocean from Los Angeles to Tokyo.  And, more unrealistically, a future where the word “retarded” is still in acceptable use.  A true pioneer.

2015 – See You Again Wiz Khalifa featuring Charlie Puth

Okay, this is a weird one.  First off, this should’ve been Uptown Funk.  I don’t think I’ve heard a more Song of Summer song than Uptown Funk, and I frankly hope I never will cause I still can’t get that song out of my head.  Then Furious 7 came out and this tribute song to Paul Walker and this locked down the top of the charts.  Sure, Cheerleader made a late push, but fuck that.  You know who owns the summer?  Paul Walker!  And Vin Diesel!  That’s right mother fuckers, this is really a Fast and Furious post!  Roll that shit:

R.I.P.  Brian O’Conner.  Live life a quarter mile at a time.