*Spoilers for everything up to this episode of Game of Thrones*

There’s a lot of gut-wrenching twists in Game of Thrones.  So many that viewers of the show are often primed for suffering before it happens, like a Wal-Mart employee on Black Friday or a Cleveland Browns fan.  Every moment of this episode I kept thinking, “Here it comes.”  Even when Littlefinger showed up to save the day, I half expected him to stab Jon or set Winterfell on fire while pissing on the arrow pin-cushion that was Rickon Stark.  Hell, I wasn’t even sure that those dogs wouldn’t attack Sansa instead of Ramsay.  Cause that’s the kinda fucked up shit we’re used to.  Instead we got something worse.  Wholesale victory across the board.  Sure, we were due for a win.  But it feels like there’s a shoe that’s going to drop.  Like Littlefinger tries to marry Sansa, or Dorne comes back into the fray, or Cersei loses her trial and then tells Qyburn to go under the city and use all the- sorry, I’m digressing, you get the picture.

There was a little less of a close call in Essos.  Dany is basically playing on easy mode at this point; it’s not even fair.  Just whips out her Game Genie and summons dragons at will. And by the time she gets to Westeros, she’s probably not going to face much hostility.  After her dragons stop by Euron Greyjoy’s armada for a quick brunch, they should get to Westeros with a lot of sympathetic houses.  Yet again all too easy.  I haven’t seen a fight this one sided since Shireen vs. fire.  And now she’s got the Greyjoy’s!  Though, then again, everything shitty happens to the Greyjoys.  Shit, those boats are gonna sink aren’t they?  Can somebody get the Dothraki some floaties, please!

Meanwhile, in Winterfell…

Jon:  Okay, that about wraps up the reconstruction.  We just put up a shitload of new trees in our god garden-

Sansa:  Godswood.

Jon:  Whatever, and we’re good to go!  Now, to start, like, governing and shit.

Sansa:  Cool, let me know if any lords have come to swear fealty to me.

Jon:  Whoa whoa whoa, who died and made you queen?

Sansa:  Rickon.  That happened like, yesterday.

Jon:  Right.  But I’m like, super cool.  All the girls love me, guys wanna be me, and I’m basically the best swordsman in this show.

Sansa:  What about Brienne?

Jon:  I said swoardsMAN!

Sansa:  *rolls her eyes basically forever*

Jon:  Point is, I should be the lord.  I’m in the show way more and-

*Bran enters Winterfell*

Jon:  OH FOR FUCKS SAKE!

Sansa:  BRAN!

The Entire Audience:  Oh no…

Bran:  Hey guys, I’m back to rule and stuff.  Also, I killed basically everyone with me, except for Benjen, who is dead.

*Dead Benjen waves*

*Silence*

Bran:  Where’s Rickon?  I sent him and Osha to the Umbers for their safety…

*More silence*

Bran:  Oh, also, I had the craziest dream right before I got here, where the Night’s King and I were holding hands as I walked into Winterfell.  And now here I am!  Isn’t that great?

Jon:  You know what, maybe Sansa should be in charge…

Before we wrap up today, I’d be remiss if I didn’t address the death of Ramsay Bolton.  As many who read this blog know, I’ve championed Ramsay as one of my favorite characters ever since his appearance in Season 3.  Villains are often the most interesting characters since they are unpredictable and can have unusual personalities.  From the start, Ramsay was a charismatic, ruthless sociopath who sadistically laughed his way to the top of the villain hierarchy in a show that has had quite a few memorable antagonists.  He’s killed his father, his step-mom, his half brother, Rickon, Osha, that old lady helping Sansa, a shitload of Ironborn, and Theon’s penis.  Not a bad scoreboard.  As this show shifts from a buch of lovable goofs just hacking off heads to a dreary ice zombie dirge trudging toward inevitability, I have to say I’m going to miss the son of a bitch.  There was even a part of me that was hoping those dogs would just lick the blood off his face and go back in their cages…what’s that?  Just me?  Fine, I knew he had to die and it was a satisfying way to see him go.  May you terrorize and torture people in the fictional character hell where you belong.

Quick Hits:

1. Should’ve let Lyanna Mormont lead that charge.  Whole army would’ve run in terror.
2. A Westeros version of the Hangover with Tormund, Bronn, and Podrick.  You’re welcome, Earth.
3. To all arrogant villains in a surrender negotiation: if the supposedly weaker side requests YOUR surrender, and you don’t have a surprise up your sleeve, you should probably refrain from laughing in their face.
4. I like the lingering shot on the Arryn’s Banner like 50% of the audience knew who they were.  Better off having a picture of a moon and a door, or a 14 year old kid breastfeeding.
5. RIP Rickon.  He was a Stark to the end; running in a straight line like an idiot and dying after accomplishing nothing.
6. I’d love to see the look on the gravedigger’s face when he sees Wun Wun’s body.
7. The opening credits would’ve spoiled Littlefinger saving the day if literally everyone didn’t see it coming.
8. I’m glad the Harpies went out doing what they loved…stabbing former masters for no discernible reason whatsoever.
9. The fuck did Davos think happened to Shireen?  She died of old age?
10. Hey, Stark Army?  I don’t wanna tell you who to be, but if you see yourself getting surrounded by a phalanx, may not be the best plan to bunch up and wait.
11. Ramsay:  “Their army’s gone.”
    Bolton Soldier:  “What about the Vale’s army?”
    Ramsay:  “Hey…shut up.”
12. Quick breakdown of the best archers on the show: 1) Anguy, 2) Ygritte, 3) Ramsay, 4) Blackfish, 5) Olly, last Edmure.  Shame only the last one is still in the show.