*Spoilers up to the current episode of Game of Thrones*

Oh, hello there people reading the thumbnail.  Nice to see you.  If you could just…there, think that’s far enough…just a bit more…OF FUCKING COURSE JON SNOW IS ALIVE OUR NATIONAL NIGHTMARE IS OVER!  U-S-A!  U-S-A!  U-S-A!  And while that’s all well and good, there’s still a lot of questions out there though.  Like, will Jon Snow still have all his memories?  Do those 10 organ piercing stab wounds need to be stitched up?  Does he like the new Radiohead song?  I’m sure most of these will be addressed next episode in some capacity, but for now all we get to do is speculate.  Seriously though, if he doesn’t put some duct tape on his chest he should be leaking the red stuff like the Black Knight.

And who do we have to thank for this?  Everyone’s favorite child killer, Melisandre.  What gets me is how emo Melisandre got.  So she thought she saw Stannis Baratheon and Jon Snow fighting in her flames.  Big deal.  She’s swallowed poison, lived for hundreds of years, and given birth to a demon assassin smoke baby.  I don’t know much, but there is at least some god in that universe paying attention.  At least she finally got some redemption though.  Chick has been responsible for more Baratheon deaths than Robert’s Rebellion.  The least she can do is bring back the main character of the entire fucking series.

All right, I’ll admit it, I was intrigued by the Bran stuff this week.  Much like Bran, I have a deep interest in the pre-show/books timeline.  Now, characters like Lyanna Stark, Elia Martell, the Mad King, and Rhaegar Targaryen come into play, as well as the ability to see older characters in their younger years.  Now, Hodor wouldn’t have been high on my list…but it’s still cool.  Plus it beats the shit out of the whiny emo fest that is no-legs Bran and no-bro Meera listening to the Westeros version of Sunny Day Real Estate and Bright Eyes, oozing teen-aged angst with their shaggy black hair/black clothes combo, wondering what the point of it all is.  Wait this is hitting too close to home, moving on…

Hey, look!  Balon Greyjoy’s back!  I guess that leech in the fire thing was total bull- aaaaaand he’s gone.  Truth be told, the only reason he was still alive was due to the God of Indifference (the writers) and the delay of the Greyjoy storyline.  Sure, no one gave a crap about them last time, but isn’t anyone question what they’ve been up to?  Anyone?  Anyone at all?  Gendry?

We already have a kingdom no one cares about.  It’s called Dorne.  We get no Bronn, no Littlefinger, not even Sam, but don’t worry, we’re going back to Theon’s family for a hot minute.  Let’s hope they learned from Dorne and make characters that do things that entertain us and actually mean something.  And they have to do all that without Tyene Sand’s fantastic set of personality.

Speaking of Theon I have no fucking idea why Sansa feels Theon has been redeemed.  Here are the list of things Theon has done since Season 1 that affect Sansa:

 

1. Been a huge dick to everyone in Winterfell
2. Betrayed Robb which indirectly led to his death.
3. Made Bran and Rickon run away to unknown-to-Sansa locations.
4. Did a shit job of hacking off the head of Winterfell’s master-at-arms.
5. Burned two farm boys (I think only he really cares about that one, but still).
6. Gave up control of Winterfell to the Boltons, essentially allowing it to be sacked.
7. You can make an argument that his betrayal also led to the Red Wedding, so add Catelyn to that list.
8. Tattled on Sansa’s escape plan.
9. Came up with his own plan which was basically try to kill ourselves and if that doesn’t work run away with no good destination in the snow.

That’s it.  If I were Sansa I’d just continue kicking him in the groin area until he grew back balls to kick.  Sure he killed Myranda (linked for your viewing pleasure).  But that doesn’t excuse the fucking first class assholery he conducted for most of his existence.

But since he’s still alive and well, let’s break down human cutting board.  Theon going home (which I assume is the Iron Islands due to the not so subtle smash cut to Pyke) marks the second time he’s had an option to go to the Wall and hasn’t taken it (the first being right before the sacking of Winterfell when Maester Luwin told him to run).  I like to think there’s an alternative universe where Theon is hanging out at Castle Black paranoid Jon Snow will try to kill him until he redeems himself somehow, and then just goes back to being a generally antagonistic shitheel.  He’d be crushing Molestown, giving Sam shit, and just be totally having a penis.

Meanwhile, at Winterfell…

Ramsay: Maester, please inform the Seven Kingdoms about my father’s passing.

Maester: Yes, Lord Bolton.

Ramsay: Tell them that he was poisoned by our enemies.

Maester: And Lady Walda, my Lord?

Ramsay: Hmm?

Maester: How should I say she died?

Ramsay: …she tripped.

Maester: SHE TRIPPED?

Ramsay: Yup.  Right down the stairs.  Quite nasty actually.

Maester:  SHE DOESN’T EVEN HAVE A FACE!

Ramsay: To be fair, she didn’t have much of one before, rather plain…

Maester: THERE WAS NOTHING LEFT OF THE BABY!

Ramsay: Well of course not, she landed on top of him!

Maester: You gotta be fucking kidding me…

Ramsay: Look no one feels worse about this than me…

Maester: …and you already fed the dogs too, so that can’t be your excuse.

Ramsay: …I’ll put up a sign that says something like “Watch out!  Stairs!” and hopefully this won’t happen again.

*raven flies in*

Maester: *reading* Looks like Lord Frey is inviting you to dinner…

Ramsay: Hard pass.

Quick tangent, if you’ll indulge me.  It might have gotten glossed over, but Ramsay says the Umbers, the Manderlys, and the Karstarks command more soldiers than all the other houses combined.  That’s true, however that’s not what I’m getting at.  At the end of season 3, Bran tells Osha to take Rickon to the Umbers.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VVlRkEqI2T0

 

From what it sounds like, the Umbers have already been won by the Boltons.  It’s possible Rickon is being hidden there…or that he didn’t go there at all.  What I’m getting at is finding Rickon doesn’t seem like it’s going to be as easy as walking to a castle and shaking a few hands.  And even though Rickon was never a big character in the show, he’s still an important character to the story and his location is an interesting one to keep tabs on.

Quick Hits:

1. If you’re gonna train Arya again this year fine, but can we skip to the parkour stuff I saw in the trailer?  I don’t need to see a teen-aged girl wash dead bodies anymore, thank you.
2. I’m glad Tyrion knew he was the only one that could release those dragons since he’s the only one in Meereen wearing plot armor.
3. Speaking of Tyrion, just start printing the “I drink and I know things” shirts now.  I know you got them ready.
4. If you think you’re having a bad day, at least you weren’t splattered against a wall.
5. Twice.
6. Tommen saying he should’ve been a ruler like Cersei is like saying he should’ve been a brother like Ramsay Bolton.
7. People keep saying they think Ramsay is gonna die.  Why?  He’s the main villain on the show! On a scale from Alliser Thorne to Jon Snow on likeliness to die, he’s about a Littlefinger.
8. Best thing Ramsay has going for him is he’s literally the only character Ramsay probably won’t kill. And I can’t even rule that out.  He’s just so damn unpredictable.
9. I like to imagine a world where Littlefinger and Bronn are together traveling around, and they just keep bumping into lost characters like Osha, Nymeria, and Gendry.  Actually just Gendry.  Where the fuck is Gendry?
10. JUST SHOW ME A FLIPPED BOAT!  AT LEAST THAT’LL GIVE ME SOME CLOSURE!

That’s it for this week, here’s to a new Lord of Winterfell, soon to be new King of the Iron Islands, and happy returns to Jon Snow, the Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch…and our hearts.