Month: May 2016

For the Watchers: S6E6 “Blood of My Blood”

~ Sam Holt ~ 1 Comment

Game of Thrones is known as a show of schemes and plots.  The conniving minds of Westeros (and, unfortunately, Essos) usually come together to outwit, betray, and destroy their opposition.  For the past 5 1/2 seasons, we’ve seen smooth moves from the likes of Tyrion, Littlefinger, Tywin, Varys, Dany, Olenna, Margaery, and even Cersei for a hot minute.  It is also known as a show of death, famously nixing main character after main character, from Ned Stark all the way to Jon Snow the first time.  And somehow, last Sunday we were treated to no schemes, no plots, and perhaps most shockingly, no deaths.  Not even Bolton Knight #2 or even a Stark (Besides Ned, Catelyn, and Robb’s deaths all appearing in Bran’s memory explosion.  Give the Starks credit, they even die in episodes where no one dies.).  This is the first time no one has died in an episode since Season 3, Episode 7 (“The Bear and the Maiden Fair”).  However, that was the episode where Theon got castrated, so I guess you can count Theon’s penis as a casualty.

Edmure Tully:  Now the second most competent person in this picture.
So how did the notoriously bloody Game of Thrones survive with this sudden lack of death?  Some good ol’ fashioned shit happening.  Traveling for 5 episodes?  Guess it’s time to steal your punk-ass dad’s ultra rare sword.  Training to be an assassin for like 2 years?  Fuck that, time to proudly proclaim your existence and slap some fucking rum out of some dumb broad’s hand and say “you’re welcome.”  Haven’t seen some of your favorite characters in a few seasons?  Guess what, we got The Hound, Gendry, and Bronn uh, Benjen Stark, Walder Frey, and Edmure Tully.  Okay, so some of those returns were underwhelming, but man, business is beginning to pick up.

So, if Bran wasn’t satisfied fucking everything up again last week, he starts out this week by immediately fucking up again.  Unfortunately, he gets saved by a particularly not alive Benjen Stark.  I like how they hid his face for his introduction, then revealed his face like 98% of the audience expected to know who it was.  On a good day, the average viewer will recognize Tommen, and that’s with the crown on his head.  As much as I don’t like Bran, at least he’s the first line of defense against the White Walkers, and that’s good since that means I probably won’t have to see Bran much longer.

“Don’t worry, I left a note.  And it says ‘GFY Dad. S my D.'”
Heading south, it turns out being a shitty father is just simply a Game of Thrones theme at this point.  Like somehow Jaime banged his sister and pretends to be his kids’ uncle and he’s like a top 5 dad on the show.  The more impressive thing is that Randyll Tarly basically said he would kill his son, called him fat, and treated what is essentially his step-daughter as less than human…and he’s still not even like bottom 3.  Hey Randyll, burned any children lately?  No?  Had sex with any of them?  Then you’re all right in my book.  Sam then puts his big boy pants on and steals his father’s sword.  His father’s fucking Valyrian steel sword.  There’s like 5 of those left!  They also conveniently kill White Walkers, which makes me believe Sam is not long for the Citadel.  Sorry you couldn’t be a wizard bro.

Meanwhile, in King’s Landing:

High Sparrow:  And now, Queen Margaery will begin her-

Jaime:  Hey fuckboy, how ’bout you give us the queen back?

High Sparrow: I beg your pardon?

Olenna Tyrell:  This plotline has grown stale.  Literally no one likes you.  You have a worse approval rating than Dorne.

High Sparrow:  How dare you!

Olenna Tyrell:  *shrugs*

Jaime: Listen, just give us Margaery, she can go back to having awkward sex scenes with Tommen and you guys can go brood in the background or something.

High Sparrow:  Sure…I could do that…or…

*Tommen appears at High Sparrow’s side*

Audience:  *groans collectively*

High Sparrow:  What was that?

Jaime:  That was the sound of literally everyone watching upset that this is still a thing.

High Sparrow:  What’s wrong with the Sparrows?

Jaime:  Do you think people look forward to Sundays because of church?

Tommen:  Uncle Jaime, I am uniting the crown with the church in order to-

Jaime:  For fuck’s sake, can you just die already?  Let that boat kid be king for all I care.

Tommen:  Uncle!

Jaime:  You don’t know the half of it.  We all know it’s coming, might as well get it over with.  I’m about to go fight the Tully’s, I need some fucking sympathy before everyone hates me again.

Mace Tyrell:  I’m a peacock.

Mace Tyrell:  The Ralph Wiggum of Game of Thrones
Now we come to Arya Stark, who, contrary to past reports, does indeed exist.  Sometimes you just need to almost kill a really nice lady before you figure out who you really are.  That lady was so nice, she made CERSEI look sympathetic.  Luckily for her, Arya sucks at poisoning more than Mace Tyrell does at appearing intelligent.  But she doesn’t have to worry about that anymore since she’s got Needle back.  I just hope that with the House of Black and White coming after her, that she can eviscerate the most arrogant body washer in the history of fiction and finally get her ass to Westeros.  It does seem like everyone is finally getting to Westeros. Except Tyrion.  And Gendry.

  1. Randyll Tarly is trying so hard to be Tywin Lannister I half expected Sam to shoot him with a crossbow.
  2. Gilly:  “He’s a greater warrior than either of you will ever be.”
    Dickon Tarly:  “…the fuck did I do?”
  3. I wanna meet the Dothraki that listened to Dany’s speech and was just like “Nah, I’m good.”
  4. Honestly, what is stopping Cersei from just going on a Grand Theft Auto spree and then just calling for a Trial by Combat each time?  Has she not thought of this?  Don’t answer that.
  5. Could’ve used Lady Crane’s acting in Dorne last year.
  6. I have a book-assisted theory on who the new Lord Commander of the Kingsguard will be, but a huge part of me just wants to see Bronn walk out with a white cloak just casually eating an apple 100% not giving a shit.
  7. Part of me will always be expecting Walder Frey to put Harry Potter in detention.
  8. In all seriousness, Needle was by far the best return this week.
  9. It occurred to me when I was watching Jaqen peel back a man’s face that it probably wasn’t a good idea to be rooting for that guy.
  10. Dany needs a thousand ships?  Let’s hope Yara is better at rowing than Gendry.

That’s our week.  Here’s hoping Arya escapes to Westeros next week, and just starts killing everyone who deserves it:  High Sparrow, Walder Frey, Ramsay Bolton, and most deservedly, Bran.

For the Watchers: S6E5 “The Door”

~ Sam Holt ~ Leave a comment

*Spoilers for Game of Thrones up to the current episode*

Things happen fast in the Game of Thrones universe.  Kids become adults.  Littlefinger makes a 500 mile journey in one episode.  And Sansa steps up and starts holding her own.  It’s about time someone realized Lord Baelish was a total dickhead.  When Sansa called him out on how awful of a decision it was to give her to Ramsay, she says what we were all thinking last year (“If you didn’t know, you’re an idiot.  If you did know, you’re my enemy.”)  With her Baelish banishment though, Sansa appears to be more of a Stark than previously thought, as she throws away the Vale, probably one of (if not, THE) largest army in the Seven Kingdoms, for honor.  They haven’t fought in any wars, and they were willing to fight for her.  Not saying she’s not right…but I’m just saying the last person to choose honor over pragmatism ended up getting most of his family stabbed.  However, trusting Littlefinger got basically the rest of that family stabbed, so it’s really a lose lose.

It’s okay guys, everyone knows you’re the best of all time.  And everyone has totally listened to whatever new album you have.

Looks like there’s a new Red Woman in town!  Can’t be Melisandre because she was on screen for five whole minutes and not once did she take her top off.   Seriously, Melisandre should be looking at this new priest like Cersei looked at Margaery.  She even scared the shit out of Varys.  That butterball literally exists to know shit, and this chick knew such intense deep shit about him he looked like someone told him Radiohead was a bad band.  Honestly, if I lived in this universe, sign me up for some R’hllor.  Hot priests resurrecting you while you just have to super hope you don’t have kings blood in you?  Done and done.  Where do I sign?  Hey, what’re you doing with that leech?

Meanwhile, at the Kingsmoot…

Yara:  I deserve to be queen!

Random Ironborn:  What about Theon?

Theon: Guys, Yara is the best queen the Ironborn could possibly have.  She’s a great leader, a great reaver, and she will-

Euron:  Where’s your cock?

Theon: What?

Euron:  I have a great penis, I should be King.

Theon:  Dude, literally all you’ve done is throw my dad off a bridge and been an asshole.

Euron:  Yes, but do either of you have a penis?

Yara:  What does having a penis have to do with being a good ruler?

Euron:  Basically everything.  Whoever has the best penis is the best ruler everyone knows that.

*Ironborn mostly shrug and nod in agreement*

Yara:  That makes literally no sense.  If anything, caring about your penis definitely makes you a worse ruler.

Euron:  Yes, but have you ever had a penis?

Theon:  I have.

Euron:  How’s that working out for you?

Theon:  YARA DESERVES TO BE QUEEN!

Euron:  May I remind the jury this man is completely devoid of a penis.

Theon:  GODDAMMIT!  My character has depth!  I’m on a redemption story, regaining confidence, and I’m sick of my only descriptive detail is “that guy with no dick!”

*waves crash against the rocks, as a long silence fills the air*

Random Ironborn:  …so you don’t have a penis?

Theon:  That’s it.  Fuck you guys.  I’m going to Essos.

Should’ve pushed him out of a higher window.

And now we finally come to the shitshow beyond the Wall.  Bran Stark is probably indirectly responsible for more deaths than the Great Chicago Fire.  Starts from day 1.  Hey idiot, mom said don’t climb the castle.  How’d that work out for you?  You crippled your dumb legs and started a war.  Maybe if you spent a little more time listening to mom she would’ve been gushing about how awesome your legs are rather than gushing blood from her severed jugular vein.  Then there was Osha and Rickon.  Send them to the Umbers he said.  It’ll be fine he said.  That ended with Shaggydog’s head as a Captain Hook popsicle and Osha getting skewered like a shish kebab.  I’ll give him a pass on Jojen since that cryptic dingus knew it was coming, but this.  THIS is all on Bran.  If you’re going to have unsanctioned warging, you could’ve at least had the decency to check out the ending of the Tower of Joy scene.  But no, you go visit the army of the dead and get yourself found out.  You killed an entire ancient race, your warging Mr. Miagi, your fucking dog, and are directly responsible not only for Hodor’s death, but for his entire fucking sad existence.  Dude was perfectly happy just ambling around tending horses and unlike Theon, actively having a huge penis.  Then you melted his brain and made the point of his entire existence to save your dumbass self.  Frankly Bran is the real villain of this series.  Meera should just leave him before he gets her lit on fire.

 

Quick Hits:

“You colossally fucked up.  You truly are a Stark.”
  1. RIP Summer.  You were always the dog who’s name I knew second most.
  2. “And you Daario?  Do you love me?”  “…oh hey, look at the sun, I gotta go…horse.”
  3. Davos:  With what army are we supposed to take Winterfell?
    Sansa:  I’ve got the Blackfish in Riverrun.
    Davos:  You got the Blackfish?
    Sansa:  You feel better motherfucker?
    Davos:  Shiiiiiit, that’s all you had to say!
  4. You have to drown to become king of the Iron Islands?  Man, Tommen only had to watch his brother get brutally murdered in front of him.
  5. So for those of you scoring at home, if the Night’s King touches you, he can enter cheat codes that allows him to find you and enter your magically blocked super secret base.  Don’t bother trying to figure out why, it just makes sense, okay!
  6. Arya’s upset because they make her dad look stupid.  That’s certainly unfair, because all he did was accept the King’s Hand position, side with Catelyn arresting Tyrion with no evidence, threaten the queen, refuse help from Renly, and trust Littlefinger.
  7. Give me an “Edd Tollett, Lord Commander” sitcom, and give it to me now.
  8. Meera:  Hold the door!
    Hodor:  Hodor!  *Hodor thoughtfully holds the door open for the wights*
    Meera:  HODOR NOOOOO!
  9. Good luck to Jorah for finding a cure to greyscale in the land where child birth is still a 50/50 shot.
  10. I’m hoping Bronn returns next week.  Not sure what he could do though.  Maybe he’ll go back to Dorne.  Sidenote, that is literally the only reason I’d want to go back to Dorne.

And finally, in memory of Hodor, the reigning penis champion of Westeros (look it up if you want, I’m certainly not linking it), I’ve decided to crown a new champion.  Now, I have no way of knowing this, and it’s all speculation, but…I have a pretty good idea:

 

For the Watchers: S6E4 “Book of the Stranger”

~ Sam Holt ~ 1 Comment

 

*Spoilers for Game of Thrones up to the current episode*

Sometimes, you forget.  Whether it’s because of indifference, obliviousness, or ignorance, there are often times you need to be reminded of certain things.  It could be a birthday or an anniversary.  Maybe it’s where you’ve seen the High Sparrow before.  Perhaps it’s the national bird of Peru, the Andean cock-of-the-rock.  This week, Game of Thrones reminded you that Dany fucking runs shit.  That’s what she does.  She wakes up, rubs her piercing non-violet eyes, puts on her New Balance, finds a Drake playlist on Spotify, and fucking runs shit.  In the beginning of this season, I was wondering how Jorah and Daario would managed to smuggle Dany out of Vaes Dothrak.  Turns out they don’t.  Dany just sits there brooding ’til she’s like “Oh shit, that’s right, I’m basically a superhero!” and just toasts some motherfuckers.  I’ve never seen something actively on fire be so cold.  Good luck to Daario if he ever spurns her.  Let’s see how the endless one-liners and x-rated knives work out then.

To the Wall, where so much shit happened, it needs it’s own Quick Hits section.

The Wall Bits:

“I can’t see me loving nobody but you, for all my liiiiife!”
  1. Jon and Sansa reuniting was great, but I kinda wished it had been Jon and Arya.  Or Sansa and Arya.  Jesus, can everyone get the fuck out of Essos please?
  2. I hope someday I find a girl that makes me feel the way Tormund does when he sees Brienne.
  3. Not sure why Melisandre is so guilty about burning Shireen, she totally made all that snow melt even before Ramsay lit their entire camp on fire.
  4. I like that Sansa is taking charge.  It allows Jon Snow to go back to what he does best: being a whiny little bitch.
  5. If Podrick joins the Night’s Watch, it would be the biggest waste of talent since Len Bias.

The combined forces of Jon Snow, the Wildlings, and the Vale’s incoming army attacking Winterfell seems to finally be galvanizing all the northern plotlines towards an engaging center.  Plus, Ramsay’s been dealing with a bit of over exposure lately, since he’s actually making killing people look boring.  They’re just dropping like flies at Winterfell.  This week may have seemed a bit excessive, but you had to do something about Osha eventually.  You either kill Tonks off screen or you kill her on screen, doesn’t make narrative sense to keep her around.  But it’s also starting to not make sense to keep Ramsay around.  He’s not going to be the king, and being Lord of Winterfell isn’t a long term viable option for a tactless sociopath, so he’s probably due some comeuppance.  He’s probably not going to be as big a fan of dogs though, once he sees Ghost.

Meanwhile, in King’s Landing…

Septa Unella: The High Sparrow will see you now.

Margaery: *under her breath* Please don’t tell me a long boring story…please don’t tell me a long boring story…please don’t-

High Sparrow: When I was a cobbler…

Look, I can barely keep my eyes open.

Margaery:  Goddammit.

High Sparrow: What?

Margaery: Seriously, literally no one gives a shit.

High Sparrow:  My dear, you need to hear of my past so you can be motivated to change your ways.

Margaery: More like change the time of my afternoon nap.  Dude, you’re like Nyquil mixed with Benadryl, only you don’t alleviate my irritation.

High Sparrow: You have to atone for your sins…

Margaery:  You gonna shame walk me?

High Sparrow: You must be naked before the eyes of gods and men…

Margaery:  More like naked before the eyes of new HBO Now subscribers…

High Sparrow:  …and complete your walk of atonement through the city…

Margaery: Dude, no fucking way.  The last one took like 15 fucking minutes.  We have way too many plots going on for that to happen.  Don’t you want to see what Sam is puking into this week?

High Sparrow:  No one wants that.

Margaery:  Fair enough, just let me get back to my life.

High Sparrow:  You mean banging a 14 year old?

Margaery:  Well, when you put it like that…

Picture unrelated.

And now we come to the Greyjoys for…well, some reason.  From a non-book perspective, I can’t see why anyone would give a shit.  So far, you have some weird dude that dumped Balon Greyjoy off a bridge, Theon’s sister is basically constantly pissed off, and some old dude rambled about a Kingsmoot.  That’s it.  Now Theon and Yara are fronting the duel-dickless bid for the throne.  I will say Theon seems troubled by the fact that the last person to touch his dick was his sister.  Considering first time he saw her in the show, this is probably quite fitting.

Quick Hits:

You piece of shit!  Stop throwing my gifts out that precariously placed plot device!
  1. As if Meereen isn’t bad enough, Tyrion is basically the worst third wheel since Harry Potter.
  2. Robin Arryn is basically just the face of the Entitlement Generation.  At least Littlefinger got him a present he can’t just throw out the Moon Door.
  3. If Robin ends up married to Sansa at the end of this, the real winner of the Game of Thrones is barely pubescent boys.
  4. Fucking Littlefinger is straight just wearing a black cape now.  He’s not even pretending to be a good guy.  He looks like he’s about to bite someone’s neck or debut his own Halloween cereal.
  5. If I was Jorah, next time Daario gave me shit, I’d just tell him I rubbed my greyscale on the inside of his pants.  Then nothing but “rock hard” puns until Meereen.
  6. I do like to think of the High Sparrow just getting turnt listening to Turn Down For What.
  7. What’s that?  You want two Reeks?  Okay, here you go!
  8. Wouldn’t Jaime know Lancel was the reason Cersei got arrested?  High chance that dude gets the Jory Cassel treatment.
  9. Anyone else notice Ramsay peeled the skin off the apple and then ate it anyway?  What a dickshit.
  10. Oh sweet, Theon is gonna help Yara at the Kingsmoot.  I’m sure he’ll have great things to say like *mumbles incoherently* and *cries incessantly*.  I’m sure that’ll go over great!

Tune in next week, where Bran probably sees the end of the Tower of- what’s that?  The fucking NIGHT KING is there?  Already?  It’s not even halfway through the season!  Oh for fuck’s sake…

For the Watchers: S6E3 Oathbreaker

~ Sam Holt ~ Leave a comment

*Spoilers for Game of Thrones up to Episode 3 of Season 6*

There’s a lot of fiction that includes a relatively normal world introducing something fantastical to the main characters.  Time travel, body switching, Jay Baruchel dating Alice Eve…you get the picture.  So, everyone is sitting around shocked asking questions.  Davos asking what he remembers, Melisandre looking for answers to the afterlife, Edd wondering how he got jokes…but Jon has no answers.  Typical Jon Snow, knowing nothing, not sure what you expected people.  But once everyone’s over the shock and the summary executions are over with, Jon goes rogue and ends his watch.  So, now Jon’s going off to do…something.  I’m not sure what.  Perhaps go after Ramsay Bolton?  Even though your entire pitch to Olly was we need the Wildlings to stop the White Walkers?  You know…band of ice zombies, super keen on slaughtering all non-snow skeletons?  No, just gonna pout and leave?  Aight.

Here’s Olly, making lifelong friendships with the Wildlings.

Speaking of Olly, fans rejoiced across the world this week when he, among others, was executed.  Olly has been an increasingly curious character since his introduction that screamed inconspicuous plot accelerator.  Even the nod to him at the Battle of Castle Black seemed to bring his story full circle, allowing him to enter the background of the plot.  However, natural progression of the storyline thrust him to the front lines of a major plot.  Olly finds himself in a rare Dornish situation of being hated by both ardent book truthers (for not existing) and show watchers (for killing Jon Snow and being a little shit turd).  But, hot take alert:

Olly was a great character built out of nothing with incredibly justifiable actions.

There, I said it.  AND I’M NOT EVEN A BIT SORRY!  I thought he was shitty last year just because I didn’t think they’d kill Jon Snow (and didn’t think they’d use a resurrection angle to free him of his duties).  He stuck around literally as long as he had to, had an nice tight arc, and got a fulfilling demise.  So here’s to Olly, may he rot in fictional character hell.

No seriously this dude was dope…I know you’ve only seen him lose a fight, but listen…

Onto the Tower of Joy, where an ugly Neil Patrick Harris lookalike playing Ned Stark is to take on Sir Arthur Dayne, the best swordsman in Westeros.  After taking the cheap victory with help from Meera’s father, he begins to ascend the tower to finally put an end to all the specu-WHAT THE SHIT OLD MAN?  You psychic suck monster!  Okay, so we knew that reveal wasn’t happening this fast, but it’s still more of a tease than those two girls on still-having-a-penis Theon.  Perhaps by the end of the season, we’ll finally get to see what’s in that tower.  But I’m sure Ned seemingly hearing Bran will come up somewhere later…and hopefully it won’t distract Ned from seeing who killed Lyanna.

Meanwhile in King’s Landing…

Tommen: HEY DROOPY FACE

High Sparrow: Yes, Your Grace?

Tommen: I AM CROSS WITH YOU

High Sparrow: Why Your Grace?

Tommen: CAUSE YOU MADE MOMMY MAD

High Sparrow: Yes, but your mother needs to atone…

Tommen: YOU GOSH DARN MEANY LET MOMMY SEE MY DEAD SISTER

High Sparrow: Hey, what’s that over there?

Tommen: WHAT I SEE NO-

High Sparrow: Is that a kitty?

Tommen: OMGYESYESYES KITTY KITTY KITTY

High Sparrow: Now what was your request Your Grace?

Tommen: Hmm? Oh, I need like 20 more kitties.  For…religion.

High Sparrow: Of course, Your Grace.

I like my Umbers better when dogs are attacking them.

Last week, I made mention that the Umbers supposedly have Rickon Stark and it would probably take more than “shaking a few hands” to get to Rickon.  Well, I was wrong.  Lord Umber didn’t even wanna shake hands.  Besides the glaring fact that Starks are springing up like Jack’s beanstalk while Gilly’s son has been a baby for 3 seasons…bringing Rickon back is a good move.  It gives people a reason to attack Ramsay, makes Ramsay more potentially dangerous, and shows basically everyone else in the North is a total dickcheese.  Like seriously, Umber? Sure, in the books, Shaggydog was a bit of a loose cannon, but in the show he’s just a fucking dog.  Don’t need to decapitate yet another dog.  This fucking show.  And no, I don’t subscribe to the theory that the dog head was too small to be Shaggydog.  You’ve got a kid that grew 3 feet in like two years and you think they give a shit about the size of a dog’s head?  Nah son.

Quick Hits:

  1. I’m not saying Tommen is a push over, but if he was a board game he’d be Jenga.  If he were a mother he’d be Lysa Arryn.
  2. Hey, where was that Arya montage last year?  Could’ve saved us from like 14 dead body baths.
  3. But seriously, good to see Arya reaching her 4 season goal of ceasing to exist.  Although, most of the Starks already achieved that goal.
  4. Dany thinks she’s Beyonce but she’s really Michelle Williams.
  5. I’m glad we finally got to see Sam just for him to tell us what every press release told us the entire off season.  What a waste.  Wait, some people don’t read all those?
  6. Say what you want about finishing a fight with honor, but I think Howland Reed had the right idea.  Where was that hustle from Tyrion when Oberyn was getting his head made into a Picasso painting?
  7. Okay, everyone who had Dolorous Edd becoming Lord Commander, collect your prize at the door.
  8. I really wanna watch a drinking game with Tyrion, Daario, Varys, and Dany.  No charge guys, just make it happen.
  9. Qyburn even sucks at candy.
  10. Cersei, when you inevitably have Zombie Mountain slice and dice the small council, can you please spare Lady Olenna?  With Bronn MIA and Oberyn dead, she’s basically the only funny person in King’s Landing.  Or just bring Bronn back.  Free money here fellas.

And that’s our show, join us next week when Jon Snow probably does a thing, Daario and Jorah try a thing, Littlefinger is actually around to do things, and Tommen definitely doesn’t doing anything.

 

 

 

For the Watchers: S6E2 Home

~ Sam Holt ~ 1 Comment

*Spoilers up to the current episode of Game of Thrones*

Oh, hello there people reading the thumbnail.  Nice to see you.  If you could just…there, think that’s far enough…just a bit more…OF FUCKING COURSE JON SNOW IS ALIVE OUR NATIONAL NIGHTMARE IS OVER!  U-S-A!  U-S-A!  U-S-A!  And while that’s all well and good, there’s still a lot of questions out there though.  Like, will Jon Snow still have all his memories?  Do those 10 organ piercing stab wounds need to be stitched up?  Does he like the new Radiohead song?  I’m sure most of these will be addressed next episode in some capacity, but for now all we get to do is speculate.  Seriously though, if he doesn’t put some duct tape on his chest he should be leaking the red stuff like the Black Knight.

“Hello darkness, my old friend…”
And who do we have to thank for this?  Everyone’s favorite child killer, Melisandre.  What gets me is how emo Melisandre got.  So she thought she saw Stannis Baratheon and Jon Snow fighting in her flames.  Big deal.  She’s swallowed poison, lived for hundreds of years, and given birth to a demon assassin smoke baby.  I don’t know much, but there is at least some god in that universe paying attention.  At least she finally got some redemption though.  Chick has been responsible for more Baratheon deaths than Robert’s Rebellion.  The least she can do is bring back the main character of the entire fucking series.

All right, I’ll admit it, I was intrigued by the Bran stuff this week.  Much like Bran, I have a deep interest in the pre-show/books timeline.  Now, characters like Lyanna Stark, Elia Martell, the Mad King, and Rhaegar Targaryen come into play, as well as the ability to see older characters in their younger years.  Now, Hodor wouldn’t have been high on my list…but it’s still cool.  Plus it beats the shit out of the whiny emo fest that is no-legs Bran and no-bro Meera listening to the Westeros version of Sunny Day Real Estate and Bright Eyes, oozing teen-aged angst with their shaggy black hair/black clothes combo, wondering what the point of it all is.  Wait this is hitting too close to home, moving on…

Balon Greyjoy:  As good at crossing bridges as the cast of Final Destination 5.
Hey, look!  Balon Greyjoy’s back!  I guess that leech in the fire thing was total bull- aaaaaand he’s gone.  Truth be told, the only reason he was still alive was due to the God of Indifference (the writers) and the delay of the Greyjoy storyline.  Sure, no one gave a crap about them last time, but isn’t anyone question what they’ve been up to?  Anyone?  Anyone at all?  Gendry?

We already have a kingdom no one cares about.  It’s called Dorne.  We get no Bronn, no Littlefinger, not even Sam, but don’t worry, we’re going back to Theon’s family for a hot minute.  Let’s hope they learned from Dorne and make characters that do things that entertain us and actually mean something.  And they have to do all that without Tyene Sand’s fantastic set of personality.

Speaking of Theon I have no fucking idea why Sansa feels Theon has been redeemed.  Here are the list of things Theon has done since Season 1 that affect Sansa:

 

  1. Been a huge dick to everyone in Winterfell
  2. Betrayed Robb which indirectly led to his death.
  3. Made Bran and Rickon run away to unknown-to-Sansa locations.
  4. Did a shit job of hacking off the head of Winterfell’s master-at-arms.
  5. Burned two farm boys (I think only he really cares about that one, but still).
  6. Gave up control of Winterfell to the Boltons, essentially allowing it to be sacked.
  7. You can make an argument that his betrayal also led to the Red Wedding, so add Catelyn to that list.
  8. Tattled on Sansa’s escape plan.
  9. Came up with his own plan which was basically try to kill ourselves and if that doesn’t work run away with no good destination in the snow.

Hey, I know this may look like a bad plan, but you’re totally gonna thank me later.
That’s it.  If I were Sansa I’d just continue kicking him in the groin area until he grew back balls to kick.  Sure he killed Myranda (linked for your viewing pleasure).  But that doesn’t excuse the fucking first class assholery he conducted for most of his existence.

But since he’s still alive and well, let’s break down human cutting board.  Theon going home (which I assume is the Iron Islands due to the not so subtle smash cut to Pyke) marks the second time he’s had an option to go to the Wall and hasn’t taken it (the first being right before the sacking of Winterfell when Maester Luwin told him to run).  I like to think there’s an alternative universe where Theon is hanging out at Castle Black paranoid Jon Snow will try to kill him until he redeems himself somehow, and then just goes back to being a generally antagonistic shitheel.  He’d be crushing Molestown, giving Sam shit, and just be totally having a penis.

Meanwhile, at Winterfell…

Ramsay: Maester, please inform the Seven Kingdoms about my father’s passing.

Maester: Yes, Lord Bolton.

Ramsay: Tell them that he was poisoned by our enemies.

Maester: And Lady Walda, my Lord?

Not exactly my pick for the face of only children.
Ramsay: Hmm?

Maester: How should I say she died?

Ramsay: …she tripped.

Maester: SHE TRIPPED?

Ramsay: Yup.  Right down the stairs.  Quite nasty actually.

Maester:  SHE DOESN’T EVEN HAVE A FACE!

Ramsay: To be fair, she didn’t have much of one before, rather plain…

Maester: THERE WAS NOTHING LEFT OF THE BABY!

Ramsay: Well of course not, she landed on top of him!

Maester: You gotta be fucking kidding me…

Ramsay: Look no one feels worse about this than me…

Maester: …and you already fed the dogs too, so that can’t be your excuse.

Ramsay: …I’ll put up a sign that says something like “Watch out!  Stairs!” and hopefully this won’t happen again.

*raven flies in*

Maester: *reading* Looks like Lord Frey is inviting you to dinner…

Ramsay: Hard pass.

Quick tangent, if you’ll indulge me.  It might have gotten glossed over, but Ramsay says the Umbers, the Manderlys, and the Karstarks command more soldiers than all the other houses combined.  That’s true, however that’s not what I’m getting at.  At the end of season 3, Bran tells Osha to take Rickon to the Umbers.

 

From what it sounds like, the Umbers have already been won by the Boltons.  It’s possible Rickon is being hidden there…or that he didn’t go there at all.  What I’m getting at is finding Rickon doesn’t seem like it’s going to be as easy as walking to a castle and shaking a few hands.  And even though Rickon was never a big character in the show, he’s still an important character to the story and his location is an interesting one to keep tabs on.

Quick Hits:

Oh, c’mon! That’s not even in the order that he says that!
  1. If you’re gonna train Arya again this year fine, but can we skip to the parkour stuff I saw in the trailer?  I don’t need to see a teen-aged girl wash dead bodies anymore, thank you.
  2. I’m glad Tyrion knew he was the only one that could release those dragons since he’s the only one in Meereen wearing plot armor.
  3. Speaking of Tyrion, just start printing the “I drink and I know things” shirts now.  I know you got them ready.
  4. If you think you’re having a bad day, at least you weren’t splattered against a wall.
  5. Twice.
  6. Tommen saying he should’ve been a ruler like Cersei is like saying he should’ve been a brother like Ramsay Bolton.
  7. People keep saying they think Ramsay is gonna die.  Why?  He’s the main villain on the show! On a scale from Alliser Thorne to Jon Snow on likeliness to die, he’s about a Littlefinger.
  8. Best thing Ramsay has going for him is he’s literally the only character Ramsay probably won’t kill. And I can’t even rule that out.  He’s just so damn unpredictable.
  9. I like to imagine a world where Littlefinger and Bronn are together traveling around, and they just keep bumping into lost characters like Osha, Nymeria, and Gendry.  Actually just Gendry.  Where the fuck is Gendry?
  10. JUST SHOW ME A FLIPPED BOAT!  AT LEAST THAT’LL GIVE ME SOME CLOSURE!

That’s it for this week, here’s to a new Lord of Winterfell, soon to be new King of the Iron Islands, and happy returns to Jon Snow, the Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch…and our hearts.