*Spoilers for S6E1*

The beginning of a season of Game of Thrones was predictably a tasting menu of an episode.  You get a nice nibble on something savory, then it’s on to the next thing.  Unless you’re Season 4, then you get a big fucking dessert at the end.  The episode was book ended by everyone’s favorite ominous stronghold, Castle Black.  The question on everyone’s mind was obvious:  was Jon Snow really dead?  And the answer is of course we still have no fucking idea.  Which was to be expected…not like they were gonna pop back to Castle Black and Jon Snow is just chilling eating an apple like “Damn, that was a doozy bit of exposition we just had there!”  But it has to happen soon to be believable, because the White Walkers still exist.  Jon Snow is probably just hours away from becoming the most attractive ice zombie this side of the Wall.  And if you’re a card carrying member of the Know Nothing Party, you better hope Melisandre pulls something out of her shockingly aged ass (more on that later).

In Essos, Daario and Jorah team up to become the latest duo of traveling companions in a show with a formidable history of traveling companions.  How will they stack up?  Well both suffer from being in the middle of nowhere and not being Tyrion, but they’ll probably be all right.  Especially with Jorah’s hawk eyes finding things like Dany’s tiny ring in huge ass field.  In the show’s defense, they hand wave it by showing that the horde circled her a bunch, leaving Jorah to only have to look in a relatively small patch, but it’s still impressive given that he had no idea anything was there and nobody cuts that grass to make it short.  Too bad his awareness doesn’t translate to realizing Dany wants none of his junk.

Speaking of Dany, she found herself in the comedy club that is the Dothraki Horde.  Khal Drogo was such a wet blanket I never knew these guys could be entertaining!  I should’ve known from their weddings.  Also, super convenient that the guys known for basically only raping and pillaging have a super serious rule that khal’s widows are hands off.  The Dothraki somehow have the best bro code of the entire show!  They should teach Daario a thing or two.  Any way you slice it, Dany’s in a bit of a pickle, but she’s way better off than anticipated.  Which is good, cause I don’t want to (and shouldn’t have to) talk about that on this show anymore.

Meanwhile, in Dorne…

Ellaria:  That was a great season for us, we stood up for ourselves and caused the war we wanted all along.

Tyene:  Yeah, I bet we’re everyone’s new fav-

Obara: Everyone hates us.

Ellaria:  What?  But we murder people!

Obara:  Doesn’t matter.

Tyene:  I showed my tits!

Obara:  That they liked, but you almost killed, like, the funniest character on the show.

Ellaria:  This is Doran’s fault.

Nymeria:  Yeah that milquetoast motherfucker has got to go.

Obara:  Or maybe it’s because we’re all acting rash with unrealistic expectations.  Not to mention book readers hate us because we’re not adapting the book’s beloved storyline, and show watchers hate us because we’re a distraction from the main plotlines.  We should just lay low and strike when the opportunity presents itself.

…

Ellaria:  I’m killing Doran.

Tyene: And I’m killing the huge dude with the poleaxe.

Obara: That’s Areo-

Tyene:  OH MY GOD NO ONE CARES!

Obara:  Fine, at least let me kill Trystane.

The Sand Snakes began a revolution in this episode, which could be good news or bad news.  I liked Doran as a character, so it’s kinda sad, but the potential of an all out vengeful Dorne is pretty sweet.  I just hope they go radio dark until the perfect moment.  Like we don’t see or hear from them until they like stab Tommen or poison Mace Tyrell, or have another shitty fight scene with Zombie Mountain.  Also, props to Tystane for just the worst ring awareness of all time.  Enjoy being the shitty onion on the shish kabob.

Onto the North.  Man, what kinda Island of Misfit toys have we got here?  Like how the fuck are these four together?  They’re basically the four saddest living characters starting an emo cover band.  Let’s look back at what they were doing the first time all of them were in the same episode, Valar Morghulis, the Season 2 finale.  Sansa was still captive at King’s Landing, relieved to find out Joffrey would marry Margaery.  Brienne was still escorting a two-handed asshole Jaime Lannister across the continent.  Podrick barely even had lines yet!  Sure he killed the dude trying to kill Tyrion, but most likely if you hadn’t read the books you were like, “who’s this guy?”  And Reek was still proud penis-owner Theon Greyjoy, getting knocked out by his own people at Winterfell calling for the head of some asshole with a horn.  But where are they headed?  Seems like they have two choices, Castle Black (gulp) or go back to the Eyrie to Littlefinger.  You know, the guy that tried to have Brienne and Podrick killed.  Not looking good for BRPS, is it?

Some quick hits before the wrap up:

1. Man, Arya has got the worst Mr. Miagi of all time.  90% chance she’s in Cobra Kai.
2. Say what you want about Ramsay, he cares about his girlfriend and he’s a dog lover.  I don’t get why no one likes him.
3. Thanks Cersei for putting the thought of my loved ones’ decaying faces in my head.  I’ll remember that at every applicable time in my life.  I’m super getting cremated.
4. Margaery Tyrell is seriously in the worst spot.  She’s either getting a shame walk or getting freed by Cersei which probably means she’s getting a shame walk.  I don’t have another 15 minutes to spare on that, even if it is Natalie Dormer.
5. Going back to BRPS (I’m pronouncing them “burps” in my head, and I hope you do too), can you imagine if they just brazenly go to Essos to find Arya, having no proof she’s there?  That would take Varys levels of foresight.  Hey, at least they also have a dude with no dick.
6. Man, do I not give a shit what happens to Meereen.  I really hope Varys and Tyrion aren’t gonna stay- OH GODDAMMIT!

And now, back to the titular Red Woman.  Speaking of titular, I’m going out on a limb and saying Carice Van Houten has it in her contract that she needs to get naked once a season.  But granted, when she does, plot fucking happens.  She’s either having a demon baby or revealing she’s like 400 years old.  I thought the ending was a little underwhelming.  The reveal is cool but not earth-shattering, and it’s hard to be floored by that when everyone and their direwolf is expecting her to resurrect the dude from Pompei.  Sure she doubts the Red God.  You know what?  I’m starting to have doubts too.  Doubting that my investment in Jon Snow for five goddamn years (okay, I called him a whiny bitch for three, but two solid years!) is going to pay off in the form of icy fire justice for all his foes.  Kill Ned, fine.  Kill Robb, good he was boring anyway.  Kill Jon Snow, and all I’m cheering for a blind girl to come to Westeros and annihilate all her foes ninja style.  …Actually that sounds dope, do what you want!

Look forward next week to the thrills of Jaime’s vengeance, the deviousness of Ramsay’s plotting, and the indifference of whatever Bran has been up to.