This Sunday felt especially empty.  Turning on HBO and seeing the morose trudging that is True Detective doesn’t scratch the same itch.  Sure, it’s gritty and engaging, but who are all these characters?  Why do I care?  When they inevitably die, I won’t have 5 seasons of bonding that will make the death hurt that much more.  That’s what I miss from Game of Thrones being off air for 10 months.  So, to celebrate another great season (I mean, it was at least good) I’m going to hand out some end of season awards.  Completely subjective.  Actually, you’ll probably disagree with me on a lot of them.  How much do I care?  Let’s ask Sansa:

Thanks Sansa.  Let’s start slow and build to the juicy awards.

Worst New Character: The Waif

Look.  I hate two-thirds of the Sand Snakes just like everyone else…but The Waif (Arya’s corpse washing buddy) just represented everything I hated about Arya’s arch this season.  She’s being held back and the training is just torturous…to her and the viewer.  At least the Sand Snakes were always threatening to be interesting, even if inevitably they weren’t.

Silver Medal: Septa Unella (SHAME), Bronze Medal: Nymeria Sand (She loses to Obara since Obara at least killed a dude with a spear…even though he was buried up to his neck in scorpion sand.)

Best New Character: Doran Martell

You know what?  Dorne would’ve been way better this season if they let this guy out once and a while.  Dude was spitting daggers every time he was on screen.  His batting average was staggering.  Yet, he barely showed up…but he still gets the gold for me.  Karsi probably would’ve gotten it just for her a capella skills alone, but she got murdered in her first episode by some undead children even though they were nice enough to be the only zombies to ever not immediately attack when they saw someone.

Silver: Wun Wun the Giant; Bronze: Tyene Sand’s…um…personality

Best Line not by Tyrion: “For the Watch.”

It’s simple, but it’s effective.  And it will be by far the most enduring line going into the next season.  It also signifies things coming full circle.  Jon Snow joined the Watch to prove himself…and now he finds himself on death’s doorstep because he “betrayed” his brothers.

Silver: “We both peddle fantasies, Brother Lancel.  Mine just happen to be entertaining.” – Petyr Baelish

Bronze: “Shut your mouth” – Daario Naharis

Worst Line of the Season: “You know nothing, Jon Snow.”

This line is already corny, but then they rolled it back for Melisandre.  Sure, it shows she’s…vaguely aware of…some shit.  I don’t know.  What I do know is my nose nearly broke due to the facepalm I felt obligated to apply to myself after this quip.

Silver: “Shame.  Shame.  Shame.” – Septa Unella, around the 16th time she said it.

Bronze: “I put an arrow through his heart.” – Jon Snow, forgetting the art of context.

Best Line by Tyrion: “She ought to offer her cunt.  Best part of her for the best part of me.”

Daggers.

Silver: “Guess again.” – in regards to his “Dwarf-sized cock”

Bronze: “I need to speak to someone with hair!”

Bonus: This.

Best Episode: “Hardhome”

In my opinion, 8 is the new 9.  For most, episode 9 of the first three seasons was the best episode.  Last year, you could probably make an argument for any of the last three, but “The Mountain and the Viper” was just top to bottom fantastic.  And this year Hardhome knocked us loopy with a second half showdown that not even book readers could see coming.  It was the sort of episode that is exactly why everyone watches this show.  And they didn’t even go to Dorne!  It was perfect!

Silver: “The Dance of Dragons” Bronze: “The House of Black and White”

Tyrion and Bronn Award for Best Pairing: Tyrion and Varys

Probably one of my favorite pairings early in earlier seasons, though they never shared much screen time.  This is also probably what I’m looking forward to most next season.  You know…that and WHY WOULD YOU KILL HIM IF WE STILL DON’T KNOW WHO HIS MOM IS?  JESUS FUCKING C-

Silver: Jaime and Bronn; Bronze: Tyrion and Jorah

Happiest Moment: Stannis and Shireen share a moment

It’s unfortunate that this would all be undercut by what happened later in the season, but the moment Stannis described to Shireen how committed he was to her and then her embracing him, it gave me all the feels this show never does.  I should’ve known better.

Silver: Varys returning to Tyrion; Bronze: Gilly and Sam

Saddest Moment: Shireen gets the witch treatment

I mean, her screams at least gave Ramsay Bolton a new ringtone…

Silver: Arya giving up Needle; Bronze: Somehow…Cersei’s walk of shame…shame…shame.

Fuck Yeah Moment: Arya Kills Meryn Trant

Silver: Dany rides a fucking dragon; Bronze: Tyene seduces Bronn

Fuck No Moment: “For the Watch”

I mean, until Jon Snow comes back next season.  That’s totally happening right?  RIGHT?  YOU WOULDN’T TALK ABOUT LYANNA STARK FOR NO REASON!  FOR FUCK’S SAKE, JUST-

Silver: Sons of the Harpy emerge in the crowd; Bronze: When Bronn almost dies

Biggest Riser: High Sparrow

The High Sparrow wasn’t exactly enigmatic.  He wasn’t flashy and he didn’t have a ton of quotable lines.  But he reinvigorated the show in amazing ways.  He shook up King’s Landing, he gave us another gray area villain that contemporary dramas have been serving up lately.  And he made us kinda feel bad about Cersei, which is quite an accomplishment.  I’m looking forward to seeing his rise and inevitable fall over the next season.

Silver: Olly; Bronze: Daario Naharis

Biggest Regresser: Jaime Lannister

Remember when Jaime Lannister used to run shit?  Like tossing children out of windows, slicing everyone in earshot with his tong#ue, and beating the shit out of basically everyone who bothered to challenge him?  I miss that Jaime.  This Jaime pouts on his horse and watches his daughter/niece die in his arms.  Who likes this Jaime?

Silver: Stannis Baratheon; Bronze: The Unsullied…they’re basically Storm Troopers now.

Best Character: Jon Snow

Listen, I know he got stabbed a bunch, but there was no doubt who ran this season.  Dude ran a clinic on badass this year.  And what does he get for it?  A fucking knife to the chest.  Again and again.  Fuck the Watch.  I said it.

Silver: Tyrion Lannister; Bronze: Samwell Tarly

And now, for my personal Top 10…all subjective, no reasoning around a lot of them.  I’ll give explanations for all…a lot of them I really should explain myself.

Personal Top 10:

10) Podrick Payne – It’s nice to know what I’d be like in this universe.  Most of his look and characteristics describe me.  And to answer your follow up questions, yes, ALL his characteristics.  Ladies.

9) Jaime Lannister – #NotMyJaime

8) Margaery Tyrell – Every moment this goddess is in jail, Tommen is fucking up.

7) Varys – “I did miss you.”

6) Bronn – I hope they find something for him to do next season…cause it’d be a huge waste if they don’t.  Probably the funniest character on the show.

5) Ramsay Bolton – Today is not the day I explain myself on this.  The short answer is I like enigmatic villains.  I await the day I can celebrate his downfall with the rest of you.

4) Arya Stark – Hopefully blind Arya is just as cool as regular Arya.  And hopefully she gets writing like pre-season 5 Arya.

3) Jon Snow? – WHY NOT JUST KILL EVERYONE AND START THE SHOW OVER AGAIN WITH FUCKING MUPPETS! YOU FUCKING FUCKS!

2) Petyr “Littlefinger” Baelish – The Don was mysteriously absent for a lot of this season.  Hoping for a strong return for Bae, he has way too much potential.

1) Tyrion Lannister – Tyrion has never wavered from being my favorite character.  I hate having a favorite character that a lot of people share.  I’d imagine that if you took all the people that favored Tyrion, Jon, and Dany on one side, there’d be a sparse amount of viewers on the other.  But Tyrion spits the best game and is ever the underdog, a formidable combination for anyone to ever overcome in my eyes.  He even makes me look forward to finding out what the fuck is going to happen to Meereen.

That about wraps up this year.  To most of my audience, I’ll be back probably during the off season at some point to break down casting.  For the rest of you, I’m planning on some interesting projects during the “off season.”  Stay tuned.  And one last time…For the Watch.