(Spoilers for every episode of Game of Thrones, including this one.  Seriously, turn back right now if you haven’t watched this episode.  I’m starting out with a huge spoiler.  For real, going to do it.  Honestly, I’m just doing this so the preview on Facebook doesn’t show the quote I’m starting with.  Okay, we safe to continue?  Good.)

“Now, here’s the underlying thing about Game of Thrones that we’ve learned through 4 1/2 seasons:  not everyone is truly as vulnerable as the show would want you to believe.  Some people are currently untouchable….If Dany dies, you feel like a huge section of the plot was absolutely pointless…that’s not shocking, that’s frustrating.  That’s infuriating…But that list of untouchables is shockingly short.  Dany and Jon Snow are probably the only two completely untouchable characters.” –Shut Up Bender “Sons of the Harpy” recap

Well.

First I should cop to being wrong…I was wrong to underestimate George R.R. Martin’s abilities to dismay his fans.  But, at what cost?  Honestly, I’m not even talking about losing Jon Snow, who was given the Julius Caesar treatment last night from the Night’s Watch.  I’m talking about the cost of shocking story telling in these works of fiction.  There are pretty much two things that can happen from here:

1) Melisandre gives Jon the Beric Dondarrion treatment and brings Jon back to life.

2) Jon Snow is dead, and either stays dead or comes back as a wight.

Here’s the problem with both theories.  If Jon is resurrected, it cheapens the moment of his death.  That sets a dangerous precedent where people can come back willy-nilly like comic book characters.  Obviously, Jon would probably be changed.  Beric lost part of his memory and was visibly scarred, and one would expect Jon to be the same.  Still though, this option is not very appealing to me.  There are already far too many zombies in this show, I don’t need more.  Also, there’s literally no way HBO can keep it quiet for an entire off season.  Do you think “Hot young stud Kit Harrington conspicuously does nothing for 9 months” is gonna play?  So, more than likely, anyone with a social media account will stumble on someone sharing an Entertainment Weekly article stating he’s filming in Iceland.  Then where’s the shock?  I get that it works for a book, but it doesn’t for a TV show…so why not kill Jon in Episode 9 (keeping up with tradition), and tease his resurrection in the finale?  I get that it would potentially spoil the books, but the readers are already butt hurt over everything else that’s changed, what’s one more thing?

The other option is just that Jon Snow is dead.  As my above quote explains, this is a particularly egregious thing to do to a reader/viewer.  This year was the first I finally turned around on Jon Snow.  He went from being mopey and boring to a genuine badass whose scenes I eagerly awaited each episode.  I was actually going to give him my coveted Oberyn Martell slot in my top 5 characters list that had remained up for grabs this entire season.  And truth be told, he probably moved up to 3 or 4 for me.  There was still loads of story to mine there: the inevitable Wildling crimes Jon would have to pay for, his fight against the White Walkers, and WHO IS HIS GD EFFING MOTHER?!  People who watch Game of Thrones without developing theories or speculating on the end game may see this and just be upset a beloved character died.  In the eyes of the speculators, this is a damning blow to many exciting theories.  All you can do is trust in George R.R. Martin (or at this point, David Benioff and D.B. Weiss) that this is all part of the plan and it’ll all work out from a narrative standpoint.

However, there’s a giant turd in the punch bowl now.  Whom do we cheer for?  Whom do we invest?  Should we even bother?  What’s to stop him from killing Dany now (who is finally out of Meereen, but is pretty much right back to where she started)?  Jon dying certainly deflates my interest in the end game in a way I didn’t think possible.  As Tyrion said last week, ““There’s always been more than enough death in the world for my taste. I can do without it in my leisure time.”  I come to Game of Thrones for an escape, and while shocking deaths and despair are part of the show, axing characters left and right doesn’t keep me interested in where the plot is going.  Why would I continue to watch this show if all it will do is build up my hopes only to have them dashed?  Shows I love like The Wire, Breaking Bad, and Lost killed major characters off all the time, but always with reason.  Sure, Game of Thrones wants to be real and not fantasy.  Jon Snow dies because in that situation, that’s what would happen.  But it also kills part of my interest in the show as a whole, and that’s not a good thing.

This finale also managed to leave almost every plot line up in the air.  Looking back on past seasons, this rarely happens.  Usually, each one is either wrapped up or turns to a different direction.  No one’s life usually is hanging in the balance.  As it stands now, we don’t know what condition Sansa and Theon are in (it’s entirely possible one or both of them are dead), nor do we know for certain if Stannis, Myrcella, or Jon are dead.  I’d put it at more likely than not Stannis and Myrcella are dead, but if you don’t see a body, you never know.  Not to mention, it’s rather ambiguous what’s going on with Arya and we’re not sure how pumped these particular Dothraki are to see Dany.  So let’s break all of this down, shall we?

Stannis had a pretty bad day huh? First, he loses half his army (eh, not so bad, you still have the other half).  Then his wife (she was a weirdo anyway, good riddance).  Then his advisor/mistress (she’s just a bandwagon fan, we got this!).  Then the other half of his army (wait…).  Then, he manages to find the only person in that forest that wouldn’t flay him alive.  Unfortunately, it was the long lost unrequited lover of his kinslayed brother, Renly.  You know what?  I’m throwing that in the W column for Stannis.  Killed with skin still intact.  Good for you buddy!

Also during the battle, just before we found out how awkwardly it is to fulfill a non-lethal threat against someone with a bow at point blank range…Reek became Theon again and eliminated Myranda in the Winterfell Royal Rumble.  Theon, is that any way to treat the last girl you had sex with?  I know it’s been a while for you, but jeez.  You know, now that I think about it, this was a bad day for Ramsay.  Lost his wife, his mistress, and didn’t even get to flay anyone after the battle.  No one wins in this show.

Speaking of not winning, Meryn Trant step right up.  Even if George R.R. Martin loves to torture his fans, he’s not gonna let a pedorapist run free.  I haven’t felt so fulfilled by a character’s death since the last season of Breaking Bad when [Redacted] killed [Redacted] (link obviously has spoilers for Breaking Bad).  The scene with Jaqen H’ghar needs a bit of explanation as to what the fuck is going on, but luckily there was enough other shit going on this episode that this became a footnote.

Good news:  Dany is finally out of Meereen!  Bad news:  Now she’s back where she started, in the Dothraki Sea.  No one really has any idea how this is going to play out.  Remember, not all Dothraki were loyal to Dany.  Someone killed Rakharo in this easily forgettable scene from Season 2.  These are probably among those Dothraki, but no one knows how they’ll react to Dany (or even know who she is).  Chances are, you don’t wanna be her.  But it’s better than her brooding in Meereen for another season.  Instead we get treated to Tyrion and Varys 2.0!  I’m actually pretty excited for this.  I’d watch an entire season of just them making jokes about each other while slowly turning Meereen around.  And the way everyone got dropped this year, that might be exactly what happens.

And now, a Dornish interlude:

Ellaria:  Myrcella, darling!  I’m going to miss you so much!  I could just kiss you!

Myrcella:  That’s a little weird…no family kisses on the lips in Westeros, even you wackos.

Jaime: That is weird, you’re not like pulling a Poison Ivy thing right?

Ellaria:  Hmm?

Jaime:  You know, from Batman & Robin?  Uma Thurman? Poisons her enemies by kissing them?

Ellaria:  Nah, that’s impossible.

Jaime:  I don’t know, what do you think Bronn?

Bronn:  What?  I wasn’t listening, I was too busy thinking about what position I’m going to start with when I film “A Knight in the Sand:  Tyene Me Crazy.”

Jaime: You need a better pun for that title.

Bronn:  You’re right, could you give me a hand with that?

Jaime: …

Myrcella:  Guys, I’m dying.

Back in King’s Landing, we got a half-assed apology from Cersei and a full-assed walk to the Red Keep.  Did anyone else see the distance to the Red Keep and think “Damn, that’s a long walk, wonder what happened to Arya with her eyes…oh, we’re gonna keep watching her walk?  Well that would take like 20 solid minutes…oh.”  Wouldn’t have been bad if Cersei didn’t have the world’s worst hype man behind her the entire time.  The only thing that was a shame was that no one pegged that nun with some of that garbage.  Though, I’m guessing now with Zombie Mountain, that septa is going to have a lot worse shit heading towards her.

I will have a wrap up post handing out some awards for the best characters and moments of the season.  Until then, don’t hire a little kid to be your servant and then let everyone who murdered his family free to farm the lands of his family.