(Spoilers for every episode of Game of Thrones.)

Episode 9.  If you’ve gotten this far into Game of Thrones, you know the pedigree.  Ned Stark.  Blackwater.  Red Wedding.  Castle Black.  “The Dance of Dragons” may not be the best episode 9 of the series, but it surely lived up to the name.  Delivering one of the best episodes of the season, there were a range of emotions running from sheer anger, overwhelming dread, and, if you’re me, raucous joy by the way I personally may or may not have audibly cheered in a room with only myself and my fat dog.  But, like this episode did, let’s power through the bad before we get to the good.

Let’s start in the North, where we were teased a showdown between Ramsay and Stannis and instead we got the least cool camping trip ever.  Ramsay’s genius plan boiled down to a bunch of dudes setting fires on tents and horses and killing basically no one.  Was it effective?  Sure.  But why even bother to tease it?  It wasn’t that stunning visually, other than that moment with the burning horse…and would you believe me if I told you that wouldn’t be the worst thing to watch burn alive this episode?  Wait, you would?  Anyway, I half expected for Stannis to wake up to find half his army flayed or some shit.  How did Roose accept this?  I believe it went a little something like this:

Roose: We’re gonna stay behind the wall and wait for them to starve.

Ramsay: Dad, don’t do that, we gotta go on the offensive!

Roose: We can’t lose our advantage.

Ramsay: But it’s guaranteed to work!

Roose: What is it?

Ramsay: I’m gonna take a buncha guys, and we’re gonna light some shit on fire, and then Stannis will get really miffed and probably do something rash that’ll make him completely unforgivable!

Roose: …that’s a goddamn foolproof plan and I’m so fucking happy you’re my son.

Ramsay: Thanks Dad!

Roose: Wanna go rape some skinless corpses?

Ramsay: Boy do I!

Speaking of missing the point of teases, Jon Snow had a tense moment where it seemed like he briefly was going to be left out in the cold.  Then immediately nothing happened.  Personally, I assumed this, and got ticked that the “next week on” section teased an uprising within.  Ser Alliser is definitely a d-bag, but keeping Jon from getting through the gate wouldn’t end well for him.  I mean, just look at Janos Slynt.  Seriously, look at him:

Remember that shit?  I bet Ser Alliser does.  Jon Snow ain’t no bitch anymore.  He’s taking heads and not giving a shit about their names.

Now to Dorne, where we- hey, stop booing!  C’mon, they tried they’re best!  Settle down!  Remember Tyene?  She’s still there!  Better?  Okay, good.  Seriously, where has Doran been this whole season?  He’s like Oberyn, without all the sex and the violence, which surprisingly is still really good!  This scene was infuriating only because it shows the potential that could’ve actually happened in this story line.  Even the Sands Snakes scene was good.  I have no idea where this will go next year.  Seemingly, the Sand Snakes will do something, since it would make no sense to introduce them if they’re literally going to do nothing else.  Here’s hoping they don’t waste our time and stop threatening Bronn’s life, even if it was in the best way possible.

Also, it’s easy to forget that theoretically no one knows (or is supposed to know) that Myrcella is Jaime’s daughter.  The scene where Ellaria casually mentions it wouldn’t be a big deal if he was a Targaryen is telling.  Jaime doesn’t admit it, but he doesn’t outright deny it like he and Cersei have to in King’s Landing.  For better or (probably) worse, the Lannisters and Martells are family now.  If I were Cersei, I would be pumped!  Dorne and the Reach are in the family!  That’s prime wine country!  Oh wait, that’s right, she’s sucking water off the floor.  My b.

Okay, theoretically, if oysters are the Viagra of this universe, maybe it’s not a good idea to give them to a teenage girl.  Especially when the other two things you’re peddling are called “clams” and “cockles”.  Seriously, any Braavosi douchebag can come up with that joke.  Anyway, Arya ignored an old man going after her clams to find Meryn Fucking Trant going after an even younger girl’s clam.  There’s really no redeeming a pedophile in a fictional universe.  Viewers will tolerate betrayal, murder, and even flaying more than pedophilia.  Meryn Trant has got to go, and I give him a slim to none chance of surviving the season.  If I had to guess, I’d say we’re losing probably 2 or 3 starring/recurring characters next week, and I’d put most of my money on Trant making his donation to the Many Faced God.

Okay, hold on, let me prepare myself to talk about Shireen:

Wait…

Okay, maybe I’m beginning to be able to talk about this.  I mean, I’m all for surprising, and it got teased to death, what with Stannis delivering a Father of the Year caliber speech and Melisandre hinting they have no other option, but it kinda felt like Ned Stark all over again.  Like, they aren’t REALLY gonna kill that little girl…right?  Right?  Wrong.  This is Game of Thrones, not Dragon Tales.  That girl is dust.  But hey, silver linings:  at least Davos doesn’t need to make that doe carving anymore!  This also makes the battle for Winterfell woefully uninteresting.  Remember when I joked about Littlefinger being Sansa’s best case scenerio?  To think now that everyone else is probably hoping for Littlefinger to clean up the scraps of that battle is crazy.  But that’s the world they live in.

Before we get to the climax of the episode, can we take a second to talk about the knight stabbing the dude about to kill Jorah in the back?  Seriously guy, you suck at being polite and at being a cheater.  Either let the dude kill Jorah and then fight him man to man, or let him kill Jorah and stab him the second after.  If you waited literally one second, you would’ve won.  Game over.  Then the Sons of the Harpy would’ve killed Dany, Daario, and Tyrion, and we never would’ve had to worry about Essos again.

The fight itself had some great dialogue.  Daario is really becoming one of my favorite characters (“Your Grace…” “Shut your mouth.”) and Tyrion just gets gold line after gold line (“It’s easy to confuse ‘what is’ with ‘what ought to be’ especially when ‘what is’ has worked out in your favor.”).  And the comedy of the stronger competitor beheading the quick competitor was one of the funniest moments of the season (and if that sentence doesn’t tell you what kinda show this is, I don’t know what will).  But when the Sons of the Harpy attack, it is legitimately terrifying.  This scene is chalked full of characters you care about in imminent danger.  Luckily, with all due respect to Hizdahr Zo Loraq (Dany’s second dead husband), no one that mattered had to die because Drogon made the most dramatic entrance since Ramsay in Season 4.  He saves everybody in the arena and then let’s Dany ride him off into the sunset.  Though, are they really safe?  I mean, shouldn’t Dany make sure they get out alive?  What if Daario and Jorah are still awkward around each other?  And who’s gonna clean up all the dead bodies scattered around?  Are we just suppose to stop caring because she- wait.  Dany’s finally riding a fucking dragon?

That’s all folks, and remember, don’t make the bang buddy of a sadistic bastard jealous by looking prettier than her.