This Sunday felt especially empty.  Turning on HBO and seeing the morose trudging that is True Detective doesn’t scratch the same itch.  Sure, it’s gritty and engaging, but who are all these characters?  Why do I care?  When they inevitably die, I won’t have 5 seasons of bonding that will make the death hurt that much more.  That’s what I miss from Game of Thrones being off air for 10 months.  So, to celebrate another great season (I mean, it was at least good) I’m going to hand out some end of season awards.  Completely subjective.  Actually, you’ll probably disagree with me on a lot of them.  How much do I care?  Let’s ask Sansa:

Thanks Sansa.  Let’s start slow and build to the juicy awards.

Worst New Character: The Waif

Look.  I hate two-thirds of the Sand Snakes just like everyone else…but The Waif (Arya’s corpse washing buddy) just represented everything I hated about Arya’s arch this season.  She’s being held back and the training is just torturous…to her and the viewer.  At least the Sand Snakes were always threatening to be interesting, even if inevitably they weren’t.

Silver Medal: Septa Unella (SHAME), Bronze Medal: Nymeria Sand (She loses to Obara since Obara at least killed a dude with a spear…even though he was buried up to his neck in scorpion sand.)

Best New Character: Doran Martell

You know what?  Dorne would’ve been way better this season if they let this guy out once and a while.  Dude was spitting daggers every time he was on screen.  His batting average was staggering.  Yet, he barely showed up…but he still gets the gold for me.  Karsi probably would’ve gotten it just for her a capella skills alone, but she got murdered in her first episode by some undead children even though they were nice enough to be the only zombies to ever not immediately attack when they saw someone.

Silver: Wun Wun the Giant; Bronze: Tyene Sand’s…um…personality

Best Line not by Tyrion: “For the Watch.”

It’s simple, but it’s effective.  And it will be by far the most enduring line going into the next season.  It also signifies things coming full circle.  Jon Snow joined the Watch to prove himself…and now he finds himself on death’s doorstep because he “betrayed” his brothers.

Silver: “We both peddle fantasies, Brother Lancel.  Mine just happen to be entertaining.” – Petyr Baelish

Bronze: “Shut your mouth” – Daario Naharis

Worst Line of the Season: “You know nothing, Jon Snow.”

This line is already corny, but then they rolled it back for Melisandre.  Sure, it shows she’s…vaguely aware of…some shit.  I don’t know.  What I do know is my nose nearly broke due to the facepalm I felt obligated to apply to myself after this quip.

Silver: “Shame.  Shame.  Shame.” – Septa Unella, around the 16th time she said it.

Bronze: “I put an arrow through his heart.” – Jon Snow, forgetting the art of context.

Best Line by Tyrion: “She ought to offer her cunt.  Best part of her for the best part of me.”

Daggers.

Silver: “Guess again.” – in regards to his “Dwarf-sized cock”

Bronze: “I need to speak to someone with hair!”

Bonus: This.

Best Episode: “Hardhome”

In my opinion, 8 is the new 9.  For most, episode 9 of the first three seasons was the best episode.  Last year, you could probably make an argument for any of the last three, but “The Mountain and the Viper” was just top to bottom fantastic.  And this year Hardhome knocked us loopy with a second half showdown that not even book readers could see coming.  It was the sort of episode that is exactly why everyone watches this show.  And they didn’t even go to Dorne!  It was perfect!

Silver: “The Dance of Dragons” Bronze: “The House of Black and White”

Tyrion and Bronn Award for Best Pairing: Tyrion and Varys

Probably one of my favorite pairings early in earlier seasons, though they never shared much screen time.  This is also probably what I’m looking forward to most next season.  You know…that and WHY WOULD YOU KILL HIM IF WE STILL DON’T KNOW WHO HIS MOM IS?  JESUS FUCKING C-

Silver: Jaime and Bronn; Bronze: Tyrion and Jorah

Happiest Moment: Stannis and Shireen share a moment

It’s unfortunate that this would all be undercut by what happened later in the season, but the moment Stannis described to Shireen how committed he was to her and then her embracing him, it gave me all the feels this show never does.  I should’ve known better.

Silver: Varys returning to Tyrion; Bronze: Gilly and Sam

Saddest Moment: Shireen gets the witch treatment

I mean, her screams at least gave Ramsay Bolton a new ringtone…

Silver: Arya giving up Needle; Bronze: Somehow…Cersei’s walk of shame…shame…shame.

Fuck Yeah Moment: Arya Kills Meryn Trant

Silver: Dany rides a fucking dragon; Bronze: Tyene seduces Bronn

Fuck No Moment: “For the Watch”

I mean, until Jon Snow comes back next season.  That’s totally happening right?  RIGHT?  YOU WOULDN’T TALK ABOUT LYANNA STARK FOR NO REASON!  FOR FUCK’S SAKE, JUST-

Silver: Sons of the Harpy emerge in the crowd; Bronze: When Bronn almost dies

Biggest Riser: High Sparrow

The High Sparrow wasn’t exactly enigmatic.  He wasn’t flashy and he didn’t have a ton of quotable lines.  But he reinvigorated the show in amazing ways.  He shook up King’s Landing, he gave us another gray area villain that contemporary dramas have been serving up lately.  And he made us kinda feel bad about Cersei, which is quite an accomplishment.  I’m looking forward to seeing his rise and inevitable fall over the next season.

Silver: Olly; Bronze: Daario Naharis

Biggest Regresser: Jaime Lannister

Remember when Jaime Lannister used to run shit?  Like tossing children out of windows, slicing everyone in earshot with his tong#ue, and beating the shit out of basically everyone who bothered to challenge him?  I miss that Jaime.  This Jaime pouts on his horse and watches his daughter/niece die in his arms.  Who likes this Jaime?

Silver: Stannis Baratheon; Bronze: The Unsullied…they’re basically Storm Troopers now.

Best Character: Jon Snow

Listen, I know he got stabbed a bunch, but there was no doubt who ran this season.  Dude ran a clinic on badass this year.  And what does he get for it?  A fucking knife to the chest.  Again and again.  Fuck the Watch.  I said it.

Silver: Tyrion Lannister; Bronze: Samwell Tarly

And now, for my personal Top 10…all subjective, no reasoning around a lot of them.  I’ll give explanations for all…a lot of them I really should explain myself.

Personal Top 10:

10) Podrick Payne – It’s nice to know what I’d be like in this universe.  Most of his look and characteristics describe me.  And to answer your follow up questions, yes, ALL his characteristics.  Ladies.

9) Jaime Lannister – #NotMyJaime

8) Margaery Tyrell – Every moment this goddess is in jail, Tommen is fucking up.

7) Varys – “I did miss you.”

6) Bronn – I hope they find something for him to do next season…cause it’d be a huge waste if they don’t.  Probably the funniest character on the show.

5) Ramsay Bolton – Today is not the day I explain myself on this.  The short answer is I like enigmatic villains.  I await the day I can celebrate his downfall with the rest of you.

4) Arya Stark – Hopefully blind Arya is just as cool as regular Arya.  And hopefully she gets writing like pre-season 5 Arya.

3) Jon Snow? – WHY NOT JUST KILL EVERYONE AND START THE SHOW OVER AGAIN WITH FUCKING MUPPETS! YOU FUCKING FUCKS!

2) Petyr “Littlefinger” Baelish – The Don was mysteriously absent for a lot of this season.  Hoping for a strong return for Bae, he has way too much potential.

1) Tyrion Lannister – Tyrion has never wavered from being my favorite character.  I hate having a favorite character that a lot of people share.  I’d imagine that if you took all the people that favored Tyrion, Jon, and Dany on one side, there’d be a sparse amount of viewers on the other.  But Tyrion spits the best game and is ever the underdog, a formidable combination for anyone to ever overcome in my eyes.  He even makes me look forward to finding out what the fuck is going to happen to Meereen.

That about wraps up this year.  To most of my audience, I’ll be back probably during the off season at some point to break down casting.  For the rest of you, I’m planning on some interesting projects during the “off season.”  Stay tuned.  And one last time…For the Watch.

(Spoilers for every episode of Game of Thrones, including this one.  Seriously, turn back right now if you haven’t watched this episode.  I’m starting out with a huge spoiler.  For real, going to do it.  Honestly, I’m just doing this so the preview on Facebook doesn’t show the quote I’m starting with.  Okay, we safe to continue?  Good.)

“Now, here’s the underlying thing about Game of Thrones that we’ve learned through 4 1/2 seasons:  not everyone is truly as vulnerable as the show would want you to believe.  Some people are currently untouchable….If Dany dies, you feel like a huge section of the plot was absolutely pointless…that’s not shocking, that’s frustrating.  That’s infuriating…But that list of untouchables is shockingly short.  Dany and Jon Snow are probably the only two completely untouchable characters.” –Shut Up Bender “Sons of the Harpy” recap

Well.

First I should cop to being wrong…I was wrong to underestimate George R.R. Martin’s abilities to dismay his fans.  But, at what cost?  Honestly, I’m not even talking about losing Jon Snow, who was given the Julius Caesar treatment last night from the Night’s Watch.  I’m talking about the cost of shocking story telling in these works of fiction.  There are pretty much two things that can happen from here:

1) Melisandre gives Jon the Beric Dondarrion treatment and brings Jon back to life.

2) Jon Snow is dead, and either stays dead or comes back as a wight.

Here’s the problem with both theories.  If Jon is resurrected, it cheapens the moment of his death.  That sets a dangerous precedent where people can come back willy-nilly like comic book characters.  Obviously, Jon would probably be changed.  Beric lost part of his memory and was visibly scarred, and one would expect Jon to be the same.  Still though, this option is not very appealing to me.  There are already far too many zombies in this show, I don’t need more.  Also, there’s literally no way HBO can keep it quiet for an entire off season.  Do you think “Hot young stud Kit Harrington conspicuously does nothing for 9 months” is gonna play?  So, more than likely, anyone with a social media account will stumble on someone sharing an Entertainment Weekly article stating he’s filming in Iceland.  Then where’s the shock?  I get that it works for a book, but it doesn’t for a TV show…so why not kill Jon in Episode 9 (keeping up with tradition), and tease his resurrection in the finale?  I get that it would potentially spoil the books, but the readers are already butt hurt over everything else that’s changed, what’s one more thing?

The other option is just that Jon Snow is dead.  As my above quote explains, this is a particularly egregious thing to do to a reader/viewer.  This year was the first I finally turned around on Jon Snow.  He went from being mopey and boring to a genuine badass whose scenes I eagerly awaited each episode.  I was actually going to give him my coveted Oberyn Martell slot in my top 5 characters list that had remained up for grabs this entire season.  And truth be told, he probably moved up to 3 or 4 for me.  There was still loads of story to mine there: the inevitable Wildling crimes Jon would have to pay for, his fight against the White Walkers, and WHO IS HIS GD EFFING MOTHER?!  People who watch Game of Thrones without developing theories or speculating on the end game may see this and just be upset a beloved character died.  In the eyes of the speculators, this is a damning blow to many exciting theories.  All you can do is trust in George R.R. Martin (or at this point, David Benioff and D.B. Weiss) that this is all part of the plan and it’ll all work out from a narrative standpoint.

However, there’s a giant turd in the punch bowl now.  Whom do we cheer for?  Whom do we invest?  Should we even bother?  What’s to stop him from killing Dany now (who is finally out of Meereen, but is pretty much right back to where she started)?  Jon dying certainly deflates my interest in the end game in a way I didn’t think possible.  As Tyrion said last week, ““There’s always been more than enough death in the world for my taste. I can do without it in my leisure time.”  I come to Game of Thrones for an escape, and while shocking deaths and despair are part of the show, axing characters left and right doesn’t keep me interested in where the plot is going.  Why would I continue to watch this show if all it will do is build up my hopes only to have them dashed?  Shows I love like The Wire, Breaking Bad, and Lost killed major characters off all the time, but always with reason.  Sure, Game of Thrones wants to be real and not fantasy.  Jon Snow dies because in that situation, that’s what would happen.  But it also kills part of my interest in the show as a whole, and that’s not a good thing.

This finale also managed to leave almost every plot line up in the air.  Looking back on past seasons, this rarely happens.  Usually, each one is either wrapped up or turns to a different direction.  No one’s life usually is hanging in the balance.  As it stands now, we don’t know what condition Sansa and Theon are in (it’s entirely possible one or both of them are dead), nor do we know for certain if Stannis, Myrcella, or Jon are dead.  I’d put it at more likely than not Stannis and Myrcella are dead, but if you don’t see a body, you never know.  Not to mention, it’s rather ambiguous what’s going on with Arya and we’re not sure how pumped these particular Dothraki are to see Dany.  So let’s break all of this down, shall we?

Stannis had a pretty bad day huh? First, he loses half his army (eh, not so bad, you still have the other half).  Then his wife (she was a weirdo anyway, good riddance).  Then his advisor/mistress (she’s just a bandwagon fan, we got this!).  Then the other half of his army (wait…).  Then, he manages to find the only person in that forest that wouldn’t flay him alive.  Unfortunately, it was the long lost unrequited lover of his kinslayed brother, Renly.  You know what?  I’m throwing that in the W column for Stannis.  Killed with skin still intact.  Good for you buddy!

Also during the battle, just before we found out how awkwardly it is to fulfill a non-lethal threat against someone with a bow at point blank range…Reek became Theon again and eliminated Myranda in the Winterfell Royal Rumble.  Theon, is that any way to treat the last girl you had sex with?  I know it’s been a while for you, but jeez.  You know, now that I think about it, this was a bad day for Ramsay.  Lost his wife, his mistress, and didn’t even get to flay anyone after the battle.  No one wins in this show.

Speaking of not winning, Meryn Trant step right up.  Even if George R.R. Martin loves to torture his fans, he’s not gonna let a pedorapist run free.  I haven’t felt so fulfilled by a character’s death since the last season of Breaking Bad when [Redacted] killed [Redacted] (link obviously has spoilers for Breaking Bad).  The scene with Jaqen H’ghar needs a bit of explanation as to what the fuck is going on, but luckily there was enough other shit going on this episode that this became a footnote.

Good news:  Dany is finally out of Meereen!  Bad news:  Now she’s back where she started, in the Dothraki Sea.  No one really has any idea how this is going to play out.  Remember, not all Dothraki were loyal to Dany.  Someone killed Rakharo in this easily forgettable scene from Season 2.  These are probably among those Dothraki, but no one knows how they’ll react to Dany (or even know who she is).  Chances are, you don’t wanna be her.  But it’s better than her brooding in Meereen for another season.  Instead we get treated to Tyrion and Varys 2.0!  I’m actually pretty excited for this.  I’d watch an entire season of just them making jokes about each other while slowly turning Meereen around.  And the way everyone got dropped this year, that might be exactly what happens.

And now, a Dornish interlude:

Ellaria:  Myrcella, darling!  I’m going to miss you so much!  I could just kiss you!

Myrcella:  That’s a little weird…no family kisses on the lips in Westeros, even you wackos.

Jaime: That is weird, you’re not like pulling a Poison Ivy thing right?

Ellaria:  Hmm?

Jaime:  You know, from Batman & Robin?  Uma Thurman? Poisons her enemies by kissing them?

Ellaria:  Nah, that’s impossible.

Jaime:  I don’t know, what do you think Bronn?

Bronn:  What?  I wasn’t listening, I was too busy thinking about what position I’m going to start with when I film “A Knight in the Sand:  Tyene Me Crazy.”

Jaime: You need a better pun for that title.

Bronn:  You’re right, could you give me a hand with that?

Jaime: …

Myrcella:  Guys, I’m dying.

Back in King’s Landing, we got a half-assed apology from Cersei and a full-assed walk to the Red Keep.  Did anyone else see the distance to the Red Keep and think “Damn, that’s a long walk, wonder what happened to Arya with her eyes…oh, we’re gonna keep watching her walk?  Well that would take like 20 solid minutes…oh.”  Wouldn’t have been bad if Cersei didn’t have the world’s worst hype man behind her the entire time.  The only thing that was a shame was that no one pegged that nun with some of that garbage.  Though, I’m guessing now with Zombie Mountain, that septa is going to have a lot worse shit heading towards her.

I will have a wrap up post handing out some awards for the best characters and moments of the season.  Until then, don’t hire a little kid to be your servant and then let everyone who murdered his family free to farm the lands of his family.