(Spoiler Warning for all Game of Thrones TV material up to and including this episode.)

If each Game of Thrones episode was a drag race, the sixth episode of each season tends to be the one where the writers hit the nitrous button.  The race itself is always exciting, but this is the moment that tends to make or break a season.  In the past seasons, episode 6 has given us Ned Stark discovering that Robert is NOT the father, two demands for a trial by combat, Jon Snow first meeting Ygritte, and Dany getting really upset about something:

This episode certainly had its nitrous moments.  The race isn’t over yet, but some plot lines are speeding towards a conclusion.  But while it was barreling forward, it also hit some bumps in the road that could be leading to a catastrophe.  So now, in pure contradiction to this paragraph, let’s start with the most boring part of the episode.

In an episode where many people are kidnapped or arrested, the one I want freed is there on their own free will.  A lot of people (I was among them) were jacked up for the return of Jaqen H’ghar and the promise of Arya becoming a Faceless Man.  Instead we’ve been treated to Arya being bitched out by the two people who can be spared lines and giving lots of dead body sponge baths.  I mean, I get it.  Should’ve seen the Karate Kid treatment coming, waxing on and off bodies as Jaqen Miyagi tells her she’s not ready.  I guess I just expected a little more intrigue, maybe more recruits to form rivalries with Arya or something.  Instead, we’re subjected to Arya washing a dead body, getting repeatedly physically assaulted by a grown man, tricking a small girl into killing herself, and touching the face of a decapitated head in a room full of thousands of decapitated heads.  And would you believe me that none of those scenes were even near the most fucked up thing that happened this episode?  Moving on…

After contracting Greyscale and finding out his father is dead, you would think things couldn’t get much worse for Jorah.  Greyscale is pretty much a death sentence and his father, Jeor, only joined the Night’s Watch because of the shame Jorah brought to his family, which was ironically, through slave trading.  But now, since they were captured by Mr. Eko, it seems like Jorah is just on a downward spiral.  As always, Tyrion steals the scene, this time saving himself not by offering his family fortune (like last time), but by having a huge dick.  Maybe his head wasn’t the best part of him after all…

And now, a brief interlude to character purgatory:

Bran Stark: Varys, welcome to purgatory!

Varys: Where the hell am I?  Last thing I remember I was sitting in a brothel trying to figure out why they were so appealing, and then I ended up here.

Bran: Yeah, this is where characters with no story go to chill out for a while.  Jorah really wanted out, so he kidnapped your boy Tyrion, and here you are.

Varys: Well that sucks, but I guess it’s better than being dead.

Balon Greyjoy: You can say that again!

Varys: Who else is here?

Bran: Well, Osha and Rickon have been here the longest.  Hot Pie spends most of his time here.  Meera is moping in the corner.  Lancel Lannister had been here for years until just recently.  Also, Thoros of Myr-

Hodor: HODOR!

Bran: Yeah, and Hodor is here.

Hodor (smugly): Hodor!

Bran: That never gets old.

Varys: Anyone else?

Bran: People have said they’ve seen the Hound limping around, but I’ll believe it when I see it.  Also, like every living Tully and Frey.

Varys (painfully): Ah, SHIT!  That dog fucking bit me!

Bran:  Oh yeah, that’s Nymeria, she’s been here like the whole time, that’s all she’s good for.

Varys: Anything else I should know about?

Bran: Well there’s this one guy, that no one likes, because he constantly  keeps-

Gendry:

Speaking of character purgatory, Olenna “Queen of Thorns” Tyrell finally returned this week, meaning that the sunny King’s Landing was about to get some shade. But while Lady Olenna would destroy Cersei in an episode of Wild ‘n Out, all she could do was watch while the Faith Militant put both her grandchildren behind bars.  I have a few quick tangents to go on, so bare with me:

1) If Olyvar (the guy who’s sole job seems to be to inform people that the brothel is owned by Petyr Baelish and then immediately get assaulted) was Loras’ squire, couldn’t he plausibly have dressed him?  I mean, Lancel did it for Robert in Season 1!  Maybe that’s how he saw the Dorne-shaped birthmark on his thigh?  I understand it’s hard to think under pressure like that, but surely if you just keep denying it, that can’t be enough proof to settle a he-said/she-said argument?  Then again, the Faith Militant don’t exactly seem like the type that care about due process.

2)  Margaery: Tommen!  They arrested Loras, do something!

Tommen: Uh…

Margaery: Now they’re arresting me!

Tommen: Uh…

Margaery: And they’re killing everyone in the streets!

Tommen: Uh…

Margaery: And the whole city is on fire!

Tommen: Uh…

Margaery: And I forgot to feed Ser Pounce!

Tommen: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

3) Cersei is a well constructed villain that is very fun to root against, but even I’m bothered by how obvious this plot line is going.  Sure, Cersei is clearly trying to be her father, someone she is too arrogant and not clever enough to be.  And sure, pretending to not know what the Sparrows are up to might fly with your spineless teen-aged son, but you can’t expect the Tyrells to take this lying down?  Olenna may be known for her barbs, but she’s also rich and has an army.  Remember Sam’s dad who Stannis mentioned a couple episodes ago?  He fights for the Tyrells.  Cersei may think she’s won, but she’ll be sorely mistaken when she gets abandoned by the Tyrells and the Faith Militant shockingly start playing by their own rules in the next few weeks.

Okay, so I saved the worst two parts for last.  Now, I have not read the books, and will not spoil anything for the TV show that hasn’t been stated in the show.  But book people kept telling me how great the Sand Snakes were and they mostly seem PO’d over the way they’ve been portrayed.  I don’t blame them, since right now they look like scrubs.  They just got handled by 2 dudes with 3 hands.  Sure, Bronn got nicked by one of them.  Does that mean he’ll die?  No, of course- wait what?  They poison their blades?  Oh for fucks sake…

Listen.  If Bronn dies because of them, that does not make them scary or threatening.  It makes them seem lucky.  Right now they seem like some mooks that just bother the real heroes, like Team Rocket, Draco Malfoy, or those weird garbage dogs from CatDog.  But they’re not interesting.  They’re not badass, they’re not funny, and they’re not sexy.  Basically, they’re not Oberyn.

In Winterfell, some fucking bullshit happened.  The writers of Game of Thrones are usually on point.  But after this scene (and this interview), things are not looking good.  I mean, is it realistic to the characters?  Sure.  Do worse things happen in the books?  It certainly seems so.  Do we need to see this scene in a visual medium?  Fuck. No.  Here’s the good thing for Sansa and the Starks.  Ramsay’s getting his head fucking spiked.  Stannis is rolling in, and if that doesn’t somehow park his ass, Littlefinger has made damn sure Cersei will take them down, and put her good ol’ uncle in charge!  Finally, Sansa can be at peace, and her and Littlefinger can…oh wait shit, best case scenerio she ends up with Littlefinger?  This guy?  THIS FUCKING GUY?  Arya, stop playing with severed heads and save your goddamn sister!

That’s mercifully all for this week, and as always, don’t be named “the Tickler.”