(Spoilers up until the current episode of Game of Thrones.)

Man, I hope everyone likes the North, cause we got a lot of that this week.  Skipping out on King’s Landing (one of only 3 episodes in the series to not feature the capital), the focus was squarely on those in the colder and coldest parts of Westeros.  And the stories of Castle Black and Winterfell may be entangled soon as Stannis has begun to march on the Boltons.  But before everyone starts swinging their dicks around trying to decide whether Roose’s or Ramsay’s head will look better on a spike, you need to realize what world we’re watching.  Shall we have a quick recap of the moments where people were seemingly about to get their comeuppance?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Knq_7MfHO0o

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QS2IYyywZMs

It’s much more likely that Davos is gonna end up flayed while Princess Shireen is forced to watch.

Speaking of being forced to watch, Ramsay is commanding Michael Scott levels of awkwardness at the table.  But after Ramsay dropped Reek’s marionette, he got a surprise from dear old dad:  he’s gonna be a brother.  Now, here’s some knowledge for those who don’t know/haven’t paid close attention/forgot: Ramsay was a brother already.  Roose had a true-born son that mysteriously died.  It’s assumed Ramsay had a part in it.  Now, it’s true that Ramsay is indeed a legitimized son of Roose Bolton.  But, Roose controls his own heir.  Kinda like how Renly figured he should get the throne just cause he and Loras thought Stannis was a shithead.  So Roose could double back on Ramsay and call this child his heir.  And that’s a thorn in Ramsay’s side the size of Myranda’s hipbone.

Also, to celebrate Mother’s Day, Game of Thrones gave us the weirdest, sociopathic, oddly heartfelt father son moment of all time.  They couldn’t have missed the mark more.  It is funny that Roose doesn’t so much mind that his son is a psychopathic serial killer, he just doesn’t like that he’s being a shitbag all the time.  Especially since Roose is basically a serial killer himself, so you know, they can bond over that.  He just wants Ramsay to know he cares for him, especially so Ramsay won’t kill him or his new child.  Though, I’m not sure Roose’s story about raping his mother and almost killing him was as touching to Ramsay as Roose hoped it would be.

Over in Mereen, Dany provided the music video that should’ve been for that Fall Out Boy song.  After Barristan Selmy got shanked in an alley, Dany decided to throw a bunch of the old slave masters to her dragons.  She ended up only roasting one, but it was still pretty effed up.  And if you’re feeling sorry for the one that did die, don’t.  Homeboy should’ve thought that situation out and gone to the sides.  Let’s break it down. You’re in a straight line getting bumped forward by spears.  Can’t change that, but that doesn’t mean you can’t increase your chances of survival.  Here’s a very detailed chart proving my point:

It is clear the edge slavers are farther away from the dragons, meaning they are less likely to be targeted or even get residual burns.  Also, Dany’s not walking around a lot, and she’s not gonna push her beau, Hipster zoo Lorax or whatever his name is.  Easily survivable encounter, if you just use your head.  Much like the men’s bathroom, it’s all about positioning.

And now we land with Tyrion and Jorah, who took a wrong turn in ancient Valyria and found themselves in an episode of the Walking Dead.  Seriously, ice zombies weren’t enough, they had to toss in some stone ones too.  So evidently, the Stone Men are what happens if Princess Scaleface just got that shit everywhere like the worst case of poison ivy (note: I tried to find an image for that and ended up clawing my eyes out).  And it’s evidently super contagious, since just getting touched is a death sentence.  That’s hardcore.  Walking Dead would’ve ended after 4 episodes if you couldn’t even be touched.  And that would’ve been awful, since the Walking Dead now employees like half the cast of The Wire.

And finally, a reenactment of Jon talking to Olly about bringing the Wildlings south of the Wall:

Jon: Olly, be honest, you’re cool with this right?

Olly: THEY KILLED MY GODDAMN PARENTS!

Jon: Yeah, I know how that feels, my dad was killed.

Olly: Oh, I’m sorry, did you watch your dad die?

Jon: Well, no, but-

Olly: And watch your mom get hacked to death by a giant axe-wielding cannibal?

Jon: Well, funny thing about my mom is-

Olly: And then watch everyone you’ve ever known get slaughtered?

Jon: I mean, my brother got murdered recently, and his wife, who I heard was sorta hot, and-

Olly: Oh, and then one of them had the decency to tell me HE WAS GOING TO EAT MY PARENTS!

*long pause*

Jon:…I’m gonna put you down as a maybe.

That’s it, and remember, if you try to get paid by Littlefinger for keeping a secret, think of better last words than “Wait!”