Game of Thrones Recap: Season 5 Episode 7 “The Gift”

May 28, 2015January 12, 2016 ~ Sam Holt ~ 1 Comment

(Warning: Spoilers for all episodes of Game of Thrones)

I didn’t expect Season 5 to live up to Season 4’s expectations. From the book reading sources I’ve conversed with, the end of book 3 (of which Season 4 was based off of) was probably the best material within the books. Not to say this season has been bad, but it lacks the pop of the previous season. The next three episodes may be very shocking (especially to book readers, who I’ve been told find themselves facing mostly uncharted territory in Meereen, Winterfell, and Dorne), but I’m not sure I’m completely sold. Season 5 has been given the unfortunate task of telling a half a story. Adapted from the first half of two books, it seems more like the dreadful trend that popular movie series have adopted as of late, splitting their final movie into two parts. There have been no major deaths so far this season, which isn’t to say their hasn’t been drama, but it’s a definite new direction for the usually violent show.

This is Game of Thrones, totally spinning my head. Look how shocked I am.

I’m more concerned with this fact: Game of Thrones is becoming predictable. Honestly, probably the least predictable thing that happened in this episode was that Bronn actually survived it (more on that later). Hopefully I’m wrong, and they’ll spin my head for real in the next three episodes. But, c’mon. Was anyone shocked when Reek stayed loyal to Ramsay? Were you blown away by the High Sparrow turning the tables on Cersei? And did it blow your mind that Gilly and Sam finally had sex? Wait, shit, they banged? Nevermind, this show does still have a curveball. Let’s break it down, shall we?

Your girl was the worst. I thought you should know.

At the wall, after Tormund got done mugging everyone like he just collectively fucked every crows’ girlfriend, we were treated to a couple of scenes of Maester Aemon (that old guy at the Wall) going delirious before dropping dead of old age for the second time in Game of Thrones history (you may remember the first was Cat Stark’s dad, the victim of Edmure Tully’s clinic on how not to set a boat on fire). Then, Sam gets the shit kicked out of him and gets saved by a giant CGI Deus Ex Machina dog. He is then rewarded for having the supernatural ability of being near a dog by losing his V card. I’d like to make a short list of people that have had less sex than Sam this year: Jon Snow, Melisandre, Littlefinger, Jaime, Podrick, Tyrion, and Theon Greyjoy. That’s an impressive list. Though he has had less sex than Tommen, Margaery, Dany, Daario, and probably even Oberyn. Even in his current state, I wouldn’t put it past him. He’s still more appealing than Jorah.

Who the fuck is this guy? Where did he come from?

Speaking of Ser Just a Friend, he did a great job at sucking at killing people and getting shut down this week. Luckily for him, Tyrion escaped in time to present himself to the Queen and collectively make everyone giggle in excitement. But, can we briefly talk about how he got out of his chains? Tyrion is sturggling trying to cut himself loose when some big cousin Orson mofo comes by with a blade. By now, I’m sure you already forgot this happened, but it did. Were we supposed to believe he was in danger? Why did that guy cut him loose if it was inferred he was working for the slave master? What’s he even doing there? Can we cut out next week’s Brienne section so we can learn what makes that guy tick? Anyone?

Shockingly, I couldn't find a SFW GIF of this scene, so here's an Owl that reminds me of Samwell. — Shockingly, I couldn’t find a SFW GIF of this scene, so here’s an Owl that reminds me of Samwell. I promise only one more owl picture.

And since we’re on the topic of scenes they can cut, let’s go to Dorne. Shocker, Myrcella wants to stay and make out with Trystan more. Also, why all the y’s? Is everyone allergic to i’s in Westeros? Then we stumble upon the inevitable death of Bronn in the prison. Oh, and here’s the Sand Snakes. Great. Another scene with…wait…hmm. They uh…yeah. What was I saying? Sand Snakes are great right? I always say that. Don’t say it enough, quite frankly. Wait, whoa! NO! BRONN! BRONN! STAY WITH ME BUDDY! STOP LOOKING AT THOSE PHENOMENAL TITS AND SAVE YOUR GODDAMN SELF! GIVE HIM THE ANTIDOTE YOU SUCCUBUS! HE’S A TOP TEN CHARACTER! Thank you.

Quick aside for seriousness…why did this scene exist? To reveal that the Sand Snakes poison their blades too? Yeah, we figured. And if they were just trying to kill Bronn, why save him? I’m never gonna complain about seeing beautiful women get naked on Game of Thrones, but maybe make it a more useful scene. Like this NSFW scene. Or this NSFW scene. And remember the scene that preceded this line where you definitely weren’t listening to Littlefinger? You’re welcome.

On the subject of Littlefinger speaking truths in his brothel, Bae gets threatened by Olenna saying that unless Petyr (fucking y’s, seriously) solves this shit, she’s dropping the bomb that he’s the new Kingslayer. Luckily, he brings in nobody’s favorite Lannister, Lancel, to clean up his mess. This finally wiped the season long smirk off of Cersei’s face as she got hit by the most obvious double cross of all time. Really Cersei? You thought empowering a bunch of Seven-Pointed Star thumpers was a good idea when you’re captain of the adultery team and an incest hall of famer? Especially when there’s a dude working for them that you did both of those things with? I hope for your sake you look as good in jail as Margaery does.

Barn Owls...the Boltons of Owls. — Barn Owls…the Boltons of Owls. Only more creepy.

As for Sansa, she can be forgiven that she couldn’t foresee Reek staying in Ramsay’s corner. I mean, dude already sided with Ramsay over basically his entire family. I’m sure this isn’t the last move for Sansa, and I’m sure it will include attempting to drag Theon back to his senses, but until the time comes for Ramsay to die, I doubt that happens. And if you think it’s Ramsay’s time to die, let me remind you of our current power rankings of antagonists:

1) Ramsay Bolton and family

2) Sons of the Harpy

3) Melisandre

4) Littlefinger (is he an antagonist right now?)

5) Everyone at the Wall not named Sam or Gilly

That’s really about it. Like, the Faith Militant isn’t even really an antagonist since they arrested Cersei. Also, are we supposed to hate them since they stand up for all the poor people Game of Thrones doesn’t bother to talk about? Other than arresting Margaery, they haven’t really ruffled my feathers. Good shows have good antagonists, and like it or not, Ramsay should stay since he’s great to root against. At least until Reek finally kills the guy who drove him insane blowing his horn three whole seasons ago. And I’m not sure we’ll see that this season.

Season 5 may very well be setting up for the next one, which may even be a worthy sacrifice. A lot of paths should be clearer by then: Dany and Tyrion will have (hopefully) joined forces, Arya will be a trained bad-ass, and maybe Tommen will finally say something more useful than Hodor. But, hopefully, this season lights off some fireworks before going dark ’til next spring.

That’s all for this week, and as always, remember, don’t go along with Ramsay’s plan to let Theon escape, because he’ll probably shoot you at point blank range in the head with an arrow.

Pitch Perfect 2: Winners and Losers

May 23, 2015January 12, 2016 ~ Sam Holt ~ 1 Comment

The original Pitch Perfect has turned into a bit of a cult classic. The surface layer seemed to promise an a capella chick flick that boyfriends were going to get dragged to across the country. Seriously, did this poster make you think this was going to be a good movie? But, after digging in, a script written by a seasoned 30 Rock writer and a truly hilarious cast emerged. When there were details of a sequel in production, I became excited about the prospects of new songs to sing obnoxiously, new one-liners to reference with my friends, and new ways to be even more in love with Anna Kendrick. And depending what you liked from Pitch Perfect 1, you may have gotten exactly what you wanted from Pitch Perfect 2. Or, you could’ve wildly missed the mark. So, here is your plot-spoiler free winners and losers guide to Pitch Perfect 2.

Winners: Fans of the Announcers

The irreverent announcers from Pitch Perfect 1 are back (predictably, since Elizabeth Banks directed the sequel), and are better than ever. The really let them off the leash and let them spew some vile shit. It really livens up the movie, and is especially useful in setting up the competitions which (as we’ll get to) were a little more lackluster than last time around. I’d honestly watch them commentate on anything. Like, if they got the producers from shows like Dance Moms and Toddlers in Tiaras to sign off on letting them do DVD commentary, I would buy the shit out of those DVDs.

Losers: Fans of Jesse (and the rest of the Treblemakers)

The original Pitch Perfect gave us the most suave, gorgeous, perfect man in the history of cinema in Skylar Astin’s Jesse. Dude killed the whole movie, from his lethal one-liners to his shimmy during the riff-off. I’m like only 20% jealous he gets to make out with Anna Kendrick at the end because he is thousands of times cooler than I will ever be. But, after parlaying his new found perfection for a TBS sitcom and the wrong co-star named Anna, Jesse finds himself benched for most of the movie. He basically gets replaced by Keegean-Michael Key, who fills the role of Beca’s foil and provides some of the best comedy in the movie. But while that’s a plus, it’s a major letdown to see Jesse reduced to such a lesser role. In some parts I get it…his meet-cute days are over, and all he can be is a supportive boyfriend. Doesn’t mean you have to give him background work with no good lines, probably the worst a capella arrangement in the movie, and make his only call back moment that one time he calls out Beca’s name like a bird. Looks like he got *clap clap* CUT OFF.

Winners: People who like the one-off jokes

There were a lot of non-sequitur jokes in the first Pitch Perfect, most of which came from Lilly. This got ramped up hard in the sequel. Lilly essentially becomes a parody of herself, doing nothing but seeming absolutely psychopathic for the duration of her involvement. They also add a Guatemalan Bella whose sole purpose is to guilt shame everyone who complains about how hard their lives are. Both work fine in their own ways, but they start to feel cheap near the end. They also, essentially turn Benji into this, with his entire plotline being forced with no conflict and a tossed in resolution near the end. His sole purpose is to say something awkward and walk away.

Losers: Jessica and Ashley

Maybe next time, ladies!

Winners: Lovers of all-female pillow fights and lesbian experimentation

I mean, at least as much of a winner as you can be in a PG-13 movie.

Losers: Fans of the a capella arrangements

I may get some flack for this, but after the high bar set from the first movie, the second movie falls flat. Take the riff-off for example. In the first one, the flow of the songs were the highlight, a musical ping-pong match that got you so caught up in the moment, you forgot that weird Madonna team never officially got eliminated. This time, the riff-off has five teams. However, less is more since the riff-off can’t take up like 30 minutes in a 2 hour movie, so every round features a stilted 2 or 3 songs and the rhythm never really gets going. And outside of both the German teams’ arrangements, most of the arrangements just didn’t do it for me, and the Bellas’ final doesn’t seem like the epic finale like the last movie. Overall, Pitch Perfect 2 is probably as funny or funnier than Pitch Perfect 1. But as a movie, it’s a little flat.

Game of Thrones Recap: Season 5 Episode 6 Unbowed, Unbent, Unbroken

May 19, 2015May 19, 2015 ~ Sam Holt ~ 1 Comment

(Spoiler Warning for all Game of Thrones TV material up to and including this episode.)

If each Game of Thrones episode was a drag race, the sixth episode of each season tends to be the one where the writers hit the nitrous button. The race itself is always exciting, but this is the moment that tends to make or break a season. In the past seasons, episode 6 has given us Ned Stark discovering that Robert is NOT the father, two demands for a trial by combat, Jon Snow first meeting Ygritte, and Dany getting really upset about something:

This episode certainly had its nitrous moments. The race isn’t over yet, but some plot lines are speeding towards a conclusion. But while it was barreling forward, it also hit some bumps in the road that could be leading to a catastrophe. So now, in pure contradiction to this paragraph, let’s start with the most boring part of the episode.

In an episode where many people are kidnapped or arrested, the one I want freed is there on their own free will. A lot of people (I was among them) were jacked up for the return of Jaqen H’ghar and the promise of Arya becoming a Faceless Man. Instead we’ve been treated to Arya being bitched out by the two people who can be spared lines and giving lots of dead body sponge baths. I mean, I get it. Should’ve seen the Karate Kid treatment coming, waxing on and off bodies as Jaqen Miyagi tells her she’s not ready. I guess I just expected a little more intrigue, maybe more recruits to form rivalries with Arya or something. Instead, we’re subjected to Arya washing a dead body, getting repeatedly physically assaulted by a grown man, tricking a small girl into killing herself, and touching the face of a decapitated head in a room full of thousands of decapitated heads. And would you believe me that none of those scenes were even near the most fucked up thing that happened this episode? Moving on…

After contracting Greyscale and finding out his father is dead, you would think things couldn’t get much worse for Jorah. Greyscale is pretty much a death sentence and his father, Jeor, only joined the Night’s Watch because of the shame Jorah brought to his family, which was ironically, through slave trading. But now, since they were captured by Mr. Eko, it seems like Jorah is just on a downward spiral. As always, Tyrion steals the scene, this time saving himself not by offering his family fortune (like last time), but by having a huge dick. Maybe his head wasn’t the best part of him after all…

And now, a brief interlude to character purgatory:

Bran Stark: Varys, welcome to purgatory!

Varys: Where the hell am I? Last thing I remember I was sitting in a brothel trying to figure out why they were so appealing, and then I ended up here.

Bran: Yeah, this is where characters with no story go to chill out for a while. Jorah really wanted out, so he kidnapped your boy Tyrion, and here you are.

Varys: Well that sucks, but I guess it’s better than being dead.

Balon Greyjoy: You can say that again!

Varys: Who else is here?

Bran: Well, Osha and Rickon have been here the longest. Hot Pie spends most of his time here. Meera is moping in the corner. Lancel Lannister had been here for years until just recently. Also, Thoros of Myr-

Hodor: HODOR!

Bran: Yeah, and Hodor is here.

Hodor (smugly): Hodor!

Bran: That never gets old.

Varys: Anyone else?

Bran: People have said they’ve seen the Hound limping around, but I’ll believe it when I see it. Also, like every living Tully and Frey.

Varys (painfully): Ah, SHIT! That dog fucking bit me!

Bran: Oh yeah, that’s Nymeria, she’s been here like the whole time, that’s all she’s good for.

Varys: Anything else I should know about?

Bran: Well there’s this one guy, that no one likes, because he constantly keeps-

Gendry:

Speaking of character purgatory, Olenna “Queen of Thorns” Tyrell finally returned this week, meaning that the sunny King’s Landing was about to get some shade. But while Lady Olenna would destroy Cersei in an episode of Wild ‘n Out, all she could do was watch while the Faith Militant put both her grandchildren behind bars. I have a few quick tangents to go on, so bare with me:

This caption belongs to Petyr Bae-*smack*

1) If Olyvar (the guy who’s sole job seems to be to inform people that the brothel is owned by Petyr Baelish and then immediately get assaulted) was Loras’ squire, couldn’t he plausibly have dressed him? I mean, Lancel did it for Robert in Season 1! Maybe that’s how he saw the Dorne-shaped birthmark on his thigh? I understand it’s hard to think under pressure like that, but surely if you just keep denying it, that can’t be enough proof to settle a he-said/she-said argument? Then again, the Faith Militant don’t exactly seem like the type that care about due process.

2) Margaery: Tommen! They arrested Loras, do something!

Tommen: Uh…

Margaery: Now they’re arresting me!

Tommen: Uh…

Margaery: And they’re killing everyone in the streets!

Tommen: Uh…

Margaery: And the whole city is on fire!

Tommen: Uh…

Margaery: And I forgot to feed Ser Pounce!

Tommen: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

3) Cersei is a well constructed villain that is very fun to root against, but even I’m bothered by how obvious this plot line is going. Sure, Cersei is clearly trying to be her father, someone she is too arrogant and not clever enough to be. And sure, pretending to not know what the Sparrows are up to might fly with your spineless teen-aged son, but you can’t expect the Tyrells to take this lying down? Olenna may be known for her barbs, but she’s also rich and has an army. Remember Sam’s dad who Stannis mentioned a couple episodes ago? He fights for the Tyrells. Cersei may think she’s won, but she’ll be sorely mistaken when she gets abandoned by the Tyrells and the Faith Militant shockingly start playing by their own rules in the next few weeks.

Good, good. Nice and slow, no need for anyone to get hurt.

Okay, so I saved the worst two parts for last. Now, I have not read the books, and will not spoil anything for the TV show that hasn’t been stated in the show. But book people kept telling me how great the Sand Snakes were and they mostly seem PO’d over the way they’ve been portrayed. I don’t blame them, since right now they look like scrubs. They just got handled by 2 dudes with 3 hands. Sure, Bronn got nicked by one of them. Does that mean he’ll die? No, of course- wait what? They poison their blades? Oh for fucks sake…

Listen. If Bronn dies because of them, that does not make them scary or threatening. It makes them seem lucky. Right now they seem like some mooks that just bother the real heroes, like Team Rocket, Draco Malfoy, or those weird garbage dogs from CatDog. But they’re not interesting. They’re not badass, they’re not funny, and they’re not sexy. Basically, they’re not Oberyn.

In Winterfell, some fucking bullshit happened. The writers of Game of Thrones are usually on point. But after this scene (and this interview), things are not looking good. I mean, is it realistic to the characters? Sure. Do worse things happen in the books? It certainly seems so. Do we need to see this scene in a visual medium? Fuck. No. Here’s the good thing for Sansa and the Starks. Ramsay’s getting his head fucking spiked. Stannis is rolling in, and if that doesn’t somehow park his ass, Littlefinger has made damn sure Cersei will take them down, and put her good ol’ uncle in charge! Finally, Sansa can be at peace, and her and Littlefinger can…oh wait shit, best case scenerio she ends up with Littlefinger? This guy? THIS FUCKING GUY? Arya, stop playing with severed heads and save your goddamn sister!

That’s mercifully all for this week, and as always, don’t be named “the Tickler.”

Game of Thrones Recap: Season 5 Episode 5 Kill The Boy

May 16, 2015May 16, 2015 ~ Sam Holt ~ Leave a comment

(Spoilers up until the current episode of Game of Thrones.)

Man, I hope everyone likes the North, cause we got a lot of that this week. Skipping out on King’s Landing (one of only 3 episodes in the series to not feature the capital), the focus was squarely on those in the colder and coldest parts of Westeros. And the stories of Castle Black and Winterfell may be entangled soon as Stannis has begun to march on the Boltons. But before everyone starts swinging their dicks around trying to decide whether Roose’s or Ramsay’s head will look better on a spike, you need to realize what world we’re watching. Shall we have a quick recap of the moments where people were seemingly about to get their comeuppance?

It’s much more likely that Davos is gonna end up flayed while Princess Shireen is forced to watch.

There's a joke here about Shakira and Pinocchio... — There’s a joke here about Shakira and Pinocchio…

Speaking of being forced to watch, Ramsay is commanding Michael Scott levels of awkwardness at the table. But after Ramsay dropped Reek’s marionette, he got a surprise from dear old dad: he’s gonna be a brother. Now, here’s some knowledge for those who don’t know/haven’t paid close attention/forgot: Ramsay was a brother already. Roose had a true-born son that mysteriously died. It’s assumed Ramsay had a part in it. Now, it’s true that Ramsay is indeed a legitimized son of Roose Bolton. But, Roose controls his own heir. Kinda like how Renly figured he should get the throne just cause he and Loras thought Stannis was a shithead. So Roose could double back on Ramsay and call this child his heir. And that’s a thorn in Ramsay’s side the size of Myranda’s hipbone.

Also, to celebrate Mother’s Day, Game of Thrones gave us the weirdest, sociopathic, oddly heartfelt father son moment of all time. They couldn’t have missed the mark more. It is funny that Roose doesn’t so much mind that his son is a psychopathic serial killer, he just doesn’t like that he’s being a shitbag all the time. Especially since Roose is basically a serial killer himself, so you know, they can bond over that. He just wants Ramsay to know he cares for him, especially so Ramsay won’t kill him or his new child. Though, I’m not sure Roose’s story about raping his mother and almost killing him was as touching to Ramsay as Roose hoped it would be.

Over in Mereen, Dany provided the music video that should’ve been for that Fall Out Boy song. After Barristan Selmy got shanked in an alley, Dany decided to throw a bunch of the old slave masters to her dragons. She ended up only roasting one, but it was still pretty effed up. And if you’re feeling sorry for the one that did die, don’t. Homeboy should’ve thought that situation out and gone to the sides. Let’s break it down. You’re in a straight line getting bumped forward by spears. Can’t change that, but that doesn’t mean you can’t increase your chances of survival. Here’s a very detailed chart proving my point:

It is clear the slave masters on the edges are much safer from Zak and Wheezie.

It is clear the edge slavers are farther away from the dragons, meaning they are less likely to be targeted or even get residual burns. Also, Dany’s not walking around a lot, and she’s not gonna push her beau, Hipster zoo Lorax or whatever his name is. Easily survivable encounter, if you just use your head. Much like the men’s bathroom, it’s all about positioning.

Where's Rick Grimes when you need him... — Where’s Rick Grimes when you need him…

And now we land with Tyrion and Jorah, who took a wrong turn in ancient Valyria and found themselves in an episode of the Walking Dead. Seriously, ice zombies weren’t enough, they had to toss in some stone ones too. So evidently, the Stone Men are what happens if Princess Scaleface just got that shit everywhere like the worst case of poison ivy (note: I tried to find an image for that and ended up clawing my eyes out). And it’s evidently super contagious, since just getting touched is a death sentence. That’s hardcore. Walking Dead would’ve ended after 4 episodes if you couldn’t even be touched. And that would’ve been awful, since the Walking Dead now employees like half the cast of The Wire.

And finally, a reenactment of Jon talking to Olly about bringing the Wildlings south of the Wall:

Jon: Olly, be honest, you’re cool with this right?

Olly: THEY KILLED MY GODDAMN PARENTS!

Jon: Yeah, I know how that feels, my dad was killed.

Olly: Oh, I’m sorry, did you watch your dad die?

Jon: Well, no, but-

Olly: And watch your mom get hacked to death by a giant axe-wielding cannibal?

Jon: Well, funny thing about my mom is-

Olly: And then watch everyone you’ve ever known get slaughtered?

Jon: I mean, my brother got murdered recently, and his wife, who I heard was sorta hot, and-

Olly: Oh, and then one of them had the decency to tell me HE WAS GOING TO EAT MY PARENTS!

*long pause*

Jon:…I’m gonna put you down as a maybe.

That’s it, and remember, if you try to get paid by Littlefinger for keeping a secret, think of better last words than “Wait!”

Game of Thrones Recap: Episode 4 – Sons of the Harpy

May 7, 2015May 7, 2015 ~ Sam Holt ~ 2 Comments

(Spoilers ahead for the all of Game of Thrones up to the latest episode, you have been warned.)

Action sequences are relatively common in Game of Thrones. From high scale battles like the Battle of Blackwater and Castle Black to duels where beloved characters seem to lose more often than not, violence can be almost assured each episode, adding a thrilling sequence that threatens characters we know and love. This week we were treated to a couple of action sequences, with varying levels of intrigue and emotion. Most viewers probably didn’t think Bronn and Jaime were gonna get dropped by a few Dornish scrubs, but the entire fight involving Grey Worm (captain Unsullied) and Barristan Selmy (that other old guy that hangs out with Dany) was built up to be suspenseful, and ultimately delivered.

Now, here’s the underlying thing about Game of Thrones that we’ve learned through 4 1/2 seasons: not everyone is truly as vulnerable as the show would want you to believe. Some people are currently untouchable. Now, I know what you’re thinking: “But they killed off Ned Stark, the star of the whole show.” Yes. They did. Most of the deaths in Game of Thrones conclude story lines to create room for new ones. And while most people couldn’t have predicted that characters like Robb and Cat Stark would be subjected to a drive-by, their plots weren’t absolutely dire. Robb dies and people are sad, but all that means is he can’t avenge his father or rule the North. Joffrey dies and people are happy, but it makes sense, since King’s Landing needed a shake up. If Dany dies, you feel like a huge section of the plot was absolutely pointless…that’s not shocking, that’s frustrating. That’s infuriating. And most importantly, that’s bad storytelling. So, for the current future, Dany’s life is not in danger, even if her state of well-being isn’t necessarily promising. But that list of untouchables is shockingly short. Dany and Jon Snow are probably the only two completely untouchable characters. And I wouldn’t bet on Arya, Sansa, Tyrion, or Cersei dying anytime soon. But Jaime? Probably not, but who knows? Even people seemingly building to something could die. Littlefinger looks poised to be a major villain, but his death could spark Sansa to become a major political player. Sacrificing a character to motivate or intrigue another is a classic plot device. Currently, it seems as though a lot of people are being isolated, and now seemingly losing Barristan Selmy and perhaps Grey Worm, Dany is looking weaker than ever. This should work out nicely for the approaching Jorah and Tyrion to bulk up her posse…if she isn’t mad that one betrayed her and the other is the son of the man responsible for killing her family.

“This doesn’t mean we can’t sex later, right?”

And Margaery, dear Margaery. What did I tell you about pissing off Cersei? Bone Zone. Well, the pleasantries are over and the swords are out. Cersei started by granting Mace Tyrell the opportunity to travel to Braavos representing the King. And how nice of her to send Meryn Trant with him! I wish I could buy stock in someone clumsily falling overboard with concrete for shoes. Speaking of the Bone Zone, Loras Tyrell also got arrested because homosexuality goes over about as well in Westeros as it goes over in Qatar. And when King Tommen the Brave and Ruthless walks over to bitch out the High Sparrow to assist his demanding (and extremely attractive) wife, he turns into more King Tommen the Let’s All Just Get Along and Nobody Stab Anyone. Doesn’t have a good ring to it. The best part of this subplot is Maergary saying she’ll contact Olenna. For those of you who can’t recall the name, Olenna is Maergary’s grandmother. You know, the one that fucking killed Joffrey. Take it away, Martin Lawrence:

You all seem nice, hey do you know-wait, what're you doing with those scorpions? OH NO! — You all seem nice, hey do you know-wait, what’re you doing with those scorpions? OH NO!

Meanwhile, in Dorne, Jaime proved much more adept at catching a sword with his hand than the Hound did. I’m liking the Jaime and Bronn partnership. But I can’t help but worry that this is Bronn’s swan song. You don’t introduce an entire new family to be bug bait. And the Sand Snakes aren’t fucking around. Let’s recap, shall we? A ship captain offered one of the Sand Snakes information for a fee. Obara, taking offense to the notion that she had to pay for information in her own land, took him prisoner, buried him up to his neck in sand, and put a basket of scorpions on his head. It’s also probably like 100 degrees out there, which I’m sure is the least of his worries. Especially when the most of his worries definitely included getting a spear chucked through his dome. Good luck, Braime!

Quick interlude to the Wall…

Melisandre: Jon, we need you.

Jon: Nah, I’m good.

Melisandre: What if we bang?

Jon: Nah, I’m good.

Melisandre: C’mon, I’m your type!

Jon: Nah, I’m good.

Melisandre: I know you wanna bang!

Jon: Nah, I’m good.

Melisandre: You know nothing, Jon Snow.

Also, as much as Stannis has a pretty serious case of Westeros Asperger’s syndrome, his devotion to his daughter was touching and I’m not going to make jokes about it. What, no, I’m not crying! Moving on…

I could watch Tyrion plead to be untied all day. It’s such a classic little brother move. Anyway, things are not coming up on Jorah’s end. At least the dude is keeping his pimp hand strong. Speaking of pimps, after a little history lesson about Lyanna Stark (which will surely not be at all relevant to the overall plot), Littlefinger is bailing on Sansa and she is on her own. Obviously, the Don has his own agenda, but I was surprised to see it included leaving the offspring of the woman he loved all his life in the hands of Ramsay Snow. I’m sure she’ll be fine. Wait, what’s that Ramsay?

That’s it for this week, and remember, if you’re going to enter a jousting competition, try not to go against the Mountain.

Shut Up Bender

by Sam Holt

Month: May 2015

Game of Thrones Recap: Season 5 Episode 7 “The Gift”

Pitch Perfect 2: Winners and Losers

Game of Thrones Recap: Season 5 Episode 6 Unbowed, Unbent, Unbroken

Game of Thrones Recap: Season 5 Episode 5 Kill The Boy

Game of Thrones Recap: Episode 4 – Sons of the Harpy