Spoiler Warning up front, cannot contain my excitement to get through the first paragraph without spoiling anything.  Watch this episode before reading this.

Watching Game of Thrones last night was just fantastic.  It had everything I love:   Natalie Dormer getting naked.  A total dickbag getting his head chopped off.  Ramsay Snow and Littlefinger scheming (with each other!).  Tyrion delivering great lines.  And Natalie Dormer getting naked.  “High Sparrow” wasn’t necessarily a memorable episode; it will probably go down as the least memorable wedding episode in the series.  However, it was a joy from start to finish, leaving viewers in that perfect balance of satisfied and craving more.

We’ll start in the House of Black and White where…something…happened.  I don’t know.  What do you expect?  It’s all mysterious and broody there.  First, Arya chucked her old clothes (stashing Needle, which would’ve been the biggest loss of this season so far, with all due respect to Mance Rayder) and gave a dead dude a sponge bath.  You know, classic assassin training.  Wax on, wax off type shit.  I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt that they’re building to something.

Speaking of building to something, holy shit has the North gone from 0 to 60.  My boy Ramsay comes in fresh off getting legit and flays a whole family in front of some scrub to get him to pay taxes.  And what are the consequences of these heinous actions?  THE ABILITY TO MARRY SANSA FUCKING STARK!  Littlefinger and the Boltons working together is kinda like seeing Vladimir Putin siding with ISIS.  But, unfortunately for Littlefinger, Roose Bolton ain’t no scrub.  Shockingly, someone who stabs his allies in the back (or, quite literally, in the front) doesn’t take kindly to secrets.  Whatever Littlefinger has up his sleeve, Roose knows it probably doesn’t have his best interests in mind.  But, we know what happens when you step to the Don, Petyr Baelish… (that video has NSFW lyrics that might not be expected)

At the Wall, something incredible is happening.  For those of you who don’t know my feelings personally, I’m not a big Jon Snow fan.  Yes, I cheer for him to succeed, he’s the good guy.  But he’s a first ballot mopey bastard hall of famer that is only good at hitting things with pointy sticks and knowing nothing.  Really, the only thing he had going for him was his taste in women, and that didn’t turn out so hot for him either.  But I have a confession.  I…like Jon Snow.  Like, like him like him.  He kinda grew on me the end of last season, and this season he seemed to be gaining a level of not giving a shit that really endeared him to my heart.  Now, it may be a little easy to get on my good side when you’re decapitating one of the shittiest guys on the show while he cries and begs for mercy, but I honestly didn’t think he was going to do it.  Like, when it happened, my first reaction was like “Oh shit, can he do that?”  I mean, he’s the Lord Commander, so I’m guess he can pretty much do whatever the fuck he wants now.  And it seems like that’s how shits gonna roll at the Wall from now on.  And I’m on board with that.

And now, a brief interlude with Podrick and Brienne of Tarth:

Brienne: How’d you hook up with half-man?

Pod: Shit, I almost got hanged, but luckily I’m family with that creepy executioner dude with no tongue, so Papa Lannister pardoned me and tossed me to his son.

Brienne: That blows.

Pod: Actually, it was pretty chill.

Brienne: I’m sorry I’ve been such a B.

Pod: It’s cool.

Brienne: I’ll teach you how to suck less.

Pod:  That’s probably something Renly Baratheon never taught you.

Brienne: You don’t know shit about Renly.

Pod: I know he pushed shit into Loras.

Brienne: What would you even know about sex anyway?

Speaking of explicit sexual acts, the Sparrows decided to flog the High Septum for getting his brothel on, which, shockingly, is frowned upon when you’re the highest ranking church official in King’s Landing.  So now the High Sparrow is stepping up to a position of power, which I’m sure will be a major plot for the season.  I’ll be honest, seeing a naked old man  get flogged would’ve really bummed me out if I hadn’t just seen Natalie Dormer consummating her marriage to the luckiest 18 year old in fiction and real life.  But as great as this was for fans of Margaery Tyrell, her victory lap over Cersei is putting her in the Bone Zone…and not the good one.  This Bone Zone is less wedding night and more Red Wedding night.  Here, for your viewing pleasure, are the current inhabitants of the Bone Zone:

Margaery Tyrell

Girl.  You’re throwing more heat than Pedro Martinez in the late 90s.  But you gotta slow down.  Cersei Lannister is coming at you like a heat-seeking missile and you’re on fire.  You can go along breaking sex records with Tommen.  And feel free to parade around Flea Bottom making your rounds as the Queen who cares.  But stop tormenting this psychopath!  You’ll be pushing up the very flowers your house uses for its sigil.  And underground is the last place most of the male (and a good portion of the female) viewership want your body to be.

Myrcella and Tommen Baratheon

It’s not a good day when you have a bunch of angry women called the Sand Snakes after you, especially when they are the daughters of Oberyn Fucking Martell (here’s the scene with the Lannister’s in the Brothel so we can all remember better times).  And it’s also not a good day when you’re on top of the world in a George R.R. Martin novel.  As I’ve stated before, Tommen can’t possibly be the king at the end of all this.  And not to mention, the weird witchy oracle in episode 1 stated to Cersei, regarding her children, “gold will be their crowns, gold will be their shrouds,” which sounds an awful lot like all Cersei’s offspring are getting offed this spring.

Pick a Bolton, Any Bolton

As much as I enjoy the foil that is the Bolton family, with Sansa getting involved and Roose strong arming Littlefinger, I don’t much expect the Bolton’s to be around that much longer.  They may very well survive the season, but with the threat of Littlefinger’s thirst for power and Sansa’s thirst for revenge looming, Roose could find himself getting a taste of his own medicine soon.  And let’s be real, no one would be shocked if Ramsay did him in either.  You know what he says…

Myranda (Ramsay Bolton’s…girlfriend?)

You might remember her from such hits as getting Theon’s dick hard so it could be chopped off, shooting an innocent girl with an arrow so she could be ripped apart by dogs, and throttling Ramsay Snow while engaging in sexual intercourse.  Now she’s giving the stink eye to Sansa Stark for “stealing her man.”  Yeah, I’m sure that’s gonna work out great for you.  Ramsay totally seems like the guy that likes clingy chicks that interfere with his master plans.

Balon Greyjoy

Obviously, he’s not really in the picture right now, but remember, Stannis dropped 3 of those lucky Gendry leeches in the fire.  He’s 2 for 3 so far…and something tells me Balon’s not escaping the power of the Lord of Light.  Honestly, his best chance at survival is probably the writer’s general ambivalence towards any Greyjoy storyline right now.

You know who’s not in the Bone Zone?  Tyrion Lannister.  Sure, he got kidnapped after walking around Volantis in broad daylight like some stupid vampire trying to get caught.  But, c’mon.  He got caught by Jorah.  You think the Game of Thrones guys are gonna pop off the Dink just to give Jorah a cool moment of redemption?  Please.  Like they’d kill the main character just to make one shitty character more of a douche-oh shit.

Hope you enjoyed the recap, and remember, if you’ve done Arya Stark wrong, but she doesn’t know your name, don’t fucking tell her.