Game of Thrones Recap: Season 5 Episode 3 – High Sparrow

April 28, 2015April 29, 2015 ~ Sam Holt ~ Leave a comment

Spoiler Warning up front, cannot contain my excitement to get through the first paragraph without spoiling anything. Watch this episode before reading this.

Watching Game of Thrones last night was just fantastic. It had everything I love: Natalie Dormer getting naked. A total dickbag getting his head chopped off. Ramsay Snow and Littlefinger scheming (with each other!). Tyrion delivering great lines. And Natalie Dormer getting naked. “High Sparrow” wasn’t necessarily a memorable episode; it will probably go down as the least memorable wedding episode in the series. However, it was a joy from start to finish, leaving viewers in that perfect balance of satisfied and craving more.

We’ll start in the House of Black and White where…something…happened. I don’t know. What do you expect? It’s all mysterious and broody there. First, Arya chucked her old clothes (stashing Needle, which would’ve been the biggest loss of this season so far, with all due respect to Mance Rayder) and gave a dead dude a sponge bath. You know, classic assassin training. Wax on, wax off type shit. I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt that they’re building to something.

Speaking of building to something, holy shit has the North gone from 0 to 60. My boy Ramsay comes in fresh off getting legit and flays a whole family in front of some scrub to get him to pay taxes. And what are the consequences of these heinous actions? THE ABILITY TO MARRY SANSA FUCKING STARK! Littlefinger and the Boltons working together is kinda like seeing Vladimir Putin siding with ISIS. But, unfortunately for Littlefinger, Roose Bolton ain’t no scrub. Shockingly, someone who stabs his allies in the back (or, quite literally, in the front) doesn’t take kindly to secrets. Whatever Littlefinger has up his sleeve, Roose knows it probably doesn’t have his best interests in mind. But, we know what happens when you step to the Don, Petyr Baelish… (that video has NSFW lyrics that might not be expected)

At the Wall, something incredible is happening. For those of you who don’t know my feelings personally, I’m not a big Jon Snow fan. Yes, I cheer for him to succeed, he’s the good guy. But he’s a first ballot mopey bastard hall of famer that is only good at hitting things with pointy sticks and knowing nothing. Really, the only thing he had going for him was his taste in women, and that didn’t turn out so hot for him either. But I have a confession. I…like Jon Snow. Like, like him like him. He kinda grew on me the end of last season, and this season he seemed to be gaining a level of not giving a shit that really endeared him to my heart. Now, it may be a little easy to get on my good side when you’re decapitating one of the shittiest guys on the show while he cries and begs for mercy, but I honestly didn’t think he was going to do it. Like, when it happened, my first reaction was like “Oh shit, can he do that?” I mean, he’s the Lord Commander, so I’m guess he can pretty much do whatever the fuck he wants now. And it seems like that’s how shits gonna roll at the Wall from now on. And I’m on board with that.

And now, a brief interlude with Podrick and Brienne of Tarth:

Brienne: How’d you hook up with half-man?

Pod: Shit, I almost got hanged, but luckily I’m family with that creepy executioner dude with no tongue, so Papa Lannister pardoned me and tossed me to his son.

Brienne: That blows.

Pod: Actually, it was pretty chill.

Brienne: I’m sorry I’ve been such a B.

Pod: It’s cool.

Brienne: I’ll teach you how to suck less.

Pod: That’s probably something Renly Baratheon never taught you.

Brienne: You don’t know shit about Renly.

Pod: I know he pushed shit into Loras.

Brienne: What would you even know about sex anyway?

Speaking of explicit sexual acts, the Sparrows decided to flog the High Septum for getting his brothel on, which, shockingly, is frowned upon when you’re the highest ranking church official in King’s Landing. So now the High Sparrow is stepping up to a position of power, which I’m sure will be a major plot for the season. I’ll be honest, seeing a naked old man get flogged would’ve really bummed me out if I hadn’t just seen Natalie Dormer consummating her marriage to the luckiest 18 year old in fiction and real life. But as great as this was for fans of Margaery Tyrell, her victory lap over Cersei is putting her in the Bone Zone…and not the good one. This Bone Zone is less wedding night and more Red Wedding night. Here, for your viewing pleasure, are the current inhabitants of the Bone Zone:

Margaery Tyrell

Girl. You’re throwing more heat than Pedro Martinez in the late 90s. But you gotta slow down. Cersei Lannister is coming at you like a heat-seeking missile and you’re on fire. You can go along breaking sex records with Tommen. And feel free to parade around Flea Bottom making your rounds as the Queen who cares. But stop tormenting this psychopath! You’ll be pushing up the very flowers your house uses for its sigil. And underground is the last place most of the male (and a good portion of the female) viewership want your body to be.

Myrcella and Tommen Baratheon

Last time these two shared a scene, they were both played by younger actors. Bet that Tommen wishes he kept that gig.

It’s not a good day when you have a bunch of angry women called the Sand Snakes after you, especially when they are the daughters of Oberyn Fucking Martell (here’s the scene with the Lannister’s in the Brothel so we can all remember better times). And it’s also not a good day when you’re on top of the world in a George R.R. Martin novel. As I’ve stated before, Tommen can’t possibly be the king at the end of all this. And not to mention, the weird witchy oracle in episode 1 stated to Cersei, regarding her children, “gold will be their crowns, gold will be their shrouds,” which sounds an awful lot like all Cersei’s offspring are getting offed this spring.

Pick a Bolton, Any Bolton

This has got to be the worst version of the Lion King I've ever seen... — This has got to be the worst version of the Lion King I’ve ever seen…

As much as I enjoy the foil that is the Bolton family, with Sansa getting involved and Roose strong arming Littlefinger, I don’t much expect the Bolton’s to be around that much longer. They may very well survive the season, but with the threat of Littlefinger’s thirst for power and Sansa’s thirst for revenge looming, Roose could find himself getting a taste of his own medicine soon. And let’s be real, no one would be shocked if Ramsay did him in either. You know what he says…

Myranda (Ramsay Bolton’s…girlfriend?)

The only other person that likes Ramsay besides me.

You might remember her from such hits as getting Theon’s dick hard so it could be chopped off, shooting an innocent girl with an arrow so she could be ripped apart by dogs, and throttling Ramsay Snow while engaging in sexual intercourse. Now she’s giving the stink eye to Sansa Stark for “stealing her man.” Yeah, I’m sure that’s gonna work out great for you. Ramsay totally seems like the guy that likes clingy chicks that interfere with his master plans.

Balon Greyjoy

My job is mostly being a shitty father and receiving sex organs in the mail.

Obviously, he’s not really in the picture right now, but remember, Stannis dropped 3 of those lucky Gendry leeches in the fire. He’s 2 for 3 so far…and something tells me Balon’s not escaping the power of the Lord of Light. Honestly, his best chance at survival is probably the writer’s general ambivalence towards any Greyjoy storyline right now.

You know who’s not in the Bone Zone? Tyrion Lannister. Sure, he got kidnapped after walking around Volantis in broad daylight like some stupid vampire trying to get caught. But, c’mon. He got caught by Jorah. You think the Game of Thrones guys are gonna pop off the Dink just to give Jorah a cool moment of redemption? Please. Like they’d kill the main character just to make one shitty character more of a douche-oh shit.

Hope you enjoyed the recap, and remember, if you’ve done Arya Stark wrong, but she doesn’t know your name, don’t fucking tell her.

Optimist/Pessimist: (500) Days of Summer

April 26, 2015April 26, 2015 ~ Sam Holt ~ Leave a comment

Optimistic Bender: Hey, I was thinking about rewatching (500) Days of Summer, you’d like that right?

Pessimistic Bender: Dude. No. Stop that shit. Movie is terrible.

OB: It’s a great movie and you’re an idiot.

PB: Seriously? I don’t get why everyone thinks it’s so good. I liked Premium Rush way more.

OB: Hey, no one is saying Premium Rush is a bad movie. They’re both works of art we have the privilege of experiencing due to the talent of Joseph Gordon-Levitt

PB: Sure, he’s fine. But this movie is so far up its own ass, I’m surprised they didn’t get James Franco.

OB: Give me one example.

PB: The entire movie.

OB: Point taken, now pick one.

PB: Okay, let’s start at the title. Why the parenthesis?

OB: I don’t know, it’s quirky?

PB: I’m gonna murder you with an icepick.

OB: Whatever, it’s unnecessary, but it’s still a good title.

PB: Fine, let’s cut the bullshit. Summer is a terrible character. She’s a prototypical Manic Pixie Dream Girl that moonlights as a sociopath. She toys with Tom’s emotions, says some really fucked up stuff to him (the park bench scene at the end being probably the best example), and is pretty selfish during the entire movie. She doesn’t really have much depth for a title character…she pretty much just exists to fuck up Tom. Not exactly what you want from a chick flick.

OB: This is a guy movie. It’s directed by a guy, written by two guys, shot from a guy’s perspective. And I doubt you’ll find many girls that like Summer either. You’re not suppose to like her. We’re suppose to be sympathetic to Tom, and we want him to be with Summer because we think that will make him happy. And as for Summer being selfish, she was upfront about her views on love and relationships, and she just takes life as it comes.

PB: You sound like you’re defending your ex-girlfriend right now.

OB: Hey, it’s hard to not to like Summer when she’s played by Zooey Deschanel.

PB: She’s the worst. We get it, you’re quirky. Stop.

OB: Untrue, she’s great.

PB: You can’t have an opinion, you’re bias cause you love her.

OB: I don’t love her.

PB: You’re listening to She & Him right now, aren’t you?

OB: Shut up. Point is, Summer could’ve used more depth, but she’s ostensibly the villain. Not exactly a great female character, but she’s not suppose to be a role model for girls anyway.

SB: Speaking of female characters, what’s up with the little sister?

OB: She’s just an age swapped mentor. It’s quir-

SB: I get it. Everything’s quirky. Why can’t anything just be like real life?

OB: But a lot of it is. Sure, the dialogue’s a little hokey, but a lot of the content is dead on. Take the scene where the Tom talks to his friends about Summer saying her weekend was “good.” Everyone has those moments where they over-think the simplest of things.

SB: I don’t know how Tom’s weird looking friend can even give advice on women anyway. There’s no way it’s believable he could pull anyone decent.

OB: Uh, dude, that weird looking guy is married to Christina Hendricks in real life.

SB: Fucking really? I guess there’s hope for us yet.

OB: Probably not, but anyway, the conversations, the events, and the relationship itself is all portrayed in a believable way. When Tom goes to the wedding with Summer, he thinks the relationship is returning. He doesn’t think about what the last year has been for her, just for himself. It’s a situation that happens to just about everyone. And it also sets up the best scene in the movie…

PB: Don’t say the expectations/real-

OB: …the Expectations/Reality scene! It perfectly portrays what someone views as a what’s going to be a huge moment of their life for completely different reasons that originally intended.

PB: You were completely different than originally intended.

OB: Every time I have a moment of sheer misery happen to me involving a girl, I can’t help but hear “Hero” by Regina Spektor seep into my head. It’s balanced well with the Hall and Oates dancing sequence earlier. Both are fitting reactions to the absolute peaks and valleys that come with love.

PB: Where does the time they play the Penis Game in the park rank on the peaks and valleys scale?

OB: If we’re talking about the absolutely adorable head nudge Zooey pulls off, I’d say peak.

Seriously girls. Do this. Guys will love it. I don't know why, we just do. — Seriously girls. Do this. Guys will love it. I don’t know why, we just do.

PB: C’mon. I can’t believe you buy all this crap. All the dialogue is corny and lame. “I’m stalking- I mean starving.” It’s just not clever. It’s also not how life works. Tom just sucks. He only becomes good when he starts concentrating on himself. And not everyone can just quit there job, achieve their life dreams, and start dating Derek Jeter’s girlfriend all within a couple of months of the biggest letdown of their life. I get it’s just a movie, but you can’t preach realism and then pull that fast one. Oh, and he’s a sensitive architect that dresses nice and lives in a big city. Remind you of anyone?

OB: So Tom is kinda like Ted Mosby. How I Met Your Mother was a great show!

PB: It was great until the end. And Ted Mosby was by far the worst character.

OB: Whatever. Sure, the dialogue is corny, but that’s why it’s charming! It’s all about appearance. If a cute girl came up to you and told you a corny joke, you’d find it adorable. It’s not trying to be pretentious, it’s trying to be real. And deep down, a lot of us are just dorky, awkward misanthropes.

PB: But it’s not even funny.

OB: It has some actually laugh out loud moments. The “anal girl” line is memorable. And the shot of Harrison Ford in the window comes to mind. Not to mention one of the best F-bombs in PG-13 history. If you go into this movie with an open mind, you’re going to like it. Especially if you’re in a period in your life where you’re stuck in a rut or down and out. It’s a movie made for singles, guys especially. And even girls, since Tom is still very relatable since guys can be super shitty too. It gets compared an awful lot to movies like Garden State and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind because they’re quirky romantic movies. But both of those movies had people that were right for each other. Like Tom does with the Graduate in the movie, people misrepresent (500) Days of Summer with a movie about finding the perfect girl. This honestly isn’t really a movie you’d want to watch with a significant other.

PB: I’d rather watch that with my girlfriend than Don Jon.

OB: You’re not wrong. But people do think that this movie is romantic.

PB: Seriously, no one can possibly watch this movie, compare it mentally to a girl, and feel like that is a positive connection.

OB:

PB: You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me.

OB: Nope, anyway. If you don’t wanna watch it that’s fine. What do you wanna watch instead?

PB: How about Blue Valentine?

OB: Go fuck yourself.

Game of Thrones Recap: Episode 2 – The House of Black and White

April 23, 2015April 23, 2015 ~ Sam Holt ~ Leave a comment

Partnerships are the cornerstone of Game of Thrones. Whether they are based on love (Ned and Cat), oath (Jaime and Brienne), greed (the Hound and Arya), lucrative friendship (Tyrion and Bronn), or sadistic torture (Ramsay and Theon). With a fitting episode title in hand, we witness some clashes between some of the top teams and even rekindle some old partnerships. The House of Black and White felt like it hit a lot of similar beats as the first episode; some minor plot developments happened, but it was mostly just table setting. But now the table looks set, and we’re ready to start the meal. (Spoilers will begin after this point)

Bronn, I believe this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

If Game of Thrones had a tag team championship, it would truly be up for grabs right now. With most of the top pairings of old now split up (Tyrion and Bronn, Brienne and Jaime, Arya and the Hound), we’re looking for a new go-to couple. And while Varys and Tyrion show promise, I’d say the likely runaway champion will be Jaime and Bronn. We saw a short bromance with them last year when Bronn taught Jaime how to fight with one hand. Now they’ll be making a (probably) season-long trek to Dorne. I really could care less if they get Myrcella back or not…it’s about the journey not the destination.

Hi, my name's Doran Martell. My two truths and a lie are: 1) I'm the only one of my siblings that still has their brain in their skull. 2) I'm super sick and could die at any minute from disease or murder. 3) I'm pulling off this haircut. — Hi, my name’s Doran Martell. My two truths and a lie are:
1) I’m the only one of my siblings that still has their brain in their skull.
2) I’m super sick and could die at any minute from disease or murder.
3) I’m pulling off this haircut.

In Dorne itself, we see a understandably discontent Ellaria Sand giving the business to her sort of brother-in-law Doran. It seems that Ellaria is pissed because Doran does not appear as upset that the Mountain used Oberyn’s head like a stressball on a really bad case of the Mondays. But Doran wishes to echo Oberyn’s promise of not hurting little girls in Dorne, and tells Ellaria and her daughters to stay away from Myrcella Lannister, Cersei and ~~Jaime’s~~ Robert’s only daughter. If Myrcella is to marry Doran’s son (as is the current arrangement), it would pull Dorne back into the royal family. However, this agreement was made to smooth over tensions back when Tyrion was helping out the crown. Now Tyrion has killed more Lannisters than Oberyn has (not saying much, Oberyn really dropped the ball). It seriously is not good to be a Lannister child these days.

I never should've left that cave... — I never should’ve left that cave…

The House of Black and White was also a rare triumph for House Stark all around, setting up what should be a solid season for them. Jon Snow won an election, Arya reunited with an old friend, Sansa made a (probably) smart decision to stick with Littlefinger, and Bran is guaranteed to survive the season. Let’s start with Jon Snow. Homeboy turns down being legitimized by Stannis and instead gets voted Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch. Even the mopiest of northern bastards would probably take that as a good consolation prize. Of course, real bastards of the north kill everyone their father tells them to and go legit.

A man may not be Jaqen H'Ghar, but a man does have a flair for the dramatic. — A man may not be Jaqen H’Ghar, but a man does have a flair for the dramatic.

Meanwhile, Arya travels to Braavos to find Jaqen H’ghar. We last saw Jaqen when Arya was wasting her 3 death wishes on mooks while she was playing tea time with Tywin. After getting denied by old Mace Windu at the door to the House of Black and White (where she expects to find Jaqen), she does what any normal human being would do: sit outside the house in the rain all night, toss the very important coin she was given in the sea, cut the head off a pigeon, and then warn 3 boys that she’ll kill them. Sarcasm aside, there’s a reason why pretty much everyone loves Arya, and now that Jaqen knows he’s got a pint-sized hitman on his payroll, things are looking to get pretty exciting.

Over in the Vale, Brienne is contemplating her next move while Podrick is contemplating which sex god moves he’s gonna pull on this ale wench.

Unfortunately, he gets cockblocked by Brienne trying to win over Sansa Stark by attempting to murder her uncle’s security detail. I wish they’d give Brienne something better to do. She gets rejected by Jaime, by Arya, and now by Sansa. Can’t she see she has everything she needs clumsily riding right behind her? Speaking of Podrick, it’s a good thing the whole squire/male prostitute thing is working out for him because his throwing accuracy is channeling Ricky Vaughn:

Over in Slaver’s Bay, we get the next installment of Daenerys Targaryen: The Queen Who Sucks at Everything. She’s as good at making decision as the Ferguson Police Department. I’ve seen better rulers in a public elementary school. I had more control over my bowel movements as a baby than she has over Slaver’s Bay. I mean, I get it. I really do. You need to set precedent that crimes do not go unpunished. If you’re really concerned for the future of Slaver’s Bay (and you’re the only one), you gotta roll a few heads. But maybe, juuuuuuust maybe, don’t chop off the head of a kid super loyal to you, especially when the crowd’s reaction is this:

Seriously, what the actual fuck. Like, can we all agree to start doing this at sporting events instead of booing? If you’re Alex Rodriguez, and you walk up to bat at Fenway and 40,000 people just start hissing at you like snakes, what do you do? I’ll tell you what I’d do. Shit my pants. Immediately. Right there on the field. And I wouldn’t even be embarrassed about it. Then I’d waddle out of there.

Speaking of waddling, it’s a good thing my man Tyrion is coming to help this shit show. Besides Tyrion dropping by far the best line of the episode (major NSFW dialogue), he adds legitimacy and intrigue to Dany’s campaign. His opinions won’t be met warmly, and conflict is obviously what drives story. As long as her dragons don’t mistake him for a goat or a tiny girl, he should have a great run in Mereen.

That about wraps it, so until next week, remember, if you’re gonna run from the Hound, make sure you run very fast.

Game of Thrones Recap: The Wars to Come

April 19, 2015April 19, 2015 ~ Sam Holt ~ Leave a comment

First off: Sorry I was late this week. I’ve created a schedule, and will do a Monday/Tuesday and Friday/Saturday post.

When people hear “Game of Thrones,” you think of heads being lobbed off, everybody banging each other, and ice zombies slowly trudging towards the inevitable conclusion. So if you were disappointed with the kick off of the season’s lack of big moments, you would be excused. Sure, there were boobs, butts, and killings (and that all happened in one scene). Not to mention a notable character facing an excruciating death. But that’s all tame for Game of Thrones. Honestly, the winner for the day may have been fans of male nudity, because we got a ton of that. All and all, this episode feels like the bread we get to nibble on while we look over the menu. But when the menu resembles a 5 star tasting menu, that can be exciting all on its own. (Spoilers for the episode begin now.)

Even Meryn Fucking Trant knows shits about to go down.

The first episode is usually a table setting affair. Yet, that’s not to say they are without big moments. Season 1 had Bran getting pushed out a window. Season 2 had the baby murder. Season 3 had the dramatic return of Barristan Selmy (wait, you didn’t remember him from his two whole scenes from season 1?). And Season 4 had probably the most rewarding scene of the entire series. Mance Rayder getting the Last of the Mohicans treatment from Jon Snow may have been a big moment…but all it does is establish Jon Snow for what we know he is. He’s a good man who knows nothing. Jon doesn’t want to watch a man he respects burn. So he threatens his allegiance with his most powerful ally to stand up for his morals. Fine. You’re a Stark. It’s what you do. Just remember that other thing you guys tend to do.

Speaking of people at the Wall, the filters used to shoot the scenes at the Wall may have dulled the look of the Red Woman, but she’s still throwing heat.

Jon, just be careful, remember what happened to the last bastard she gave it up to…

Also, we finally made it back to that city in Essos we briefly teased in an earlier season that everyone is begging to be explored. No, not Braavos, Pentos! For most people who can’t remember the early parts of Season 1, Daenerys and her sociopathic future king turned tree ornament brother Viserys were holed up in this palace with some friggin’ fat dude. You may also remember said fat dude from talking to that other balder fat dude (Varys) in Season 1 while Arya eavesdropped. If you don’t, it’s fine, because there was a whole scene devoted to how Ned Stark thinks Arya is losing her mind and should go chase cats instead.

I mean, if Varys was being a shithead, Littlefinger would've told me... — I mean, if Varys was being a shithead, Littlefinger would’ve told me…

Anyway, that fat dude’s name is Illyrio Mopatis, and besides being a dead ringer for Medieval Ron Swanson, he is the leader of the Targaryen political machine, and has been working with Varys the whole time to try to get Daenerys on the throne. So the same scene where this happened…

…is where this is happening:

So, Varys has finally tipped his hand to another: he believes what is best for “the realm” is to get a Targaryen back in power…Dany to be exact. This is great for 3 reasons:

1) Dany might finally actually start going to Westeros.

2) We finally get to see one of the few major characters who have never interacted with each other interact…hopefully on their way to Westeros.

3) FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THE OLD GODS AND THE NEW GET YOUR FUCKING DRAGON ASS TO WESTEROS ALREADY AND MURDER THAT INNOCENT CHILD AND HIS ADORABLE PET CAT!

My life be like "oooh aaaah" — My life be like “oooh aaaah”

Meanwhile, Littlefinger is going straight Life of a Don status and has taken on an apprentice. Sansa has not been a great character. She was probably the stiffest Stark at the beginning of season 4, which is saying something since 3 of them are dead. But her recent turn on Littlefinger’s arm is very intriguing. Is she genuinely interested in him? Is she using him as protection? Does she want to become more street savvy? Does she even care? I’m down with Sansa now, best thing to happen to the Vale since they installed a moon door.

I wanted to show an image with these two from season 5, but finding one that was appropriate was rather difficult.

In Slaver’s Bay, Dany still hates slavery. The people still want old customs to come back. Dany gets mad because they sound barbaric to her Westerosi perspective (I mean, what’s wrong with a bunch of kids fighting to the death? They’re making millions off it today!). But Daario manages to magically sex her into changing her mind. Okay, time out. I’m sorry. Sure, I can suspend my disbelief that this world has dragons. And magic. And walking ice zombies no one seems to care about. But I draw the line at being able to bang a girl so hard she changes her mind on a political issue. Is this a real thing? Is there a pill I can buy? Is this how Clinton became president?

Also, there’s some weird bird faced people that are killing the unsullied. Don’t worry, I’m sure we’ll never hear about that again.

And lastly,Brienne doesn’t want Pod to stick around. Pod is sad. This-wait what’s that Sansa?

See you next week, and remember, don’t take out a sword in the Dothraki Sacred City while asking for a Golden Crown.

Game of Thrones Season 5 Preview

April 6, 2015April 7, 2015 ~ Sam Holt ~ 3 Comments

I’m not gonna deny it. Game of Thrones is my favorite show on TV, and probably my favorite show ever. I love shows with rich stories and compelling characters, like The Wire, Breaking Bad, Firefly, and Rocket Power. And it’s fresh off one of its best seasons yet. So, with the new season starting Sunday, everyone should be pumped up for the glorious return of your favorite show about sex, bloodshed, and the political maneuverings of a former Baltimore Mayor. I will say before we start, I have not read the books. I probably will never read the books. So there will be spoilers for the TV show up until the end of Season 4, but nothing from the books. (I will also provide aside clarification for anyone who is just a casual viewer of Game of Thrones in parenthesis. This will probably be useful to you if you refer to characters as Interpreter Lady, Male Ginger Wildling, or That Fat Kid Who Rules At Sex.)

Clearly Westeros needs to catch up on The Wire…

However, the focus of Game of Thrones has been stretched to even surprising levels by its standards. I’m half expecting the opening to this season to take 5 minutes showing the various Rube Goldberg devices raising up every important location from Braavos to the Wall. (to the Wall).

The show now has as many prominent characters in Essos (Desert Dragon Land): Tyrion, Varys (Bald Guy, No Dick), and Arya are all joining Daenerys and Co. across the sea. How long will they last there? Who knows. But if you told me in the beginning we’d still be waiting to see a goddamn Dragon shoreside in Westeros in season 5, I’d probably just guzzle assassination wine.

That didn't go the way you thought it would, did it? No it did not. — Some people had a bad time in King’s Landing last season.

At Kings Landing, it’s safe to say we’ve seen some shit. Sitting on a throne in Westeros right now is probably about as safe as kidnapping Liam Neeson’s daughter. Though I’d gladly wear that crown if it meant I was married to Natalie Dormer (Skanky Queen). But seriously, with one of the biggest questions in the series being “Who will end up on the Iron Throne in the end?”, does anyone think about Tommen? There are people cheering for Daenerys, Tyrion, and Jon Snow, people wary of Littlefinger and the Boltons, nevermind the giant dead white elephant in the room. Let’s face it, Tommen’s not long for the throne, and since there’s only one way you get off the throne…

The rest of Westeros is all about new beginnings. They finally put every one’s favorite frumpy faces together north of the Wall, with Jon Snow and Stannis Baratheon looking like they’re going to be boring best buds together. The Boltons have rolled into Winterfell to begin the first rule of the North under the Flayed Man. Littlefinger and Sansa continue have their “they won’t, right?/please don’t make me watch this” relationship. And we also get introduced to Dorne (Spanish Westeros), where we can only hope every talks with the same accent as Oberyn Martell (YOU RAPED HER! YOU MURDERED HER! etc.). These stories need time to start developing clearer conflicts. So in the meantime, let’s get to some gripes I have with both the upcoming season and Game of Thrones as a whole.

Why did Varys go with Tyrion?

Yeah, I'm sure that beard will totally throw off everyone looking for a dwarf murderer... — Yeah, I’m sure that beard will totally throw off everyone looking for a dwarf murderer…

All right, I get the intention. It’s clear that King’s Landing is about as safe an environment as Normandy Beach, but Varys, seriously. You want to start hanging out with the dude that escaped prison while sentenced to death, murdered two people, one of which was his father, the hand of the king, and travel with him as a stowaway? Won’t someone question why someone on the King’s Counsel just randomly bailed to Essos with no luggage? They won’t suspect you as an accomplice when someone finds you just hanging out with a convicted murderer? Plus, last time you were in Essos, you got your dick chopped off dude! You think Theon’s chomping at the bit to go hang out at the Dreadfort? Hell no! What’s wrong with your brain?

Why didn’t Ned ask for a trial by combat?

Fuck, I just shit my pants...thank the Old Gods everything here smells like shit. — Pictured: Colossal Dumbass

In one of the most memorable scenes in Season 4, Tyrion Lannister demands a trial by combat for the only chance at true justice he can achieve. If an unjust trial in the Game of Thrones universe sounds familiar, that’s because it’s the same plot as in Season 1, where big ol’ teddy bear Ned Stark got dirt napped by Joffrey after Lord Dickface decided to send a message to no one in particular. So, if you’re going down, why not make like Fall Out Boy and go down swinging? Ned Stark was a renown fighter, even went toe to toe with Jaime Lannister (before he turned into a southpaw). He may have been injured, but he must’ve known he would’ve had a puncher’s chance. And if he went free, he could’ve protected his son and supported Stannis’ claim to the throne. Maybe he really believed he could’ve gone to the wall. After all, who wants to die? Clearly he would’ve been terrified about death, since- wait, no, dude didn’t give a flying fuck about dying. Seriously Ned, it couldn’t have been as bad as this. (You probably thought that was Oberyn Martell’s fight, but I’ve surgically removed that from my brain).

Where the fuck did Gendry go?

This isn't just fan service to get more female readers...as far as you know. — This isn’t just fan service to get more female readers…as far as you know.

Seriously? Davos (Ser Onion Nubby Hands) just chunks this hunk on a row boat and sends him gently down the stream? Dude gets fucked by the Brotherhood, gets literally fucked by Melisandre, gets figuratively fucked by Melisandre, and then gets fucked over by the writers. We need a better bastard son on this show. All we got is a mopey sheepdog and a sadistic goblin. Give that kid a crown and Natalie Dormer!

I’ll see you guys next week with a recap of the first episode. And remember, don’t fight the Mountain in one on one combat. (Shit, that did happen didn’t it?)

Back in the Game

April 1, 2015March 31, 2015 ~ Sam Holt ~ 1 Comment

Hello, nice to see you. Please come in, take off your shoes. Get comfy. Cause I’m back.

Some of you might be aware of my (twice) abandoned blog. Filled with false promises and tons of subjective lists, the ramblings of a bored college student (and briefly, a college graduate) graced the internet for dozens of eyes to see.

Now, I created a new blog (even bought a domain name, moneybags over here) to start fresh. It’s not that I hate my old blog, there’s some readable stuff on there. It’s just that most of it is horse garbage that sounds like a whiny teenager talking to a wall. I want to create content that interests people. Stuff that excites someone when they’re looking for something to read on the toilet. This is something I know I can do and I’ve been wanting to give it a shot again. So here I go.

So, what should you expect out of this blog? Glad you asked.

As you can see, I have a robust variety of topics and ideas for this poorly organized space. Which, if you’re reading this in 2020, hopefully this seems like a joke written on a much better and professional looking website. And if you’re reading this from 2030, a website is where people use to get their news and entertainment back when we thought Canadians were just human beings that liked hockey more than genocide.

In summary, what you should expect is:

Content that will entertain and make you chuckle.
At least one post per week, probably on the weekend.
A respectable bar to have good nachos.
Woolly Mammoths to stay extinct.
A happy life full of love, excitement, and a new Bond movie coming out in a reasonable time frame.

What you should not expect:

Commentary on my personal life.
Inappropriate visual content. There will be some swearing, but you’ll never open my website and see tits and dicks. None that I put there at least.
Asher Roth to make a comeback.
A fourth Austin Powers movie.
That you’re going to marry rich. Maybe take some time to think about the career path you can have with that degree in Anthropology.

I plan to start with a Game of Thrones preview next week, and I have some other ideas for the first few weeks as well. I’ll try to do a variety of topics, so it’s not all the same thing each week. And if you have something you want me to write about, just tell me about it at dinner, Mom.

Shut Up Bender

by Sam Holt

Month: April 2015